Copy Link
Add to Bookmark
Report
Warpzine Issue 07
( w a r p z i n e # 0 0 7 ) ------------ ( f e b 0 5 , 1 9 9 8 )
i only released warpzine#006 3 hours ago, but... well... i
promised quip that i would do something for omlette number 3, so
here it is: warpzine#007, written exclusively for omlette. that's
right folks, you won't be able to find this issue anywhere else.
so yeah, enjoy.
( tv sucks ) ---------------------------------------------------------
have you noticed that there is too much crap on tv?
the bullshit channel
--------------------
" today on the show we examine the life of a world famous refrigerator
expert from the north-eastern part of new orleans, we look at the
evolution of the mousepad, and we will of course be showing you a
live death metal concert from the vatican. "
much bible
----------
" joining me today is a cult leader from nebraska who claims that god
spoke to him in a dream and told him to get a real job. "
pots and pans
-------------
" are pots and pans real? do they exist? can they really help us to
cook and fry our foods? is there such a thing as a kitchen? many
people claim that they have been abducted into alien kitchens,
where they have been fed numerous alien dishes. are these stories
real? join me, pamela anderson, as i try to answer some of these
profound questions. "
the checkers connection
-----------------------
" today from birmingham: the world championship checker finals,
tomorrow: the history of checkers, and friday: the repeat of the
world championship checker finals. "
honey
-----
" from the creators of cityTV, muchMUSIC, and bravo comes a channel
dedicated entirely to, you've guessed it, honey! of course it's
really boring, and it costs $29.99, but you don't HAVE to get it. "
( new olympic events ) -----------------------------------------------
i've always thought that there were too many boring events at the
olympic games. next thursday i am going to be writing a letter to
the olympic committee in which i will state my terms: "add some new
exciting events or i will kill you". then, i will not mail it. i
am still a tad too insecure about starting a relationship as intense
as that.
track and feel - in this exciting new event, athletes track each
other down and then feel each other up.
mini cold war - a cold war on a small scale, fought between two
teams of 14 players each. the full game lasts
50 years.
death hurdles - just like normal hurdles, except that the
hurdles are actually five pickup trucks driving
towards the athletes at speeds approaching 300
miles an hour. world record: 5 metres.
sex - come on, people have been doing it alone and in
teams for centuries! why not make it commercial,
like basketball?
find martin - in this event, submitted by a turkish prison
guard, the athletes have to find martin. the
catch is that nobody knows who martin is, where
he lives, or even what his mother's maiden name
is.
random characters - contestants shout out as many random characters
from the ASCII character set as they can. the
amiga version of this event is currently being
invented.
and no, there is no masturbation event. that's disguisting. you
should be ashamed of yourself for thinking about that kind of stuff.
( where i see the world in 20 years ) --------------------------------
i'm a big science fiction buff, so i was bound to do this someday.
sit back, relax, and let me take you on a tour to 21st century.
after my takeover of the world, seven new letters will be introduced
to the english alphabet. they will be taken from the polish
alphabet.
the united states of america will be invaded by my private army.
all american politicians will be sent to the moon where they will
suffocate.
there will be a new channel on cable: the bellybutton network. this
channel will show variouis bellybuttons 24 hours a day.
there will be a prohibition of french fries which will last 27 years.
iraq and spain will finally merge into one country.
the third world war will be fought between southern france and the
brazilian empire. vietnam and antartica will join the war in 2035.
ice cream prices will soar in 2647.
well, that's all i see. actually, i see a lot more, but those
aren't really predictions, they're kind of fantasies, and some of
them are really sick.
( a contest! ) -------------------------------------------------------
some of the previous contests may not have been as successfull as i
might have wanted them to be, but this one is quite amazing, at
least in theory.
the purpose of this contest is to guess what kind of person i am. i
will provide you with a variety of statements, and you will answer
with either a 'true' or a 'false'.
every statement you guess right will get you 2 points. every
mistake will cost you 1 point. the person with the most points will
of course win.
TRUE | FALSE | STATEMENT
-------|-----------|------------------------------------------------
| |
| | when i was younger i used to watch ants walk
| | around for hours.
| |
| | one time i was attacked by a turkey.
| |
| | i started crying during the viewing of my
| | first anime cartoon.
| |
| | i used to drink heavily in early grade 11.
| |
| | i have a black and white picture of myself as
| | a baby, holding a beer bottle, trying to
| | drink out of it.
| |
| |
| | i once really liked to watch american
| | football on tv.
| |
| | i hate really hot weather more than really
| | cold weather.
| |
| | i used to get beat up in kindergarden every
| | day by the same three kids.
| |
| |
| | one time i fought back, and they left me
| | alone.
| |
| | one of them ended up becoming one of my best
| | friends.
| |
| | he now lives in texas and is a preacher.
| |
| | as a kid, i was really good at art.
| |
| | one of my favourite hobbies when i was
| | younger was setting things on fire.
| |
| |
| | i am constantly afraid that something is
| | going to touch my leg when i'm lying in bed.
| |
| |
| | i always write better when i'm listening to
| | music at the same time.
| |
| |
--------------------------------------------------------------------
well, there you go. simply fill out this form, send it in to
tbroniew@uwaterloo.ca (or give it to me in person), and i will pick
the winner... well, not for another 3 weeks, unless i get a lot of
replies.
what's the prize? i'm not quite sure. maybe i'll interview you for
the next warpzine? who knows. actually, how about this... you
pick your own prize! as long as it's reasonable of course. sound
good?
( the end ) ----------------------------------------------------------
well, it's over again. i'd like to wish quip good luck with omlette
(they know it's spelled wrong), and hope that he decides to change
the name to its polish counterpart, omlet. i hope you've enjoyed
this issue of warpzine, which isn't a very creative name, i know,
but i don't care.
( tbroniew@uwaterloo.ca ) ( warpus ) ( 05.02.98 )
warpzine#007 is (c) 1998 bell canada, all rights reserved.
