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Icon Issue 01
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-- (c)opyrightù1996.
"how can 7-eleven serve you better? 1-800-255-0711"
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+- -(table of contents)- -+
%1 editorial: "back in black with a little more slack" by cerkit
%2 article: "the window mines" by cerkit
%3 article: "bathing in soil: the shoelace version of 'my love'" by cerkit
%4 article: "the-molested-endovisions-of-classic-post-modern-idioacy-
#zines-style-filled-with-your-usual-bunch-of-teenagers-
who-just-can't-seem-to-get-the-high-score-in-life-and-
becuase-of-that-are-filled-with-angst-and-the-20 somethings-
that-love-them" by cerkit
%5 article: "operation: deleware" by cerkit
%6 goodbye: "if i had a quarter tone for everytime you've said something
stupid, i wouldn't NEED a red box."
+- -(table of contents)- -+
----- -(edit) - -------------- ----------------------(orial)----------------+
"back in black with a little more slack"
by cerkit
taxing more brain power than you ever thought possible? well, just
sit back and enjoy a few rounds of icon and you'll decelerate higher brain
functions by at least a whopping 50%. are you tired and lonely? have
too many nights been filled with x-files and mountain dew runs? do
you crash at eleven in the p.m. and wake to find your finger tips encased in
the rich cheesey substance left behind by hours of useless and mindless
cheetos eating? well, do we have the cure for you. what? still not
convinced, that we know what we're talking about? well what if we told
you we'd give you it all, plus the matching pair of glow in the dark oven
mitts, all for the low, low price of two dollars and fifty cent? what!?
your still griping!? fine, you've won me over. it'll all be free.
i'm the du0d you love to hate, the one you invite to cons, just to try
and pick a fight with, the one, the only, cerkit. welcome guys and gals
to icon, MORE than a 'zine, a hipocracy! don't excuse the ugliness of our
format i'm stretching to reach that ansi-scene-esque appearence. i seem to
be missing the snazzy come-backs i guess. even if you don't wonder as to
why this 'zine is here, i plan to tell you.
well sometime ago, roughly about a day or so, what little was left of
my chop-shop, bob villa, home-book-set built, looking computer decided to
become a make-shift paper weight. so here am, without the aid of linux,
and not sparing you a minute of my anguish. i managed to do more then
half of this 'zine directly from a boot disk with a copy of edit, i got off
a hard-drive owned by pip the angry youth. this particular hard-drive was
on it's last legs as well. i barely scraped off edit without taking any bad
sectors, and to boot i had to hold the keyboard input in the socket and wiggle
it constantly to keep a connection to get past keyboard detection and
type the copying strings, to put it on disk.
currently i am on my computer however, see it's real moody, if i turn it
off, i will most likely spend a few hours spartically throughout the day
playing with hard-drive and floppy drive connectors just to get it to again
turn on. so if that isn't challenge enough, i have no comm program. if you
get your hands on this that means somehow, someway, i made it back. if not
this was a lot of wasted time.
i travelled a bumpy road filled with hardware/software retardation so,
struggling through this issue is just a very amusing past time. i'd like to
do some recap, though some of this may have appeared in other 'zines and/or
maybe common knowledge:
I. 'ZineDom
a. slinky --
i. is dead.
ii. shall it return? undetermined, doubtful.
II. 2599.COM
a. news
i. the system will open as scheduled, sometime this year.
this system that is broken was only a temporary box i
planned to abuse prior to 2599.COM's opening.
b. info
i. 2599.COM is the manifestation of all that which was
to be pgoi.com, a totally self-suffient ISP, running
ultrix & linux on approx. four or so machines.
them being:
phear -- 64/RAM 9gig/500meg for ftp 486/dx100
du0d --- token win95 machine, stats yet undetermined.
haxme -- this box post repairs.
k0de --- linux workstation stats yet undetermined.
ii. i'm sorry but the system will be extremely private and
therefore only a select few will be given accounts.
unless i have told you that you are to recieve an account
don't expect one.
well that about raps that up. um, well as for other news i suggest
you buy a paper. i'd like your impression of this 'zine to be based on a
few things. number one, i'm not a good writer, which is why i write an
e'zine, nor do i pretend to be a good writer. this 'zine is far from perfect
in mine or anyone's eyes, those who chose to believe otherwise are retarded
or in some other way mentally or phsically impaired. the point of this 'zine
is to give me something to do and to play with what little grasp for writing
i have. um, and also contact information is as follows:
*we don't wanna hear from you, moron*
ok, so if you've made it this far, and i highly doubt it, try to read
on.
------ -(art) - -------------- ----------------------(icle)----------------+
"the window mines"
by cerkit
jeffery was a mental patient. he lived the last seven years of
his life in sunshine park mental rehabilitation institute. he was suffering
from a severe case of multiple personality disorder. he had been on prime
time with cindy crawford a few years back because of his disorder. do to the
his case being so unique a case of mpd. he had a normal childhood nothing
out of the ordinary that would of sparked the disorder as far as the doctors
were concerned. jeffery told a different story.
(four years ago.. . )
"i was only eleven but i remember it well. i was playing by the
old ash martin wishing well, everyone else went home for dinner so i was
playing alone. it began to rain and i ran into the bushes for cover."
jeffery twitched and shifted in his chair.
"i slipped in the thick mud by the bushes and fell deep into the
woods and i lost my way. the storm grew pretty fierce, i couldn't see where
i was going. i was crying, and after while was very tired from all the walk-
ing, when all of sudden a great flash came, and thats the last i remember.
i woke up in bunker memorial hospital, supposedly being treated for being hit
by lightning."
jeffery grew nervous. he shifted back and forth in his chair and
bit his nails.
"the day after i got out of the hospital the voices started."
"what voices?" asked the cindy.
"well the voices in my head. my friends."
"the doctors say you have seven personalities.
here's doctor james lamar to discuss the fairly unique case of multiple
personality disorder. doctor whats so unique about jeffery?"
"well cindy, jeff, has 7 personalities, though he remains
what we caller, the controller personality. you see in MPD cases patients
shift from personality to personality, in jeffery's case the secondary
personality will exist passively, and just communicate with jeffery. we
at first considered this a form of schitzsophernia, but after a few more
specific tests we realized that the voices were specific personalities, and
not flaws in jeffery processing capabilities, as is the case in schitzopheric
patients."
"amazing doctor. so, jeffery, exactly what do these voices tell
you?"
"well, well, the leader is morrison, he often tells me of the
him and his armies plans to take over deleware. hendrix, his second in
command, always tries to enlist me in gathering people to help in operation:
deleware. but i know it's wrong. so i don't help them."
"your telling us here today that your personalities want to take
over deleware? thats amazing."
"well cindy", doctor lamar began, "it's really not very amazing.
because jeffery manifests so many personalities, jeffery must also give them
purpose, a reason for being. so, he has chosen that his personalities are
an army bent on delewarian domination."
"thats all very strange and unusual. well, he hope you've
learned something today folks, and be sure and pick up my book, best-seller
"on top of cindy" at your nearest book store, join us next time on prime-time
wth cindy crawford."
(present)
after the show with cindy crawford, jeffery began to become very
militant more disturbed and less normal. he spoke of crusades to deleware,
and the domination of the world. after he killed four fellow patients he
was placed in maximum security. which lead to more trouble. there he met
dr. pepper, the hackensack, new jersey stranggler and taffy, a cross-dresser
from boston who was arrested for taking an entire shopping mall hostage, and
threatening to blow it up.
these two would play a serious roll in the future of america.
------ -(art) - -------------- ----------------------(icle)----------------+
"bathing in soil:'my love' the shoelace remix"
by cerkit
she was cheerleader, i was nerd.
she hung in a popular crowd, i hung in a herd.
she discussed sex, and i spoke of ethics
she smoked cigarettes, while i debated physics.
but then one day, i saw her alone, and i decided to greet her.
and hopefully with luck, i perhaps could meet her.
she said "fuck you nerd!" right to my face
and covered my glasses in a pool full of mace.
i replied with great grace "YOUR IN FOR IT NOW YOU FUCKING HOE!"
and i carried my love sweetly into the woods near the school
where i beat, raped and mangled her lovely body, and had my mom
pack parts of her in my lunch everyday.
my love, bathe in the soil.
------ -(art) - -------------- ----------------------(icle)----------------+
"the-molested-endovisions-of-classic-post-modern-idioacy-#zines-style-filled-
with-your-usual-bunch-of-teenagers-who-just-can't-seem-to-get-the-high-score-
in-life-and-becuase-of-that-are-filled-with-angst-and-the-20 somethings-that-
love-them"
part one. "interview with the empire"
who's the empire? well, of course you know. dto. who else. they're
the rectangular provista castle institution of classical #zines. the
statue monument to what can be considered a 'zine. a group of people all
bound together by three words. doomed to obscurity. now thats not to say
all of #zines is and will be dto. far from it. wait a minute i'm becoming
coherent, hold on. ok. first lets discuss the genres of philosophy followed
by most of #zines regulars. you have your:
the gweedsinese: (pronounced gweeds'in'eze)
hate all, hate everything, try your best to offend and believe yourself
perfect, display problems with everything no matter how hypocritical you may
have to become.
several cases of this exist: gweeds(patient zero), bF, and jamesy.
the smoochic: (pronounced smoooo'chik)
love all, love everything, try to offend more subtely. followed by your
belief that you love everything and everyone, basically a much nicer brand
of #zines regularists.
(see mogel)
the media-crity: (pronounced meed'ee'ok'crit'ee).
the try and get my message out to everyone that there is something special
about me and me alone. that i have the ideals a nation should follow. all
peoples everywhere, believe i really am cool. basically people who suffer
from a low self-esteem. look under bill & ted syndrome.
(see edicius and/or jonas e'zine)
the ignoranti maximia: (if you can't pronounce it too bad.)
a branch of gweedsinese, which makes itself unique only becuase the measures
taken are based on total and complete ignorance, where as gweedsinese, is
usually based on some knowledge of thereof in and about. bent on some form
of social paranoia towards communism and communists.
(see mercuri and/or rad e'zine)
the bored-e-os-oh: (a'duh. i sounded this one out FOR you)
the collection of beliefs that why they are here and what they do is becuase
they are bored, and therefore all actions are rendered meaningless becuase
it's just a pass-time. people who shouldn't be taken seriously for the most
part. highly contagious.
several cases exist: pip (patient zero), belial and edicius.
the hooker-wall-syndrome: (no one really cares how to pronounce this)
basically any female who finds herself in #zines. for the most part, they
play a tired and small role in the daily ache of #zines.
those are the major philosophical backrounds for #zines regulars.
i myself belive that i follow them all at different times. of course, this
breakdown is highly biased and fictional. my attempts to remain unable to be
understood, i hope are still in full capicity in this article. i would hate
to find that i was actually saying something worthwhile, but if you find such
a case please let me know, i will be sure and make changes. there will most
certainly be more of this kind of stupidity.
------ -(art) - -------------- ----------------------(icle)----------------+
"operation:deleware"
by cerkit
taffy was to be release on march seventh. his friends on the outside
were already going through with his suggestive plans to buy alot of weapons,
and start a.l.s., army of lead singers. commanded by jeffery. taffy was
released on schedule. dr. pepper and jeffery were left to rot until they
could be busted out.
jeffery and dr. pepper were on the inside drawing the plans for their
taking over of deleware. jeffery was aided by his seven personalities,
while dr. pepper included his brutal attitude into the plans to shape them
to perfections.
(light night)
the sounds of dr. pepper's snooring and crickets layed in backround like
white on canvas. jeffery slept soundly dreaming of guns and domination.
all at once a great explosion filled the hallways with sound. making
taffy's presents known to the whole institute. alarms whistled, guards
hustled down stairs and hallways all over. by the time anyone reach the
maximum security wing, dr. pepper and jeffery, were gone, leaving behind
only a large hole which spanned the course of their two cells.
months passed with little heard of jeffery or any of the a.l.s.
then, on january twenty-third, the winter of 1998, all the televisions
of the world, on all stations of the world, was jeffery's face.
"i am morrison, of the army of the lead singers, the government
of the united states is about to become extinct. if i am not given forty-six
million dollars in thiry minutes in the number account on the bottom of the
screen, i will begin my world domination starting in the borders of the united
states."
it thinned out and returned to meet normal programming which was
interrupted later by the emergeny broadcast system crying for citizens not
to panic. you see, in the time that passed jeffery had forged his
organization. code-names were given to each member to protect them from later
persecution. jeffery was now jim morrison. dr. pepper was now jimmy hendrix.
taffy was now axel rose. in their travels, the three had met several allies.
they became neil young, kurt cobain, peter steele and shannon dougherty.
the secret identity of the army of the lead singers was held in the
highest form of security. and known only by the trustworthy members of the
army.
with twenty-five minutes to spare the president of the united states
publicly announced the following:
"we, as americans, having fought to be americans, must fight to remain
americans. we can't answer the cries of derranged social deviant who dare
command us to do otherwise, that is why i've decided we will not meet the
demands earlier made by this 'army of the lead singers', but rather find and
kill them on a live pay-per-view special. call your cable company for
information regarding show-times and prices. thank you"
after seeing the news report the army of the lead singers began their
take over of deleware. the cia having heard they were taking over deleware
decided to quickly send a great military compliment to deleware. several
hours passed and nothing came. the national gaurd sat on lawn chairs reading
porno and drinking beer with citizens thereof and a lot of sex was to have
been had, if not for what was coming.
reports came in from all over that strange men in funny clothes had
taken over mini-marts and super-markets all over the united states. when
government officials arrived they found every scrap of food gone. all the
food of the united states had been stolen. the cia, had been snuffed, tricked
and horn swoggled. the president was forced to make another statement later
that week:
"army of the lead singers, i would like to apologize for calling you the
names i did earlier this week, it was uncalled for and ignorant of me.
please forgive me. at any rate, i was wondering that with are new found
friendship if it would be possible to return us some food? thanks in advance"
no food was returned. the united states was on alert.. .
[to be continued]
------ -(good) - -------------- ----------------------(bye)----------------+
well i hope you didn't get any of this issue. stay-tuned for more.
most probably. or i may just decided to rename the 'zine every issue.
i'm not sure what to do yet. but, i'm loving it. this is my little black
book. like i said, you fucking idiot, moron, and retard, i don't want your
submissions, keep them away. thanks. and don't fucking read issue two,
you dumb motherfucker.
from: me, the ever objective, ever loving editor.
to: you, the lonely hunk of horeshit, deprived of any social life.
message:
i hope you catch a nasty case of death. you fucking loser.
if i had a quarter tone for everytime you've say something
stupid, i wouldn't need a red box, fuckface.
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-- (c)opyrightù1996. icon inc.
