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Peter Funk Press Vol 4
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| Vol 4 ********* Gratis |
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BARNEY DOES BREAKFAST AND CHARGED WITH MURDER
Washington (PETER FUNK PRESS)
Barney the dinosaur, star of the children's television show_Barney_,
went berserk this morning during his show and ate three of his child co-
stars.
The mayhem occurred in the Pretend Room while Barney and his co-stars
sang the song "Shoo Fly Don't Bother Me." In the second verse, Barney
stopped singing and muttered that he had not eaten breakfast. He started
staring at the children. Drops of saliva dripped from his mouth. His
stomach growled. His eyes widened and pupils dilated much like someone on
the third week of a radical diet of designer water and raw grass, who
stumbles upon a cheesecake in a bakery window. Just as the children
finished the song, Barney started to shiver. Suddenly, he just grabbed the
children and one by one dropped them down his mouth like appetizers.
A fourth child only escaped because Barney ate the third child too
fast, and he bent over choking for several minutes, allowing the child to
run away. Barney nearly passed out, but a fortuitous belch cleared the
obstruction. He then stood erect, complained of a severe thirst, and asked
for a double gin and tonic.
This all seemed very ironic, since Barney had just given a ten minute
lesson, demonstrating to children how to chew one's food properly to
prevent choking. The lesson even included a rhyming song with lyrics
instructing children on the proper technique of the Heimlich maneuver.
Following it, Barney gave a ten minute plea for responsible drinking among
kindergartners.
Before Barney finished his gin and tonic, the police arrived and
arrested him on three counts of first degree murder, one count of attempted
murder, and a misdemeanor charge of chewing with his mouth open.
The Public Broadcasting Corporation (PBS), producers of_Barney_,
estimates seven million children and 300,000 very strange adults saw the
killings. However, it estimates that over sixty million people saw the show
that night when many of its local affiliates broadcast the show again as
part of their fund drive. PBS local affiliates claimed record donations
from viewers during the rebroadcast, especially when the stations ran
Barney eating breakfast in slow motion. They also reported receiving
thousands of supportive letters which said, "Now that's what I call
culture. Keep it up!"
News of Barney's arrest shocked the show business world. Barney comes
from a show business family. His grandfather did stunt work in the film
King Kong and worked as technical advisor on the film _King Kong Versus_
_Mohammed Ali_. Barney's father played in the movie _1,000,000 Years B.C._
and its sequel _1,000,001 B.C._ His mother ran an acting school, which
became famous for teaching lizards the Stanislasky methods.
Barney began his career as a tap dancer. Later, he starred in many
Broadway shows in which he broke down many barriers against reptiles. He
played Professor Higgins in an all serpent version of Lerner and Lowe's _My
Fair Lady_. He played Curly in _Oklahoma_ in the first show produced and
directed by stegosauruses. His music theater career ended though when he
tripped over his tail during a dance scene in _West Side Story_. He
received a severe head injury, and his I.Q dropped seventy points, giving
him the intelligence of a learned potato. He had to quit the music theater
but got a job playing himself on own children's TV show.
Upon Barney's arrest, he hired flamboyant defense attorney A.P. Hee-
Haw Ripsnort to defend him. Ripsnort is a smooth, down home, southern
lawyer who speaks with a New York accent. He wears Rhet Butler suits with a
prostitute's lace garter belt wrapped around his upper arm. In court, he
wears no shoes or socks and asks beautiful jurywomen it they'd like to arm
wrestle sometime. While cross-examining witnesses, he eats corn on the cob
and offers prosecuting attorneys a chew of his tobacco. He specializes in
defending TV creature actors. For instance he has defended Dino of _The
Flintstones_, Alf of the show _Alf_, and Herve Villachaez of _Fantasy
Island_. He became famous for successfully defending Kermit the Frog of the
Muppets from a vicious palimony suit brought on by Miss Piggy.
Ripsnort said he would base Barney's defense on temporary insanity,
for only hours before the killings Barney had watched a pirate video
cassette of the film _Jurassic Park_ fifteen times consecutively. Ripsnort
will make the argument that the gratuitous violence in the film _Jurassic_
Park_ motivated Barney to consume children, a diet that even the American
Pork Producers does not approve because of its high cholesterol. Ripsnort
intends to present clips from _Jurassic Park_, showing dinosaurs hunting
and eating humans, to the jury as part of Barney's defense. He will precede
the clips with a Bugs Bunny cartoon.
No matter the outcome of the trial, however, Barney has no future on
television. The Federal Communications Center (FCC) intends to ban him from
public airwaves for eating children in daylight hours, a violation of FCC
rules.
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Entire contents Copyright (C) 1994 by Byron Lanning. All rights reserved.
You cannot redistribute the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ without the written
permission of the author with exception that a single user may retrieve
the _PETER FUNK PRESS_ from archives by anonymous FTP or through a Gopher
and may send it to another single user through electronic mail other than
an electronic mailing list such as Majordomo.
Byron Lanning (swipe@well.sf.ca.us or blanning@crl.com) writes and
electronically publishes the _PETER FUNK PRESS_. Inquiries and opinions
welcome.
