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Saxonia Issue 02 Part 046
Rumrunner helps you
Does anybody need help? Rumrunner is the man to ask. His incredible
wisdom will make your life much happier. So send in your questions to
him right away.
Right, questions and answers time
Hello Rumrunner. My name is Tim and I am 10 years old. Last christmas,
Santa didn't bring me any gift, eventhough I had been good all year. So
I guess he didn't fit in the chimney. Dad won't make it bigger though.
Is there anything I can do to make sure he will be able to arrive next
Ooh, bad one this. Whatever you do will be a complete waste of time. What
happened the last time was that Santa got stuck in the chimney and when
you made a fire in the fireplace, he melted. So you just have to live
the rest of your life knowing that you are the one to blame for the fact
that nobody will get christmas presents ever again.
Err, well, this is Richard writing. I have been feeling lonely for the
last couple of months, so I bought a blow-up doll. But when I came home,
I quickly found out that it has a dick on it's own. What should I do?
Idiot. You have turned the shit inside out.
Hello there Rumrunner. This is Linda writing. I have a problem, you see I
am in love with this guy but he doesn't seem to notice me. What can I do
to get his attention?
Don't worry Linda, the help is coming. It's not hard at all really. Your
solution is to take lots of pictures of yourself, naked ofcourse. Then just
send the pictures to me. This will immediately make the guy interested in
you and I will have some fun over the next couple of days.
Hi Rumrunner. This is George W. Bush writing. I seem to have run out of
ways to annoy people. Can you help me?
Hello George. Right, I can see understand that you are tired of annoying
people in the same ways all the time. After all, how long can it be fun
to sign death penalties as part of your election campaign, cheat in the
elections and kill women and children in another country? But don't
worry, I am here to help you, and you surely need help considering the
fact that you are just an illiterate cowboy (who helped you write the
letter, by the way) Right, here's what to do. First, you need to travel
to the southeast of Mexico and speak to a man called Jose. He will give
you a bomb that is ten times bigger and more powerful than anything you
and your pityful followers have. Then, take this bomb and shove it up
your ass. It might seem difficult, but it should not be a problem.
Everytime you open your ass to speak on television, we see how big it
is. So, after you have shoved the bomb, just ignite it, and wait for it
to blow you to pieces. This will annoy people in two ways. The short-term
effect is everybody around the world beeing pissed off for having to
clean Bush-pieces off their walls, and the long term effect will be
everybody getting angry because they will not be able to go to your
grave and piss on it. Have fun. Just ask if you need more help.
Dear Rumrunner. My name is Colin Powell and I have a rather unusual
problem. My head is stuck up George W. Bush's ass, I cannot get it out.
What do I do?
Nice, Colin, you just had to take the comment "eat shit" a little too
serious, didn't you? Well, when your head is stuck up there, I suggest
that you simply cut it off, as you never use it anyway. However, leave
enough of your neck so that Georgieboy can use it as a chair. He must
be exhausted running around making life miserable for everybody all of
Rumrunner, please help me. I no matter how hard I try, I never learn how
to count to more than three. What do I do.
Yours, Donald Rumsfeld.
First of all, hey HEY [2 HEEEEYYYYYY[0 . Get your head out of that bag of
glue and listen up when I answer, you fucking moron.
Well, like I started saying, first of all, how can you expect to be able
to count when you placed the wrong end on the toilet and dumped the only
braincell you ever had? I didn't think even you were that stupid.
What you should do immediately is go to to a hardware-store and get a
hacksaw. Bring it home and then cut your head open with it. Fill the head
with lead and then put it back into one piece with a seven inch nail.
This will perhaps not make you any smarter, but at least you can knock on
doors with your head, or make a future career diving off tall buildings
hitting the pavement with your head first. Show off the bumps you will
get and earn some money on it. It's the only hope for a piece of shit
like you who for unknown reasons suddenly woke up and escaped from the