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M00se Droppings Issue 08
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
M00SE ILLUMINATI
Issue #8 | Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Aug. 19, 1988
---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
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************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ***************************
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THAT'S better. I received a few submissions this week, finally,
and we have a good issue (in my humble opinion as editor). Still waiting
on Sabre's contribution (hint-hint, Sabre!) but since his is extremely m00sey
and dangerous to the world's sanity, it's going to be worth the wait.
However, we must not slack off. Keep the contributions coming, so the
weirdness may continue. Remember, the fall semester is approaching fast,
and I am expecting and hoping that the number of BITNET chapters will explode
into hugeness. We want to welcome them with quality confusion.
Only two new chapters this time, they're listed below. Welcome to the
conspiracy!
And so, on with the issue....
-Pickle.
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS *******************************
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Nothing really, here, but Half-Elf has requested that I make a note
in this issue in reference to Camp Relay II. She claims (I take no sides,
I'm the impartial editor) that it was proven that half-elves are faster
than kamikazes, since the was able to tag him from behind during the football
game. I, for one, can assure all m00ses that half-elves are much harder
than they look, and one should be careful when running into them, if one
wants to move during the following three days without one's muscles screaming.
-Pickle.
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY ******************************
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I was preparing this issue when I got an urgent note from Wolverine, saying
(in effect): "Hold the presses!" (I've always wanted to say that.) I
did, and it was well worth it.......
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Author's Note: The following story doesn't really have anything to do with &
The M00se Illuminati. Although the main characters ARE members of the &
M00se Illuminati, the group they form is NOT sponsored by the Illuminati.... &
&
Or *IS* it? &
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
Four seemingly normal men walk through the path that takes them to
Fall Creek, where they plan to spend the day swimming and relaxing. Unknown
to them, strange toxic chemicals have been recently dumped in the area. When
they dive in, the chemicals interact with their genetic DNA, forming a chain
reaction through their systems. They become.........
THE LARGE MANLY MEN IN WET CLOTHING
=== ===== ===== === == === ========
It was a peacful day at Fall Creek. The sky was crystal blue, the trees
a lush green, the water clear as glass. Suddenly, the stillness was broken
by a booming voice.
"KOW - A - BUUNNGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" the voice boomed as a truly large
manly body leapt into the air, curled into a ball of taut muscle and sinew,
and landed in the water with a thunderous crash. Water spewed forty feet
in the air. Sabre swam sputtering back to the surface, huge, bulking muscles
propelling him through the water at amazing speed.
Wolverine treaded water easily and applauded. "A truly manly cannonball,
Sabre!"
"A truly manly compliment, oh Wolverine," Sabre said, bowing his head.
"What a fine manly day it is!"
"Makes one glad to be a manly man," said Guardian Angel.
"A Large Manly Man in Wet Clothing," corrected Alacrity.
"Ah, yes. How stupid of me to foget!" said Guardian Angel.
"Anyway, 'twas a fine cannonball indeed Sabre!" G.A. said.
"Magnificent! Stupendous! Hhmm, what does our moll Dusk think of it?"
Alacrity asked.
Off to the side, sitting on a rock shelf was Dusk, trying her best to
look inconspicuous. 'I don't know these people...I never heard of these
people...I have no idea WHO they are,' she thought. Sighing, she thought,
'Why did I get stuck with them? I don't want to be their "moll"! Ever since
those toxic chemicals had been dumped in here that day, they've been acting
like this. This manly man stuff is driving me batty!'
"Well Dusk, what did you think?" Wolverine asked.
"It was, uh, very manly Sabre," she said.
"Why thank you Dusk! What a womanly thing for you to say!"
Just then, their attention was distracted by a small slide of loose
rocks. As the Large Manly Men in Wet Clothing looked up, they saw three
women in lavishly-done hairstyles, lead by a thin, scuzzy looking man.
The women were being careful to stay out of the spray of the falls, so as
not to wet their hair.
Wolverine gasped. "Good Lord! The Nefarious Hair Girls!"
"And their leader, The Scum Puppy!" Alacrity answered.
"They must have been sent by the Brotherhood of Evil Relayers." Sabre said.
"Shall we attack?" asked G.A.
"Maybe they're here to just swim," offered Dusk.
"Hah! Not the Nefarious Hair Girls!" said Wolverine. "They would NEVER
risk getting their hair wet! They must be planning something."
Just then, The Scum Puppy yelled out, "We know you are here, Large Manly
Men in Wet Clothing! Come out and face us!"
"They have affronted our manly pride and egos." said Sabre. "Manly men,
ATTACK!"
The large manly men leaped forward, hurling massive rocks and tree trunks
at the Hair Girls. As the storm of rocks and trees flew towards them, one
of the Hair Girls, Muffy, pulled out a large can of Super Strength Hair Spray
and sprayed it toward the incoming weaponry. The spray immediately caught
the flying debris, and it dropped into the water in a sticky mass.
"GOOD LORD!" exclaimed G.A.
"Quickly," boomed Wolverine, "assume crouch positions!"
The four manly men crouched down in the water, preparing to spring forward
and pummel their adversaries. As they did, the other two Hair Girls, Babs and
Jennie-Jen, pulled out the world's largest hair dryer, turned the air-speed
to high, aimed it at the Large Manly Men, and turned the switch to on.
Instantly, a large gust of wind swept the Large Manly Men out of the water and
pinned them against the opposite cliff wall.
"Oh No!" yelled Sabre, trying to make his voice heard above the wind.
"Our...our clothes are drying! We'll weaken if our clothes dry!"
"What shall we do!" yelled G.A.
"We'll be helpless at the hands of the Hair Girls! They may give us
fashionable hair cuts!"
"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed Wolverine in agony at
the thought of having a yuppie hairstyle.
Suddenly, Dusk had a thought. "Guys! Form a wall! Maybe that will
bounce the air back towards them!"
"That's it!" cried Wolverine. "Quickly! While we still have some of
our manly strength. Crowd together and we will form a wall with our broad,
muscular, manly chests! That should deflect this evil wind!"
Fighting with an effort beyond that of ordinary men, the Large Manly Men
crowded together, forming a wall with their massive pectoral muscles. The wind
from the hair dryer from Hell bounced off them, whipping back toward the
Hair Girls. As it struck, it ruined their hairstyles, knocking their hair down
into hanging, tattered messes. The immediately dropped the hair dryer and
whined in great agony!
"Oh no!" cried Babs. "My hair's absolutely horrid! *SOB*"
"Now I'll have to get it done again, and that's the third time this
MORNING!" whined Muffy.
"Guys!" yelled Dusk. "The Scum Puppy is getting away!"
"Everyone into the water!" yelled G.A.
As one, the four Large Manly Men cannonballed into the water, causing a
veritable tital wave to rise from the water, grabbing The Scum Puppy and
pulling him into the water. Acting quickly, the Large Manly Men tore the
gold chains from the necks of the Hair Girls and shackled them and The Scum
Puppy.
"A job well done, oh fellow Manly Men!" exclaimed Alacrity.
"Truly a Manly Act!" said G.A.
"And credit to our moll, Dusk, for her part!" voiced Wolverine.
"Yeah, uh, thanks guys...can we get out of here now?" asked Dusk.
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Author's Note: The author refuses to take responsibility for this story,
as he claims to have been controlled by Demons during the writing of said story.
By: Wolverine
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*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE ****************************
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May I Be Excused?
--- - -- --------
The graduate School of Education at Northern Illinois Universirt,
DeKalb, Illinois, recently collected excuses for absence turned in by students
around the state. A number of these are listed below; the spelling is exactly
as it appeared on the notes:
Dear School: Pleaes eckuse John for been absent January 28, 29, 30, 32,
and 33.
Chris has a acre on his side.
Mary could not come to school because she was bothered by very close veins.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
I kepe Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I didn't
know what size she wear.
Please excuse Gloria. She has been sick and under the doctor.
My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. Pleae execute
him.
Lillie was absent from school yesterday and she had a going over.
Please excuse Joey Friday. He had loose vowels.
Please excuse Blanch from Jim today. She is adminstrating.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the
weekend with the marines.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
Please excuse Dianna from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.
Mary Ann was absent December 11-15 because she had a fever, sore throat,
headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever, sore throat,
her brother had a low grade fever and acked all over. I wasn't the best
either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around -
her father even got hot last night.
Bl00p!
Rich
===============
I have one to add that I am not making up. When my mother was in grade
school in Gouverneur, a backwater town in upstate NY, there was a young
boy a couple years younger than her who everybody called 'Stinky'. That
was his normal nickname, not an insult. Anyway, one day he had to stay
home from school, as he had a nasty case of diarrhea (sp?). The next day
his mother sent him to school with a note that said: "Stinky wasn't in
school yesterday because he had the shits."
-Pickle.
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Recently someone came up with the idea of using "m00se" as a verb,
meaning to join the M00se Illuminati. I have done a bit of thought and
come up with some other words that every m00se should know.
m00se (v) - 1. to join the M00se Illuminati, 2. to act in a bizzarre manner,
(n) - a member of the M00se Illuminati
m00sey (adj) - bizarre, and attention-getting
thr0ng (n) - a group of m00ses
(v) - the act of grouping
thr0ng-a-thon (n) - a gathering of more than one thr0ng and involving at
least three m00ses. A gathering of two m00ses is commonly
known as a date.
I hope that's cleared up some points of confusion and created some
new ones. Bl00p!!
Joe Claffey
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Note: A m00se dictionary might be useful. If anybody comes up with more
m00se terms, send them here and I'll add them in.
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE **************
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Add to the list:
Connecticut State U thr0ng CRAMER @ CTSTATEU Scopus
UConn chapter WALLFESH @ UCONNVM Sande
