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eL aFGHANO Issue 2

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Published in 
eL aFGHANO
 · 21 Aug 2020

  

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isSUE2 `ï `ü$$üï nO FAME - nO SHAME
--------------------------------------------------------------

iNiTiAL WARNiNG!!:- This mag suck! If you like it your stupid!

EDiTORiAL by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
eL aFGHANO is the first e-mag from Afghanistan! We are very
proud of it. This is already the second issue. I think it is
even bigger and better than the first. First internal news:
We've thrown out Afghanbashi from the staff bcuz he sucks, he
inserted spelling errors in my K3WL articles deliberately. But
we still allow him to write articles. You ask who translates
articles to English now? It's our new member of the staff,
pedro! He was born in the year 2121 in some poor country by
the west coast of Eurasia. At the age of 9, he left it for the
east in order to search for gold there and become rich. At the
age of 11, he met the yeti and got almost eaten up by him.
Luckily a guy from Tibet was on a walk through the Himalaya
for recreation and saved him. For three years, pedro lived in
Tibet and fought for the independence from the cat-eaters. In
the end he won against the evil cat-eater troops and suddenly
the people in Tibet saw their new dalai lama in him, but he
was bored with his religious and political duties and headed
north-west for more adventures. He passed the little frontier
to Afghanistan and headed south for Nuristan, where all of a
sudden a great wind occured and took him back a hundred and
twenty-one years ago... eh, actually it didn't, because it did
not reach the speed of light as pedro has just told me, but
who cares, in some way or another he's reached the year
2000... oh, actually we're in the year 1400 or so, I forgot,
forgive me, one and only! Oh please don't be upset at me! I'll
send you special holy words as a compensation! almanuska tera
sumaletiskonejsne nam asperimatura num solmi semnak som na
skaru terje num sedumene ale mane menuhinskom OK?? Hope so,
hope so! Anyway, you find this story neither credible nor
incredible, do you? Right, it's plain childish! So let me tell
you the truth, I've learned English. That's why I now write my
name Mohammed NapolŠon instead of Mohammed Napole¢n because it
shows that I've forgotten my frog-eater knowledge and am now
an expert at BSE-eater langua instead. unnamayadeliriabelsikum
Ah yeah by the way: IF YOU ARE READING THIS MAG WITH A TEXT
VIEWER THAT DOES NOT USE THE HOLY AFGHANE COLOURS (BLACK, RED
AND GREEN), STOP RIGHT NOW! YOU ARE MAKING OUR ONE AND ONLY
UPSET! sonomajostersniskusimnejskomatinobenjenapetimbesomsnism
I s'pose now only worthy readers are still there? Good! Then
let's go!

THE NEW DESiGN OF eL aFGHANO by Arturo Ui, co editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
As you see eL aFGHANO has been redesigned! What are the
changes? First of all stupid aFGHANO logo by very stupid
Afghanbashi has been replaced by a new one! OK it looks pretty
close but it ain't the same now is it? Rite, so you can't
blame us for ripping nething! Second you see my articles AIN'T
ALL UPPER CASE AND FULL OF SPELLING ERRORS ANYMORE THIS IS
BECAUSE MOHAMMED NOW PROOFREADS MY ARTICLES WHICH HE CAN DO
BECAUSE HE HAS LEARNT ENGLISH; BUT UNFORTUNATELY HES VERY
SLOPPY AND SO DOESN'T ALWAYS DO THAT!!!!! ANYWAY MY ARTICLES
SHOULD BE MORE DIgestible now. Eh, actually, if I think
correctly, I haven't written any article yet... just some
really stupid comments on ascii graphix in the last eL
aFGHANO... oh well youll see more in diz issua. sirmenkosumnim

CORRECTiONS by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
There were quite a few mistakes in eL aFGHANO #1! First, we
forgot to credit Abu Gaza for his pashtuna langua article.
Sorry Abu! Hope you'll write another article for aFGHANO one
day nevertheless! Second somehow my name doesn't appear near
the article "The Fate Of The World" although you shouldn't
have any doubt about that I, I, I have written it! (Fuck why
ain't there bold text in ascii....) Finally there were many
spelling errors... but who cares... and fifth, eh, I've
forgottan it. But who cares... The Taliban still liked our mag
and that's all that counts. sirmenjekosnibutimnasomnerutenkeme
Ah yes, what else I wanted to say is, our disclaimer sucked!
Of course everything here in eL aFGHANO is DEAD SERIOUS and if
you don't take it seriously or don't like it bcuz you think
it's too unserious for a serious e-mag you're stupid! (If you
like it then you're too but who cares...) lemniskensjesnospite

CHARTS!!! by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
You know, we want to be a respectable e-mag! Our aim is to
kick Hugi's and Imphobia's butt! So like any respectable e-mag
we need a charts corner! Please, please, please take part in
thijs! You just have to fill in the few lines in fillmein.txt
and send the file to me (unless you are VERY stupid, you know
how to reach me, don't you?). Please! Please! Please! Deadline
is the end of ramadam 2ooo. The first preresults of the charts
will be presented in eL aFGHANO #3. We count with your help!
We know you won't disappoint us! sumasnijoskousnepoteminemesne

SOME WORDS FROM AFGHANBASHi by Afghanbashi, the expelled
--------------------------------------------------------------
First of all I am very glad that I am still allowed to write
some words! Although every article of mine is limited to
-CENSORED- bytes and its contents is -CENSORED- too! Well I
hope you won't be too disappointed by this issue of eL aFGHANO
although I am not in the staff any more. But you know, the
Scripture says thou shalt not be too voracious if you want to
become -CENSORED- editor again... oh, my byte limit is almost

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR by Maestro Monteverdi, foreign minister
--------------------------------------------------------------
You may believe it or not, but we have received a LOT of
feedback on the first issue of our magazine. I therefore think
that you can really speak of a smash-shit in the e-mag
scene... oops, I meant "smash-hit" of course. Sorry, but even
if some of you may believe that "shit" would be the better
term for our mag indeed, this was really a mere typo, not
intention. I apologize to Mohammed NapolŠon and our one and
only. I hope that I will not be thrown out of the staff like
it was done to Afghanbashi. Ah, you are probably wondering
what I am doing in this staff at all, since my name is
completely unknown to those of you who only read issue 1 of
this magazine. Well, I call myself Maestro Monteverdi. I chose
this name because I love the romantic, classic and pre-classic
Italian music. My nick contains the names of two great Italian
composers: Verdi and Monteverdi. I seriously think that they
should be a role model for the composers in the computer music
scene. My job in the staff of this magazine is minister of
foreign affairs. That is, I have to deal with readers and
other magazines. I was chosen for this job because I am very
polite. Extraordinarily polite, compared to the rest of the
staff of this magazine. Anyway, I suppose I should begin with
the feedback we have received on issue 1 of our magazine so
far. The best thing, I guess, is to simply list the reactions,
so here we go:
"J'aime ce journal beaucoup." - Jaques Chirac, president of
france (Translation: "I like this mag very much.")
"I prefer to spend my time with El Afghano rather than with
Moni... er, government." - Bill Clinton, president of the usa
"I noticed that El Afghano is too hard for me to understand,
so I decided finally to study for my abitur." - Joschka
Fischer, german minister of foreign affairs
"I am looking forward to Arafat's next kisses. Meanwhile, I
read El Afghano." - Ehud Barak, israeli prime minister
"The governments in the EU are already acting like chickens
although the fox hasn't even entered their coop because he is
busy reading El Afghano. I REALLY like El Afghano!!!" -
anonymous worldfamous politician
"After reading your e-mag, I'd really like to visit you, hand
you machine guns and pose with you for a photo!" - Kim
Jong-il, the (dead) president's son and de-facto ruler of
north korea
"I suggest exchanging Planet Hollywood stocks for El Afghano!"
- Arnold Schwarzenegger, austro-american actor and politician
"Thank you very much for referring to me in your self
introduction, Sir Afghanbashi." - Turkmenbashi, president of
turkmenistan
"Thanks for notifying me about your new mag. I had already
heard of it from Makke, but it's always nice to receive an
e-mail straight from the horse's mouth, i.e. from the main
editor of a mag. Your first issue had some interesting
articles. Actually I didn't give you permission to publish my
e-mail, but it doesn't matter because it has no private
contents anyway. Nevertheless in future please ask the sender
before you publish an e-mail. It will spare you a lot of
trouble. All in all I am very pleased that a new mag has
joined our colourful diskmag sky. May it prosper and develop!"
- Adok/Hugi, selfcalled prophet of scene journalism
"wow, this is a chance to fresh up my afghan! lucky me! at
last!" - snotrag, linguist
"this is a shitmag! i fear it will be serious competition to
snl." - Venior/Beans, scenial main editor
"your mag is pathetic" - esa ruoho, great commentator
"shit with good articles." - psychic symphony, demojournal
main editor

FiRST ARTiCLE by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
Okej! Diz were the general chapters of every mag... what
nobody is interested to read neway. So, now lets go to the
articles... ta articles, thats what people wanna read. Okej,
diz is the first article. Hej, notice what? Wow, I speak in
the style of eL aFGHANO #1 again. Diz is what I call oltskool.
Okej. So... well, ya see, there's a difference. A difference
between me write editorial articlez and real articles... in
editorial articlez i am politically ocrrect and correct
spelling and so and don't even write only nonsense but in
articles i do write only nonsense... I dont know what the
cause of this is but... Hej I know what the cause is! Too few
holy afghane words! So: alamanapiskamasej olunimunahej,
numaskomiseludet aske baska lut, aska meni sumalet sus pesti
kero sin. Now this is what I, I, I call a good article. aleman

PASHTUNA CORNA neske Arturo Ui, co editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
Janamara putra. Sumaletiskanosne, ake peka samunim. Seske ko
num mane saske, num a punna enna tero. Aske mene menuhin, sum
a num lut kane sas a peneske nimuhinem. Restasne ak banuhin
sum meniate suski, apel na saru remelhem num tumka unna ey.
Karu ist nun somatim, sole mane simultinem norasti pedaskisne.
Manesne kendu somibedt num as suma num, ale mane soma litas
unaromti umsi ne sa karu. Putra somi jel sum nin a mene skane
putim raste suma lumni kas ne banu hinumeje sulatim. Raletu
simulnis, suma karesne situlnitate min gistem samulest.

SECOND ARTiCLE by the Afghane Secret Service
--------------------------------------------------------------
We now want to present you the latest world political news.
ASIA - Afghanistan is the first country in the world to
acknowledge Chechnia as an independent state. EUROPE - The
European Union is planning on making Portugal a Spanish
province because the Portuguese are incapable of ruling over
themselves. AFRICA - Lybia's revolutionary leader Colonel
Muammar al-Khadafi invited his friend Romano Prodi to dinner
in Cairo, which he plans to have integrated in his empire in
the meantime. SOUTH AMERICA - A triumvirate of a lawyer, a
military leader and a Red Indian ruled Ecuador for three
hours, then they made the former Vice President the new
President of Ecuador in order to re-establish a corruptocratic
system. NORTH AMERICA - The population of Nunavut, a
territority of only a bit more than a million of square
kilometers, is exploding. Scientists estimate that already
20000 men and 50000 polar bears are living there. AUSTRALIA -
Australians help East Timor rebuild its transportation
infrastructure by selling them kangooroos. PACIFIC OCEAN - All
apes in New Zealand have been made New Zealand citiziens. They
enjoy the same rights as human New Zealanders. The United
Nations are now planning on extending the Human Rights
Declaration to all monkey worldwide. ANTARCTICA - The
government of the United Penguins declared war on the rest of
the world. Italy and Spain have already been bombed with the
first iceblocks. The Chilean minority in the Antarctic started
a mass-emigration to their home country due to unpredictable
Penguin politicians. limnaskanuretisomniejskvotelnannesunnarum

UNOFFiCiAL THiRD ARTiCLE by Afghanbashi, stupid idiot
--------------------------------------------------------------
We live in a materialistic world. Actually we should say, the
world is materialistic. There is no world that isn't. In my
definition of world at least. So why say we live in a
materialistic world. So what does materialistic mean? Mater,
matris female is a word in -CENSORED- langua [censored bcuz
Sanskrit is ta only holy langua!] that means mother... oh, my
byte limit is reached soon, although I have just started my ar

OFFiCiAL THiRD ARTiCLE by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
I just wanted to say that, eh, the comment in [] brackets was
written by me, me, me. That's the notes from the editor. Yes,
exactly, now ya know. Okej, actually these were just sum
comments on ta matter above, so lets come to the anganuarasnej

ACTUAL THiRD ARTiCLE by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
We do not want to be an e-mag like all the other ones. With
fixed corners, fixed sections, things that appear in every
other e-mag. You know, I'm better in editorial articlez than
in real articles, but who carez, we are perfectionists, no we
ain't, but, well, what did I want ta say, well, we want to
make it difficult for oursevles, so we do exactly what we find
hard to do. So I won't review other e-mags, as I wanted to do,
bcuz I already did that in the last issue. I'll explain my
philosophy of e-mags. janmarisulanetiskomneltaskemaneletserune
E-mags are made for FUN. And for worship. Entertainment and
religion. That's the purposes of e-mags. Religion because we
have to satisfy our one and only in some way or another, and
if there is no another we have to do it in this way, by making
an e-mag. Okej. You got this? Great. Our great one and only
honorizes written stuph, especially innovative stuph, sumthin
nobody else has written yet, on topics nobody thinks about,
such as politics. Yeahyeah, you suckers don't care about your
own politicians although diz is one of ta most important
things in life bcuz they keep ta world going and provide a
base on which scientists and artists can work and consumers
can enjoy the products of economy. My aim is: make eL aFGHANO
the platform of EXTRA-PARLAMENTARY OPPOSITION all over the
world. We are open to ALL political directions be they
Democrats, Republicans, Liberals, Communists, Anarchists,
Nihilists, Greenhorns, Monarchists, Orthodox Jews,
Nationalists, Separatists, Apocalyptics, Despots,
Conservatives, Socialists, Patriots, Social Democrats,
Islamists, Christian Democrats, Human Right Activists,
Independents, Reformers and so on. Everything from extreme
left to extreme right is welcome! We are for true democracy,
just like Gaddaffi. I mean, we're also for it, they who adhere
to his theories are welcome to us too. We also want to be a
platform of INTRO-PARLAMENTARY OPPOSITION all over the world.
We want to support all political movements, illegal as well as
legal ones. Finally we also want to be a platform of
GOVERNMENTS. You can publish all the news about how you want
to oppress your citizens or do benefit to them here. It's
great, ain't it? eL aFGHANO, the first reall objective
worldwide medium, made in Afghanistan! Afghanistan will become
world power!! Soon!!! mansilumneskomtinelsumenuhimnaskatsomnej

iMPHOBiA SUX. WHY. by Arturo Ui, co editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
Now anotha kewl article on e-mags. Ta first political articles
in eL aFGHANO. We are too moderate I noticed so lets be a bit
more extreme. We now completely ignore political correctness!
We say that iMPHOBiA sux! iMPHOBiA, ya ask what diz is? Its
men's fear of losing their potence! And its also a big e-mag,
2nd place in da charts. Its very bad. Its ta first losa. Btw
you see my spelling was correctad by Mohammend so its a BIT
BETTER YOU SEE ah well i already did write about that. And ya
see iMPHOBiA HAS NO SPELLING! THEIR MAIN EDITORS DONOT know
english!!! Ah you ask why I flame iMPHOBiA altho its dead and
ya shall say only good things about dead things but in diz cas
we have to differentiate! iMPHOBiA is rewly bad! It contents
mUCH TO MANY ARTICULAS AND IS WAY TO SERIOUS REALLY BAD REWLY
BAD I DONT LIKE IT and so it sucks! Only good thing, its got
feeling, thats good. Ah Btw diz was ma first ARTICLE BOUT
E-MAGS! IT RULED DIDNT IT!!!!! usamabinladnuskemuneritaskoneme

LET US CALM DOWN ALL THiS TENSiON. by Monteverdi, maestro
--------------------------------------------------------------
I have changed the design of this article a bit to introduce
some variety into this magazine. I hope that this will relieve
your eyes a bit that would find it hard to follow the text
otherwise, as they always look on the left side of the screen
and never on the right side. "Always look on the bright side
of life!" Yeah. I am of the opinion that Arturo is way too
radical with his judgement of that magazine. After all, its
main editor and his team made a lot of effort in order to
support the community of its readers. They were also active in
politics. They fought against racism. And their magazine was a
good example of a way to connect people from different
countries, different skin-colours, different religions etc.
That is why I personally like that magazine. But I will not
say any more because otherwise Mohammed NapolŠon will be upset
with me, and eventually our one and only god will be upset
with me too because I permit others to believe in other gods,
too. However, as this is a democratic magazine, I hope that
Mohammed NapolŠon will not censore this article nevertheless.

TiTLES AND FUCKiNG by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
How do you see nowadays that someone is intelligent? In
Afghanistan you see it by that he is a member of the Taliban.
In Europe where there is socalled democracy it is a bit harder
bcuz there are many political parties and therefore there are
titles instead. You get the title "doctor" when you wrote a
thesis and it was said to be god by ta university. Now I have
a new idea, why not give titles for people who have already
fucked. I mean you need to be intelligent as a man to be able
to fuck someone, its very hard. So this could also be made a
class instiction or distinction or how it's called. mamreskana

TELEViSiON iS MY LiFE by Arturo Ui, co editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
RIGHT AND BECOZE I HAVE NONE I HAVE NO LIFE YOU SEE I Got no
existance bcuz I'm just a poor 'n pure Afghane. OK if I were
born in ta USA I'd have a TV but bcuz I wasn't I don't. Ya see
how unjust THE world is. I got only asciiart and eL aFGHANO.
This is all what I do. Computers are nice (Btw I don't have
one MYSELF BUT I ALWAYZ TYPE AT Mohammed's place) but TV is
better. AND CARS RULE MOST NEWAY afgaraskulnataramisotelneskej

HEY THIS RULES, ARTURO WROTE by Afghanbashi, the intelligent
--------------------------------------------------------------
an article in my byte limit... within my byte limit... yipphie
yeay! -CENSORED- lines, thats what is my limit too as you have
probably noticed in the meantime... By the way, Mohammed
NapolŠon deliberately -CENSORED- the contents of my articles
and inserts -CENSORED- -CENSORED- in them so that it looks as
if I had neither wit nor worth nor words and could not spell
either! [You can't anyway, stupid idiot!] I protest against th

SiXTH ARTiCLE by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
Six six six. 666. Symbol of Satan. That's what these
anti-blasphemy people say. I believe in our one and only
anyway and think there is no Satan or whatever, Jupiter, Shiva
or so. It is human nature to adhere to stupid theories and
demagogues and the socalled democrats like me, me, me, they
are actually also antidemocratic in the rewl sense of
democracy bcuz we suppress other peoples opinions such as
Afghanbashi's, but we know he's wrong and so it's okay. My
actual topic of the article, or the actual topic of my
article, is, well, the number six... Is this actually the
sixth article?? Let's count... UNOFFiCiAL THiRD ARTiCLE
OFFiCiAL THiRD ARTiCLE ACTUAL THiRD ARTiCLE... eh, so five
articles so far.. so ta sixth article was the one tat followed
them... this was.. iMPHOBiA SUX. WHY. by Arturo Ui! Stupid
man! The sixth article was reserved for me, me, me! Well okay,
so lets at least prove him wrong, prove his silly theories
about iMPHOBiA wrong - its bad but it aint sux! What sux is
Hugi! Bcuz its main editor claims ta be prophet and claims
Hugi is god! Ya know that diz all is very wrong! I don't like
it at all. I'm very upset and our one and only is too. menuhin

VERY SHORT ARTiCLE by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor
--------------------------------------------------------------

COMMENTS by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
This was a very bad article bcuz it contents NO holy Pashtuna
words so lets give them now. afgha basha numa tuma respu
timnes kanda harnelu neskomse arulenma namelu meriskane
asortesnej scenial nerumetes sumaletus naskameru ale manukenhe
kabul numa mazar lemnistom usna enna nomiretul gay namaristov
nerotim pashta aske num sape laska veritom geranehim asputerom
Now I see that there was one article between first and second!

ASCiiART CORNA by Arturo Ui, co editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
.aaaaaa. THIS IS MY OWN FACE; DO YOU LIKE IT?????
aaaaaaaaaa [Sorry, I didn't want to correct English
áa x aa x aá in this sentence... bcuz this face is so
oáaaaaaaaaaaáo silly. That ta description has to look
oáaaaa aaaaáo silly too.]
á.aaaaaaaa.á
á. .aaaa. .á
á aaaa á
aaaa And below, this is my body... it
`aaï doesn't suit to my face but I've
never said it would.............
_--------------_
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.sss. .sss. This is the box with all my
sssss sssss asciiart
$%.o.%$ $%.o.%$
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.'. .ï`. ,ï`. `ï
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'. .ï`. .ï `. ,ï| A cow, or a horse?
| `..ï `.ï `.ï | No, it's a tiger!
|. ú`. .ï `. .ïú .ï|
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CARS RULE THE WORLD by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
Cars pollute our environment, they make our children unhappy
and donot allow us ta breathe good air. But Honda and Opel
merged and reinstalled monarchy in the world. King Opel of
General Motors is now ta ruler of the world. THE WORLD. But
not Afghanistan. Afghanistan is in a world but not the world,
it's in ta third world, it's another world. We will rule ta
whole third whorld soon and soon after there tha otha eh ta
other... worlds. We are against cars because they like us. num

WHAT iF... by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
What would happen if: Afghanistan was a democratic country?
Then it would rule ta whole world. Baluchistan existed? Then
all Baluchs from Afghanistan would emigrate to Baluchistan and
we would have one problem less. Pakistan joined Bharat? Then
India would have 200 million problems more. Afghanistan didn't
allow Pakistan to join Bharat? Then it wouldn't happen.
Afghanistan made Pakistan a new province of Afghanistan? Then
Afghanistan would be even bigger. China declared war on
Afghanistan? Then China would lose. China lost a war against
Afghanistan? Then Afghanistan would reach WORLD DOMiNATiON. ja

TA TRUTH ABOUT MY NAME by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
Ya ask why I'm called how I'm called. Ta thing is, Napoleon
Bonaparte didn't die in Saint Helena! Even if you learnt that
at history class! No! He fleed to Afghanistan! There he died
but not without having created a child! With one of 5 women.
Whom he found in Corsistan. And thats my great great great
great grand father. So I'm called NapolŠon! numarestunimetasne

HE IS LYiNG! by Afghanbashi, knower of the truth
--------------------------------------------------------------
He is lying. he is lying. he is lying. he is lying. he is
lying. he is lying. he is lying. he is ling. he is ling. he is
ling. he is ling. he is ling. he is ling. he is ling. he is
ling. he is ling. he is ling. he s ling. he s ling. he s ling.
he s ling. he s ling. he s ling. he s ling. he s ling. he s
ling. he s ling. he s ling. he s ling. he s ling. he s ling.
he s ling. he s ling. I ask myself if he'll -CENSORED- this...

PRESiDENTiAL ELECTiONS by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
I am the son of the son of ... Napoleon and neverthless Chirac
and Jiang dont treat me as equals!!! I'm superior to them in
reality! So what I want is, become PRESIDENT of ta e-mag
scene! And bcuz I'm democratic I wanta become it in elections!
If you fill out ta voteshit you can vote for me. Vote for me!
Vote for me! Me, me, me! I want to win! If I lose our one and
only will be verryvery upset! So vote for me!!! taskamensejket
Ya see I'm a perfect democrat! I allow ya ta vote and I even
allow ta stupid Afghanbashi ta publish his shit altho he sux!

SOCCER, MY FAVOURiTE SPORT! by Arturo Ui, co editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
Soccer players ARE VERY INTELLIGENT PERSONS AND SO I LOVE
soccer and that's the reaosn why I write an article about it!
They think Madrid is Milano! They love fighting. THEY HAVE NO
EDUCATION BUT THEY ARE NOT ILLITARATE AS ME AND SO THEy are
better than me. I love the soccer team of Saudi Arabia! Its
best! Soon they'll win the EC. I'm sure they're better than
kraut eater, frog eater, burger eater and BSE eater teams. sum

iTALiAN MUSiC by Maestro Monteverdi, foreign minister
--------------------------------------------------------------
I noticed that the articles so far are all more or less very
short. I want to change this now, with an article about my
favourite music, Italian music. Italian music is European
music, and so its roots are the same as all European music. It
is rooted in the ancient Greek and the Jewish music. When the
Christian religion became legal, they adopted this music for
their religious services. This was 900 years before our time,
the Afghane time. The new music was called the Gregorian
chant. It was pretty repetitive and unison. It mainly
accompanied sermons, such as dies irae or kyrie. Anyway, this
was only the beginning of European and Italian music. It
developed with time. The next music style was the school of
notre dame in France, followed by ars antiqua, ars nova etc.
They introduced music for several voices, using the old
Gregorian chants as cantus firmus and composing new melodies
over them. These melodies were often even in different
languages, which made the texts quite hard to follow as you
can imagine. It led to polyphony, with its climax in the dutch
school. But now let us come to Italy. In Italy, there existed
several styles of music. You can separate them in two groups.
First there were pretty simple folk-dances, called villanella
or frottola. They had only a few voices, only one was sung,
the rest was played with instruments, and they were very
enjoyable to listen to and dance. Second, there were the
madrigals. They were very artistic, created by and for
aristocrats, and a capella, i.e. only sung, without the use of
any instrument. This is what I like most. The texts were also
very interesting and artistic, as they were written by some of
the very best poets living in that time. Rhythmically and
melodically, these songs were - and are, as manuscripts with
these songs still exist - very elaborate, but also hard to
sing. Therefore it was limited to aristocracy. This did not
change in later periods of music history. In the baroque age,
the time of the great Monteverdi, there existed folk music,
too, of course. But the real music, what we call baroque, was
created exclusively for aristocrats. They employed special
composers to make them. Usually pieces of music, such as
concerti grossi, were performed only once, then discarded. But
many manuscripts are still existing. So we know most of
Monteverdi's, Vivaldi's and their colleagues' thousands of
works, as well as the masterpieces of composers outside Italy
such as Bach and Handel. Nowadays many people confuse baroque
with classical music. Indeed baroque and classical sound
similar, but there are differences. For example, a typical
element of baroque music is the cembalo, which is always used
to accompany concerti. In classical music, by contrast,
concerti are usually accompanied by the piano. The development
of Italian music had its climax - in my opinion - in the
romantic period. There were many great Italian composers, like
Puccini and Verdi. They especially emphasized on expressing
emotions with music in their operas. Their music was highly
artistic, and still today its sound is unbeaten, to my mind at
least. Today, it is still the young Italian musicians who make
the most promising works. I especially recommend Ciccilleju,
he might become a new (Monte)Verdi one day!

THE ROLE OF A BASHi by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
You are asking what a bashi is. You are! I know this! Bcuz I
always use diz words and I never explained it! So let me
explain it now. A bashi is a leader. He is a leader of a
community of eaters of a special animal. For example Chirac is
the leader of the community of frog eaters and snail eaters.
Therefore Chirac is frog eater bashi and also snail eater
bashi. Shroder is ta leader of ta cummonity of kraut eaters.
Therefore he is kraut eater bashi. Ya see? Jiang is cat eater
bashi, Clinton is burger eater bashi, Kabila is human eater
bashi, Elizabeth is BSE eater bashi... okej, I see, ya have a
complaint, I am confusing heads of governments and heads of
states. Well ta solution is easy, both is okej, so, Elizabeth
can be BSE eater bashi and Blair too, there are many bashis of
one community. Shroder and Rau are both kraut eater bashis
too. There are also drinker bashis. Example, Chirac is vine
drinker bashi, Shroder is beer drinker bashi, Rau is
applejuice drinke bashi, Blair and Eli are whiskey drinker
bashis, Putin is vodka drinker bashi and soon... There are
smoker bashis also: Carl Gustaf is tabaque smoker bashi, Kok
is weed smoker bashi, Afghanbashi is opium smoker bashi. Now
ya know what a bashi is! You know! mensewalaskitomneratumareni

iNTERViEW WiTH HiDDENFX by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
We now present you an interview with a person that has never
ever been interviewed before! Its HiddenFX, ta main editor of
Demon journal! Ta interview was made by Pedro who speaks ta
same langua like HiddenFX, but I told Pedro what questions ta
ask so you can say it was made by me! So I get credits for it!
eL aFGHANO: Hello HiDDENFX, we want to interview you today. Ya
know, all interviews start with a very boring question. I mean
all interviews with e-mag makers. The very boring question is,
what's your name? where do ya live? how long is yar beard? are
ya happy with yar life? In other words, introduce yourself! (I
know this will be more than half of the complete interview but
who cares.)
HiDDENFX: hello, i am the alter ego of the demojournal editor.
i make demonjournal. demonjournal is a great magazine released
every week. it is of very high quality articles. all articles
deal with the demons that live in my alter egos head. he calls
this a therapy, because this will contribute to his pursuit of
happiness in his life which is his ultimate goal of course, to
become a normal sane man. i live in eurasia, a very big
continent consisting of europe and asia. afghanistan is also a
part of this continent so you know what it looks like. i have
no beard because i have not entered puberty yet. about my
life, i just want to quote what my alter ego says: "life sux
and then you die."
eL aFGHANO: We think life is good and you will not die if you
make a good e-mag like we do! Anyway! Next question! Actually
your answer to this one was very short and I am a bit upset
about that because, erm, it is harder to make a long interview
now, and if it was meant to be longer than the rest of this
interview the interview will be very short and so it will be
of little quality because quality is what our readers want and
quality, erm, quality means long articles! But maybe this
interview will become interesting all ta same, so lets try to
get on... Eh... I have no idea what ta ask... Boomboom... Ah
yes why do ya make demonournal?
HiDDENFX: i am of the opinion that it is very important for
the health of my spirit!
eL aFGHANO: A short answer... but when I consider it rightly
ya actually already answered it neway! But nevertheless I have
to find another question, otherwise this interview will be too
short and our readers won't like it! Ah what do I care about
readers, I am not interested in their comments... Ahh what do
YOU think about eL aFGHANO??
HiDDENFX: i have not read it to day, sorry, but i am sure it
sux.
eL aFGHANO: Why?
HiDDENFX: because your intellect seems to be similar to mine,
in other words, the quality of your magazine seems to be about
the same as mine. i know that the iq of the main editor is
always resembled in the mag.
eL aFGHANO: Thank you. Ya know, Arturo Ui is ta real main
editor of eL aFGHANO, according to ta credits in eL aFGHANO 1.
HiDDENFX: arturo? is he spanish?
eL aFGHANO: No, he's Afghane.
HiDDENFX: but arturo is a spanish name!
eL aFGHANO: And "el afghano" is also the Spanish word for "the
afghane". We are cosmopolitans, we like Spain. Ya know,
Portugal is gonna become a Spanish province soon.
HiDDENFX: really? then i better emigrate to afghanistan.
eL aFGHANO: Right, there you can pursue your happiness better.
We have many demons in our country, ya know. Ya could become a
soldier in one of our many armies who are fighting against
eachother and see the sense of life.
HiDDENFX: thank you for this sug, i'll move at once.
Later Hiddenfx told us a secret with the beg that we should
not publish it. We ignore this and publish it nevertheless.
HiDDENFX: don't tell anyone, but i'm an alien!!!

SPECIAL VERY iMPORTANT NEWS FROM NORTH KOREA! by the A.S.S.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Kim Jong-il visited the 68th socialist sewer brigade in order
to inform himself about their productivity. He was very
pleased to see their latest achievements, such as a 2qm gully
with 10 crocodiles. The crocodiles were a present from
crocodile dundee, bashi of the communist party of australia.
To reward them for their great contributions to the glorious
North Koreanian nation, he proudly presented each of them with
a machine gun and posed with them for a photo. lustemonaskumet

THE iMPORTANCE OF DEMONS by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
You ask why we have so many demons in Afghanistan. You should
bettrer ask what a demon is! A demon is short for
demonstration! And we have many of them in Afghanistan! We
demonstrate our power, our diligence, our honour, our pride,
our strength, our energy, our endurance, our perserverance,
our obediency, our intelligence, our knowledge, our
excellence, our authority, our superiority, our arrogance, our
discipline, our strategy, our belief, our ... eh, our great
achievements in the e-mags business! But we also have real
demons like you people from western countries know from their
fairy tales and sagas and legends and so on. They are called
Mohammed NapolŠon, Arturo Ui, Afghanbashi and Pedro S. Yeah.
We are demons. We are no humans. We are demons. Exactly. We
are the greatest form of life on this planet. We are Afghane.
diovyratenalprenniluosymsehcuoutniapymseveirgniardicaekilsnrub
By ta way: The line above's NOT pashtuna langua! But its holy.

AN ATTEMPT TO WRiTE A LONG by Afghanbashi, the hyper brain
--------------------------------------------------------------
story without having to care about this byte limit is this. It
is very simple, I'll start my story in this article and go on
in my next article (hope Mohammed will publish it and not
-CENSORED- it) [I don't like Afghanbashi talking about me
censoring nething because this would harm my image as a
perfect democratic man and so I censor it every time he uses
the word "to censor" or any form of it]. I am very optimistic

WiLL WORK OUT AND iN THiS WAY i WiLL BE ABLE TO by Afghanbashi
--------------------------------------------------------------
write a very long story. Actually I do not know what kind of
story I want to write... [But I do! haha] Ah okay, an old
fairytale of Nuristan. In Nuristan, there were the old Greeks.
They came by and settled when they were passing through
central Asia with Alexander the Great of Macedonia. They..
they were very tough and so they could endure the great heat
and the lack of natural resources in the Afghane mountains and

HiGHLANDS. AND THEY WERE VERY DiLiGENT AND by Afghanbashi
--------------------------------------------------------------
-CENSORED- and -CENSORED- and -CENSORED-. [I don't want him to
praise ta Greeks! Only the Pashtuna are worth to be praised!
Ta pashtuna are the lords of Afghanistan not ta stupid Greeks
and Nuristans!] But they did not develop that much, I mean
they developed but not more than the rest of Afghanistan. But
nevertheless Afghanistan is a rich stable democratic country,
and as you see we are able to make very good e-mags. END OF ST

HiGHLANDS. AND THEY WERE VERY DiLiGENT AND by Afghanbashi
--------------------------------------------------------------
-CENSORED- and -CENSORED- and -CENSORED-. [I don't want him to
praise ta Greeks! Only the Pashtuna are worth to be praised!
Ta pashtuna are the lords of Afghanistan not ta stupid Greeks
and Nuristans!] But they did not develop that much, I mean
they developed but not more than the rest of Afghanistan. But
nevertheless Afghanistan is a rich stable democratic country,
and as you see we are able to make very good e-mags. END OF ST

HiGHLANDS. AND THEY WERE VERY DiLiGENT AND by Afghanbashi
--------------------------------------------------------------
-CENSORED- and -CENSORED- and -CENSORED-. [I don't want him to
praise ta Greeks! Only the Pashtuna are worth to be praised!
Ta pashtuna are the lords of Afghanistan not ta stupid Greeks
and Nuristans!] But they did not develop that much, I mean
they developed but not more than the rest of Afghanistan. But
nevertheless Afghanistan is a rich stable democratic country,
and as you see we are able to make very good e-mags. END OF ST

COMMENTS TO THAT STORY by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
Ya see, I pasted ta end of ta story in several times. For one
reason, that ya see how much it sucks and that Afghanbashi is
making our one and only upset by praise the wrong ethnic
group. Har har. Ya see I'm very democratic and generous that I
published his articles and that I even published them in a
row! Imagine I published these articles in wrong order
scattered all over eL aFGHANO! Then you'd laugh at him even
more would you? You see, I'm right. azramskinesputimnosperatum

REViEW: THIS E-MAG 1 by Maestro Monteverdi, foreign minister
--------------------------------------------------------------
As readers of issue 1 of this magazine might know, my name did
not appear in it. Indeed I was not a member of the staff of
this magazine in that time. Therefore I feel that I am a
person who can give a rather neutral statement on that issue.
I will review issue 1 of this magazine and compare it with
this issue, so that we can see how much it has improved
meanwhile. First and most importantly, I found the design of
the first issue more than annoying. The holy pashtuna words
were not only written at the end of articles but everywhere in
the text. As a consequence, some texts were very hard to read.
Furthermore, the texts were centered. At least most of them,
as the layout was pretty inconsistent. By centering texts, a
lot of space was wasted, because if they were left bound, they
would occupy less - very logical, I think. I removed all
unnecessary spaces (ascii 32 characters) from issue 1 of this
magazine as an experiment. The result: From 58560 bytes the
file size could be shrinked to 52267 bytes. This is a
difference of about 6 kbyte, the size of a pretty long
article, an article that could contain very interesting
information, very recent news or very entertaining humour.
Unfortunately Mohammed NapolŠon did not agree to my idea of
removing all unnecessary spaces. He said that it would not
make much difference. I do not think so, because there are
certainly readers who have a 9600 bps modem, like us. For
them, it would make a lot of diffeent. In the end we found a
compromise: Although spaces are still inserted to create a
block layout, texts are no longer centered. A lot of the
superfluous spaces have been removed in this way. You may ask
why I actually criticize this matter, because I myself added
additional spaces in my article in which I defended a magazine
which Arturo Ui critcized very hard. Well, I did it only
because I wanted to mark my article by aligning it to the
right, because I thought that my article should also be an
optical contrast to Arturo Ui's statement. It was not a long
article, so I did not really waste a lot of space. However,
space is wasted by articles of rather trivial content, such as
the short articles on soccer and sex in this issue of this
magazine. In issue 1, on the other hand, there were even more
articles of trivial content. Only think of the stupid
declaration of Afghane world domination! Moreover, there were
many "link" texts, texts between articles which would not have
had to be published in my opinion. But maybe exactly that is a
special feature of the flair of this magazine: the editors who
quarrel with each other, comment on each other's articles and
do not really take anything seriously. I hope, however, that
nobody felt offended by issue 1 of this magazine, nor by the
very issue you are reading now. As I said, this magazine is
really not to be taken seriously at all. Maybe apart from the
voluntary and involuntary contributions of our readers, such
as the e-mail of Adok's which we published in issue 1. Talking
about which, I also want to apologize for that it was
published without his permission, although I am actually not
to apologize because I was not a member of the staff when this
happened. I, however, hope that something like this will never
be repeated in the hopefully glorious future of this magazine.

POLiTiCiAL PARTiES REViEWED by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
This is a new series in which I want to introduce to you
various political movements, of any couleur, from any part of
this planet, from any of the three worlds, no matter if they
agree to my opinion! The first party is... lets think a bit.
We should start left and move forward right, right? So, what's
the most left party? ... Communist? No. Anarchists. Right,
today I'm goin' ta talk about the Anarchist Party of Papua New
Guinea. What is their aim? Their aim is to destroy the system
in their country, and in the future in the whole third world,
and in the end in the whole planet, so all three worlds (also
called: the big world). They want no order, no law, no rules,
no ethical codes, no moral codes, simply freedom, absolute
freedom, without natural limits even, that men can do whatever
they want. I doubt that this will work out but who cares. They
have no bashi bcuz they think that bashis suck and there
should be no bashis in this world. By this they are
contradicting themselves a bit bcuz diz even is a rule and
they don't want no rule but whose cares. They are suppressed
by the police neway so they most likely won't become in power.
But as we are the platform for extra parlamentary opposition
internationally we have to report about them too. Well, I
think enough bytes were wasted on diz topic. munskanurmaranija

FATE OF THE WORLD, REViSED by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
I tried to write an article about ta fate of ta world, but my
dog jumped up and down on my keyboard and Afghanbashi the
stupid fool inserted spelling mistakes on top of that so it
did not work out. I mean, that was in eL aFGHANO #1. Now I try
to rewrite the article. Uuuh... What has to be rewritten? Lets
read the article. "blinki blinki twinki winki." Hey, diz is
okej! Nice introduction. "ah. sumalti nivosto. okej okej i am
s'posed ta writa in english. okej." Well at least our readers
have learned a bit more Pashtuna langua with this little
sentence! "so afghanbashi, pleaze translate." A mistake! He
translated everything wrong, as I see when I read this article
again now that I have learned ta speak and comprehend BSE and
burger eater langua!! "okej. so, i am going ta write about ta
fate of the world. ojek. well so wot am i going ta write? i
mean you know our one and only god dont ya? so you know the
fate of the world dont ya? ya ya see its in his hands. gretinx
to ale mane bashi shroder and usa bashi klinton btw. et ta
coaxcable ta writin style rulez. okej so wut was i up ta? ah
ja blinki twinki, ta fate of ta world. ta world, ta world will
exist, it will exit for ever, eh, exist for ever! but only if
everybady belief in our on and onli! eh! ja! thats wot i
wanted ta say! afgnanustan rulat! hogy vagy!" very bad very
bad opps now I write almost like Afghanbashi did. Well you
see, it was a bad article. And ale mane bashi = kraut bashi is
Shtoiber, not Shroder. Exactly. That's it. Ya know, ale mane
rooted in burger eater langua. And burger eater langua
actually rooted in Afghanistan. Everything developed out of
Sanskrit. Okej Sanskrit ain't an Afghane language but it
rooted from Afghanistan too. That's why we consider Sanskrit
as a holy langua. I guess now ya have learned very much on ta
history of Afghanistan. Ya have not learned ta fate of ta
world but who cares, this is less important neway. ranmuletime

SPELLiNG ERRORS by Arturo Ui, co editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
SPEELING ERROR ARE BAD, BAD, BAD, BUT STIL I MAKE EM. BECOZ I
DONOT SE WHAT THEY ARE, YES ITS LIKE THAT!

SiMPLE MiNDS by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
We are simple minds. We can only think of our Basic Instincts.
These are: eating. drinking. smoking. making e-mags. Yeah, diz
are our bsic instincts. Well, actually I was wrong. Arturo Ui
also thinks of soccer and dreams of affording a TV one day.
This day will be very soon if Afghanistan stays on prosper
like it does now! Our activity, the e-mag, which we sell for
cheap money (only 5 dollars) but ta many people and therefore
by which we learn much money, this will make Afghanistan a
rich country again. Then we can afford more, eh, actually we
do not need to afford it, bcuz we Afghanes produce it
ourselves. Ya ask what? Read ta introduction in eL aFGHANO 1!
(Yippieh I've found a way to motivate readers to read old
e-mags! Without even making the new issues worser than them!)

CODiNG CORNER by Afghanbashi, the only intelligent being
--------------------------------------------------------------
This mag misses something. It is a coding corner. Although I
don't have pity with the fate of this mag, eL aFGHANO anymore,
although it is my child, because I was the real mind behind
it, I made issue 1 almost all alone and I had the idea to make
the mag at all to improve our economical situation, I'll try
to make it a bit more modern with the coding corner. I would
do this if I did not have this byte limit that makes it imposs

A NASTY REMARK by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
Afghanbashi, you should become a editor of ta Wilby diskmag!
Then you have ta write short articlez and I see you are very
experienced with it awready! numladumasemiakneduramerakurateli

ONE WORLD, ONE MIND. by Maestro Monteverdi, hobby philosopher
--------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes I think that the world we are living in is just
controlled by one mind, that it is just a game played by one
mind. Indeed it was proven that the earth is not an isolated
system. It is part of the universe. Perhaps there is even an
upper layer to the universe. Perhaps we are only the organ of
a higher species. Or only parts of that organ. Who really
knows the truth? I am looking forward to further exploration
of everything that surrounds us human beings.

THE LAST ARTiCLE by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
This will be the last real article. Not exactly the last
article but the last real one! Or not even ta last real one.
Maybe diz ain't a real article either. But, if it was a real
article, then it was ta last one. What will follow will be
only comments and credits and such stupid stuph. And I think
that I as ta main editor have ta right to write ta last
article. Even if I don't write many articlezz, ta first and ta
last one is reserved for me. Okej. So I want to use this
chance to say goodbye to our readers until ta next issua. It
was properly said a vrainment pleasure to be with ya, ta be
with ya in ta spirit... ta be joined in ta one and only. Yes,
ya were joined in his spirit by read diz magazine... thank ya
for it and NOW VOTE FOR ME AS THE PRESIDENT OF THE E-MAG
SCENE!! (Okej, this uppercase stuff rather resembles Arturo's
bad style from which I want to keep distance but who cares.)
Neway... I find it really hard... to close... this issue... it
was a nice work, a nice part of my life... now, issue, go, be
released... be read by many people who love it and appreciate
it... go, little issue... I'll miss you... hope people will
always treat you nice... do no harm to you, my little honey
baby... undestand you and your aim correctly... know that ya
are a little child... very fragile and to be handled with
care... and with love... yes... this is what this little issue
needs... hopefully everybody will understand it... and nobody
will delete it from his hdd drive... otherwise the two years,
eh, weeks of my life working on this issue would be in vain..
and I would have no motivation to continue this e-mag, this
nice e-mag, my baby my own...... sniff.

ADDiTiON TO CHARTS by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
One note in the end, we don't want your help! We don't need
your help! If you contribute to eL aFGHANO in any way, unless
your Afghane, foreign blood will mud our mag and our one and
only will be very upset! So we don't want you to fill in the
voteshit, we don't need you anyway. We can make the charts
alone too. And never write an article or feedback. We will be
very angry with you if you do. relskilemnitomskarutelniskumine

PHILOSOPHY OF PEACE by Maestro Monteverdi, foreign minister
--------------------------------------------------------------
Unfortunately, the main editor of this magazine, Mohammed
NapolŠon, uses rather rude words in his articles, which could
be misunderstood. I hereby want to make clear that I am
opposed to any form of violence, be it of verbal or of
physical nature. Thank you for reading this, and have a good
time until the next issue of this magazine will be released.

CREDiTS by Mohammed NapolŠon, main editor
--------------------------------------------------------------
Main Editor..................................Mohammed NapolŠon
Co Editor............................................Arturo Ui
Minister of Foreign Affairs.................Maestro Monteverdi
Stupid Sucker......................................Afghanbashi
Fake Translator.......................................Pedro S.
We send greetings to rECTUM cAUDA, aCCESS dENiED and all other
people that share our spirit. unityjusticeandlibertyforourhome

- THE END -

By the way: Compare the size of this file and the size of eL
aFGHANO 1. What do you notice? Right, Mohammed NapolŠon did
not lie in his editorial. At least once he has spoken the
truth (or what may be the truth). Yours, Maestro Monteverdi

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