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Pure Bollocks Issue 22_062
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* F I C T I O N A L * R A M B L I N G S *
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Klarden The Hero
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A Simple To Read Fantasy Novel
By Mr. Orb
Written in a very short space of time, so don't expect miracles.
With a twinge of vertigo Klarden looked down from his precarious resting
place.
The sheer wall of rock was daunting. A few hours ago this seemed a simple
task for him. But now sword arm bleeding from a vicious gash almost severing a
tendon, and a large bite on his shoulder it was no longer an interesting
physical challenge, it was a fight for life.
The bandage he had improvised with his shirt was filthy, soaked in thick
visceral blood and dirt. It had dried solid an hour ago, his arm was an agony
and the tell tale signs of blood poisoning were slowly radiating from the pus
ridden open wound.
He had started on this journey several weeks ago, fleeing from Gertis Keep
after a violent argument with his ex-employer Svend the barrel maker. Svend
wanted to teach a rival a few lessons about un-friendly competition and had
approached Klarden whom he hoped was stupid enough to take the job.
Stupid, perhaps. Idiotic, maybe. But Klarden was not insane. He knew
Evlock, and Evlock knew him. They both had the mis-shapen nose and slightly
concave forehead obtained from years of illegal brawling.
They toasted each other that night and staggered the dark and violent
streets of Gertis Keep for a place to sleep.
During the night as Klarden slept through the excesses of ale Evlock found
Svend's shop and performed some re-constructive surgery with an axe.
An angry Svend kicked the sleeping warrior awake.
'Arrghhh! whose that ?'
'Tis I, a very, very pissed off I. We had an agreement.'
Klarden, hung over, considered the alternatives. He could apologise, and
remain in this man's servitude for a few years as compensation, He could steal
the money and pay him back. An alternative suddenly sprung to mind.
'Give me a minute to gather my senses.'
'Certainly' said Svend, still kicking.
Klarden stood, and waited for his head to clear. Finally he spoke.
'Kick me again, you shit and you'll regret it!' in a threatening tone
'You owe me a lot of money, worthless scum'
'NO ONE CALLS ME SCUM!' he roared.
His fist flew through the air making solid contact with Svend's stomach.
The man fell to ground, gasping for air and begging for mercy. Klarden gently
held the man's head.
'When I was a child, my father showed me a trick to scare the shit out of
people, and make them respect you.'
Svend, suddenly silenced, paid attention as Klarden's massive arms locked
themselves around his head.
'Have you ever seen a pimple or spot burst, my friend ?' he asked.
'Squeeze hard enough and the insides all fly out.'
It took Svend a few moments to realise the implication of that statement.
He screamed, and screamed.
'Oh, do be quiet.' He said stuffing a rag into Svend's mouth.
'Now in a moment I'll start squeezing. Softly at first. In a few minutes
you'll be hearing a slight cracking sound. Nothing to worry about. That'll just
be your skull breaking, and then it's spot time. Your brains will cover that
wall'
Klarden spoke gently and slowly, almost soothingly. His arm tightened. The
pressure increased slowly until Klarden could feel the blood throbbing in
Svend's temple.
'Of course my father told me to take time, to take pleasure in releasing
another soul. My father was a very strange man you know, he thought that pain
was a gift from heaven. Just as pleasure tells a man that he has eaten well, or
made love to a beautiful woman pain tells a man that his leg is broken, or he
is ill. My father loved pain, loved to inflict it. 'To pass on God's gift' he
would say.'
'But you my friend are lucky, as I do not beleive in pain. I cannot kill
another man.'
Klarden removed the man's gag, and gently pulled him to his feet.
'You shit!, I'll have you hung for this!.' Svend screamed
'Before you do that. I've got something to tell you.'
'What!' yelled Svend
'I'm a terrible liar'
Klarden crushed the man's skull with a steel grip. Just as he promised, the
man's brain burst out of the skull leaving a huge grey mural on the back wall.
Klarden took a few deep breaths and searched the man's pockets. Enough
money to leave town.....
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I'm sorry it's so gory
I Just got back from
watching Hellraiser 3
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Mr. Orb
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