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Upper 10 Issue 2

Published in

· 26 Apr 2019

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  UUUU   UUUU   PPPPPPPPPP  PPPPPPPPPP   EEEEEEEEEEEE   RRRRRRRRRRR 
  uuuu   uuuu   ppp     pp  ppp     pp   eee            rrr      rr 
  uuuu   uuuu   pppppppppp  pppppppppp   eeeeee         rrrrrrrrrrr 
  uuuu   uuuu   ppp         ppp          eeeeee         rrrrrrrrrrr 
  uuuu   uuuu   ppp         ppp          eee            rrr     rrr 
   uuuuuuuuu    ppp         ppp          eeeeeeeeeeee   rrr      rr   10: 

   The lemon-lime soda. 

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Once upon a time each homosapien on the planet Earth was a part of every other. An intelligent person could learn more in meeting another of his kind, than he could reading a book.

Every time two intelligent people met they could take something positive from the other, and incorporate that into themselves. Because of this every man was a part of the other, causing a certain brotherhood between men.

If you can meet a person and learn nothing from the encounter, either your an idiot, or the person your meeting is. Because of this, once upon a time unintelligent people were outsiders, and the intelligent man ruled.

Craving for a piece of that togetherness, the idiots of the world found a tool that could make them a part of something. That tool was conformity. Through conformity idiots banned together, losing there individual thoughts and beliefs and becoming a part of the whole. This was the dawning of hippies.

Now that the idiots had found there spirit of togetherness there influence spread. Then one day the idiots leader commited the ultimate act of stupidity and killed himself. Suddenly everyone said they were an idiot. They all conformed, and lost there individuality in the process. Soon it was considered good to be stupid, it was cool to feel pain. Idiots ruled the day, and were soon to take over the planet. What do you think would happen if todays morons gained control over our government? How do we get back to the day of the intelligent man?

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Welcome to the second issue of Upper 10: The Lemon Lime Soda. And also coincidentally the second stage in the rehabilitation of Handle as a writer. I actually think that my rehabilitation is going quite well, I have gone from random babblings to actual stories with a beginning, middle, and end.

There's only one catch, those stories are neither good, nor amusing, nor anything. Oh, well these sort of things take time. If things go as planned, I will eventually regain enough of my writing stature to change the name of this 'zine to, "7-up: The Uncola". And then following that I will be able to once again write for the elustrious 'zine raD.

Well instead of babbling on for a horribly long time, I'll put out the two most horrible things I've ever written, and let you read them. CARAMBA!

The Many Exploits of Lynn Belvedere: Der Fuhrer

Like a mighty roar of thunder from the heavens, bombs crash down on the bunker of Lynn, violently shaking it, and forcing plaster to rain down from the ceiling. Furiously storming around the room and cursing to himself Mr. Belvedere can only bring himself to say one word.

"WESSSSSLEY!"

Suddenly breaking his fit of rage, the door to his private room swings open. Startled Lynn jumps, but then calms down as he sees who it is.

"Mein Fuhrer! We must talk!"

"Ah, if it isn't Dwayne from 'What's Happening', minister of propaganda. How are our defenses holding up?"

"That's what we need to talk about. The Russians are within minutes of breaking through and capturing us all."

"My word, that is quite disturbing."

Suddenly both men are interrupted by another entering the room. He is J.J. Walker, minister of enemy relations.

"The Russian Scout Teams have entered the top floors of the Bunker mein Fuhrer! They are killing our legions at random!"

"Take us to Def.Con. 4."

"You mean..."

"Yes, give them the Souffle that I just baked as a sign of trust."

"Right away Mein Fuhrer."

"Mein Fuhrer?"

"Yes Dwayne?"

"I've just got word from our Secret Agents George and Weezy, from their High rise, communications base."

"And what have they to say."

"General Patton is coming in strong from our west, his third Army has completely decimated our army of black 70's sitcom stars."

"Damn! Then the Souffle won't work! Now we are facing the Americans and not just those pansy Russians!"

"That is correct sir, I never could understand why the Americans would Ally themselves with such scum."

"It is all over Dwayne, get out word to our officers, and distribute the cyanide capsuls."

"But sir..."

"No dice Dwayne, it's over. Damn those Americans! And Damn General Patton!"

Solemly Mr. Belvedere sends Dwayne away from his quarters and proceeds to write a final exerpt in his diary.

Today my crusade finally ends. After leaving my service with the Owens family I assumed that taking over the planet would be the next most logical step. But apparently those damn allies didn't think so. Oh well, nevermind, at least I exterminated that horrible, horrible race. Cheerio.

With this Lynn burns his diary and takes enough poison to prove fatal.

I Hate Niggers and Faggots

Today if I was a negro I would have woken up in a pile of shit and maggots at three in the afternoon. I wouldn't be able to have any breakfast because I would be black and not have much money. Damn, I can't take a shower either because whitey turned off the water. I sure am hungry though, so I go out and sell crack on the curb.

"Oh, no here comes a rival gang with guns blazing!" Damn, shot in the shoulder again. Usually I try to take it in the leg or the arm but they got me by surprise this time.

After I stopped bleeding a funny thing happened to me. I thought for a second that I had to go to school, but that's silly, I don't need an education. I'm gonna be in the NBA! Man what was I thinking? It must have been from all that blood I lost.

I'm kind of tired after being shot and everything so I decide to listen to gangsta' rap and drink as much malt liquor as I can before I pass out.

Man, those negros sure do have it tough, I should really start being nice to them. I wonder what my day would be like if I was homosexual...

Waking up at six in the morning I'm appalled to find out I left a batch of Boysenberry muffins in the oven all night long! I lost most of my kitchen, even the flower patterned curtains I spent all week sewing! Man, what a horrible way to start my day.

My depression didn't last long though, I started to get horny. As you probably know, us gay men are horny all of the time. I spend most of my day going out and hitting on obviously straight men that hate my faggot ass. I get a kick out of trying to have sex with people who hate me.

After a long day of hitting on straight men, I dress up like a women and go dancing with my boyfriend Shawna. I wore the red dress because the purple one makes my thighs look fat. After dancing I had anal sex with other gay men for hours on end!

Those gay people sure are disgusting, I'm gonna try not to go around them anymore, faggots.

If I was the average man living in Asia I would have to wake up early to practice Tai Chi and soothe my soul. I have to be at peace with Buddah if I'm going to kamikaze into an American boat later. First things first though, I got to go tend to the rice fields.

Getting to my fighter plane isn't easy because I have to ride my bike. I just detest cars, most of us Asians do. I meet up with my friend Chang outside of his work. He makes Hitashi products. After we meet up we ride our bicycles to our planes and crash them into the first American ship that we see.

I hate those damn round eyes, I am glad to give up my life to kill them. If even just a few. Stupid free market economy.

Being a bigot is fun and easy, minorities suck, so do fags. peace

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Well that about wraps it up for this issue of upper10. Hopefully this whole not being able to write thing won't last for to much longer, but hey, what'cha gonna do?