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The Purple Thunderbolt of spode Volume 4 Issue 53
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SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 4, 53
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"Three years and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
still going strong"
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WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139
Pope Jephe: jstevens@world.std.com
Doc Simpson: scott@plearn.bitnet
Subscriptions: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
Back issues ftp from quartz.rutgers.edu in /pub/journals/purps
####===================================================================####
INTRO
####===================================================================####
I know what you're thinking: "Gosh bloody well took long enough..." Well
this time I have a real excuse. It's September. The month of trial and
tribulation for the Editor. Lord knows why but the state of Florida has
decreed that I must atone for a life time of sins each September. For
example, it was discovered that the editor was driving a FLYING BOMB. At any
moment it could have burst into a fire ball of flame.
"What the heck is he talking about," you wonder. Well, actually, there was a
hole in the gas tank. A honking big hole the hemorrhaged gas all over the
place. The car could be tracked all over town by its trail of dripping
death. People would give it a wide berth because it smelled like a malatov
cocktail. (At least it no longer needed an air freshner. Nothing could have
hid the over powering smell of gas.)
Now get this. The hole was on the TOP of the tank. Yes the TOP. How the
hell did it get there? The top of the tank is below the trunk. This means
you have to go throw two or three layers of steel (well rust okay I'll give
it that.) Was this yet another attempt on the editors life? Are once again
the forces of the AntiChrist on the prowl? (Okay so the car has more holes
in it than those used drug boats Elvis is always buying at government
auction.) What sort of insidious weapon could have punched a hole in the gas
tank and left no other visible signs? Only an insidious orbiting laser
beam platform and we all know who's got a few of those laying around. You
know the ones, THEM. No not the cattle mutilators. No not the guys in the
black helicopters. Them. The hurricane makers. The ones who make dry up
perfectly full containers of roll on deodorant on a lark.
I've probably spoken out of turn there so I should stop. No need to give
our humble viewers a case of the whim-whams.
The other excuse beside it being September, was Purps is finally on the
internet for real. We have two nodes at the moment with full blow internet
access. We are trying to switch purps over to a listserver. This means no
more slow mail. Lord knows what else this means, vague murmurs of muds and
such for example. Preach-O-Rama's and of course a total absence of virtual
yak tossing. That's simply out. [By the way all the old addresses work and
are probably still preferred for the moment. The editors have always found a
certain charm in doing the computer stuff by hand so the listserver will
mostly be to send out masses of mail fast.]
So basically if you look closely you should see that this issue is coming
from something like hailotis@sit.sop.fau.edu and sort of leapt into your
lap with a sonic boom instead of oozing into your account like creeping
damp.
It's an experiment too so if you get 10 copies of these or only 1/2 it's
not my fault. It's a computer error and you can shake your fist at the sky
and shout obscenities at THEM.
Now that I've taken care of why this issue is so late and how you should
rejoice we need to move onto another grimmer topic.
That topic we must face, like a bad hair day is none other than LACK OF
ATTENDANCE AT PREACH-O-RAMAS! Come on folks! This is IRC! Everyone and their
yak does IRC. At least 1000 people are on there at a time. Most of these
people have never heard of Otis. A Preach-O-Rama is a time to spread the
world of Otis to the masses. It's also a fantastic time to sit down and
get to know the church elders. You can watch them discuss intimate details
of their personal lives right in front of your noses. Learn how to boil
spaghetti perfectly ever time. Discover exactly how many word searches the
average Polish scientist does in a single day at the lab. Thrill to the
secrets passed along about the obscure customs of Japanese tourists. And
most of all, discover the condition of poor Arch Bis Chad after that
terrible accident with the Pope's bicycle pump.
Seriously PREACH-O-RAMAS are a whole heck of a lot of fun. A lot of new
Otisian dogma is discovered there. It's your chance to surf with the big
boys and end up inside an issue of purps. It's almost like submitting
things.
Anyway, there will be another PREACH-O-RAMA Sunday the 26 at 2:00 Eastern
Standard Time. It's on channel #OTIS. Why not join in on the fun? [Was that
a good enough chastisement oh mighty Pope?]
Oh by the third elbow of Juan Botton the Elder! I almost forgot. Take a look
at the top of this issue. Notice the Volume number? Yes this is the start
of the 4th year of the Purple Thunder Bolt of Spode! We've been going 3
years already and it's only gotten better and better. How many other
journals of this nature have been going on for this long? [Look for our
upcoming listing in a random house book publication.] You should all swell
up with pride at the mere fact we've managed to be around this long and
still be going as strongly as ever. [Yeah yeah I know. It should be a
special issue, but this is what you get. Sorry. Maybe we can make the next
one be more special.]
A quick history. For about the first year of Purps, it was run out of
Kenyon College by the Noble Pope himself. Then he graduated and Mal took
over editorship. Mal has been editing it ever since. Back in those days
there were maybe 50 or 60 subscribers, most of them from Kenyon. Now a days
we have over 200. I can't give an accurate figure because the subscription
list and the number of copies distributed are not the same. A single issue
mailed out by HailOtis might be mailed out 10 or so times by one of those
addresses. This whole Purps has always astonished me considered we have no
real official sanction by anyone. It just tends to happen. HAIL OTIS! Sure
the editor just happens to be a network manager and is god/king/emperor of
a bunch of machines. Other publications have official sanctions by
organization and universities. They appear in official publications. Purps
just accidentally ends up here and there for some reason. People have heard
of other publications, but for some queer ball reason they never end up in
international listings of journals. Otis really smiles on us and opens doors
and gateways which should be closed to us. One of the lessons we've learned
is always give out purps to anyone who remotely is interested or looking
for material. Now it's especially important because the world as a whole is
discovering the idea of electronic journals. Purps is an astonishing
journal because of what is does and how it operates. There's no like it and
I doubt there were will be one of them again.
Finally, for those of you who have sent in submissions. Keep them coming.
A lot of these are from July and August. Your's may appear in later
issues.
####===================================================================####
Papal Ponderings
####===================================================================####
Papal Pondering #8 by Pope Jephe I, IGHF, 955 Massachusetts Ave. #209,
Cambridge, MA 02139-9183
This week-- Spring Cleaning
Being a staunch observer of the week we here at the IGHF worshiped "things
hideously overdue, I waited until THIS week to do my Spring cleaning.
Having just (barely) emerged successfully from long battle with the Things
that live in my closet space (OTIS, just because they've been there since
the Dawn o' Time they think they OWN the place), I have a pile of stuff
which I do not want to throw away, but am willing to give away. It
includes the following:
1. 16 past issues of the OTISian Yellow Pages (#s 2+4)
2. Two past issues of the OTISian Directory (Spring, '92)
3. THOUSANDS of used 4,000 Zloty tickets for the Warsaw bus.
4. Eight and one half million dollars (US Currency)
5. More Italian and German coins than I know what do do with.
6. Three never before used (in original, unopened packages) foam
Lobster Party Hats (worthy, trust me in this, of Archie McPhee).
7. Edwina, the Rubber Chicken
Items 1-3 inclusive and no/s five and six will be given away on a first
come, first served basis. Item 4, is, of course, an utter fib, and should
teach you (have you not learned it already) to never trust a Pope.
Item seven is a special case. Edwina was my "backup" rubber Chicken back
in the days when I was (footloose and fancy free), cruising around Europe,
the Middle East and Africa, dropping her sister (Edna) from atop such
famous precipices as Glastonbury Tor, Various Cupola's in Oxford, Koln
Catherderal, the steps of St. Peter's in Rome, the leaning tower of Pisa,
the Great Pyramids in Egypt, the bridge over the Grand Canal in Venice,
anywhere you can think of in Israel and Palestine, and the roof of the
Peace Corps Hostel in Niamey. Edna was also held aloft in front of the
Pieta, Michaelanegelo's "David", the Sistine Chapel, the window that OTHER
Pope speaks from, the bit of the garden of Getsemane that falls in the
grounds of the Russian Orthodox Church of Mary Magdeline (some Dominican
Monks were actually helping me climb one of the hundred-year-old olive
trees, in order to get Edna airborne, when the the aging Russian
proprietress gave us a good talking to in lousy English, and , I am told,
worse Italian), and in front of many confused customs agents in Kano,
Nigeria.
Obviously Edwina, although she's never been aloft (alas), has great
sentimental value (partly because, Edna is nearly exhausted at this point).
So I don't want to give her away; I just think she should get out more.
So, anyone who is willing to "host" Edwina for a week or so, taking
pictures of her (or drawings, poems about, statues... hey, you name the
media; I'm not picky) being thrown from/held aloft in the name of OTIS
before great and famous things, people, places, and mailing copies of the
documentation back to me (along with Edwina, when you've finished), is
hereby encouraged to drop me an e-mail message at:
Jstevens@world.std.com
Including a brief description of how long you need Edwina and just what you
intend to do with her.
Bear in mind that I will give priority to people living in places that Edna
never made it to, i.e. anywhere that is NOT:
Washington, D.C.
Boston
England
Koln, Rotenberg, Heidleberg, Germany
Venice, Rome, Pisa, Florence, Italy
Niamey, Republic of Niger
Kano, Nigeria
Israel/Palestine
Scotland (well, Edinburgh, at least)
OK?
I will take all the accounts of Edwina's voyages and publish them in a nice
full color (Boston has el-cheapo color xeroxes now...) perfect bound
booklet, just as soon as she has journeyed far enough to merit a travelogue
of this type.
Nunc Scriptsi pro OTISo, da mihi potum--
"Pope" Jephe I
of the IGHF
Incidentally, Edwina has never been to Australia or Poland....
HAIL OTIS!
####===================================================================####
Wiretap
####===================================================================####
Date: Thu, 15 Jul 1993 14:31:58 -0400
From: aj478@yfn.ysu.edu (Daniel H. Chadwick)
Subject: Overheard by my telephone wiretap
<ring...ring...ri..>
"Hello?"
"Hello, is Mr. Rittman there?"
"Yes, this is he."
"Mr. Rittman, I represent a firm of fine furniture importers known
as the Import-Export Company of the Gods. We've had some very famous
clients...why, Zeus himself came to us! Said he wanted his temple redecorated
in a contemporary neo-60's retrofit."
"But..."
"Yes, I know what you're going to say. You do not represent that
pantheon. We have been informed that you represent the Intergalactic
House of Fruitcakes, worshipping one OTIS, the ancient Sumerian god of
life. Now, we..."
"But I..."
"...are aware that OTIS is not a usual part of this culture, but your
organization's efforts seem to be bringing his worship back into popularity.
I should think..."
"I don't..."
"that after all these years in obscurity, OTIS would want to re-
decorate some of his sacred places. I'd imagine he'd want SOMETHING new.
Now, what should I put you down for? We have a lovely 7-piece bedroom
set, just perfect for the deity that..."
"I'M NOT IN THE INTERGALACTIC HOUSE OF FRUITCAKES!!!!!"
--
"You're not??"
"NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Oh. Good day then."
<click>
####===================================================================####
Mind Control Aliens
####===================================================================####
From: aj478@yfn.ysu.edu (Daniel H. Chadwick)
Subject: Latest update on mind control aliens on YFN
Date: 19 Jul 1993 18:00:31 GMT
Conspiracy theorists have found that all of this controversy over YFN's
mind control alien nature are founded on clabbered milk entering the
bloodstream of the internet. Mind control aliens do exist on YFN, but they
are purple paisley, not Supreme Court justices as previously claimed.
Also, the National Enquirer is actually put out by similar nmind control
space alien Illuminati who want to make the alien presence on Earth SEEM
ridiculous so that no one will take it seriously. And by the
----
time they do, it'll be too late. Further updates will come through as
my spirit guide whispers them over the barrier from the eighteenth dimension.
And remember: always be oregano.
####===================================================================####
Sheep Majorities
####===================================================================####
Date: Mon, 19 Jul 1993 14:27:59 -0400
From: aj478@yfn.ysu.edu (Daniel H. Chadwick)
Subject: Sheep majorities
According to the Book of Lists, here are the population figures for
16 countries around the world 20 years ago:
SHEEP HUMANS
1. Australia 145,304,000 13,339,000
2. New Zealand 55,883,000 2,726,000
3. South Africa 31,000,000 24,920,000
4. Peru 17,300,000 15,383,000
5. Iraq 15,500,000 10,765,000
6. Uruguay 15,373,000 3,028,000
7. Mongolia 14,077,000 1,403,000
8. Yemen 11,600,000 3,730,000
9. Bulgaria 9,765,000 8,679,000
10. Namibia 4,400,000 692,000
11. Ireland 3,999,000 3,086,000
12. Somalia 3,906,000 3,090,000
13. Libya 3,200,000 2,346,000
14. Mauritania 2,800,000 1,290,000
15. Lesotho 1,600,000 1,016,000
16. Iceland 846,000 215,000
"And the sheep shall inherit the earth"
####===================================================================####
MICROSOFT AND THE BAVARIAN ILLUMINATI
####===================================================================####
Date: Tue, 20 Jul 93 00:31:39 MDT
From: iverson@NMSU.Edu
Date: Mon, 19 Jul 1993 09:56:11 +0800
From: Jon.Cooke@eng.sun.com
Subject: MICROSOFT AND THE BAVARIAN ILLUMINATI
Forwarded without permission of the author, whoever they may be.
>From a message originating within Microsoft.
---------------------------------------------------
MICROSOFT AND THE BAVARIAN ILLUMINATI
"The chessboard is the world, the
pieces are the phenomena of the
universe, the rules of the game
are the laws of nature. The
player on the other side is
hidden from us."
-- Thomas Henry Huxley
"In every grain of wheat there
lies hidden the soul of a star."
-- Arthur Machen
"The Old Ones were, the Old Ones
are and the Old Ones will be...
not in the spaces we know of,
but _between_ them ... Yog-Sothoth
is the Gate."
-- Abd al-Hazred, _Al Azif_
"All perception is inferential; all
inference uncertain; all theory,
a combination of perception and
inference, is therefore educated
guessing."
-- de Selby, _Golden Hours_, I, 93
These days most people have heard of Microsoft Corporation, and its
founder Bill Gates. The majority of computers in use today use Microsoft
system software, and those that do not often run applications from
Microsoft. However, few people know the true story behind the rise of
Microsoft and even fewer suspect the terrible cosmic secrets that are
concealed beneath the facade of a successful software company.
In the Object Linking and Embedding 2.0 Programmer's Reference there is a
very curious term. On page 78, the second paragraph starts with the
sentence, "In the aggregation model, this internal communication is
achieved through coordination with a special instance of an Unknown
interface known as the /controlling unknown/ of the aggregate." The term
"controlling unknown" is a very interesting choice of words. It is not the
most intuitively obvious term for what it is describing (a base class used
for implementing an object-oriented data exchange/embedding system).
A term strikingly similar to "controlling unknown" was the term "unknown
superiors", used by many occult secret societies. These included the Strict
Observance Masonic lodge, whose members were sometimes referred to as
"illuminati", and which had some connection with Adam Weishaupt's order.
"Unknown superiors" is a term that refers to non-corporeal or superhuman
agencies in command of secret societies or mystery cults. Such an agency is
frequently known as the "inner head" of an order of organization, as
opposed to the outer head, who is human.
Organizations that claimed or were claimed to be commanded by such "unknown
superiors" include the Ordo Templi Orientis of Aleister Crowley and the
Knights Templar, whose Inner Head was apparently a being named Baphomet.
Apart from the term "controlling unknown", another hint at the secrets
behind Microsoft is the fact that Microsoft Windows has a limit of _five_
window device contexts. Five is a decidedly odd number for such an
application, being neither a power of two nor one less than a power of two,
but let us not forget Adam Weishaupt's discovery of the Law of Fives in the
Necronomicon*.
Few people for sure how many buildings there are in the Microsoft campus
in Redmond, WA. No maps of the entire facility are known to exist. Some
Microsoft employees put the estimate at six or three. An article in an
Australian newspaper has claimed that there are 22 buildings. That is
partly true; however, there is another building, hidden from the public and
even from most Microsoft employees. The twenty-third building, or Building
7, is pentagonal in shape; its exact location is known only to five people
(of whom Bill Gates may be one), however it is believed that the building
is accessible from elsewhere in the Microsoft campus by a secret passage.
What is in the five sided building is not known. However, it is believed
that the contents of Building 7 are of a supernatural nature. Apart from
the Pentagon, there was a similar five-sided building in Nazi Germany. This
has been carefully kept hidden from the public. One hypothesis is that
Building 7 is inhabited by, or used to communicate with, the Inner Head, or
"controlling unknown". The identity of the Outer Head is unknown. Bill
Gates may be the Outer Head, a high initiate of the conspiracy or just a
figurehead whose purpose it is to divert attention.
To fully understand this history, or whatever of it may be understood by
human minds, one must have some knowledge of the history and origins of the
Illuminati. Little is known about the Illuminati, but what is known is that
the Illuminati can be definitely traced back to 1776.
On Walpurgis night 1776, five men met in a cavern deep beneath
Ingolstadt, Bavaria. There they invoked some sort of supernatural beings
and made contact with the Unknown Superiors. The following day, one of
these five men proclaimed the foundation of the Ancient Illuminated Seers
of Bavaria, using the name "Adam Weishaupt", which means "the first man to
know the Superiors".
Although the Illuminati were officially disbanded in 1785, they did not
disappear; throughout the past 200 years, they have been observing the
profane world carefully, and occasionally intervening (as they did in
Sarajevo in 1914, St. Petersburg in 1917, Manhattan in 1929 (to divert
attention from a rather unpleasant affair off the coast of New England) and
Dallas in 1963 to name a few cases. Their contacts with the Unknown
Superiors continued in specially constructed buildings, originally in
Germany but later in Washington. During the 1920s and 1930s there occurred
a potential problem; a young writer named Howard Phillips Lovecraft
published many stories which contained allegories to Illuminated history
(for example, Joseph Curwen's invocation of "Yogge-Sothothe" in an
underground complex in the 18th century). It is believed that Lovecraft's
father was a Grand Orient Freemason. The Illuminati, however, persuaded
Lovecraft to join their cause and faked his death in 1937 (Have you ever
wondered why his grave is not marked?) Another incident occurred on Octobr
21, 1967, when occultists attempted to "raise" the Pentagon; they were
given permission to approach it but prevented from completely encircling
it. However, in 1975, a crisis developed that threatened the very
foundation of the Illuminati.
A book, claiming to be a fantasy novel, appeared. This book was mostly
fiction; however, it hinted at the secrets of the Illuminati (even going as
far as using Lovecraft's term "Yog-Sothoth" for the Unknown Superior). To
this day it is not known whether the authors were renegade Illuminati or
whether the information was acquired from informers within the
organization. The book was called Illuminatus!
Immediately, the Illuminati convened an emergency meeting in Cesme,
Turkey. There they discussed a contingency plan to restructure the
organization and to move the Pentacle of Invocation to a new location. They
decided on setting up a small computer company in one of the smaller cities
of the United States as a front. That year, Microsoft Corporation was
founded.
But why did the Illuminati select a software company and not, say, a
company that manages investments or makes kitchen appliances? The answer
lies in symbolism (Perhaps because of their involvement in mystic arts
such as the Cabala, the Illuminati have always had an affinity for
symbolism). There is a recurring legend about a device in the form of a
human head which could answer yes/no questions (some link this device to
the Knights Templar and their god Baphomet; others claim that Pope
Sylvester, who lived in the tenth century, brought such an object back from
India, where he met the "Nine Unknown Men"). This device is extremely
suggestive of a computer of some sort, and if it did exist in anything more
than hermetic allegory, it could not have been manufactured by any human
civilization of the time whose existence is known. Hence, the Illuminati
decided to use a computer company as a front.
It has been already speculated that the name of the founder, Bill Gates,
is a code much as "Adam Weishaupt" was a code. Apart from being the name of
a magician in Aleister Crowley's novel, "Moonchild", Gates is a reference
to the Unknown Superior and the gateway between ordinary reality and the
Invisible World; Lovecraft himself referred to Yog-Sothoth as "the Gateless
Gate". By the same token, IBM can be said to stand not for "International
Business Machines" but rather for "Iacobus Burgundus Molensis", or Jacques
de Molay, the last overt Grand Master of the Knights Templar, whose name
was borrowed by the Bavarian Illuminati for one of their ciphers. One must
also not forget that a Microsoft network administration tool currently
under development is named Hermes, after the god of alchemy, and that a
line in Umberto Eco's novel, _Foucault's Pendulum_ reads, quite clearly,
"Microsoft-Hermes".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* Some sources claim that the copy of the Necronomicon which Adam Weishaupt
owned was the von Junzt German translation; this, however, is unlikely, as
von Junzt lived in the nineteenth century. The Necronomicon involved was
probably either Olaus Wormius' Latin edition or the original Arabic, as the
details of the illustrations would attest.
####===================================================================####
Filth Levels
####===================================================================####
Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1993 14:12:41 -0400
From: aj478@yfn.ysu.edu (Daniel H. Chadwick)
Subject: 11 Food Products and their Filth Levels (Book of Lists, 1977)
According to the Public Health Service of the Food and Drug
Administration, the following "defect levels" are not to be exceeded if the
products are made available for human consumption. Anything at these
levels or below is considered ACCEPTABLE for public sale in the U.S.
1. ASPARAGUS (canned or frozen)
Ten percent of spears infested with six asparagus beetle eggs;
either 40 thrips or five insects in 100-gram samples.
2. CHOCOLATE; CHOCOLATE LIQUOR
Up to 60 microscopic insect fragments per 100-gram sample or up
to 100 fragments in one sample; or an average of 1.5 rodent hairs in
each sample or up to 4 hairs in any one sample.
3. COFFEE BEANS
Ten percent insect infested, damaged, or molded
4. FIG PASTE
Thirteen insect heads in two 100-gram samples
5. FISH (fresh frozen)
Five percent of fish or fillets with "definite odor of decomposition"
over 25% of fish area; or 20% of the fish fillets with "slight odor of
decomposition" over 25% of fish area.
6. HOPS
Average of 2,500 aphids per 100 grams
7. PEPPER
Average of 1% insect infested or mold by weight; or 1 milligram
of excreta per pound.
8. POPCORN
In six 10-oz. samples, either one rodent pellet or one rodent hair
per sample; two rodent hairs or 20 gnawed grains per pound with hairs in
50% of samples or 5% by weight of field corn in popcorn.
9. SPINACH (canned or frozen)
In 100-gram samples, either 50 aphid, thrips, or mites or eight
leaf miners; two spinach worms or 10% decomposition
10. STRAWBERRIES (frozen, whole, sliced)
Mold count of 55% in half of the samples.
11. TOMATO PASTE (pizza and other sauces)
In 100-gram samples, either 30 fly eggs, 15 eggs and one larva,
or two larvae; or mold count averaging 40% (30% for pizza sauce)
####===================================================================####
Oddities
####===================================================================####
Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1993 15:20:32 -0400
From: aj478@yfn.ysu.edu (Daniel H. Chadwick)
Subject: [THE PEOPLE's ALMANAC 15 Favorite Oddities of All Time]
(from THE BOOK OF LISTS, 1977)
1. COINCIDENCE
On December 5, 1664, the first in a great series of coincidences in
history occurred. On this date, a ship in the Menai Strait, off North
Wales, sank with 81 passengers on board. There was one survivor-- a man
names Hugh Williams. On the same date in 1785, a ship sank with 60
passengers aboard. There was one survivor--a man named Hugh Williams. On
the very same date in 1860, a ship sank with 25 passengers on board. There
was one survivor--a man named Hugh Williams.
2. THE MOST REALISTIC MOVIE IN HISTORY
In 1914, a Hollywood motion-picture company signed a contract with
Mexican revolutionary leader Pancho Villa in which he agreed to fight his
revolution according to the studio's scenario in return for $25,000. The
Hollywood crew went down to Mexico and joined Villa's guerilla force. The
director told Pancho Villa where and how to fight his battles. The
cameraman, since he could only shoot in daylight, made Pancho Villa start
his fighting every day at 9:00 AM and stop at 4:00 PM--sometimes forcing
Villa to cease his real warring until the camera could be moved to a new
angle. When the completed film was brought back to Hollywood, it was found
to be too unbelievable to be released--and most of it had to be reshot on
the studio lot.
3. THE ABYSSINIAN ELECTRIC CHAIR
On August 6, 1890, the first electric chair in history was put into use
in the death chamber of Auburn Prison in New York. In distant
Abyssinia--now called Ethiopia--Emperor Menelik II (1844-1913) heard about
it and decided that this new method of execution should become part of his
modernization plan for his country. Immediately, he put in an order for
three electric chairs from the American manufacturer. When the chairs
arrived and were unpacked, the emperor was mortified to learn they wouldn't
work--Abyssinia had no electricity. Determined that his investment not be
completely wasted, Emperor Menelik adopted one of the electric chairs for
his imperial throne.
4. GANGSTER JOHN DILLINGER DIED BEFORE THE FBI KILLED HIM
America's Public Enemy No. 1 John Dillinger, with a $10,000 reward on
his head, died peacefully under anesthetic 26 days before FBI agent Melvin
Purvis and fellow agents shot him down outside the Biograph Theater in
Chicago on July 22, 1934. Dillinger had gone to Drs. Wilhelm Loeser and
Harold B. Cassidy and paid them $5,000 to alter his facial features and get
rid of his fingerprints. Given an overdose of ether, Dillinger died during
the operation. Said FBI director J. Edgar Hoover, "It was only through
prompt action on the part of Loeser that he was resuscitated."
5. THE MOST INCREDIBLE ENGINEER IN THE WORLD
Oddity hunter John Hix told one of the authors of this book about the
world's most incredible engineer: "A 300-ft. suspension bridge of old junk,
across the Snake River, in Wyoming, was engineered by Charles McCrary, a
traveling odd-job man, who had never seen such a structure in his life. A
postcard picture of the San Francisco Bay Bridge served as the blueprint.
And though government engineers said it would cost $10,000, it was built
for only $750."
6. THE MAN WHO DID NOT OWN HIS BODY
In 1890, a Swedish gentleman who was desperately in need of money
signed a contract with the Caroline Institute in Stockholm--a medical
academy that awards the Nobel Prize in medicine--promising its staff
doctors his body for dissection purposes after his death. In return, he
was given the cash he needed. In 1910, this same gentleman inherited a
large sum of money. Now he decided he did not want to leave his body for
dissection. He tried to buy back the contract from the doctors of the
institute. They refused to sell. The gentleman then sued the institute and
went to court. The gentleman not only lost the suit and future possession
of his body--but he had to pay damages to the institute's doctors because
he had had two of his teeth pulled without their permission.
7. THE POPE WHO ISSUED A DECREE AGAINST A COMET
On June 29, 1456, a date when Halley's comet could be seen in the sky
at night and mankind feared it could bring on a plague, famine, or some
other disaster, Pope Calixtus III, who had been enthroned for one year,
issued a papal bull or official decree against the comet. His decree asked
Christendom to pray that the comment--or symbol of "the anger of God" as he
put it--be fended off or that, as Bartolomeo Platina wrote in 1479, the
comet "be entirely diverted against the Turks, the foes of the Christian
name."
8. THE MYSTERY OF LITTLE MISS NOBODY
On July 6, 1944, the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey circus was
giving a performance in Hartford, Conn., before 7000 paid customers. A fire
broke out: 168 persons died in the blaze and 487 were injured. One of the
dead, a small girl thought to be six years old, was unidentified. Since no
one came to claim her, and since her face was unmarred, a photograph was
taken of her and distributed locally, then throughout the US. Days passed,
weeks and months passed, but no relative, no playmate, no one in the nation
came forward to identify her. She remains unknown to this day. (note:
since this came out, she has been identified and returned to her family)
9. THEY ROWED ACROSS THE ATLANTIC OCEAN
On June 6, 1897, Frank Samuelson, a 36-year-old American, and George
Harvo, a 31-year-old Norwegian, set out in a small open rowboat from New
York Harbor to row across the Atlantic Ocean. Their boat, the Richard K.
Fox, was 18 ft. long with a 5-ft. beam. Together, each at an oar, they
pulled constantly for 55 days, crossed the vast ocean, 3075 mi. in all, and
made it safely to St. Mary's in the Scilly Islands off southwest
England--an unbelievable achievement.
10. HE HAD A DREAM
John Wesley, the founder of Methodism, an evangelist who preached
40,000 sermons, left behind his Journal covering the years 1735-1790, much
of it written in an indecipherable code. No one in the years that followed
was able to solve the code. In 1909, Rev. Nehemiah Curnock, of Rayleigh,
England, was poking through a secondhand bookstore when he came across a
treasure--John Wesley's personal Bible, with marginal handwritten notes in
the same mysterious code. The reverend bought the Bible, studied it, then
forgot about it. One night, shortly after, while deep in sleep, Rev.
Curnock had a dream--he saw Wesley's Journal, and on one page the code was
deciphered. Waking, he had the key. Remembering his dream, he examined
Wesley's code writing in the Bible, and unlocked the mystery. He proceeded
to "translate" Wesley's Journal and published the results between 1909 and
1916 in four volumes.
11. THE CAVALRY THAT CAPTURED A FLEET OF SHIPS
The most famous instance of a company of cavalry actually defeating and
capturing a fleet of ships occurred in the Netherlands on January 20, 1795.
In that period, the French army was pitted against the Dutch, British,
and Austrians. French Gen. Charles Pichegru led his cavalry unit of
hussars into Amsterdam in freezing weather. He found the Dutch fleet off
the island of Texel, frozen into immobility by heavy ice. Gen. Pichegru
immediately ordered his horsemen over the ice-covered waters, overwhelmed
the Dutch ships and sailors, and captured them. With that, the Dutch
government surrendered.
12. FUNERAL FOR A FLY
Publius Vergilius Maro or Vergil (70-19 BC), the Roman poet known for
the Aeneid, one of the great epic poems in history, sponsored a lavish
funeral for a fly, a common housefly he claimed was a favorite pet. The
funeral ceremony was held in Vergil's splendid mansion on Esquiline Hill in
Rome. An orchestra was on hand to soothe the paid mourners. Many
celebrities attended, among them Vergil's patron, Maecenas, who gave a long
and moving eulogy to the fly. To cap it off, Vergil himself wrote several
poems for the occasion and read them. The fly was buried in a special
mausoleum. The entire extravaganza cost Vergil 800,000 sesterces--about
$100,000. What motivated this funeral to a fly? Two possibilities.
Vergil loved the bizarre, and this may have been an attention-getting
put-on. Or he may have known in advance that the government--the Second
Triumvirate of Octavius, Lepidus, and Mark Antony--planned to confiscate
the property of the rich and parcel it out to war veterans. One exception
was that no grounds containing burial plots were to be touched. When this
law came to pass, Vergil sought exemption because there was a mausoleum on
his land. Exemption was granted, and Vergil's fly had saved his master's
property.
13. HOW TO BECOME A WRITER
Victor Hugo (1802-1885), leading French romantic writer, normally
had little trouble producing such books as The Hunchback of Notre Dame and
Les Miserable. But sometimes he did run into difficulties and was tempted
to do other things than write. As such times he forced himself to work by
having his servant take away all of his clothes, with instructions not to
return them for several hours. Left with his own nude self, and pen and
paper, there was nothing to do but sit down and write.
14. THE WORLD SOLD AT AUCTION
In 193 AD, Rome dominated or controlled all of the so-called
civilized world. In that year, the Roman praetorian guard--the
12,000-member personal bodyguard of the Caesars--turned on the reigning
Emperor Pertinax and murdered him. To fill his seat, one guardsman
suggested that the leadership of Rome and the world be auctioned off. On
March 28, 193, the auction was held. There were two bidders. One was the
assassinated emperor's father-in-law. The other was the wealthiest senator
in Rome, 61-year-old Didius Julianus. After spirited bidding, Julianus won
the throne with a bid of 300 million sesterces. Didius Julianus was
unpopular with both the Senate and the public; his reign lasted only 66
days. The Roman general Severus in Pannonia, hearing of the infamous
auction, led his troops back to Rome, sought out the emperor, and had him
beheaded.
15. THOU SHALT NOT KILL
In the seventh century, the Toltecs, an agricultural people, moved
from northern Mexico down into the vicinity of Mexico City. In all of
history, there was never a people more civilized or humane. According to
the old histories, the Toltecs went to war with wooden swords-- so that
they would not kill their enemies.
####===================================================================####
Kmart Spaceman
####===================================================================####
From: John_-_Winston@cup.portal.com
Subject: Kmart Spaceman.
Date: Sun, 18 Jul 93 15:00:01 PDT
Subject: Spaceman Works At K-Mart.
It seems that we have a space person living in America now and his only
claim to fame is that he is a night shift clerk at K-mart. How high on the
social scale can you get? Here is some information about the man and
another person from space who is a space lady. ...Kmart store manager once
worked as a UFO engineer (JW I'll bet that looked good on his application).
Paul Wellmer, whose true name is Nommos, was born on the spaceship Monitor
74 Earth-years ago. He was among thousands of space aliens aboard the
starship, which came from the planet of TaoPao, an Earth-like world
situated in the Sirius B System of Constellation Canis Major. When his
spaceship crashed on this planet on June 18, 1946, the extraterrestrial
starship engineer survived by invading the body of a 2-month-old earthling
and taking his name. He has been living the life of a normal human ever
since, marrying and getting a job as a night clerk at Kmart in the small
town of Fredericktown, Mo.
Wellmer says on his native planet, his physical appearance is entirely
different.
"Our bodies can adapt to living on land or underwater because we have
gills within our lungs, two circulatory systems and two hearts," he said.
(JW Well I don't know much about him but I have read a lot about the next
lady I'm going to mention.)
Chicago house wife Omnec Onec is dying to meet space alien Paul
Wellmer-because she's an alien herself and she wants another
extraterrestrial to talk to!
The blonde mother of three-whose native planet is Venus-read an article
about Wellmer in the April 6, issue of the Weekly World News and admits she
was fascinated. She says she's aware of other space aliens living in this
country, but Wellmer-who lives in Fredericktown, Mo. -is not know to her
because he comes from outside our solar system.
"I would love for him to come see me in Chicago," said Omnec, whose book
UFO From Venus I Came sold out when it hit the bookstores two years ago.
There are so many solar systems, each with many planets, and I am not
familiar with every one. I would love to talk to him and learn about his
world."
Omnec went public about her alien origins in 1990, when she published her
book in an effort to teach earthlings about the brotherhood of planets. She
says she knows of more than 300 other aliens from Mars, Saturn, Venus and
Jupiter who occupy important positions in American society. Worldwide, she
says, there are more than 1,000.
Wellmer, who is called Nommos on his planet of ToePao, says he's also
eager for a space alien powwow.
"I have not read Omnec Omnec's book but it sounds like something I should
know about," he told the NEWS. "And I would definitely like to meet her. We
have much to talk about, I'm sure."
When Wellmer gets together with Omnec, it will be his first meeting on
Earth with another space alien. And the extraterrestrial admits he's been
lonely since the spaceship wreck separated him from others of his kind.
"A day doesn't go by that I don't wonder where my fellow crew members
are," he says.
"It's hard being the only one. I'm delighted to know that Omnec Onec
wants to get together."
Female extraterrestrial came to earth in 1955! Born 246 Earth
years ago. Omnec Onec was raised on the planet Venus in a town called
Teutonia. She lived on an astral plane-with out a physical body-until she
was instructed by her leaders to travel to earth with a message of peace
and brotherhood. Omnec says she was trained to live as a human in an
ancient monastery in Tibet. Eventually she was sent to live in Tennessee
with an earthling family, replacing a 7-year-old child who had died in a
bus wreck. She grew up, married and moved to Chicago, where she raised
three children. worked as a bar maid, a clothes designer and a cashier.
She revealed her true space alien nature in 1990, when she wrote and
published her best-selling book. Today she travels around the United States
and Europe, spreading a message of peace and brotherhood, as he was
instructed to do by Venusian leaders.
JW In the past I had read the first article about Omnec Omnec and had
gone over to Don Showen's house to talk to him about it. It just so
happened that he had a copy of her book and I obtained it from him.
Source of Material: Weekly World News July 20, 1990
John Winston.
####===================================================================####
Walkmans
####===================================================================####
Date: Sat, 24 Jul 1993 15:04:37 EDT
From: <AXM22@psuvm.psu.edu>
Subject: Hazardous Walkmans
On Mon, 28 Jun 1993 13:27:51 GMT, Richard Bornat <richard@dcs.qmw.ac.uk> wrote:
>Another one common in the UK press, which I guess wouldn't have been in the
>FAQ, is the mistaken-electric-shock-cure. Person is in the kitchen, seen by
>spouse to be jiggling about with a wire connecting them to some electrical
>appliance (in UK this is a toaster, of which all of us are mightily
>frightened). Spouse hits person with large piece of wood 'breaking their arm
>in two places' (giveaway phrase); person turns out to have been dancing to
>music from Walkman and lead was headphone lead. Seen it three times in the
>press this spring - sorry, didn't keep references. Person once in garage
>apparently attached to electric drill. Sorry if that's an old one.
I picked up the latest _Fortean Times_ [no. 69 (June-July 1993)] last night,
and there on p. 12 was the same story:
A woman came home to find her husband frantically shaking in the kitchen with
what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
She picked up a heavy piece of wood and smashed it into him to jolt him away
from the current, breaking his arm in two places. The she discovered that he
was listening to his Walkman and having a jig. Southport, Ormskirk, and Formby
Star, c. 7 Oct. 1992.
####===================================================================####
Unusual Problems
####===================================================================####
Date: Mon, 26 Jul 1993 13:58:11 -0400
From: aj478@yfn.ysu.edu (Daniel H. Chadwick)
Subject: Dear Abby's readers' 7 most unusual problems
ABIGAIL VAN BUREN'S READERS' 7 MOST UNUSUAL PROBLEMS
(Book of LIsts)
1. "I'm a bus driver and want some information on how to become a
shepherd." (perhaps we should proselytize this one as to the benefits of
yak herding?)
2. "I want to have a child but don't even have a boyfriend. Can you line
me up with somebody?"
3. "I hear there is life after death. If that is true, can you put me in
touch with my Uncle LeRoy Albert from Victoria, Tex.?"
4. "Will you please send me all the information you have on the rhythm
method? I'm learning how to dance."
5. "I'm a 50-year-old widow and my doctor says I need a husband or the
equivalent. Would it be all right if I borrowed my sister's husband? It's
all right with them."
6. "My husband burns the hair out of his nose with a lighted match. And he
thinks I'm crazy because I voted for Goldwater."
7. "I can't trust my husband. He cheats so much I'm not even sure my last
baby is HIS."
####===================================================================####
Fun in Florida
####===================================================================####
[Yes all those reports you see in the papers about Florida are true. In
fact they barely scrape the surface at what a warped and twisted state this
really is. If you can't afford a trip to another planet why not try
Florida.]
Date: Thu, 29 Jul 93 09:13:44 MDT
From: iverson@NMSU.Edu
Subject: Fun in Florida
GAINESVILLE, Fla. (UPI) -- Seven Gainesville musicians who say they
were only singing have petitioned the state attorney to drop trespassing
charges from a July 17 arrest.
Members of the unconventional a capella singing group Sumac were
arrested after seven officers and two police dogs listened to their
``yipping, chanting, and moaning'' inside a four-wall racquetball court
at a public park.
Gainesville Police Department spokesman Sgt. Don Dennis said one
officer ``thought it was some type of religious ceremony.''
Sumac leader Jill Burton, 40, said group members liked the acoustics
of the enclosed racquetball court and were unaware the park had an 11:30
p.m. curfew.
Burton said the police were polite but overreacted.
------------------------------
Police Chase Goes On And On
(Tampa, Florida) -- Authorities say a 118-mile police chase through
Florida for a robbery suspect was "just a pleasant drive through the
country."
The chase Friday rarely exceeded the speed limit and everyone obeyed the
traffic signals. Sheriff's deputies didn't want to cause an accident.
A spokesman for the sheriff of Hillsborough County says "they were just
driving around like it was a parade."
The chase lasted an hour and 37 minutes. Officers had to stop for gas
twice.
The chase finally ended near the Tampa suburb of Brandon, when an
annoyed deputy pulled alongside the suspect and shouted, "All right,
that's enough now, pull over!" [AP]
[Tonight on the news they just has a 30 minute chase in South Florida.]
####===================================================================####
The Queen Speaks
####===================================================================####
Date: Fri, 30 Jul 1993 08:19:04 HKT
From: LBSPODIC@usthk.ust.hk
Subject: FWD: RE: A message from H.M. The Queen (fwd)
Date: Thu, 29 Jul 1993 07:13:49 EDT
From: Bob Zenhausern <DRZ@stjohns.edu>
Subject: Re: A message from H.M. The Queen
Great Britain was the first country to issue a postage stamp and it seems
appropriate that Queen Elizabeth was the first Head of State to issue an
Internet message. It is even more heartening that the message was in
support of the Nets for children with special needs. Tom Holloway and
Pat Davidson of Chatback UK deserve our special thanx.
----------------------------Original message----------------------------
Your Majesty, thank you for your message sent by Adam and John.
(Pat Davidson, Projects Manager, Chatback.
During this visit to the Whitefield Centre I have been
heartened to see the emphasis placed upon helping young
people towards independence by the use of technology.
Through John and Adam, who are using this computer to write
and send this letter for me, I send greetings to the many
children world-wide who are being helped and encouraged to
play a full part in the world.
Elizabeth R.
####===================================================================####
Elvis
####===================================================================####
From: shabbir@panix.com (Shabbir J. Safdar)
Subject: I saw ELVIS in TOKYO!
Date: 31 Jul 93 13:13:19 GMT
I was in a bar called MoTown In the Roppongi section of Tokyo last week.
Elvis was there in the back, flanked by a group of women who I presume
were his backup singers. When they started playing his songs on the
bar's sound system, they backed him up perfectly, while he sang and
gyrated. I got his autograph.
-Shabbir
####===================================================================####
And More Elvis
####===================================================================####
From: mcbride@is.rice.edu (Doug McBride)
Subject: Elvis in the news
Date: Wed, 28 Jul 1993 20:32:32 GMT
DALLAS (UPI) -- An author and record producer who claims to have proof
that rock and roll star Elvis Presley is alive has filed a federal
lawsuit in Dallas against Elvis Presley Enterprises for saying that The
King is dead.
Retired Air Force Maj. Bill Smith, who wrote the book ``Memphis
Mystery: Elvis, the Man and the Myth,'' says Presley faked his Aug. 17,
1977 death and ran off to live in seclusion, free from the burden of
being a star.
Smith says he has had frequent telephone conversations with Presley
and that Elvis Presley Enterprises violated his civil rights by holding
a monopoly on Presley memorabilia and interfering with the successful
marketing of his book.
Officials from Elvis Presley Enterprises said they were unaware of
the lawsuit.
``This lawsuit and my book are what will bring Elvis Aron Presley
back to the world,'' said Smith, adding that God told him to file the
lawsuit.
####===================================================================####
Texas vs Sodomy
####===================================================================####
Date: Wed, 4 Aug 93 00:04:35 MDT
From: iverson@NMSU.Edu
Subject: Texas vs. Sodomy
"Profiles in Courage" from the Progressive Molly Ivins
"The seventy-third session of the Texas legislature is pretty much
typified by the following Warren Chisum story, Representative Chisum being
the Bible-thumping dwarf from Pampa who has added such je ne sais quoi to
the proceedings this year.
"The Texas Senate had a rare moment of courage early in the session
when it voted to remove homosexual sodomy from the revised version of the
penal code. All were astonished. There vision made its way over to the
House, where Chisum promptly rose and introduced an amendment to reinstate
the damn thing. The Housies were afraid everyone would think they were
queer if the didn't vote for Chisum's amendment, so they did.
"Then some scholar explained to Chisum that unless he reinstated
the ban on heterosexual sodomy as well, the law would be declared
unconstitutional. So Chisum promptly got up and did just that.
"Whereupon we had one of the more bizarre debates in the history of
the Lege, with assorted avant-garde members rising at the back mike to say,
approximately, 'Uh, Warren, uh, suppose I am in bed with my lawfully wedded
spouse and I, like, kind of misaim and wind up in the wrong hole. You
don't want to send me to prison for that, do you?'
"Chisum would stoutly reply, 'Yes, I do. It's against nature and
the Bible.'
"So the Housis were afraid everyone would think they were perverts
if they didn't vote for it, and they did. Chisum then shook hands with his
ally, Talmadge Heflin of Houston, in celebration of this double triumph,
and the Speaker had to send the sergeant-at-arms over to reprimand them
both.
"Because under Chisum's own amendments, it's illegal for a prick to
touch an asshole in this state."
####===================================================================####
Elevator Problems
####===================================================================####
>Date: Thu, 05 Aug 1993 14:06:21 -0400 (EDT)
>From: GARBETT@utkvx.utk.edu
>
>HELP!!!! The problems with the OTIS elevators is getting worse. Every since
>that last E-Mail I sent about them I can't get one to come to our floor.
>I push the buttons and they don't light up. The elevators that open for
>other people close before I can get to them. I want to go home soon and I'm
>getting worried. I'm running low on Aluminum foil also.
>
>Signed,
>
>Deeply concerned.
>
Well I did forward your messages to the Pope in hopes he could give you an
official answer. Sad to say he's off having tea again or something of that
nature.
From what I can see there are two reasons the elevators are behaving that
way. One you are bad and two you are good.
For the bad side of things probably you've not been doing a good job of
following the all important "send us money" commandment. Rumor has it that
these latest heat waves have really upped the electricity bill on the House
of Blue Light. Also have you ever considered how much it takes to cool a
100 foot high step pyramid built out of brick?
Perhaps you may have committed another act as well. Lusting after Otis for
example. If Arani catches sight of such things she goes on the way path.
The good side of course is that the elevator is behaving that way to bring
you to your neighbors attention. Soon they will be asking questions about
you and it will be your time to shine. Don't put your light under a bushel.
Belt out those 4 important Otisian commandments. Tell them an ancient
Otisian parable. Pass around the hat. Convert a few to the faith. Perhaps
there is a quota of new converts you need to make before the elevator will
function again.
Of course maybe you need a disguise to get into the elevator. Consider a
fez. Of if one of those is not present perhaps a brown bucket from the
janitors closet will do the trick. If that doesn't work find an old bath
mat and disguise yourself as a yak. If that doesn't work try shaving off
all your body hair and pretend to be a shaved yak.
Of course aluminium foil may all be part of this problem as well. Perhaps
if you had more of it you'd be able to shield yourself well enough from the
telepath scanning of the elevator. Besides foil you can also use beer cans
and gum wrappers. Certain computer parts have aluminium in them as well.
With the beer cans it helps if you drink all the beer they contained. This
seemed to amplify the effect greatly especially if you consume several six
packs in order to cover your entire body. With gum chewing will also help.
Lately they've been running a commercial about how important chewing gum
is. This is of course an important message to us all. If we chew enough gum
we'll have enough gum wrappers to shield us from the Zakinthians rays.
Last of all are you sure this is really an Otis elevator? Have you checked
the label carefully? Maybe under it it says something else. Or perhaps it
really is a _ Otis elevator. Where the _ used to say B. If that's the case
you'd better use the stairs or climb down the building in a batman like
fashion.
As has been said before. Many things in life are a test. This appears to
be one of them. Don't be afraid to improvise or make a complete ass of
yourself. It's all done in the name of Otis. The only thing you need to
avoid is any jumping about if you are disguised as a yak. Any imitation
of yak tossing in any way shape or some is strictly forbidden. If you must
toss something about or imitate being tossed about dress as a Pope or even
a sacred rubber chicken.
Is there a vending machine near by? If so try sacrificing some of its
edibles to the elevator. Try fruit salad then twinkies. If you see the
twinkies being taken by small furry hands you don't have an Otis problem
but something perhaps far worse. Chances are from then on on you will need
to toss twinkies into the elevator each time before you use it as a sort of
toll.
If none of the above helps more drastic measures may be needed. If you see
brown furry hands and the elevator still refuses to work with the addition
of more twinkies try grape soda. The cheaper the better. If you hear any
strange noises from the elevator. Do not listen to them. Lord knows what
they could do to your brain if you followed THEIR instructions.
Try ancient Sumerian methods. Find a sheep and read it's entrails. If you
can't find a sheep try a pig. If no pig try long pig.
Above all. Do not panic. And remember prayer always helps. Especially if
you've sent your money into the IGHF and received a set of secret prayers.
Mal
####===================================================================####
Otis Hair Cuts
####===================================================================####
Date: Mon, 9 Aug 1993 20:51:15 -0400 (EDT)
From: Jeffrey Stevens <jstevens@world.std.com>
> Date: Sat, 7 Aug 1993 16:43:54 -0400
> From: ae705@yfn.ysu.edu (Mark Corroto)
> To: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
> Subject: Re: Purps 52
>
> How can I get an OTIS or is it A OTIS haircut
>
> FaGaGaGa
Hello Mal, Scott, FaGaGaGa:
Would have answered all these questions sooner but for the big PR
campaign Preacher Tim seems to have started for me.
He's decided I should go to Colorado around the same time as the
other Pope in what I suspect will be a vain bid to confuse people into
pledging to the wrong faith. Hail OTIS!
OTIS is NOT a haircut. Shame. OTIS is a way of life. This can be
confusing since some haircuts are seen as ways of life (e.g. the Fab Four,
Sting), but only to the uninitiated. It can also be confusing since many
of the same people who tell you to get religion also want you to get a
haircut.
FOUR SIMPLE WAYS TO TELL OTIS FROM A HAIRCUT
1. A haircut is only a haircut. OTIS is a god/dess.
2. If you pray to a haircut, very little will happen. If
you pray to OTIS (s)he might actually answer.
3. OTIS is more expensive than a haircut. Around here a
haircut costs around $8.00. To keep OTIS happy, you will have
to send him/her everything you own.
4. The Pope has never had a decent haircut, but he has
always had a spiffy looking OTIS.
####===================================================================####
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
####===================================================================####
