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PSiKOTiK Issue 05
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psikotik is the following individuals:
haliphax <negative@nether.net> (573) 555-1212
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wELCOME tO hELL, tHE lAND oF rABID gERBILS aND fLUFFY tOILET pAPER.
(-------- introduction to issue six ------------------------------------------)
welcome to psikotik's souped-up, fatty boombatty, kris-kross is gonna
make you jump sixth issue. no, we aren't exactly "holdin' strong" with six
issues, but we're getting better. true, i haven't really reached anyone with
this mag, and it primarily stays inside of 573 with me being the only reader,
but hey--it could be worse. somehow.
just read it, damn you.
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qUOTE: "640k oUGHT tO bE eNOUGH fOR eVERYBODY." -sATAN
(-------- the tale of the bagel butcherer ------------------------------------)
the cream-cheese enforcement agency's elite squad sat, motionless in
their surveilance van, studying the task at hand. a fat man, wearing speedos,
was smearing butter all over an innocent bagel. they had to do something.
agent #1 grabbed his weapon, a with and smesson 35b--the fastest cream-
cheese pumper there is--and headed towards the back of the van.
"don't do anything crazy, now," said agent #3, the veteran.
agent #1 merely squinted his eyes and grabbed hold of the door handle.
pulling up ever-so-slowly, as not to make any noise, slipped silently out of
their vehicle--disguised as a "1-900-FLOWERZ" delivery-mobile.
agent #4 tore his gaze away from the monitor and headed out the back
as well. agent #4 was the rookie, and he didn't want to screw up. he just did
what everyone else was doing. if agent #6 took a shit, he took a shit. that's
just the way it was. he wanted to make it out of this alive.
as agents #1 and #6 padded across the sod lawn, a low grumble arose
directly behind them. #1 whipped around, and spotted the doberman. before it
could even blink, it was covered head-to-paw in phillidelphia(tm) strawberry
cream cheese. "no problem," #1 thought.
nearing the door, agent #6 took a step back to size up the situation.
they were to pick the lock on the door, and make their way up to 3rd floor,
apartment 7. easy, you'd think.. but no. it was hell on earth. often, the
perpetrators would rage, and dive at the cream cheese swat team in a frenzy
of saliva, margarine, teeth, and nails. that's when the killin' starts.
"not today," agent #1 muttered beneath his breath. he had lost too
many innocent bagels and bread loafs to screw up now. it was win or die.
he intended to win. nothing could stand in his way. nothing, that is, except
the overweight lady in a thong bikini barreling down the hall towards them.
agent #6 shit his pants. he yanked out his cheese-chucker and pulled
the trigger. "click." nothing. the safety! fuck! with agent #6 in shock, and
the woman chuggin' right along, agent #1 though clearly and smoothly. flipping
a few switches on his gun, he opened fire on the bitch. the velocity of the
cheese knocked her all the way down the hall, and nailed her (literally) to
the wall at the end. it was a necessary sacrifice. they were losing time.
tapping the microphone on his neck, he whispered "can you hear me,
number 5? do you read? over." minutes passed as they tip-toed across chartreuse
shag carpet, until finally, a fuzzy response came.
"loud and clear, over."
good. communication was available in case of a disaster. they aren't
that uncommon in this kind of work. the only thing going through the agents
minds was the precious pastries they had to save. it's their job and duty. the
powers above were on their side that night.
the rookie tired quickly from walking the two flights of stairs, but
agent #1 paced himself, and made it to the top all while keeping the same
heart rate. "live and learn, rookie," he said wryly.
they arrived at apartment 7 shortly. steeling himself, agent #6 kicked
the door in and rushed head first into the unknown.
"no! NOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed agent #1, as the rookie was instantly
crushed when the fat man dropped from the ceiling, landing--and killing--poor
agent #6. bubbling with anger, agent #1 exploded in a barrage of cream cheese
and froth, hurling himself at the obese monster. battling for hours, the two
each came so close to losing, but, in the end, the agent had the advantage.
wiping the philly(tm) from his brow, he limped away from the gory scene, and
proceeded towards the pantry.
"i'm here to save you. don't panic," he said calmly, so not to alert
the bread and bagels. flinging open the pantry doors, agent #1 gasped at what
he saw. shelves upon shelves of wheat products were all there, waiting to
be rescued. he lifted his cannon slowly, and peppered them all with the succ-
ulent cow-extract, and giggled in orgasmic delight.
the screams could be heard 'round the block that night. all that
bread.. devoured in a few short hours. some say all the death and mayhem fin-
ally got to agent #1. some say he was just plain psycho. sadly, the enforcement
agency's swat team had to kill agent #1, but that's all part of the job. they
had to tie up all the loose ends. the veteran will never forget the grin on
agent #1's face as he drown in pineapple cherry cream cheese.
the end
* haliphax's note: this shit isn't my forte, but i think i did good. eh?
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yORE mAW-mAW sOWE pHAT, hUH bLUDD tYPE bEE rAW-kAY rODE!
(-------- land of dark loss --------------------------------------------------)
a road long gone
and lost in sin
a thought of nonsense
born again
an evil light
to follow home
a place to stop
and no more roam.
a land that's far
and gone away
a place where children
dare not play
a home of evil's
darkest way
a place where demons
rule the day.
a road long gone
and lost in sin
a place where all things
must begin
a path of knowldge;
forbiden fruit
a land long lost
found on the lute.
atonal skism '96
* haliphax's note: this actually isn't a contribution.. but he uploaded it a
while ago, so i thought i'd use it. hey, -I- like it! ;)
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qUOTE: "i dUB tHEE, gREPN bEPNS." -pOLYGON bREASTS
(-------- boogie down with hp ------------------------------------------------)
haliphax: ,++, eye doo a liddle dans fore yew
& o0 & /
`+,,+'
,+'`+`,^+,+' )) hEY, hALIPHAX0RINA!
: ,+,
(( ;+' `,
,' `- <--sHAYKE-tHAT-rUMP---
_+'
* haliphax's note: what? i was bored. :>
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yOUNG nEWTIE gINGRICH. tSK, tSK, tSK.
(-------- outroduction -------------------------------------------------------)
well, that's it for issue six of psikotik. i hope you enjoyed the
show. if not, fuggetchoo, muddafucka! ah dowen't needjo ennuhway!
if you would like to get in touch with haliphax, just send some phatty
ol' email to <negative@nether.net> and he will reply as soon as possible,
weather providing. until next time, folks, a badeet, a badeet, g'bye!
_haliphax0rz_
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