Episode Three: Attack of the Sailor Moon Dolls
SAILOR MOON AIRHEAD
It is late at night, and Tuxedo MASK has his hands around the neck of Sailor MOON, strangling her.
MOON: <gasping> Darien, why are you doing this?
Tuxedo Mask only reacts by squeezing harder until he suddenly wakes up from this nightmare. He is in his bed.
DARIEN: <now awake> Man! For a moment I thought this was 'Sailor Moon: Tragedy and Apology'. Whew!
Fanfic author MATT Playle appears at the bottom of the screen.
MATT: I'm gonna sue yer ass, boy! You'll be hearing from my lawyer.
There is a knock on the door. DARIEN, in a bathrobe, goes to answer.
DARIEN: Gawd, who could it be so early? <sarcastically> It's Ed McMahon and I've just won $10 Million!
He opens his door and to his absolute horror--It's SERENA.
SERENA: Um. Sorry to disturb you so early in the morning.
DARIEN: I thought I told you to play 'house' with someone else.
SERENA: Darien!
He turns away but SERENA grabs the strap keeping his bathrobe together. As it slowly opens up, DARIEN struggles to keep covered.
DARIEN: My God! NOOOOO!!!!
SERENA: What are you trying to hide from me?
SERENA continues to pull but DARIEN is desperate. Unfortunately, it's to no avail and he is exposed to the girl.
SERENA: <in shock> Darien?
DARIEN: <ashamed> Serena! Really, it's not what you think!
SERENA: <starting to cry> I don't believe it. I thought I knew you! Sob!
SERENA throws an envelope at him before she runs away. DARIEN helplessly looks on.
DARIEN: <thinking> I'm sorry, Serena. I know I shouldn't wear Hello Kitty pyjamas.
He rips open the envelope and reads letter. It says:
"Darien: I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! Love, Serena."
DARIEN: <thinking> Why? Why do I always have to think to myself...?
Music builds to a mighty crescendo.
DARIEN: ...and is what I think dramatic?
In the Negalopolis, QUEEN Selenite is displeased as she calls up another faithful servant, Sodai GOMI, a Siamese twin whose partner, legless and connected via the torso, is hanging limply and silent by his side, looking rather decayed.
QUEEN: What happened to you?
GOMI: <sadly> When my siamese twin died, a part of me died with him.
QUEEN: <rolls her eyes> Anyway, I have assigned you with the mission to invade the Posiverse.
GOMI: Where's Fred?
QUEEN: He's failed me too often. As punishment, he has to watch the Lion King.
Cut to scene of FRED strapped in a chair with a contraption of forks keeping his eyes pried open. He cannot stop watching the movie.
FRED: NOOO!!! By the ghost of Astro Boy, save me!
Cut back...
QUEEN: You must find a minion in their universe who will help us, as we can't enter the Posiverse ourselves because contact with matter would destroy us!
GOMI: But why are _we_ anti-matter and they 'normal' matter? I propose we consider ourselves matter and they the anti-matter.
QUEEN: Alright, then we must declare war!
GOMI: ...After all, their view of the universe is upside down.
QUEEN: ????
GOMI: Everyone knows that Australians are the only ones up the right way. Everyone else is upside down or side-ways.
QUEEN: <to herself> Upside down? I'm sure they're just backward.
GOMI: I have enlisted the aid of an evil toy company who will produce the ultimate soldiers of destruction.
QUEEN: Go on. Who is this evil company?
GOMI: IRWIN! We'll spearhead our first shipment to America--Those Americans will buy anything!
At ANDREW's place, we see SERENA walking into his apartment.
ANDREW: Wait! Don't come in. Damn
SERENA: Hey, I never noticed your rifle collection.
ANDREW: <darkly> I hunt... game.
SERENA: We live in *Tokyo*.
Sweating, ANDREW tries to smile.
ANDREW: <thinks> I may not be able to permit the furtherance of her existence.
SERENA: Cool stash you got here.
SERENA is checking out the collection of chains, whips, chloroform, cement mix, video tapes.
ANDREW: Say, Serena. Why don't you stay for some eggnog? I've got plenty in the ol' fridge.
SERENA: But it's March. Anyway, I gotta run--ciao!
ANDREW: <big smile and wave> Buh-bye!
SERENA:<turning her head back as she runs out> At least I can count on you being the only sane and normal person in this series.
Meanwhile in America the first waves of dolls reach the shores--I mean, stores. Customers at Toyzerous are checking out the latest shipment of dolls.
MAN1: Tartan Cancer? What kind of silly concept is this?
MAN2: Besides, the boots don't match.
MAN3: No Skuld dolls? What shit is this?
A couple of store clerks look on from a distance.
CLERK1: What are these men doing in the girl's dollies section?
CLERK2: Oh, these guys are here all the time.
Back in the Negaland. QUEEN Selenite is stuffing her face with doughnuts when GOMI re-appears.
GOMI: My Queen, I feel I must report--
QUEEN: Do--Not--Disturb--Me--When--I--Am--EATING!!!
GOMI: Forgive me. Shall I watch Robodreck?
QUEEN: There's no need. But it appears you have failed--not a good start of the day.
GOMI: <begging> I promise you that I will be indispensable.
QUEEN: <grins> The graveyard is filled with indispensable men.
Suddenly, a pretty girl with long white hair appears by the throne of the QUEEN. She is wearing a red tartan skirt.
MARINA: Selena!
QUEEN: What is it now, Marina?
MARINA: We're getting restless. War is too serious to be left to military men.
QUEEN: You tell Virginia that she can finalize the plans. Your time will come; you can afford not to be immortalized at least for a few days.
MARINA: <thinks> Who does she think she is--Madonna? Perhaps if I assassinate her things would be done quicker... Who would suspect the president of her fanclub? Hee hee.
GOMI: I suggest we send the dolls to Canada, the Scouts are popular there. We can utilize the Canucks' weakness for Moonie Madness.
MARINA: You mean the place with Newfies that attack Spanish fishing boats but let the Japanese ones quietly through?
QUEEN: We'll get in through the backdoor! Alright send in one of the three Sisters of Avon.
Suddenly, out of the void, a doorbell rings. Appearing through a hole in space, a LADY wearing a long, flowing hippie dress, her long, golden hair hovering from under her headdress, bows before the queen. There is a glow emmenating from the diamond-shaped marking on her forhead.
LADY: Sister of Avon calling.
SERENA runs into Melvin who is carrying a shopping bag and is walking bow-legged.
MELVIN: <in pain> Oh, I've been Molly coddled.
SERENA: Hi, Melvin. Whatcha got?
MELVIN: I bought a Nephlyte doll for Molly. See?
MELVIN holds out a rather horrid doll that looks vaguely like, but not quite, entirely unlike Nephlyte.
SERENA: EWW! It's a horrid little troll! Where'd you get this?
MELVIN: Toyzerous got them in today. They've got a whole range of Sailor Scout dolls.
SERENA: <flames up> What? They'll hear from my lawyer.
MELVIN: Your lawyer?
SERENA: Okay, my cat!
MELVIN: Your cat? Anyway, I would have bought a Sailor Mercury doll but they were already sold out before I got there.
SERENA: Any Sailor Moon dolls?
MELVIN: Oh yeah. Tons! They haven't moved at all.
SERENA collapses in self-pity. Nobody likes her.
SERENA: <sigh> Say, where's Molly?
MELVIN: She's home not feeling so well; she's been throwing up all morning.
SERENA: Maybe she's bulimic.
MELVIN: Are you kidding? You should see the amount of prune shakes, liver pies, and grilled peanut butter and banana sandwiches (coated with plenty of margarine) she eats with me.
SERENA: <thinks> Maybe that's what is making her throw up. <out loud> Hafta run. Bye!
SERENA turns to run off again.
MELVIN: We should get together with Molly and play a game of pin the tail on the P-chan.
SERENA: <turns her head back> Oh yeah, that sounds totally tubular.
MELVIN: Tubular? Tubular Bells? I know that one! Mike Oldfield! Theme from the Exorcist?
SERENA: <shouting back> I'm having enough exercise, dammit!
At the local Toyzerous, the beautiful LADY (now in a more conservative business suit) promotes the new line of dolls to prospective customers. One MAN1, wearing a t-shirt that proclaimed 'Streamline Pictures--Go Dub Yourself!', examines a Sailor Mars doll which is wearing a red tartan kilt. His friend, MAN2 is next to him wearing a 'Carl Macek is God!' shirt.
MAN1: Why do some of these Sailor dolls have tartans?
LADY: It's...um... <pauses> ...a special edition from Scotland. Could be a collector's item.
MAN2: Begorah!
MAN1 pokes him in the ribs.
MAN1: No, that's Irish.
MAN2: Oh, Blimey!
MAN1: <red in the face> No, that's--
LADY: Remember that the sailor suit school uniform is indigenous to Japan while here the tartan uniform of Catholic schools is quite common.
MAN2: It's every boy's fantasy!
MAN1: Hey! Not for me it isn't, you pervert. I'll be buying all the proper Sailor Scout dolls; thank you!
Outside Raye's temple, her two ravens keep spiritual guard.
PHOBOS: Nevermore!
DEIMOS: Evermore?
PHOBOS: Never evermore!
Inside, the gang minus SERENA (as usual) and the two cats are having another useless meeting. RAYE is playing a compact disc.
"She's a Moonchild/ Gathering the flowers in her garden Lovely Moonchild/ Drifting in the echoes of the hours."
LITA: What is this that you're playing?
RAYE: It's King Crimson.
LITA: King Crimson? That figures! I knew you were a Satanist.
RAYE: Whaddaya mean, Sailor Stupider? Serena has the black cat.
Serena finally arrives.
MINA: Speak of the devil...
AMY: Where have you been?
SERENA: I've been here and... I've been there and... I've been in-between.
LUNA: Cripes! I wish they'd stop the obscure King Crimson references. It's not so funny for the audience.
One reader has a quizzical look on her face.
"Sailing on the wind in a milk-white gown/ dropping circle stones on a sundial/ playing hide and seek with the ghosts of dawn/ waiting for the smile of a sunchild."
SERENA: What is this? I kinda like it.
Elsewhere, ZOICITE and MALACHITE are standing behind the curtain, waiting for the start of the show. MALACHITE is wearing a black suit while ZOICITE is wearing a black mini-dress. In this guise they are known as the Tokyo Negaverse-Generals Duo.
ZOICITE: Ha! Those silly humans won't realize that we are Generals from the Negaverse.
MALACHITE: Yes, my love. It is a clever plan, even if I didn't think of it first.
ZOICITE: <blushing> Is this dress too short?
MALACHITE: <laughs> You're never so bashful whenever you dress up as Sailor Moon for me.
ZOICITE: Anything that turns you on, Malachite. Do you think I am pretty?
MALACHITE: Dear, you are the prettiest man in all the universes.
ZOICITE: <glowing> Really? But didn't David Sylvian (of the band Japan) claim that he was?
ZOICITE stuffs a couple of white sport socks to pad out his bra.
MALACHITE: Prettiest in the *world*, but that's moot--I killed him already for you, my love.
ZOICITE: <purring> You're such a romantic charmer.
The curtain rises and they begin singing to a roaring crowd.
"Oh oh oh Life can be cruel, life in Tokyo."
Back at RAYE's temple.
MINA: Lita is fanatically tidy, after she showers she washes the soap.
LITA: Take off, eh?
AMY: At this point I think the audience is confused because somehow we're in Canada.
SERENA: Huh?
AMY: You thought this was Tokyo?
RAYE: Could be just Chinatown in any North American city, eh?
MINA: Oh that's why the funny letters! Beauty, eh?
SERENA: It's Greek to me.
RAYE: Who asked you, hosehead?
MINA: But what's the Tokyo Tower doing here?
AMY: Hmm. But it looks like the Eiffel Tower, though.
MINA: C'est vrai, mon Ami.
RAYE: <getting impatient> Just pretend it's the CN Tower, okay?
LITA: Oh, Canada! Land of the red-coated Moun--
AMY: Shut-up or the author will have to pay a royalty to Disney!
LITA: Sorry, forgot. <depressed> Guess I'll just watch Due South and wallow in my sadness. <thinks> Paul reminds me of my old boyfriend.
RAYE: Cripes! Disney on one side, Negaverse on the other--what could be worse?
LUNA: Fanfics like this one.
ARTEMIS: Don't I get any lines?
LUNA: Shut up! No one likes *you*.
MINA tries to hide a tear in her eye.
MINA: <thinks> But I do! If only you knew how I feel, Artemis...
Back at the Toyzerous store. Business is brisk as one GIRL wearing jeans and a Tragically Hip t-shirt is carefully considering one of the dolls.
LADY: <thinks> Ha ha! They're selling like mad. <out loud> HAAA HA HA HAA HAAAAAA!!!!!!
GIRL: <tear drop on her head> Um, Lady? Are you okay?
LADY: HA HA! Whoops! Sorry about that. <thinks> Don't you hate it when that happens? <out loud> Please buy one; they're the latest craze.
GIRL: I dunno. These dolls are cold and clammy to the touch.
LADY: It's a special new kind of plastic that with prolonged human contact becomes more warm and lifelike.
GIRL: And they're butt ugly!
LADY: In a second, you'll change your mind.
Suddenly the Sailor Moon doll in the GIRL's hands jumps up and grabs the horrified girl's neck. A glow envelopes the two.
LADY: Enjoying yourself?
The GIRL is nowhere to be seen but in her place stands a grotesque YOUMA from the Negaverse.
YOUMA: There's nobody else but me here to enjoy.
On the ground there lies a doll unlike the others--it's wearing jeans and a Tragically Hip t-shirt.
--------------COMMERCIAL BREAK:----------------
Sailor MOON and LUNA are going to door to door.
LUNA: This is your greatest mission yet. Are you up to the task?
MOON: No sweat, Luna. It's the cat's pyjamas.
LUNA: <thinks> Then it must be mission impossible: cat's don't wear pyjamas.
They knock on a door, and the home OWNER opens up.
OWNER: <thinks> It better not be one of those darned Kami-sama's Witnesses. <out loud> Um, hello?
MOON: Would like to support the Sailor Scouts...
Sailor MOON holds out some boxes.
MOON: ...and buy some of our cookies?
Voice-over Announcer: And for a limited time, if you buy two boxes, you will receive--FREE--a Sailor V poster signed by her cat, Artemis.
ARTEMIS: Meow!
---------------end commercial----------------
Back in the Negalopolis. QUEEN Selenite is listening to the RADIO newscast.
RADIO: People are being kidnapped all over the place; most of the victims are young males aged 20-30. The only clue are the odd dolls resembling the victims believed to have been left by the kidnappers.
QUEEN: Ha ha! It's working so well! We will conquer all of Canada* with our dolls.
* (except Quebec).
The Scouts arrive at the toy store.
MOON: Run that by me again?
MERCURY: You see, the people started disappearing when the first shipment of dolls arrived.
MOON: So how did you determine that this wasn't just a coincidence?
MERCURY: Easy! Most of our fan letters are sent by males who are aged between 20 and 30. And thus, I made the connection. QED.
MOON: <sniffs> I didn't get no fan letters!
MARS: Ha ha! Nobody likes a suck.
JUPITER: But they like Sailor Mars because she's a slut.
MARS: Am not!
JUPITER: Are too!
MARS: <looks away, arms crossed> Well, I'm sorry but virginity is over-rated.
Now inside the store, the Scouts meet the beautiful LADY and her Point-of Purchase display rack (hoping to snag some impulse buyers).
LADY: You'll like what I have in-store for you.
She gestures and various Youma dolls come to life and grow to full size.
LADY: I am BELLDANDY, goddess of presents. Merry Christmas!
Five youmas attack--each one yellow, blue, red, green and orange for better readability--but the Scouts stand firm.
MOON: You huckster, stop toying with innocent lives. In the name of Barbie, I will punish you!
The yellow youma, resisting the urge to gag, grabs Sailor MOON and wrestles her to the ground. The other four surround the remaining Scouts.
BELLDANDY: You should beware of my wares, or else you will be at the mercy of my merchandise.
VENUS: We won't have anything to do with your dirty dealings, you trader! <yells> VENUS LOVE ME HURT ME HURT ME BUT THE PANTS STAY ON CHAIN!
VENUS, from behind the blue youma, pulls her chain up its neck until its face turns blue. That's quick! Oh yeah, the youma's face is already blue. In moments the youma decompresses back into a doll.
MARS: Wow!
VENUS: What else am I to do with a blue monster?
MARS: Try and cheer him up?
MERCURY tries to help Sailor MOON but the Scout leader flails desperately under the Youma, succeeding only to smack MERCURY.
MERCURY: Calm down! You'll strangle yourself with those rabbit-ears of yours.
MOON: Y'know, at times like this, I wish I listened to what my mother told me.
MERCURY: <still trying to pry the yellow youma from MOON> What did she say?
MOON: I don't know--I never listened!
The red, green and orange youmas pounce on JUPITER.
JUPITER: By Jove! They're supposed to come at us one-by-one so we can defeat them--just like in the movies!
Sailor JUPITER calls down her lightning which blasts a hole clean through the heads of all three youmas.
MARS: Hey man, nice shot!
VENUS: Good shot, man.
MARS: I'm getting tired of this bizarre bazaar. MARS--MARSHMALLOW FLAME-- IGNITE!!!
BELLDANDY deflects the fire by calling upon a strong gale with a mystical spell:
BELLDANDY: CAVEAT EMPTOR!!!
Sailors MERCURY and MOON are still wrestling with the yellow youma. It has Sailor Moon in a half-nelson, then a full-nelson, and finally, in a Ricky Nelson, before MERCURY calls upon her power:
MERCURY: MERCURY--DICKY DEE ICE CREAM--FREEZER BURN!!!!
The yellow youma's plastic body hardens and cracks, splintering into many slivers.
MOON: <now free from the youma> These aren't goods--they're bads!
BELLDANDY: I'm sorry but the terms are non-negotiable. <blasts away MOON>
MAN in yellow shirt and black vest walks by scene, muttering to himself.
MAN: Cheese danish, quarter pounder with cheese, peanut butter and cheese sandwich...
MAN looks up and sees Sailor Scouts.
MAN: MM! Cheesecake! <walking away> ...Sailor Cheez, dick cheese...
MARS: Hey! Wake up!
MOON: Just let me stick to what I'm good at.
MARS: You want me to kick you?
MOON: Would you enjoy it?
MARS: Not really.
MOON: Nor me, so what's the point? Anyway, I had her worried there. She thought she'd killed me.
MARS: <to herself> If Serena were decapitated, would she notice?
BELLDANDY: Give up, Sailor Scabs. There are plenty more youmas where they came from. In fact, you'll find that supply far excedes demand, and so we will soon control the world!
MERCURY: Then wouldn't it be better if you took over the bodies of people in governments, military and other high places?
BELLDANDY: D'oh!
In anger, BELLDANDY throws Sailor MERCURY away as TUXEDO MASK arrives. MERCURY lands next to him.
MERCURY: Do you always have beautiful women falling at your feet?
MASK: Listen, everyone! She drives a hard bargain but you can barter her down. Blah blah blah. I know you can do it. Blah blah blah. Have faith in yo--
MOON: <now black and blue from being thrown around> Why do you always pass on good advice?
MASK: I have no use for it myself.
Sailor MERCURY wraps her arms around a shocked Tuxedo MASK and gives him a kiss.
MASK: What the--?
He looks at her; she is beaming at him.
MERCURY: Tee hee.
MASK: <I don't get it. Why do I always think 'I don't get it'?
MOON: Hey! That's my Darien!
MASK: Serena, I told you it's over; you're not my love bunny anymore. <thinks> besides, Amy here, although the same age as jailbait Serena, is much more mature so I won't feel so guilty when I bounce her on my lap.
MERCURY: I love you.
MASK: I know.
MERCURY: What are you--Han Solo?
MASK: <looks at her> Well, I've been Han Solo for so long, I welcome the change.
BELLDANDY: <annoyed> I'm still here. Yoo-hoo! Hello?
The only person to notice her is a young man named Keiichi Morisato.
KEIICHI: Wow! She's a a belle and a dandy!
BELLDANDY: Hmm?
KEIICHI: I want a beautiful girl like you to stay with me forever!
BELLDANDY: Okay.
The newly paired couple promptly take off, and the spell is broken as the youma become people again and victim dolls revert to Sailor dolls.
JUPITER: Hey! Is this a cop-out ending or what?
MASK: Well, my work is done; I must be off. <he takes off>
VENUS: But you didn't actually do anything (as usual). Men...!
MERCURY: <giggles> Oh, what a hunkster!
MOON: Not again! <sigh>
JUPITER: Uh, guys? We'd better leave.
MARS: But why?
The victims of the dolls become conscious and slowly move toward the Scouts.
JUPITER: Because they're mostly TwentySomething red-blooded males who are our biggest fans.
MARS: OH NO!!!!
Later at Serena's. SERENA is trying out a new dress she picked up at a store nearby the fight. The Scouts are downstairs licking their wounds.
LUNA: I think it was rather irresponsible of you to allow the Scouts to be swarmed by fanboys while you did some shopping.
SERENA: Oh, don't be so catty. It's not my fault those guys didn't go after *my* body. Speaking of which, I wonder how this dress is.
LUNA: It's translucent; people will see right through it.
SERENA: No they won't, dummy. I'll be inside it.
LUNA: Then they'll definitely see through you!
Both LUNA and SERENA jump in fright as they see QUEEN Selenite in the mirror where Serena's reflection is supposed to be. The QUEEN makes a wicked smile as her arms pop out of the mirror.
QUEEN: I want your body!
SERENA's scream is heard and the Scouts rush to her room.
LITA: Serena? Oh no!
There is nobody but Luna and a blow-up doll.
RAYE: Now she really *is* an airhead.
Sitting by the mirror is a Sailor Moon blow-up doll, a tear dribbles down from its eye.
END
SAILOR SEZ: While Serena is, uh, incapacitated. Sailor Amy is here to tell you that playing with dolls can be DANGEROUS! Barbie dolls will make you grow to be stupid and, even though guys will love for it, it's not a good idea! Read a good book, study hard and be smart--put those toys away, young ladies! Cut your hair short so everyone knows you mean business. Sailor Mercury says!
