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Capital of Nasty Vol. 06 Issue 11
Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine
Volume VI, Issue 11, AD MMI
Monday, December 24, 2001
ISSN 1482-0471
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That reminds me of how nice it is to work without having to stop to
explain how to operate toilet paper.
"Then, you drag it across the part where the shit comes out of, and
try to clean up as much as possible. Uh, why are you wiping your
mouth?"
"You said wipe the part the shit comes out of."
-------------------------------------------
"He seems to do more than Ken, but I mean, you'd have to be
decomposing to do less than Ken".
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1. Editorial
2. One Flush Later
3. The Unisex Bathroom
4. CoN @ Zee Cinema
5. Bah, so this is Christmas...
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This week's Golden Testicle award:
In a Galaxy Far, Far away, oh, the Force, OH!
http://www.sexylosers.com/comic.cgi?002
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1. Editorial Tidbits
Or how 2001's last Editorial is a bunch of unfinished Editorials
which, when put together, make no sense.
By Leandro Asnaghi-Nicastro
Welcome to the last Issue of Volume 6. The year 2001 has seen 11
issues (an average of 0.9 issues per month), 48 articles (an average
of 4.36 articles per issue or 4 per month), 22 acclamations and 11
Golden Testicles (averaging roughly a point 9 of a nad per month).
Volume 7 will hopefully be a little more constant in the mailboxes of
our readership.
For those that had not noticed, it is currently that great commercial
festivity also known as Christmas. I've had to endure shopping, not
much for myself, mind you, but for being the lucky bloke that got
picked for doing other people's purchases.
If that wasn't pain enough, as I have to body wrestle people in order
to get that last gift (and God only knows I have yet to finish), I
had to endure Office related parties. Not my office party, mind you.
These are parties my girlfriend drags me to, mostly to show me off as
that intellectual person I really am not, with the promise I will
keep my mouth shut and not say something incredibly rude and
offensive (she knows me so well... ah, love).
Unfortunately, while I'm happily unemployed at the moment and I have
no 2.3 kids, my conversations options seem somewhat limited. That's
all people seem to talk about. Their jobs and their kids.
`Absolutely nothing' to what I do for a living and `I hate anything
younger than 6 years of age' when talking about kids seems to leave
me all alone for the rest of the evening...
---
I feel somewhat awkward at times to go visit my girlfriend's family.
It's not that they are not nice or anything, but I feel a little odd,
I don't understand them too well and the giant Sikh man that is her
grandfather doesn't exactly like me. Fortunately, today, Grandpa
Jihad wasn't there.
If hate could have a face, it would be his. I think it's the fact we
live in Canada that he held himself from skinning me alive and
leaving my body in the jungle for the tigers to find.
---
Stove fucking. Ever tried it? It's all in the beauty of living by
yourself. And that's really all there is to it. The moment you live
by yourself, in your own apartment, you can do whatever you want.
All without the hassle of your mother telling you how to do things
proper.
You can eat chocolate fudge cookies. Before dinner. In your bed.
And when was the last time you actually did do your bed?
You can walk around the house naked wearing nothing more than your
Fez.
You can have the TV on and not watch it.
And, you can fuck your stove.
This also brings, of course, a whole bunch of witty comments that
apply in stove fucking. Such as `she got really hot' and `it was
nice and steamy'. And let's not forget the classic `she had a real
nice hot oven' or the `I turned all her knobs', which, per se, is
quite the hoot.
---
I had originally started to write a witty editorial about how I was
in vacation, and how the girl sitting next to me on the plane was
beautiful but as charming as a pitbull, or how Canada Custom agents
have the greatest sense of humour.
But no, not anymore. Since I first opened this file, to now, I went
back into my bitter self. And no, it has nothing at to do with the
clever, smart and intelligent (did I mention well hung?) Canada
Custom agents. Not at all. I sleep soundly at night knowing that
these brave men and women protect the entrance to my country.
Honest.
---
Since finding a job for myself seemed to be a task next to
impossible, considering how badly our economy is doing, I decided to
rely on Head Hunters.
But now the economy is shit.
Oh, I've put my resumes on sites. I've sent it to just every
possible job position I find, even those that require the last two
millennia in experience with computers.
And job sites were as dry as the Sahara desert.
I had never tried Head Hunters before. This was a time when the
market was ripe and I was able to find work almost immediately,
before and after going to College and getting the most useless and
expensive piece of College issued toilet paper with my name on it.
My first head hunter was a chubby short little woman. She greeted me
in her office, which reminded me more of a place to slaughter
animals. There were several of us, actually, all well dressed, all
looking hopeful.
In her pink dress with her high pitched piggy voice she starts asking
me questions.
Clearly this woman cannot read. All the information she wants about
me is on my two page curriculum vitae but she still asks me dates and
personal info as if it was some sort of test.
She told me she will keep on looking for work for me until I tell her
to stop.
And that's the last I heard from her. Better yet, she ignores both
my calls and my e-mails. And while I found some other Head Hunters,
all of which promptly disappeared like her, she's the only one that
comes back to mind.
Maybe I should drop by her office.
"Hi Heleonore".
"Oh, hi.. er.." and she would fumble, looking for my resume with my
name.
"I just wanted to set something clear between the two of us, is that
okay?"
"Er.. yes?"
"It occured to me, and I find it important you should know that you
are a stupid fuck".
"I'm sorry?"
"You heard me. And I should make it clear that whenever I'll talk to
you, about you, or I'll refer people to you, you'll be known as
STUPID FUCK. Got that?"
I'm bitter.
Enjoy this very non-belated issue, for once.
-------------------------------------------
2. One Flush Later
By Jason MacIsaac
When I screw up and do something stupid, I like to look for meaning
in it afterwards, so I can convince myself that I've learned
something. Even gained greater insight into the nature of the
universe. Our species has the ability to obtain knowledge, and pass
what we've learned unto others. This is one of the things that
separates us from the lesser beasts of the Earth--the chimps, the
earth worms, the Chief Executive Officers.
I'll tell ya though, I find myself working hard to find greater
meaning in my latest boneheaded stunt.
It happened early Saturday morning. I awoke, feeling great and
excited about having a weekend, something else that separates Home
Sapiens from the chimps, the earth worms, and the Chief Executive
Officers (although to be fair, CEOs are working hard to eliminate
this evolutionary advantage).
I went into the bathroom with a song in my heart, and did some
typical preening/refreshing stuff for a man in the bathroom on a
Saturday morning. I finished off with the use of the toilet.
As the toilet was flushing, I accidentally knocked a stick of
deodorant off my sink. It dropped into the bowl, where the water was
just disappearing.
Anybody who has ever been in a car accident knows about the weird
phenomena of time slowing down just before impact. You know you're
about to get hit, and then you get about two hours in some mystic
place outside the normal space/time continuum to contemplate what's
about to happen. It feels like you have enough time to get out of
the car, walk down the street, grab a burger, and come back again
before the impact. But this time is only for tormenting you. Though
it feels like you have time to do something about it, the moment you
try to avert disaster, you instantly drop back in real time.
This is what I felt as I watched that stick of Mennen Speedstick
rattle around at the bottom of the toilet. And when I snapped out of
it, of course it was gone.
Somewhere deep in my toilet.
In a place I really did not want to venture into.
So I did what any rational human being would do. I stomped through
my apartment cursing my toilet, frightening the cat. What a way to
start a weekend. My tantrum was a little unfair on the toilet too.
After all, it was just following instructions. It was my fault it
had the wrong cargo.
I have a plumber's snake, but I couldn't seem to make contact with
the deodorant. I immediately went out and bought a plunger, not the
way I normally choose to spend my Saturday mornings. I was hoping I
could either force the deodorant back up, or maybe even further down.
The thing about a stick of deodorant in relation to your plumbing
(only I have ever had reason to think about this) is that the
deodorant isn't very big. It's not enough to dam up the plumbing
entirely, just block it up a bit. I hoped, not too optimistically,
that maybe it was small enough to get through the pipes entirely, and
puzzle the employees of a sewage treatment plant five miles away.
The plunger failed to bring it back up. It did however, bring up a
small earring shaped like musical notes. The origin of this earring
I could not say. It wasn't mine, and I know it didn't belong to my
girlfriend or any female visitors I'd had in my apartment. And I'm
pretty sure I didn't eat the earrings and pass it somehow.
After working the plunger some more, I gave and decided to take a
chance.
I flushed the toilet.
The bowl flooded, but thankfully didn't overflow. Then the water
began to slooooowly drain out of the bowl. When it was down to the
end, I could hear the stick of deodorant rattle somewhere inside the
toilet, like some fucked up maraca.
Another round of swearing. The cat was getting annoyed with me.
Obviously, the toilet was unusable. Suddenly I found out how spoiled
we all are. We go into major depression when our Internet connection
is cut off. Try living with the knowledge that you don't actually
have any place to shit.
The only thing to do was to tell the superintendent. In our
building, we have to fill out maintenance requests, and then hand
them over. There's a part where you describe the work you need done.
I realized there was no way to fill out this form without looking
like an idiot, which helped take the pressure off.
I wrote down "While toilet was flushing, stick of deodorant fell in
and became stuck." I didn't stuff it in the request box, because I
knew that I would be explaining myself further.
I handed it to one of the superintendents, who read it and
immediately said "WHAT?!" as if I had written "I need you to close
the dimensional rift in my bedroom closet that is causing all the
gremlins to escape into our plane of reality."
So I explained myself as quickly as possible, trying vainly to make
it sound like deodorant sticks get stuck in toilets every day, and
that it's really not that unusual a request. I don't think I
convinced her. She did arrange to have a plumber come in while I was
at work though. The plumber had to actually turn off the water,
drain the toilet, and remove it from the floor before he could
extract it.
When I came home, I was relieved to discover my toilet had been
fixed. No small relief actually, because I really had to go when I
got in, and didn't relish the idea using the bathtub for unnatural
purposes. As I was using my newly restored porcelain beauty, I
noticed the stick of deodorant, still wet, sitting on my bathroom
sink. What, did the plumber think I wanted it back? I threw it in
the garbage immediately. Thankfully no, uh, extra material was
clinging to it. I used toilet paper to handle it and washed my hands
after anyway.
Then, I immediately moved all objects not larger than a bowling ball
at least five meters away from my toilet.
This whole thing was--let's get to it--really stupid of me. And like
I said, I need to convince myself that some great cosmic truth was
revealed to me through my act of stupidity, so it wasn't a total
loss.
That's why I am choosing to see this whole incident as a commentary
on the plight of humanity at the dawn of the 21st Century. How
ironic it is in a world that grows ever more sophisticated daily,
where vast stores of information are exchanged across the globe in a
heartbeat and human cloning is a reality--that we've yet master the
simpler technology. I have decided to see my toilet and my deodorant
as a metaphor for the lonely individual struggling to keep pace with
a world advancing out of control.
That's my story, and I can almost repeat it with a straight face.
---
Jason MacIsaac has been looking for Betty Moon. If you see her,
please have her contact him at jason@scriba.org.
-------------------------------------------
3. The Unisex Bathroom
By Su West
Some may think that the show's creator of Ally McBeal is a genius.
The idea of having a unisex bathroom in an office environment among
lawyers certainly provides a lot of entertainment.
However, in reality, a unisex bathroom would never happen. It's a big
lawsuit waiting to happen and most companies would never have a work
environment, that has potential for a feeding frenzy for lawyers.
Moreover, the bathroom rules differ between the sexes somewhat. For
instance, men never talk while doing the deed at the urinals. If
however, they decide to talk while at the urinals, eye contact is
never made; peeking is also forbidden. It is often a nod of
recognition if they know the person then, their eyes focus straight
in front of them counting the odd shapes on the tiles. Only when they
are done and head toward the sink to wash their hands (hopefully)
that words spew out of their mouths.
Any man caught carrying a conversation with another man while going
to the bathroom has broken the most sacred rule of the toilet code
especially if in the stalls.
Women on the other hand can go on gabbing for 15 minutes about
nothing and everything, before even going inside the stall. And, if
the conversation is engaging, they continue to speak to each other
while inside their respective stalls, until the sound of the flushing
toilet interrupts them.
Similarly, the topics of conversation is much the same for both
sexes. Both want to know of any juicy gossip among their co-workers
or who is sleeping with whom in the office. Strangely enough, health
or medical problems at times can be discussed among their colleagues.
Other topics most commonly spoken in these bathrooms are fashion,
clothes, and fitness. Another function the bathroom is often used
[other than the intended one] is deep, meaningful at times stressful
decision making. How many times have you gone to the bathroom before
a big presentation and either looked yourself in the mirror fix your
hair, make-up or pay a visit to the toilet god?
Some of us even go to the bathroom after a meeting just to vent to
another co-worker and complain about how so and so should not have
said certain things.
Sometimes, the bathroom can be a place of comfort. The facilities are
certainly available. There is plenty of toilet paper to wipe away the
tears. There is also plenty of running water. In addition, the dcor
of the bathroom is often an eyesore that it makes your problems seem
less dismal than the tile colour chosen.
However, if you are looking for soul-searching songs that will make
all your problems go away, think again. For some reason in the show
Ally McBeal, Barry White songs often play in the background when you
need that boost of confidence. Moreover, you cannot do any sort of
acrobatics or dance moves either. There is no automatic device that
you can have where the toilet gives you a fresh flush before using
it. Nor is there a secret passageway to some hiding place room to
take a break from your daily duties.
And there are no dancing babies either. If any do show up, that is
another story.
---
Editors comments:
In case you're wondering the source of my information, a good
journalist never reveals her sources.
-------------------------------------------
4. CoN @ Zee Cinema
w/ Jeff Wright
Thumbs up? Thumbs down? I feel like doing something original this
issue.
THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS
Thumbs so far up, it's insane!!!
Therapy has never been this cheap. I just got back from seeing the
film, and I don't really have the words to express my love for it.
This article was all ready and done, but I asked Leo "Pretty please,
let me write something about THE ROYAL TENEBAUMS, so that people can
go see it when it's released." He said "Sure", and that's why you're
reading this paragraph. This is the best film I've seen in years.
GO SEE IT!!!!!!!! It goes into wide release on Friday. Oh, how I
love this film.
LORD OF THE RINGS
Thumbs down.
It was too big for its own good. It needed intimacy to work. Even
though, that's just the beginning of its problems, I'm going to leave
it. I love me my Peter Jackson, way too much to publicly diss him
up.
BEHIND ENEMY LINES
Thumbs down. WAY DOWN!
I love me my Owen Wilson, but that couldn't save this. I was really
looking forward to it, but it's one of the worst films I've seen of
late. Save your money (not that anyone else was excited about it
like I was, were they?).
HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH
Thumbs up!
Hedwig (pronounced Hedvig) rocks!!! ROCKS!!! One of the best films
of 2001. Rent it, rent it, rent it! If John Cameron Mitchell
doesn't get nominated for Best Actor, then things in the wurld is
screwy.
TREKIES
Thumbs up.
Lots of disturbing fun. A documentary all about Star Trek fans.
Features interviews with both the fans, and the stars. Really fun
documentary.
Trek fans unite! Those with screws loose, and spare ammunition, go
to where the Trek fans have united. Do what needs to be done.
ALMOST A FULL MOON by Hawksley Workman (Not a movie, but rather, a
CD.)
Thumbs way the fuck up!!!
Hawksley's released a Christmas EP. It's fantastic. Pick it up.
You'll listen to it after the fact too.
MY FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS FILMS:
A CHRISTMAS STORY
ROCKY IV!!!
DIE HARD
THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS
RUDOLPH THE REDNOSED REINDEER
Now go off and try to have a lovely holiday. If your family isn't
much fun to be around, know that you're not alone. Just grin, bear
it, and eat as many Christmas sweets as you can. Enjoy yer New
Year's Eve, too.
If you'll excuse me, I have to go get my sister to wrap all these
gifts I've bought.
---
Jeff's been wearing a Santa hat at work for the last week. Pity him.
-------------------------------------------
5. Bah, so this is Christmas...
By Tess Toth
If I hear "Deck The Halls" one more time I am going to take a couple
of candy canes and ram them in my ears to stop that horrific tune
from destroying the little brain matter I have left. So help me God.
I hate the holidays. Yes, and I know I'm not the only one out there.
But maybe I'm the only one who will admit it.
I don't like turkey with stuffing, I don't like buying ornaments, and
don't even get me started about carollers...
In my youth I loved Christmas. Of course the only reason I liked it
was because I got presents, but that's so friggin' obvious isn't it?
I'd get a million Barbie dolls that I would tear the hair off of and
make them do lewd things with Ken.
I'd take my brand new pairs of jeans and rip holes in the knees.
I'd take the Christmas fruit cake with all its layers of plastic wrap
and feed it to the pigeons in hopes they would become over-stimulated
from the obscene amount of sugar and have a heart attack.
Ah, the childish innocence.
But soon I grew out of my juvenile malicious tendencies and adopted
more grown up and refined mannerisms. As such, I no longer took
interest in the holiday season except for the fact that I could have
a few weeks off to sleep in and eat cold pizza in the morning.
I'll admit it, I am an avid fan of Ebenizer Scrooge, I'll "bah
humbug" any chance I get. My friends usually have a get together
during Christmas time to exchange presents and eat rumballs. I REALLY
feel uncomfortable surrounded by cheery perky people smiling. Maybe
it's just me --but don't get me wrong, I love the rumball portion of
the evening.
I feel guilty because I don't have any money and I can't afford get
anyone gifts. They always tell me "That's okay, that's not what
Christmas is about anyway". Well I know that if I got gifts for my
friends and they got me squat I would be a bit pissed off... yeah,
how selfish of me. I've heard it before, I know... it's the time for
giving, for peace, yadda yadda... bleech.
Why is it that only CHRISTMAS is the season to be jolly? So does that
mean the rest of the year we can all be crotchety ol' bastards? Is it
the snow that makes ppl be filled with the spirit of giving? It just
makes my juvenile arthritis kick in. Is it the lights? The horrendous
music? The candy canes that the stores give out and with the stock
they don't sell they resell on the up coming Christmas?
I think if we all really listened to "it's better to give than
receive" we'd all be a bit bitter for not getting that power drill of
our dreams or that diamond bracelet.
....wait....I have something heart warming to share. Even though I
detest Christmas for my own selfish reasons, I enjoy getting gifts
for my two daughters.
I mean, what's more satisfying than watching the oldest one shred the
paper on the floor and toss out the gift just to play with the box?
And since the littlest one is only 3 weeks old, she'll just drool
over it, while looking at the lights on the tree.
I want them to have fun with the holiday even if I don't. That's all
that matters, isn't it? That even if we don't like something
ourselves we shouldn't' ruin it for others. And maybe when they're
old and bitter like I am they'll enjoy watching their little ones
destroy the 50 buck porcelain doll they got for them as a keepsake.
Ah... traditions...
Good grief I'm getting old and sappy. Ah well...happy holidays and a
bah humbug to you all.
---
Tess Toth is sure that in Hell they play Christmas carols all year
long.
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Capital of Nasty Electronic Magazine "media you can abuse"
In memory of Father Ross "Padre" Legere
Published every second Monday (or when we get around it)
Disclaimer: unintentionally offensive
Comments, queries and submissions are welcome
http://www.capnasty.org ISSN 1482-0471
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