blah-016

eZine lover (@eZine)

Published in 

BLaH

 · 25 Apr 2019

  

              Ü ÜßÝ   Ü             Ü   Ü 
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                Ý  Û   Ý             Ý   Ý 
    BLaH        Ý ß    Ý      ÜßÜ    Ý   Ý 
    File        ÝßÜ    Ý        ÜÝ   ÝßÝÜÝ        Written August 5th, 1992 
    #016        Ý  Ýig Ýong  ÜßÝ Ýnd Ý   Ýairy 
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                ÝÜß    ÝÜÜÝ  ßÜÜßÞ  ÜÝ   ÞÜ 
                 
                         Presents 
             Ú              ÄÄ             ¿ 
              "The Fine Art of BBS Warring" 
             ³              by             ³ 
                        Constantine 
             À              ÄÄ             Ù 

        Originally descended from the archaic rites of Oriental blademasters, 
the BBS flame-war represents both the epoch and the nadir (look that up in 
your Fuck n' Wagnalls) of computer culture.  It can be a battle of wits 
between worthy opponents, each building on the last's insult to reach 
repartee of classic proportions.  Or, more often, it looks like this: 

#1:  You suck.  You suck big donkey dicks. 
#2:  Yeah?  Your MOM sucks big donkey dicks.  And YOU suck big donkey 
   dicks. 
#1:  Well, you still suck. 
#2:  So do you! 

        Sad picture, isn't it?  This file is the beginning of an eventual 
tutorial on the fine art of BBS warring.  Read and learn, but remember  
the ancient Oriental proverb that likened the warrior's wit to his blade-- 
both, it is said, may cut a tin can in half, but only the wise man will 
still be able to slice a tomato. 

CHOOSING YOUR VICTIM 
        Most BBSes that allow warring have a special base set aside for 
the purpose.  If so, don't piss off your sysop by taking it outside the 
base-- that makes the war personal, and can get a LOT of people upset 
at you.  With that in mind, scan through the messages and look for a 
suitable victim.  Let's say that you read this: 

#1:  You make me retch with pity for your pathetic attempts to attack 
   me, you bile-licking, phlegm-drinking, mucuous-drenched excuse for 
   a Bee-Gees fan. 
#2:  Yeah?  Well, you suck big donkey dicks! 

        Hmmm.. #1 has been doing this for a while, and he seems rather 
literate.  Probably a local heavyweight, and more than a challenge for 
a first-time warrior.  #2, on the other hand, is such a pushover that 
anyone challenging him would have to be the kind of person who kicks 
stray animals. 
        #2, right?  I would, too.  This is called "getting a notch on 
your gunbelt". 

THE INITIAL ATTACK 
        If you are attacked on a flame board, then you're in luck- YOU 
get to make the response, and the burden is on the attacker.  If not,  
you're going to have to throw the first punch.  When composing your  
insult, make sure that you don't have any glaring loopholes that a crafty 
opponent can exploit-- wordplay is the name of the game.  The first attack 
is a dangerous position, but sooner or later, you'll be in the most  
comfortable place.. 

DEFENSE 
        That's right-- unlike many sports, the BEST place to be in a  
flame war is on the defense.  Why?  Because your opponent has just HANDED 
you a post to rip on, and the worse a fighter he is, the more openings 
there will be for YOU.  Simply break down his insult, turn it around, 
and throw it back at him.  Here is a VERY simple example, a classic 
"mama/yo mama" counter attack: 

#1:  Hey, your mom is great in bed. 
#2:  Is that what YOUR mom told you? 

        Rather than refuting the actual statement, the warrior lets the 
main "sting" go in favour of building on the insult and rebounding it. 
Keeping your cool is paramount-- the kind of person who gets upset by 
a flame post (which are usually not personal) and starts whining about 
it to the sysop is the kind of person who shouldn't HAVE a modem in the 
first place. 

SUMMARY 
        In short, be nasty and have fun.  The BBS flame-war is one of 
the most honorable and time-tried contests between computerists (most 
of whom are smarter than the average Joe), and well worth experiencing 
first-hand.  I am currently devising an actual rules-set (involving  
scoring and a referee) to bring this art form into a higher ground, 
and will make it available freely to all when it is completed-- until 
then, keep on flaming. 

[Guidonote: I have warred with Connie before, it is a treat, heaping insult 
            upon insult. Have fun and go with it!] 

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Yah, well, lick my love pump you weasel-mammaried plot of sloth dung.. 

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