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Tacky Yellow No Name 4

Published in

· 16 Jan 2023

In the meantime (not the nice time), the Scouts had wandered over to Raye's temple, because they always went there. Chad and Raye's grandfather never heard any of the funny stuff that went on there, for some odd reason no one could figure out.

Darien sat miserably in a chair, the little pink sugar-girl hanging around his neck, playing with his hair. He looked as though he might cry.

The five girls stood around the chair in a half circle.

"Alright, Reeny, why are you here?!" Serena demanded, scowling as Reeny ran her pudgy fingers through Darien's hair.

"I'm going to marry Darien!" Reeny yelled. A small tear dribbled from Darien's left eye.

"You can't! He's your father!" Serena shrieked in desperation. Reeny slowly turned towards Serena and hissed, red eyes glinting.

"Meep!" Serena said as she backed off.

"I can if I want to! Oh, and I'm supposed to start training to be a Sailor Scout!" Reeny turned her attention back to playing with poor Darien's ears. He buried his face in his hands and sobbed. Raye laughed. Lita stomped on her foot.

"Prove it, you little slime!"

"Look, I have this!" Reeny held up a familiar locket, "All I have to do is say, 'MOON PRISM POWER!'"

"NOOOO!" shrieked the girls as one as they covered their eyes to avoid watching the horrible horrible transformation. Darien squeezed his eyes shut as Reeny grinned and started somersaulting around in glowing pink energy, doing the splits, and other gross stuff the Scouts didn't do when *they* transformed.

But Darien had seen too much; the sugar intake was more than his system could allow. He started to giggle uncontrollably.

"What is *wrong* with you!?" wailed Serena.

"Transformers...more than meets the eye! Transformers! Robots in disguise. Autobots wage their battles to destroy the evil forces of... the Decepticons!" Darien giggled even more.

"He has too much sugar in his body," Ami said with a sigh.

"Gee, I couldn't have figured that one out!" Raye rolled her eyes.

"Shut up! I'm the smart one, I always say it first!"

"I never get to say anything!"

"WELL, what do we *do* then?" Serena demanded.

Darien pranced around, laughing and skipping about. Even Reeny was sickened.

"That's it," said Raye, "I'm going to have to do IT."

"Do what?" the rest chorused.

Raye walked up to Darien and brought her hand back.

"Oh, no! Don't-" Serena started to wail.

SLAP! Raye's hand slammed into Darien's face, knocking him back a few steps. He frowned, then resumed giggling.

"What?!? That *always* works!" Raye whispered in amazement.

"Let me try! This is for dumping me! And that meatball head thing!" Serena walked over and gave Darien a resounding SLAP! He stumbled but kept on giggling. Chad and grandpa poked their heads into the room.

"What's that noise? Are you going to have a SLUMBER PARTY!?" Raye's grandfather's eye had an odd gleam in it.

"You don't look like my old boyfriend!" Lita whined. SLAP!

"I've got a lovel-ly bunch of coconuts, diddly-doo!"

"That looks like FUN!" Ami said. SLAP! Darien giggled on.

"You have better hair than me!" Chad yelled. SLAP!

"I'm old and horny!" Grandpa yelled. SLAP!

"Yes, that's a lovely muffler. Did you knit it yourself?"

"I still hate that Meatball head thing! I just pretend to like it!" Serena wailed in rage. SLAP! Darien stumbled and fell, unconscious.

"Hey, I never got to slap him!"

****

Tuxedo Mask walked up to the palace in his dream. He stared up and saw the shadowy outline of his princess standing in the window.

"Tuxedo Maaaaask..." she whispered. He got chills down his spine.

"Hi, Serena!" he yelled up.

"Tuxedo Maaaaask.... you must buy me ice creammmmmmm...."

"WHAT?!"

"I neeed ice creaaaaamm..... buy me ALL the ice cream you can affoooooord!"

"Ice cream?" He still couldn't believe it.

"Yessss...... goooooood ice creeeammmm.... like Haagen- Daas."

"Yeah, but, usually you make me try to find the rainbow crystals or I have to stay away from my true love to save her or I have to save the world or whatever.... but ice cream?!"

"Tuxedo Maaaaaask...."

"Stop that! It makes me get goose bumplies!"

"I like chocolate fudge swiiiiiiirrrrlllll....." she faded from view. Tuxedo Mask sighed, and kicked dejectedly at the ground.

"I hate this," he mumbled, and it was an understatement.

****

Malachite giggled as he peered around the corner. Serena and all her friends, including Reeny and a tired-looking Darien, were walking down the street, eating popsicles. Darien was carrying a tub of Haagen-Daas ice cream.

"Here they come!" he whispered gleefully.

"I don't understand why I have to do this," whined Zoisite. He stood, wearing a blue dress and carrying a purse, "Couldn't we just talk to them?"

"Shush! I only know how to work traps! We have to start the act, now!" Malachite started to laugh maniacally, twirling his cape dramatically. He started to poke Zoisite with a stick.

"Stop it! ACK!" shrieked Zoisite loudly.

****

Around the corner, Raye stopped in her tracks. Mina thudded into her back.

"Ow!" she said. But no one noticed. She cursed.

"Something bad is happening here. I can feel it!" Raye said in a stage whisper.

"Come off it, Raye, I can hear it! We all can!" said Lita.

"Hear what?" Serena said.

"Oh, let's duck into the Wax Lips Emporium and transform!"

****

"Hey, Malcolm! Hee hee, what are you doing here?" Eddie popped up from behind a dumpster.

"EDDIE?!" Malachite said in shock, "Look, get out of here! Didn't you learn your lesson before?"

"What? What do you mean? You've never done anything to me, hee hee, my psychiatrist said it's good to laugh, hee hee!" Eddie said, plastering a grin on his face.

"Shut up! I beat you silly!"

"Yeah, get lost!" Zoisite said.

"Hee hee, I'm okay and you're okay!" Eddie was losing his grip.

Malachite sighed and knocked Eddie into the dumpster with a force blast.

"Hold it right there!" Malachite and Zoisite turned away from Eddie at the sound of a young female voice. "Just what do you think you're doing?" Malachite immediately put on his "Oooh nothing..." look. Zoisite simply looked confused. He had thought it was pretty straightforward but then, many anime characters seemed to lack a firm grasp of the obvious.

"Uh, we think we're smacking Eddie around?" Malachite gave his partner a sharp look.

"Ix-nay on the acking-smay," he hissed, elbowing Zoisite.

"Ow! Oh, I mean, uh....we don't know what's going on. We just got here." He turned to Malachite. "How was that?"

"Erm...uh..just fine." He gave a Zoisite a weak smile before turning back to the Sailor Scouts.

"So, Sailor Moon....We meet again!" Malachite struck a dramatic pose and his cape billowed gracefully behind him.

"No! How can this be!" Sailor Mercury shouted

"Impossible!" called Sailor Jupiter.

"I *knew* there was evil about!" Mars growled.

"Psst, Darien...do you know these guys?" whispered the other one.

"Stop talking to my Mamo-ch....I mean, Darien!" screeched Chibi-Moon.

"Hey! He's MINE ya little spore!," yelled Sailor Moon.

Tuxedo Mask groaned and rolled his eyes before stepping forward.

"Of course I know these guys!" He said in his patented Commanding Hero voice. "They are none other than......uh, those two evil people.....erm, with the long hair......who..uh... want to do bad...stuff..."

"Exactly!" Sailor Moon giggled nervously. Malachite and Zoisite took a moment to rid themselves of the sweat drops which were obscuring their faces.

"Don't tell me you don't remember us," Malachite said, a hurt expression working it's way across his face.

"OK, it'll be a well kept secret between just the seven of us," Tuxedo Mask said hurriedly.

"How do you like that!" Zoisite said, getting in on the act. "And after all we've done to them."

"Well, you do look a bit familiar...." said Mercury.

"Of course!" shouted Jupiter. " That guy in the dress looks exactly like my old boyfriend!" Another sweat-drop filled pause.

"Maybe if you give us your names?"

"Yeah, we're not that good with faces."

Malachite stepped forward with Zoisite, flapping his cape for dramatic effect. "We are.....<dramatic pause>.....Malachite and Zoisite! Generals of the Negaverse!"

The scouts mumbled amongst themselves for a moment.

"You know....the Negaverse? Queen Beryl?"

More mumbling. Zoisite rolled his eyes, frustrated.

"Oh come on, Cape Boy! I tried to kill you three times for heaven's sake!" The Scouts scratched their heads and shrugged.

"You know," hissed Malachite, lowering his voice so Zoisite couldn't hear. "....remember 'Surfer Boy'....?"

"Oh, *that* Zoisite and Surfer Bo- I mean, Malachite." Sailor Jupiter said as the memory clicked.

"Yeah!" put in Sailor Moon, "I remember now. I think it was much funnier when we called him Pretty Boy though...."

"And remember when Mercury told him to 'go bleach his roots'?"

Mars laughed. "Oh, now *that* was a classic!" Venus added.

Malachite blushed furiously. "I have you know that this is my natural colour!" he shouted indignantly. Off to one side Zoisite snorted loudly, trying to contain his laughter. Malachite groaned inwardly. He was never going to hear the end of this. "ANYWAY," he shouted over the reminiscing, "the point is that we are here now and we've all come here for a reason...."

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot." Sailor Moon said, snapping back.

"Just 'cause you're supposed to be nice and dead doesn't mean you can beat up innocent people! I am Sailor Moon, champion of love and justice-" Malachite and Zoisite nodded their heads, and waved their arms to indicate Sailor Moon should speed it up, "and in the name of the Moon-"

"For the fiery red chunk of rock in space, Mars!"

"For the gassiest planet, Jupiter!"

Malachite buried his face in his hands.

"Will they *ever* shut up!?" Zoisite hissed.

"For the little dinky planet that's fast, Mercury!"

"For the planet that really doesn't have much special about it, wouldn't you know *I* would get it, V-"

"Uh, I'm cute! Chibi-Moon!"

"I didn't get to fini-"

"For HAAGEN-DAAS!" Tuxedo Mask held up the tub of ice cream.

"That's enough!" shouted Malachite.

"But I didn't get to-"

"Zoisite and I want to join the Sailor Scouts." Malachite tried to grin charmingly.

"WHAT?!" Everyone was shocked. Tuxedo Mask dropped the Haagen-Daas. Then, he swore.

"As if! You just pelted that guy!" Sailor Moon waved a hand towards the dumpster.

"He's really annoying, though!" Zoisite said quickly.

"Why?" Sailor Mars asked.

"He's too perky!" Malachite said.

"So? Some people are naturally perky, like, y'know, what's-her-face there." Sailor Jupiter snapped her fingers and chewed her lip.

"Not important," said Mercury.

"HEY!"

"He plays the KAZOO for fun!" Malachite said.

"OOoooh!" Sailor Moon gasped.

"That really *is* annoying!" Mars agreed.

"Now *I* want to beat him up, too!" Jupiter said.

"I think-"

"But we're full up of Scouts," Sailor Moon said.

"What do you mean?!"

"Chibi-Moon here is the last person to join our team. We really have waaaaay too many people already. I mean, there're six of us now, and then there's Tuxedo Mask... it gets confusing." Sailor Moon explained. Malachite and Zoisite glowered at Sailor Chibi-Moon, who stuck her tongue out and blew a raspberry at them, oh isn't that sooo cute. Zoisite's stomach churned. Meanwhile, Tuxedo Mask was on his knees by the ice cream, sobbing.

"That was over five dollars, just for that little tub!" he beat his fists on the ground in frustration, "I hate you, Malachite! Zoisite! YOU made me drop it!"

Lita frowned. "Hey, I just thought of something. Where are our popsicles now?"

"So? Don't ask questions like that, or we'll get into why we get nail polish and then cover it up with gloves, or why you get to keep your earrings but the rest of us don't," Mercury admonished.

"Well, uh, we'd better go now, nice, uh, seeing you again? Oh...and nice dress, Zoisite. It looks really good on you! But you might want to cut down on the frills next time." Sailor Moon wandered from the alleyway, the rest of her entourage following. Chibi stopped and thumbed her nose at them before scampering off. Malachite and Zoisite stared after, completely at a loss as to what they should do. The plaintive wail of a kazoo rose from the dumpster. Zoisite kicked it.

"Shut up, you!" The kazooing ceased.

"Now what?" Malachite turned to Zoisite, wrapping his cape forlornly about him for comfort.

"We kill that little runt!" Zoisite said.

"Who, Eddie?"

"No! Sailor Chibi-Moon."

"Are you sure we can't kill Eddie?"

"No. But if we kill Chibi-Moon, we'll still be heroes."

"How's that?"

"Crikey, did you see those eyes? RED! Eeeeeevil!" Zoisite and Malachite shuddered.

"And quit poking me with that stick!"

****

Across the city, another pair of red eyes glinted evilly. Saabbite twirled dramatically to face his two compatriots; they eyed him with rather bored expressions.

With a sigh, he threw himself down to slouch in the confines of the Laz-E-Boy. It wasn't worth the effort of posing if no one was going to pay attention to him.

If this had been a thousand years ago -

But no. He wouldn't let the painful memories get to him.

"Is it time for us to attack yet?" yawned Notoobrite. "I'm getting bored."

Saabbite shrugged. "Who knows? Apparently not - otherwise, why would the scene have flashed to us in this apartment, rather than up on a rooftop or something?"

"Should we be plotting?"

Again, he shrugged. "Nah. Let's just wait till Malachite shows up to work, and then whack'im."

"Sounds good!"

Litebrite's fingers flicked over his board. 'TV?'

"Hey," replied Notoobrite, "why not?"

Within moments, the three were absorbed in re-runs.

****

"You know," observed Zoisite as he and Malachite returned to their motel room, "those Scouts didn't seem at all surprised that we were alive."

Malachite shrugged, tossing his cape on the bed (he attempted to appear casual about this action; long practice had enabled him to hurl the thing so that it would land with the optimum number of graceful folds in the material). "It's not like bringing back Beryl's old generals isn't one of the most over-used cliches in fanfic writing."

The lights flickered ominously.

"It's almost as bad as making *new* generals. I mean, honestly, what sort of half-assed effort is going into this thing?"

Small sparks began to fly from the electrical wiring.

"Uh..Mal?"

The green-haired ex-general continued his tirade, oblivious to the spectacle above his head.

"I'm ashamed to be seen in this fic! It's so full of plot holes, you could drive a truck through it! Do you realize that you and I never knew the Scouts' real identities before we 'vanished'? If *I* had a keyboard, I'd -"

A bolt of electricity shot from the desk lamp and blew Malachite across the room, creating a smoking hole in the chest of his tattered uniform.

Malachite coughed. "I mean," he corrected himself, "that this is obviously one of the better-quality stories to be found. I'm very proud and happy to be a part of it." Patting anxiously at his hair, he noted that it had frizzed all to hell. He swore. "I'm going to take a shower."

He strode into the washroom, muttering under his breath. Soon, the sound of running water was audible from behind the closed door.

Zoisite, noting that they were not in a hentai fic, prudently left Malachite alone and, throwing himself on the bed, flicked on the TV. "Woohoo - Black Adder!"

There was a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" yelled Zoisite, annoyed. He hated being disturbed when he was engrossed in the genius of Rowan Atkinson.

"Uh...room service," came a fuzzy voice, hard to make out through the door.

"No, you're not! You're that pesky land shark!"

There was a pause.

"Um...what?"

Zoisite sighed. "Never mind. No one understands me." Heaving himself up from the bed, he went to stand by the door. "We didn't order any room service!"

There was another pause. "OK - you saw through my clever ploy. Open the door anyway!"

Zoisite shrugged. Figuring his life couldn't get much worse, he opened the door.

There was a dramatic pause.

Zoisite glanced right and left, confused. Other than a few cars in the parking lot, there was no one to be seen.

Shrugging, he was about to close the door when he noticed the small envelope that had been left as his feet.

He sighed. Yet another cliche. At least they hadn't thrown it through the window, wrapped around a rock.

Reaching down, he picked up the envelope and unfolded the small piece of paper inside it. In scrawling red letters, it read: 'WANNA BET?'

Zoisite frowned, confused.

Then, he heard the shattering of the window behind him.

He sighed, and went back inside to pick up the next package. Malachite was gonna be annoyed.

****

"Oh, Darien!" Serena held her boyfriend close, dreading the moment when she'd have to say goodnight. After that weird incident with Malachite and Zoisite, it had been *really* hard to get rid of Reeny and spend some time alone together. Finally, with Raye, Lita and Ami holding the little fungus down, Serena grabbed Darien and ran.

"Uh..Serena?"

"Yes, Muffin?" replied Serena innocently, standing on tiptoe so she'd be better able to kiss him.

Darien looked unhappy. "I dropped the Haagen-Daas. And it was chocolate fudge swirl, too!"

She shrugged. "I know. So?" Inwardly, Serena grieved for the loss of potential food.

"Don't you see! I've failed!"

Serena suddenly looked suspicious. "Don't you *dare* say what I think you're going to say."

"It's a sign!" Darien's eyes developed that feverish superstitious look they always got just before -

Serena stuck her fingers in her ears. "LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!"

"Iasdlmg," he said - or at least, that's what she *thought* he said.

Foolishly, she took her fingers out of her ears. Serena wasn't known for her attention span. "What did you say?" she asked innocently, eyes wide.

"I'm afraid we can't see each other anymore," repeated Darien grimly, taking a step back from her.

"Aw, nuts!" Serena kicked at the ground, remembering why she'd plugged her ears in the first place. "But Muffiiiin," she whined...