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Herring Issue 01
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Herring 'zine Issue One, 10/1996
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"You must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest, wiiiith, a HERRING!@"
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Welcome, welcome, to Herring Monthly Issue One. I suppose about now your
asking yourself .. hmm, what is this crap? well, Herring is a little stupid
zine that i like to call home. you can't write in it, heh like you even
wanted to anyway?, so don't send me articles! It's just for me! wee, me!
Well me and maybe some of my friends, but anyone who isn't my friend, can
just piss off!
This is _NOT_ a humor 'Zine!! and its _NOT_ wacky!!
So thats what Herring is, a bunch of not-so-abstract writing, thrown in w/
a bunch of really stupid writing and a bit of serious stuff. It's really
hard for me to be obscure, i dunno why, so you (being the average idiot)
should be able to understand this stuff just fine. By the way, if you
like the abuse im dishing out, you'll love Herring! Naw, im just kidding,
its not possible to love Herring, theyre bloody aquatic slime!
I hope to keep issue around 20k or so, we'll see. Anywho, i should be
releasing Herring once a month, so long as the Russians don't invade the
U.S. and kill us all!!! Or maybe until those spooky Canaghians come down
mounted on their meeses, and take over the U.S., eh?
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I guess this was fun, but we gotta get on to the real _intillectual_ kind
stuff, hehe, oh well, go READ!
Gerritt (dior)
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The Table Of Fish
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>> News for Herring { editorial }
>> Sidestreet Blues { song }
>> Reviews { cd reviews }
>> Watchtower Stereo { song }
>> Freeform Fogwothian { true story }
>> Types of Stupidity { informative }
>> The Pool of Mirrors { song }
>> Borf the Snorf and Nerf { stupid story }
>> Dior Will Rule The World { dream }
>> The Chase { microtale }
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Sidestreet
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im walkin down the narrow sidewalk
lookin at you, watchin you talk
with that invisible friend
who takes care of you at night
the one who protected you from me
that chick that never let you see
the way across the street,
& thats all right, cause
you were just watchin the cars
stoppin to pause
w/out regrets i wont talk with you
cause im takin the sidestreet
& walking the backbeat
just shufflin my feet
down the sidestreet
im right across from you now
& you know that ive noticed
so you flick your hair &
ask someone what time it is
& ill just be takin the sidestreet
& walkin the backbeat
just shufflin my feet
down the sidestreet
but today was the day
you had to come over & say
hello stranger
but i was sick of chasing
& i couldnt keep on pacing
so i just smiled and kept on walkin
takin the sidestreet
& walking the backbeat
just shufflin my feet
back up the sidestreet
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Reviews
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311, Grassroots. Capricorn Records 1994 .. I suppose if 311 were a fruit
it would be a starfruit, oddly shaped, orange/green?, sweet at first then
some other odd taste after. Or something like that. Anyway, from the
first track to the last this has some great beats. Not so much of the
heavier stuff like in the self titled release, a nice dosage of bluegrass
jazz and p-nuts awesome funky style with his slap base. If you listen to
the cd at blockbuster music or whatever, be sure to check out tracks 1,
Homebrew .. 6, Applied science .. and 7, Taiyed, those should give you a
pretty good idea what the sound is like. All around good listening, front
to back. [9/10]
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Spot, self titled. Ardent Records 1995 .. If your looking for a thick,
strong tool meets pennywise meets bob dillan type record check out Spot.
They're a local band from down here in Florida, I first heard their first
single " Moon June Spoon " on 94.4Zeta and have been in love ever since.
9/10 of the songs are all nice'n heavy but " one of hazy days " is a
nice break with a neil young sounding acoustic set. It's really hard for
me to say anything bad about the cd, well, cause there isn't really
anything bad about it to mention. Go get it. [10/10]
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Eels, Beautiful Freak. Dreamworks Records 1996 .. You might have seen the
video for " Novicane For The Soul ", and its really not that bad, but I
can't really say that for the rest of the cd. Songs like Susan's House,
My Beloved Monster and Beautiful Freak really don't wow me, and are kinda
kooky. However if you like weezer, buy this cd, all the other songs are
actually very reminicent of weezers first cd. Overall, kinda like weezer
with a little bit of scary barney type bar music. Who knows, anyway, its
pretty good, but don't run to get it or anything. [6/10]
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Weezer, Pinkerton. Geffen Records 1996 .. The guys have grown up a bit, &
frankly, i think the first cd was better. Not that pinkerton doesn't rock
but it is a lot fuzzier and has a lot more grownup lyrics. Some people
might like that, but i thought the friendly garage band additude from the
first album was a good sound. However songs like, why bother, Across The
Sea, The Good Life, Falling For You and Butterfly keep the first cd's nice
feeling. If you've never heard a weezer song before, your a hermit and
you should go buy the first cd, and if you like it, buy pinkerton. [7/10]
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Watchtower Stereo
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Everyone needs to find a place, on the top of the world
Where they can live in peace, in bliss.
Everyone needs to find an understanding, of who they are
So they can understand why they feel like that.
Me, im fine, i dont have either, but im not everyone
Im someone else, im something else.
Understanding in stereo, is what its all about, its about
The lies that break our souls, about the odd little people
Who understand perfectly, its all in watchtower stereo
We cant seem to find a common ground, to place our ideas
Of right and wrong, what do you understand about me?
They say im crazy but im just confused, i cant find the reasons
Im so different, why are you so difficult to see?
Why cant we piece together a plateau of understanding, to an apex
Of euphoira? i guess well never know, its all a mystery. to me..
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Freeform Fogwothian
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I did like I did every weekend, rode my bike down the street to my friends
house. Either just walking in or maybe knocking on the back door i went
into the home like i had done so many times before. We played some games
on the computer,went swimming, ate some hot dogs and went back to my house
to play basketball or ride to the dead end with all the hills of sand.
But it would happen this day that my friend came with me back to my house,
like we did so many times before, we walked inside and into the kitchen to
get something to drink before we went out again. i guess he had always
been a bit nutty but for some reason i found my friend on the floor with
tears running down his eyes from laughing so hard. i asked him what was
going on, trying to hold in my own laugter at the sight before me.
" babbaahhhahahhahahaha, STOTH!!!, hahaha " he said through his laughter.
Stoth? i questioned him, what on earth is a stoth? He slowly regained his
composure and stood up, and pointed to the kitchen table, which oddly had
a piece of paper written on it that said; " Mom, get info on stoth ".
Obviously i knew it was a letter from my brother, he was asking my mom to
get information on a sloth not a stoth. i told my friend this but he just
could not stop laughing. So that day passed but it came again.
About three months later, my first friend told another one of my friends
about the mysterious word. He came to me and told me about it, he seemed
to think it was a funny word, i don't really get it to this day. Anyway,
he spent the night over that night and we were so tired that i began to
say really stupid stuff and we came up with this;
A Stoth doesn't bleed till it's shot,
but when it stops bleeding, it's over.
Don't ask me what it means, cause i haven't a clue. Anyway, from that
night on, which was around mid 1993, my first friend, who found the word
has made up hundreds of variations of the word and has in depth info on
all the species of stoth. Which he belives to be some sort of ape-like
sloth-man. Who knows :)
Well, until this day, we're still friends, and yes, he still uses the
word occasionally, and not only that, but because of that word he has
become way more active in making stupid nicknames for things and actually
acts different than he did back before we saw the word.
My whole life has changed slightly due to one word, there you see, is the
power of a word. A stupid combination of letters, even a misspelling is
kinda neat in its own way. Just to let you in on one thing that came of
the stoth incident, this is a sentence in fogwothian, a language that my
friend, Chris, made up. Btw Chris is the first friend, ian was the other
friend.
blub blub blug bloog blooogaug blub blug glug glug blub :()
i'll leave you that to ponder over for a while.
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Types of Stupidity
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There are many forms of stupidity, and stupidity takes many forms. Lemmie
just tell you about a couple of the main sects of stupidity, the public
should be and will be informed.
Moron - Not quite stupid in a learned sense, the common moron makes MANY
MANY mistakes at everything he tries. Also called a blockhead
sometimes.
Idiot - A moron by trade, the idiot has intentionatly become less
intelligent and is proud of his stupidity. Often idiots can be
seen gathering in groups or gaggles to entertain each other.
usually very immature.
Dope - By no request by himself, the dope can not help that he is innately
a moron and no matter how hard he tries never succeeds in the
academic life. Dopes usually play sports very well and are very
nice people.
Fool - Thousands of books have been written on the fool so i will only
touch on the subject. A fool is the opposite of a wise man, he
purposely will do everything in his power to do everything bad that
he can. The fool is not always stupid but occasionaly he is.
Loser - a lot like the fool, only more of an idiot than the common fool.
Lunatic - we are all a bit looney at times, the lunatic extremes are
usually not experienced unless one visits an asylum. Herring
could be considered an act of lunacy by myself, and i am proud
of that. Lunatics are not stupid, and 80% of the time lunatics
dont even seem like lunatics, they are normal, but when they
enter into their field of lunacy, the lunatic tendencies arise.
Where do you rate? none of the above? if you think so then you would be
the fool. No one is perfect, we are all a gazilion miles away from that,
so dont think you are.
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The Pool of Mirrors
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On wings of flight, on wisp of willow
Through endless glades of evermore
Shilera walks upon the nole
Singing tune forgotten lore
She dances with the mice and crickets
And prances through the grassy thickets
Down to the pond of mirrors
She looks into the hallow mire
To see reflection of her spire
in the pond of mirrors
What ho is this? the smell of pipe
A little man sits by the pond
Below the hollow weeping willow
From his pipe, the smoke does billow
Blue rings puff fourth, he humms a tune
To the crickets and dragonflys and moon
And Shilera looks and waits and listens
And harkens to the sound of crickets
As they chirp along so eleoquently
With the little mans song, beneath the willow tree
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Borf The Snorf And Nerf
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Once upon a time there lived this guy named borf, he was a flute
playing fogwothian. Every day he would load up scream tracker and put
in the flute sample. He would just type for hours a bunch of random
notes with the flute sample. Borf loved the flute, but he had another
love even more dramatic, the snorf. A snorf is a lot like a snork but
not quite so small and they live on land, not underwater. Borf loved to
play basketball and eat cheese with his snorf. One day Borf got bored
and decided to name his snorf, he named him Tim.
" Tim! ", He would call, " Come eat your cheese! "
And the little snorf would snuffle up in his murfwaggon with his
nerf football and say hello. Borf would eat his cheese, usually munster
or cheddar, sometime provalonge, and Tim would eat his. One day Tim
decided to play in the street.
" it's dangerous in the road Tim! ", Borf would say, " Do be safe."
But the little snorf payed no attention, he just smiled and said ok.
But alas, that would be the undoing of the little snorf. Tim snuffled
out into the street, and licked his brand new block of cheddar. But it
was to late, a big murfwaggon speeding along at the rate of a snuffling
moose ran Tim over.
Borf was sad, but not for long. Borf's friend thrak-a-fog bought him
a brand new snorf with a muffler and a peg-leg. Borf smiled and ate his
cheese with his new snorf, whom he called, Tim version 2.0.
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Dior will rule the world
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One day, I hope the fogwothains capture and dominate the human race.
they'll name me their leader and i can order everyone around. I might even
get to call people names, like silly, or goofy, that would be funny.
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The Chase
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( a micro-tale if you will )
Aha! a torch, at last a dimension to this hellish cave, he thought
silently as he slipped through a oval shaped crevice in the limestone.
They could be on me as i sit, by the seven moons of the Grey Elves i am
a lazy fool. How could i come to this; a simple farmer, living a simple
life, to the chased beggar running for his skin.
He sat down, but not a second to soon, for the army was not as far as
he had estimated.
A good two hundred yards he thought, before he would have to risk
hiding or running. But neither was a good choice, his leg was strained
by the hard stone and he was an oaf for this crevice, a good two feet
too tall.
The time was upon him, he could feel the impending heat rise as the
hundreds of angry creatures chitterd fourth from the dank darkness that
lay behind him. if it were not a twitch in his leg, it was a gift from
the lord, he sprang fourth, out of the crevice with lion strength. He
dashed not away, but toward the impending horde of smelly flesh and
rotten teeth. They knew not what to do .. a screaming figure standing
a good four feet over the largest of them came dashing fourth, fire in
hand covered in darkness. They ran crazy, attacking one another, stricken
with fear of the ogre ghost who came upon them.
He made it, for now at least, back towards the entrance with only
minimal followers at his tail. Which were soon disposed of.
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Herring is (c), Tanglewood Productions 1996. [ All Rights Preserved ]
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