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Saxonia Issue 03 Part 029
Jokes
Collected by Rumrunner/VOID
l
Lindsay looked in the mirror, then said to Amy, "I'm going to see a
dietitian." "What on earth for?" asked Amy. "I want to know once and
for all exactly how many calories are in sperm." Amy considered this
concept. "You know, hon, if you're consuming that much, no man is
gonna complain that you're a little chunky!"
l
An old woman walking down the street suddenly saw two men kicking eachother
in the nuts. She couldn't resist walking over to them and ask
- Doesn't that hurt a lot?
- No, you see, we use padded shoes
l
Two men talking to eachother :
- Do you ever take your wife in the wrong hole?
- Are you crazy, I don't want her to get pregnant
l
Larry was quietly reading a newspaper while waiting for his train. He
heard a loud, "'Board!" but since his train wasn't due for quite a
while, he just kept reading. A few seconds later he heard a louder,
"'Booooaaaaaard!" Suddenly something slammed painfully into his head.
He dropped to the floor, stunned. The workman carrying a load of
lumber looked down at Larry and said, "Hey, pal; I warned ya twice!"
l
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.
He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that
this is a very talented octopus. "He can play any musical instrument in
the world."
Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he
says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the
octopus can't play.
A customer walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.
Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better
than Jimi Hendrix. The guitar owner pays up the $50.
Another customer walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays
the trumpet better than Miles Davis. The trumpet-owner coughs up the
$50.
Then Jim, a Scotsman plonks some bagpipes on the table. The octopus
fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off with a
confused look.
Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?"
The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it
as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."
l
This is also a way for airport-crew to work. Check out what the mechanics
answer the pilots.
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
