Fatal Fury: Densetsu Dynamite X (Part 1)
note to fellow "raac-ers": Greetings, mina-san! I hope you enjoy this non-Ranma/SM/UY/DBZ/etc. fanfic.
Feedback, even if it's very short, would be appreciated. I'm not sure how well received my "toungue-in-cheek" style will be. The reason I ask is that my other 'fics, "Ranma Meets Lord of the Flies" and "Commander Barnes" are written in a similar fashion as this. Neither of those stories have been posted, yet. In either case, you should get more of a variety when/if I finish my Giant Robo story.
As for the title, "DENSETSU DYNAMITE X, PATO 1," my reasoning behind it is this: the original title of "Fatal Fury" was "Garou Densetsu." I can't recall what "garou" means, but "densetsu" translates as "legend." "Dynamite" apperently carries a similar connotation as "Super" in Japan. I just thought that was funny ;) "X" is an arbitrary number to indicate that the story is apocryphal, but may continue. I apologize to any CLAMP fans whom I may have disapointed. The kana for "part" is "pato," so I thought I'd use this to "stray from the crowd" in the 'fics title.
Enough chit chat. Ikuze!!!
Densetsu Dynamite X (Part One)
by John "Atmavictu" Chambers
It was a rather humid night in the Osakan hospital. Cars and the occasional ambulance whizzed by, making white and red streaks of light against the hospital wall. A patient in the hospital looked out the window. I was in one of those ambulances, he thought. Only I don't remember. A purple haired guy kicked me in the balls, and I eventually wake up here.
Cheng Sin Zan, the treasure hunter and would-be treasure FINDER was in his hospital bed eating green Jell-o as he looked through that window. Since he was so obese, Cheng had to eat low-fat green Jell-o, too. Since the other food wasn't so great in the hospital, anyway, he continued to eat.
Suddenly, a person appeared through the window. It was way past the visiting hours, too. "It's the same person I saw before! Only I don't think it's a person dad; now I think it's a women." "Where did that come from, Cheng? That was so random!" The man who spoke had a strong East London accent. As he climbed through the window, Cheng saw the cudgel that he carried.
"Billy!" cried Cheng. Immediately, he covered his mouth and Billy hid be hind Cheng's bed.
A nurse opened the door and peeked his head in. "Are you alright, sir?" Cheng wasn't sure what to say, so Billy cut in, still behind the bed. "Go run into an Overfiend, R.N. Even if you are a male!" The nurse just rolled his eyes and closed the door. "Him and his random comments," he muttered unprofessionally under his breath.
Billy was surprised. He was prepared to fight his way out of the hospital or jump out the window. Cheng must've been having delusions all the time after his accident, thought the Cockney-bred man. Out of potential danger, Billy stood back up.
"Good to see ya,' Billy Kane." Cheng said in a lower voice this time. "As is it ta' you," replied Billy. "By the way, are you psyched up after the accident or something?"
"Well..." said Cheng. "I now have something like Tourette Syndrome since that bastard screwed with my brain!"
"What bastard? I heard you were made into a cyborg or something or another..."
"Tommy, are you ready to wear the patch of liberty?"
Billy slapped Cheng hard across the head with his stick. Then Cheng told his story about his run-thru with a young Canadian, and how he was made into some cybernetic slave. About two months ago, he was searching for an ancient armor piece in Egypt, near Alexandria. The day he found the artifact, his expedition was attacked without warning and his camp was blown up. The most humiliating part for Cheng was describing the assailants, themselves: a guy who looked like a Rhodos Island cave painting, a wanna-be of Vega (Balrog in Japan) and an anatomically incorrect prostitute.
"So Percival, Brian and the gang're all dead, ah?"
"I am the last surviving member of my expedition."
Cheng then relayed about how he was turned into a cyborg, whose ass was kicked by the Tai Kwon Do champion, Kim Kaphwan. Eventually, Billy lost interest and left Cheng, who continued his story all night.
"Eh, boss." Billy called to his boss, Geese Howard.
"What is it now, Billy? You should stop interrupting my training!" Geese had a very deep voice, inherited from his maternal grandfather, Ward.
"Sorry, sah. But I found another piece of info that might interest you."
"The LAST `piece of interest' was a Chia Pet! Now WHAT?!"
"Well, that Chia Pet... er---- AARRHHGHHHH!!!" Geese knocked Billy to the ground with a Triple Kick. Then, Geese turned his back to Billy and called, "Reppuken" in an almost bored tone of voice. Billy was blown five feet into the air by the ki blast from the ground. As a result, he needed a chiropractor really bad!
"How dare you bother me with these trivialities!"
"..sorry sah...." Billy said pathetically.
Just before Geese left the room, he turned his head and said in a Canadian accent, "When I collect all the armoUr of Mars, I'LL become a GOD!" Billy stood up, "Uncanny, sah! I was about to tell you about the armor of Mars!"
"Really?" Geese replied. "Well, I don't care. I fight like a hundred CRAZY gods!" Then, he did The Evil Laugh.
Somewhere in Ottawa, Terry, Andy, Mai and Joe made a little memorial for Culia Gadameus and her brother.
While everyone else was mourning, Joe was in a surprisingly good mood.
"It's all my fault..." Terry said.
"What? Is this that `Terry Bogard Curse' thing?"
"I don't know what it is Joe, but when a girl falls in love with me, they die." Terry was almost in tears.
"Well, Terry. I suspected that Culia'd get whacked eventually, anyways! Think about it. A psycho girl crashes into MY victory party, doesn't eat any weanies. That would lead to a detrimental lack of protein. THEN, in Turkey, she asks about `the girl in the picture.' If you didn't kill her then, a crappy plot device would."
"Your logic is flawed, Joe. Besides, I never paid Lily her twenty dollars."
"Ya' screw a whore and stiff her. No wonder her ghost keeps coming after you." Terry took Joe's cynical attitude in stride. "I never did anything like that to her, Joe. Even if she was a..... an exploited person."
"Hey, I'm WITH girls all the time, and none of them have died. If they do, it's completely unrelated to me."
"Well, Joe. You spent the night with them. I merely loved Lily and Culia with all my heart. (sniff)"
Joe was surprised at this. "So, you didn't do it with Culia, either?" "Please keep it down, you guys. We're honoring the dead here!" Despite her good intentions, no one paid attention to Mai's scolding.
Meanwhile, Terry was extremely annoyed at Joe's question. "Now you're getting too PERSONAL!" Everybody paused- even Joe. "Besides, I'm saving my virginity for Andy." Everyone collapsed in an anime-esque moment- even the Gadameus' gravest ones. Realizing that the tense mood was ruined, Terry tried to regain his dignity.
"Well, uh. That was my impersonation of Mai. Heh heh."
"Sorry, Terry." Mai half-heartedly consoled. "I `never let a boy sleep with me since I was in pre-school.'"
Then, she did a dorky laugh like that in her gratuitous shower scene. Wanting to take out his frustrations, Terry tried to hit Joe with his Burn Knuckle. However, Joe ducked and hit Terry with a two-hit Tiger Kick. When Joe's tiger-shaped ki-blast hit Terry, he fell to the ground a couldn't move.
"Sorry, man." Joe said. "That `Main-Character-Always-Wins' Complex doesn't work on me."
Terry didn't respond.
Geese Howard, Billy Kane, Ripper and Hopper were in Montreal, recovering from jet lag.
"If you don't mind me asking, sir," Ripper said finally. "Why were you practicing a Canadian accent?"
"I'm not quite sure myself," replied Geese. "But I do love Canada anyway."
"Oh, yaaah!" Billy cut in childishly. "I love Niagara Falls! Can we go on the New York side?"
Suddenly, Geese jumped ten feet into the air and said something along the lines of "Shippu..." Before Billy realized it, he was on the ground and his face was stinging very bad. Geese landed on the ground.
"...ken! You lack taste, Billy."
"Y-yes sah...." Billy then fainted from being hit by Geese's powerful ariel projectile.
Ignoring Billy, Geese turned toward the street and yelled, "Just you wait, Terry!"
A woman on the street suddenly screamed and ran away.
"Oh." Hopper said. "She must've been named Terri; I forgot that name was unisex ever since that Bogard kid came by."
"That makes me wonder, boss," the more inquisitive Ripper asked. "Is `Geese' unisex too?"
"This place seems crowded enough. Let me check." Then Geese yelled, "Come here, Geese!"
Then, a flock of Canadian geese came, not hesitating to relieve themselves on Mr. Howard's party.
"Ahhh!" Geese screamed. "Just you wait, Terry!"
Terry sneezed. At the moment, he was resting in bed. Next to him was Andy, who had some experience in first aid. He put a wet washcloth on Terry's forehead and sighed.
"I TOLD Joe not to knock you into the river. He should've waited for you to regain consciousness before beating the living crap out of you!"
"Andy.." Terry said rather pathetically. "About what I said about you earlier, about...."
"Oh, that's okay!" Andy did the "it's nothing" gesture with his hand.
"I don't mind!"
Terry was pretty surprised. He had spent three hours in bed thinking up and excuse and Andy DOESN'T MIND?
It's a good thing, Terry thought, that I never even wanted to! Freudian slips can be so cruel. Now, if only he could give Lily her twenty dollars....
Outside the little Canadian cottage that the four of them had rented, Mai was Independent Duel-Suspension Ninja Girl Training on a pair of logs. Nearby, Joe was Mue Thai Training on a broken Street Fighter I machine they found in Toronto.
"Jaguar Kick THIS, Adon! MwaHHH!!" Crash. Despite Joe's repeated attacks the machine itself didn't have a dent. Joe even commented: "Wow! If this game were as well programmed as well as the machine itself was built, Capcom wouldn't have needed those endless SF II upgrades."
Taking the cue from Joe, Mai took a break from her training. "Hey, Joe," she called.
"Yeah?"
"Is Terry's curse hereditary? I mean, if any girl falls in love with Terry, they're toast. Will the same thing happen to me because I like his brother?"
"Too soon to tell," Joe said after thinking a while. "After all, I don't know what happened with Terry's ancestors, since Jeff wasn't even their real dad.. Speaking of which, you don't know how genetically healthy Andy is." Mai was indignant from Joe's last sentence. "Of course he's healthy, Joe."
"I'm talking about his DNA, Mai. I'd worry more about his genes than his brother's imaginary curse. Since we're not aware of his family history, we have no idea how unstable his DNA might be!"
"So what you're saying," continued Mai. "Is that he will become a Mega-Playboy and have 100 children?"
"No, I don't think you'll have to worry..."
Mai sighed in relief. Then, he won't be unfaithful, Mai thought.
"... unless men can have children."
Mai Swan-Dived into Joe slapped him around with a Kasho-sen fan. Before Mai could slap Joe a second time, he caught the fan and snapped it in two.
"Look, Mai. I'm not joking. Homosexuality aside, I don't think its safe to reproduce with Andy. He and Terry may have been the result of incest or something."
"But I'm Asian and he's a Caucasian, Joe." Mai cut in. "I'm completely unrelated to him by blood. That way, our children would have a healthy mix of genes."
"Maybe a mix," Joe contemplated this for a moment. "But not necessarily healthy. Do you remember Andy's hair, Mai? When was the first time you saw Andy?"
Mai thought for a while, then she was filled with childhood nostalgia upon remembering the first day she met Andy. "I couldn't throw my fan very far and the boys laughed at me. Even you did, Joe."
Joe blushed slightly, for he remembered that day as well. After she had left, Andy and Mai's grandfather, Hanzo, pummeled all the kids in the dojo for being rude to Mai. Joe's color flushed back when Mai continued.
"He was so cute, his shiny silver hair reflecting the sunlight. He was so strong and kakoii, even at age seven!"
"Now, Mai," Joe interrupted. "About his hair... in the hotel in Baghdad, when you and Andy were alone in one room, what did you dream about?"
Mai voluntarily coughed. "Well, since Andy was rather... shy, we slept separately. Of course I had a dream about Andy. Since you want to know about his hair in the dream, I was running it down with my fingers. It was so soft and golden..." Mai paused. "Wait a minute, it's blond?!"
"You see?" Joe asked rhetorically. "Between the death of Geese and Terry's defeat by Krauser, Andy's hair color changed for no reason. It did that in less than one year, dammit!" That is pretty random, Mai thought.
"So you see, Mai? Andy probably has radiation poisoning or something alo ng those lines. You can't trust him enough to have children! What would happen to your uter- AHH!"
Mai hit Joe with a Ryu-En-Bu and crossed her legs. "Wouldn't you like to know?"
"Bite me, Mai." After saying this, Joe went into the cottage for a Band-Aid.
In a deluxe hotel room, Geese's servants were attending to him. All except the unconscious Billy, who was currently on a bed with a plastic pillow.
"Ow, Hopper! Don't trim my toenails so damn short!"
"Sorry sir."
Now that Geese was in a good mood, Ripper asked a few questions. Geese only paid attention to one: "Why look for the Bogards in Canada?"
"Because," Geese finally answered, "They'd be too hard to spot in San Francisco."
"Oh."
Just then, everyone in San Francisco (whom Geese was referring to) sneezed. Many of the discos in the city were covered in snot.
After Terry recovered, he fought Andy again. Without any difficulty, Terry managed to defeat Andy- again.
"Uh. I lost." Whenever Andy lost a fight, he'd always say something corny like that. Terry did a specialty Crack Shot just to nail the earth-bound Andy.
"Of course you lost, moron! Why else would you be laying on the ground like that? `You neutralized my Death Blast.' `That's right.' `Damn you.' That's the sort of dialogue you specialize in."
"Come off it, Terry. You're comparing me to a freakin' Streamline release!"
"Okay, then. How's about THIS one? `Ugh. Terry. Let's fight. Now. I'll beat you. Then I'll learn the secrets of Hakyokusaken and avenge father.' You see, Andy? That was corny. And you didn't even use any grammatically correct sentences."
"Look who's talking, redneck. By the way, how DID you kill Geese?"
"I used my then-new deux es machina technique to blow him away. I don't see how that alone would kill him, but the fishies were eating him, so he HAD to be dead."
"Uh. I see."
Geese and the gang arrived at Michael Max Outdoors. Billy was as conscious as ever, while Hopper and Ripper were as bit-player as ever. Geese noticed that Michael was talking into a phone that wasn't even hooked up. He's just trying to look busy, thought Geese. What a dumbass that Michael could be.
Michael was a Balrog (M. Bison)-like boxer who had all the intelligence of a rutabaga. When he realized that he sucked at fighting, he trained very hard under Geese Howard. A few months later, he used his new-found skill to beat up a few mounties. Thus, he was able to steal land from the Canadian government and set up his own campground.
Surprisingly enough, Michael did an excellent job at maintaining the park. SO good in fact, that the ghost of several dead presidents (led by Teddy Roosevelt) supported him. When the Canadian government tried to force Michael to pay for the land that he stole, Calvin Coolridge killed all of the revenue collectors while they were in the bathroom. It was cheap, but gave everyone else a share of Coolridge's lack of dignity.
Michael didn't profit very much, because only four people rented his land that month. When he saw Geese walk in, he hung up the phone (not like he was talking to anyone) and was confidant that this was his lucky day. Unfortunately, Geese just wanted to "see" the four current residents on his land. They won't be paying me next month, thought Michael. When Geese walked out the door, he sighed in depression.
Terry, Mai and Joe were jamming to Terry's "Fatal Fury Special CD (Image Album, part 2)," while Andy sat in the corner and considered joining the Christian Coalition. Just as Track 8 ended, they heard a knock on the door.
"Oh, Jesus!" Joe exclaimed. "It must be more of those Disney spies."
"Go scare them off, Andy." Terry suggested with a rather sly twinkle in his eye.
"Okee-dokey," and Andy ran up to the door. Just as he answered it, he closed his eyes and voluntarily fell into the arms of the interloper. "Take me!" Andy said this with his patented, just-for-emergencies, over-exaggerated lisp.
"Your father's death scarred you more than I thought."
Terry and crew looked to the door and spotted: a quasi-romantic scene of Geese Howard holding Andy. Geese chuckled. Mai got pissed.
Andy, of course, was indignant. "Oh, you PERVERT!" He yelled and slapped Geese across the face. Then, he jumped out of Geese's arms, and three back flips, and went into his battle pose from the other end of the room.
"Gee," Geese said, rubbing his face. "A REAL man would have just punched me. Even Akane would have." He ignored the fact that Akane isn't even male in the first place.
This, of course, made Andy defensive. "Shut up! That slap worked on Hauer, so it's gonna work on YOU!"
"Hauer? Who the hell is Hauer?" Andy didn't really now how to describe him. Billy wanted to tell Geese that Hauer was "the one who controlled the winds" and that that information he tried to give Geese in the Fatal Fury movie wasn't so superfluous after all. But, Billy didn't want to hurt his back before fighting anyone.
"Anyway," Geese cut in, neither giving Andy or Billy the chance to say anything. "I'm here to reduce you," he pointed at Terry, "Into just another redneck with a baseball cap." He pointed at Joe, "And you into just another guy wearing yellow boxers."
"What about me?" Mai asked sarcastically.
"Uh....." Geese had a hard time thinking of something. "You're... you're... your boobs are anatomically incorrect."
"Huh?" Mai looked down. "They SEEM to be in the right place." Of course, if this were a lemon fanfic (or Plastic Little), she would've gone further in verifying this.
"No! No! They're too big! Too much of a good thing is TOO much!" Mai raised her fan, ready to throw it at Geese, and paused. "How should I take that?" She asked Andy.
"I don't know; I'm just an `Independent Duel-Suspension...' uh... ."
"Gay Boy?" Geese said, running up to Andy's face. "YES! That describes you PERFECTLY! You... Independence.. Single.. Suspension..." Geese stopped momentarily. "How does that go again?" Andy just slapped him. Now, Geese has TWO pink slap marks on his face in stead of ONE! They would be in contrast to his other, cool-looking battle scars.
Geese just sat on the floor, tapping his finger. He finally got up, his ki burning around him. And he muttered, "YOU..............." Terry and the group were becoming intimidated that this ki-based laser show.
"YOUuuuu...." Geese continued. "YOU... you know? This place is awfully boring!" Everyone in that vicinity collapsed. You'd think that they would get used to it after so many dramatic moments being spoiled.
Terry them got up and made a suggestion: "So, if you're bored, should we just fight?" Geese walked over to Terry and put his hand on Terry's shoulder. "Thank you, my honkey brother."
"What?" Terry inquired. "That would be very offensive to anyone growing up in the seventies, blah blah blah..."
"SHUT UP! I'm middle-aged, so of COURSE I would know that. Besides, it's so meaningless now..."
After a few hours, the goodies and the baddies decided on "who would fight who." Terry, the Main Protagonist, would fight Geese, the Main Villain. Joe and Billy would fight each other, since Billy still holds his grudge from the first Fatal Fury TV special. Joe and Mai would sit on their heinies because Geese didn't bring any other evil henchmen with him (except for Ripper and Hopper, but what good are they?).
"Fight it out!" Laocorn's memorial stone was pretty noticeable with its Canadian accent. However, none of them had ever played Ogre Battle, so they didn't get it.
Gee, the story from now on should be pretty straight forward, huh? Maybe not.
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zya i a n to l/ro bo
GIANT ROBO- THE ANIMATION
brought to you by the letter "Z" for "Zangetsu"
["I agree with him! Jujoji is right!"
(I'll say! Both of you guys had a similar fate, too.)]
and Atmavictu, "The Breath of Life."
