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Viewer Discretion vol. 2 issue 8 Nov. 9:99
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99/9 .voN 2 .lov 8 eussi r e w e i\_\ / /
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mth.noitrecsid_reweiv/sgnitsil/wol/moc.yebosid.www//:ptth \|___|
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. . . g n i n i a m e r s y a d 2 5 e r a e r e h t
In this issue:
WELCOME
QUOTABLE
AMERIKAN DEATHSHITE
OPERATION PANTS - SUBMITTED BY BUNNIE23
ETHICAL SHITE - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M.
QUOTABLE ANDY - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M.
BLAIR, BLAIR EVERY-WITCH-WHERE
NEW YEAR'S KISSHITE
REAL HEADLINES
NOT BREATHING/DEAD VOICES ON AIR TOUR - FROM THE INSTAGON LIST
ETC
:: WELCOME ::
Welcome to the "backwards assed country fuck/bovine" issue starring AFeXT.
Yes, AFeXT, as in that miserable sod from south of 49th parallel...<g>
In response to Goatboy's unintentional prose last issue AFeXT had this
to say:
Tell goat boy that I'd fuck him...
..Or don't.
Uh, no you tell him. Keep your homosexual fantasies away from me there
pigmy pony boy. Sheesh a guy writes one stinkin' poem and everyone
wants to fuck him up the ass. Not that there's any wrong with that...<g>
OK. Now your five minutes are over AFeXT. Lets move on...
Sadly we got no questions for the LET'S ASK ANGIE column idea. Angie
was crushed. So if you want to cheer her up, send some really seedy
questions to v_d@iname.com with ASK ANGIE in the subject line. C'mon
people, I know her answers will be worth the price of admission alone.
In other news... I was at the annual Royal Winter Fair here in Toronto
yesterday with my kids school trip. I happened upon this bovine
genetics display where they were holding this show special draw. It was
their main promotion thingy at their booth. So I started reading to see
just what they were giving away and found out that the winner of the
draw would win their choice of one of several types of - are you ready?
- I kid you not - bovine sperm!?!?! So after I finished laughing
hysterically (internally of course) I got a great idea... Yup - I filled
out about a hundred ballots ... in Morbus' name!!!!. Good luck buddy <g>
Bwahahahahahaha
Bovine sperm?!?!? Goddamn - them backwards assed country fuck farmers
know how to live big... Kinda like rodeo sex - but that's a whole other
politically incorrect issue...
After visiting that agriculture fair though I realized one thing - I
really want to go back to being a vegetarian. Man, there were so many
fucking bovine genetic companies there showing pictures of their
genetically enhanced cows with udders the size of small cars, having
daily milk outputs large enough to feed most 3rd world countries. I'm
scared to let myself think about what was in that burger I ate for
lunch on the weekend - I keep waiting for my scrotum to start growing
and become really engorged and veiny - shudder my udder that's a horror
story if ever I heard one...
Anyways, as always - enjoy the issue or don't. But I guarantee it to be
100% bovine genetically engineered chemical free and recyclable to
boot. And oh yeah, Morbus, keep checking you mailbox for your contest
winnings. It will be in the sticky envelope...moooooooo
:: QUOTABLE ::
"Microsoft wields so much power in the Intel PC market that it could
charge a price for Windows that is substantially higher than it would
be able to charge in a truly competitive marketplace."
-Judge Jackson US vs. MS antitrust suit
"We will bind the shell to the Internet Explorer, so that running any
other browser is a jolting experience"
-Brad Chase, Microsoft executive
"Given a level playing field, Sun, AOL/Netscape, Linux, Apple, Netware,
and hundreds of others are more than capable of competing on their own.
It's high time we let that happen."
-Paul Thurrott, WinInfo: Windows news and information, WUGNET:
http://www.wugnet.com/wininfo
"Mooooooooo"
-some stupid cow at the Royal Winter Fair
:: AMERIKAN DEATHSHITE ::
I read this story about a Yank convicted of murder 15 years or so ago
in Florida. Typically he was sentenced to death but managed to delay
the execution by announcing to all who would listen that he was in fact
Jesus Christ. Funny, how when you're about to be cooked or gassed you
find out these really neat things about yourself - like all sudden
you're just misunderstood as you're really the son of God not just some
scumbag killer. Uh huh. Anyways, the fun part of this story is in what
one state politician had to say. When asked about the convicted killer
he replied:
"Doesn't he think he's Jesus Christ or something?"
"Why don't we just crucify him? I'd make him a
cross and we could take it out there to [death row]
and nail him up."(Reuters)
I bet the crucifixion would get more political brownie points with the
extreme right than an plain old electric chair death... But what if the
guy rose up after 3 days? I bet in this day and age, if he was Christ,
he'd be real pissed and wouldn't turn the other cheek. He'd be like a
kick ass super antihero. Hope he kills all the right false-prophets-
preachers-cum-politicians first. I'd turn religious just to watch that.
Imagine Jerry Fallwell getting pummelled on national tv by JC himself?!
That would be hysterical. It'd be like a WWF cage match. Woohoo!
:: OPERATION PANTS - SUBMITTED BY BUNNIE23 ::
Seeing as gnomes were featured last issue I figured pants with elves
in them would be a nice follow up and so in that vein....
> On Thu, 28 Oct 1999, bunnie23 wrote:
>
> From the bored geek minds of #dvoa comes....Operation Pants!
> Plans are in the works for a soon to be world famous commune of
> non-satan worshipers located somewhere in the wilds of Denver,
> Colorado.
>
> Details thus far:
>
> 1. Official motto: "OUR Pants have ELVES in them."
>
> 2. Chickens will be trained as attack guards, wearing tiny helmets
> with riding crops glued to their wings and driving miniature tanks.
> The ATF will be no match for our chickens!
>
> 3. Cows will be in abundance for the purpose of producing psilocybin
> for King Poop, aka ergot66.
>
> 4. I, bunnibee, will be Queen of Operation Pants. I already have the
> tiara, fairy wand and dozens of rubber bracelets necessary for the
> job.
>
> 5. No monkeys allowed on the premises. (sorry AFeXT that includes
> you -Ed.<g>)
>
> 6. Celebrity recruitment underway soon to secure funds for
> purchasing real estate, livestock, pixie sticks and pants.
>
> 7. King Poop will sleep with the pigs. Why...uh...we're not sure.
>
> Come join the not so friendly folks at Operation Pants on the quest
> for world domination through better pants living. This offer void
> where prohibited, or anywhere John Tesh cd's are sold.
>
> *moooo*
>
> Queen Bunnibee
> http://www.dangermedia.org/bunniee/
> (soon to be more than just a broken link)
:: ETHICAL SHITE - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M. ::
Two ethical questions:
Q1: If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already,
three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she
had syphilis; would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one.
Q2: It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here
are the facts about the three leading candidates:
Candidate A Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with
astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks
8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used
opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't
smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital
affairs.
Which of these candidates would be your choice?
Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler
And by the way.....The abortion question...
If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.
:: QUOTABLE ANDY - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW M.::
Yes, once again, more quotes from the Quotemiester himself, Mr Miller.
If you want to receive his quotes directly then send a note to:
amiller@teleport.com and tell him VD sent ya.
* Subtlety *
Baldrick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple
and danced on top of a harpsichord, singing "Subtle Plans Are Here
Again!"
-Ebenezer Blackadder in Blackadder's Christmas Carol (1988)
* Humorous *
"We at the FBI do not have a sense of humour we're aware of."
-Kay, Men in Black (1997)
"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it."
-Groucho Marx
Men were real men. Women were real women. And small, furry creatures
from Alpha Centauri were *real* small, furry creatures from Alpha
Centauri.
-Announcer, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (1981)
* Prediction *
"An unsophisticated forecaster uses statistics as a drunken man uses
lamp-posts - for support rather than for illumination. "
-Andrew Lang
"Forecasting is the art of saying what will happen, and then explaining
why it didn't! "
-Anonymous (communicated by Balaji Rajagopalan)
"If you can look into the seeds of time, and say which grain will grow
and which will not, speak then unto me. "
-William Shakespeare
"My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of
my life there."
-C.F. Kettering
"Wall Street indices predicted nine out of the last five recessions!"
-Paul A. Samuelson in Newsweek, Science and Stocks, 19 September 1966
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
-Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
You're crazy."
-Drillers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist in his project to drill
for oil in 1859.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
-Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
-Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de
Guerre.
* Bureaucracy *
"I'm smiling on the outside and beating you senseless on the inside.
You creep!"
-S.P. Eills, artist recalling sentiment after redesigning a single
product multiple times.
* Cats *
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can not get eight cats to pull a sled
through snow."
-Jeff Valdez
"We all have our 'good old days' tucked away inside our hearts, and we
return to them in daydreams like cats to favourite armchairs."
-Brian Carter
"The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to
admitting it."
-Doug Larson
:: BLAIR, BLAIR EVERY-WITCH-WHERE ::
I read about this in Zentertainment. This might actually be a game that
I'd be interested in...
BLAIR WITCH GAME IN DEVELOPMENT GATHERING OF DEVELOPERS has announced
its NOCTURNE gaming engine will be used in a BLAIR WITCH PROJECT game
the company is developing with TERMINAL REALITY. While exact details
are unknown, the game is believed to be a prequel to the film,
chronicling the start of the Blair Witch legend.
:: NEW YEAR'S KISSHITE ::
More interesting (or not depending on your taste or lack there-of) from
Zentertainment... I wanna rocknroll aw night n pawty everyday......
Tickets will go on sale this Saturday at 9:30am PT for a special KISS
concert on December 31st, at Vancouver, Canada's BC PLACE. The show,
with full pyrotechnic effects, a beer garden, and dance floor, will be
recorded and released next year on both audio and video, as "Alive IV."
Several big name opening acts are expected to be announced shortly.
http://www.kissonline.net
http://info.ticketmaster.ca
Hmmm - maybe there should include a make-up studio as well. Pay $10 and
get a professional Kiss make over...? Anyone wanna bet that Marilyn
Manson shows up on the bill?
:: REAL HEADLINES ::
These are some honest to God real headlines taken from either The
Toronto Sun or The Toronto Star newspapers. A dyslexic friend of mine
named Bob or boB gave them to me.
"Audience claps as alligator gnaws on wrestler's head"
"Hubby takes one last shot....Wife shot back"
"Tiger eats man's arm"
"$43G's to tour Titanic - Sub service starts in August"
"Peer into a showcase of pain"
"Microsoft chief gets full share of the pie"
"Free Winnie the Pooh, British MP says"
"Trampled by the Net"
"Monica Lewinsky suffering death of a thousand 'instant news' dispatches"
"Killer vampire convicted...Pair butchered to 'open gates of hell'"
"Deep in haunted Toronto, something spooky stirs"
"'Goofy' raped, killed 140 children"
:: NOT BREATHING/DEAD VOICES ON AIR TOUR - FROM THE INSTAGON LIST ::
I received this on the Instagon list last night. If you don't know it,
DVOA is a musical experience really worth checking out (especially if
they are coming to a venue near you).
####
if you have any ideas of good venues or ideas for time not spent well -
well let me know - it's all good - hopefully the new not breathing
panties will be finished printing for this tour - we want to keep the
ladies happy please come and buy some things from us - we will all be
really poor and tell everyone to go
hah
DEAD VOICES ON AIR / NOT BREATHING TOUR
November / December 1999.
The following is a list of CONFIRMED shows ( as of 11.5.99 ) More to be
announced. Addresses, time, ticket prices etc. will follow shortly.
Nov 25 Vancouver, BC. Brickyard.
Nov 26 Seattle, WA. Fenix.
Nov 27 Portland, OR. Paris Theatre.
Nov 28 Eugene, OR. John Henry's.
Nov 29 Sacramento, CA. Experimental Media Research Lab.
Nov 30 San Francisco, CA. Cocodrie.
Dec 1 Los Angeles, CA to be confirmed.
Dec 2 Phoenix, AZ. Modified.
Dec 3 Albuquerque, NM. Bandito's Hideout.
Dec 5 Austin, to be confirmed.
Dec 6 San Antonio, TX. Re-verb Lounge.
Dec 8 Columbia ,MO. Shattered.
Dec 9 Chicago, IL confirmed, venue to be announced.
Dec 10 Detroit, MI. confirmed, venue to be announced.
Dec 11 Columbus, OH. The Lab.
Dec 12 Cleveland, OH Speak in Tongues.
Dec 13 Pittsburgh, PA. Millvale Industrial Theatre.
Dec 14 Richmond, VA. Artspace.
Dec 15 Washington ,DC. Metro Cafe.
Dec 16 Baltimore, MD. to be confirmed.
Dec 17 Philadelphia, to be confirmed.
Dec 18 Lowell, MA. Voix.
Dec 19 Boston, MA or Albany, NY to be announced.
Dec 20 New York City, NY, Alchemy at CBGB's.
Dec 21 Rochester, NY or Canada
Dec 22 Canada
Dec 23 Canada
--
dave wright
not breathing sound system
http://dust.net/nb/
:: ETC ::
You can catch VD. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. If you want VD delivered
to your mailbox, send an empty email to: v_d-subscribe@makelist.com
Conversely, if you don't want VD, figure it out (it has something to do
with empty mail and v_d-unsubscribe@makelist.com - duh).
If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section
you'd like to write or whatever, type it up and send it in a note to
v_d@iname.com or don't.
Next issue November 23/99
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Morbus made me put this here cos he's a "visionary"...
Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at:
http://www.disobey.com/text/
Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah.
Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh.
Publication by Disobey.
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...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on.
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