Final Fantasy 7: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Avalanche

@LupinIII

Published in 

Fan Fiction

 · 17 Nov 2023

Okay, here it is! The crossover that should never have happened!

Keep in mind, I don't know much about Sailor Moon. I would gladly accept any materials of this subject. Oh, and some of the limits, enemies, materias and characters are based on the Japanese version of Final Fantasy Seven. I will try to correct them as much as possible, so bear with me.

A word of warning to those bored enough to be reading this. As you may (or may not) know, I am a Final Fantasy maniac and a person who knows just the "bare bones" of Sailor Moon. (I'm also a Ranma 1/2 worshipper, but that's not important right now.) Therefore I would like to point out that, while you do not need to know every single thing about Sailor Moon, you would need, at the VERY LEAST, an actual experience of playing Final Fantasy Seven to enjoy (As if this fic is enjoyable!) reading this fanfic. That being said, let's get on with the story.....

Oh yeah, before I forget; C&C, MST reviews, credit card numbers, flames, and death threats can be sent to <vg_ap@hotmail.com>. Remember that the e-mails of last two types will be completely ignored. Or just visit my homepage at <http://www.fortunecity.com/marina/thunder/181/index.html>. A simple text only version is also available at <http://westwood.fortunecity.com/ozbek/256/index.html>.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
!   					                       ! 
!                          DISCLAIMER                          ! 
!							       ! 
!    FINAL FANTASY SERIES ARE THE PROPERTIES OF SQUARESOFT.    ! 
!        SAILOR MOON IS THE PROPERTY OF TAKEUCHI NAOKO.        ! 
!     ANY OTHER SOURCES BELONG TO THEIR RESPECTIVE OWNERS.     ! 
!    THIS FANFIC IS SOLELY FOR THE ENTERTAINMENT AND IS NOT    ! 
!      USED FOR PROFIT IN ANY WAY. THE AUTHOR INTENDS NO       ! 
!        INFRINGEMENT TO THE AFOREMENTIONED COPYRIGHTS.        ! 
!						               ! 
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

(     ) describe the situation, view, sound, etcetras. 
after : character's dialogue 
*     * sound effects 
[     ] author's notes/wisecracks 
between ++++++++++ and ++++++++++ flashback/imaginary scenes 
between ---------- and ---------- switch to commercial/production 
					    scene/the fic/etc

(Scene: A movie production studio, with lots of machine-operated tools. Mako lightbulbs provide a warm light, making it seem like outdoors. Everything is quiet.... Until with a flash of light, the entire Final Fantasy Seven characters appear on the teleportation pad. They look around, evidently in search of someone, until they spot a person sitting on a chair [while guzzling down a can of Coke] in the far end of the room. They approach him. He is an Asian youth and is short and slightly out of shape. Imagine a male Yuffie with a pair of glasses. He is also in Locke's costume [blue bandanna and jacket with a white shirt] that makes him look like a nerd.)

Cloud: Hey, you are our new employer?

VGAP: Uh-huh. *burp* Call me VGAP, or just Vee. (He puts down his empty Coke can.)

Yuffie: So how much are you gonna pay us?

VGAP: What, you ask for a paying amount before you ask for details of the job?

Cait Sith: Well, that's Yuffie for ya.

VGAP: Fine, I will give you a mastered All materia for each chapter.

Yuffie: Sounds good! (She nods in satisfaction.)

Cloud: So give us the details, wouldja?

VGAP: It's gonna be a crossover with Sailor Moon!

(Everybody falls silent, making Vee rather nervous.)

VGAP: What, you don't like it?

Cloud: LIKE IT! NO WAY I AM GOING TO CROSS-DRESS AGAIN!!

Vincent: Again?

Barret: Whaddaya mean you gotta cross-dress?

Aeris: Oh! Cloud is to be the Sailor Moon, right?

VGAP: Ding-dong!

(Cloud grabs Vee by the collar, making him choke a little.)

Cloud: I will OMNISLASH you before you get me in those #$%^&*+ Sailor clothes!

VGAP: (grins evilly) Say, Strife, see this? (He holds up his wristwatch.)

Cloud: Uh?

(Cloud pales as he sees a red materia paired with a blue materia in Vee's wristwatch.)

Yuffie: Huh? What is it, what is it? ..... WOW! A Knights Of Round and Final Attack materias!

VGAP: Right! So, Claddie, if you OMNISLASH me, you are going to be injured much, much worse. Get that straight?

Cloud: You.... YOU! Ohh!

VGAP: Hey hey, calm down, wouldja? You're my favorite character and all..... Besssssiiiiideeeessss.........

Cid: (bored tone) Now whaaat?

VGAP: (turns toward Aeris, Tifa, and Yuffie) Wouldn't you ladies like to see your knight in a shining armor in a dress for a change?

(The girls perk up.)

Tifa: Yeah! I wanna see Cloud in a dress again!

Aeris: Ohhhh! Cloud in a sailor costume..... (Stares into the air with hearts in her eyes.)

Yuffie: HAHAHAHA!! The mighty and heroic ex-soldier in a sailor costume..... I'm gonna love this one!

Vincent: Lord help me..... These women are sick!

VGAP: Now that's settled with, let's start the business!

Cloud: (mutters under his breath) I WILL have my revenge.......

---------------

(Camera fades into the Sector #7 of Midgar; however, the landscape is NOT that of a slum, since Midgar is, in this twisted parody, the megaropolice of peace and prosperity for the reasons that will be explained in future chapters. [Yes, this is a series, or at least planned to be, so you can start screaming now.] Now let's focus onto the shiny Mr.Sun for just a second before shifting down onto the most lethal looking hair in the videogame history, attached to a young face that is somehow sharp yet innocent at the same time. He is about 5 feet and 8 inches, neither fat nor thin. He is in a school uniform [You know what they are like..... Just watch any Japanese animation.] and carries a BIG, kick-@$$ sword on his back....... NOT! Actually, he only has a blunt broadsword on his waist. The view now includes his entire body, running through the street like there is a fire after him.)

Cloud [com'on, like you didn't know it was him!] : Blast it! Why can't uncle wake me up earlier!?

(He continues running down the street, passing or brushing by amused/annoyed people who only shake their heads, too used to see him rushing to school every morning. A little later, he trips on something, rolling on the ground ungracefully for a couple of times before slamming into a wall in a manner that would make Usagi [Or Serena, for translated American version.] seem not so clumsy.)

Cloud: Owowowowowowow...... Uh? (suddenly notices that he has landed in a middle of a trash pile) Ohhhhh.... Yuck!

(He quickly stands up and dusts himself off. He is about to walk away when he notices something weird on the trash pile.)

Cloud: What the.... A cat doll on a stuffed moogle?

(Indeed, a dirty black/white cat doll is sprawled atop a white [actually gray with dirt] stuffed moogle. There also seems to be a circular bald spot on top of the cat's head.)

Cloud: Something must have fell off its head..... Maybe it's this gold crown? (picks it up and sets it on the bold spot) Ah, fits perfectly.. Wha!? (He jumps back in surprise as the doll makes annoying whirring and grinding noises [The kind your computer is making.]. Then a bell rings somewhat distantly, and Cloud panics.) Oh, shit! Now I'm REALLY late!

(Cloud takes off running, completely forgetting about the strange doll. Said doll slowly opens its eyes, catching a glimpse of Cloud turning around the corner. It suddenly starts for no apparent reason.)

The doll: What!?

(The doll, riding on the stuffed moogle that suddenly started moving, runs around the corner, but can't find Cloud anywhere.)

The doll: (sighs, then looks determined) No matter, I WILL find him. Vincent, I won't disappoint you! (shakes his fist, then scratches his head) Wait a minute, who the heck is Vincent?

(Screen slowly fades into title:

BISHOUJO SENSHI SAILOR AVALANCHE

STARRING:

[Theme song wanted! Any submissions, no matter how ridiculous, welcomed!]

Episode #1: THE NEW HERO!....... UH, IS IT A HEROIN?

(Midgar High School. Even though it is made out of purple metal and is dome-shaped, it does not look technologically advanced anymore than our world. Cut to inside of a classroom, which does not look advanced either, where Cloud is being scolded by his teacher; a stout, middle-aged black man.)

Teacher: Strife, 'ow many times do ya HAVE ta be late inna semester!?

Cloud: I-I'm sorry, Mr.Wallace...

Barret: Sorry ain't gonna cut it! Outta the hallway wiz buckets, NOW!

(Most of the students laugh. One girl, rather well developed and gorgeous, simply grimaces. She has a hip-long dark brown hair and seems to be about the same height as Cloud.)

Brown-haired-girl: Idiot..... Why does he have to make a fool out of himself so often.....?

(Another pretty girl giggles a little, but kindly instead of mockingly. She has a chestnut-colored hair tied back in a thick braid and two long bangs before each ears, giving her an almost elfin beauty. She seems to be a little shorter than Cloud.)

Girl with braid: (smiling) He's in trouble again. When is he going to learn?

(Cloud stands in a hallway, holding a water-filled bucket on each hands.)

Cloud: That's the last time I help out a stuffed doll on my way to school.

A voice: (Mockingly) Your sense of originality concerning excuses is impressive.

Cloud: (not bothering to turn toward the voice) Good morning to you too, "upperclassman" Sephiroth.

(A tall boy with a long silver hair appears. He is admittedly very handsome, with an atmosphere that radiates arrogance. He is in uniform and carries a blunt super-long sword that makes Cloud's broadsword look short.)

Sephiroth: So, was the widdle swaffed wanimal lost and weeded your welp in getting wome?

Cloud: (getting annoyed) What are you doing here anyway? Shouldn't you be in your class?

Sephiroth: Hmph. I, unlike a worm like you, have no need for a petty educatio-

A new voice: Ahem.....!

(Sephiroth turns around to see his teacher behind him, who, understandably, doesn't look very pleased.)

Sephiroth: Uh......... (sweatdrops)

Cloud: *chortle*

(A little later, Sephiroth stands beside Cloud, holding a pair of buckets.)

Sephiroth: Why, oh why by the name of Squaresoft am I, the "Silver Death" of Midgar High School, aged 18, captain of the Swordmanship Club, standing in the hallway like an unworthy delinquent?

Cloud: (sarcastically) Gee, I dunno. Maybe it's because you're really a "Silver Delinquent"?

Sephiroth: Be quiet, you chocobo-head!

Cloud: Make me, you freak!

Sephiroth: Do you dare me!? I will show you *CRASH* *BONK*

(Barret, who has appeared rather mysteriously, has hit both of them on head with his gun-arm.)

Barret: That's it! First ya be late ta my class, then ya shout lou' enough ta raise da dead! Yer moppin' da floor aftta school, Strife! An' that goes for ya too, Sephiroth!

Cloud & Sephiroth: *GROAN*

(Fade into darkness.)

(Shift into an interior of a limestone cave. A man with orange/blonde hair and cold facial features sits on a throne, idly polishing his long, black, gleaming shotgun. He is in a white suit that covers his entire body. From distance, a horde of figures surround him. The man finishes polishing his gun and sets it aside.)

Man: Palmer!

(A very fat man in a light-brown suit steps out.)

Palmer: Your loyal general is present, King Rufus.

Rufus: Give me a report on how your assignment is proceeding.

Palmer: (smiles) It has just started, your majesty. If all goes well, which obviously will, we should get enough Mako energy in a few weeks. (suddenly gets all trippy) And-a-then, we can form the first huge materia! Tralalalalalalalalala *BOOM* AAARGH!!

(In a blink of an eye, Rufus has fired to the spot just in front of Palmer, not harming him but blasting him down. A big crater is formed on the floor.)

Rufus: (coldly) I have told you to behave yourself and quit that annoying laughter, have I not?

Palmer: (shakily) Y... yes, ya-your majesty.....

(Midgar High cafeteria. Cloud and the brown-haired girl sit at a table. Neither of them seem to be in good mood.)

Brown-haired girl: Honestly, this is the eighth tardy this month, Cloud!

Cloud: (annoyed) So what?

Brown-haired girl: So? SO?! How do you think you are going to earn your credits like this?

Cloud: Oh stuff it, Tifa! What do YOU care about my grades anyway?

Tifa: (mutters silently) If you fail, then we can't go to the college together, you idiot! (speaks aloud) I don't! I just don't want you come to me whining when you fail!

Cloud: Well you can rest assured that I won't go crying to you! (thinks) Sheesh, she wasn't like this when we were younger.....

(The girl with braid comes in and sits on their table.)

Girl with braid: Hi, Cloud!

Cloud: Uh, hi, Aeris.

Tifa: (reluctantly) Hi.

Aeris: So what made you late this morning?

Cloud: (embarassedly) Well, uh, I ran into a pair of dolls on my way. I.... got distracted by them, and next thing I know the bell is ringing.

Aeris: *giggle* Well next time don't get distracted, okay? I would hate to see you doing 10th grade twice.

Cloud: Yeah...

Aeris: Say, do you need some help catching up on the parts you missed this morning?

Cloud: Oh, no thanks. I think I can manage on my own. (thinks) Man, she's nice. So different from Tifa.....

Aeris: Oh, okay..... (thinks) What does it take to get his attention? (sighs too softly for anyone to hear)

Tifa: (thinks) Grrr.....!! Why does he listen to her but not ME!?

(Shift to outside, which the doll from earlier is watching Cloud from a small window.)

The doll: Ah! Here he is! Now, how to approach him.....

(Fade out on close-up of the doll's feline face.)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$COMMERCIAL BREAK$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

(A bar. Two men sit on stools, neither of them looking to be sober enough to turn a doorknob.)

Man 1: Gimmie something cool, bartender.....

(The bartender pours him a transparent liquid. The man gulps it in a second. Nothing happens for exactly three seconds before with a *POOF* of smoke the man turns into a buxom, young red-haired girl.)

Girl: Wha-!?

Man 2: (blinks, then closes his eyes) I gotta be more drunk than I thought.....

(Close-up to the bartender proudly holding the bottle he poured from.)

Bartender: Take a chug, and you're a cutey! The Jyuzengyou potion: Liquor of a Young Girl, formulated by Lumixo Dakabashi, now on sale for just 500 gils! Jyuzengyou potion: Liquor of a Giant Panda coming soon also!

(Fade to black.)

Girl's voice: HEY! TURN ME BACK TO A MAN!!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$END OF THE COMMERCIAL BREAK$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

(Cut to a clock on the wall, which reads 3:00. Pan down to a classroom, with computers on every table. Lots of students are typing away at the keyboard while the instructor walks around supervising.)

Student 1: Say, what's this software's maker?

Student 2: It says Shinra.....

Student 1: Never heard of it.

Student 2: Yeah, where did that sub-teacher get it?

Instructor: You two there! Quit talking!

(Both students get back to work [Though God knows what they are doing.]. Unseen by any of the students, bits and bits of their energy are drained from them into the screen. The instructor gets into teacher's lounge room, where the real teacher is gagged and bound. A ridiculously pointy and techy device is absorbing the students' energy released from the nearby screen.)

Instructor: (Grins grotesquely) Hehehe..... Ignorant fools.....

(Scene changes to a room in the limestone cave, where Palmer is watching the energy grow in a sphere.)

Palmer: (talking to himself) Soon, soon, this huge materia will be filled by those apes' energy.......... (loses what passes for his self-control) TralalalalaLALALALAAAAHHHH!!

(Now a clock reads 4:00. Scroll down to show Cloud grumpily mopping the hallway floor.)

Cloud: (mopping) Rats..... If uncle Cid finds out I got late again, he's gonna lose it for sure!

##########################IMAGINARY SCENE###########################

(Shift into a surreal background of dark swirls framing the white center, in which an SD-Cid is chasing a screaming SD-Cloud back and forth while swinging around a bamboo spear.)

SD-Cloud: AIEEEEEEEEE!!

SD-Cid: KURAUDOOOH!! I DIDN'T ADOPT YOUR @#$%ING @$$HOLE TO HAVE YOU FAILING THE @#$%ING HIGH SCHOOL!! COME THE @#$% BACK HERE SO THAT I CAN TEACH YOU A @#$%ING DISCIPLINE!!!

SD-Cloud: AIEEEEEEEEE!!

######################END OF IMAGINARY SCENE########################

(Cut back to hallway as Cloud shudders a bit. He then comes to end of his work.)

Cloud: Finally! (grabs both the mop and bucket and starts walking) I almost thought those floors were expanding!

(Cloud goes into the bathroom and deposit the dirty water of bucket. He then puts away both equipments into janitorial closet, not noticing something entering the bathroom. Only when he hears the sounds of footsteps he turns around to see the doll from earlier standing before the entrance.)

Cloud: Huh? What's that doll doing her-YAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!?

(Cloud backs away panickily when the doll starts walking towards him [That is, the moogle is walking while the cat rides on moogle's head.]. Ignoring the frightened look Cloud gives it, the doll grins broadly.)

The doll: Hey you! Don't be so afraid, I'm just a robot.

Cloud: (shakily) A ro-robot!?

The doll: Yep, truly and precisely! I am Cait Sith version...... Version.......

(Big sweatdrops appear on Cloud and Cait Sith's head.)

Cait Sith: I...... Forgot.

(Cloud facefaults with a loud *BANG*.)

Cloud: I thought a robot would be pretty smart...

Cait Sith: I think I lost many data when this (points to the crown) accidentally fell off. Speaking of which, I must thank you for rebooting me this morning.

Cloud: Uh, sure, no problem. So did you come just to thank me?

Cait Sith: (narrows its eyes) I'm afraid it's MUCH more than that....... Cloud Strife.

Cloud: (startled) Huh!? How did you know my name? Just WHO-WHAT are you!?

Cait Sith: (looks very serious) I am your adviser for the imminent battle against Shinra Kingdom!

Cloud: (confused) What?

(Cait Sith reaches inside the moogle and gets a purple orb that is about the size of a table tennis ball. Cait Sith tosses the ball to Cloud.)

Cait Sith: Now raise that above your head and shout "SOLDIER POWER MAKE UP!"

Cloud: (even more confused) Huh?

Cait Sith: (getting annoyed) It will turn you into the legendary warrior Sailor Soldier!

Cloud: Warrior? But I'm just a high school student.....

Cait Sith: (now very frustrated) JUST DO IT ALREADY!!

Cloud: Well.... Okay..... (raises the purple orb above his head) SOLDIER POWER MAKE UP!

(Cloud's body becomes a light purple silhouette as he starts spinning [In that strange background I love to hate.]. Only his eyes are visible, and they are closed. Oddly, the eyelashes start growing longer. The body seems to shrink and shudder as it grows smaller, smoother, lighter, and CURVIER. A swimsuit-like, sleeveless, purple-shouldered sailor uniform forms on Cloud with a big purple ribbon between neck and chest tied by a purple orb, a very short purple skirt, and a shin-length purple boots form on the legs. A pair of pigtails shoot out from back of head and the hair loses some of its spiky quality. A tiara forms on the hair and purple gloves materializes on the hands. Finally, a HUGE sword forms out of the thin air and rests on the wall.)

(Now Sailor Soldier stands in utter shock and bewilderment as he, or rather she, looks down at herself. Former-boy-turned-into-a-pretty-girl-in-a-skimpy-outfit [Whew!] screams in a pure horror.)

S.Soldier: I..... I'M A GIRL!?!

Cait Sith: (sweating) Um.... It seems to be so.

(Sailor Soldier grabs Cait Sith [the cat part] by neck.)

S.Soldier: WHAT HAPPENED TO TURNING INTO A LEGENDARY WARRIOR!?

Cait Sith: *GASP* Let me down... I *WHEEZE* will compute for an explanation....

(Sailor Soldier reluctantly lets go. Cait Sith reaches into the moogle and takes out a laptop computer. He starts typing quickly.)

Cait Sith: Hmm.... Uh... Oh crap!

S.Soldier: What?

Cait Sith: I think my database was damaged more than I thought. All I got was a jumbled message that says "KORE WA SAILOR MOON TO NO CROSSOVER DAROOGA!" [If you manage to uncode this Japanese message, you will get a mystery prize..... Maybe!]

S.Soldier: Well that's not any help. Anyway, change me back into a guy!

Cait Sith: (puts away his laptop) I'm afraid not. At least, not yet.

(Sailor Soldier grabs the aforementioned HUGE sword and holds it threateningly over Cait Sith.)

S.Soldier: TURN ME BACK INTO A GUY, RIGHT NOW!

Cait Sith: (hastily) Wa-wait! You have to stop the Shinra Kingdom's attack first!

S.Soldier: I don't see any attack by- (She is interrupted by a series of low moans coming from outside the bathroom.) Huh?

(Cut back to the classroom with computers. Most students are already sprawled over the keyboard, their energy continually drained into screens. The several remaining few are paling and sweating in fear.)

Student 1: What..... What's going on.....?

Student 2: Gonna..... Run for it......!

(Student 2 stumble out of chair, only to be picked back up by throat by the instructor and stuffed back onto the chair. The remaining students cannot hold out any longer and passes out.)

Instructor: Oh no, I don't think so. You are going to give us all the energy you got till you DIE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Voice: STOP IT!

Instructor: Wha!? What in- (He trails off as he sees Sailor Soldier.)

S.Soldier: (while doing bunch of weird poses) Electronics are designed to help people, not to harm them! To twist them for an unjust purpose is intolerable! I am Sailor Soldier, bringer of justice, here to defeat the evil..... And that means YOU!!! In the name of Soldier, I shall punish you!

(The instructor and Cait Sith create a BIG sweatdrop as Sailor Soldier finishes her speech.)

Instructor: .......

Cait Sith: Whe..... When did you come up with a speech like that!?

S.Soldier: (looking embarrassed) Well, I just had this sudden urge to open my mouth.....

(Instructor suddenly gets a device out of his pockets and activates it. He transforms into a Guardsman [the absolute first enemy you face after the opening FMV.].)

Guardsman: Okay, that just means I gotta kill you. (He gets out an automatic rifle.)

(Sailor Soldier pales very quickly.)

S.Soldier: Wa-wa-wait! I-I was just kidding! Don't kill me!

Cait Sith: HEY! YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO KICK HIS BEHIND, NOT GROVEL FOR MERCY!!

Guardsman: (laughs cruelly) Too bad.

(Guardsman fires off. However, the bullets simply bounce off of Sailor Soldier, eliciting a small yelp of mild pain from her.)

Guardsman: (looking astonished) What the hell.....?!

S.Soldier: (looking equally shocked, turns to Cait Sith) Uh..... Shouldn't I be dead?

Cait Sith: (disgustedly) Moron... You're the legendary warrior Sailor Soldier! A simple gun would have a long way to seriously hurt you!

S.Soldier: (wide-eyed) REALLY? Then I can beat him up? (points at Guardsman)

Cait Sith: Easily. He's just a third-rate minion!

S.Soldier: Cool!

(Sailor Soldier picks up her huge sword and charges at the Guardsman. One swipe later, he is in a considerably bad shape; his helmet, armor, and gun are cracked beyond use.)

Guardsman: (shaking) This can't be happening.....!

S.Soldier: Ha! Any last words?

Guardsman: Grr.....! It's a little early to celebrate! (He runs back into a storage room.)

S.Soldier: Come back here!

(She gives chase into the room, wherein she encounters a big, red, scorpion-like mecha.)

Guardsman: (from inside the mecha) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!! Can you defeat the Guardscorpion, version 2.11? (The mecha swings its tail, knocking Sailor Soldier away.)

S.Soldier: Yaaahh! (she crashes to a wall) ARGH!!

Guardsman: DIE!! (The mecha aims its arm toward Sailor Soldier, getting ready to fire.)

S.Soldier: EEEEEK!!

(Sailor Soldier barely manages to avoid the bullets. The fight continues with Guardscorpion attacking wildly while Sailor Soldier frantically stays alive. Finally, one of the Guardscorpion's shots hits her.)

S.Soldier: OUCH!! (falls down)

Guardsman: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! You can't beat me no matter what, so stop trying!

S.Soldier: (to Cait Sith) What am I supposed to do?!

Cait Sith: (thinks) Maybe I shouldn't have chosen her-I mean, him..... (speaking) YOU are SUPPOSED to be the hero! Don't ask me for help every second!

S.Soldier: (crying) IDIOT! You should've gotten me a gun then, I can't get close enough to attack!

Cait Sith: (sighs) You CAN attack from far with your sword! Use your Materia Power!

S.Soldier: (looks confused for a second, then understanding fills her face) Oh! I got it! (stands up and holds her sword) PURPLE MATERIA POWER: LONG RANGE ATTACK!

(Sailor Soldier swings her sword horizontally [In that 10+ seconds exaggerated sequence unique to Sailor Moon.]. It doesn't connect at all, yet, with a loud *CLANG*, Guardscorpion's left shoulder part cracks.)

Guardsman: What?! How in the Shinra is that possible?!

S.Soldier: (with a gleeful expression)HahahahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHA!!! Take this! PURPLE MATERIA POWER: LONG RANGE ATTACK! *CLANG* PURPLE MATERIA POWER: LONG RANGE ATTACK! *CLANG* PURPLE MATERIA POWER: LONG RANGE ATTACK! *CLANG*

Cait Sith: No, don't! You can't use Materia Power-

S.Soldier: (ignoring Cait Sith) PURPLE MATERIA POWER: LONG RANGE ATTACK! *CLANG* PURPLE MATERIA POWER: LONG RANGE ATTACK! (Nothing happens.) Ah? Ehhh.... PURPLE MATERIA POWER: LONG RANGE ATTACK! (Nothing happens.)

Cait Sith: -infinitely....... (Cait Sith sees Sailor Soldier frantically swinging her sword back and forth. He gets red in face.) YOU IDIOT! YOU USED UP ALL OF YOUR MATERIA POWER!!

Guardsman: Bwahahahaha! You fool!

(Guardscorpion shoots at Sailor Soldier, knocking her away to the wall.)

S.Soldier: ARRRRGGGHHHH!!

Guardsman: Now prepare to die!

(Guardscorpion rears back its tail as high as it goes, preparing to impale Sailor Soldier.)

S.Soldier: (bawling girlishly) NOOOOOOOO! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIEEEE!!

Cait Sith: (frantically running back and forth) NO! She can't die yet, this is the very FIRST episode for Squaresoft's sake!!

Guardsman: DIE!

(Guardscorpion stabs downward with its tail toward Sailor Soldier, who shuts her eyes in fright. At the last possible moment, however, a silver-and-black blur zooms past between Sailor Soldier and Guardscorpion. A metallic scream is heard, then the Guardscorpion's tail drops on the floor with a loud *CLANG*.)

Guardsman: WHAT!?

(Everyone turns toward silver-and-black figure. He is a tall young man with a long silver hair, wearing a black tuxedo and a top hat. A white eyemask [You know what it would look like, wouldn't you?] covers part of his face. He is also holding a six-feet long sword, held in a position that suggests its recent use.)

Man: (turning toward Sailor Soldier) I... am the Tuxedo Swordsman! Sailor Soldier, the true victor is always the one who does not give up till the end! Search within yourself, and find the strength to prevail over your adversary! (leaps away from the nearby window) Farewell!

S.Soldier: (wide eyes) Wow...!

Cait Sith: Quick! Finish him off by using your Limit Break technique!

S.Soldier: (blinks) Limit Break...? (eyes widen in realization) Oh yeah!

(Sailor Soldier dashes toward Guardscorpion, then leaps high into the air.)

S.Soldier: (holding her sword behind her head) LIMIT BREAK: BRAVER!!

(The sword's tip shines for a second, before Sailor Soldier crashes it down on Guardscorpion. A white light bursts out from the impact.)

Guardsman: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! (Guardscorpion explodes away in a burst of red transparent polygons.)

(Scene changes into that of room in the limestone cave, in which Palmer is watching the energy grow. Without warning, the collected energy scatter away.)

Palmer: What!? What happened? Could it be that he was defeated? (pauses, then calms down) Maybe the robot suit he had was malfunctioning. If so, their so-called police could have killed him with enough weoponaries. I should have sent somebody other than the weakest member of our troops.....

(Back to the classroom, where students are slowly regaining consciousness.)

S.Soldier: (bending down over student 1) Hey! You okay?

Student 1: (back on the floor, lifting his face up) Uhh..... Wha? (His eyes glaze over, and he starts drooling.)

(Sailor Soldier frowns in confusion before she realizes that, from their position, the student can look right down her shirt. Blushing fiercely, she hastily stands up and turns around, only to see a horde of students with crazed look on their faces. To her growing horror, Sailor Soldier realizes that they must have been staring up her skirt while she was bending down.)

Sailor Soldier: (sweatdropping and badly flushed) Uh... What..... Excuse me.......

(The hormone-brainwashed teenagers rush toward her. A high-pitched scream echoes around the town.)

(Sometime later, when the sun is setting. In a deserted alley, Sailor Soldier is trying to hide behind a trashcan. She starts trembling as a figure enters the alley.)

S.Soldier: (crying like a baby) Nonononononononononononononono-

Cait Sith: Ah! There you are! I have been looking for you for hours!

S.Soldier: (desperately) It... It's you! Turn me back now!

Cait Sith: No problem, just take that materia off from your ribbon.

(Sailor Soldier does as told, and turns back to Cloud holding the purple materia in his hand.)

Cloud: That was a..... bizarre experience...

Cait Sith: Well you better get used to it, because you are going to have to do that again pretty soon.

Cloud: WHAT!? Why!?

Cait Sith: Haven't you been listening? You are to battle the Shinra Kingdom as Sailor Soldier until it is destroyed completely!

Cloud: NO WAY!! I'm not gonna get into that stupid outfit again!

Cait Sith: You don't have a choice in the matter! The safety and future of humanity lies in your hands!

Cloud: Humanity up my behind! What if somebody found out!? I'm gonna die from sheer humiliation! (shudders)

Cait Sith: (seriously) Well, there's one thing you can do to prevent that.

Cloud: (interested) What?

Cait Sith: (cheerfully) Spend rest of your life in your girl form!

Cloud: (facefaults, then stands up with a furious expression on his face) You... YOU STUPID MOOGLE-RIDDEN PUSSYCAT!!! (gets out his blunt long sword)

Cait Sith: (sweating) W-wait! Think about the future and safety of humanity! Think about justice and..... (sees that Cloud hasn't been listening at all) Oh forget it!

(Cait Sith runs off with Cloud on pursuit.)

[Ending theme also wanted!]

--------------

(Scene: the movie production studio again.)

VGAP: Cut! Wrap up! That's all!

Yuffie: Hey! Where's my part?

VGAP: Sorry, but you are not appearing for some time. Here's your pay. (tosses a materia to Yuffie)

Cloud: (muttering, looks VERY angry) If I could just let him not use Knights Of Round...

Tifa: Well, it was pretty silly. (frowns) Why was I fighting with Cloud anyway?

VGAP: You are playing Rei. Need I say more?

Aeris: *giggle* Oh Cloud, you looked sooooooo CUTE in that costume!

(Cloud furiously ignores Aeris. Just then, somebody appears on the teleportation pad. It is revealed to be a young Asian girl [whom I was asked not to describe any further than that.].)

Sawako: Hi Vee!

Barret: Who da hell'zat?

VGAP: That's Sawako, a friend of mine. She once wrote of a Cinderella play with Chrono Trigger characters.

(The Final Fantasy 7 cast wince in sympathy for abused CT characters.)

Cid: What the &*$% is she doing here?

Sawako: I came to give Vee's status report sheet to him.

VGAP: (taking a sheet from Sawako) Thanks, I have been waiting..... (Vee trails off, then pales.)

Cait Sith: You alright?

VGAP: I-it's nothing!

(Vee tries to put it away. Cloud quickly uses his Steal materia to snatch it away.)

VGAP: Hey! GIVE IT BACK!!

Cloud: VGAP, level one. No limit breaks learned, 0 EXP earned. HP 100/100, MP 15/15..... (grins evilly)

(Vee backs away in fear from Cloud, who is holding Ultimate Weapon.)

Sephiroth: (snorts) That fool doesn't have enough MP to summon Knights Of Round.....

VGAP: Wait, wait...! Let's get rational about thi-

Cloud: OMNISLAAAAAAAAAAAAASHHH!!!

(Vee has just enough time to swear out loud before Cloud butchers him. He then uses Mime materia to do it again, and again, and again.....)

Sawako: (blinks, then turns toward the camera) Well, since the producer is... Occupied... At the moment, I will read out his afterwords. (picks up a piece of paper from a nearby desk)

First of all, he repeats that this #FanFiction is only for entertainment purposes and is not, and will not be, used for monetary profits. He offers thanks and apologies to Squaresoft and Takeuchi Naoko for Final Fantasy series and Sailor Moon, respectively. He also offers thanks and apologies to the author of Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Ranma, whose work encouraged and helped him. He offers thanks to Celeste Byrd and Eternal Lost Lurker for pre-reading this chapter. And he offers thanks to... Me? (smiles) For supporting this idea. Finally, he once again asks for C&C; MST reviews especially welcomed.

Next time on Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Avalanche... He doesn't have any ideas whatsoever? *sigh* How typical of him..... (turns around to see Cloud still hacking on Vee) Well, looks like it won't be coming out anytime soon... But who knows? (turns back toward the camera) Bug him with enough e-mails and maybe it will come out faster.

(Suddenly seven people appear on the teleportation pad. They are recognizable as the Chrono Trigger cast.)

Crono: (points at Sawako) There she is!

Frog: Let's get her!

Magus: You will pay for humiliating me!

Sawako: Eep! It's them again!

(Sawako starts running away, CT cast chasing after her. They run past Cloud, who is STILL hacking on Vee.)

That's it! There's no more to see! Now get to e-mailing comments!

VGAP <vg_ap@hotmail.com>
homepage URL: http://www.fortunecity.com/marina/thunder/181/index.html
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