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PSiKOTiK Issue 06

eZine's profile picture
Published in 
PSiKOTiK
 · 26 Apr 2019

  

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:: introduction ::

welcome to psikotik 6.

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:: my father the poindexter :: by haliphax ::

for some bizarre reason, i wanted an account on america online. hey,
fuck you. i've got aohell, aosabre, aoturkey, all the good stuff. but that's
not why i wanted it. i was in desperate need of all the real meat in an inter-
net service could give. my local piece o' poo didn't offer enough. just lynx.

so, i approached my dad, not being able enough to LEGALLY obtain a
membership, and asked him if i could use his credit card, and i would pay for
the monthly bill.

"whaddya want an aol account for?" came the beer-laden, melancholy
response through the piles of vomit on his polo shirt. i'm suprised he could
even tear his gaze away from the football recaps long enough to answer me.

"well, you see.. well.. all my friends are on it, and.. you know."

"no, i don't. who are these 'friends'?"

"umm.. well, brian, tim, andrew, and a few others.." - yeah dad, my
asian-gangster buddies, taek, p-chang and sui.

"no. the account would be in my name, and anything you do would come
back to me, and i don't like that." - i'm gonna send nekkid photos of you
and grandma gettin' it on to steve case.

"what do you think i'd do? you always automatically assume that every-
thing i do has to be bad."

"son, you've already gotten kicked off of it once."

ahh. he's referring to the time some testosterone-leaking 'guide' got
in a chat room, and i was spoofing a hack-script.. he took it the wrong way,
and locked me out. damn. i thought my father had forgotten about that.

"you're so damn paranoid, dad."

"don't start cussing at me, young man! you'll wind up without a pc if
you keep this up! blah blah blah".. his voice trails off as i walk past him
and drag myself down the stairs to write this article on my Godforsaken male
parental unit some people call a father.

it's true. he's too fucking paranoid. he wanted to know why i wanted
one. why? on all those trial hours i used up, he never gave a hoot. and he
got after me for saying "damn". him. the man who said "shit" whenever he did
something wrong, even when i was a toddler.

"oh yeah, dad.. i'm gonna hook up with the other teenage pedophiles
and cybermolest some little boys. we'll have a grand ole time." or how about,

"well, i plan to penetrate the norad defense network through their web
browser, daddy-o." either one didn't matter to him.

he gets mad at me for going to the mall more than once in a week's
time. wtf? does he think i'm chillin' with my homies, and we're gonna gank
some unsuspecting pig? fuck no.

you see, my father has always thought of me as a juvenile delinquent.
no matter what i do, that's just the way he sees me. i've learned to accept it
as a part of everyday life.

"dad, pass the butter knife."

"what, are you gonna go kill some poor young girl riding down the
street on her shiny new tricycle? is THAT what you're gonna do with this
knife, son?"

"yeah, dad. that, and i'm gonna put some jelly on my toast, you over-
exaggerating little insecure bastard." that last part was merely in my mind,
i never actually said it. heh.

if your parents are like this, you can do what i do. try to kill your-
self by watching reruns of a microsoft infomercial from 1:00am to 5:00pm, 'til
the asshole gets home. then, you can hide behind your monitor and write shit
like this. that, or you can kick him in the balls. whichever's best for you.

anyone out there with a father like this, please email me at
negative@nether.net, so we can have a hearty laugh at their expense. thank u.

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* note: as in all adolescent cases like this, i have forgiven my dad,
and i now look back upon the experience and laugh at myself, for even thinking
about wanting to maybe get an AOL account. in fact, it's pretty damn scary. i
guess the bigass file libraries finally got to me. i hope you don't look at
me as less of a person. (sob) WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?!@ ahem.

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:: a mockery of scene literature :: by haliphax ::

i split your colon
and the poop flows like wine
i drink of your blood
and vomit because it does not taste very good
you let a horrendous fart
and i keel over for lack of oxygen
i slice my wrist witha lady bic(tm)
it takes me 24 hours to bleed
you grab a broomstick and vasoline
70s porno music fills the air
everybody dies
after sniffing 2 kilos of heroin
finis

heh.. based on a "poem" by polygon breasts. ;)

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:: mindless rambling :: by haliphax ::

well, this issue didn't amount to shit, but with the next issue, i've
got a suprise for you.. CONTRIBUTIONS!@ fuck yes! i ain't trippin'. a few
local peeps wrote some stuff for me. sure, it's not the highest quality stuff
out there, but it's funny.

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