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FilkFile 12

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· 4 Mar 2023

The twelfth compilation of filksongs collected from the FILK Echo and provided for download via the auspices of Kay Shapero, moderator of same. Publication date, January 1992. All copyrights belong to the writers.

FILKfile appears at irregular intervals of a month or more, depending on how many songs appear on the echo (and how much time I have to compile this thing....)

"12-Bar Filkin' Blues"

by Jim Edmonds

I think Muddie Murcury did one way back in the early 90's:

I got twits in mah echo
I got bugs in ma beer
Say got twits in ma echo
I got bugs in ma beer
An' this thred makes ma heart weary
Sho' be buggin filkers round here.

I'm a lonesome lil' sysop
Hang in ma 'drasiltree
I'm a lonely lil' sysop
Hangin ma 'drasiltree
An' dees twitters keep on yakkin'
Lawd know's dey sho' be bodduh me.

Cause I'm eville, honey dahlin
Eville as the dragonne's bones
O I'm eville, metal pumpkin
Eville as the day is lawng
Don' be messin' roun' with me baybah
I'm eville as ma filkin' sawng.

(Or something like that.)

ATEN MAN

Words: Ioseph of Locksley
Tune: "Irish Soldier Laddie"

CHORUS: Will you stand in the van like a true Aten man
And hold the line for Kingdom and for Crown?
Will you fight and never yield on Estrella's battlefield?
For today's the day we're takin' Caid down!

As I stood in a crowd I saw a valiant laddie walkin'
With his armour and his sword down a quiet country lane
He smiled and he waved and he bespoke me truly
He beckoned and he called to me by name:

On a quiet village street stood a bowman strong and hearty
As he bade a fond farewell to his pretty peasant lass
And his eyes were flashin' bright as he bent his head and kissed her
And these words he said beneath the partin' glass:

Came a knight upon his steed, with his squires ridin' after
With his pennon and his lance and his shinin' silver mail
With his Lady's Favour hangin' from his belt of leather
And passin' close he smiled and bade me "Hail!"

In a sunny castle hall, with her minstrels and her maidens,
Stood a Lady, strong and proud, with a fire in her eyes
"If my King is off to war, what can I but fight beside him?"
She raised her sword, and shouted to the skies:

From city and from township, from Barony and Marches
Come the men of Aten's land with a fire in their eyes
Atenveldt and Loch Sallan, Mons Tinitrus and SunDragon,
And a hundred thousand others 'neath the sky!

The Bug Came Back

Words: Joel Polowin
Tune: Music: "The Cat Came Back"

The program wasn't complex, and it wasn't very long,
Though it seemed a bit erratic, its results were seldom wrong.
But that little error nagged us, so we stayed up late one night -
Found a missing comma, and we thought that fixed it right -

(Chorus:)
But the bug came back, the very next day
The bug came back, we thought it was a gonner
But the bug came back, it just wouldn't stay away.

We put away our documents, rewrote the code from scratch
To find out where the new and older versions didn't match.
A subtle shift of logic showed where we had gone astray;
We felt a bit embarrassed, but at least it ran okay -

(Chorus)

We wrote in other languages, from FORTH to APL
And ev'ry one ran ev'ry time - just sometimes not too well.
Translation to assembler didn't give us any clue;
The COBOL version crashed on ev'ry system it went through -

(Chorus)

We gave it to the hacker squad - the folks who code for fun -
And asked them if they couldn't get the stupid thing to run.
But less than one week later, they no longer wished to play -
Three paranoids... one suicide... and six who ran away...

(Chorus)

We got a summer student in to check the code by hand,
With paper, pen and calculator, run through each command,
But suddenly the lights went out -- the air went thin and queer
--
A sudden FLASH! of lightning -- and the student... disappeared..?

(Chorus)

(Last verse and associated alternate chorus are optional:)

We set up an experiment that Schrodinger inspired:
A box; a cat; some poison; a computer system wired
Such that IF the program failed, the little moggy would be
gassed.
A quasar was - almost - the only remnant of the blast...

But the cat came back the very next day
The bug came back, we thought they were a gonner
But they both came back, they just wouldn't stay away

---------------
Words copyright (C) 1991 by Joel Polowin. Permission is hereby granted to reproduce this material in any non-profit medium provided that its content is not altered and that this notice is appended. I would appreciate receiving a copy of any publication in which it appears: Joel Polowin / 205 Toronto St. / Kingston, Ontario / CANADA / K7L 4A9 polowin@silicon.chem.QueensU.CA, polowinj@qucdn.QueensU.CA

COLD WARRIOR'S LAMENT

words:Dr Pepper
Tune: My Bonnie

My commies lie fallen around me
I think it's a terrible shame
Cause now if the world should confound me
I have no more commies to blame

Chorus:

Bring back, bring back,
O bring back my commies to me, to me!
Bring back, bring back,
O bring back my commies to me!

The war factory bosses are crying
I think they have lost their aplomb
Sell more weapons? there's no use in trying
Without any commies to bomb

Chorus

The third world right wing despots tell me
Their death squads are fighting a threat
But how do they think they can sell me?
Their commie excuse is all wet

Chorus

Last night as i lay on my pillow
A brand new spy novel i read
About. japanese. stealing a patent...

The world as i knew it is dead!

Chorus

My ideological fervor
Has outlived its purpose i fear
I thought this would go on forever
Fidel, let me buy you a beer!

Chorus

words copyright Dr Pepper, 1991

CONFRANCISCO

Words: Dr Pepper
Tune: "Are you going to San Francisco"

If you're going to Confrancisco
Be sure to wear a tribble in your hair
If you're going to Confrancisco
You're gonna meet some freaky people there

For when you go to Confrancisco
Watch out for people floating in mid air
In the halls of Confrancisco
Fen in costume who don't care if you stare

All across the fandom
Plans get changed at random
Such a commotion (mmm) Such a commotion
It's a whole convocation
With it's own affectation
Such a commotion (mmm) Such a commotion

If you're going to Confrancisco
Be sure to wear a tribble in your hair
If you come to Confrancisco
All your time will be bizarre and rare

(other suitable words can be substituted for tribble. Like trif-
fid, sandworm, tardis, dragon, etc)

words copyright Dr Pepper, 1991

CTHULU LOVES

Words: Farrell McGovern
Tune: Jesus Loves the Little Children

Cthulu loves the little children
All the Children of the World
Red and Yellow, Black and White
They make Equal Sacrifice!
Cthulu loves the little children of the World...

words copyright Farrell McGovern 1991

DUELING HERALDS

Words: Ioseph of Locksley
Tune: "Dueling Banjos"

This takes the form of a duet between two Heralds.....

My Lords and Ladies, pray attend
(My Lords and Ladies, pray attend)
Hush your speech and pray forfend!

(Hush your speech and pray forfend!)
From interrupting Royal Court!
(From interrupting Royal Court!)
We'll truly try to keep this short!
(We'll truly try to keep this short!)
His Majesty
(His Majesty)
Wishes Me
(Wishes Me)
To announce announcements to you all
(To announce announcements to you all)
To attend His Presence in this Hall
(To attend His Presence in this Hall)

[together to "Yankee Doodle" theme:]
His Majesty commands you all
Draw nigh and pray attend....for....

[single herald sings:]

Please remember leave the site as clean as clean can be
[And do not] smoke within the Hall, for it's not period, you see
[And try to] speak forsoothly to the gentles partying tonight
[For we're the] SCA, and we're the ones who try to get it right!

My Lords and Ladies, pray attend
(My Lords and Ladies, pray attend)
We as Heralds condescend
(We as Heralds condescend)
To blazon forth the finest Arms
(To blazon forth the finest Arms)
That ever graced a Kingdom's charms
(That ever graced a Kingdom's charms)
Cheqy bendy plumetty
(Cheqy bendy plumetty)
Gyronny!
(Arondy!)
I believe, sir, you have got it wrong!
(But that's how Locksley wrote the song!)

[together to "Yankee Doodle" theme:]

His Majesty commands you all
Draw nigh and pray attend....for....

[the second Herald sings:]
Three spiders rampant passant statant on a field of green
Surrounded by a bordure compony is what we mean
Engorged with crowns of several kinds, and que-fourchee to boot
And charged with Fleurs-de-Lis in pink

[spoken: "In pink?"
"Well, it -could- have been flamingos!"]

And semee'd in bandicoots!

[both: "ARRGGGHHH!"]

My Lords and Ladies, pray attend
(My Lords and Ladies, pray attend)
And please do not misapprehend
(And please do not misapprehend)
For we in our pomposity
(For we in our pomposity)
Perpetuate atrocity

(Perpetuate atrocity)
By singing you this awful song
(By singing you this awful song)
We know that it is much too long!
(We know that it is much too long!)
His Majesty
Is kicking me!
So we'll shut up and take our leave
(So we'll shut up and take our leave)
So we'll shut up and take our leave
(So we'll shut up and take our leave)

(fade out and sneak off, if possible....)

DER FUEHRER'S FACE fragment

Words & Tune: Spike Jones

Vhen der Fuehrer says,
"Ve is der master race!"
Ve heil! <razz> Heil! <razz>
Right in der Fuehrer's face.
To not be Cherman
Is a big disgrace,
Zo ve heil! <razz> Heil! <razz>
Right in der Fuehrer's face!

presumably copyright Spike Jones in the early 40s.

FLAT EARTH filk start

Words: Sherman Dorn

If you watch Maury Povich or Inside Edition
and think up each day new conspiracy theories,
there's a group ready-made to feed your suspicion,
boost your blood pressure, and wake up your Furies.

We all really know that the Earth is quite flat.
Though Newton commanded, the globe went a-splat.
The Challenger blew
but some already knew
---
[author now looking for a good last line to this verse and a few more verses too. Anyone want to assist?]

FOUND IN AN EMPTY CHAIR IN A FILKSING, 1995

Go quietly amid the SCA members and remember what joy there is in keeping your head upon your shoulders. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons, For you may someday need crash space. Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others--even to the dull and ignorant--Unless, of course, they want to tell you about their D&D characters, deep underlying meanings in Dr. Who, or the endings of movies you haven't seen yet. Avoid loud and aggressive persons--in short, stay out of the filk suite. If you compare yourself to others you may become vain or bitter--in your case, probably bitter.

Keep interested in your own career, for no one else is. Exercise caution in the Dealer's Room, for you may find it cheaper on someone else's table--but probably not. And let this not keep you from forking over the cash, For you know you're going to buy the damn thing in the end.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth: rabbit-fur Barbarian costumes and spandex come first to mind. Nurture your credit cards to shield you in times of sudden bankruptcy. But do not distress your self with dark imaginings--it's probably just something you drank--for many cons are born of fatigue and light beer.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself, Unless you can find someone else to do it for you.

You are an attendee of the convention, you paid your fifteen bucks and have a right to be here. And whether or not it looks like it, the convention is unfolding as well as can be expected. Therefore, be at peace with God, and hope that the televangelists aren't right or we're all in deep doo-doo. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of the consuite, Keep your hands to your self. With all its lack of ice, screwed-up film schedules, and broken elevators, it's still the only game in town. Live long and prosper, open the bay doors, use the force, and DON'T PANIC.

This is printed by permission and may be reproduced (for hobby, fandom newsletters, or similar basically non-profit purposes) as long as the copyright notice is maintained. Randy and Lisa would appreciate copies of publications in which it is printed

c/o Curtis Berry
3104 West 39 Street
Tulsa, OK 74107

I AM A JOCK

Words: Rhys ap Baruch
Tune: "I Am a Rock", Simon & Garfunkel

An August day
In a Pennsic field battle
I am surrounded
Gazing at the shieldwall
Advancing on my right
And from the left there comes a hostile knight
I am a jock, I am a fighter

Castle walls
A fortress great and mighty
That we must penetrate
We have no need of sappers
They just get in the way
Hand me my sword and I'll carry the day
I am a jock, I am a fighter

Don't talk of dance
Embroidery or research
I want none of that
I only live for steel
Duct tape and rattan
The beer is cold and I'm a fighting man
I am a jock, I am a fighter

I have my spear
And a shieldman to protect me
I am sweating in my armour
Fighting in the field
We will never yield
I slay them all and no one touches me
I am a jock, I am a fighter
And a jock feels no pain
Even when he dies

(c) 1991, Ian Klinck
Permission is freely given to reproduce and/or publish this work
for non-profit purposes within the Society for Creative Anachro-
nism, Inc., provided proper credit is given.
Permission is also given to make minor changes to the lyrics, to
make the work more appropriate for the local group. (i.e. substi-
tute "Eastrealm" for "Midrealm" or vice-versa)

Rhys ap Baruch, of the Cantons of Eoforwic and Bryniau Tywynnog,
Barony of Septentria, Principality of Ealdormere, Kingdom of the
Middle

I'M AN AZI

Words: Dr Pepper
Tune: Feeling Groovy

Vat grown, and brought up fast
I'm not the first and not the last
Just-- soaking up all those hypno tapes
Life is a plan and i'm an Azi

At my work i'm-- never lazy
Miss my tape, and i go crazy
Kill me when i'm obsolete
I won't make a fuss cuz i'm an Azi

I've got no subconscious,
No phobias deep
I'm programmed and analyzed,
All in my sleep
Psychotherapy's just like a tune up for me
Of course i love you-- i'm an Azi

words copyright Dr Pepper 1991

Lives

Words: Lynn Gold
Tune: "Lies" by Stan Rogers

    G                                D 
At last the boss is gone now for the day 
    Em               C                  G             D 
The hackers do their projects when the management's away 
     G                                      D 
They leave some time to write some code and plan 
     Em               C                G                 D 
From five until five-thirty, when they swap files on the LAN 
     G                       D 
Sure was a bitter beta, but this release is fine, and 
Em                                 C 
Maybe last year's Easter egg will pop up one more time 
      G                     D 
It's now 5:29, oh how time flies 
     Am               D                    G 
The hackers all rush home 'cause they got lives 

(CHORUS) 
   Am  C 
Oh lives 
           G                         D 
They rush home, the hackers all got lives 
Am    C     D  C 
Lives, all lives 
     G 
Too much time staring into space 
      A                                   C 
That could be spent with S-Os, husbands, wives 
     D                 G 
The hackers, they got lives 

      G                                  D 
They used to hack long days at work and then 
       Em                C                   G             D 
They'd go home to their term'nals and start hacking once again 
    G                                       D 
No need to search to find them through the years 
     Em                          C                              G 
D 
They  haunted the control rooms where machine noise filled  their 
ears 
     G                                D 
But then they all found networks with other hackers there 
     Em                                C 
And found there was a world outside beyond their term'nal's glare 
      G                              D 
Well, after seeing this, it's no surprise 
     Am               D                G 
The hackers all went out and they got lives. 

(CHORUS) 
   Am  C 
Oh lives 
           G                         D 
They rush home, the hackers all got lives 
Am    C     D  C 
Lives, all lives 
     G 
Too much time staring into space 
      A                                   C 
That could be spent with S-Os, husbands, wives 
     D                 G 
The hackers, they got lives 

    G                                    D 
Now they rush off from work to be with friends 
     Em                C                 G               D 
They all have home computers which they pick up now and then 
      G                                       D 
They make sure that the code they just wrote ran, 
Em                    C               G               D 
Pour themselves some coffee, or some caffeine from a can 
     G                             D 
And think ahead to Friday, 'cause payday will be fine! 
     Em                                 C 
They look up at their ancient code and ponder, line by line 
        G                            D 
Then through direct deposit pay arrives 
     Am              D                    G 
And helps them to finance their newfound lives. 

(CHORUS) 
   Am  C 
Oh lives 
           G                         D 
They rush home, the hackers all got lives 
Am    C     D  C 
Lives, all lives 
     G 
Too much time staring into space 
      A                                   C 
That could be spent with S-Os, husbands, wives 
     D                 G 
The hackers, they got lives

MAMAS, DON'T LET YOUR BABIES GROW UP TO BE HACKERS

Words: Mike Van Pelt
Tune: Willie Nelson and/or Waylon Jennings, I think.

Hackers ain't easy to love and they're harder to stand
They'd rather play with a gizmo that's made out of sand.
Never wear neckties, just old faded levis,
And each night begins a new day.
You can't understand him, and you won't until
The F.B.I takes him away.

Mammas, don't let your babies grow up to be hackers.
Don't let 'em hack UNIX, if they try, revolt!
Don't let 'em eat Twinkies, don't let 'em drink Jolt.
Mammas, don't let your babies grow up to be hackers.
'Cause they'll always stay home in their room all alone,
Interfaced to their silicon love.

Hackers like frigid machine rooms and bleary eyed mornings
Little warm RAM chips and things that go 'beep' in the night.
Them that don't know him won't trust him
and them that do trust him to unleash a virus. (*)
He ain't bad or amoral, but his pride won't let him
turn back from an elegant hack.

Mammas, don't let your babies grow up if they're hackers.
Some day they'll hack NORAD and start World War III
The world is a gonner if you let them be.
Mammas, don't let your babies grow up to be hackers.
'Cause they'll always stay home in their room all alone,
Interfaced to their silicon love.

(* This really doesn't look like it scans, but it works the same way as the original.)

words copyright Mike Van Pelt, 1991

The Minstrel Boy

Words: Thomas More

The minstrel boy to the war has gone
In the ranks of death you will find him
His father's sword he has girded on
And his wild harp slung behind him.
Land of Song, said the warrior bard
tho all the world betray thee
One sword at least thy rights shall guard
One faithful harp shall praise thee!

The minstrel fell, but the foeman's chain
Could not bring that proud soul under
The harp he loved never spoke again
For he tore it's chords asunder
And he said no chain shall sully thee
Thou soul of love and bravery!
Thy songs were made for the pure and free
They shall never sound in slavery!

[this poem can be found in any good book of poetry! ]

The Moderator's Song

Words: Dr Pepper
Tune: Gilbert & Sullivan

Our moderator, patient soul
When she this place first took control
Said motivation was her role
She'd not be heavy handed

So in a gentle tone declared
That all opinions may be shared
Provided that no flames are aired
That's all that she demanded

And i expect that you'll agree
That she showed sensibility

And i am right and you are right
And all is right as it should be

Then someone brought up rights for gays
That brought a flood of yeas and nays
Two hundred posts in twenty days
Without a new perspective

And next abortion right or wrong
And gun control, the same old song
For novel discourse she did long
Not stale retrospective

And you'll think, i anticipate
Such longings were appropriate

And i am right and you are right
And all is right and really great

words copyright Dr Pepper, 1991

MR MARSHAL

Words: Rhys ap Baruch
Tune: "Mr. Sandman"

Mr. Marshal, please let me fight
I'm sure my armour must be alright
Sure, there's a gap from my knee to my hip
And that hole will admit a thrusting tip
But Mr. Marshal, It's one month 'til War
I've never been down to Pennsic before
Yes, a hero I will be!
Mr. Marshal, authorize me!

(repeat)

Mr. Marshal, please let me fight
I really wanna become a knight
I'll fight all day, and I won't go down
I'll swear fealty to the crown!
Mr. Marshal, you've gotta sign here
I'll bribe you with money, I'll bribe you with beer
You'll see how grateful I will be,
Mr. Marshal, authorize me!

Permission is freely given to reproduce and/or publish this work for non-profit purposes within the Society for Creative Anachronism, Inc., provided proper credit is given.
Permission is also given to make minor changes to the lyrics, to make the work more appropriate for the local group. (i.e. substitute "Eastrealm" for "Midrealm" or vice-versa)

Rhys ap Baruch, of the Cantons of Eoforwic and Bryniau Tywynnog, Barony of Septentria, Principality of Ealdormere, Kingdom of the Middle

"The New Generation Tango"

Words: Sherman Dorn
Tune: The Masochism Tango

Trek slakes my desire for pulp fiction.
Watching bad episodes is an addiction.
Some stories inspire
but most plots require
the disposal of all science and reason.

I love when the crew is encumbered
with problems too many to number.
Trek solves it all fine
at 6:59,
even doing it without Wes this season.

(bridge)
At Gene's command
before the set I stand,
brick ready in my hand.
It's sad that we must see
Riker's romance
and sappy song-and-dance,
Not a woman's vig'rous stance
And a well-placed upthrust knee.

So bore me to tears with emoting Troi,
and drive me to randomly remoting joy
with that cliched mix
of dialog schtick.
Relief comes only with Lwaxana's coy boy toys.

(bridge)
The Klingons thrill
me when a villain kills
someone just in time to fill
the space 'twixt writers' ears.
I love Worf's grunts
and elaborate plot hunts
and some pyrotechnic stunts
but no thoughts there, don't you fear.

Take the VHS cassette from its holder,
And ruin my taste until it molders.
Rot out my brain
and make me scream again
As we watch to the Next Generation Tango.

QUEEN TANGWYSTL

Words: Rhys ap Baruch
Tune: "Mrs. Robinson", Simon and Garfunkel

Dee dee dee-dee . . .
Doo doo-doo doo . . .
Dee dee-dee dee . . .

CHORUS:
Wassail to you, Queen Tangwystl
I live in constant fear of your crossbow (wo wo wo)
Don't shoot me please Queen Tangwystl
You're the queen who has to be obeyed (hey hey hey hey hey hey)

We'd like to do a little bit to get in your good books
If there's anything you'd like just help yourself
Look around you, all you see are very frightened eyes
We would never think of breaking any oath

CHORUS.

King David's in a hiding-place that no one knows about
Is it in the pantry or the dungeon?
It's a sheepish secret, just a Feringold affair
Most of all, you've got to hide it from the lambs

CHORUS (change first line to:)
Cu-cu ca-chu Queen Tangwystl . . .

Sitting on your throne on a sunny afternoon
Handing out a couple AoA's
Load your crossbow, shoot the herald, sing another song
When you're Queen, you can't be wrong

Where have you gone, Duke Cariadoc
The Midrealm turns its frightened eyes to you (woo woo woo)
What's that you say Queen Tangwystl?
Cariadoc is not the one who reigns (hey hey hey, we must obey)

A copy of this song was (informally) presented to Her Most Royal
and Draconian Majesty in the marketplace at Pennsic XX (after
much time spent trying to get an "official" appointment). HRM had
heard of the song beforehand, and, upon receipt of the printed
copy, handed it to one of her attendants and said, "Here, read
it. It's a good one." I take this to be Royal approval for the
circulation of this song.

Rhys ap Baruch, of the Cantons of Eoforwic and Bryniau Tywynnog, Barony of Septentria, Principality of Ealdormere, Kingdom of the Middle

THE ROSES OF OUR LADY

Words: Ioseph of Locksley
Tune: "Roses Of Prince Charlie"

CHORUS: Come now, gather now, here where the flowers grow!
Bright is the blossom as the eyes of your love!
Hear now a Kingdom's call! We'll make a solemn vow,
Now by the Roses of Our Lady!

Fight again with shining sword and bright-emblazoned shield!
Fight beside the heroes of Estrella's bloody field!
Fight again and hold the line and never, ever yield!
Fight beneath the Roses of Our Lady!

Spirits of the Dreamers in far and distant lands
Carved out the Known Worlde with sweat and blood and hands
Come now, in glory, and on the silver sand,
Fight by the Roses of Our Lady!

Take your strength from the summer Sun that boldly blazes forth
The deserts of the Southlands and the mountains of the North
Stand fast together, let's show them what we're worth!
Stand by the Roses of Our Lady!

CHORUS 2X

The Shaving Cream song

words: Joey McKangaroo

Melvin was a baseball player,
The fans soon took him to his favor,
For he was the hottest hitter on the teeeam...

But all that was on Melvin's mind,
was the hopes someday, someone would sign (him)
Up to do commercials for some,
Shaving Cream! HEY!

Chorus: (sped up)

Shaving cream, shaving cream,

That was Melvin's only dream,
While he wasn'tinterestedinthe hall of fame,
He actually hit it in the baseball game,
Just wanted to do commercials for some,
Shaving Cream! HEY!

(A little Russian Chorus here...)
Melvin's batting average started, average...
(That's English!)
Melvin's batting average started riiising...
The fans soon started recogniiizing (him,)
And one day he realized his dream...
(Back: He realized his dreeeeam....)
For a man from B-B-D and O (The advertising agency)
With a fountain pen, (... and a lotta dough)
Signed him up for commercials for some
Shaving Cream, HEY!

CHORUS.

Residuals and Salaries,
Made Melvin as rich as he could be!
But things weren't all that they might seeem...
(Back: As they might seeeeemm....)
For Melvin wasn't very.. bright (heh heh)
And he had to stay awake AAALLL NIGHT!
Oh, Doing those darn commercials for that,
Shaving Cream, HEY!!

CHORUS.

FOURTH VERSE: (I think it's the funniest)

But wait! Sadness Has Struck!
(Twiddle the strings on the guitar)

Melvin's batting average started dropping,
(Whistle downward) ...ah...
The tickets and fans started stopping...
And his value for commercials lost it's gleam...

Back: It lost it's gleam and Clescent Pepsodent tooooooooooooOOO-
OOOooOOOOooo,OOOOOooooOOOooooooooo, (I'll wait till you're finished)

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hurryupI'mrunningoutofaiiiiirrrr....

Front: Don't clap, it encourages him! (both start laughing)

Anyway, it lost its, you know what...

So with no future, and with no hope...
(Old man starts sobbing)
He lathered up, and he slit his throat (KGKKGKGLLL!!! (can be made
by squeezing air out of the side of your mouth))

Doing his last commercial for that
Shaving Cream! HEY!!

Repeat Chorus twice.

end abruptly....!

words copyright Joey McKangaroo, 1991

SHAVING CYBERPUNK verse

Words: Sherman Dorn
Tune: Shaving Cream

Cyberpunk,
listening to funk.
Write every day
and you'll look like a hunk.

words copyright Sherman Dorn 1991

"THE SOUND OF VIOLENCE"

Words: Rhys ap Baruch and Blaine Sylvan
Tune: "The Sound of Silence", Simon and Garfunkel

Hello broadsword my old friend
I've come to fight with you again
Because the sounds of battle ringing
In my ears has me singing
And the rock that I have instead of a brain
Still remains
I love the sound of violence
In tournaments I fight alone
I leave my melee gear at home
But when I go down to the Pennsic War
I often fight in groups of five or more
When my friend was stabbed by an Eastern spear in the head
He was dead
Touched by the sound of violence
A thousand footmen waging war
A hundred archers maybe more
Polemen thrusting from the second row
Shieldmen dying, they're the first to go
Two-stick fighters can harry the enemy flank
They've got rank
And love the sound of violence
Foolishly I pressed ahead
I'd be a hero or be dead
A belted fighter tried to teach me
With his polearm he might reach me
But my blows like violent hailstones fell
And struck well
Causing the sound of violence
Eastrealm fighters fell and died
Before th' advancing Midrealm tide
And we shouted out our battle cry
We would conquer or we would die
And the bards sing the deeds of the fighters that bravely fall
And they all
Whisper the sound of violence

Permission is freely given to reproduce and/or publish this work for non-profit purposes within the Society for Creative Anachronism, Inc., provided proper credit is given. Permission is also given to make minor changes to the lyrics, to make the work more appropriate for the local group. (i.e. substitute "Eastrealm" for "Midrealm" or vice-versa)

Rhys ap Baruch, of the Cantons of Eoforwic and Bryniau Tywynnog, Barony of Septentria, Principality of Ealdormere, Kingdom of the Middle

SUMMONING THE SEUSS

Contributed by Questor Coyote

On Sep 23 the much beloved Dr. Seuss passed away. He will be sorely missed, both by children and by us so called grown-ups. The weekend before at an equinox festival our circle performed this ritual as a joke. Now with much love and respect I submit it as a tribute to Dr. Seuss.

SUMMONING THE SEUSS
We want a place
for the magic to last.
So around we spin
and a circle we cast.

We will challenge you in
to join the fun.
There are candles in here
so please do not run.

Watchtower one
Watchtower two
Watchtower red
Watchtower blue

Summon the Goddess
and invoke the Lord
Just remember your lines
or They will get bored.

We would talk to the lady
so down we will draw.
Just hope She's not mad
or She'll lay down the law.

When casting a spell
the air sure gets hot.
We're not wearing our clothes
so care we do not

Do you like
green cakes and wine?
Oh yes we do
we like them fine

The knife we stick
into the cup
The wine is blessed
let's drink it up.

The circle is open
the quarters are gone.
The candles are out
and the lightbulbs back on.

Merry Meet, Dr. Suess. Merry Part, and Merry Meet again.

Tovarisch!

Words: Joe Bethancourt
Tune: "Let's call the whole thing off"

You say "Tovarisch", and I say "Gospodin"
You say "we bury you" and I say "glasnost"
Tovarisch...gospodin
we bury you....glasnost
Let's call the whole thing off......

<grin!>

words copyright Joe Bethancourt 1991

Uh oh, Uh oh...

words: Joey McKangaroo

Uh oh, Uh oh,
It's Off The Cliff We Go...

My brakes don't work
this is gonna hurt
Uh Oh, Uh oh uh oh uh oh, uh oh,
It's Off The Cliff We Go...

If I scratch the paint
My dad'll faint
Uh Oh, Uh oh uh oh uh oh, uh oh,
It's Off The Cliff We Go...

If th' fender's broke
he'll have a stroke
Uh Oh, Uh oh uh oh uh oh, uh oh,
It's Off The Cliff We Go...

If it becomes a fad
He'll get real mad
Uh oh, Uh oh...

words uncopyright (uc) Joey McKangaroo 1991

And an additional suggestion from Sherman Dorn

"Uh-oh, uh-oh,
It's off to war we go . . ."

Additional verses by Dave Aronson

Uh oh, uh oh,
It's off the cliff we go...
A flattened tire
Will raise his ire,
Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh....

Uh oh, uh oh,
It's off the cliff we go...
If I scratch the hood
He'll beat me good
Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh....

Uh oh, uh oh,
It's off the cliff we go...
If we hit bottom
He'll show me Sodom
Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh....

And MORE from Joey McKangaroo!

Uh oh, uh oh,
It's off the cliff we go...
If the muffler's out
He'll really shout
Uh oh, Uh oh uh oh

Uh oh, uh oh,
It's off the cliff we go...
If I hit a hill
He's gonna kill
Uh oh, Uh oh uh oh

Uh oh, uh oh,
It's off the cliff we go...
If the tire's flat
He'll get a bat
(or He'll join a frat)
Uh oh, uh oh...

And even MORE from Dave Aronson!

Uh oh, uh oh,
It's off the cliff we go,
If we get a dent
My head'll be bent,
Uh oh, Uh oh uh oh

Uh oh, uh oh,
It's off the cliff we go...
If we break a rod
Better pray to God
Uh oh, Uh oh uh oh

Uh oh, uh oh,
It's off the cliff we go...
If the wheel well
Gets muddy he'll yell
Uh oh, Uh oh uh oh

Uh oh, uh oh,
It's off the cliff we go...
If we break a door
He'll hurt me more
Uh oh, Uh oh uh oh

And even MORE from Joey McKangaroo!

Uh oh, Uh oh,
It's off the cliff we go...
If I break the Shell
I'll go to Hell,
Uh oh, uh oh uh oh

Uh oh... uh Oh...
It's off the cliff we go...
If I hit it hard,
He'll take my card,
Uh oh , uh oh, uh oh,
(stepping out of line for a second...)

(If I break the Shell refers to a camper shell.)
(He'll take my card refers to my driver's license.)

(back to the song.)

Uh oh, uh oh,
It's off the cliff we go...
If it's all a dream,
I'm going to scream!
Uh oh, uh oh...

VALDRIC THE VEGETARIAN VIKING

-Words by Rathflaed DeTunin
The Black Bard of Meridies

I've traveled many lands it's true and some I can't recall,
And I think that no matter how far I go, I'll never see them all.
I've traveled countries so far across like fine Merideas,
And some I've traveled were drops in a pond; I walked across in days.
And many I've met, and many I've seen, and a few were to my liking.
But one I'll remember to my dying day is Valdric the vegetarian viking.

You've heard of Fates, monsters and Gods, and the man who would not die.
You've heard of elves and dwarves and such, and the beholder's beautied eye.
You've heard of orcs and trolls I'm sure and nasties by the score.
I've covered most, I just don't think that I can name any more.
Well dragons and treasures and maidens are great, but now I just don't care.
For I have seen Valdric and all of these things to him just don't compare.

Eight foot four he stood to tower over men,
You'd look at his boots, get up to his knees, and look back down again.
He wore a helmet with horns, and a half moon axe, that made you think, "Beware!"
And his boots and his hat and his face and his arms were covered with three inch hair.
Then you'd get to his eyes, and notice his smile, and think,"He wouldn't hurt anything!"
And his four foot girth, yes that's him, Valdric the vegetarian viking.

We met at a court I've traveled to some, and thought that I'd stay at awhile,
I've relatives there, or so some might say, at the court of squire Logan of Guille.
He had just come in, and been offered some meat, and regretfully had to decline,
He said,"Though a rare treat, I will not eat meat, Have you some turnips and wine?"
All talking stopped, and everyone stared, and one of the ladies just swooned then.
Then all down the hall, the fighters stood up, turned and dropped trou and then mooned him.

But Valdric just stood there, through the snickers and jeers, and politely resaid his request.
Squire Logan roared,"Be quiet you all! I'll not have you laugh at a guest!"
Then the men were abashed though they still stood and stared, and they brought him some wine and some cheese.
While he sat next to me, I was startled to see on his axe was engraved a small tree.
I then asked him why, and he winked his right eye, said,"Why shouldn't I hate all plants?
My family died, with me still a child, at the hands of those murderous treants!"

We talked for a while, of him as a child, and quickly became fast friends.
And all the next week, we were seen round the keep, chatting and laughing again.
And every now and then you'd see us off on an errand or foray,
And once in the kitchen(or on our way out) saw the fair lady Gwinneth Anorae.
She looked very worried, we asked what was wrong, she said that the squire had been sent,
Off to the border, with most of his men, to fight off an army of treants.

"Treants!", cried Valdric as he loosened his axe, "I'll carve them and eat them like beets!"
And then off he raced, while swinging his axe, as fast as would move his two feets.
All the way to the battle, without stopping once, I heard that the viking did run.
And then when I got there, at close to days end, I found that he was almost done.
Sore bestead was the army, until he got there, they'd fight and then slowly retreat.
But then in rushed Valdric, and he swung his great axe, and he mowed down the treants like wheat.

Aye, his half-moon cut trunks, cut branches and berries, and he munched on the pieces the while.
But they marched in by scores, and hundreds and thousands, to fight with his weed whacking smile.
When he had finished, he looked round for more, and was startled to hear a great roar.
Crying,"Valdric the viking! A warrior true! May he live on forever more!"
Then he fell to the ground, and squire Logan looked round, and asked me what I thought did hap.
Then I laughed right out loud, and I said to the crowd,"I think he faints at the sight of sap."

And those who could hear, laughed with great cheer, and Valdric woke up and looked round.
Then louder they cheered, as Valdric they neared, and they carried him right into town.
That day he was piled with awards for his deeds, the squire made him part of the court.
Now I've traveled on, and long I've been gone, but I still know where I'll find my sort.
For when I am weary of the world and it's cares, of the hustle and bustle and fighting,
I can go see my friend, Who is there till the end, Valdric the vegetarian viking.

WE DIDN'T START THE SERIES

Words: probably Martin Pollard
Tune: "We Didn't Start the Fire" by Billy Joel

Jean-Luc, Geordi's specs,
Mysteries on the holodecks,
Asteroids, triple droids,
Telepathic Betazoids.

Transporter, deadly claw,
Visitor from L.A. Law,
Photons, no Kirk,
Captain has gone berzerk!

Shuttlecraft, Counselor Troi,
Doctor Crusher's little boy,
Klingon rites, parasites,
New heights, phaser fights!

Data's head, Tasha's dead,
Riker's hangin' by a thread,
Celebration, transformation,
Everyone to battle stations!

We didn't start the series,
It's the Next Generation on your favorite station,
We didn't start the series,
But when we are gone it will still be on and on and on...

We didn't start the series...

Alternative Chorus by Eugene Marksworth

We didn't start the series!
It's the next gen'ration
on your fav'rite station,
We didn't start the series!
We can't take the blame,

for the show's greatest fame!

We Wish

Words: Joey McKangaroo
Tune: "We Wish you a Merry Christmas"

We wish you would leave a message
We Wish you would leave a message
We Wish you would leave a message
So wait for the beep.

You got our machine
So wait for the tone,
Then leave your name and number
and Hang Up The Phone!

We wish you would leave a message
We wish you would leave a message
We Wish you would leave a message
So wait for the <BEEEEEEEEP!!>

YOU CAN SING...

Words: anonymous
Tune: Alice's Restaurant

You can sing anything you want to "Alice's Restaurant"
You can sing anything you want to "Alice's Restaurant"
From [ something ] to [ something - "Eric the Grim"?],
Pick any song and jump right in
You can sing anything you want to "Alice's Restaurant".

Another Young Folks, Old Folks verse...

As contributed by Andrew Rajcher

Moses was the leader of the Israelatic flock,
He used to get spa water just by tapping on a rock.
But then, from the multitude there came a mighty cheer,
For instead of getting water, he got Foster's Lager beer!

****CAMP SONGS (aka the Child(ish) Ballads)****

BRIDGE SONG

Words: traditional
Tune: theme from Bridge over the River Kwai (though probably
predating that movie by plenty...)
Contributed by Dave Aronson

Hitler
Has only got one ball;
Goering
Has two but very small;
Himmler
Is rather sim'lar,
And Mister Goebbels
Has no balls
At all!

Ducks and Snipes Forever

Words: traditional kids song
Tune: Stars and Stripes Forever
Contributed by Eugene Marksworth

"Be kind to our fine feathered friends...
For a duck may be somebody's muuuuuu-ther,
Don't kill all our fine feathered friends,
There aren't enough for us,

So when hunting season has come,
Just say 'no' to all the hunters and trap-pers,
for someday all the geese will ROAR!
and there'll be eggs, ham & eggs, for all and sun-dry, HEY!"

Variant reported by Kay Shapero

"Be kind to your web-footed friends...
For that duck could be somebody's muuuuu-ther,
Be kind to your friends in the swamp,
Where the weather is very, very dawmp,
You may think that this is the end,
You are right!"

GREAT GREEN GOBS

Words: Joey McKangaroo
Tune: The original was to The Old Grey Mare; this has mutated

Great Green Gobs of Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts,
Simulated Monkey Muck,
Fruit Flies and Feta Cheese,
Crushed Snail Shells to Please,
French worms on a Sourdough Roll,
I don't have a spoon!
(Better pick straws...)

See how you like THAT! (Bleeah...)

[if this is copyright I WILL be surprised. Oh, Joey...]

And an alternate version written by Eugene Marksworth

Great Green Gobs of Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts,
Seventy day-old monkey muck,
Dried up inchworms in a stew,
Snail shells enough for two,
Anchovies sitting in a pile of grease,
I forgot my spoon!
(Better use a straw...)

THE LITTLEST WORM

Words: traditional camp song
Tune: "Sipping Cider Through a Straw"
Contributed by Susan Grant

The littlest worm (repeat)
I ever saw (repeat)
Got stuck inside (repeat)
My soda straw (repeat)
(Repeat the whole verse)

OH SAY...

Words: traditional kid song
Tune: "Star Spangled Banner"
contributed by Eugene Marksworth

Oh say can you see,
any bedbugs on me?
If you do, take a few,
then I won't have quite so many.

Who is making these cars?
They're just falling apart!
Oh, my TIIII-re is flat,
I think I got it from K-Mart.

Somebody call the Cops!
I'm be'ing attacked by guys wi'mops!
And my bus driver knows,
Everywhere he's gotta stop!

Oh, why can't this stupid l'il
BALL-Game ever start?

'Cause I am getting bored!
And I'm afraid that I will faaaart!

Over There

Words: traditional kids song
Tune: Over there...
Contributed by Eugene Marksworth

"Over there,
Over there,
Take your chair,
and go sit,
over there..."

TRA LA LA

Words: traditional kids song
Tune: Tra La La Boom De-Ay...
contributed by Joey McKangaroo

Tra la la boom De-Ay...
We have no school today!
Our teacher passed away,
She died just yesterday!
We laid her in some hay,
And threw her in the bay!
And when we pulled her out,
She smelled like sauerkraut!
Tra la la boom de-ay,
We have no school today!

Addendum from Dave Aronson

The way I remember it was "She died of tooth decay". Especially
appropriate at that age, when grownups keep threatening kids with
it if we don't brush our teeth....