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***************************THE BACK ISSUES**********************************
**********************PARTS SEVENTY-SIX TO EIGHTY***************************
(Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)
(Send e-mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu)
_______________________________________________________________________________
Yeti Toxic Custard Duel
*************** *** TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES Number 76
**** *** ******* Monday 23rd December 1991
**** *** *** **** Written by Daniel Bowen
*** **** **** vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au
*** ********---------------------------------------------
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... H
Christmas. Christ knows where the idea of Christmas came from. Jesus? o
What kind of peace-loving poof was he anyway? You know where Jesus
would have come in handy? Working at McDonald's. One wave of his hand.. h
and bingo! Two hundred Filet'o'Fishes, piping hot. "Enjoy your meal, o
brother, and have a good life. Oh, I see that you are one of the meek.
Here, have one of our complimentary 'Inherit The Earth' special offer h
coupons." o
But how on Earth did the anniversary of the birth of Christ turn
into the vomit-inducing commercial Christmas we know and hate today? h
Well I'll tell you. It all happened centuries ago. A consortium of o
mediaeval toy manufacturers decided to promote Christmas as a time of
goodwill, and convince the ignorant peasants that the only way to show h
goodwill was to give the kids a Robin Hood Action-Peasant doll to play o
with. With working accessories. Collect the whole Merry Men (tm) range.
I really really really hate Christmas. Queueing up for years to buy h
all the Christmas presents for the little brats of relatives I know, a
when I know full well that they'll hate everything I hand over to them.
Well, almost everything. Let's face it, either they'll hate it and h
never use it, or they'll love it and smash it to pieces within five a
minutes of getting it.
Last Christmas I gave a cricket bat to my nephew, Matthew. Twenty h
minutes later we were in the ambulance on the way to hospital to get e
fifteen stitches put in his sister Jenny's head. And the bat was
broken. Bloody Taiwanese rubbish. We got another bat, of course. And h
Matthew does use it. For battering the other neighbourhood kids around. e
So it's been useful for him. He's collected $200 from threatening this
year. So he'll be able to get some nice Christmas presents for his h
family. The spirit of giving, what a wonderful thing. a
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - h
a
CHRISTMAS TO BE CANCELLED?
Santaprises Ltd has been dogged by financial problems this year, and h
there are now some doubts that Christmas will go ahead at all. In a
September it was announced that Santaprises had made a $16.5 million h
pre-tax loss in a year. Santa said at the time that profitability would a
increase later in the year. h
In October a dispute with the Federated Elves Union slowed a
preparations for the Christmas rush. The FEU wanted working hours and
pay to be improved, with particular emphasis on penalty rates for late h
Christmas Eve work. A spokeself for the FEU claimed that most staff o
worked constantly on Christmas Eve, without even a break, and that more
staff should be hired to handle present deliveries. The dispute was h
settled peacefully, the elves accepting the offer of an extra tax-free o
lollypop for every hour worked.
Early last week, two men representing owners of some of the sleds t
leased to Santaprises boarded a sled at the North Pole Santaprises e
Despatch Centre and tried to repossess it- e
h
MAN 1: Okay scumbags. Stop loading those presents. This is our sled, e
and we want it back. e
h
MAN 2: Yeah, we want it back. a
h
HEAD ELF: I think you'd better have a word with the boss. [Calls] a
Father Christmas! h
a
MAN 1: Yeah, I think we'd better. *
a
MAN 2: Yeah. r
g
[Santa enters] h
*
SANTA: Elfy! M-man! What's happenin'?
C
HEAD ELF: Two gentlemen to see you, Santa. a
r
MAN 1: You Santa Claus? d
i
SANTA: Yo. a
c
MAN 1: Mr Claus, we represent Polar Holdings, owners of your sleds. And
we're here to repossess them. a
r
SANTA: Baby baby baby. Relax. Be nice. Owners? What is property? r
Property of something means you can give it away. Giving things e
away is great. That's my game, man. I'm a sort of reverse debt s
collector. Giving makes you feel good. It gives you a great high t
to give someone something. Okay, so it may cost me heaps, but !
every year... woo! What a trip! And anyway, bro', have you got a
court injunction saying we have to hand them sleds over? G
r
MAN 1: Well, no, not as such. u
n
SANTA: Then like, bog off, man, before we send you packing. Me an' the t
elves are busy. Elfy - show these dudes out. h
n
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ n
Toxic Custard Workshop Files would like to wish all g
readers a really very bloody Merry fucking Christmas. t
And remember folks, swearing is almost as much fun s
as giving. A bumper set of TCWF back-issues makes a z
great gift! To find out how to get your FREE back- c
issues, reply to this, or mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu z
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ .
.
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen .
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Silent night, holy night
Melbourne Australia | Skins and punks, in a fight
vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au | Pros are offering evening delights
TCWF- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | Sleep and call the poli-i-i-i-ice
Sle-eep and call the police.
_______________________________________________________________________________
The Seventy-Seventh Toxic Custard
- - - T O X I C C U S T A R D W O R K S H O P F I L E S - - -
Number seventy-seven 30th December 1991 Written by Daniel Bowen
-------------------------------------------------------------------
S
THE ADVENTURES OF *POPSICLE* o
,
Mr *Popsicle*, secret agent for A.R.S.E, and Inspector Unnecessary-
Violence are nearing the end of an investigation into nutmeg smugglers. t
*Popsicle* prised himself.. I mean prides himself on being one of the h
most commonly appearing characters in TCWF. The author valiantly a
managed to avoid embedding a plug for TCWF back-issues in the middle of t
the story. In any case, you should know what's happening with the plot,
and if you don't, I suggest you take a look at the bac*ARGH* w
a
*Popsicle* and the Inspector drove into the university and spent s
half an hour looking for a parking space, before giving up and parking
in a disabled space, the Inspector reasoning that if anyone argued with 1
them, he'd disable them. They were looking out for one of the 9
lecturers, named Rob, who had been named as the nutmeg supplier. 9
It took them fifteen minutes and five violent threats to find Rob's 1
office, up on the sixth floor of `F' block. Whereas they could have .
just strolled in and arrested him, it was agreed between them that they
should surround the place, because it was potentially more violent. W
After consulting with headquarters, and the author (who agreed on the h
grounds that it would make the end of the story more dramatic), they e
set up their men from the A.R.S.E. Hostage Overview Liberation r
Efforcement squad around the office. e
As soon as the Inspector had figured out how to turn the megaphone '
on, his voice rang out down the corridor and around the corner to the d
room, from where he and *Popsicle* had positioned themselves.
"Mr Robert Redpork! This is the Australian Royal Security i
Establishment, Mr Redpork. You have five seconds to come out and t
surrender with your hands up, your feet down, and your shoulders
somewhere in between. If you do not surrender within five seconds, a
we're coming in for you. Five seconds, Mr Redpork.. and after that, l
we'll waltz straight in there and take you, dead or alive." l
It took the Inspector just under a minute to count to five. Then he
gave the order. "Start the music!" One of the squad turned on the tape g
recorder, and armed men from all directions waltzed their way towards o
the door. As they neared it, the door opened, and a man walked out, ?
wearing a red skivvy(*), brown corduroy trousers, sandals, a haircut
banned by the Geneva Convention, and an identity tag stuck (with some I
pleasure) to his left nipple, proclaiming "Robert Redpork, Computer
Technology Lecturer". h
"What's all this noise?" he shouted above the din of the band. o
"It's just one or two of you up the back, ruining it for all of us, p
isn't it. Keep the noise down, please!" e
So, after searching his office, they arrested him for illegal
possession of nutmeg. Later additional haircut charges were added, and y
*Popsicle* and the Inspector congratulated themselves on a truly o
wonderful investigation by getting completely pissed and trying out u
half-a-dozen of the confiscated nutmegs.
d
(*) American readers read "turtleneck". Jesus, can't you people i
use proper English? d
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
s
CRICKET REPORT o
Australia was victorious over India in the third test at the Melbourne m
Cricket Ground which finished on Sunday. A major part of the Australian e
victory has been attributed to the brand new Great Southern Stand, t
which collapsed just after lunch when the crowd attempted an h
over-enthusiastic Mexican wave. The stand squashed most of the Indian i
team, leaving only captain Mohammad Azharuddin left uninjured to field n
by himself for the entire day. It could be said that that the remaining g
day of play in the game should have been abandoned, but it was felt
(especially among the Australian team) that it would be a hell of a lot m
of fun. They managed to score 20,209 runs during the day, cementing o
their victory. Australia declared when their running shoes wore out. r
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - e
I been drivin' down the road today u
Honking at anything in my way s
Swerving all over the bloody road e
Surprised I haven't dropped all my load f
u
Yes I'm a truck driver, earning cash l
Stopping twice a day to have a slash
d
Speeding down the motorway, burning up tar u
And trying not to hit too many cars r
Early morning, a lot of fog i
What chance had I of seeing the dog? n
g
Yes I'm a truck driver, speeding past your door
If I keep this speed up I'll get paid much more t
h
The tyres are worn out but who really cares e
Next place I see I'll just give 'em more air
Stopped at a cafe next to a wood y
They have the nerve to call this stuff food? e
a
Yes I'm a truck driver, driving all night r
Get in my way and I'll give you a fright
t
My eyelids are lowering - suddenly I wake h
Looks like the cabin's submerged in a lake a
So the load's half wet, who really cares? n
All I'm carrying is crateloads of beer.
r
Yes I'm a truck driver, truckin' truck truck e
I might be an arsehole, but who gives a fuck? a
d
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i
So that's Toxic Custard over for another year. n
I'm surprised it isn't past its read-by date g
yet. Back-issues are STILL available.. please
folks, take them off our hands! Send mail to t
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details. h
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i
s
New Prime Minister Paul Keating has been criticised by former PM Bob
Hawke. "He doesn't cry enough", said former prime ministerial pin-up c
Bob. Keating struck back, calling Hawke a scumbag, and a silly old r
bugger. But we all knew that anyway, didn't we. I mean, he *IS* a a
politician, after all. p
.
--
Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Send Toxic Custard requests/comment to:
Melbourne, Australia | tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au | Pretty piers with a ferry on top?
_______________________________________________________________________________
Rapidly Spinning Toxic Custard
TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES ____ ___
Written by Daniel Bowen / |___| Monday, 6th January 1992
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . | |___|RPM? . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
- Hello. I'd like to exchange last year for a new year, please.
- But.. what happened to the old one? S
o
- It's gone! It went at midnight last Tuesday night. We were all in the ,
street counting down with the clock, pissed as newts, and when we
reached zero, it had gone! 1991 had completely vanished by the time t
we'd finished the first verse of Auld Lang Syne and started throwing h
bottles at the policemen. We were practising for Bush's visit on e
Friday. Anyway.. I'm telling you! 1991 is gone! Kaput!
n
- I see. And in exchange for a vanished old year, last season's e
model, I might add, you expect us to hand over to you, without w
charge, a brand new top-of-the-range 1992 year with a free
bonus day and special "Leap" feature? y
e
- Yes please. a
r
-- *sigh* Well, okay. Here you are. Please take care of it.
Don't let it fly by, I want it back by next year! h
a
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - s
THE DOCTOR a
r
In the waiting room you wait your turn. r
Don't breathe in if you don't want germs. i
Come into my office and have a seat, v
I'm Doctor Killer, pleased to meet. e
d
Hello there, you say you're ill?
Better cough up, 'cos I don't bulk-bill. a
Lie down here; does it hurt? l
I'll put this cold thing up your shirt. r
e
Then I'll stick this thing up your nose, a
While you take off all your clothes. d
Lots of probes, and then some. y
In your ear and up your bum. .
Ah ha! I know what's wrong with you! T
Much more serious than just the flu. i
What would you like, a box of pills? m
I do hope that you've made a will. e
Take ten of these ten times a day r
Now piss off; on the way out, pay. e
Oh dear, he's dead, where's that nurse? a
I'll get her to call the hearse. l
l
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - y
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... d
America. I think America is a wonderful place. Disneyland, the Grand o
Canyon, the Rocky Mountains, the Statue of Liberty. I think the US e
Government should build the twin statue for the Statue of Liberty. It s
could be a gigantic monument to all the values of America today. It
could be the huge statue of a white drug-running poverty-stricken anti- f
choice mass-murdering rap-dancing Ku-Klux-Klan supporting Republican l
voter who looks like a cross between Arnie and Sly Stallone, with big y
Rambo muscles (with the scars and stuff), a hamburger, a horrific
accent and a big hat. Drinking loads of beer and watching the Superbowl a
while he fires his gun into a restaurant. l
George Bush flew in last week, to meet the people, look around and o
take in all that Australia has to offer. In 67 hours. And I bet half of n
that was looking at the clouds through a plane window. g
Why is it that Bush looks so... shrivelled? Not as shrivelled as .
Ronald Reagan looked, I'll admit, but still shrivelled. He looks to me
like the type of weedy git everyone would gang up on in the school yard I
if he hadn't brought his 200 security men along. I saw him on the s
telly, driving down the freeway from the airport, somewhere in a convoy
of twenty big black cars. It must be to prevent terrorist attacks - i
they won't know which car to aim for. I wonder if he found out about t
the protestors in the city centre? A sort of New World Public Disorder.
I saw those thousand points of light, too. When all the press r
photographers' flashes went off at once as he made some inane comment e
about Waltzing Matilda. a
But he holds such power in those fingers of his. Apart from l
insulting people through car windows, that is. It's his job to protect l
the world.. to protect the world from the horror, the anguish and the y
pain of Dan Quayle. I wonder if the CIA even try and protect Quayle?
Maybe they just try and make sure he doesn't impale himself on a pen 1
he's signing documents with. Or would they really bother? Would it be 9
such a loss? I wonder if Mrs Quayle is also of abnormally low 9
intelligence? She'd have to be, you'd think, to marry him in the first 1
place. And if that's the case, how thick are their offspring going to
be? a
l
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ r
That was the first Toxic Custard for 1992. Hooray, e
happy new year etc etc. Now go and do something a
useful. Or, if you don't feel like it, you could d
grab a look at TCWF back-issues. For details of how y
to get your dirty mits on these, send mail to ?
tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's just as well most houses have less toilets than people. Otherwise,
you can bet everyone would be on the toilet when the phone rings.
--
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University |
Melbourne Australia | POPE GETS GRIT IN MOUTH!
vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au |
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu |
_______________________________________________________________________________
Sadly Missing Toxic Custard
********** ********* TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES Written by
* * * Number 79 Daniel Bowen
* ********* Monday 13th January 1991 and sister
_________*__________*__________________________________________________
The best thing about hearing a Bryan Adams song on the radio A
is knowing there won't be another one for at least a couple of hours. n
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - o
t
Ever wondered how paper is recycled? It's from old paper, of course. h
But not straight away. Most old paper being recycled has been used, so e
it has to be processed first. All the old paper is put into a bloody r
big machine, and the ink that's on it is systematically scraped off by
a sort of a razor blade. When that's finished, the paper is clean and d
ready to be used for something else, and not only that.. the ink is a
churned up in a big pot and melted into liquid again, so it can be y
re-used for filling up zillions of biros. What good is this, you might ,
ask. Okay, so recycling paper saves trees all over the world which
provides more oxygen to breathe so the human race can wipe itself out a
by something other than asphyxiation. n
But what about the ink? Ever stop and wonder where ink comes from? o
In fact, ink is made from the dead corpses of the Inca tribes of Peru. t
The Inca peoples were (and in some areas, still are) a proud race of h
warriors, but they tend, like most of us, to slow down a bit when e
they're dead. Still, while they're still alive, their diets consist of r
a number of South American berries, so many that much of their
bloodstream, by the time they die, is navy blue. d
This was discovered earlier this century by a little Hungarian o
twerp, who decided to drain out the blood from dead Incas, boil it up l
and use it as "ink" (a cruel and sadistic pun if ever there was one) in l
his new invention, the biro. What a bastard. Tribes in other areas of a
South America eat red berries and it is these areas that are harvested r
for red ink. Expeditions into South America are still sponsored by Bic, ,
Pentel and Parker, to retrieve tribal bodies and suck ink out of them.
So.. recycle your paper today! Save trees and Inca corpses! a
n
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - o
t
Hi, I'd like to buy a pair of red pyjamas please, size Large. Yes, h
they'll do fine. And I'd like a red skivvy (*), size Large. And what e
have you got in the way of red pullovers? Yes, v-neck. Size? Oh, r
probably about Large. Some red underpants? And have you got anything in
way of red trousers? Oh, surely you must have something? Well yes, I w
*do* want red. I'm a red fetishist, you see. I love red. It's a great e
colour, red. Okay, so politically it isn't so popular now, but look at e
it spectrum-wise. Look at how red the red is. Its... reddishness. Isn't k
it great? In fact, there's a red fetishists' convention next week. ,
Called "Ready for Red '92 - Reddening our world." Unfortunately, my
wife has had enough of red, and doesn't want to come with me. She's a
into blue. n
o
(*) American readers read "turtleneck". Jesus, can't you people use t
proper English? h
e
The author's sister, a linguistics student, would like to point out r
that the above comment is a highly PRESCRIPTIVIST notion. Language
variation is as solid a fact as the Newbrook Austo-Asian C
phonetic/phonemic distribution theory. Standard North American usage u
may find the lexical item "skivvy" difficult to process, but intra and s
international semantic and lexical variation is the spice which makes t
our lives joyful. a
r
The author would like to point out to his sister that this is HIS d
outlet for his private grudges against the world and not hers, or .
anyone elses, so everyone else can just shut up and stop interrupting .
his train of thought.
a
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - n
o
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... t
UFOs. Well, it's a load of crap, isn't it. Here we are on the little h
planet Earth wondering if there's any intelligent life in the universe. e
And trying to send out messages to attract aliens. I wonder why? Don't r
we have enough problems of our own without inviting little green men to
fly in and strut their stuff in public, disrupting people's busy lives? M
Anyway.. they're *alien*, aren't they? Strange and unknown. How do we o
know they haven't already landed? How do we know the aliens haven't n
already arrived and infiltrated the human race? I sometimes wonder d
about my husband Fred, actually. He's a very strange person in some a
ways. I used to think he might be a visiting alien, but I decided he's y
probably just dim. But then, he is the typical Australian man. ,
I've often wondered just what would happen if aliens landed in our
cities. They could land in Melbourne, by the Arts Centre, and nobody a
would notice their flying saucer.. everyone would think it was a new n
avant-garde sculpture. They could climb out with their green scaly o
skin and their two hundred tentacles each and walk up the street t
sucking up small children, and everyone would think it was a new form h
of street theatre. Who actually organises those sculptures, and that e
street threatre? I'll tell you the truth. The aliens are already here. r
The Arts Centre spire is a landing beacon for them. Everyone you see
around the Arts Centre is strange. And you never see street artists s
talking to people, do you? It's true. They're ALIENS. I always thought i
mime was suspicious. d
e
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ w
You have been nothing. And still are. You are a
absolutely nothing. Nothing and nobody. And you y
have been reading the Toxic Custard Workshop s
Files. And it serves you bloody well right.
For back-issues, why don't you just drop dead? m
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ e
s
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen s
-- a
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | NOW AVAILABLE: g
Melbourne, Australia | Bottled Presidential Vomit e
vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au | Exclusive to .
TCWF- tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | Nippon-Fijutsu-Bridgeriverkwai Corp. .
.
TC's too short, I write alone
Maybe I'll try and do a poem
It's ten o'clock, I'm out of time
Trying to get this stuff to rhyme
But is it funny? No not really
In fact, it's really pretty silly.
Yuck.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Barely Audible Toxic Custard
Can't stop this thing we started.. ARGH!
(Tried pressing CTRL-C?)
___________ _________ _________ _________ ________
| | | | |________ |_________| | |
| |_________ |____|____| | |_________| |________|
.....TOXICCUSTARDWORKSHOPFILESNUMBER80JANUARY20TH1992WRITTENBYDANIELBOWEN.....
Welcome to another BELOW AVERAGE edition of the Toxic Custard Workshop
Files. And at this point I would just like to add: No use libro de B
pagos en el caso que lo haya usado anteriormente. a
s
Omigod another blank screen. Quick, improvise something. Train of i
thought.. train of thought.. "Train of thought departing platform one c
and stopping all stations." No, no no. a
l
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - l
y
Debate has been running hot down a blind alleyway off Fitzroy Street ,
and going round and round in political circles on the subject of rain
this week. Prime Minister and self-professed all-time good-guy Paul t
Keating has expressed his concern about the plight of the wet in h
today's society. "Shelter for the soggy should be a priority", he said. e
He attacked an Opposition policy cutting back on umbrellas for the wet, s
a programme introduced by the Government on a rather showery April day e
last year. The Government also criticised the Opposition policy on
optometry, accusing it of being short-sighted. s
i
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - d
e
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Caulfield w
Racecourse for the Identical Horse Names Handicap Stakes. By chance, a
the six horses picked for this race today have all managed to have the y
same name - "Papillon". So, I can promise you this: it's going to be a s
helluva confusing race today. A quick run-down of the odds as the
horses move into the starting enclosure.. Papillon is favourite at 2-1, m
then Papillon 7-2, Papillon 5-1, Papillon and Papillon 10-1, and e
finally the outsider, Papillon, at 100-1. Well, the horses are all s
ready, and I'm assured that the Jockeys know which one is which... So s
as the green light goes on and we get ready for the Identical Horse a
Names Handicap Stakes, I've just got time to say that the author thinks g
we've milked this joke dry and it's time for the next item. e
s
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
a
A couple of weeks ago I was clearing out the cupboard and I decided r
that I just never was the right person to own a 70 in 1 electronic e
project kit. It's something I got as a kid, but to my lasting
disappointment, I never discovered just how to electrocute my sister d
with it. More to the point, the vast majority of the 70 projects were e
never completed. There's only so many wires you can push into little s
sockets before you get bored with the whole thing and go and decide to i
climb a tree. Must be race memory or something. Not that I really was g
the outdoor type. My life outdoors was for the most part just an n
unavoidable part of being between different places that were indoors. e
Then I got... ROLLERSKATES! Of course, it took a few weeks to learn d
how to skate on them properly, and many months after that for the scars
to heal, but it did seem, at first glance, the perfect way to get t
around. You could roll down to the milkbar for some sweets, almost but o
not quite roll under a truck crossing the road, roll back, dropping
most of what you'd bought on the ground, and eventually skid to a o
cat-terrifying halt outside the front gate. Which, if it was jammed, v
you just *could not* open with rollerskates on. You'd be pushing on it, e
but moving nowhere. Eventually, of course, as will all things, you'd r
grow out of them. Physically if not mentally. I see rollerblades are c
"in" now. It just goes to show, there's nothing to compare with putting o
your skates on and rolling uncontrollably down hills knocking over old m
ladies. e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - c
l
MRS IRENE BUSYBODY SPEAKS OUT ON... a
Days. Now, I never had any kids (Fred's a bit of a let-down in that s
department) but as I remember it, school days were far from the best s
days of my life. More like the average to worse days, some of them.
Mind you, I can't complain.. school taught me that the best things in d
life are expensive. And that's something I'll never be able to forget, i
or afford. v
Anyway, there's only so many hours in a day. Around about twenty- i
four, to be precise. I wonder who made up how we measure time. Probably s
someone related to this bloke Ivor M Perial, who thought up feet and i
inches and stuff. I bet he was pissed at the time. Why should there be o
twenty-four hours in a day? Or why not? I suppose by now we're stuck n
with it. s
Ever noticed how stupid Porsches look from the back? That's nothing
to do with the topic, just an observation. I sometimes wonder if i
anybody would buy a Porsche if they had seen the back of it. At the n
front, it's the super-cool, mega-stud, snobby-git, I'm-a-rich-bastard-
with-an-expensive-car image. Just like the Volvo I'm-a-complete-prat s
image. Meanwhile at the back of the Porsche, phhht. o
Of course, exhaust pipes are always on the back of cars. That's the c
one feature of a car that you'll never see on a tv commercial, i
actually. And it's quite fitting that the exhaust is at the back... e
because car pollution is like a fart. Everyone knows it happens, even t
if they don't like it, but they ignore it, pretend it isn't theirs, and y
hope it will go away. .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A
You are reading a thinly disguised plug for n
TCWF BACK-ISSUES!!! For information on how d
to get your hands on the aforementioned TCWF
BACK-ISSUES!!!, send mail around about now a
to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu n
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ n
-- o
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen y
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University, | p
Melbourne, Australia | I think fishing e
vac673b@monu6.cc.monash.edu.au | is a load of carp. o
TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | p
l
What I want to know is... did Elvis wear Levis? e
*
* I'd say it's an element of any post-allegorical discussive climax of
the positionist stance. Either that or a load of bollocks.
_______________________________________________________________________________
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--
Copyright (c) 1992 Daniel Bowen
May be copied or reproduced without permission
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--
Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling
----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over...
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