Smoke and Mirrors Issue 2 - Ruby Does D. C.
Ruby Does D. C.
by Del Freeman
A Story from John's Diner:
RUBY DOES D. C.
The small group of regulars were gathered at the large corner table in the rear sharing a plate of John's Melon Spice, a varied arrangement of fresh melon balls lightly sprinkled with a mixture of fresh nutmeg and powdered sugar, and sipping mugs of fresh 'house' coffee, brewed with just the right amount of cinnnamon, when the chime of the front door indicated a new arrival. They looked up, and quickly returned their eyes to the melon plate, recognizing the nemesis of the Chambers household at once. Starving writers and artists they might be, - stupid they weren't. John and Lucia fed them out of a concern for the advancement of the arts at no cost, and if Ruby Begonia was a thorn in the Chambers' side, well, that was reason enough to avoid her.
"Hi, gang," Ruby greeted them brightly, and they collectively murmured polite acknowledgments, concentrating intently on their melon balls. "Where are John and Lucia?" she asked of the group collectively.
Everybody responded at once, making it difficult to determine who said what, but she clearly heard "...French Foreign Legion..." and "Died. Very sad."
"Ah, you guys are a great bunch of kidders," she grinned. Just at that moment, Raoul emerged from the kitchen with a steaming plate of fresh pasta and homemade marinara sauce with baby clams which he deposited in the center of the large table, removing the empty melon ball plate. He deposited bowls and small bread plates in front of the regulars and returned to the kitchen, emerging once again with a basket of fresh-baked garlic rolls. The regulars looked at one another, shrugged, as if to say 'we tried', and fell to devouring the food. Raoul moved to a small table for two and continued to read the book he had been reading before the regulars appeared. Ruby sauntered over and joined him.
Raoul looked up from the book and crossed himself, murmuring "Es muy mala."
"What'cha readin', Rools?" asked Ruby.
"Es o si que es," answered Raoul, flinching at her bastardization of his name but flipping the cover over for her to see nonetheless.
"1,999 Ways to Prepare Fowl," said the title. Raoul had earmarked the page dealing with South American birds.
"Ferget it, Rools," advised Ruby. "The Chambers are never gonna' let you get your mitts on Zack or Cosmo. Besides, I got something even better," she promised.
"No theen ees batter than cook bird," pronounced Raoul. "I know." He glared imperiously at Ruby. "Een my country I am master kook," he reminded her, emphasizing the ooo' sound.. "I have master kook hat." He pointed at the jaunty chef's hat, with 75 flutes, set rakishly atop his dark curls.
"Yeah, well in America hats are pretty commonplace," Ruby answered, indicating her own chapeau, complete with ostrich plume and felt-heart dotted veil. "A hat's not enough, Rools. You got to have a gimmick."
"Geemeek? What is this geemeek?"
"It's a ploy. A come on. Something unique to make the customers stand up and take notice. And I got it," she grinned proudly. "Now, where's the boss?"
"Boss and Missus gone to awkshun. Buy meny nice theens... make restaurant sheek. Back late. Vary, vary late," he added, seeing the determined gleam in her eye.
"No prob, Rools. You an' me'll just do a little innovative experimenting while they're gone. Come with me," she ordered, plucking him from his chair and propelling him toward the kitchen. "You guys stay right there," she called to the regulars. "You can be our official tasters."
Assorted murmurs rose from the table in protest. She made out "scheduled root canal," and "open-heart surgery," and turned, placing hands on hips.
"Okay, you bunch of ingrates," she charged, "if you don't want to help your patrons turn this into just the hottest eatery in Washington, that's okay by me."
The regulars flinched under her gaze, dropped their heads and meekly nodded acquiescence. She disappeared into the kitchen, dragging a reluctant Raoul along with her.
***
"I'm stuffed," said Jeff Epstein, reaching for another french-fry. David Winer and Michael Heinich nodded in agreement, continuing to much happily. "Ruby, I think you've got a winner, here," said Howard Palmer. "What did you say these are called?"
"Hot mustard fries," Ruby answered, popping one into her own mouth. Raoul stood by, watching anxiously as the group polished off the last one.
Randall Hahn, who'd dropped in just as Ruby and Raoul presented the first plateful, smacked his lips and winked at Ruby. "They're sensational, all right. What's in 'em?"
"John's secret ingredient," Ruby winked back. "If it works for an old white-haired guy in a funny suit with chicken, it'll work for John," she declared confidently. John and Lucia entered just as Raoul brought forth the second platter-ful from the kitchen, Cosmo and Zack seated comfortably atop Lucia's shoulders. Cos promptly hopped off and inspected the platter.
"Fowl?" he inquired, eyeing the crispy-ochre wedges.
"No fowl," promised Ruby. "Eat it. It's good."
Cosmo tried one. "Good schtuff, good schtuff," he pronounced, snagging another.
Raoul crept into the kitchen, emerging with a baking pan which he held up against Cosmo's length. Cosmo eyed him darkly. "Pierce your nose, pierce your nose," he offered, snapping in the direction of Raoul's face.
"RAOUL!" John bellowed. "How many times do I have to tell you?"
"Slow-witted, slow-witted," explained Cosmo, helpfully. "Brain-dead, brain-dead," he shrieked.
"Ees beeg bird," explained Raoul, dark eyes pleading with John. "Make mucho good pollo en shallot weet babee carrots."
"I don't care what you do in your country, Raoul. In America, we do not eat our pets," John insisted. "Now just forget about it."
"Buzz off, buzz off," ordered Cosmo, capturing another fry. "Pierce your spleen, pierce your spleen," he offered again as Raoul moved quickly away.
"So, Ruby, what have you done now?" asked Lucia, approaching and peering into the quickly-emptying plate.
"Only come up with the ultimate weapon to make your diner a culinary success in Washington circles, that's all," bragged Ruby. "Here," she proffered one of the still-warm fries. "Taste this."
Lucia took it delicately, examining it closely.
"Eat it. It's good," advised Cosmo, diving back into the plate.
Lucia munched tentatively. "Hmmmm," she murmured. "John," she turned to her mate with a confused expression, "I think she may finally have done something right." He, too, tried one of the french-fries. "Wow, Ruby, this is really good," he said.
"Well, of course it is. When have I done anything that wasn't good?" she asked huffily as all eyes turned to look accusingly at her. "Okay, okay, maybe coating Lucia's sleep mask in avocado-puree wasn't such a good idea. How was I to know it would melt all over the couch like that? I still say nobody should sleep that close to an open fire, anyway. And didn't the eye doctor say that the green tint would wear off her eyebrows eventually?"
"That was six months ago," Lucia reminded, batting green-tipped eyelashes at Ruby.
"Well, this'll make up for it," Ruby promised. "In fact, it'll more than make up for it. It and the mmmpho," she dropped her voice.
"The what?" asked John and Lucia in unison.
"The peeahmo," Ruby lowered her voice even more. "Never mind. It'll clean, and I can retie that string thingie myself," she rushed on. "You'll make millions with these fries. Zillions. You can buy another one, if necessary."
"Did she say piano?" John and Lucia asked one another. "Oh GOD! Did she screw up my Steinway?" moaned Lucia.
"Screw up is far too harsh a term," judged Ruby. "Now about these fries..."
John patted a distraught Lucia on the shoulder and followed Ruby and Raoul into the kitchen.
***
"Yum," exclaimed Ruby Begonia, lifting another forkful of John's 'Loaf de tuna with persimmon sauce to her mouth.
Every available seat in the restaurant was taken and Lucia stood at the front door taking names for the waiting crowd. Raoul and his cousin, Jesus, worked frantically to prepare meals for the clamoring group, of which all but a handful had ordered Washington's new taste sensation - hot mustard fries.
"Ruby, I have to hand it to you... you've come up with a winner, this time," John allowed as he watched the patrons exclaim over the side dish. "How'd you think of it, anyway. And how do you make it? I can't always be waiting for you to come in and add a secret ingredient, you know. Raoul has to be able to whip these up himself."
"Well, Raoul knows everything but the base coat for the fries, and I mixed up enough to last 'till my next visit," Ruby said. "Let's face it, John - I'm not sure how hospitable you and Lucia might be next time I'm in town if I just tell all," she said, studying him.
"You've got a point. I don't think I've ever seen Lucia quite so upset about anything as she was about that piano," John agreed. "She spent three days just cleaning the caramel popcorn out of the keys and then when she found that broken string I thought she'd have to be sedated. You know the piano tuner literally cried? Of course, he's an old man and he's been doing this for years, but I don't think I've ever seen a man weep quite like that."
"Sure you have," Ruby reminded him. "Don'cha remember those friend of yours that went on the tour of Washington with us when they visited last summer? That guy... let's see, Dick... that's it, Dick Barkhammer. Don'cha remember? I had that whole case of those knock-off perfumes, the ones that came in those cute little containers shaped like hand grenades? What was that... Devastate, yeah, that was the name of the perfume. Anyway, remember I gave them some just to be friendly, and then when Dick wandered onto the White House lawn that secret service man grabbed him and frisked him and they took him away? He cried. Cried like a baby. How was I to know they were real hand grenades? I didn't open them up to smell the perfume. That wouldn't have been polite to give a guest a gift and then open it. You ever hear anymore from Barkhammer? I thought I read that they tried him for treason or some such."
"Burkhalter. The man's name was Burkhalter, and no I didn't hear anymore from him. I understand from a mutual friend that he's still on soft foods and lithium, though."
"Well, anyway, he DID cry, so I don't know why you say you never saw anybody cry like the piano tuner. Why, I've seen lots of men..."
John wandered off, shaking his head as Lucia approached the lunch counter, reservation list in hand. As she neared Ruby, Cosmo reached out to snatch the jalapeno pepper from behind Ruby's left ear, murmuring "It's good. Eat it."
"Absolutely everyone is here," said an excited Lucia. "I could almost forgive you for ruining my piano," she told Ruby. "Almost."
"You know, I don't understand you, Lucia," said Ruby. "Okay, so the caramel popcorn wasn't a great idea, but how about those little kitties and bunnies I decoupaged onto the cover? Ya got to admit it adds a nice homey touch and it took me hours to cut them out of all those children's books you had on the shelf. Jeez, you'd think a person would be grateful," Ruby huffed.
"That was a Steinway, you twit," Lucia said. "And those cute little bunnies and kitties you cut out came from an illustrated first edition, a personal gift from David Holloway! Next, I suppose you'll try to sprout carrot tops and potato vines in the Baccarat."
"Not if the Baccarat is that big glass bowl with etched purple zebras on the coffee table, I won't," promised Ruby. "It's too big for growing veggies, and besides, that's where I put my marble collection. They look real pretty through all those little handcut designs, except that one rock I had in there sort of chipped off a little piece of the edge."
At Lucia's horrified gasp, Ruby rushed on. "Now don't get your panties all in a wad, Lucy. I fixed it. I super-glued the little chunk back on and you can hardly tell it was ever broken. If I hadn't been eating that peanut butter Reese, you couldn't tell at all. I kind of think the chocolate streak adds more color, though."
"Do NOT call me Lucy," said Lucia, low and menacing. She studied Ruby intently. "I may kill you," she mused. "I may have to. I think the world will understand." She smiled a satisfied smile at the thought.
***
"Ruby alert! Ruby alert!" shrieked Cosmo, watching her enter during the following day's lunch time rush.
"Yo, Cos, I thought we were friends," Ruby admonished.
"Bribe me," said Cos. "You got cherry tomatoes?"
Ruby opened her purse to reveal an assortment of grapes and cherry tomatoes.
"Never mind!" shrieked Cosmo and fell to devouring the fruit.
"Behave yourself, Ruby. We've got important customers. Senator Doal is over in the corner," shushed John.
"Doal? DOAL? What are you doing serving Sweet William's albatross?"
"The poor guy's having a hard time, Ruby. Give him a break. Seems like he's the only one in Washington who is not employing illegal aliens. His constituents think he's gone uppity on them. He just wants to sit over there and munch a few ouzo Baby Ruths to get his perspective back," said John.
***
"Ye Gods, they've been over there for three hours, sucking up ouzo Baby Ruths like they were going out of style," complained John later in the afternoon to Michael Heinich.
"Well, looks like that's about to end," answered Michael, as an unsteady Senator Doal and a perfectly sober Ruby Begonia rose to leave.
"S'no problem," protested the Senator when John expressed concern. "My driver's right outside and the lovely Miss Begonia has agreed to take a turn around the fountain with me. Perhaps you could fix us up a box of those chocolates for sustenance on our journey?"
John checked his pockets, finding nothing. He remembered the last time Ruby tried to help the President. She'd spent a long afternoon consuming tequila bon-bons with Senator Joe Byeden. Byeden ended up being carried out unconscious and a sober Ruby Begonia left the restaurant alone. Later that evening, John discovered where she had been secreting the unconsumed chocolates only as a result of an amorous advance to his lady fair which left Lucia stuck to the wet bar in the rumpus room by a mass of dark goo smelling of tequila.
Ruby winked at the crowd as the twosome exited into the night.
*****
"Wow, have you seen this headline?" asked David Winer the next morning.
"SENATOR DISCOVERED DOING BACKSTROKE IN FOUNTAIN" Screamed the bold, black type, and underneath, the drop head: "Unidentified female companion remains unidentified."
"How's everything this morning?" called a cheery Ruby Begonia as she entered.
Lucia emerged from the kitchen at that moment with David's breakfast, Cosmo on her right shoulder. The scent of fresh basil wafting heavenward from the fresh, soft-scrambled eggs. As the twosome passed Ruby, Cos reached out and captured the apple slice hanging from Ruby's dangle earring, muttering, "Eat it. It's good."
"You have absolutely no scruples, whatsoever, do you?" charged John, glaring at Ruby.
"Sure, I have. I put the chocolates I didn't eat into the deep-fat fryer this time, didn't I?" responded an irate Ruby.
"Eeeeek," shrieked Lucia, running for the kitchen. She emerged with a plate of home fries with onions in some sort of dark sticky mass and slammed it down in front of John.
"This is your fault," she accused. "We are NOT wasting food. Now eat it."
John looked down at the mess. Looked up at Cosmo. "Hey, Cos," he coaxed, "Eat it. It's good."
Cosmo trained one bright eye on the mixture and shook his head. "Not none a' me," he declared and snatched the apple chunk from Ruby's other ear.
All watched as John tentatively tasted the unappetizing mass.
"Hmmmm. You know this isn't half bad," he pronounced. "What do you think about hot chocolate fries?"
-end-
Copyright (c) 1993 Del Freeman
