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H0H0H0#$!1!!! 1T'Z D4T T1M3 0V Y33R@#@!!!1! G3T INt0 D4 H0L1D4Y Sp1R1T WiT...
@#^*&$$$^@$*(%$@(&!#^*%($*&^$%@$^$@!%$*!%!$(&%*&^$$&(^*&($!&*$!*&@!$$!!$%%*$*%$^
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%&(&^%*&%@^@^*&$@^$@ SP3C14L H0L1D4Y ED1T10N!!!1!! #*&#!^#$$#*$%*$!$$*$%*$$*!
----++++#####$$$$$ KuNT KuNT KuNT KuNT KuNT KuNT KuNT KuNT $$$$$#####++++----
KuNT PhUCKz RuDoLPh 2 G3t 1Nt0 D4 ChR1ZTM4S 5P1RiT$&$#&@$!!!!!!!!!
----++++#####$$$$$ KuNT KuNT KuNT KuNT KuNT KuNT KuNT KuNT $$$$$#####++++----
KuNT -- HaQaHS4Ur1NG a M3RRy KrIZtMA5 N 4N 3l33T N3W Y33R$&(*#@^@!!!11!!!1!!!!!!
-----------------------------------------
| KuNTMARK GREETING CARD |
| ______ |
F33Rl3ZZ L33D3R N | / \ |KuNT V1C3 PR3Z1D3NTZ:
F0UND3R D00d: | / O | | TH4 SYB3R-P0NT1FF
S4T4NUZ M4X1MUZ | / | | D1G1T4L M1LK5H4K3
| vvvvvvvvv | |
| \^^^^^^^^ / |
| \___ | \ ___________ |
| / | \/ \ |
S3C0ND 1N C0MM4ND,| | / / | / H4v3 U B33n | | 0TH3R KuNTL1NGZ:
H34D PR0GR4MM3R, | /------ / | |3l33T 0R L4m3| |S1ZT3R M4RY PHUCKF4C3
N GUY WH0 G1V3Z | /v/-----/ | | Th1Z Y34R?? | | CH0P SU1D
0UT T1TL3Z: | | | \___________/ ^ |
D1G1S4URUS H3X | | \ / / |
| | \ / / | C0NTR1BUT0RZ:
| | \ _ / / | R1CH4RD CR3T4N
0FF1C14L KuNT | | \____/ / | SKwAre
CH1N3Z3 F00D | \ \ / |
D3L1V3RY B0Y: | | /\ \ /-- | TH4NX 2:
D34DL1N3 | | / \ \ -----/ | CAPTAIN KIPLOH
| | |\ \ |
| / | | \ | N0 TH4NX 2:
OFF1C14L KuNT | / /_/ | | BSK1N
T01L3T SCRUBB3R: | <|______/_______/ | (fucking elitist
TH3 S1L1C0N F4RM3R| Signed, All the family here at KuNT| tyrant asshole)
-----------------------------------------
Happy Hardcore died for your sins.
RIP Happy.
June 1995 - December 1995
KuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNT
TKuNTSUBLIMINALNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuN
NTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKu31EE7NEZZuNTKuNTKuNT
uNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTKuNTK
AN INTRODUCTION FRUM THA D1G1S4UR
SaTaNuS is busy, so I get to do the intro this time. w00t.
Welcome to the special holiday issue of KuNT. Originally this was intended to
be the Christmas issue. However, seeing as we were a bit too busy getting laid
at the annual KuNT Xmas party, we didn't get much writing done before the
big day. And New Years...well, you know how big-titted chicks get when they're
in the presense of a master hacker on New Years Eve...
[AT THIS POINT IN THE TEXT FILE, D1G1S4UR'S DOSE OF DEXTROMETHORPHAN KICKS IN,
THUS CAUSING HIS WRITING TO BECOME INCREDIBLY BAD. YES, WORSE THAN WHAT HE
HAS WROTE SO FAR. SO SATANUS MAXIMUS EXERCISED vi's ELITE dd COMMAND AND
NUKED THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF THE ANGSTBOY BABBLE. THANK YOU.]
Anyways, it's time for the table of contents, you latte-swilling fuckhead.
. . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . .
::::::::::::::::::::::::::KuNT SeCuRiTY aDViSoRY::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::aNoTHeR PoeM iN THe WaLL (PaRT 1)::::::::::::::
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::THaNKSGiViNG:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::HoLiDaY PHuN:::::::::::::::::::::::::
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::aNoTHeR PoeM iN THe WaLL (PaRT 2):
[oopZ i fuqd up here]
:::::::::RiCHaRD CReTaN MeeTZ JeeZuS::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
:::::::::::eWe CaN HaCK DiNeRZ T00::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
::::::::::::::::KuNT BooK ReVieW (aND SeWiNG CiRCLe (w00p)):::::::::::::::::::
::::::::::::::::::::::RoMe0 aND KuNTLieT::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
::::::::::::::::::::::::::KeLaNi::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::KuNT HaX Da STuPiD BoWL::::::::::::::::::::::::
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::HaXoRiN WiT No CoMPuTeR::::::::::::::::::::
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::iNGReDieNTZ:::::::::::::::::::::::::::
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::HiGHBLoC. NuFF SaiD::::::::::::::::
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::aN eLiTe DaY:::::::::::::::::::::
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::CuLTuRe. ReaLLY:::::::::::::::
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::YeS, We D0 DRuGZ:::::::::
. . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . .
Attention -- For Immediate Release -- Attention
KuNT Security Advisory
Title: Vulnerabilities in netsex(8), /dev/pussy
Date : January 18, 1997
Attention -- For Immediate Release -- Attention
Abstract:
KuNT has recently discovered a serious flaw in the implementation of
/dev/pussy, which may lead to unauthorized system access and/or use. This
announcement affects all users of any flavor of UN*X which may have installed
the netsex(8) package, available from:
<http://www.kalifornia.com/~nexusfags/netsex.1.0.tgz>.
Explaination:
The particular flaw in /dev/pussy is related to its menstrual flows, related
to buffer overflows, which a common way for intruders to gain access to a
system. An example of this technique would be the various exploits which
are available for sendmaild (various releases).
Another similarly related shortcoming in /dev/pussy is its ability to be
penetrated by another part of the netsex(8) distribution, /dev/penis. The
very first time this particular attack to gain access through the /dev/penis
penetration attack, there is a very high chance that it will cause a rupture
of hymem.sys, causing a panic, and making blood run all over the place.
In addition, it has been reported from many different sites that frequently
have /dev/pussy installed that unexplainable system errors occur approximately
once per month. These have been affectionately dubbed 'PMS Attacks'. Users
may expect to see random processes killed, the kernel unwilling to allocate
space in the process table (thus disallowing new processes from being run),
and in rare cases, a full kernel panic and system halt.
Solutions:
KuNT recommends the following steps to alleviate the threat posed by the
netsex(8) distribution.
It is advised that a professional crisis team be called in to remove /dev/pussy
and /dev/penis from your system, if affected. If such a team is unreachable
through your means, we have placed a utility on warez.phantom.com/pub/faget
that will remove /dev/penis from your system. This utilty can be downloaded
as:
ftp://warez.phantom.com/pub/faget/castrate.1.0.tar.gz
As for the removal of /dev/pussy, we are only able to publically provide at
this time a group of utilties that will alleviate the problem. These can be
downloaded as:
ftp://warez.phantom.com/pub/faget/tampon.1.0.tar.gz
ftp://warez.phantom.com/pub/faget/midol.1.0.tar.gz
These daemons, when installed, should remove most of the threat posed by
/dev/pu ssy, especially from nasty 'PMS Attacks'.
---- END OF ADVISORY ----
. . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . .
CUPID HAS AN BOW
CUPID HAS AN ARROW
CUPID IS PINK
CUPID HAS NO WAREZ
CUPID IS A FAG.
. . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . .
WARNING: This piece is in incredibly poor taste. It contains plenty of
vulgarity, gratuitous violence, abuse of controlled substances, explicit
sexual acts between minors, and other fun stuff. If this offends you, well,
what the fuck are you doing reading a zine with a name like KuNT? Also, all
of the events contained within here are false, because the truth would simply
be too horrible to tell. ENJOY!
KuNT Industriez, Limited presents...
A KuNT FAMILY THANXGIVING
SCENE: Thanksgiving day, dinner time, at the KuNT family household.
Mother comes in, and sets down a small table. She puts a sign on top of the
table. Sign reads:
SOBER KIDS' TABLE
Mother:(to people in living room) Boys, time for dinner!
Father: Dammit, hold on! We're still watching the football game!
Mother: I don't give a shit! Get your ass in here!
Father: Fuck you, whore!
Mother: If you don't get your ass in here THIS FUCKING SECOND, I'm going to
donate your good bong to charity!
Father: YOU WOULDN'T FUCKING DARE!
Mother: YOU KNOW I FUCKING WOULD!
Slight pause, then father finally beckons the rest of the living room into the
dining room. Slowly a family gathers around the tables.
Cousin Richard: Why the FUCK do I have to sit at the sober kids' table? I just
smoked a fucking joint out there!
Father: You fucking COUGHED, bitch!
Cousin Richard: I have a fucking cold!
Father: You heard me, bitch! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN.
Mother goes into kitchen, and comes out carrying a blackened turkey. Smoke
fills the dining room. Mother sets turkey down in the center of the larger
table.
Cousin Joey: Come on, guys, let's say grace!
Father: TAKE IT OUTSIDE, GODBOY!
Cousin Joey: We must show proper worship to the Lord!
Uncle Bruce: Lord? FUCK THAT SHIT! LET'S WORSHIP SATAN!
Cousin Susie:(wearing a NIN shirt) Better yet, let's worship Trent! Mmmm!
Little Billy: Hey Baby, I'm all the God of Fuck you'll *ever* need!
Little Billy throws Susie onto the sober kids' table, and begins tearing her
clothes off. Both parties begin moaning passionately.
Bob:(at sober kids' table) MAAAAAA! MIRANDA THREW POTATOES AT ME!!!!!
Mother: CUT IT THE FUCK OUT, KIDS!
Miranda: EWWWWW!!!! BOB'S THROWING PEZ AT ME!
Mother: I SAID SHUT UP!!!
Miranda: YOU HEARD HER, SHE SAID STOP!
Bob: SHE MEANT FOR YOU TO STOP!
Miranda: STOPPIT!
Bob: YOU!
Miranda: WAAAA!!!
Bob: CRY BABY!
Miranda:(after kicking Bob in the nutsac) FUCKER!
Mother: I SAID FUCKING SHUT UP YOU LITTLE BRATS!
Grandma grabs an M-16 and fires a round of warning shots into the air. Pieces
of plaster from the ceiling fall into the stuffing. Little kids quiet up.
Mother: BOB! DON'T FEED THE TURKEY TO THE DOG! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH HASH I
STUFFED INTO THAT THING???
Cat: Weom!
Uncle Bruce:(after kicking cat) FUCKHEAD!
Father: OH DAMMIT JIM, YOU GOT THE CAT STONED AGAIN, DIDN'T YA?
Jim: IT'S NOT MY FAULT THE FUCKER ATE MY STASH!
Father: IT SHOWS WHAT YOU GET FOR LEAVING YOUR STASH WHERE THE CAT CAN GET TO
IT! DON'T YOU FUCKING KIDS KNOW *ANYTHING* ABOUT HIDING A STASH THESE
DAYS?
Various family members break off crunchy pieces of turkey, and spit them out.
Uncle Bruce: THIS TURKEY FUCKING SUCKS! WHERE THE *FUCK* DID YOU LEARN TO
COOK?
Mother: IT'S NOT MY FUCKING FAULT THAT MY HUSBAND WOULDN'T PAY FOR THE COOKING
LESSONS I ALWAYS ASKED FOR!
Father: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Little Janey: MOMMY, IS IT BAD THAT GRANPA'S NOT MOVING?
Father: OH SHIT, THE OLD MAN WENT AND DIED ON ME! HE *NEVER* LETS *ME* HAVE
SPOTLIGHT, EVEN WHEN WE HAVE THANKSGIVING AT *MY* HOUSE! HE CAN'T LET
ME HAVE *MY* FUCKING DAY! WELL, FUCK YOU, GRANDPA, *YOU'RE* THE TURKEY
NOW!
Cousin Joey: What?
Father: PASS ME THE FUCKING CARVING KNIFE!
Mother: You're not suggesting we *eat* Grandpa, are you?
Father: DAMN RIGHT I AM!
Father begins cutting up Grandpa, and passes a small piece to each member of the
family. Everyone slowly takes a first bite, and have a curious look on their
face as they consider the taste. Suddenly, everyone enthusiasticly eats the
rest of what's on their plate.
Uncle Bruce: Wow, this stuff is good. Kinda a tangy taste, but not *too*
tangy.
Jim:(To Julie) Sister dearest, can you pass me a piece of Grandpa's thigh?
Julie:(to Jim) Why sure, brother, as soon as i finish with his scrotum.
THE FUCKING END
. . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . .
HoLiDaYZ GeTTiNG eWe DoWN???
KuNT'Z CRiSiS aDViCe SQuaD TeW Da ReZKeW!!@%#@!
End the Holiday Madness
Anyone with half a brain hates the Thanksgiving to Christmas season.
There is too much family. Too many happy annoying people demanding
things from you. Too much forced joy specials on television. And WAY
too many repetitions of songs you've been listening to since childhood.
Anything Kathie Lee Gifford espouses must, by definition, be evil.
The only way to escape this recurring nightmare is to:
1. Stick your head in the turkey just after it comes out of the oven,
preferrably during the Christmas Day (TM) family gathering, but a
Thanksgiving Day (TM) end may also serve your purposes. Your timing
really depends on your own peculiar circumstances.
2. Run around banging into family members all the while flailing
your arms. You can never go wrong flailing your arms when trying
to kill yourself. The more flailing the better.
3. Go into a room that can be easily locked so you won't be accidentally
saved by well meaning but inconsiderate friends or family members.
[Alternatively you can just flee the house and run through the streets
aimlessly until you pass out. NO ONE in a large city will ever go near
someone with a steaming turkey on his head. If you live in a wooded
or rural area the best thing to do would be to run off into the
wilderness so your body can be found with all sorts of gnaw marks on it
from the multitude of animals that will flock to your decaying carcass
(and the turkey's, too).]
4. An interesting footnote to this holiday might be to swallow a large number
of Christmas ornaments (lights, small Santa dolls, actual fruit cake)
before you follow your bliss. Give your family and friends (if you
have either) something to discuss the following year.
***
EDZ N0T3: DiS HeLPFuL PHiLe DoNaTeD BY SC0TT CHR1ST3NS3N,
D4 0NLY D00D N D4 PHR33 WuRLD NuTZ eNuFF TeW CaLL KuNT "4NN0Y1NG."
***
. . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . .
THERE ONCE WAS A GUY NAMED ED
HE HAD A LOT OF WAREZ, OR AT LEAST THAT IS WHAT HE SED
ALL OF HIS WAREZ WERE DIRTY AND OLD
THEN HE DISCOVERED THAT BIG FAT MICROSOFT GOLD
HE WROTE KODE FOR BILL AND BILL SAID THANKS
THEN HE STUCK A HOLOGRAM PICTURE OF A GIMP ON IT AND SOLD THEM
BUT THEY COSTED TOO MUCH
. . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . .
On 2 Feb 1997 07:34:30 GMT, in alt.aol-sucks, mrsdleach@aol.com (MrsDLeach)
wrote:
>Dear Friends in Christ,
>Yes it is true, it is the real Mrs. Dianna Leach back in all her glory,
>and back to spread the good news about Jesus Christ and America Online's
>internet.
Mrs. Leach, I hate to burst your righteous bubble, but see, in my spare
time I study to be a TV evangelist. It's a correspondence school --
Catechism Ray Tube, Inc. -- and one of the best. Applying the lessons that
I've learned, tonight I attempted to shoot the shit with Our Lord and
Savior. (Lesson 3: Talking To The Lawd. Wait, no. Lesson 3 is Where To
Find Pastel-Colored Suits. I mean Lesson 4.) You'll be disappointed to
hear what He said.
Me: Jeeeeesus! Jeeeeeeesus!
Jesus: Allright already, I hear you.
Me: Praise be! Praaaaaaaaaze be!
Jesus: Out with it. I've got a zillion calls on hold.
Me: Sorry. It's my first time.
Jesus: Kid, your ears plugged? I'm busy as hell.
Me: Pardon me.
Jesus: Well, let's see what you do over the next 30 years,
and I'll think about it.
Me: No, I mean, Lord, I've got a question.
Jesus: You came to the right place, me bucko.
Me: Lord, in your divine wisdom, I beg of You an answer.
Jesus: Whaddya want?
Me: I wand to know...Is it true that You have blessed AOL?
Jesus: Bwahahahaha!
Me: Lord?
Jesus: Bwahahahaha!
Me: I don't unders--
Jesus: (in background) Hey, St. Peter! Pick up line
one. Got a live one here!
Me: I knew it wasn't true. Fuck all!
Jesus: Ok, that's a demerit right there, kid. Watch yer
tongue or I might just set it on fire. Then
I'll take yer wife and turn her into a pillar of salt.
Then I'll send a plague of locusts followed by a
million posts from former AOL censor Adam
Bailey to your favorite newsgroup.
Me: No! Please! I'm sorry!
Jesus: Hey, forget it. I was just razzing ya.
Me: So, the AOL thing -- there's no special compensation
from your office, right?
Jesus: Nope.
Me: Then can you tell me how AOL manages to keep
afloat despite all its screw-ups?
Jesus: Look. I don't run the only protection racket in
the cosmos, you know. The guy you want to talk
to is in the other place.
Me: You mean....
Jesus: Mr. Pointy Head. The Bad Ass with a Pitchfork. The
Dark Dude. The Crispy One. Or, as we like to call
him around here...SaTaNuS MaXiMuS.
Me: No!
Jesus: 'Fraid so, kid. AOL is in hock to the Horny Itemizer
like you wouldn't believe.
Me: For what, souls?
Jesus: Souls, stock -- other convertible assets.
Me: Everyone, or just the top brass?
Jesus: Ah, it's a long list. I'll tell ya right now -- Case, Leonsis,
Pittman, they're all going to hell. Most of the middle
managers, same thing -- hell. The Guides, the Remote
Staff, I haven't decided. Some hell, some purgatory.
Me: There's really a purgatory?
Jesus: Obviously you haven't tried signing onto AOL lately.
Me: Lord, one last thing. Am I going to heaven?
Jesus: Sure, whatever, baby.
After receiving these startling revelations, I tried to confirm the most
shocking of them all with the CEO of Hell himself, Lucifer. For this task,
I followed the e-z instructions in AOL's Terms of Service: I constructed a
pentagram out of AOL bisks, sacrificed a goat in the center, and then read
the latest Community Update from Steve Case aloud and backwards. Presto!
I was instantly in communication with a demon.
Me: Where's the Devil?
Demon: The Devil has gone home for the day. I can help you, sir.
Me: Is it true that you guys have a sweet deal with AOL?
Demon: Absolutely true. They're some of our best customers.
Me: Are they all going to hell then?
Demon: One day, certainly.
Me: What if Steve Case changed his mind?
Demon: I wouldn't worry about that, sir. He's fucked.
So, Mrs. Leach, I think these Holy and Infernal chats are pretty
conclusive. There's no time for you to lose. AOL is party to a pact that
leads to eternal damnation, and if you have any sense you'll move your
"Christian Womens League" off of it pronto before you're all swallowed up
by a flaming pit and used by demons for unsafe sex for the rest of
eternity. Get on the Information SuperHolyHighway, dear lady of God, if
you have any hope of dying a virgin!
Richard Cretan
. . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . .
Exploiting Buildings. You think rdist is the only thing out there to hack?
Ok, we *all* know that diners are a staple of American society. Think
about it. People of all classes and nationalities around the U.S. go to
diners to eat, socialize, get drunk, and even to work there. If the
diners of the United States went out of business, where would there be a
cheap but filling place to go to breakfast/lunch/dinner/for a snack, that
wasn't sleazy like normal fast food joints? America would COLLAPSE.
It is this 'foundation' that this article will attempt to teach you
about, and how to use them in a manner that would benefit yourself and
your friends.
---FREE FOOD AND CASH---
This is the almost too obvious part of exploiting diners today. By going
into a diner and ordering something trivial, like a coke, an unlimited
supply of food is available. How, you ask? It's simple.
What you will need is a large coat (a trenchcoat will do), and a lot of
plastic bags. These can be either Ziploc or a larger kind. Now, find a
diner that either has a buffet or a salad bar. Just fill the friggin bags
up when nobody is looking. Real simple. Easy. Fast. And the quality of
food is generally higher in diners than, say, Mickey D's. This trick can
provide you with food for days on end, if planned an executed carefully.
You will also notice during your visits to the diner that many stupid
people leave money on the table and leave. We're not quite sure WHY they
do this, or HOW this practice even started. (KuNT theorizes that it is a
modern-day form of a sacrifice to a pagan god or goddess, in an effort
for the person or persons leaving the cash to do better at work, at home,
or somewhere in their lives. A white paper detailing this research will
be available shortly.) We do not care about incurring the wrath of any
deities; everyone knows there ain't no such thing as GOD. Pshaw. Like
that would ever happen. You think there would be war, famine, disease,
hatred, pr0n, and all that other cool stuff if there was GOD? I didn't
THINK so. Sorry, got off the topic. Anyway, just take the cash, and be
happy that you are slightly richer.
---DINERS AS REVOLUTIONARY MEETING PLACES---
Diners are not usually thought of as a place for the disgruntled of
today to meet. But they are perfect. Nobody cares about a bunch of people
chatting in the corner, apparently having a good time. However, the usual
tactic of just going into a public place, such as a park, with
sunglasses, fake noses, and the like, just isn't as inconspicious as it
used to be. But diners are indeed great places to go. Take, for instance,
the ability to switch on the 'jukebox' by your table in an attempt to
prevent others from hearing your conversations. It's almost as good as a
room with walls 10 feet thick that has been checked for wiretaps and
bugs. Well, almost. Fuck off. The ability to purchase food and plan
revolutionary actions for hours without drawing attention to yourself is
simply outstanding.
In a pinch, a diner packed with the dinner crowd can work wonders as a
negotiation pawn. The many hostages can be a plus while negotiating for
your fellow political prisoner brothers and sisters inside the prison
system. Considering that Al Sharpton himself is known to frequent a diner
near this author's house, it can be definitely said that hostage taking
would be a definite plus to any revolutionary group.
---DINERS ARE FUN!---
The kids bored today? Been to Disneyland ONE too many times? Look NO
further than your local diner! There is much fun to be had, and it is of
such low maturity that kids will simply LOVE it. Fun activities that can
be planned for the family during the day trip to the diner include:
o FOOD FIGHT! -- This takes many different forms. The first thing to do
is to GRAB SOME FOOD. Order it. Get a salad. Get those
bottles of ketchup and packets of sugar. Grab it all!
Then, as a coordinated move, all members of the family
should turn around and plop whatever they have on a random
person near them. (NOTE: the target can be a family
member, but it doesn't have to be.) Continue throwing food
until you have the whole diner embroiled in war. Sit back,
and laugh. A lot.
o THE REGISTER -- Run to the register. Open it. Don't worry if there are
people watching you, or at the register, or even using
the register. Just take the fucken cash. If people try
to stop you, throw those little after-dinner mints at
them. Or the candy behind the counter. Hell, if you just
want to have fun, throw the goddam money at them!
o THE SOUND OF MUSIC -- This requires research. You will need to find the
main stereo system for the diner. (The one that all
the 'jukeboxes' at the tables control.) Find out
what format music that it takes, and bring music on
that format to the diner. The trick is, bring music
that is generally annoying to most people. This
includes such popular bands as NIN, Marilyn Manson,
and the groups that sing the songs that go 'THE
ROOF, THE ROOF, THE ROOF IS ON FIRE' and 'HE'S
GOING THE DISTANCE! HE'S GOING FOR SPEED!'. Those
songs suck and are annoying. So play them. a lot.
o RIIIIDE THE FERRIS WHEEL! -- This works best after a food fight. (See
above for details.) When the floor is so
sticky, gooey, slimy, and slippery, just
slide around on it. Do it on your ass,
on your side, even on your head. Pull
people that dressed up in decent clothing
in with you, too! They'll be happy you
showed them the delights of the diner!
In conclusion, diners RONK. You can do so many things in them. Feel free
to send KuNT your ideas and experiences concerning how you have fun in
diners, as well. Maybe we'll get them in an upcoming issue. As some corny
guy in some corny western movie once said:
"I'll make ya famous."
HTH. FOAD. HAND.
. . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . .
Book: System Adminstrator's Manual
Section: Chapter 23 -- I Have Just Been Hacked, What Do I Do Now?
Authors: Horowanks et al
Publisher: Protoscum Corporation
Characteristics: Cover features an ostrich sticking its head into the sand
Common Names: The Ostrich Book
Abstract:
This chapter is typical of the entire book. It gives excellent advice to
system administrators who are forced to deal with the problem of an unwanted
hacker intrusion. The narrative style is unique, at times told like a story,
at times a dialogue, at times an instruction manual, yet always good advice.
This book is useful to all sysadmins, be they seasoned UNIX console jockeys
or newly-established Linux admins. The problems are pressing in the current
cyber-society.
Excerpts:
Shit! Sound the alarm! Batten down the hatches! We've been HACKASAURED!!!
"How do you know?"
"Well, someone changed our file, uhm, the, uh, file, that...uhm...they show
when someone, uh...logs in?"
"The message of the day file?"
"By God, you're right, Richard!"
"Well let's have a look at it, shall we?"
Richard begins typing at the console, which is in single user mode for
system maintenance:
# cat /etc/motd
_____ KuNT
/ o \ EwE HaZ BeeN KuNT
GRRRRR - | v^v^v HaQaSaUrEd KuNT
\ _/ By D4 d00dz 4t KuNT
, | |___, KuNT
| / |---, KUNT INDUSTRIEZ, LIMITED KuNT
\\_/ / KuNT
\_/|||| HaVe A KuNT
|||| FuQeD Up KuNT
|_|_> Day, PhAg! KuNT
#
"Jumpin' Jehosaphat! We HAVE been hackasaured! You, uh, go home, get some
sleep, I'll take care of this."
Richard sidles into the saddle. The warmth of the console operator's chair,
an honor reserved only for him! Like Kirk with his captain's chair, no one
else had this opportunity. And now someone dare tresspass onto his system?
Never! He will find the miscreant!
# w
8:16PM up 1:15, 1 user, load averages: 0.05, 0.03, 0.00
USER TTY FROM LOGIN@ IDLE WHAT
root co console 7:01PM 0 w
"Jesus Christ."
In this stunned moment, a small, yet putrid fart escapes from within Richard's
bowels. He looks around sheepishly for a moment, then realizes he is alone.
He smiles contentedly.
"It's my chair, IT DOESN'T MATTER! I FART WHERE I WANT! Oh yeah, what was I
doing? OH JEEZ, THE HACKERS!"
# REM okay, gotta catch the hackerz now
REM: not found
"Damn. Well, I need some kind of temporary account so I can see if I can
hack into the system, and figure out how they did it."
# cd /home; mkdir "Bob's home directory"
# echo "Bob Simon:gandalf:0:0::/dev/tty:compress -f" > /etc/passwd
"There we go! I better remember not to bill myself for this account!"
[Rest of book unreadable due to unidentifiable brown stains.]
. . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . .
SATANUS MAXIMUS'S ROMEO AND KUNTLIET
Two sitez, both alike in dignity,
In fair ARPANET where we lay our scene,
From ancient grude break to new mutiny,
Where KouRieR blood makes KouRieR hands unclean.
From forth the fatal bandwidth of these two foes,
A pair of narc'd on KouRieRZ pay the price;
Whose misadventured piteous o'erthrows
Doth with their death chill their heels on ice.
The fearful passage of their fed-watched trades,
And the continuance of J. Edgar's watching eye,
Which, but their sentencing come, draw the shades,
Is now sent away in prep to die.
The which if you with patient ears attend,
What here shall miss, KuNT shall strive to mend.
[Now imagine lotsa warez. I mean a lot of warez. I mean a motherlode of
warez. I mean a dog-chokin motherlode. I mean a motherlode bigger than
Kim Gordon's veins. See? It was a lot of fucking warez. But you're not
elite enough for our warez. Our warez are 0-day. You aren't. Fuck you.]
. . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . .
(Warning to our readers. This man has intense problems.)
<Kelani> F1usH Y0uR d0G W1tH 4 sH0tGuN 4Nd Y311 s3c4us3 1t H3RtZ R341
+ G00d!!!!!!!
(You can get beer now.)
. . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . .
KuNT H4qZ D4 STup1D b0wL!
At this time, the members of KuNT would like to claim responsibilty for
rigging the recent NFL championship, also known as the Super Bowl. It is
our intention to continue towards our goal of screwing things up and
laughing while we watch the chaos, and so we would also at this time like
to announce plans to rig the Stanley Cup Playoffs, the World Series, and
the voting process for the Undernet IRC Network's Routing Committee.
Watch for more developments in the future.
But anyhow, yeah, we fucked the Super Bowl up good. You didn't even
notice, eh? That was the plan all along. See, we believe that if we can
screw with things royally, and end up having everyone else believe that
it was meant to be that way.. well.. it's just better. Trust us. By the
way, you're all a bunch of stupid shits. Just because we felt like saying so.
Did you REALLY believe that Green Bay was supposed to win? By themselves?
WITHOUT THE HELP OF KuNT?! Yeah, suuuuure they would have. We would like
to reveal, at this time, that a representative from the football
organization known as the Green Bay Packers approached KuNT on or about
December 23rd, 1996. Their represenative, who shall be known as Damien
Finkleberry Hopkins III (hey, that's what HE called himself, ok?), told
us that Green Bay had already made deals on the side with many other
teams in the NFL, in the interest of getting to and winning the Super
Bowl. But they needed help from those wacky masters of social disorder
and KuNT!
They had mathematically calculated on their state of the art IBM PCjr
that Green Bay, would in fact, be pitted against the New England Patriots
in the upcoming championship. The problem was, the Patriots were
protected by a number of things that allowed them to see through the
lies, greed, and ambition of the Packers. These protective items and
attributes were identified by KuNT to be: a half eaten Nestle's Crunch
bar named Figaro, a model truck molded from clay with the letters
'PENISTRUCK' on the side, a rubber high-bouncing bouncy ball (the kind
found in vending machines at supermarkets), 37 cents in assorted change,
and one very grainy copy of the movie 'The Muppets Take Manhattan'. It is
still uncertain, even to the geniuses of KuNT, how these items managed to
make negotiations between the two teams difficult. (Rest assured that we
are actively working on the problem, and will report on it as soon as we
find out whether or not Agent Sculley will get naked in an upcoming porn
movie, The XXX-Files.)
KuNT was paid a reasonable fee for services required of us. This fee
amounted to 15 cents for each member of KuNT, and 3 bottles of Barq's
Root Beer. All of us sat around and wondered, "So, how the hell are we
going to do this?" We decided that the best solution would be to go into
the Patriot's locker room before the big game and kill them all with a
few guns and lots of bad jokes. This seemed like a decent plan, so on a
cold January day, we all sprouted wings and flew over to the Patriot's
locker room. On the way, however, we managed to drop our guns and forget
most of our bad jokes, so we ended up standing around and watching the
first quarter of the game. (Incidentially, we did purchase a few hot dogs
and stuff like that. Flying takes a lot out of you, y'see. We were
starved.) After a few minutes, however, we remembered that we kind of had
a job to do. Sort of. Yeah, actually, we did. Anyway, we knew we had to
come up with something fast. Something brilliant. And so we trotted down
to the local hardware store and bought a few containers of oil. Upon
returning to the stadium, it was almost half time, and we had to work
fast. Well, to make a long story short, we sprayed the locker room floor
with copious amounts of oil.
And then we waited. And waited. And waited a bit more. A few screams and
groans were heard from the locker room, so we went to check it out. And,
to our COMPLETE surprise, every member of the New England Patriots was on
the floor, moaning in pain and confusion. We were kind of at a loss at
that point, because now that we had quite a few large, strong, and
menacing men lying on the ground, we didnt know what the fuck to do with
them. It was decided at that point in time that we would have to do
something we had never tried on so many people in one small room with
only a short bit of time to do it in.
We did the TOP-SECRET KuNT MIND CONTROL AND HYPNOSIS TRICK.
For those that may not understand what that may mean, it is a complicated
process shrouded in mystery, even to certain members of KuNT. (Except the
Supreme High Commanders and the Chinese Food Delivery Boy, of course.) We
won't tell you how we did it. We'll just tell you that we DID do it. And
you'll just have to believe us. (Ok ok ok, it involves many packs of Oreo
cookies, whipped cream, whips, a half-dozen wrought-iron Punisher(tm)
Dildos with Shock Enhancements and Added Spikes, a copy of the album
'Twelve Inches of Snow' by Snow, and some secret techniques only KuNT
knows about. There you go. Try figuring it out by practicing on your
friends, relatives, enemies, pets, co-workers, and even Art Stone. But we
have the feeling that Art actually likes the bit with the shocking
dildos. So your results may vary.)
We wormed our way into each player's subconscious mind, and told them
that they were going to lose. No matter how hard they tried. It was
impossible. Because they sucked. And if they did manage to win, we made
it excrutiatingly clear that we WOULD trigger the dumb but powerful KuNT
SEKRET WEPHUN and destroy the entire planet. (Hey, what do we care about
this stupid place? KuNT has a fucking spaceship. We fucking fly around in
it. IN SPACE. HUNTING DOWN STRANGE AND NEW LIFEFORMS. TO BOLDLY GO WHERE
NOBODY HAS GONE BEFORE, AND WE AREN'T TALKING ABOUT SOME VIRGIN'S TIGHT
LITTLE YOU-KNOW-WHAT. Well, maybe we are. Just listen to the damn story,
ok? Fucking insolent bastards.)
The team went back out onto the field. And lost. We smiled silently as
the victory celebrations went on, and left unnoticed by anyone. We had
done our job. And we did it well. So well, in fact, that we took the
spare items that we used in mindcontrolling the team and went down to
Hooters. And mindcontrolled a few chicks. For a night of fun. Woo.
Some questions that you may want answers to may include, 'Just what is
the KuNT SEKRET WEPHUN?', and also the ever popular, 'But don't those
people you mind-controlled remember that you did so, and so why didn't
they go to the cops?'
Well, we'll TELL YOU.
The KuNT SEKRET WEPHUN is, in fact, lying dormant in a person somewhere
on earth at this moment. It waits for the command given by us, and when
it receives this command, it will strike terror into the hearts of
humans. And probably kill a lot of people, but we don't really care. So
that's the SEKRET WEPHUN. Hope you're happy, now that you know.
And, no, the people we mind-control never remember. Even under hypnosis
or whatever the fuck they do these days. They believe that they were
acting under their own accord. And that's all they will ever know.
Some people may discount this statement, concerning our admission to
rigging the Super Bowl. But that's ok. We wouldn't do it if it wasn't for
stupid schmucks like you that cannot possibly realize how much smarter we
are than all of you. I mean, we're so smart, we named ourselves the best
goddam name for a terrorist group/organization there is. KuNT. Yeah.
That's why we're smart. Really.
That's it. Go the fuck away. We're off to blow up the Eiffel Tower or
something. The French are so rude to everyone, so we are going to teach
them a lesson and make them do that french laugh all the guys do over
there. It goes 'HOH HOH HOH' really nasally. But you knew what we were
talking about. So anyhow go away. Bye.
. . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . .
KuNT PR3Z3NTZ:
H0w T0 H4x0r StUFf W1th0ut 4 K0mpUt0r!@@#$@$#$
ok this is how you are supposed to really hack because only lame people
actually need to use computers to break into another computer
what you have to do is this
you need to get to the computer you want to hack -- this is the easy part
then you need to take the hard drive out and stuff from the inside of the
computer
once you have the hard drive out you need to open it up so you can see the
little disks inside. they are cute eh? i like them because they look all
pretty and stuff
ok now you need to take your finger and almost touch the disk and you have
to feel for the magnetic thing that the computer puts on the disks so it
stores the data and stuff like that
once you can feel the magnetic of the disk you can read what is on the disk
-- it is lots of fun -- once you get really advanced at this you can run
your finger over a place on the disk where a pr0no picture is and you can
SEE IT IN YOUR MIND it is a lot of fun and impresses the chicks and you can
even do it if you are in high school and want to pass the time in a boring
class -- just whip out the disk and look at pr0n
once you are done just put the disk back inside the computer and it will be
ok.
also you can do this with cd roms because they have little bumps and stuff
on the cd -- you just need to look really hard and you will see lots of
little bumps and holes and stuff.. just try to figure it out and decode it
in your mind because it is harder than just feeling a magnet on a hard drive
when you get really good at this kind of thing you can start training to
write to a disk and record data there. first thing you need to do however is
train your finger (or whatever you want to write with, like your nose or ear
or penis or clit if you are a hacker chick) to be able to give off magnetic
fields -- the way i did this is i took a magnet and ran it over my finger a
lot -- like for about a year. and then i was soon able to pick stuff up with
my finger, like i would walk down the street and cars would pass me, and
sometimes they are assholes and almost run me over so i wiggle my finger at
them and their car goes all weird and gets into an accident because i used
my finger to magnetically move the car. it is fun. it is almost like magic.
man that is deep so anyhow once you can do that you dont need to do dumb
or stupid things like write stuff down because you can record it on spoons,
keys or something, like a spoon. you will never not have a thing to write
in/on because there is so much metal stuff around and it is easy to find.
later on when you are really cool you will want to try to plug yourself into
a network of computers -- this is very hard and not many people can actually
do it. what you need to do is find a place where you can stick part of your
body into a network. like your finger. but not the same finger that you can
do magnetic stuff with because it is silly. and because i say so. you will
need to do this for a long time so you can interpret the data coming in
through the place where you are plugged into the network. it can get tricky
at times because it all happens so fast. but thats ok because you are elite,
right? and everyone that is elite can do cool things like pirate k-rad warez
and hack the planet like they did in that really cool movie called.. fuck i
dont remember what it was called i think it was 'Slacker' or something..
remember they went and hacked a gibson (i have a gibson in my room) and went
to new york city and hacked some grand train station? and there was
something about oil ships and this guy named joey that was really lame. i
thought it was funny and true because all hackers are like that. really. we
are all cool with cool names like ZeroCool and AcidBurn and even Da Chronic
or Puck (that is very original because nobody likes The Real World except
for real hackers like Puck because they are elite) or Optik (because a lot
of people want to be like Phiber Optik too) but this is kind of off the
topic because i was supposed to tell you how to hack without a computer.
ok so you have your finger in this network hub or transciever or maybe you
are even just biting on one end of a cable that is plugged in somewhere
important. you need to put a battery in your ear so you can make electricity
(or you can brush your hair and get a lot of static because it is fun i like
hair that sticks up all over the place because i look like a real hacker) so
anyhow you make electrical pulse a lot and you can fool the computers into
thinking you are a computer and they will be your friends. so then you ask
them something like 'hey can i look around on you for a little bit because
i have never seen anything as powerful or advanced as you' and they will
always fall for the trick because they like their egos to be fed a lot and
it makes them happy. so then you are on the computer. you have hacked it.
and if you are nice the computer will give you something called root. but i
havent figured out what root is yet. i will report on that in another
article because i think everyone should be as elite as i am because i know
a lot of secrets that nobody else knows.
oh yeah if you want to be able to hack without a computer you need to fool
the other computers into thinking you are one, like i said. so you need to
find stuff to wear that makes you look like a computer. make a big tower
case out of a cardboard box and wear it around. put something like 'packard
bell' on the outside and keep saying stuff like 'INTEL INSIDE' and 'PLUG AND
PLAY' and 'WINDOWS 95 COMPATIBLE' because computers like that kind of thing.
also buy lots of random cables at the store and wear them like necklaces
because they make other people stop to look at you and say 'wow he is a
hacker!'
ok that is the end of my exciting article i will write more later because
now i have to go into the kitchen and hack my toaster and make it make me a
Toaster Strudel from Pillsbury. they taste really good and all real hackers
eat them. all real hackers also drink buttermilk. i know because i am a real
hacker. well anyway i will talk to you later. bye and remember to hack the
planet, a lot
. . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . .
KuNT may contain any or all of the following:
Enriched flour (wheat flour, niacin, reduced iron, thiamine mononitrate, and
riboflavin), corn syrup, salt, yeast, malt extract, sodium bicarbonate,
ammonium bicarbonature, and artificial flavor. And bacon.
. . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . .
KuNT -- ScArEd????????
Yes, you heard it right. KuNT is afraid of something. Yes, even the most
elite hackers in the world occasionally get scared. Well, rarely. Really
almost never. I mean, it just doesn't happen a lot. Hell, I think this is
the first time. But that's besides the point.
There's a new eliteness in town. So elite it rivals even KuNT's power. It
even brings with it a prophet foretelling of its power. Observe:
--BEGIN HORRIBLE VISIONS OF THE FUTURE--
Subject: highbloc is the new bad ass internet terror!!!
From: "Cathie Franks" <cfranks1@airmail.net>
Date: 1996/09/22
Message-Id: <01bba80d$65284600$c74db2cc@internetamerica.airmail.net>
Organization: INTERNET AMERICA
Newsgroups: alt.aol-Sucks
highbloc is the new bad ass internet terror!!! highbloc is the new bad
ass internet terror!!! highbloc is the new bad ass internet terror!!!
highbloc is the new bad ass internet terror!!! highbloc is the new bad
ass internet terror!!! highbloc is the new bad ass internet terror!!!
--END HORRIBLE VISIONS OF THE FUTURE--
One can easily see why KuNT would choose to be wary of this mighty force
known only as 'highbloc'. But can the words of this so-called 'Cathie
Franks' really be true? We were skeptical, so we sent super-secret field
officer TrainRek into the field to witness the awesome power for himself.
Here are the frightening results:
<trainrek> 220 new.internet.terror.com
<trainrek> helo terror.verifier.com
<trainrek> 250 new.internet.terror.com pleased to meet your ass
<trainrek> vrfy hiblock
<trainrek> 250 hiblock
<trainrek> proof positive that hiblock *is* the new Internet
terror
<trainrek> quit
<trainrek> 221 new.internet.terror.com kicked your ass
So there you have it. Could the glorious days of KuNT soon be over? Fat
fucking chance. But even KuNT must recognize...highbloc *is* the new bad
ass internet terror.
You have been warned.
. . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . .
Like, okay...
...see, I was, like surfing...
...on that Internetscape thing...
...when all of a sudden, the severed head of former president Billy
J. Portnar, like, totally came up from behind a mondo wave and
smacked me in the ass...
...it was, like, at this time that I decided "y'know, I'm so totally
sick of being a faggot." So I decided to do something about it...
...I went to the mall. They had a cool store there. I can't put my
finger on what made it so cool, but it smelled like incense in
there, and the cashier had a pierced septum.
Anyway...
....I saw a shirt there, stained all sorts of bright pretty colors.
The tag identified it as a "tie-dye". I think I saw these somewhere
before, so I decided to buy one.
Then I got this cool Jerry Garcia bumper sticker. I think he's like
the King of Mexico or something.
After picking up the latest issue of High Times, I went home
and decided to be cool. This Internet thing has like a chat
room where you can talk to Gavin, so I signed on to the
Netscape.
Soon enough, I was on Xworld, which I figured was about eXtacy,
which is a cool raver drug so I thought it'd be cool.
All of a sudden, some fellow net surfer invited me to something
called #pot.
I had never heard of *this* before. There were all sorts of cool
people there; so cool, in fact, that none of them could legally vote
or even put a sentence together.
Eventually I got bored and went to #nethack, where I talked to
someone named bskin.
And said "bskin, this is going absolutely nowhere, and I just
remembered that thing that we had in a text file, the
drug-commercial thing; why don't we do that instead of this
pointless babbling because i'm busy and uninspired at the moment"?
The End.
THIS PIECE BEARS ABSOLUTELY NO RESEMBLANCE TO THE MAKING OF KuNT 3
HONEST.
. . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . .
And now for a brief moment of culture.
i'll bet you think your really cool...i'll bet your some 12 year old
punk with 'internet for dummies' staring you in the face so you can
piss marina sirtis fans like me off...well you messed with the wrong
guy this time...i'm comin' after you dead boy.
We now return you to our regularly scheduled vulgarity.
. . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . .
okat whooosh aaaaaaaaaaahgeel altittle sick can ya stand up i do believe it s
working good come on it time to fo thre is no pein tou are receeeding a
diasrtant shops smoke on the hoiinon wyou are only coming through in wagw yr
lips move but i cant hear ehat ter saying when i was a child i had a flfeting
hlimpse out of th econr er of myt ete i like pink floys im. whoosh.nu,nb. 12
dollars. iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii have becmoe comfortanly numv doo doo
doo dum DUM DUM doooh dpwawawaawawwaacant type with pionimly heee i like this
its good, not a uite as good as some other thing have, benee, but ohw elle.
gterree association without looking at the screen now.
waves sharks waves sharks wabes dhsakrs with the guitat solo
ocolors
ainbow, horizonta, looking at sceeen
etes ccloesrs, not suer exactly if i'm thinkin aloud orr not i know mu
mouth isnt moving but oh well. perhaps i can use this inmu film. mperhaps not.
oh well. life sucks get a bitch andf a helmet and amke toue bitch ear a
helmet an abring you a beer because the show must go on.
take me home
there must be some smitakw
i can act notmal. i am normal. i am totally normal. there is absolutely
nothing whatsoever wrong hrtr. hmm. hee/ foo. sleep.
no no no sleep this is an experiemtn because iexperiment isfun and lets see
whar the is singing now, but that no, that backgroumd music noise basis
locale.hm
music off fro freeodom,jim cogg adn scare..
bed skeeo.
. . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . . X . . . - - - . . .
KuNT. The World's Most Popular Internet Online Service.
