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PISS Vol 01 No 01
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A Zine Dedicated To Bitching And Moaning About People In Society
Vol. I Num. I
Welcome to PISS. A different kind of zine. We don't do anarchy.
We don't practice wicca, and we don't pretend we can hack VAXen. We
don't make crystal meth in our basement. We don't get erections every
time a Renegade update comes out. We don't write adult text. We have
no business in warez. We're not into the paranoia conspiracy thing. We
don't trade source code for C++ or Pascal. We don't draw obnoxious ansi
of comicbook heroes. What does PISS do? Bitch. And moan. We rant, rave,
complain, filibuster, debate, gripe, whine, and get pissed. Pissed off.
At society and the people in it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
In This Issue:
BITE ME MONKEY BOY: Music, subverts, insecurity, and life.
I ALMOST CARE: How to deal with phone solicitors. The FUN way.
COMPROMISE SCHMOMPROMISE: The pitfalls of the Jews for Jesus.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
FIRST RANT.
Alternative. Hip-hop. Country. Punk. Classic rock. R+B. Seattle.
Heavy Metal. Soul. Jazz. Reggae. Pop. And every other possible style
of music that you can think of. Don't matter what kind it is, what
it sounds like, someone is going to slam it. You listen to Nirvana?
Poser. Nine Inch Nails? Bandwagon. Green Day? Sellout. Garth Brooks?
Inbred. Pennywise? Skaterdork. Grateful Dead? Homo. I find it pretty
ironic that people will find a way to insult any music that they
themselves don't listen to. But there's reason for it. It's an ego
booster, and a mask for insecurity. And I'm fucking tired of it. I'm
getting pissed.
The explanation behind this whole music deal is pretty simple. It
usually starts when one is in their early teens, and just beginning
to play the whole "I'm cool as shit" game. You go and throw away all
your Bon Jovi, Poison, Def Leppard, and Michael Jackson tapes, and
begin looking for some new rebel music that'll define just how cool
you really are to all of your peers. You pick your style of choice,
and from that point on anything else sucks. You've only three things
to worry about: making sure your music is so original that you can
be one of those trendy new "individuals", making sure that nobody
else listens to your bands (or else you'd lose your trendy status as
an individual, oh no), and making sure that you put down everybody
else's music, so that you can show how much cooler than them you are
and so that you can further reassure yourself of your new subversive
personality.
Or you can choose another path, which is that of conformist. You
go out and buy the music that everyone else is listening to, try to
do exactly what MTV tells you is "hip", and do your best to blend in
with everyone else, you don't wanna seem different, weird. Secure as
being a conformer, you'd rather that than be an outcast. Standards
vary from area to area. At my high school, since the late 70's it's
been the Grateful Dead and pot. If you listen to the Dead, and live
on weed, you are cool. No questions asked. Otherwise, you're.. yep..
different. So the conformists just go with the flow, which generally
leads to social success, if not personal torment, for these people.
Of course, there are two other kinds of people who fit into this
story. There's the kid who buys what he likes, and don't care if he
saw it advertised on MTV, or if it's "corporate rock". There's also
the guy who really does just have unique tastes, and just isn't into
the same kind of stuff most other people are. Now strangely, these
two types, the only two who are being honest, get the most shit from
their peers. They, unlike the conformist and the coolguy, are not
sacrificing their thoughts, feelings, likes and dislikes in hopes of
being deemed "cool". They are being true to themselves, but their
shallow and insecure peers are more concerned with their image than
happiness.
So what inevitably happens (damn, that was a longass introduction,
wasn't it?) is these four groups come into conflict. The coolguy and
the conformist are worried about their image, due to some adolescent
insecurities (which I'm sure are perfectly natural). They deal with
these insecurities in two ways, the coolguy taking the active path,
the conformist the passive one. Usually, unfortunately, the innocent
"realguy" recieves the same abuse thrown at the conformist by the
coolguys. Coolguy is most always the instigator in these fights. So,
coolguy ends up saying how Metallica and NIN kick so much ass, and
how he is so cool because he listens to them. And he begins to say
to conformist how much his music sux, and how much better coolguy's
is. Meanwhile, conformist is saying that he listens to the same shit
that coolguy listens to. Because of course, hell, it's so damn cool.
This further enrages coolguy, because now he is being told his music
is no longer ORIGINAL, so he begins to question the integrity with
which conformist listens to those groups. (Pot calling the kettle
black, no?) So conformist beings a half assed attempt to explain how
he feels Trent Reznor's pain, when Trent bleeds, HE bleeds. And poor
real guy is being assaulted at the same time, and all he can say is
the truth, that he listens to NIN and Green Day and Offspring cause
he heard them on MTV and thought they were pretty good. And all the
while, Authenticallydifferentman is laughing at all of this. Alas,
coolguy has a problem with him too. Coolguy's jealous of him because
coolguy knows in his heart that authenticman is what he's pretending
to be. So he has to start ripping on authenticman, to try and do two
things; one, once again bolster his self esteem (or lack there of),
and two, try and subconsciously tell authenticman that he's not as
Authentic as he really is. But authenticallydifferentman's too smart
for that shit. And realguy, poor, simple, misunderstood realguy is
just sitting there wondering why the fuck this all matters, christ,
it's only music, it's not like the meaning of life. So conformist is
trying to think of a way that he can just blend into the background
again while they all duke it out, and coolguy, in the midst of a
testosterone rush, demands realguy tell him what Eddie Vedder is all
about. Realguy looks at him and asks coolguy if he wants to borrow
his copy of Ten, becuase, hey, it's like pretty good and stuff. So
authenticman, in a flurry of selflessness, asks coolguy why HE is a
more valid NIN fan than realguy is, (hey, the honest losers have to
stick together) and coolguy states that he knew about them first. So
Authenticman whips out a ticket stub from a NIN show in 1986, from a
theater that only seats two hundred people. Suddenly, all commotion
comes to a halt. They are all faced with the pinnacle of coolness.
Coolguy begins saying how Trent was his fourth cousin once removed,
while conformist is trying to ask authenticman if he's busy Friday
nite. Realguy has wandered off in the meantime to buy the new Motley
Crue album, and carries it up to the register with not the slightest
bit of shame on his face. As the day comes to an end, Coolguy goes
home to watch Alternative Nation and take notes on all the cool new
bands he can like. Comformist goes to a party at a neighbor's house
and dies of alcohol poisoning while pretending that he likes beer.
Authenticman walks off into the sunset in search of more cool things
he can do. And realguy goes home to enjoy the blissful sounds of his
new Nirvana Unplugged, proud to say that he has no clue what Kurt
Cobain is talking about, and has no desire to.
So what's my point?
1. None of this shit matters. Why is it music such an intrinsic
part of an adolescent's persona anyway? Why not make it their choice
of underwear? Coolguy wears boxers, Formy wears breifs, Authenticman
freeballs? This is all stupid. It's juvenile, and immature. However
it's only a phase. I've never seen anyone over the age of thirty act
this way. So maybe there still is hope.
2. Insecurity sucks. Be honest, and you'll be much happier. Who
cares if you don't have any freinds? Better than having fake freinds
who you don't even like.
3. Questioning the integrity with which someone follows a band
is dumb and ignorant. I hate Green Day, but find it hilarious when
I hear someone accuse a Green Day fan of being a sell out loser.
Yea, Green Day did sell out to become rich and famous, but if a kid
thinks "Dookie" is a cool sounding album, why does it matter to him
if they are making a lot of money? To him, they still sound good.
And don't say it's the principle of the matter. Sure, the principle
of Green Day (and Offspring) selling out the punk scene does suck,
but hell, if that's what you think, then YOU don't buy the album.
4. Being the only person to listen to a band does not make you
cool. Hell, I had a copy of Nevermind before Nirvana had ever been
on MTV. And you know what? There are a lot of people who had it
before I did. And i don't care. I don't tell people not to listen
to Nirvana because "I had them first" (well, that and I really dont
like em that much, but...). My favorite band is The Ramones. They
are one of the oldest punk bands around, yet have been very unlucky
with their music, and not many people have caught on to them. So do
I try and keep them secret? Hell no. I talk about them every chance
I get. If something is good, share it, don't try to keep it secret.
That's immature, and NOT cool.
5. Don't try to be an Authenticman. That's what starts all the
problems. Be a Realguy, and you not only will be an Authenticman,
but you'll be much happier. Do what's NATURAL.
6. Be nice. It's nicer that way.
7. I think you get the point. The whole music trip is stupid,
immature, and a waste of time. That's about it. Stop pissing me off.
SECOND RANT.
Scenario: You and your all-American family have just sat down to
a pleasant Sunday evening dinner. Just as you are offering to serve
your little brother some delicious, wholesome veggies, the tranquil
scene is interrupted by the screech of the telephone. Daddy gets up
to answer it, trying his best to maintain his composure, lest he be
rude to the caller. But when Daddy hears the all too familiar "Good
evening Mr.<appropriate surname>, how are you tonite? <doesn't wait
for a reply> That's great. My name is Bill Meyers, and I was hoping
you could spare me a minute of your time, so that I could tell you
about the next great development in the colostomy bag industry. Now
if I could just... ", Daddy is slightly annoyed. He politely states
that his family is in the middle of dinner, and he does not want to
deal with this now. "I'm sure," replies Bill, "but I promise you, I
won't take more than a minute of your time. So as I was saying, the
bag collects the fecal matter in an amazing new way. You see-" but
before he can continue, Daddy loses control and flips. "Look, you..
you.. ignoramus! Yea! You ignoramus, I'm trying to enjoy a precious
family bonding moment, and you're here disturbing our meal! I won't
stand for it! You are SOO insensitive to our needs! I am hanging up
now! I won't tolerate this insurrection! Good-Bye!" Click.
Seem familiar? Most likely, no. But you know what I'm getting at.
At one time or another, we've all had to deal with obnoxious phone
solicitors, calling at any and every hour so they can mispronounce
our names, insult our lifestyles, and then bombard us with a sales
pitch explaining why a solar powered ostrich waxer is a necessity
for any nuclear family of the nineties. Welp, I'm sick and tired of
dealing with this shit. So a few months ago, I decided to think up
as many immature, juvenile, and obnoxious ways of dealing with this
as possible. A list of my favorite means of revenge follows.
1) The General Obnoxiousness Reply
A favorite throughout the generations, this consists
of basically yelling at the person and being really really
obnoxious, and then hanging up on them. Cute, but not very
fun.
2) The "Okay" Game.
A very simple very enjoyable way to deal with the guy.
Wait until he introduces himself, and as soon as he begins
his speech, say "Okay". Continue to say OK as often as you
can, for the duration of the call. Change your inflection
and tone of voice as much as possible. The idea is to see
how many OKs you can get in before they hang up on you, in
bewilderment or annoyance. Some people prefer to throw out
their OKs at random, awkward intervals. Others like to use
the "machine gun" approach, ie, say OK non-stop as soon as
he begins talking to you. Both work well. For the record,
my personal best is 37 okays in a single call.
3) The Pervert
A personal favorite, and possibly the funniest to use.
When the loser on the other end of the line asks you if he
can tell you about his product, say yes. As he begins his
speech, don't say much at first, just throw in the random
"uh huh" and "yes.." here and there. After a minute or two
begin to moan softly after every sentence. Every time that
he makes a "big" point, reply with an "ooh". Increase the
rate at which you do this until it is every two seconds or
so. Then the fun begins. Continue your moanings, but make
them louder and more obvious. Throw in lots of really loud
cries of "Yes! Yes!". As he continues (in probably a state
of mild confusion) continue "Oh God! Yes!", "Don't Stop!"
Keep this up until it seems like he might be getting close
to the end of his sales pitch, or he seems like he might
hang up. Then, continue with the "Oh Gods!"s, and finally,
let loose with all your might when he reaches the climax
of his speech. "Oh my god! YES!! YES!!! I'm coming! OH GOD
I'M COMING!! DON'T STOP!! OH JESUS! YES!!!!!". You get the
basic idea, I think. After your orgasm he will probably be
in a total state of shock, if he has not hung up already
Then proceed to thank him profusely, ask him for his phone
number, and ask if you can do this again sometime. If you
want, a cheesy nice touch is to ask how it was for him.
During all of this you should be panting, wheezing, etc,
to make it oh-so-more realistic. Tell him one more time
how great it was, and hang up before he can reply.
4) The Obnoxious Whistle
Another simple one, but very satisfying. Try and keep
one of them Thunder whistles, or if you can't find one, a
referee's whistle, near your phone. If you answer the line
to one of those pesky phone solicitors, give him about two
seconds head start, then pick up the whistle and blast it
into the mouthpiece of the receiver as loudly as you can.
Not only is this real annoying, but it can be really funny
on a variety of levels. First off they usually scream like
a little girl when they hear it, which is rather humorous.
Second, it's not just annoying, but really really.. umm...
bad?? A friend of mine did it to a phone salesman using a
normal whistle, and he did it so loud that he blew out the
guy's right eardrum. The company the guy worked for tried
to sue my friend (and his parents) but, apparently, that
would only be permissible if my friend had called them. So
then case never even went to court. So it's not only a fun
way to permanently damage someone who SUCKS, but it's also
legal! Gotta love our justice system. And as a note, don't
try this with an airhorn, you'd probably end up hurting
yourself more than the loser on the other end of the wire.
Oh, and although I've never had the pleasure of this, I've
been told by others that sometimes the schmucks don't even
hang up. If that's the case, don't worry. Wait about three
seconds and do it again. Repeat as necessary.
5) Stopwatch Fun.
This one sucks, but if you're bored, go for it. Keep a
stopwatch by the phone, and start it as soon as the loser
begins his rap. Put the phone down, go get a beer or soda
or something, come back, and see how long he can go before
he realizes that no one is listening to him. I told ya it
sucks.
6) The Lonely Neurotic Game
Really funny if you do it right. When he starts talking
act normal for about a minute. Then try to, real subtle at
first, drag him into a totally unrelated conversation. Tell
him about your cat's urinary tract infection. Ask him his
favorite flavor of cheese. Tell him about your first sexual
experience. Begin reciting the Gettysburg Address. Ask him
if he speaks any other languages, and then say you'll only
listen to his speech in that language. Ask him if he spits
or swallows. Sing the Cuban national anthem. Backwards. Try
and start a farting contest. You get the idea.
7) The "I Think I'm Seven Game"
Hahaha... this one is so stupid, and so funny. Watch the
reaction you get from this one. It really annoys da fuck out
out of the solicitor. As soon as you can identify him as one
of "them", start doing the mimic game you played when you
were seven. You know, the "copy" game. Everything he says,
repeat back to him. For added effect, do it in a really high
pitched, nasal, whiny voice. If they get flustered, keep it
up. You've not seen patheticness until you've heard a twenty
seven year old man have a temper tantrum over the phone.
There are a million other things ya could do to do these People Who
Suck. These are just some of my favorites. And don't you worry if you
don't get many calls from phone salespeople. I've found that most of
these tactics work really well on annoying friends as well as on the
professional assholes. So next time some loser rings you up, either
professional or amateur, don't just get Pissed. Have fun.
THIRD RANT.
I was meandering through downtown Philadelphia last week, going
nowhere in particular pretty quickly, when I came to the corner of
Sixteenth and Chesnut. As is usual around Christmas time, there was
a big old fat Santa Claus with gratuitous Salvation Army kettle in
hand, clanking his obnoxious little bell at passersby. Across the
street from him was the neurotic guy with the giant sign exalting
the second coming of christ, megaphone in one hand, tattered bible
in the other. But as I continued down the sidewalk, I noticed there
was something different.. There were new solicitors on the sidewalk
today. Dressed in blue n white, four of them had commandeered each
corner of the intersection and were distributing (or, at the least,
trying to) little white pamphlets to the pedestrians walking by. I
recognized them immediately as members of one of the more pathetic
organizations in America today. Called Messianic Jews, Yeshuahites,
or whatever else, they are the Jews For Jesus, some of the sorriest
people I have ever had to encounter.
Jews For Jesus is an organization that is about, basically, what
its name implies. The members are mostly Jews who decide that Jesus
is the real deal, but choose not to become Christians. So they try
to make a compromise between the two, remaining practicing Jews (in
their minds) but accepting the concept of Jesus as the messiah. The
Jews For Jesus as a whole however, are neither Jewish or Christian.
Their basic doctrine goes like this: Jesus did come to Earth around
2000 years ago, but no one really realized how great a guy he was,
so he just got shit all over. So then he did the whole crucifixion
deal, and went to meet God in heaven, etc, etc, etc. They say that
the reason not everyone on Earth believes in him is because he did
not finish his job here. So they are waiting for him to come back.
Until then, they won't be either real Jews or real Christians, they
figure they can decide that when the real messiah, whoever he is,
finally shows up. This is not necessarily their complete doctrine,
but a summary given to me twice, once by the Philadelphia JFJs, and
once by the New York City JFJs.
So basically, the Christian church (and the Christian community
as a whole) detest these people, who want to accept the christian
messiah without adapting to his church. And the Jewish community
has the same basic feelings, the Messianics are going against the
most basic tenets of Jewish theology, that the Messiah hasn't yet
arrived on Earth. Yet they insist they are Jewish, even if they do
believe in Jesus. Essentially, nobody likes them (Okay, maybe the
Muslims don't hate them too much, but..).
Well anyway, I was getting closer and closer to one of the freaks
when I realized that she had already locked me into her sights. Not
having planned a discourse for this situation, I cut her off before
she could finish her "Merry Christmas! Can I intere.." with a sharp
and intentionally quite loud snap of "Pagan!" to her face. I rushed
across the street before she could say anything else, thinking that
I had "won" that battle. However, her compatriot across the way had
heard my remark to her, so not only did he offer me a pamphlet, but
he had the nerve to corner me against a busy food stand, so that he
might be able to preach his wisdom to me against my will. I thought
as quickly as I could about the best way to get out of this. I did
recall the time two years ago when I was up in New York with some
freinds, and we went to South Street Seaport. We weren't there five
minutes when we were greeted by the NYC faction of the Yeshuaites,
and assholes we are, we weren't going to just ignore them. One of
my freinds there had been going to a Jewish day school for four
years, so he engaged in a lengthy debate on the interpretation of
the bible and other scriptures with one of the guys. Having never
really studied the bible so in depth, I was left standing there
telling the guy "You're ugly, you smell, and you suck real bad."
As effective as this argument may have been then, I didn't think
that it would serve me well now. So i decided to forget the whole
theology-bible-interpretation thing, and launch into something I am
good at, to hold my own against this guy. So I began grilling him
on the integrity & ethics behind his beliefs, being as obnoxiously
intelligent (and just obnoxious) as i could on such short notice.
A transcript of our conversation (as best as i can recall) follows.
Feel free to make your own judgement on the JFJs from what they say.
I have already made up my mind.
(Me) Do you want something?
(Jew For Jesus) Yes. I wanted to talk to you about our organization.
(M) I'm familiar with you guys already.
(J) Is that right?
(M) Yes. I harassed one of you in New York a few years ago. It was fun.
(J) <awkward laugh> hehe.. um, can i offer you some literature?
(M) How about this, can I ask you some questions?
(J) I'd be happy to answer any questions you had about our group.
(M) Are you Jewish or Christian?
(J) Both.
(M) Impossible.
(J) How do you figure?
(M) Jews don't believe in christ, christians do. It's really not that
complicated.
(J) Haha, well, yes, in a way you are right. But you see--
(M) <interrupting> Wait, I've heard this speech before. Tell me this.
If you believe that the messiah already came, but has more work to
do, and will come again, why not start a totally new religion based
on that premise? Why hang on to these two?
(J) It's not that simple.
(M) Sure it is. Do you celebrate Hannukah?
(J) Yes.
(M) Do you celebrate Christmas?
(J) Yes.
(M) Passover?
(J) Yes.
(M) Easter?
(J) Yes.
(M) Memorial Day?
(J) Ye.. um, what?
(M) Nevermind. Look, let me cut to the chase. Aren't you just some
really insecure Jewish guy who wants to comform to the rest of
American society by believing in this christ guy? But you're either too
indecisive or too scared of the reprecussions you might face from
god, if you did such a thing? If say, there was no jesus,
and you ended up pissing god off real bad? Is that it?
(J) <trying to maintain composure> Interesting opinion, but I was not
actually born a Jew. I just agree with many of the tenets of the
Jewish faith.
(M) Are you circumcised?
(J) No.
(M) Then how can you call yourself a Jew? Any kind of Jew? Can't be
Jewish with that foreskin thing, ya know.
(J) I don't wanna do it. It'd hurt too much.
(M) You're kidding, right?
(J) No.
(M) And you are supposed to be a good representative of your
organization?
(J) I feel I am.
(M) Uh huh.
(J) Look, would you like a pamphlet? It might answer a lot of your
questions.
(M) No. I'd rather stand here and try to understand your psyche.
(J) Um, I really have to be going, there are a lot of people out. It's
lunch hour.
(M) Hold on. How do you justify a name like "Jews for Jesus"? It is
an oxymoron in its purest essence.
(J) I don't know. But I'm not sure which is the proper path, as the
Messiah, Yeshua, has not yet returned to Earth.
(M) Wait. You're not sure? But you said before that it's NOT because
you are indecisive. Make up your mind.
(J) Okay, maybe I am. What of it? You know, there are some Jews For
Jesus who are starting a new branch called the Buddhist Jews for
Jesus.
(M) Hahaha... hehe
(J) I wasn't kidding.
(M) Oh.
(J) Maybe they have the right idea... look, i have to run. Take this.
<hands me a pamphlet>
(M) Wait...
(J) What?
(M) Don't you think you're insulting real Jews and Christians by
using their names in a misrepresenting sense? My history teacher
would probably accuse you of plagarism...
(J) Well, it's not like those names are copyrighted.
(M) Good point. <sarcastic air to voice>
(J) And we are happy to allow any Jews or Christians participate in
our services.
(M) That's very noble of you. How do you feel about prayer in the
the classroom? I think it sucks...
(J) If it's directed towards all faiths, it can be a good thing.
(M) What about atheists?
(J) They are different.
(M) And agnostics?
(J) I'm agnostic.
(M) I thought you were a Jew For Jesus..
(J) I am. I'm just not sure if there is a god, that's all.
(M) So you doubt the existance of a messiah, and of a god, and your
solution is to join every religion you can, to try and cover all
the bases?
(J) I wouldn't put it that way...
(M) Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
(J) Huh?
(M) He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
(J) Umm..
(M) Nevermind.. old joke. Tell me this. You are waiting for the
messiah, right?
(J) Yes.
(M) What if I told you that guy over there was the Messiah <pointing
to freak with the jesus sign and the bible>?
(J) I doubt it.
(M) How do ya figure?
(J) He looks like a vagrant.
(M) Wasn't the "real" Jesus a bum too, though?
(J) So I'm told.
(M) Uh huh. Okay, what if I told you I was the messiah?
(J) Look, you're not, and I really don't have time for this.
(M) I am the messiah.
(J) Prove it. Make yourself invisible. <with sophisticated sarcasm>
(M) <not believing this guy> No.
(J) Why not?
(M) That'd be a vulgar display of power. <I stole that from "The
Exorcist">
(J) Look, I'm done talking to you.
(M) Well, when are you gonna decide what religion you are?
(J) I don't know. I'm looking into Taoism. <I think he was joking.>
(M) Um, okay....
(J) Good day, sir.
(M) Um, later buddy.
<He walks off>
Draw your own conclusions. This guy was supposed to be one of the
most respected, wise, grooviest representatives of the Messianics
of Philadelphia. They weren't much different in New York. Just one
more example of People In Society who Suck.
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