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CLiT #10: She Rides!
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\ | | | [DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?!?]
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__ P [RELEASED THE DAY AFTER GOOD FRIDAY 2001]
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-> K e | * this is * | ...episode 10...
K + S .*. `----. .----'
-> K + c *i* | C |
K + r `*' | L | _She Rides!_
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\\ /| a | T |
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`~' HatesASCiiArt
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/| ^ ^ ^ [http://thepleasurezine.cjb.net]
/ | | | [clit@hobbiton.org]
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"THANK YOU FOR DESTROYING MY LIFE"
<AlterEcho>
So, welcome to issue number ten of CLiT. This, my friends, should be a time
rejoicing and drunken revelry. But no. My glee at reaching this milestone has
been stolen, by a group of dickless wonders. I refer, of course, to the
Essendon Football Club. EFC. Efeminate Fucking Cunts.
For all you non-Australians (ie; Americans), Australian Rules Football is
perhaps the greatest of all team games, involving the kicking around of an
inflated animal bladder on a grassy surface. Fantastic stuff. Unfortunately,
teams like Essendon destroy this game, by being a bunch of Mongolian
fish-fuckers. Frankly, I have nothing against Mongolians, but I cannot stand
Essendon. I hate them more than Manchester United. I despise them more than
Australias four major banks. I detest them even more than all my bad hair
days. And I even loathe them more than you, my American friend.
Let me give you a quick rundown on some of the reasons why.
1. Their fans have less intelligence than half a P.E. teacher. That is to
say, a solitary Essendon supporter has the brains of less than a quarter of a
glass of water. There certainly are lots of the smug gits, but they don't
actually seem to possess any knowledge about football! Motherfucking arrogant
shmucks - I wish they'd all get shot in the kneecaps and roll around in the
streets in agony until they die of immense pain. And I don't say this
lightly. Most of my friends are Essendon supporters. My best friend is an
Essendon supporter. And every time we talk about football, I realise what an
asshole he is. What a bunch of smug gits.
2. Their coach is a twerp. Everytime he opens his mouth, I cringe. This twit
should definitely have run for parliament. Or auditioned to be Moonface in
Enid Blyton's 'The Faraway Tree'. For a coach who has been around for such a
long time, he has no grip on the rules of football. Or on reality. Fuck I
hate Essendon.
3. The entire team is gay. I have nothing against homosexuals. My father is
gay, yada yada. But I mean, come on! How is the opposition supposed to
concentrate on playing football when the Essendon team comes out with cum
stains on their uniforms and panting after an orgy in their dressing rooms.
Their star player, Matthew 'Damn I Wish I Was As Cool As AlterEcho' Lloyd
gives so many blow jobs, his mouth is permanently open. If only he had his
own penis!
4. They cheat. In building their current team, they breached the salary cap.
Do you know what this means? I do! It means the Essendon Football Club are a
bunch of moronic, cheating fuckwits! And if you don't see it, that probably
makes you one too.
5. They don't play football. Essendon have invented their own little game,
which they have convinced the umpires to go along with. No doubt they offered
them all sorts of perverted sexual favours. Essendon players are permitted to
abuse, strike, concuss and anything else they please to the opposing team.
Free kicks are awarded not according to the rules, but according to what
colour guernsey you happen to be wearing. God help you if you're not wearing
the devil's black and red. And that's just not cricket. It's not even
football, assface.
OK, so Essendon just beat my Kangaroos. Big deal. We were fielding our second
team, and you dumb fucks were fielding an extra three players, all dressed in
white. One might almost think they were umpires! Until they blew their
whistles that is. And I'm guessing that's not all that got blown. Scum.
So fuck Essendon. Fuck their stupid pieces of shit fans. Fuck the world. And
hey, buddy. FUCK YOU.
=== ===
"I FUCKING QUIT"
<Asadersialle>
After much indecision I've decided to hand in my official resignation (which
I was forced to write), so it could be announced to our many followers. I
know that may will be upset, etc etc, but please don't cry for me as I have
gone onto higher things. My time doesn't allow for writing due to my many
other commitments (or lack of commitment). However I will remain an avid
reader, and will become one of you, the common people, who hang onto every
word uttered (written) in this fabulous e-zine.
=== ===
"INTERVIEW WITH A FUCKFACE"
<AlterEcho / PipeScream>
As this is CLiT's first double digit release, I decided it was necessary for
me to come up with a theme for this issue. Realising that in ten issues,
little or nothing was mentioned about the background of the CLiT Cr00, I
decided we'd screw up your perceptions of us further with some crazy shit
that is just really boring and unnecessary. For example, this interview I
conducted with PipeScream.
++-- interview begins at 2030 hours --++
<AE> Firstly, why does your name start with 'P' when everyone else's start
with 'A'?
<PS> I'm a non-conformist.
<AE> You mean you're a fucking retard, don't you?
<PS> <See above>
<AE> Why didn't you feature in CLiT 5?
<PS> Writer's block.
<AE> That's a bit of a copout. The real reason is that you're a social misfit
that noone likes, isn't it??
<PS> ...
<AE> okayyy..
<AE> What the fuck do you have against socialism, you motherfucking fascist
dickface?
<PS> It doesn't work. You only need a few brain cells to figure that one out.
Oh, of course, silly me.
<AE> That's a bad path to go down, obviously.
<AE> Writing for CLiT is the only worthy thing you've ever done in your life,
isn't it? Do you aspire to be like me?
<PS> It isn't. And the last person I'd want to be like is you.
<AE> It doesn't get much better that this though, does it?
<AE> ...
<AE> These questions really piss you off, don't they? Suck crap.
<PS> Yep.
<AE> Hmm, okay.
<AE> If you could have sex with one member of the CLiT crew, who would you
choose?
<AE> You'd choose me, wouldn't you, you little poojabber, coz I'm just so
damn sexy.
<PS> Eh?
++-- interview terminated at 2049 hours --++
God, what an immature little asshole.
=== ===
"I'M JUST SOOO ELOQUENT"
<Aerialisticish>
Dear Asadersialle, what is there to be said?
There's just one statement that sums it up really:
I wish my room smelt more like you.
Romantic looneys are the scariest, aren't they...
now hurry up and get back from holidays, dammit!
=== ===
"DEAR PIPESCREAM"
<AlkalineAngel>
[NB. PS recently got into the same University that AlkalineAngel and I go to.
He decided that he'd study the same course that Double A was doing. Silly
PipeScream. -AE]
Dear PipeScream,
I think you're making the biggest mistake of your life for a few reasons:
1) Engineering (Mechatronics) / Computer Science => the name already looks
complicated, the course has definitely got to be harder.
Now let's break this up:
2) Engineering => this tends to mean the girl:guy ratio is nearly
non-existant - of which girls fill up the non existing section. For guys
(unless you're gay) this isn't too good.
3) Mech => mechanical enginnering. Not ony is the faculty one of the oldest
in the university, it is also the most likely to collapse as it was most
likely build by an engineer. The floors are soft, the fire hydrogens are
chained to the walls, the walls have cracks on them and the lecturers teach
you how to draw a striaght line without a ruler.
4) Atronics => electronic componenet of the degree. Not only do the lecturers
in this subject change identity and sexes without any warning during the
course of the subject, they also have a PhD in mumbling and are highly
lacking in microphone using techniques.
5) / => this denotes a double degree meaning this will eliminate five years
of your life and most probably six if you plan to fail a semester or two.
6) Computer Science => This is sort of a bonus degree that you get free of
charge as it would look dodgy to give you two enginnering degrees. Plus this
is where the infamous Comp Fund A and B come from. If you fail Comp Fund A
don't worry! You're bound to catch up as your fellow students who passed are
most likely to fail Comp Fund B.
Yeah, so PipeScream, this is bad. And you know what? You're stuck with it. If
you find it hard and want to transfer to Arts or something well you better
get that 75% average in Mechatronics to transfer out. (And you're like: "If I
could get a 75% average why the fuck would i want to transfer out anyway?")
So welcome to the biggest mistake of your life!
Love,
AlkalineAngel
=== ===
"THE CLiT RUMOUR PHILE"
<The CLiT Cr00>
* No-one reads CLiT.
* PipeScream and AlterEcho are brothers.
* AlkalineAngel hasn't eaten in three weeks.
* Aerialisticish is bonking Asadersialle.
* The above rumour has caused Asadersialle to throw a tantrum and leave CLiT,
demanding excessive renumeration.
* PipeScream turned 18 years old on April Fools Day.
* AlkalineAngel is a genius.
* Aerialisticish is a gossip-whore.
* Alterecho is paranoid-delusional. Very delusional.
* We all live in a yellow submarine.
* The yellow sub is actually red and is a commie conspiracy concocted by
Alterecho
* Aerialisticish has got the hang of this, we're all doomed.
* Aerialisticish really is insane - LIEK REALLY OMG!
* Last Sunday was Comp Fund Sunday.
* AlkalineAngel is turned on by really large afros.
* I LOVE YOU!#
=== ===
"GET A TROMBONE UP YA"
<PipeScream>
All brass players are losers. Proof can be shown if required. And, since
Aerialisticish is a brass player, that makes him a loser too. I might bash my
instrument, but spitting at it takes the proverbial cake.
Case closed.
=== ===
"EEK, MOTHERFUCKER"
<AlterEcho>
Are we all having fun yet?? I know I am. And really, that's all that's
important. Right now I'm going to tell you all about my friend AlkalineAngel.
And you're going to shut up and listen.
I used to be pretty fond of old Double A. She's friendly, funny, smart and
lots of fun. She's also insane. Very insane. If I could be bothered, I'd tell
you all about her crazy, crazy antics, but frankly, you're not worth my time.
We first met during our job training, and she reappeared at uni during an
introductory engineering lecture. So she's my Daimaru buddy, my University
buddy, my engineering buddy, my online buddy, and she's also my curry buddy.
And if you don't understand, I don't care. You're an idiot.
But all respect has been lost. Gone. Just like that. Pffft. It recently came
to my attention, that yes, AlkalineAngel is an Essendon supporter. I mean,
how am I supposed to have any respect for someone like that?? The other day,
I passed through Kensington station, and as the train stopped, I noticed a
'lady' on another platform wearing an Essendon beanie. She was slowly and
quite methodically picking her nose, then concentrating hard on extending her
tongue and placing her findings there. A little chew, a little swallow, and
the forefinger is back in it's moist nasal surroundings. This crazy old bat
was no doubt the creme de la creme (sans acute accents, sorry) of Essendon
supporters. How can I be friends with a person (and I use the word person in
the broadest possible sense when talking about Essendon fans) who may one day
turn out like that? Or, worse, may even be a closet snot-eater?? Alas, there
seems only one possible alternative for me to choose.
Thus, my dear Angel, you may consider our friendship terminated. Just to show
you how nice I am, though, I'll still let you write for CliT. Oh, and can I
still borrow that CD like you promised??
=== ===
"A PARTING SHOT"
Asadersialle
AlterEcho... what can I say? Well as some of you know he's the editor. He's
male and according to him... anything female swoons at his feet. I have yet
to witness this miracle but I'll let you make up your mind on that one. He is
one of the most charming people I know, but that's not saying much for my
social circle. However I will give him a good write up, as I will probably
meet him somewhere, sometime. Um OK... he's smartish... intelligent...
shrewd... etc etc. Perverted, obsessive, & has a fascination with girls about
ten years old... not that there's anything wrong with that. Oh yeah, another
favourite pastime is making up abominable descriptions about people, for
their staff profile.
THE END :)
=== ===
"INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE"
<AlterEcho / Aerialisticish>
Let us finish this fine issue with some witty dialogue between the
co-creators of The Pleasure Zine. Hence, without further ado, I present the
final CLiT Creation for the evening, An Interview With Aerialisticish (who is
a vampire thus the title of this piece)!
++-- interview begins at 0029 hours --++
<AE> so, anyway.
<AE> as co-creator of CLiT do you feel like you hold a lot of influence over
the zine?
<Aerial> some - its always been your project tho
<AE> does this bother you any?
<Aerial> does what bother me?
<AE> the fact that it's my little baby *stroke*stroke*
<AE> dammit that was not a paedophilic action
<Aerial> um ok, if you say it wasn't
<Aerial> no i don't mind at all, i don't like responsibility for anything
<AE> why are you such a lazy sonofabitch?
<AE> why do i always have to tell you when to write?
<Aerial> cos lazy works for me
<Aerial> cos it's easier that way, it all seems to come together ok
<AE> so you're happy with the first 6 issues?
<Aerial> yep
<AE> is it your greatest achievement to date? :)
<AE> which is your favourite issue?
<Aerial> i'd have to look thru em - gimme a sec
<AE> you don't know 'em off by heart??
<Aerial> like many things that aren't just numbers, they're all a bit of a
blur to me
<Aerial> #4?
<Aerial> nothin stands out as the absolute best tho
<AE> you mean they all suck?
<Aerial> nope
<AE> well i guess that's good to know
<AE> what do you think of the other writer-type objects?
<Aerial> oh they're cool too
<Aerial> i'm SURE i've seen the name alkaline angel somewhere b4 tho
<AE> you reckon?
<AE> how do you react to the theory that i am actually Asadersialle,
AlkalineAngel and PipeScream, thereby creating CLiT with you in order to
play with your mind?
<Aerial> i wouldn't be too suprised about alkaline or ps but i know who
asadersialle is
<Aerial> it wouldn't really bother me
<AE> is it true that AlkalineAngel is the secret lovechild you had with
Asadersialle?
<Aerial> only if i wake up right about... now
<Aerial> well, in that case, no
<AE> you mean that's your secret, crazy, erotic fantasy?
<Aerial> um no
<Aerial> just a random spinnoff
<AE> sure. i won't press this any further but you really have the hots for
Asadersialle, don't you?
<Aerial> what are you basing that on?
<AE> i'll take that as a yes.
<AE> so, moving right along, how would you feel about pimping Asadersialle
along the streets of St. Kilda?
<AE> And do you worry that CLiT's editor, aka moi, is a psychopathic
manicdepressive deranged idiot?
<Aerial> whatever pays the phonebill :)
<Aerial> you worry too much - that's my only complaint
<Aerial> you may be off your nut but ppl like that are just interesting and i
aspire to be one myself :)
<AE> you wanna be like me?
<AE> whoa
<AE> you are one twisted fuck, ain't ya?
<Aerial> or maybe a wannabe twisted fuck
<Aerial> nah i wanna be my own looney dammit!
<AE> take charge of your life!
<AE> i chose to take charge of something else. nevermind.
<AE> soooooo how long do you think it'll be before CLiT dies out, if ever?
<Aerial> what did you take charge of?
<Aerial> i've never been good with time - no idea
<AE> let's focus here.
<AE> :)
<AE> you, not me
<Aerial> ha ha
<AE> so where do you see CLiT going from here? a new name? what do you think
about the name? how would you feel about new staff? how would you feel
about a vasectomy? how do you feel about all these questions?
<Aerial> um forward
<Aerial> yeah but it's a bit late for that
<Aerial> you mean there's more nuts???
<Aerial> no thanks
<Aerial> i smell an interview edition
<AE> goddamn
<AE> you're so SMART
<AE> do you really think the name CLiT sucks? wouldn't you like to suck some
CLiTs?
<Aerial> did i smell right?
<Aerial> i've always said potential readers will be disappointed with the
lack of porn - but i dont care much beyond that
<AE> i have some pr0n in the works
<AE> that's another great sentence isn't it?
<AE> since you're being a biznatch, just a few (hundred) more questions
<AE> which is yoru favourite piece?
<Aerial> i think you wrote something vaguely insightful on the subject of
lamers in your rpgs don't remember the details tho
<AE> you like? what's with your space bar, ROFL
<Aerial> it's fuct again
<AE> it's funny
<AE> last question...
<Aerial> makes me sound like some sort of other worldly entity doesn't it?
<AE> not really
<AE> but will you have sex with me?
<Aerial> NO
<Aerial> that's the biggest fastest no you'll ever have typed at you
<AE> fuck you you frigid homophobe
++-- interview terminated at 0111 hours --++
NB. I really will say anything for a giggle. In fact, I will say just about
anything at all. My chemistry teacher always used to say "Engage brain before
opening mouth" but what would he know, anyway? Besides chemistry stuff.
Pffft.
=== ===
^you wouldn't even know me since you went away^
^the prozac doesn't do it for me anymore^
-Everclear-
=== ===
"TEN DOWN, LOTS TO GO"
<AlterEcho>
That's the first ten down. It might not seem like a lot to you, but it
doesn't seem like a lot to us either. Still, there's been some good moments
and some bad moments, some fun moments and some boring moments, but let's all
just thank God that all of those moments featured me.
So maybe Essendon won that round. (What, you thought I was over it, so soon?
Get a grip on reality, bitch.) We'll come back, harder than ever. And I'll be
back too. Right after I get my machete from my closet, catch a bus down to
Windy Hill, and knife all the motherfucking derelicts I find there.
Warning: My introduction contains explicit language, dipshit. And have a fun
Easter, motherfucker.
=== ===
CLiT 10: She Rides!
starred
Aerialisticish ............... Heath Ledger
Asadersialle ................ Kirsten Dunst
AlkalineAngel ...................... Brandy
PipeScream .............. Lawrence Fishburn
AlterEcho .................... Eddie Murphy
Filmed on location in Australia. (C) 2001 to CLiT. All rights reserved.
=== ===
