Damned Fucking Shit Issue 21

eZine lover (@eZine)

Published in 

Damned Fucking Shit

 · 25 Apr 2019

  

                     ÚÄÄÄ¿        ÚÄÄÄ¿            ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ 
                    ÚÙ   À¿       ³   ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄ      ³ 
                    ³     ÀÄ¿     ³                ÀÄÄÄÄ¿ 
                    ³       À¿    ÃÄÄÄÄ¿                ÀÄ¿ 
                    ³        ³    ³    ÀÄÄ                À¿ 
                    ³        ³    ³                       ÚÙ 
                    ³      ÚÄÙ    ³         ÄÄ¿        ÚÄÄÙ 
                    ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ      ³           ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ 

                    Damned       Fucking        Shit 
                        Edited by Access Denied 

                              Issue #21 
                      Title: A Few Theories 
                      Date: 1/15/94 
                      By: Wonko The Sane 
¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ 
                         A Few Theories 

Well, here's a few theories about life, the universe, and 
everything, but not pertaining to any one of those in particular. 

These are the things I decide to realize when I'm so bored that 
I've called every board in my dialing dir, twice, and have resigned 
myself to sitting in bed trying, unsuccessfully, to scrape off 
flaws in the paint of the walls of my room. 

Theorem #1, the Pocket Change theorem. 

     I have yet to calculate the actual probability ratio, but, I 
CAN give you an example of what I'm talking about here.  Say that 
you have, in your pocket, 2 Quarters, 4 Nickels, 5 Dimes, and about 
4.5 billion pennies.  You walk up to the counter at your favorite 
place to eat lunch, and the total comes out to $5.06. [Here's where 
the theorem comes in]  Inevitably, you will extract from your 
pocket at least 1 Quarter, 3 Dimes, and 2.23 Nickels before you 
pluck out the penny you need to pay in exact change. 

Theorem #2, the Soda Machine theorem. 

     Have you ever noticed those people in the halls swearing and 
grumbling at soda machines because they refuse to take their 
dollars, maybe you are one of these people.  You spend hours 
straightening out that dollar bill so that the machine will suck it 
right up only to get it spat back out at you at least 12 times 
before you go ask someone for change.  Here's a news flash: Whether 
or not a soda machine takes your dollar has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to 
do with what condition the dollar is in.  What it DOES have to do 
with is how your present yourself to the machine, and your general 
manner in approaching the beast.  Your dollar will most definitely 
be spat back out at you if you run up to the machine, with a frown 
on your face and quickly try to slip it in.  Your dollar most 
definitely WILL be accepted if you present yourself in a friendly, 
open manner.  Try not to make any quick moves, and wear a smile, 
it'll take it ever time.  I've been testing this one for about 3 
months now, haven't been rejected yet. 

Theorem #3, the Time theorem. 

     This is the most complex, and most interesting of my theorems, 
it also happens to be the hardest to understand.  Say, for example, 
that you're sitting in class at 11:40.  You don't know what time it 
is, but you do desire to know what time class ends.  You have two 
options.  1). You can somehow figure out what time it is, then 
calculate from the first period of the day, adding the periods 
together, what time class will end, subtract, and you've got how 
much time is left in class. 
2). You can sit blindly and wait for the bell to ring. 
If you chose option one, class will end at 12:00, if you chose 
option 2, class will end at 11:45.  This is inevitable.  SOMETHING 
will happen to make sure things go according to this theory, 
whether it be you forgetting to calculate something in, or the 
schedule being different that day, or whatever.  It will happen. 
This theory presents a very large problem in testing; you must 
simultaneously know, and not know, what time it is (Anyone read 
"1984" ? Remember Doublethink?).  Because of this I cannot 
currently prove this theorem, but I'm working on it. 

     This is the end of my wacky theorems, look for more in future 
issues of DFS. 

                                   Wonko the SANE 
                                  SimSanity Incorporated 

 

P.S. This one really WAS written by Wonko the SANE. 

             Find DFS On These Fine Systems 
========================================================= 
| Paradise Lost - +1.414.476.3181                       | 
| Ti - (Private)                                        | 
| Realms of Decadence - +1.216.671.0078,,t66            | 
| Plan 9 Information Archives - +1.716.881.FONE (3663)  | 
|                                                       | 
| AE - Plan 9 Information Archives - Login: DFS         | 
| FTP - etext.archive.umich.edu - pub/Zines/DFS         | 
|                                                       | 
| To submit, call Paradise Lost and log on as DFS.  The | 
| password is JINGLE JINGLE.                            | 
=========================================================