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Icon Issue 08
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-- (c)opyrightù1996.
"i'm an emotionally unstable crack dealing mind-changin' speed-of-light-
calculatin donut humping grease monkeyin' ex-slinky editorin' mother-
fuckin' homosexual cocksuckin' nigger jew red-headed stepchild sumbitch
who won't take 'no' for a fuckin answer when it comes to my dick and a
black mans ass, there's nothing like kool-aid on a warm belly full of
jizz." - me
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+- -(table of contents)- -+
%1 editorial: "sucking cock while staring at a rock on a big dock" by cerkit
%2 article: dossier of #zines people" bye cekrit
%3 article: "i'm da mac daddy!!" by cerkit
%4 article: "metalchic embarasses my sorry ass" captured by cerkit
%5 article: "rm -rf d0ud" by cerkit
%6 poems: "the better the butter the wetter the gutter" buy cerkti
%7 article: "the icon saga" by jamesy
%8 article: "incense & peppermints: matt baumbach is a scrawny piece of
cuntlint with fucked up teeth & a shitty haircut" by mrs.
baumbach
%9 article: "i am ugly, my hair sucks, i have no friends & i will never
amount to anything: a self-portrait" by cerkit
+- -(table of contents)- -+
----- -(edit) - -------------- ----------------------(orial)----------------+
"sucking cock while staring at a rock on a big dock"
by cerkit
hi, and welcome to the long-awaited icon nummerrro-a (latin) eight!
bearing unforseen and enexplicable dilemicies i have connotated that icon 9
will be forcustrated due to an inevitability concentrated at my ramma-doodle
wing-wong yip-yup wink wink bloo-blah. sorry for any problems this may
cause!
like i said before, i don't except submissions from ANYONE unless
thare people i think r cute. i think mogel 'n' jamesy are cute guys so i
accepted thare submissions... jamesy's story just plain rules and i can't
really understand mogels but thats probably just because i'm whacked out on
goofballs, marijuana, smack, heroin, and anything else you can buy illegaly.
i hate homos and drug addicts. i have never done drugs and i have
never sold them.
my name is matthew f. baumbach. remeber -- the 'f' is for faggot.
------ -(art) - -------------- ----------------------(icle)----------------+
"dossier of #zines people"
by cerkit
mogel: generally he tends to come off as an early homonid possibly of the
astro-pithilus-africanus species. he once said something to the effect of
"cerkit, you are a cumulonimbus stratopheric admonition to the very
rockilation of the existance of my lukination to the tenth power!" and ever
since then we have been very good friends.
fatslayer: you think you know linux you gay fagg, you and me had a few good
laughs over some really hilarious pee-your-pants unix jokes... like.. hjaha
remember the one about the super-user who said 'ls!!!' hahaha..., that was
the best my faggy annoying friend!! or the one about when that guy set
the permissions to his /dev directory wrong... hahaa!!!!! that was the bEST!
pip: you have the personality of a warez-pup!@#!!! you are datin' skanky
cranky.. thats os fuxin nasty i cant begin to explain the anachronisms of
dating crankonius milandius ignorantia maximia... you fucking gloobocuus
mangus wammo -- fuck you if you don't know latino you gay ass mexican
buffalo humpin daughter fuckin sumbitch, you ass licking, rat-bastarding,
mind boggling fruitopia of lollapollooza wannabee-isms... you have no clue
about no ramification of the loblookienomorixiaxtion!! so just get a quarter
and buy a FUCKKING FACTOID... O.K.????
mercuri: a corn huskin maka-woomie who flaunts his fammy-woo-chok-wink-wink
is somehow under the impressions of the french that i am a crack dealer just
because i said he had a cat in the hay is worth more than two in the bush.
he thinks its not possible for something to be more illegal than something
else what a dumbass i'd bust his ass with a glock if i could own a glock but
thare more illegal than sellling crack (which i sell)!!!
black francis: this dumb motherfucker mtv generationer is one dumb peise of
shit. the circumcisional differences between sxe and punk or monunormusly
great... therefore, this biped will never hold any place of valueoscity in
my mind.
niggers: i fuckin' hate you and i'm so fucking maximia tuff that i will
teenage-mutant-hack all your sorry black asses nigger heads all day long.
you're all a bunch of ignorantis (if you cant pronunce it too bad)!!!!!
parents: ohhhh!! if you hadnt had sex in that hay-loft that one fateful
december night to keep warm, i would've never been born. THANK GOD MULES
CANT PRODUCE FERTILE HUMAN OFFSPRING!! hEEhAW!
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"i'm da mac daddy!!"
by cerkit
well.. first.. i woke up. i petted my dauschaund.. sweedums.
for breakfast.. i decided to do something wilddddddddd!!$#
english muffins with jelly!$!@$ ohh.. it's totaly going to upset my
diet of crack. i called up my girl friend tifanny... and she said
"stop callin here!@$!@$"
and i said
"i'll sell ya some crack"
and she said
"ok! but i still won't touch you!"
and then she hung up
then.. my faithful dog.. sweedums beat me up.. stole all my crack..
and sexually harrassed me. ohhh sweedums was a mean one! he could
bench a bag full of dog biscuits and crack!! after that.. i got
waisted on crack and listened to snoop doggy dog. snoop dog is my
idol... he makes me drooooooooooolllllllll. after that.. since i'm
so cool.. i called the young christan coalition!~$@ they told me to
get bent.. so i decided to sell them crack. but they wouldn't buy
any!@$!$@ makes me so mad i could abuse my pet gerbil, fluffy!@$!@$
me "get ready for a beating fluffy@!$!@"
fluffy "wheet"
hours later
<fluffy puts a big bandage on cerkit>
cerkit "i really can't believe how much you sexually harrased and or
beat me and stole my crack."
fluffy "wheet"
act two: cerkit.. on da mean streets!
cerkit "please marry me"
mogel "no"
cerkit "i want to be like you mogel"
mogel "gimme crack and you can be"
cerkit "no"
mogel "wheet!"
hours later...
cerkit "wow.. i can't believe how many times he hit me... 5'3 of
power.. he is."
a little bit later
cerkit "marry me.. please"
mercuri "you know.. i was just talking with mogel.. he says you won't
give anyone any crack!!!"
cerkit "if you marry me i will give you some crack.. sweedums"
mercuri "isn't that your weener dogs name?"
jubjub "hah.. weener dog for the weener"
cerkit "that wasn't nice! don't make me get glok out on yo ass!!@$"
jubjub "i'll tell das pigs!"
cerkit "oh no! it's alot more illeagel then selling crack!!"
mercuri "wheet"
<jubjub and mercuri beat the shit out of cerkit, and then steal his
crack>
hours later
<cerkit sits in the hospital.. next to a raggety sick old 90 year old
lady with leprosy>
cerkit "want me to kick yo' fucking ass?! move over!!!!!!"
ol' lady "wheet!!!!!"
_________ <hours later...>
( )
|rip cerkit|
--
here lies
cerkit..
killed by an
old lady.
"will you marry me?"
-----------------------
kurdt "wheet"
cerkits ghost "you can't beat me up! your to gay!!"
kurdt "oh yeah?!$?e@!?@$?"
and the battle ended in a draw
fin
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"metalchic embarasses my sorry ass"
captured by cerkit
session start: sat dec 14 21:43:12 1996
<chic_> i can tell you things
<chic_> cerkit doesn;t wear any kind of underwear at all.
just pants.. hee hee! shhhhhhh
<chic_> i will tell you about the punching incident.
<chic_> this car drove by and cerkit
stuck his hand up (this is on a major highway) and they came back got out
of the car and punched him and he didn;t do a thing.
session close: sat dec 14 21:47:54 1996
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"rm -rf d0ud"
by cerkit
so eye hate u and everyone is stupid and they suck and thare
rat-bastardz and fuck them and icon sucks and people that don't like me
such a lot and im wear a "g" baseball cap and i have a k0ul black leather
jacket and black francis is really funny when he calls me a d0rk and that
time he gave me a piledriver was funny too but he sucks and m0gel is a
too-faced jerk -- i can't figure out why he is makes fun of me when i snap
at him out of knowhere and belial is a real asshole cause he likes everyone
and p1p is a fag because h0m0s3xuality is for fags and i got high all the
time and i have the bezt job in the whole world i'm making a million
dollarz an hour or something like that i think i have a t3 cable plugged
directli up my ass hahaha eye said ass that fucking r0ckz you rat-bastard
shut up asshole fuckwad craphead jerkbutt faggityfagfaggotqueerfaggay-boy.
did i mention that i'm a complete fucking idiot?
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the better the butter the wetter the gutter
-articulated by cerkit
excrementally speaking, the phonetical jubilations of aesthetical
prominence have mediocrity written all over them. here is a poem that i call
"when my mom is away i use her vibrator".
curly pubes, i see
when i'm with my kin
i feel two balls
they slap my chin
or is it my knee pads
i have lost
my knees are sore
at this cost
let dad's penis
now stand and shine
i do the work
but i'm getting mine
i give dad head
with no despair
he blows his load
into my hair
does it end
hath it start
is this the shaft
what is this part?
with my hand
i release his skin
curly pubes, i see
when i'm with
my kin
shiver
the hair on my ass stands erect
it knows sheer pleasure will be it's effect
after ten minutes it loosens my bowels
in the corner of my room my dog sits and howels
oh, my mothers vibrator, how grand it will be
when the store she is at i take it from she
it sits in her closet next to lesbian porn
i've been enthralled with it ever since the day i was born
it's massaging action provides quite the erection
i stand naked in a mirror to see my reflection
i am a homosexual
now i would like to share with you another, that has a warm place in
my heart. it's entitled, "i can swallow a baseball bat with my ass".
a thin layer of shit
that is what is on my baseball bat
with my anus i enclose my cat
inside my ass it shreaks and scratches
with my own wit i named him patches
afterwords he smells horrible for years
the swell in his eyes is definetly tears
when i sit on a chair, i slide to the floor
my first chance at sex, i swallowed the whore
a promiscuous ass is a curse
i'm kind of embarrased putting out this next one because it is so
near and dear to me. i think it describes my being perfectly. it is called
"folds of fat hang down from my thighs"
folds of fat hang down from my thighs
when a grown man sees them he instinctively cries
why come do i always got to hurt
when i was little i fantiscized about ernie and burt
these poems have insinuated that i'm blatantly gay
but when someone asks me i always replie "nay"
every chance i get i suck five year olds' dicks
italian boys are sexy micks
look at me i prefer to have sex with males rather than females and my
breeding isn't that great because the people in my family all have strange
quirks that god fearing christians would find horrifying and my mother and
my sister are the same person
admibaly i theorize that the ponderences of the quadralateral
antiquities of this poetry articulates the greviance that interveloperlates
my person. jeansieshly speaking of course.
------ -(art) - -------------- ----------------------(icle)----------------+
"the icon saga"
by jamesy
there was jamesy and kojak and tclaw and they went against pip
and cerkit and mogel and they were winning so pip and cerkit and mogel
had to do something about it so they claled htier firends crank and black
francis and dead cheese and styx and murmur and tao and creed and belial
and fatslayer and eerie and edicus and nyar and whoops and metalchic and
oregano and kaia so then jamesy and kojak and tclaw were outnumbered so
they got tanadept and alhpabeta and gaurdian and ffejtable and tmm and
fake scorpion and spiff and lumpy and mercuri and kkrazy and guido and
constantine and jfarnon so then mogel and friendfs were outnumbered so
they got cbg and unstuck and joltcola and lb2 and phorce and misunderstood
and y0lkb0t and sweeey erekt and cyric so then jamesy and kojak and friends
were outnumbered so they got gumby and sed and im2k and gnn and morph and
then it was pretty even so they fought for a long time so metalchic turned
to metal and pip turned to pip and it looked like pip and friends would
win but then jamesy got warez and they won.
****** cerkits note: hehhee... this was good shit jamesy... thanks for
submitting... i love g0ud action stories@#!
------ -(art) - -------------- ----------------------(icle)----------------+
"incense & peppermints: matt baumbach is a scrawny piece of cuntlint with
fucked up teeth & a shitty haircut"
buy mrs. baumbach
there once was this guy who was from this place & he did this stuff &
towards the end of it all everything you didn't expect to happen to this guy
happened because that's what happens in stories like this.
oh, & by the way, my fear & loathing of homosexuals is most likely
the product of daily ass-rapings & buttermilk enemas administered by my
homosexual father, who pays middle school boys to shit in pizza boxes so
that he can later eat their waste. now that i've come out, i'd like
to let it be known that i secretly dream of matthew perry deflowering my
virgin pucker with this long throbbing mancock.
long live the macarena.
------ -(art) - -------------- ----------------------(icle)----------------+
"i am ugly, my hair sucks, i have no friends & i will never amount to
anything: a self-portrait"
by cerkit
______
|_)_)_) <-- see? that's me. i'm ugly, that's for sure. my hair? well,
| _ _| one day i went to the barber shop & i told the guy, "hey, i
| o o| want a really fucking stupid-ass haircut. you know the kind,
(| > |. where it's shaved everywhere except the top & on the top it's
| | really long like a normal haircut except the rest is shaved so
_| # | it's not really normal but instead it just fucking sucks? do
|____| you think you could hook me up?" the guy said "yeah" & next
thing you know i have the suckiest shittiest haircut of them
all. needless to say, i tipped the man generously! oh yeah, & i have no
friends & i will never amount to anything. would you any less from
a simean like me? i think not!
------ -(bad!) - -------------- ----------------------(bye)----------------+
wham-bham doodle willy wonk wee weop flam flooo flim winky wonky tick
tocky larky darky smarky moo. wobba bobba doodle, winkity wonkity shooshasm
misasm.
hagga dagga magga lagga chagga,
woonka loonka toonka manka-woonka,
floma doma roma toma woma, go-go-go-goma!
hehehehehe the best thing about slinky was that one funni quote it went like
this: "are you gonna hump that?" hehehe.. that was the best!!
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-- (c)opyrightù1996. icon inc.
