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Viewer Discretion vol. 3 issue 3 August 29:00
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\ \ /_/i e w e r issue 3 vol. 3 August 29/00
\ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266
\__| |/ v_d@iname.com
| _ |/ archived at disobey.com
|___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/
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In this issue:
WELCOME
QUOTABLE
POO-ETRY BY MITCH S.
ASSHOLE HUMOUR
RANT-A-RAMA BY MITCH S.
NET2BRAIN.BUZZ - BY MITCH S.
EVIL PLAN GENERATOR - FROM THE BUNNIEE LIST OV DOOM
SPAMBOUNCE - BY MITCH S.
WIFE BEATING ACCORDING TO GOD
SLOBBER, TWITCH, DROOL - BY MITCH S.
THIS FUCKER IS SO HOLY HE LEVITATES SPONTANEOUSLY - BY MITCH S.
COMMON CUNNING-LINGUIST - SOUTHERN VERSION
COMMON CUNNING-LINGUIST - NONSOUTHERN VERSION
ETC
:: WELCOME ::
Welcome to the "Mitch S." issue. Uh huh. Mitch has submitted so many
little columns over the last couple of weeks that I just decided to
throw them all together in one issue and call it his. Woohoo!!! See,
anyone can get there slice of VD fame if they really want it... Read
Mitch's RANT-A-RAMA column further down to hear the words of someone
who actually gets it. Duh. Thanks for the support Mitch. Mitch is
everywhere in this issue so don't say you weren't warned...
In news that has nothing to do with anything else - this issue marks
a milestone in that VD now has 400 subscribers!?!?! Woohoo! Now I gotta
ask - why? Don''t you people have better things to do than read this
drivel? Hell, don't I have better things to do than write this crap?
Apparently not.... <g>
Regarding last issue's piece on men's nipples, Matthew S. had this bit
of enlightenment:
To: v_d@iname.com
Subject: Men's nipples
The serious answer is one of simplicity. From a
genetic standpoint, it is simpler for a feature's
manifestation to be minimized or changed than for
a feature to be completely included or excluded.
Essentially, one has an on-off switch, as opposed
to two completely different sets of genes.
--Matthew S.
See, ya never no wen yer gonna be learned sumting eh? Edumacation iza
reely good tingk eh? <-that's Yankeeisms for English <g>
There a picture of Morbus on his site where it clearly shows he has 3
nipples. Really. Email him & ask about them - he loves talking about
them. <g>
And regarding VD's promotion of Capital of Nasty last issue, Leo had
this to say:
I'm touched, really, I am, by your generous
spreading of my propaganda.
Sniffle.
leandro
I hate when guys sniffle...jeez, cut it out ya big baby or I'll
twist yer nipples....wait you'd probably like that right? <g>.
Fag. Not there's anything wrong with that. Whatever... I leave you with
this wonderful parting thought:
Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures.
Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42
muscles in your face to frown
BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your
arm and bitch-slap the motherfucker upside the head...
Ouch! Cut that shite out! Enjoy the issue or Mitch will bitch-slap
yer ass into tomorrow...
:: QUOTABLE ::
"Bagbiter:
1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually
intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This
bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on
obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the
bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS,
CHOMPER, CHOMPING."
-Goatboy's sigfile (or sex life? hehehe just kidding Goaty)
:: POO-ETRY - BY MITCH S. ::
blimp2
Oh gaseous wonder, kevlar wrapped,
with twinklin' eyes so full of crap..
thru bunting blue and baby drool,
not hard to tell that one's a fool..
the moneyguns has boughten fun,
and here we are too late to run,
from golden gate to new york state,
wishin', hopin', not too late;
hto hold back spew..to throttle gorge;
to cousin Al: "We'll never george".
burma shave
:: ASSHOLE HUMOUR ::
This was sent to me by someone who wishes to remain unknown...
This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good
proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and
practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork
in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it out and
music starts playing!
"...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."
The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the doctor and drags the
poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out
again, ". . . On the road again . . ."
The doctor is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says.
"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked.
"Are you kidding?" says the doctor
"Any asshole can sing country music!"
:: RANT-A-RAMA - BY MITCH S. ::
VD NEEDS YOU/DO YOU NEED VD?
Life is just too short to live with mediocre shite, and you ought to be
ashamed of yourselves. This zine is supported by few, enjoyed by OVER
300, do you realize that is 1.8 fucking TRILLION neurons? HUH? NOT TO
MENTION, dendrites, ganglions, and nodes? WHERE ARE THEY? SHOW ME!
Nearly as I can figure, ANY specious spew will get printed, with
spelling and syntax errors intact for all to see (HINT! PROOFREAD!),
and howzat for an eqo boost, boyz&grrls, your very own archived nose
picking, self-stroking footnote in the electronic annals of history..
Who did YOU do on your summer vacation? Howz yer dog? Who among ye of
little froth will contribute to the communal cappucino with which we
diminish our capacity for social hypocrisy? Can you say FAT CHANCE!?
Are you gonna let us sniveling brain bent burn outs CONTINUE to
monopolize this enlightened evolutionary elegance? Then don't BITCH,
bubeleh..you get whatcha give. Oh, and..Have a NICE day...
:: NET2BRAIN.BUZZ - BY MITCH S. ::
Take 3! Rollin: Action..Scene opens: Harriedweeb crouched, slavering,
fingers frantically attacking keyboard, flurry of commands, mouse
clicking like castanets on speed..pizza crusts ankle deep, growing mold,
coffee cups stacked in unstable pyramid of penicillin encrusted science
projects..IS THIS YOU? Are you denied your inalienable right to FREE
everything by LACK OF BANDWIDTH? NO MORE! With our exclusive, FREE,
proprietary technology, the development team here at NET2BRAIN.buzz
(known around the shop as 2buz) can eliminate the clumsy obsolescent
human machine bottleneck, increase data throughput, enable secure data
storage with 256 bit encryption and 64 bit processing..at NO COST to the
end user. HOW, you ask, is this incredible evolution in IT possible?
What's the catch? NONE WHATSOEVER! 100% totally free FOREVER! Just
download the free BRAIN REPLACEMENT software> brnbx.2beta, and get your
absolutely FREE brain replacement. Never again wait on a dial-up modem,
cause you are ALWAYS on line..Never again wait on data downloads,
ACCESS FILES DIRECTLY! NEVER AGAIN pay ISP charges, cause YOU are YOUR
OWN SERVER! Move into the FAST LANE on the information superhighway,
DOWNLOAD NOW! Net2Brain.buzz ..
:: EVIL PLAN GENERATOR - FROM THE BUNNIEE LIST OV DOOM ::
Got this great URL - http://members.tripod.com/~mrpuzuzu/plan.html -
from Bunniees' great list. I filled out the required form and wham, bam
thank you Morbus, I got my Evil Plan...muwhaaahahahahahahahaa
Congratulations on being the creator of a new Evil Plan (tm)!
Your objective is simple: World Domination
Your motive is a little bit more complex: Evil - It's my nature
Stage One:
To begin your plan, you must first Assassinate a Pope. This will
cause the world to sit up and take notice, stunned by your
arrival. Who is this Despoiler of all that is Good and Nice and
True? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good as a
Dark Gunslinger?
Stage Two:
Next, you will Desecrate New York. This will cause countless
hordes of Supernatural Creatures to flock to you, begging to do
your every bidding. Your name will become synonymous with the
Spice Girls, as lesser men whisper your name in terror.
Stage Three:
Finally, you will Reveal to the World your Needlessly Big Weather
Machine, bringing about the Return of the Antichrist. This will
all be done from a Abandoned Church, an excellent choice if we
might say. These three deeds will herald the end, and the citizens
of this planet will have no choice but to elect you their new god.
Trust us, it'll all come together in the end.
:: SPAMBOUNCE - BY MITCH S. ::
What, precisely, constitutes a denial of service attack? Is it intent,
and can it be a COMMUNAL intent? Is there any legal justification for
a class action suit against ISP's that forward spam? If one guy can be
responsible for the actions of a self replicating virus, then can't one
company be held responsible for clogging bandwidth to the detriment of
users who have paid for it? Betcha there's a crack in the law a good
lawyer would jump right in..Hate to be serious, just felt drawn to spam
like a slug to salt..,the political scene down here is tedious beyond
belief, a battle between tweedledum and tweedledumber, and the best that
can be said for either of 'em is that the other guy's worse..wish they
got ALL the spam everybody else didn't want..dunno why Bill doesn't
run..if he'd just buy the justice department outright he'd be better
off..think the answer isn't break up microsoft, it's just let it buy out
the govt..the oil companies have had it long enough..from extremely
south of the border, dreamin of those cool skies..Mitch S.
:: WIFE BEATING ACCORDING TO GOD ::
I ripped this off from somewhere online (what?! It's a credit....)
Controversial religious book describes wife-beating measures
August 10, 2000
Web posted at: 11:52 AM EDT (1552 GMT)
ANKARA, Turkey (AP) -- A state-funded religious foundation has sparked
public anger by publishing a book that says that men can beat their
wives as long as they avoid the face and don't strike too hard.
The "Muslim's Handbook," written by retired cleric Kemal Guran, also
says that if a man's wife is ill and he cannot afford a servant, he can
take a second wife.
"I am outraged that such a book was published with state funds -- with
money women paid in taxes," Zuhal Kilic said Wednesday. She heads the
women's group KADER, which aims to promote women in politics.
Sema Piskinsut, head of parliament's committee on human rights, said
"no one has the right to hit another person." Her comments were
reported in the Turkish Daily News.
The book was published by the Religious Foundation, which is affiliated
with Turkey's government-run Religious Affairs Directorate. The
directorate appoints all Muslim clerics and dictates topics to be
preached at mosques.
Although other religious books published in the past have said wife
beating was permissible, the "Muslim's Handbook" comes as the
directorate is trying to present a modern interpretation of Islam,
including greater rights for Muslim women.
Women's groups did not directly call for action against the foundation,
which is already in trouble with the military.
The military is investigating whether the foundation violated laws by
publishing a separate book that calls the armed forces "not a national
army but the army of a faction (of society)."
The army is staunchly secular and is championing a crackdown against
political Islam. Insulting the army is punishable by a maximum prison
sentence of six years.
Copyright 2000 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material
may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.
(Goddamn I hate religion - Ed.)
:: SLOBBER, TWITCH, DROOL - BY MITCH S. ::
So discovered Napster, sorta like discoverin crack..s been here all
along, howcum nobody TOLD me not to smoke that shit..? Y'mean THATS
what those posters in the bus stations were talking about? Several
pounds of dark roast coffee, and incipient kidney failure, later. with
space on my hard drive shrinking faster than I wanna think about..
NAPSTER ROCKS! n rollls, n jams boogies jukes jives jitters jumps ad
idfinitum salaam, AMEN! Dear brethren and cistern, NAPSTER IS WAAAAAY
KEWL!! Yeah, I know I'm the last one on the planet to find out, n'maybe
only miners in Borneo don't have it hooked up 24/7 ALREADY..but if
you're feelin' a little subBornean these days, HOOK IT UP!! 'Cause long
as it lasts, it's God's own jukebox..and he's buying..YOUR MUSIC<FREE,
and like pennies from heaven, bring a BIIG bucket..thinking of
upgrading yer hard drive? Better get a bigger one than that, or maybe
just ADD ONE ON! CANT wait fer OG! (GROK OG?) So say a novena fer
Napster, or sacrifice a goat..whatever..just think 'em the good
thoughts, and put yer fave rare tracks on line NOW>>sooner you, YES,
that's YOU< geeks n geekettes >plug IN, hook up, and start swappin'
files, sooner I can get my grubby paws on yer tender virginal MP3's,
slobber, twitch, drool..this propaganda is intended to be entirely
self-serving, and in no way implies an ongoing relationship with
corporate scum..Have a nice day.
Mitch S.
:: THIS FUCKER IS SO HOLY HE LEVITATES SPONTANEOUSLY - BY MITCH S. ::
so is this a real life world changin' paradigm or what..boyz n
grrlz..we is becoming connected..with every new subscriber this
amorphous amoeba pulsates a little stronger, with every access upgrade
and new motherboard this usenet ezine becomes SERIOUS SHIT! What th'
fuck? Are we important yet? No? Good, cause we ain't ready fer prime
time..mostly every dogooder I ever met got his thumb in my buttonhole
just before his hand went for my wallet, let's pretend I'm different,
just for a minute..I LIKE publishing my work..wanna keep on doing it.
Howcome y'uz guyz don't do YER thing? Kin I see some feedback here? Can
I getta AMEN from anybody? Da guy that puts this shite out is
sustained wholly by tofu and peyote, this fucker is so holy he levitates
spontaneously..do you expect this AVATAR to continue forever spreading
enlightenment to sleeping DOGS? So as our guru Ross Perot sez, "With a
giant sucking sound", please, dearly beloved, pull thy heads out.
Contribute yer thoughts, download yer dreams..feed us MITCH S.
:: COMMON CUNNING-LINGUIST - SOUTHERN VERSION ::
This was ripped from some other place.
Southern Computer Lingo
1) Hard Drive: Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires
and a trailer load of fertilizer
2) Keyboard: Place to hang your truck keys
3) Window: Place in your truck to hang your guns
4) Modem: How you got rid of your dandelions
5) Reboot: What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard
stuff
6) Mouse: Soft, fuzzy thing that you stuff in your beer bottle to get a
free case
7) LAN: To borrow, as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me your truck!"
8) Cursor: What some guys do when they get mad at their woman
>>>Source: http://www.geocities.com/~chuckleaday/computers.html
:: COMMON CUNNING-LINGUIST - NONSOUTHERN VERSION ::
This bit was ripped from wired news service....
>From the Netslaves guys as Disobey comes a few new words for your
Internet vocabulary....
DOOMIE's: Downsized Opportunists and Other Morons of the Internet
Economy
DIPSOW's: Downwardly-Mobile Internet Professionals Whose Stock Options
are Worthless (Note: These people are often seen drinking
alone at once-fashionable, but now-empty NewMedia cigar bars.)
BOBORU's: Burned Out, But Optimistic (for Reasons Unknown)
FIMOTU's: Former Masters of the Internet Universe
PLAGIE's: Peeled Like a Grape by Internet Economy
LEDIE's: Lost Everything Due to Irrational Exuberance
BECOSEDS: Bet Entire Career on Something Esther Dyson Said
:: ETC ::
If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section
you'd like to write or if you just hate VD and want to send in cheap
ass stupid insults, type 'em up and send it to v_d@iname.com.
Music that inspired this issue: None. I was too stoned to turn on the
cd player...
400 subscribers
This issue has been a MitchBitchItch...
Next issue September 12/00
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Morbus wants this disclaimer shite here. Why? Ask-A-Morbus...It's kinda
like Whack-A-Mole.
Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at:
http://www.disobey.com/text/
Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah.
Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh.
Publication by Disobey.
http://www.disobey.com/
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...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on.
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