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Viewer Discretion vol. 1 issue 14 february 2:99
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\ \ /_/i e w e r issue 14 vol. 1 february 2/99
\ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266
\__| |/ v_d@iname.com
| _ |/ archived at disobey.com
|___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/
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In this issue:
WELCOME
QUOTABLE
HORROR - BY MORBUS
NO FRILLS OF OUR LIVES - BY GOATBOY
GOATSPEAK
ETC
:: WELCOME ::
Welcome to the "this was going to be a rant but I changed my mind"
message. Why did I change my mind you may ask? Well, read on, read on...
A while back I asked for someone to send a review of VD to it's archive
site on the web. I didn't ask for someone to send specifically a good
review, I just wanted a review. Constructive criticism is healthy and
desired by anyone who publishes online. Well, a person by the name of
Anti-Press took up the challenge and wrote a review. Overall A-P rated
VD a B. That's not bad, but still room for improvement. A-P had some
valid criticisms and observations. I'm still in contact with this
person and have built a good online relationship with them. As I have
with others I have met online but never in real life.
What's my point here? My point is it's all about communication. Online
we seem to still be in our infancy, especially when it comes to shit
like flame wars about "my site being better than your site", etc. And
it was in this vein that VD recently received an unsolicited critique
that said we were "shitty, lame, pretentious, a vulgar teen thing
without the humour." Yet we were invited to check out his site and offer
comments.
I succumbed to my base instincts and exchanged a couple of emails with
the author of that note before I remembered why I hate and don't
usually get involved in flame wars - they're completely fucking
counter-productive. The amount of time I spent writing a reply to this
person and talking to others about it could have spent on writing
content for VD or TAF.
So I got to thinking about how best to deal with this kind of thing and
I came up with an idea. If the author of the above noted critique truly
doesn't like VD for it's lack of direction or whatever reason, then send
me an article that you think will help steer VD in the direction you
feel it needs to improve on and I'll publish that article in its
entirety. In return for your article I will write and submit a piece
that I feel will enhance your site. This way we both win by gaining new
contributors and fresh content. And neither of us has to whine about who's
site or article is better. So there you go Julian. It's up to you.
Anyways, that's the last time I'll be writing about someone's bitch
notes to VD in this column. In the future I'll either publish them
(with no response) or delete them.
In other news...this issue of VD pays its own special tribute to
Goatboy in the GOATSPEAK column. Check it out.
Over and out.
:: QUOTABLE ::
"Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look
like he hasn't eaten in a while."
-Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball
opponent in the Olympics.
"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when
God talks to us we're schizophrenic?"
-Lily Tomlin
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the
Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"
-Robin Williams
:: HORROR - BY MORBUS ::
ANGUISH
Incredibly disheartened by my lack of headaches, I went to the video
store with every intent on buying a film that would have me either
bored shitless, or so pained that even sleeping wouldn't provide a
respite.
All I can say is that the movie store (Video Thunder, in this case)
must have knew I was coming. Sitting on one of the shelves was ANGUISH,
with a large red spiral on the front centring out from this old
woman's (Zelda Rubinstein) eyeball. And a warning: "Contains scenes of
powerful hypnosis, shocking crimes and unrelenting terror."
Five minutes and two movies later (they were running a special),
ANGUISH was in a bag and heading toward my VCR slot. I was prepared for
a horrible movie. And the first 20 to 25 minutes of the movie confirmed
that - yes, it was going to give me a headache.
Mostly filled with Zelda's (you might remember her from the Poltergeist
movies) scratchy voice and facial close-ups, the first part of the movie
treats you to more spiralling graphics on screen that one could care to
imagine. You see, she's telepathically controlling her son into
collecting the eyeballs of people who have pissed her off.
Pretty typical movie with a healthy dose of spirals. Yet suddenly, the
movie zooms out and we see that we're actually in a movie theatre
watching Zelda on the big screen.
Lemme tell ya, once that transition happens, the movie goes into kick
ass pretty damn quickly. As we see one girl be more and more disturbed
by the movie on screen, we find that a mirror is happening - what
happens on screen happens more or less in real life, in not so obvious
ways. Occasionally you can't tell if real life is mirroring the on
screen movie or the other way around.
ANGUISH was one of those movies which took me by surprise - it looks
pretty damn stupid, but it's not. Heartily recommended if not for it's
originality, but also for it's record of onscreen spirals in one
sitting.
:: NO FRILLS OF OUR LIVES - BY GOATBOY ::
How to create bombs with stuff found in grocery stores.
You have an 8 and a half hour shift. The customers are buggering you
(not in the sexual manner fortunately, but we're not all that far from
that). You're bored. What to do?
Create a bomb! It's simple. It's easy. And it's all at hand! Never has
anyone realised the dangerous and potential that a grocery store holds.
But here it is, for the first time, not even found in the Anarchist
handbook, how to build a bomb out of simple grocery supplies.
Delayed reaction bomb:
This one is great when you want the damage to happen, but you don't
want to be there to witness it and need an alibi. There is nothing
better than hearing an explosion and thinking "hee hee that was me".
Take a bottle of Coke. Don't get any other brand. While it is a
shame to waste such a beautiful delightful drink for this purpose,
coke seems to be the most powerful reactant on our list of chemicals.
Take a balloon and fill it as much as you can with salt. Ordinary salt
will do, but if you can get your filthy hands on rock salt, or
industrial grade salt, you are laughing. You see, while ordinary table
salt will cause the same type of reaction, if you use industrial grade
salt, you will be able to fit more into the balloon. This is due to it's
size and weight. The more salt you can fit into the balloon, the better
the chemical reaction.
Open the bottle of Coke, and put the head of the balloon over the neck
of the bottle. Be sure not to make any salt fall into the Coke, or the
weapon will backfire on you. Carefully put the balloon around the neck
of the bottle and use tape to hold it in place. This has two functions.
First of all, the tape will hold the balloon in place while the chemical
reaction begins. Second, thanks to the design of Coke bottles, with
that little rim around the neck to allow you to hold in your hands, it
will not come off due to the pressure created.
That's it! The bomb is ready. Put the bomb inside someone's bag, and
lift the trigger to activate it. The "trigger" is nothing more than
lifting the balloon up high so that all the salt falls into the Coke.
Quickly leave.
The balloon will start to inflate due to the chemical reaction produced
by the salt mixing with the Coke. While the pressure in the balloon
increases to 25 atmospheres, the balloon is slowly reaching it's
critical point of endurance.
It's usually advisable not to be around when the explosion occurs if
you don't want to be covered in foamy Coke. It may also cause severe
injuries from the owner of the bag.
For a few laughs, make sure you and all your evil doers are around when
this happens.
A few have contemplated that vinegar and baking powder does wonders,
but trust me: nothing works better than Coke and salt. I'm not sure why
that is, but it might have something at to do with the qualities of
Coke (i.e. cleaning batteries contacts, melting steel nails after a few
months...). You decide.
Until next week, with the little grocery clerk anarchist guide, happy
bombing.
:: GOATSPEAK ::
Goatspeak?!?! Yes, Goatspeak. Goatspeak is the wonderful way in which
Goatboy phrases his thoughts in communication via email, through VD or
through his zine Capital of Nasty. I'm amused as much by how he says
something as I am as to what he actually says. So I decided to scan a
few months worth of correspondence with him and pick out what I thought
were the choice examples of Goatspeak. Yes, they are all out of
context, but you know, they kinda read like a William S. Burroughs
story like this. And if that ain't one of the highest compliments I can
pay Goatboy, I don't what is. Anyways, to honour a truly nice and
funny guy here is VD's first compilation of GOATSPEAK:
I hate you
hockey with tomatoes
I'm an optical illusion
opening their skulls like an old watermelon
flip our nutsack in a frenzy of revengeful dick play
asshole with a cause
macaroni and cheese on a silver platter
kiss my ass smile
my testicles start flipping in my pants. You can actually hear them.
They make a "voom voom voom" noise. If it's really bad they start
humming
The only jingle you'll hear is the one of my balls as I try to contain
myself from committing homicide
Santa Claus and all his balls
People that suck
Big Cheese
sucked dry by school
bugger me up
Do they show her naked (in the doll version)?
shit, life sucks lately
Some people find the use of the word "testicle" disgusting
IGA militia
set your case-cutters from stun, to kill!
no frillian academy
it's a Goudas day to die
KIFF my ass
EvErYtHinG lIkE tHiS BeCaUsE iT mAkEs 'Em So c00l
killing a bug with a nuclear bomb
rock his monkey
sucked major donkey
too much here of nothing at all (and that's no oxymoron)
he's also big brained
a gnat's testicle hair
Yapper
These camels touch it and kiss it
I did not fuck her in the coffee shop
Groovie
skoodly
Cool Beans
English for Morons
Their toilet paper is stained with shit lines
big, friendly, loveable, fuck you smile
spinach chin
Life is cruel
you are Morbus' secret sister
an enema over her would've been better
you feckin' American
shake their own shit off themselves
And that's it....for Goatspeak. But to further honour Goatboy I have
enlisted the talents of VD's very own Bad ASCII - Short Notice artist
Morbus, to conjure up an image of the lad so we can all put a face to
his Goatspeak. And as you can see below Morbus has out done himself
(as usual) capturing what I think is the very essence of that almost
mythical creature we affectionately call Goatboy...
_____ _____
/__.. \ /..___\
\.\_________/,/
\. .__/
/ |
___/ o |
/ ___ ] |
`/ |____ |
_____| / G'nap! G'nap!
\________/ <\/>
Bwa ha. Man, this doesn't even make sense... heh...
:: ETC ::
You can catch VD in many various way but you can only get the VD brand
of Goatspeak delivered to your mailbox by sending an empty email to:
v_d-subscribe@makelist.com
Conversely, if you don't speak or understand Goatspeak and don't want
no more, send an empty email to v_d-unsubscribe@makelist.com
Pretty simple huh? No need to flip your nutsack.
If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section
you'd like to write or whatever, type it up and send it in a note to
v_d@iname.com or get your own damn zine.
Viewer Discretion is archived exclusively at Low Bandwidth -
http://www.disobey.com/low/listings/viewer_discretion.htm
because even though he's a "feckin' American...he's also big brained"
Morbus appears courtesy of disobey.com
Goatboy appears courtesy of capnasty.org
Dictionary definitions you won't find at home:
Brain Fart - A by-product of a bloated mind producing information
effortlessly. A burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on
the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik
bust?" Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative
connotations.
Next issue February 16/99
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Morbus made me put this here cos he's a "visionary"...
Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at:
http://www.disobey.com/text/
Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah.
Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh.
Publication by Disobey.
http://www.disobey.com/
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...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on.
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