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Vomit 05
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(Brought to you by the letter "F"!)
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I like to watch tv. This is why I'm so uncreative. Anyway, one of my
favorite shows is Sesame Street. On Sesame Street they often have celebrity
guests. Most of the time kids don't know who these guests are, but they are
invited to the show to provide some appeal for parents. The have some where
basketball players come on and tell kids to believe in themselves, or a
famous singer sings a song about the number 11. It's the celebrity singing
guests that I'd like to talk about today.
Imagine if Ozzy Osbourne was invited to the show? Can you say "ratings
dive"? Can't you just imagine him with a group of little kids around him?
"Hullo all you fuckin' little maggots. I was drunk off my ass wandering
around New York when I stumbled upon this sorry-ass street that you little
bastards call home." He would scare those poor kids to death.
"We wanna to have fun, Ozzy!"
"You want fun, you little fuckers? I'll give you some fun! Meet my friend
heroin!"
"Drugs are bad!!"
"Drugs are bad, you say? Fine, you fuckers are never satisfied. I guess I
could show you all the scars on my inner elbow."
"Wow, where'd you get them, Ozzy?" <Ozzy smacks the kid over the head>
"You'll call me 'Mister Osbourne'" you little shit wad. I got them from
injecting my friend heroin."
<One kid notices Ozzy's nostrils are all red.>
"What's wrong with your nose, Mister Osbourne?"
"It's from snorting cocaine, you little bitch."
"We wanna learn something!"
"You wanna learn something, you little dipshits?! You wanna learn something?!"
"YEAH!"
"Fine. I'll teach you about the number 2." <Ozzy gets up, turns around, and
pulls down his pants, mooning all the poor kids.> "See? Two cheeks! Two cheeks
on my ass! " <Ozzy then shits on one kid's head> "And shit is sometimes called
'number two'!" <Ozzy pulls his pants back up, and sits back down>
"I saw your hiney! I saw your hiney!"
"Damned fuckin' right you saw my hiney, dumb-ass."
<Suddenly Elmo comes walking along>
Elmo: Elmo say hi to the burnout! <Ozzy grabs Elmo by the neck>
Ozzy: Burnout?! Burnout?!
Elmo: Elmo sorry! Let Elmo down!
Ozzy: Apologies are for pussies. (He then bites off Elmo's head, and throws
Elmo's carcass aside. The kids are scared shitless.)
Kids: You killed Elmo! <sob> <sob>
Ozzy: A man needs his red meat! Shut the fuck up! <Kids began crying more> Aww
for fuck's sake, don't fuckin' cry on me. If Ozzy sings you a song will you
all shut the fuck up?
Kids: Yeah! Sing! Sing! (Ozzy pulls out a microphone and begins singing "War
Pigs" a song about people being nuked, and satan. The kids begin crying even
more) We wanna hear a different song! This song is scary!
Ozzy: Scary?! Scary?! You wanna see scary?!
Kid 1: No! We already saw your hiney! (Ozzy smacks the kid who said this)
Kids: Sing an alphabet song!
Ozzy: A motherfuckin' alphabet song is what you want? Fine! (Ozzy begins
singing his song) A is for asshole. Which you are all to me. B is for
bat-heads, tasty as can be! C is for cocaine. Pretty good shit, don't you see?
D is for drugs, fun for everybody. F is for fuck, this word is the best.
G is for gun. I shot Gordon in the chest. (Kids begin crying) H is for heroin.
My very favorite drug. V is for Vomit. What a shameless plug. K is for klepto.
Like my brand-new watch? It's also for kick, don't do that in my crotch. L is
for LSD, another goodie of mine. M is for marijuana. Oo it tastes so fine.
N is for NyQuil, best over-the-counter drug there is. O is for old fart, and
that's all Ozzy is. P is for papa, he beat me everyday. Q is for queer.
Persecute anyone that is gay. R is for Rehab, it's not fun at all. Buy all
my albums at Sam Goody in the mall. S is for Satan. My master rules
everything. T is for tooth-mark. Where'd I learn to sing? U is for up yours.
Up yours, kids!
Kid 2: You skipped some letters.
Ozzy: I skipped grammar school too. What's your point?
Kids: You are a mean man!
Ozzy: Fuck you.
THE END
VOMIT Index
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Vomit 1..................................................................Intro
Vomit 2....................................... Part 1 of "Quest of the K-rads"
Vomit 3...........................................................Masturbation
Vomit 4.............................................................The Smurfs
Vomit 5 .............................................Ozzy visits Sesame Street
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I AM IRONMAN!!!!
