This is our story

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This is our story

 · 15 Nov 2023

FOREWORD

This zine has been created by the members of the YoungMinds Writers Programme, 2022-23.

ABOUT THE YOUNGMINDS WRITERS PROGRAMME

The YoungMinds Writers Programme is a year-long programme set up by YoungMinds to help young people create change by writing about their experiences of mental health.

We came together virtually for the first time in September 2022 as a group of strangers from across the UK. Since then, over the course of our ten monthly sessions, we have built a supportive and immensely creative community of storytellers.

ABOUT THIS ZINE

We chose to title this zine ‘˜This is our story’, because although our stories are personal and unique, we are not alone. And, if you’re going through a hard time yourself as you read this, please know that you are not alone.

“Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of strength.” - Brené Brown

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” - Maya Angelou

youngminds.org.uk/writers-programme

CONTENTS PAGE

• Amrit: Chapter 21
• Charlie: My Transition Story
• Danny: A Somewhat Useful Guide Showing That Everything Will Be Okay
• Fabbiha: Early Intervention
• Jade: All Shades Of Black - Standing Out And Proud
• Jess: Schizophrenia - A Map Through My Mind
• Katie: Trauma and me - my journey towards acceptance
• Laura: My Story
• Theo: Navigating the mental health maze
• Help and support

“Your place on this Earth is unique, special, and irreplaceable, and you are so worthy of love and kindness, so please keep going… “Courage does not always roar. Sometimes it’s the little voice at the end of the day that whispers, ‘I’ll try again tomorrow’.”

Amrit

AMRIT: CHAPTER 21

I began writing to try and document my mental health journey, and realised how much it helped me to learn about myself. Not only did it give me the opportunity to articulate my feelings in a way I didn’t seem to be able to say out loud, but it also became a safe space to be honest about the ups and downs happening in my life. I also found that reading other people’s pieces of work centred around mental health, particularly poetry, helped me find comfort through the difficulties I was facing. My favourite poet is Erin Hanson, and I would recommend her work to anyone; particularly those with a longing to feel like someone understands them. I hope that, by sharing my experiences alongside others, I will be able to help educate people on the realities of mental illness and encourage conversations about the parts of mental health that are not yet widely spoken about. Outside of writing, I’m a Mechanical Engineering student from Coventry. I love plants and propagations (I’m particularly proud of my growing collection of monstera cuttings!) and take way too many pictures of the sky and of trees. I think it’s also important to add that I would definitely class myself as a cat person! In this zine, I have chosen to write about the chapter of my story that I’m currently “in”. It speaks of the overpowering themes that affect my daily life and where I’m at on my journey to overcoming them/learning to live with them. I really hope that you’re able to take something away from it.

NOTE TO THE READER

I hope that our stories help you to feel a sense of comfort that you’re not going through your troubles alone. Life can be so tough, but if you’re struggling it doesn’t mean that you’re failing. Please hold onto whatever hope you can and know that you’re probably doing much better than you think you are - the fact that you’ve made it through every bad day you’ve had so far speaks volumes about how strong you are, no matter how cliché it may be to say so. Struggling with poor mental health can be so debilitating and isolating, but I hope that you can see through this zine that people can get better and that it certainly is possible to learn to live with mental illness.

IDENTITY

If you ask anyone what their identity encompasses, each person will have a unique viewpoint and understanding of what it means to them. Identity sits at the centre of my story - and I think it’s because it’s the thing that I’ve struggled with the most. When living with multiple conditions, especially from a young age, it can feel like your identity has been skewed: lost in a whirlwind of symptoms, emotions, and results of what you’re going through at the time. Simply the thought of beginning to piece the disjointed parts of this identity back together to make you whole again seems like it will be impossible.

In the past few years, this almost forced me to put my mental health at the forefront of my identity - because I couldn’t concentrate on anything else. I’ve found that my brain copes better when I know that there’s a reason behind the things that are happening in my life, and I ended up compartmentalising myself into the various conditions that I’ve been diagnosed with. Honestly, it left me feeling like a fraud because I questioned whether my mental health was “allowed” to be such a vital part of my life. It felt like my body made the decision for me: my physical symptoms became worse until eventually I was unable to leave the front door of my house - I had no choice but to focus on what was going on in my head.

As someone nearing the end of my teens, I felt like I was missing out on my youth because I couldn’t do anything apart from try my best to survive the next hour of each day. Now 21, I’m definitely grateful for the amount that I’ve learned about myself over the past few years, but I’m still left with a grief for the time that I’ve missed out on. I’ve recognised that grief doesn’t have to exist on its own though. Reminding myself of the fact that I did the best I could with the knowledge that I had at the time has helped me to look back over my past and be proud of what I have achieved.

WHY DIAGNOSES HELP ME

My relationship with diagnoses over my life has certainly allowed me to feel every emotion under the sun! While I’ve learnt to realise how much they help me, I’ve also battled with a considerable amount of guilt and confusion as to why I so strongly feel the need for “labels”. Instead of just owning my choices, I found myself trying to justify my reasoning because I was scared of the judgement I might get from others (even if I wasn’t broadcasting what I’d been diagnosed with. This feeling got worse as I was diagnosed with more and more things. I was getting answers but felt a little bit like I’d been given a jumbled-up jigsaw with no reference picture to base the pieces on.

This feeling has changed because I now know how important it is to have some sort of idea of what you’re looking for before looking for a diagnosis. Being able to put a name to what’s been causing the symptoms that you’re experiencing can be really validating, and my diagnoses have helped me in looking to receive targeted support for particular issues. It’s really important to remember that getting a diagnosis is not going to magically solve your problems, though.

When it comes to education, it’s important to remember that - while being undiagnosed doesn’t make your experiences any less valid - to receive external support you often need a diagnosis to be used as evidence. As well as receiving special considerations for exams at schools, having these labels also meant that I was eligible for the Disabled Student Allowance at university. This has given me access to a support worker and specialist equipment (like a microphone and a laptop to be able to easily record my lectures) to help me in my studies.

Sometimes one of the hardest parts of the journey can be actually navigating how to take the first step in finding support and guidance. Learning to generally look after your mental health, particularly while you’re mentally well, can help you to prepare a toolkit of healthy coping mechanisms and strategies. These things won’t necessarily help you in a crisis, but they give you a starting point when things start to feel tough. Getting support from a professional is simply a tool for you to learn how to overcome your issue; or to figure out how you can best live with a condition that is otherwise taking over your life. As with anything you try, it’s important to remember that finding the things that work for you will take time and patience - and that not everything works for everyone.

BODY IMAGE

All young girls growing up seem to be subconsciously taught society’s version of a “perfect woman”, who is hairless, slim, and blemish-free. This can be - and is – so damaging for young people to see – especially because bodies change so much as you grow up. Of course, it’s easy to say that perfect is subjective, but when a message has been ingrained in your head from a young age, it can be difficult to “just change” the way you think. For this reason, body positive affirmations can feel really daunting: to go from being completely insecure and devoid of self-confidence to reading messages about loving yourself wholly and unashamedly is a big jump.

As someone who’s been conscious of the way that I look for as long as I can remember, I definitely really struggle to read affirmations because I never believe what I’m reading applies to me. I’ve found that beginning by working on body acceptance eases you into the idea of learning to be grateful for your body, especially if you don’t feel you can love it just yet. This means that instead of focusing on commenting on the physical appearance of your body, you could think about things that your body does that you’re thankful for. Once again, it’s really important to remember that it might take a while - and that’s okay. Changing your mindset is something that takes time, but it’ll be worth it in the long run.

One of my reasons for being so conscious of my body is because of the symptoms I experience as a result of having Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), which include the following:

• Irregular periods/no periods at all
• Hirsutism (excessive hair growth)
• Weight gain
• Thinning hair from the head
• Acne
• Low energy
• Raised levels of cortisol

All of these effects not only played a massive part in my life long before knowing why. They led to an immeasurable lack of self-esteem and number of insecurities about how the world perceived me. They also made me question whether my ethnicity was a reason for not being able to accept my body. I’ve still got a long way to go in learning to love the colour of my skin and the heritage that comes with it - but I now know that it was not to blame. My PCOS diagnosis gave me some reassurance in not feeling like such an anomaly with the issues that I was facing. It was a prompt to learn about the cause of why things were taking such a toll on my body.

OCD

OCD is a condition that can really overtake everything that you do on a day-to-day basis. It’s usually categorised into obsessions and compulsions, which can encompass many different “themes”, like contamination, harm, or religion. Some people have rituals or compulsions that [they feel] they have to carry out, and some have thoughts or obsessions and of course many have both. The intrusive thoughts that come with OCD tend to be “ego dystonic”, which means that they go against what a person truly feels or believes, and can be really distressing.

This particularly applies to intrusive thoughts. Just like many people with OCD, I tend to obsess over my intrusive thoughts because of how terrifying they are. I still haven’t been able to speak about the thoughts that I have, because my brain managed to convince me that I was the only one who has such shameful thoughts. I really understand how tough it can be to battle with that part of your brain. It takes a lot of time and kindness towards yourself to remind yourself that you are not your thoughts.

So far, the only form of treatment that I’ve tried for my OCD has been a Compassion Focused Theory group (through the NHS), where every week Exposure and Response Prevention therapy was used to help everyone set goals. Honestly, I didn’t think that group therapy would be for me, but I’ve definitely been pleasantly surprised by how useful I found it. Hearing other people talking about their experiences, especially when they were particularly similar to the themes that my OCD mainly involves, meant that I managed to pick up useful advice from others even when I didn’t feel ready to talk about all aspects of my own journey.

AGORAPHOBIA

Agoraphobia has been a part of my life for several years now; and it’s had a huge impact on the experiences I’ve been able to have. It’s usually compared with social anxiety; with the main difference being whether your fears are based on the people or the place you’re going. It’s meant that the majority of my last four years have been spent within my home and has led to me missing out on more and more “first experiences” as I’ve navigated sixth form and three years of university.

Missing out on things sucks. When you’re growing up, you’re often told that your youth is your time to “be a kid” - so to have a barrier put up in the way of that is really difficult to deal with. You feel like you’re missing out on making memories, and it can also be really difficult to maintain relationships, particularly as you start to get a little bit older.

Forcing yourself to focus solely on positivity when you’re stuck in a dark hole isn’t necessarily helpful because it can push down the true things that you’re feeling. Giving yourself space to feel negative emotions towards a negative situation is completely okay. At the same time, it’s really important to remember that there will always be new things for you to encounter. Sometimes things are not in your control, but everyone’s experiences are unique.

I’ve found that spontaneity has helped me with combatting some of my anxieties. It’s almost like it eliminates the “pre-worries” - and means that I’m still doing the evaluating while I’m doing the scary thing. Obviously this means that I’m still very much absorbed by those worries but it’s meant that I’m managing to do things that I never thought I’d be able to do again. I’m hoping that the more I continue to push myself, the less “scary” and more “normal” things will start to feel.

I’ve certainly been lucky in having a support network around me to accommodate me, even when I can’t leave the house. They made me feel worthwhile when I felt like I was failing and gave me hope when I had none. Many anxieties tend to make us feel like we can’t do the same things others can do, but the truth is that with the right people around us - we don’t have to miss out on everything.

A COUPLE OF SELF-HELP TIPS

BULLET JOURNAL

I started a bullet journal in 2021 and it’s been one of the most fun projects that I’ve done! I’m the first to admit that I’m not very good at being artsy normally, but I used inspiration from Pinterest and bought a book that had dotted pages - and I’ve managed to create something that I’m super proud of. I’ve only gone as far as using stickers and different colours - but there’s so much inspiration online for ones that use different materials too.

I’ve found that it’s given me more freedom than a diary and meant that there’s no rigidity or schedule in how often I have to complete it. You can express your feelings or emotions however you feel does it best at the time. For some months I’ve created themes and had habit and mood trackers; and others are simply a favourite quote and my top 10 songs.

I’ve also found that simply ticking a box for habits gave me a little more incentive to do certain things, like taking my medication, drinking a glass of water, or getting out of bed on bad days.

TO-DO LISTS

To-do lists have acted as a really useful tool for me in the past few months, especially when I feel particularly overwhelmed or stressed. I’ve found that on days where it feels like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, putting even the smallest of tasks on a list can help you to feel like you’re accomplishing something, and also helps you recognise that you’re doing the best you can. Even a task like tidying your desk can be further broken down into the various areas, drawers, or subjects to help things feel a little more manageable.

CHARLIE

“There is always a reason to keep living. Find any small reason to hold on - from the joy of petting your dog after a hard day, to listening to your favourite song for the 1000th time. No matter how silly it feels, having just one little motive to stay can help you get through even the darkest moments.” – Charlie

MY TRANSITION STORY

As a writer, I tend to focus on my experiences of mental illness and how these intersect with my identity as a transgender man. In the UK, there is a building moral panic; transgender people are being treated as threats. My hope is that through sharing my stories, people who may not know trans people in their daily lives will see that we are simply trying to live a happy life, just like everyone else.

NOTE TO THE READER

Before reading my story, I want to express how grateful I am to have reached a point in my transition where I am finally happy. It took a long time to get here, and if you’re in a similar position, I can only hope that it is not such an intensive journey for you. However, no matter how long it takes, know that holding on is worth it.

This section contains references to gender dysphoria, eating disorders, self-harm and suicidal feelings. While it does not go into detail on any of these things, please do not read on if you think the content may be upsetting for you.

COMING OUT

As a child, I was convinced I would grow up to look like the men in my life, with a flat chest, beard, and deep voice. My mam broke the news one day over a cup of hot chocolate that this wasn’t the case, and I was devastated. I tried everything I could imagine to stop my body from changing in the wrong ways- from sleeping on my chest to inhibit anything from growing there to googling home remedies to prevent periods. At the time, I had no idea what the problem was. I didn’t know why I was so afraid of my body changing.

When puberty started, I became deeply unhappy. My body felt uninhabitable. Looking at myself was so unbearable that I refused to leave the house without burying myself in layers of baggy clothes, even in summer. The distress reached such an extreme that the only way I felt able to cope was by physically hurting myself. All I wanted was to feel better, but I didn’t know why I was depressed in the first place.

When I found out what it meant to be transgender, it was as though the fog was finally clearing, and I could see the road ahead. Realising why I was so different to everyone around me was a huge relief. At the same time, it was frightening; I had no idea where to begin. I decided that my first step into manhood would be a haircut.

Just before my thirteenth birthday, I convinced my mam to take me to a unisex salon for my first short haircut. Making sure it wasn’t noticeable to anyone that I wanted a men’s haircut, I found a photo of an androgynous-appearing girl to show the hairdresser. The result was a very emo-looking pixie cut, but I loved it. For the first time, at least one part of my appearance reflected who I was.

Slowly, over the next few months, I made more changes that helped me feel more comfortable; I wore a binder to flatten my chest, changed my name, and attempted to deepen my voice by following YouTube tutorials. Coming out was the next, terrifying step.

Letting my friends know I was transitioning was no more of a big deal than telling them that I’d gotten my nose pierced. It took me much longer to build the courage to talk to my parents. I worried that if they were unsupportive, our relationship would fracture. When I eventually told them, my dad looked at me and laughed, “Yeah, I thought so. I was just waiting for you to tell me.”

Coming out at school was much more complicated. Unfortunately, as is usually the case in school, as soon as you share something with even one person, everyone else finds out. Before I was ready, I was outed, and hundreds of people knew I was trans. Most people were unbothered, curious, or understanding, but a loud minority were cruel. Transphobia became a part of my daily life; I often struggled to walk from one lesson to another without at least one person mockingly asking if I was a boy or a girl, yelling a slur at me or becoming physically aggressive.

School had never felt safe, but now it had become hostile- I was terrified to be there. My mental health suffered consequently. I was self-harming daily, having debilitating panic attacks and was suicidal. A GP referred me to CAMHS, but I usually left my sessions feeling worse than before as they struggled to understand how to deal with my gender dysphoria.

Eventually, CAMHS admitted that they weren’t sure how to approach my dysphoria and referred me to see a youth worker at a local LGBT charity. He helped me through some of the most challenging parts of my early transition, including referring me to the children’s gender identity clinic.

“My body felt uninhabitable. Looking at myself was so unbearable that I refused to leave the house without burying myself in layers of baggy clothes.”

THE WAIT

At the time of my referral, the wait list was 18 months. For a 14-year-old, a year and a half felt like an eternity. Waiting made me feel completely out of control of my body and mind. It was as though I could do nothing to help myself feel better until the gender clinic arrived to valiantly rescue me from the evil beast that was my dysphoria. Voices began worming their way into my brain, telling me that restricting food, and hurting myself more would make me feel better.

Months went by painfully slowly with no word from the gender clinic. School became significantly worse, reaching a point where I avoided attending lessons because of how severe my anxiety had become. There was only one thing that motivated me to keep going and finish my GCSEs – moving to college.

College was going to be the fresh start I desperately needed. No one I knew was moving with me, and I was expecting to hear from the clinic over the summer. I would have a clean slate, away from anyone who knew I was trans.

Unfortunately, when September arrived, my issues with my body became more severe than they had ever been before. Restricting my food morphed into anorexia, and self-harm became an addictive compulsion I engaged in multiple times a day. CAMHS increased my medication and arranged intensive home therapy three times a week, but I continued to deteriorate. Nothing helped because at the root of my unhappiness was dysphoria. Any input from CAMHS felt like they were trying to stop a sinking ship with a roll of Sellotape.

Only one person knew what to say. With brutal honesty, my youth worker told me that if I continued the way I was going, I could die in the wrong body. The gender clinic wouldn’t treat me if I was unstable, and the thought that I would never feel comfortable in my own skin scared me. I knew I had to change.

At the end of my first term, I dropped out to focus on recovery. CAMHS had been entirely unhelpful with regard to my eating disorder. Due to my issues with dysphoria, I was turned away from the specialist clinic and told to consider eating three meals a day. Recovering alone was daunting. Even though I wanted to get better, the voice had ingrained itself in my brain. Not listening to it was like trying to ignore a screaming baby on a bus.

One of the only things that helped keep the voice quiet was teaching myself to cook. Although it started as another way to control the calories I was consuming, cooking eventually helped me reframe food as something other than numbers. It was flavours, ingredients, and preparation. It was soulful and colourful; eating what I had made was rewarding.

By the time the gender clinic offered me an appointment, my body had regained strength. I wasn’t fully recovered, but I was more stable than I had been for a long time. My first appointment was for information gathering. For an hour, two psychologists bombarded me with loaded questions about my identity, body, and mental health. At the end of the session, I was exhausted but excited. The first step was over; treatment would come soon, right?

TRANSITION

Because I was 17 when I got into the service, I was too late for hormone blockers and too early for testosterone therapy. My appointments were essentially useless, but since I’d waited so long to get to the children’s clinic, I would be fast-tracked into the adult’s clinic. That was where the real help would start.

Then COVID happened.

My last appointment was cancelled, and it took another year to put forward my referral to the adult service. Life felt like it was on hold, going through each day in limbo until I could start existing in the world again.

In March 2022, I had my first appointment at the adult clinic – I could hardly contain my excitement. Six years of my life had been spent waiting for the day I could begin my transition. Finally, I was close. My nurse spent an hour and a half with me going through my medical history, desires for transitioning, and experience with dysphoria. When we reached the end of our session, she smiled at me, let me know it had all gone well, and that my next appointment would be in approximately three and a half years.

My heart sank.

Brave-faced; I smiled back at her. All I could think to say was, “Oh.” My legs shook like an earthquake had begun under my feet. No sooner than I left the building, I fell apart. So much of my life had already been wasted on waiting lists; I couldn’t do it anymore.

The moment I woke up the next morning, I began researching private clinics. I found a relatively cheap service with a short waiting list. Within the next month, I was taking testosterone.

Starting testosterone was like finally being offered paracetamol for a headache I’d had my whole life; the relief was almost instant. I knew that I wouldn't wake up with a full beard, but the fact that I was now closer than ever to a body that felt like my own was invigorating.

Changes started slowly, but every tiny difference soon added up. After only six months, I had stubble, my voice had dropped, and my body was hairier than ever – it was fantastic. However, I was still struggling with severe dysphoria because of my chest.

Binding for so many years had caused a lot of damage to me, physically and mentally. Breathing was difficult due to the constant pressure, my ribs and back ached, and I was forever paranoid that people could tell my chest wasn’t flat. Although I was thrilled with everything hormones had done, I needed top surgery to feel complete.

Scraping together every penny I could find, I began searching for a surgeon to help me. I found a doctor in Manchester whose results were exactly what I was looking for. On May 9th, 2023, after almost ten years of waiting, I had top surgery.

Even though I am currently only a few weeks post-op, I have never felt so free in my body. At last, I can recognise myself, and I am proud of myself for making it this far. Holding on was more worth it than I could have ever imagined.

DANNY

“The best way to help someone is to listen to them; so take the time to listen to others but most importantly, yourself.”

Danny

A SOMEWHAT USEFUL GUIDE SHOWING THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY

Journalling is something that has really helped me feel clarity when times get tough so I thought writing about my experiences with mental health might be useful. Not only for me, but for others who are also struggling. Having a blank canvas to be able to express your
emotions is so freeing, especially when it can be read to help others.

If I could recommend one book, it would be Atomic Habits. Habits are who we are, whether good or bad, and the book gives great advice on how to create the good and get rid of the bad. Creating good habits has always been important to me and feeling good within myself.

My favourite quote is from The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse: “’˜I can’t see a way through,’ said the boy. ‘Can you see your next step?’’Yes.’ ‘Just take that,’ said the horse.” This novel has some fantastic quotes to remember when you are going through a tough time, but this is my pick of the bunch.

This section contains references to suicidal feelings. While it does not go into detail, please do not read on if you think the content may be upsetting for you.

WHY I SMILE AT MY DARKEST DAY

Mental health was something that was never spoken about in school. By Year 10 I was able to do Pythagoras Theorem but not understand my own emotions nor did I know who I was. Looking back, I can now see I was not myself. The once active boy now lay in bed most evenings not wanting to wake up. The once friendly child was now suspended for being aggressive in class. But who was to tell me I was not myself if I did not know myself? Who was to tell me that I did want to wake up but I just needed some help? Who was to tell me that I was not angry at my friends but my Dad for leaving my family?

I still remember the spring day one Wednesday in April when I felt I couldn’t carry on but carried on the school day nonetheless, my friends none the wiser. That one Wednesday night when my mum got home late from work and I just cried on her shoulder for an hour. How difficult it was to tell her that I did not want to be here anymore. What seems like a rather sad story is actually a pivotal moment in my life, one that I look back on and smile. So why am I writing this? Well, I want you to know why I smile back at that time and share with you what I learnt.

The biggest outcome from that night was that I started therapy. At the time I was told to keep this a secret, but now I am proud to say I have been in therapy for the last eight years. This is where I started to learn who I really was, where my issues were and not necessarily how to get rid of them, but how to cope with them and embrace them.

I would be lying if I said my depression and anxiety has not got the better of me since, but I know that it will pass. Looking back, I know that what seems like the biggest deal on earth right now will be an issue nearly forgotten in future. Looking forward, I know all the things I would miss out on. I smile to myself knowing that I have gotten through my lowest before and will get through hard times again. Although I still find it hard to reach out, I know there is someone that would rather sit down and listen to me cry than see me suffer in silence. I know that going to bed and getting up the next day is a real achievement when feeling at your worst and it often makes me feel better as our thoughts versus reality are two very different things.

I think of it as the circle of life, not the one from The Lion King, but the emotions we go through. Sometimes we are at the top and feel great, sometimes we can be at the bottom and feel not so great. We can fall from the top quite quickly which can be a surprise and hard to deal with, and sometimes it can be a real struggle to start moving our emotions back towards the top where we feel good. However, by understanding our emotions we can feel ourselves start to fall from the top and maybe we can catch ourselves before we feel too low. When we are inevitably near the bottom of the circle at times, a friend can make it easier to climb back up, rather than trying to do it on your own. Life will always have its ups and downs, but embracing the ups and having learned to equip myself with the right tools to cope with the downs has changed the way I view things.

Don’t forget that your life is your own story so try not to compare it to anyone else’s. It can be hard to see others doing well when you’re not, but believe me when I say that when you start doing well again it feels even better after being through a tough time. The sun seems a bit brighter and the laughs are a bit louder, and that is why I smile at my darkest day.

I Wish I Knew

I wish I knew the signs I needed help,
I wish I knew who to reach out to,
I wish I knew how to reach out,
I wish I knew there was help,
I wish I knew people cared when I thought they wouldn’t,
I wish I knew things got better,
I wish I knew I would smile again,
I wish I knew what I would have missed out on,
I wish I knew the people I would have met,
I wish I knew the places I would see,
I wish I knew the memories I would make,
I wish I knew how thankful I would be that I spoke to someone that night,
I wish I knew how grateful I am to still be here.

My Mental Health Checklist

• Develop a routine - having a rough structure to life can be really reassuring
• It’s okay to start again - life goes wrong sometimes, it’s okay to go to bed and hit the reset button
• Do the basics - drink water, exercise, and have a good diet
• Mental health is on a scale, it’s not something you have or don’t have
• Have something small to look forward to each week - your favourite food, time out with friends, or a cosy night in
• Be your own best friend - no one would be friends with someone who talks down to them, so why do we allow ourselves to do it to us?
• Invest in yourself - learn new things, wear clothes you feel confident in
• Get to know yourself - Learn what’s best for you when you’re feeling down! Who can you reach out to? What are your signs you might not be doing so well?
• Soundtrack your life - music makes a huge difference to how you feel
• Life can be hard - there will be difficult points in your life, you’ve got through them before and you will get through them again and it’s so worth it
• Asking for help is the bravest thing you can do as it shows you’re refusing to give up
• Life isn’t perfect, it would be boring that way so don’t try to make it that way
• Know what helps long-term: journalling, counselling and meditating regularly helps me
• Slow down once in a while, you have come further than you think

FABBIHA

“Your voice is powerful. Whether you find your voice through speaking, art, singing, writing, poetry, dancing, or any other form of performance, hold onto this. Your voice is so powerful, and you and your stories deserve to be heard by the world.”

Fabbiha

EARLY INTERVENTION

I write because it is an outlet for me, and I very much enjoy spilling the words of my mind onto some paper. I find it difficult to speak aloud sometimes and I feel as though I can articulate myself through writing rather than through speaking. My favourite topics to write are pieces written from personal experience, I also enjoy writing about seasonal changes and flowers. Flowers are beautiful and represent unity – they symbolise joy and pleasure, the several types and colours bring individual meanings yet they are all still unique in their own way. An enjoyable read I would recommend is ‘The Midnight Library’ by Matt Haig. I enjoyed reading this book because it really opened my eyes and shifted my perspective on life. One of my favourite quotes is ‘Everything will be okay, and if it’s not okay then it’s not the end’ – John Lennon. Another one of my favourite quotes is ‘Hope is something you don’t ever lose; you just have to find it again’ - a friend.

NOTE TO THE READER

I hope that our stories help you to feel a sense of comfort that you’re not going through your troubles alone. Life can be so tough, but if you’re struggling it doesn’t mean that you’re failing. Please hold onto whatever hope you can and know that you’re probably doing much better than you think you are - the fact that you’ve made it through every bad day you’ve had so far speaks volumes about how strong you are, no matter how cliché it may be to say so. Struggling with poor mental health can be so debilitating and isolating, but I hope that you can see through this zine that people can get better and that it certainly is possible to learn to live with mental illness.

Heat Within Me

There is a fire,
Starting up inside of me

Waiting
For more fuel.

It will soon
Spital out of control.

My attempt
To grip onto the remaining things
In my life
Is starting to loosen,

I speak with anger,
Every time.

I express my feelings
With tears every day.

I do things carelessly.

The world
Has it out for me.

A journey to find a reason

For these overwhelming feelings
Ends in an attempt on my life.

Everything will fail you
In life.

Everyone will eventually leave.

I must find
Peace in my own company.

Stop with the desperation
To keep up with the crowd.

Maybe your fire will quieten.

Be patient with the person
You are becoming.

Forgive the person you were.

Hold on dear,
The fire will soon leave.

WHY EARLY INTERVENTION IS SO IMPORTANT

Every day I am met with the debate of whether I reached out soon enough and if it was worth it. I wonder how much further damage could have been prevented if someone had just listened to me the first time I reached out as a young child.

“Every teenager feels like this” is what my first counsellor ever said to me. “Other people have it worse” is what followed, whilst 12-year-old Fabbiha sat there, begging for help. These words broke me. I had finally found my voice to ask for help but it was all taken away within a second. I decided that I would attempt to fight this alone. Then lockdown came along, an almost unbearable time for everyone. “How could someone possibly ever understand what is going on inside my head?” is a thought that was on repeat in my head throughout the entire lockdown. But this lockdown gave a chance for self-reflection. A time I spent alone with a million thoughts racing through my mind, I decided my best shot of survival was to speak to someone. Upon the return to education and when the world opened up again, I knew my best bet was to talk.

Early intervention plays a crucial role in the development of a child’s mental health. It means helping someone understand more about their situation than they already know. If intervention is delayed, these symptoms can manifest into bigger things; things that may become harder to seek support for.

Reaching out saved my life. Although it may not have been as soon as I should have, I took the hardest step and uttered the words, “I need help” and I can now gladly say that I have battled through 100% of my toughest days. Although I still struggle, I am glad I reached out when I did so and I’m glad to have people advocating for me. By reaching out, I now have a bigger support system than I could have ever imagined having. Through my difficult days, I will continue to use my story to educate other young people on the importance of speaking and how reaching out can save a life.

I had been brainstorming ideas of questions to ask my peers, and one question I thought of asking was, “How did you find help” but I was met with more questions in my own mind rather than answers from others. Many young people do not have the privilege of reaching out for support in the early stages of their struggles but may also not have the support or understanding from the people that surround them in their daily life.

I am currently living in an inpatient psychiatric unit, and the environment has shown me that I’m not alone in my struggles and has given me the opportunity to ask a few questions that I would love to share the answers to.

What was your experience of asking for help?

1. “My experiences of asking for help have never had a positive outcome due to the cultural stigmas surrounding mental health, as well as being dismissed as ‘attention seeking’”.
2. “Absolutely awful I got ignored as I was ‘too young’ to be suffering with mental health struggles and I had to be at extreme scenarios to be taken seriously.”
3. “Unfortunately, my experience of asking for help was not the easiest. Fear of being judged by my teachers and peers after attempting to create a ‘normal’ image of myself and expressing my emotions to my immigrant parents is what prevented me from asking for help. The help eventually came only after a suicide attempt and is something that I struggle with to this day. Honestly, not asking for help when I was young is one of the biggest regrets of my life.’
4. “It was awful. My school were very neglectful, and I had to go private first before everyone else listened to me.”
5. “My experience in asking for help is honestly non-existent, as I’ve never felt the courage to step forward and openly ask someone for support. This has then become challenging for me as I have had to constantly wait for people to read the signs of when I’m most struggling because I always feel like a burden towards others.”

What would make you feel listened to?

1. “Simply feeling validated, not everything needs a ‘solution’, sometimes we just need them to say they understand how tough it is for us and that we don’t deserve it. Actively involving themselves in our care.”
2. “The main thing that would make me feel listened to is the action in which is taken after me speaking to someone, as this would signify genuine support someone is willing to create for me. When someone does something to personally help me in my own is honestly so kind and selfless which is something I wish everyone should experience in their life.”
3. “I think the one thing that would truly make me feel like the other person is listening and understanding, even if their life circumstances are quite different to mind, is by simply saying ‘you are allowed to feel that way’. It’s so common today for people’s issues to be invalidated, so I think it’s important to express that it’s okay to not feel ‘normal’ and that it can happen to anyone.”
4. “Active listening is super important. There should be easy access for those supporting people with mental health issues to know that you don’t have to have the answer to help someone, merely listen to them and try your best to reassure them of the importance of their feelings, no matter how ‘irrational’ they may seem to others or how confusing they are to yourself.”
5. “I think that being listened to would mean having a comfortable safe space, with someone who is paying attention and understand what you’re talking about – not being spoken over, not being interrupted.”

Why do young people find it hard to ask for help?

1. “Mainly being out of fear and uncertainty. Asking for help is a massive step – it’s as if you’re inviting people to view your past, which you may have been hiding for quite some time. It’s like opening doors that have been shut for so many years, and not knowing if there will be a positive outcome on the other side.”
2. “Despite living in a progressive era, there is still a lot of stigmas surrounding mental health and illness as it is not visible. Unlike a broken leg or chickenpox, it is so difficult to express your feelings and emotions about something no one else can see. This has all led to fear of judgement, fear of speaking to family/friends because of cultural pressure and fear of change.”
3. “Young people find it hard to ask for help because of the stigma around it. There’s a certain perspective thrown onto mental illness that involves being ‘sick enough’ or ‘attention seeking’. Young people find this especially difficult because they don’t want to be taking support away from others – or feel undeserving of support.”
4. “The fear that I wouldn’t be listened to. My experience was difficult, with lots of professionals being involved with my care telling me whats best for me. There was a lot of miscommunications, which lead to mistakes being made – it made me not want to reach out for help again in fear that the same would happen.”
5. “Because when we do reach out for help, people typically undermine how we feel. They tend to put it down to hormones or us ‘attention seeking’ without trying to find out the root cause. I understand that the NHS is stretched, but if we received the correct care from the beginning, there would be less psychiatric admissions and we’d have a better quality of life overall, therefore reducing the stretch and saving money.”

Why do you think early intervention is important?

1. “Because once you’ve dealt with a mental health issue for a few years, you begin to forget who you were before, which makes recovery harder as you don’t feel like a person outside of it.”
2. “Early intervention can save lives. If you catch an illness at the beginning, you can use techniques such as therapy and medication to prevent further deterioration. If you wait until a patient is at their worst, it becomes further difficult to treat. This may have created a re-wiring in their brain which then leads to treatment having to last a lot longer and may have smaller chances of full recovery.”
3. “Early intervention is incredibly vital for mental health problems. As the government seems to always primarily focus on money rather than people, putting more funds towards country wide early intervention hubs would save the NHS an awful lot of money.”
4. “With early intervention, the children would receive the correct care from the moment they present with mental health issues, not when they’re so deep into it and it’s virtually impossible to help them as they’ve had that mindset for so long.”
5. “If you catch cancer in its initial stages, statistically, it is proven that the recover rate is much higher than finding cancer in its final stages. It is the same thing with mental health – if you can establish good habits and a healthy mindset early on, then a thriving lifestyle will be set for many years.”

JADE

ALL SHADES OF BLACK. STANDING OUT AND PROUD

Why do I write?

Writing has allowed me to process my emotions in ways talking couldn’t. When my emotions don’t make sense, I write. This process allows me to understand why I am feeling overwhelmed. I can then articulate to someone how I truly feel.

NOTE TO THE READER

Have you ever felt different? I have. I tried to fit in but I realised I was supposed to be different. It was more of a struggle fitting into a box I didn’t belong in than having courage to be myself.

This section contains references to suicidal feelings. While it does not go into detail, please do not read on if you think the content may be upsetting for you.

THE SELF-CARE RECIPE

The self-care recipe is a mixture of personal ingredients that will shape the ways you want to add a bit of self-care in your day-to-day life.

Seek what is seeking you - Ms. Marvel

You can’t use up creativity, the more you use it the more you have - Maya Angelou

If you have the ability of love, love yourself first – unknown

Ingredients of Self-care
Example: Book, face mask, calming music (lofi music)

Methods of Self-care

Example: Find a quiet space (Bedroom, Local Library or a coffee shop)

Spend at least 10 minutes reading a book you love the look of. Listen to calming music if there are distractions around.

If suitable spend time applying a face mask and read your book while it dries.

BLACK, FEMALE AND DEPRESSED – FEELING LOST IN MY 20s

Dear my past self,

I know you don’t believe you have a purpose. You don’t see the point in living because you think you’re not contributing to the world as you lay in bed for consecutive days and your intrusive thoughts consume your mind.

You think you’re not skilled enough and can’t amount to anything. That’s why you think it is better to allow the days to pass until your death, rather than struggle to find something that isn’t actually there. It will take you a while to even realise that you are wrong and no longer believe the thoughts that have consumed you to be bed bound. But you are wrong.

Your thoughts have mutated into poison, slipping into your sub-conscious, making you believe that life isn’t worth living anymore. I want to say sorry to you for ever believing those thoughts. I have had to surrender to those thoughts to realise that I don’t want to die and I want to give life a second chance. And that is what I am doing now.

I want to tell you that things get better. I have had to remove everything that is contaminating my life and see what can be restored and salvaged. It has taken time for me to build the courage to have a better perspective on life and I believe I look at life a little bit differently now.

Note: I am writing to you in a small chain burger restaurant staring out the window envisioning my life as a music video.

Sometimes life doesn't go the way you plan but I now know that that's the magic of it. You get a chance to make a change. You can still do what you set out to do but simply change the plan. Since my plans didn't work out, I've been exploring a new path. A path that I didn't know I was brave enough to take. I put my best foot forward and remembered I am better than the false narratives that are set by others. I am greater than my own negative beliefs of myself. I know that sounds big headed, but we both know that I have put myself down for far too long to not give myself at least a little bit of praise.

Life is now moving forward and seems to be full of opportunities. I just have to go out and get them. I am not holding myself back anymore even if I am scared. I am going to do everything with an open heart. Being less cruel to myself has made me more loving to others. I am starting to see the positives in life again. Which makes me so happy, because I know right now you see life as a deep black vortex that makes your world seem hopeless. But soon you’ll see that life is full of hope and I am finding the joy in life again.

Why am I getting emotional writing this to you? Who knows, maybe it's a relief to actually be in control of my life again and feeling like I’m contributing to something so much bigger than myself. I will continue to be vulnerable and show you that it is ok to be all versions of yourself, especially when you are just starting to find out who you are.

I know you’ve felt lost all your life, but so much changes for you. I know you think you don’t fit in anywhere. You’re trying to fit yourself into the parameters of groups of people that don’t value your worth. I am not claustrophobic, but trying to reduce myself and hide parts of myself that I truly love, which are not loved by others, was a constant daily fight.

Note: I’ve been waiting for my boyfriend for over an hour... he missed out on free food while I comforted my hunger.

I'm now no longer hiding those parts of myself that I truly love. I am not hiding who I am. Even the parts that are the most vulnerable and raw.

I am finding it difficult to understand now how you want to leave this earth. You would miss out on so much.

I have laughed more this year than I have cried. And boy I can cry. Streams of saltwater traveling down towards the corner of my mouth and spiking my taste buds.

But we are not going to end this on a sad note. All I want to say to you is that I am genuinely happy with how life is turning out. And I am proud of who you are becoming. This is not the end but merrily the beginning of a new life.

Lots of love
Jade - the authentic storyteller.

“I am happy that I took the courage to write my story. I will never stop writing no matter where I’ll end up in life. You shouldn’t stop the things that make you feel more like yourself.” - Jade

JESS

SCHIZOPHRENIA - A MAP THROUGH MY MIND

Writing has always played a huge part in my life - from poetry helping to express my complex emotions at my darkest moments to short horror stories written on the school bus for fun! It is my creative outlet and one on which I rely heavily. Poetry especially will always be one of my best coping mechanisms when I struggle with my Schizophrenia symptoms. This quote from the film Dead Poet’s Society sums up brilliantly the importance of poetry:

“We don’t read and write poetry because it’s cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is full of passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.” - Dead Poet’s Society

NOTE TO THE READER

I’ve always found writing to be an excellent form of therapy- a way to get all the noise in my head onto paper, a way that I can communicate with people when I have no voice, a way that people can navigate through my mind even when I cannot. My writing is often quite macabre but that reflects what goes on daily in my mind and the illness I have to live with. But my writing also gives me hope and I believe that it gives the reader hope too - that although there are dark times, times where we see no way out, times when we feel truly lost, there is always hope.

This section contains references to self-harm and suicidal feelings. While it does not go into detail on either of these things, please do not read on if you think the content may be upsetting for you.

SCHIZOPHRENIA

One step forward, dragged two steps back.
I can feel my heart race,
As my mind starts to crack.
Hidden messages in number plates;
And finding meanings in calendar dates.
Codes meant for me, and me alone.
Can’t people see I’m the special one?

These ciphers I must solve with the world at stake.
I seek comfort in the darkness;
But long to stay awake.
Fluorescent signs in towns and cities,
Flicker a message for me.
These are important warnings only I can see.

When the world stops looking normal,
And my head starts to spin.
Am I pure evil, is this due to my sin?
I’m being guided by beings no one else can see ...
But even they cannot save me.

Voices screaming in my head,
Commanding me to stay dead.
The Organization following me – all is linked,
These dead-eyed people who want me extinct.

The tracker underneath my skin burns
I must remove it before the shadow people return.
Cockroaches crawling up the walls and in my bed –
Horrific sights I can’t erase from my head.

I see them crawling all over my skin,
I know I can’t let them win;
So, I take a blade to my skin,
And remove those that burrow in.

My thoughts no longer secret,
My mind an open book.
Pages that define me with every dirty look.

It’s hard to stay grounded in the reality everyone else sees.
I don’t know if I will ever escape this disease.
When you no longer know what’s real or not.
And the TV talks to me like a robot.

My mind is unusual and never lets me rest.
I know I may not be grounded in this reality.
But I try my best
This disease that has taken over my body and mind,
I will not let it keep me blind.

I’ve often wondered what it would be like to tell my story.

To share the most hidden and darkest parts of my life. To share something so deeply personal and unique – baring my soul for people to judge.

I used to detest the word schizophrenia – I hated the way it slurs off the tongue, so nonchalantly destroying my life.

People don’t see the world the same way that I do. I’m detached from reality they say. I say they just haven’t seen the true cruelty of this world. If they saw what I saw, heard what I hear- then they’d realise; they would want to hide away too, bury the hurt within themselves, know the painful reality that we all live in, witness the suffering we ignore that happens around us every day.

To most I am just another unwanted statistic. Slowly I retreat further and further away from the world, my memories being replaced by madness.
I often ponder the meaning of life: what I truly can gain from this world. I interrogate the idea of me still living; still hanging on. These are my dark days where I see the world around me in monochrome, where there is no colour, no life. Except me, hiding in the blurred grey lines that is my reality. I feel the world begin to crumble around me; until I am left only with darkness. It’s these moments in my life where I feel utterly alone.

I’m standing on the cliff edge.

The view from here is awe-inspiring. From here I can see the curvature of the earth in the far-flung and hazy horizon. I feel acutely every breath of wind that sends shivers down to my very soul. I embrace the contradiction of humanity: that I am at once small and insignificant and yet as vast as the universe. The waves gnaw at the base of the cliff, as if eroding my resolve. The cliff falls away, piece by piece, but no one notices but me. The rocks have no choice but to crumble into insignificance. Balancing in this place, suspended in indecision, I get a moment of clarity.

I sense my world is falling apart. My life could so easily be destroyed – destroyed by one medical term.

It is easier to die, to give up; but it is harder to stay, it’s harder to hold on. To live- and that’s what I intend to do.

“No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness.” - Aristotle

KATIE

TRAUMA AND ME: MY JOURNEY TOWARDS ACCEPTANCE

I started writing at one of the lowest points in my life, using journalling as a way to express the thoughts and feelings that I didn’t feel ready to communicate. As I moved through my recovery journey I found great comfort in the writing of others, with stories of those who had similar experiences to mine helping me to feel less alone and providing hope when I wanted to give up. I have now reached a point where I feel able to share my work and, as someone who is naturally shy, expressing myself though writing fills me with a sense of empowerment that I am unable to achieve through other means. Outside of writing, I enjoy playing my violin and piano, photography and reading.

NOTE TO THE READER

I hope that my writing instils in you the same sense of hope that was instilled in me when I was in your position. I hope that sharing some of my most intimate experiences helps you to feel less alone, and that the insights I have gained over my continued journey of recovery and self-discovery provide some much-needed light at the end of a long, dark tunnel.

“Recovery from mental illness is rarely linear, especially if you have trauma to unpack, explore and overcome. Be gentle with yourself in this process, giving yourself time to recognise and accept what you have been through.”

Katie

TRAUMA AND ME: MY JOURNEY TOWARDS ACCEPTANCE

For a long time my anxiety lingered in the shadows, subtly making itself known but never quite managing to outsmart my complex system of coping mechanisms. My mind ran on a perpetual loop, constantly fighting to stay one step ahead of the thoughts which trailed behind, as if competing in a never-ending endurance race in my head. For so long I made it through, day after day, week after week, year after year, until suddenly my whole world ground to a halt. I grew tired of the marathon in my mind and I fell to my knees, unable to pick myself up. As social anxiety took hold, I descended into a seemingly bottomless pit of isolation, despair and self-loathing, longing for connection yet unable to take those first tentative steps. The simplest of tasks became a challenge and, before I knew it, even the idea of leaving the house by myself filled me with dread. I spiralled deeper and deeper until I became a shell of my former self, numb to the world and completely unable to function.

The effort it took to claw my way out of that hellish existence felt insurmountable. Time and time again I faced fears that to others seemed so trivial, intentionally forcing myself to feel the anxiety that I had been avoiding for so long. To an outsider looking in, perhaps pushing myself so far that I broke down in the supermarket asking for tinfoil seemed counterintuitive, yet I knew that the only way to move past this debilitating illness was to relentlessly expose myself to these triggering situations, all while holding onto the hope that eventually they would become more tolerable. And over time, they did. My Dad no longer had to walk with me to meet my friends, escorting me like a nervous four-year-old on the first day of reception. I no longer had to think twice about answering the door or picking up the phone.

The omnipresent sense of impending doom that consumed me for the longest time beginning to gradually fade away. Striding away from my identity that had become so blurred with the symptoms of my affliction I began to heal, slowly letting my guard down and allowing myself to change and grow.

I never really paused to consider the root causes of my illness, instead keen to leave therapy firmly in my past and carve out a new existence for myself without anxiety clouding every aspect. To the casual observer my life would have appeared to be completely transformed, yet internally I felt cold and afraid without the security of my well-honed comfort blanket. As I tore apart my web of coping mechanisms, painful memories began to rear their ugly heads, bringing with them a whole range of new challenges to overcome. I suppose trauma is remarkably clever in this regard, lulling you into a false sense of security and then pouncing when you least expect it, expertly weaving its way into every facet of your life before you even realise what has happened.

Despite flourishing with regard to my anxiety, my mental burden remained heavy. The social interactions that I had long yearned for triggered emotional flashbacks, leading me into a vicious cycle of misplaced shame and guilt. My anxious thoughts morphed into over-analysis of every action, both spoken and unspoken, of the people around me and I became hypersensitive to any perceived signs of rejection. Whilst no longer afraid that people were judging my every move, silently mocking me and laughing behind my back, I became convinced that I was unworthy of love and affection, or even respect, in any form. If friends went out without me or were slow replying to a text, my traumatised brain refused to consider any possibility other than one in which they no longer wanted to be friends with me. When I was offered less shifts at work I was adamant that it was because I had done something wrong and they didn’t like me, completely disregarding the fact that all sixty-something employees were in the same position.

It took a long time for me to accept that these responses were, in part, a result of traumatic events I was subjected to during my early teenage years. It took a long time for me to even accept that my experiences counted as trauma. I might have a diagnosis of PTSD, but I wasn’t the victim of a violent crime. I never went to war. I haven’t been involved in a traumatic accident. Instead, I simply went to school. For years I invalidated my own pain, convinced that what I had been subjected to wasn’t “bad enough” to warrant this response and that my illness was somehow less real or valid because other people had what I deemed to be more “significant” trauma. I felt almost ashamed of my diagnosis at first, but over time I came to realise that my trauma and experiences are valid. There are no rules that determine whether something is traumatic or not, and just because somebody else “had it worse” that doesn’t mean that what you went through wasn’t traumatic. Your feelings are valid, and you are allowed to express your pain and emotions. Ultimately, if it traumatised you then it counts as trauma and, whatever form your trauma took, your experiences are always valid.

LAURA

MY STORY

I write because it’s my way of communicating the things I don’t quite know how to say. Whether that’s about my own mental health, my lifestyle or something as simple as my pets, I love having the opportunity to craft something beautiful from words. Outside of writing, I enjoy art, dancing and spending time out in nature. If I could recommend one book, it would be “They both die at the end” by Adam Silvera - it really made me see
life from a different perspective and understand the importance of living in the moment.

NOTE TO THE READER

When you read this, go into it with an open mind. Everyone has struggles in life and those challenges look different for everyone. There might be something you relate to, perhaps unexpectedly, or there might be something that really opens your eyes. However you choose to read this, I hope it offers you some insight into our lives and perhaps even some comfort that you are not alone and you never will be.

MY STORY

I grew up writing stories and drawing pictures. My earliest memories centre around the stories I created, the characters I built and the worlds I put them in. I also read a lot, but I always found myself gravitating away from typical children’s books. Weird things happened in them, characters achieved the impossible and the laws of the normal world just didn’t seem to apply. I never liked that. Even as a very young child, it bugged me that these stories never seemed to represent the real world. If I jumped into a pool, I wouldn’t turn into a mermaid. If times were tough, I couldn’t click my fingers and magically fix it (in fact, I couldn’t click my fingers full stop…still can’t!). And I couldn’t save the world just by believing I could. Right?

So I read other books – the classics, books where I learnt new words but didn’t have a clue how to pronounce them, and where most of the storyline intricacies went straight over my head. And I wrote other stories, stories where things went wrong and didn’t just get better by fate, magic or impossibility. Looking back, it’s not really surprising that my rather doom and gloom tales didn’t turn me into the next child literary prodigy!

But I’m mentioning this because, years later, I found some of my old stories, tucked away in a drawer gathering dust. Of course, I had to read them and, instead of just cringing at the state of my storytelling abilities back then (don’t get me wrong, though, there was a lot of that too!), I was surprised to realise something else. All of my stories, including the ones I didn’t even remember writing, had palpable notes of anxiety and OCD woven throughout them. One of my favourite characters that I created had immense and debilitating pre-competition anxiety and engaged in rituals to calm herself. Another struggled with the nagging feeling that she was never good enough and didn’t fit in. Another was obsessively trying to save someone injured beyond saving, even after death. Another went out on adventures and spent the whole time wanting to go back home again. Another…you get the idea! I also found some of my old drawings which were, again, questionable but powerful in a way I’d never realised before. And the bulk of these were from before I even had the understanding of what I was going through myself. I didn’t know myself consciously, but my subconscious, the one that poured itself into my creative outlet of notebook scribbling, knew.

Whilst I was formally diagnosed when I was around nine years old, I think I’ve always had anxiety and OCD. My old stories and drawings are just one example of this. Growing up, I always felt a bit detached from everyone else. I could never just relax and enjoy myself because there was always something that my brain was fixated on; there was always something I was convinced would go wrong. In school, my grades were good but I rarely ever put my hand up in class for fear of drawing attention to myself. With friends, I was too hung up on my fear of germs to share snacks or makeup. At home, I withdrew to my room and only came out when I felt okay again. The one part of my life where my struggles didn’t make me feel so out of place was my sports. Having grown up as a competitive athlete, perfectionism and attention to detail was encouraged for the best results, and feeling anxious was perfectly normal. So I leaned into that. I loved my sports, and I still do now that I’ve worked to heal my relationship with them but, back then, it was the only time I felt normal. Until I didn’t.

That’s the thing with mental illnesses – they take and they keep taking, never satisfied with what they’ve got. It didn’t take long before my anxiety and OCD had started making even my sports unmanageable. I had so many arduous rituals to complete before I could even start training – sometimes, these rituals took so long that I missed my session entirely! Something had to give and I stepped away from the sports that were causing me the most problems, no matter how much it hurt my heart to do so.

It was at this point that I wondered whether the universe was trying to tell me something, when, a few years later, after I returned to sport, I collapsed during a morning run and got diagnosed with multiple chronic illnesses. That was the closest I’ve ever been to breaking point and there was a brief moment in time where I was convinced that I was cursed or did something really bad in a past life! It felt like I’d only just got to a point where I could finally enjoy my sports, with a healthier mindset, and now they’d been ripped away from me once again!

Suddenly I felt the absence of any physical activity whatsoever and anything to occupy my mind (yes, I also temporarily dropped out of university because being newly diagnosed as chronically ill was a full time job for quite some time!). But then I turned to creativity, my old friend and my first love. Sure, I’d still written plenty of stories and drawn some pictures over the years, but it was no secret that my creative side had been neglected in favour of the sporty side and the side that was determined to get her degree! But, when I found myself sofa-bound, with no exercise and no studying, I opened up my laptop and started to write. I opened up my sketchbook and started to draw. I bought clay and learnt how to make little figurines. I even dug out some of my mum’s old yarn and taught myself how to crochet.

I won’t say I’m thankful for chronic illness, or for the mental health challenges that stopped me from realising my potential as an athlete. I don’t think I’ll ever be at that stage. But I no longer resent them, and myself, in the way that I used to because I can see what it has given me. Returning to my creative soul has been so healing for me in ways I never could have imagined.

That’s not to say I didn’t go back, of course. In fact, I’ve recently returned to ballet for the first time since getting diagnosed, and I hope one day that I will be able to run again soon.

I am also back at university and due to graduate next year. The steps are small but I’m slowly finding my way back to the things I loved, in a way that works for me now. But the one thing I have learnt about myself? That I can’t ignore the creative side of me. When everything else in life doesn’t go right and it all feels a bit hopeless, I open up my laptop, or my sketchbook, or my craft draw. I write whatever comes to my mind – sometimes it’s brilliantly insightful, sometimes it’s nonsensical babble. I draw whatever I want or I simply doodle. Whatever I create, I’m thankful that I rediscovered the love for being creative just for the sake of it.

I have multiple outlets for when I’m stressed and life seems miserable, but art is my constant and my words are my superpower. This is my story of losing myself and finding it again. What’s yours?

BRAVE

They still look at you the same
They still expect the same
Do this, do that, come on, get up
I wish.
But everything I used to do
And everything I used to enjoy
Just feels out of reach
A past life? Feels like one.
How did this happen so suddenly?
What did I do wrong?
That’s just it
I did everything right
I was fit, I was healthy
Now I can’t make it up the stairs.
My life has shrunk
Shrivelled into a wizened ball of nothing
At least I might finally overcome my hospital phobia
If exposure therapy is anything to go by.

Why me?
I had plans, I had goals, I was an athlete,
I wanted a career, I wanted a life
I can’t see one anymore
I’ve tried to look through the fog and the haze
But there’s nothing there
Everything from my old life has been put out of reach
There’s nothing left to mould a new one from
Where’s the passion?
What’s left that ignites my passion and won’t kill me?

Don’t look at me like that
It makes me feel bad
I need this priority seat I promise
My legs might work
But my body doesn’t
Not reliably, at least

I used to kick up a storm,
On the track, on the stage,
I’d leave you in the dust.
Now there’s a storm inside me.
They still look at you the same,
They still expect the same,
Do this, do that, come on, get up!
I wish.
Please just let me sit.
I hate this as much as you do.
More so.
Because my body and mind aren’t compatible anymore,
One has goals, a drive, is going places
And the other’s given up.
Take your pick, make a guess,
Because the other one’s almost convinced to join in.

ART AS A COPING MECHANISM

I am a firm believer in creative expression as a coping mechanism, whether that’s writing or art or movement or anything else. It was the way I expressed how I felt before I had the self-awareness or confidence to articulate it in a personal context. Even now, as someone who is very open about my previous struggles with my mental health, art is my outlet. I encourage everyone, no matter how unartistic you think you are, to give art a chance as a means of coping with difficult emotions. It has been unbelievably healing for me.

“Wherever you go and whatever you do in life, always remember that it’s not a race. You’re exactly where you need to be and you can still achieve all your dreams. Don’t miss out on living in the moment by rushing to the end goal.”

Laura

THEO

NAVIGATING THE MENTAL HEALTH MAZE

Hi! My name is Theo Kennedy and I’m a creative based in London. When I first picked up a camera, it was to create an outlet for myself during a time where I really needed it. These skills that I picked up in those years have allowed me to be offered amazing opportunities and build connections with some really great people.

But writing is also a big part of my life. I’ve been writing in my spare time since I was five but recently, I’ve been using it in a more therapeutic way. I’m a huge advocate for just writing down your thoughts whether it’s ideas for a new project you want to work on or just personal thoughts that you wish to dissect properly. I always recommend to people to own a diary of some sort even if they aren’t struggling with their mental health as in my opinion, it’s a good way of watching your own personal growth in real time which can really help give clarity to the progress you’re making.

If I was to recommend a book, it would have to be ‘The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy’. It’s funny, it’s ridiculous and most importantly it’s an enjoyable read. It’s not too heavy and is a great book to just lighten your mood when you’re feeling a bit low.

NOTE TO THE READER

Mental health can be difficult to navigate at times. Sometimes you may feel like you’re making a lot of progress and sometimes it feels like you’re going around in a circle. But it’s a process that is different for anyone who experiences it. There is no set time that you have to feel better nor is there a set way of feeling better.

I hope if you take anything away from my story it’s that it’s all on your terms. You can decide how much time you need to focus on your mental health, what you do to help your mental health and who you turn to when you need extra support.

NAVIGATING THE MENTAL HEALTH MAZE

Struggling with your mental health is not a linear path nor is it a linear feeling. You don't wake up one day feeling depressed and miraculously feel better in a week. It's like trying to navigate through a maze with no map whatsoever with each turn either taking you back to the beginning or leading to a dead end and to be honest, I feel like I've been walking around in this maze for years. Always coming back to the beginning with what feels like more questions than answers.

I think what most people don't understand is that struggling with your mental health doesn't mean you're always going to be at the extreme end of the mental health spectrum and I personally think that this is the main reason why there is so much negative stigma behind mental health. For example, I'm currently working through some anxious feelings I have regarding my photography and videography work in general.

The fundamental reason behind this anxiety is due to the fact that I absolutely despise when people watch me when I'm recording video outside. It's very unsettling for me thanks to my inner voice constantly telling me that I look ridiculous as I do it, which makes it very difficult for me to feel motivated enough to go out and just have fun. I'm working on it and constantly reminding myself to just 'Feel the fear and do it anyway' and drown out that negative voice that tries to extinguish my confidence in just enjoying myself in public.

Many young people will feel anxious at times. In fact, anxiety disorders are one of the most common mental disorders in the world. But it's important that we know what to do and how to overcome these feelings so they don't become a fundamental part of our personal lives.
Around five years ago, I became very depressed due to a lot of large changes happening in my life all at once and I completely shut down. I told no one around me and just allowed the anger and sadness to build up inside of me thinking that this would help me become unyielding to any future attacks on my mental health.

But I remember at times it felt like I was living life in third person. Watching this character with my face walk around and try its best to pretend like everything was okay deep down. I would laugh where necessary to help blend in, I would smile when people began to ask if something was playing on my mind and I would leave the social group when it became too tiring to lie to myself...

I was so embarrassed to admit to feeling so low because I really thought that I was impermeable to the effects of depression. My idea of 'being a man' when I was 17 left no space to wrestle with my mental health, let alone be affected by the negative aspects. I could be sad but never depressed as in my eyes, it was a sign of weakness as a man to be consistently sad and unsure of oneself. But when the sadness never left and the constant anger and confusion couldn't be pinned to one thing, I started to realise that this feeling I felt was far more powerful and dangerous than just 'sadness' and I would have to accept the situation I was in and work to get better.

My mum realised something was wrong very quickly and made sure that I was supported the whole way through. She told me to treat the depression like I would if I was physically sick and to never refer to it as 'my depression' so I would never feel like it was a set part of my being. "But how long will it take for me to get better?" I would ask her, desperate for some sort of time scale until I was 'back to normal'.

"Mental health is like physical health" She would say. "There are times when we are in poor physical health and we don't expect it to last forever but we do everything we can to make sure that it doesn't control our lives to the extent that we can't function. The same can be said about mental health..."

She was right. I realised that what I needed was an outlet. Something that would drag me out of the deep waters of my mind and take hold of my life for the better...

I’ve always wanted to do something within the arts. I love reading and writing and I’d been writing down my thoughts for a few months to help alleviate the pain. But I had since found a new passion in using a camera and regularly making my way into the city to take photos and just live in the moment. What I soon found was that all of my thoughts would be exclusively about who or what I could take a photo of and when I finally got that shot that I’d envisioned, the biggest smile would appear on my face.

It's been just over three years since I started creating photo and video work and across those years I've had my photos included in an exhibit, taken photos for the Jamaica Rugby Team, interviewed the likes of Judi Love and Fearne Cotton, worked with Levi Roots on a few projects, built the foundation to begin producing my own short films and most importantly, made my mum very proud.

I’ve been at both ends of the mental health spectrum and can tell you that even to this day, I am still somewhere on it. There are days I feel like I could take on whatever the world throws at me with just my bare hands and good looks and there are other days where I feel completely defeated and need time to gather my thoughts and try again when I’m mentally prepared.

And this is completely fine.

Going back to that maze analogy, I don't think I'll be leaving for a while and to be perfectly honest with you I'm okay with this because over time, I'll be able to remember which turns will take me to the very beginning and which ones will allow me to progress with ease. I'll be able to recognise my mistakes, my strengths and my weaknesses and when I need a break from understanding how to progress through the maze, I'll sit down and rest for as long as I need.

Mental health is just as natural as physical health and I think it's about time we treat it as such...

“Be kind to everyone you meet and treat people how you would want to be treated, you never know what people are going through behind closed doors…”

Theo

HELP AND SUPPORT

If you’re struggling with your mental health, you are not alone. Here are some places you can go for information, advice and a listening ear.

YoungMinds
Has information and advice on coping with different feelings, situations and mental health conditions, as well as guides to medication and getting professional support.
Go to youngminds.org.uk for more info.

Childline
If you’re under 19 you can confidentially call, chat online or email about any problem big or small.
Call 0800 1111 for free, 24 hours a day.
Go to childline.org.uk for more info.

The Mix
If you’re aged 11-25, you can contact The Mix via phone, webchat or email about anything that’s troubling you.
Call 0808 808 4994 for free, 4pm to 11pm, Monday to Saturday.
Go to themix.org.uk for more info.

Shout
You can text Shout any time, day or night, to start a conversation with a trained volunteer.
Text 85258 for free, 24 hours a day.
Go to giveusashout.org for more info.

Samaritans
Whatever you’re going through, you can contact Samaritans via phone or email to speak to someone who will listen.
Call 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org for free, 24 hours a day.
Go to samaritans.org for more info.

Papyrus
Offers confidential advice and support for young people struggling with suicidal feelings.
Call 0800 068 4141, text 07860039967, or email pat@papyrus-uk.org for free, 24 hours a day.
Go to papyrus-uk.org for more info.

Bayo
Lists organisations that work specifically with Black young people, including places where Black young people can get mental health support in their local community.
Go to bayo.uk for more info.

MindOut
A mental health service run by and for lesbians, gay, bisexual, trans and queer people with experience of mental health issues.
Offers online support, including a live chat.
Go to mindout.org.uk for more info.

Switchboard
Offers confidential support and advice to members of the LGBT+ community.
Call 0800 0119 100 for free, 10am – 10pm every day. Online chat service also available.
Go to switchboard.lgbt for more info.

Muslim Youth Helpline
Offers confidential, faith and culturally sensitive support by phone, live chat, WhatsApp and email.
Call 0808 808 2008 for free, 4pm to 10pm, seven days a week.
You can also email help@myh.org.uk.
Go to myh.org.uk for more info.

Beat
Offers information and support for anyone affected by eating disorders. You can contact Beat by phone, email or webchat. They also operate a fully-moderated chat group for under 25s.
Their phone number is different depending where you are:

• England: 0808 801 0677
• Scotland: 0808 801 0432
• Wales: 0808 801 0433
• Northern Ireland: 0808 801 0434

Go to beateatingdisorders.org.uk for more info.

No Panic
Supports people struggling with panic attacks, phobias, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and other anxiety-related issues.
Call 0300 772 9844, 10am – 10pm, 365 days a year.
Go to nopanic.org.uk for more info.

OCD Action
Offers support and information to anybody affected by obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).
Call 0300 636 5478 for free, 9:30am – 8pm, Monday to Friday.
You can also email support@ocdaction.org.uk.
Go to ocdaction.org.uk for more info.