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CLiT #24: Back From the DEAD, Man...
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> f' /\ \ % ...Episode XXIV... <
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> - %l .%%~ -=============[ The Pleasure 'Zine ]==========- <
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"EDITORIAL" - by AlterEcho
Hey! Whoa! Check it out! It's like _CLiT_, man!
It sure has been a long time in between drinks, but here's hoping you haven't
forgotten about your favourite little zine-STARS. We sure never forgot about
you. Well, I didn't, anyway. I can't really speak for the rest of the Cr00.
And speaking of the Cr00, I reckon they've all been kidnapped by aliens or
something. I don't know where the all are. They're all slack, or busy, or
asleep, or maybe they just don't like me anymore.
*Sniffle*
Arianrhod is back, though, which is almost as good as seven sneezes. She's a
good 'un. Plus I had a piece by Aerialisticish sitting around. And hey, I'm
still here. I'm always here. I LIVE here.
You know what all that adds up to? We died, but now we've been resurrected.
Like zombies. The world just couldn't exist without us. Me. Us.
CLiT is BACK in BLACK. BACK WITH SMACK. We don't LACK ATTACK. Just don't KAK
your DAKS.
'Nuff said.
~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~
"C'EST LE TABLE DE CONTENTS"
{x} -=- "Editorial" -=- ........................................... AlterEcho
{x} -=- "Don't Touch my Stuff!" -=- ......................... Aerialistichish
{x} -=- "Money/Phoney" -=- ........................................ Arianrhod
{x} -=- "When I am Famous" -=- .................................... AlterEcho
~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~
"DON'T TOUCH MY STUFF!" - by Aerialisticish
Because of an upcoming English assignment (which is gay with a capital GAY),
I've been looking into our nation's self-defence laws, and I though you might
find it interesting to see how fucked up they are.
'Round here (Victoria, Australia) in the event of many violent acts - armed
robbery for example - if you use force to defend your property you will be
charged with assault. Yes, even if one of the members of the scum of this
earth walks into your Kwik-E-Mart with a balaclava and gun and you hit him
with a bsaeball bat, you're the offender and you'll be paying for his H for a
long while.
I don't know about other places, and how different it may be, but if you want
to have any chance in court afterwards you basically have to wait until that
shit starts breaking your merchandise or family before you rip into 'im.
Here's another intereting case: Someone kills your family, you knock him out
cold, and if you step on his neck you're the murderer.
Use a gun to defend yourself and you're totally screwed.
For those who still wanna hear what I think: I think if anyone breaks into
your home or shop you should be allowed to kill them. Yep, wipe them out
completely for they are USELESS and a burden on our taxes (Here in Australia
the unemployed are paid indefinitely - so don't bother with that `stealing a
loaf of bread to feed your family' crap).
People might say that makes you no better than them, but if you've got a
house and stuff worth stealing, you're already better than them and they are
the ones breaking into your house, which is the fundamental difference
between you and the 'tard you're eliminating.
Such a shame this'll never become reality, the world does not need those
people.
~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~
"MONEY/PHONEY" - by Arianrhod
I feel like a big phoney.
I live in an apartment in Swanston Street, Carlton, two blocks down from
Lygon Street, across the street from Melbourne University, a short tram ride
from Melbourne Central, and all the best that the city of Melbourne has to
offer.
I take dance classes, I own expensive dance shoes, I have a top of the range
laptop computer. I have a record player, a television set in my bedroom, and
a view from my bedroom window that many people would die for. I dance up
Grattan Street after my dance classes, with a discman plugged into my head.
My bedroom walls are crimson red, and I am soon getting a chandelier for the
roof. I have a wrought iron day bed, and I can snuggle up in said bed, and
run my life from there. It's all really good.
And yet I feel like a phoney. I don't own the apartment, the television, the
bed, the discman, or the chandelier. I only take one dance class a week,
because I can't afford to take more. I'm not studying, nor am I working.
Everything looks perfect on the surface, but if you scratch a little deeper,
it's really not perfect at all.
I go out and party every weekend with my friends, but I really can't afford
to.
Here's how much money I've got until I get paid on Friday 25th October:
$135.00
Here's how much money I owe before Friday 25th October:
$55.00 for jazz rehearsal fees.
$24.00 for two jazz classes, one this week and one next week.
$40.00 rent.
$40.00 for food.
$20.00 to go out for dinner on Friday 18th.
$12.00 for shampoo and conditioner, lest my hair become so greasy you could
fry a sausage in it.
And I have to buy Aerialisticish a birthday present on the 23rd.
Let's add all that up: $179.00
Does anyone else agree that I am in a bit of a predicament?
I guess the most important stuff is the way overdue jazz rehearsal fees, and
the rent. But I also need to eat, and I'm going out for dinner on Friday for
my birthday, and so I have to pay for that.
I'm sitting here in the State Library as we speak, worrying about money. If I
go and visit my Grandmother this weekend, chances are she'll give me money,
because it has just been my birthday, and she's probably got a cash-filled
card floating around her house. That may take a little of the pressure off.
It looks like I'm leading a great life. And that's how it seems to everyone
else. But really, I can't afford to keep living like this. It seems like I
have it good, cause I can just hoon down Swanston Street on the tram and be
right in the middle of Melbourne, but the temptation to spend money on things
I can't afford and don't need is great. I have very little self control, and
I really need to start budgeting. But money just burns a hole in my pocket.
Argh! Damn Aerialisticish and his damn birthday. This is all his fault.
~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~
"WHEN I AM FAMOUS" - by AlterEcho
With all of my many and varied talents, it appears that it is inevitable that
one day, mine shall be a household name. Boyish good looks, rapier-like wit,
a wickedly sharp sense of humour and an amazing right foot that makes David
Beckham seem like an under-19s benchwarmer in New Zealand - mate, I've got it
all.
Naturally, I would not be the type to merely bask in the adoration of my
millions (and millions!) of loyal and loving fans. I simply do not possess
that kind of ego. While the tabloids are filled with the boring drug-taking
exploits of slothful English princes (I'm above mentioning any names), I will
spend my time doing deeds to enhance the lives of ordinary, tax-paying
people.
These deeds shall be set out in a pamphlet, just in case any wannabes try to
steal my ideas. The pamphlet shall be entitled "Great Things AlterEcho Shall
Achieve", and will contain of the notions set out below, and many more.
When I am famous, I shall seek out and destroy all the evil dragons that
inhabit our fair earth. St. George has a reputation for being a true, honest
and brave dragon-slayer, but I believe that with my finely toned muscled,
highly developed reflexes, trusty samarai swords, and pet dog Fido, I can
surpass the legend of old Georgie. His story shall naturally be replaced
mine, a much more marketable tale, likely to be made into several movies.
Saint AlterEcho sounds quite good, no?
When I am famous, I shall steal from the rich and give to the poor. Yes, poor
people do exist. Trust me, I grew up in the western suburbs. My plan entails
the use of stealth and cat-like grace, and necessitates great courage. My
main targets will of course be people in the eastern suburbs who live in
their exclusive suburbs and people that the rest of Australian society should
be packed into trucks and sent to live in the scorching hot desert. Fuckers!
Some might say that I am nothing more than a modern day Robin Hood, but
naturally I am much, much more. Robin Hood was a top bloke, and tried his
best, but seriously, his name was Robin! And he wore tights! He hit people
with his big stick! That is all I have to say about that.
When I am famous, I shall ensure that my face appears on all notes and
coinage used, beginning in Australian and then moving to an international
level. Since I will be incredibly famous in such a diverse range of areas, I
will probably be the most important person ever, and it is my right to have
my face wherever I choose. You're probably about to accuse me of arrogance
and immaturity, but pray, stifle your sneers! I do this not for my own
satisfaction, but for the betterment of society. My image shall lift the
spirits of the weary and downtrodden and give billions of people a reason to
continue their dreary lives.
When I am famous, I plan to have vigorous affairs with many beautiful women.
Such an act may perceived as being generous and selfless, in that I would of
course be helping their careers and profiles immensely, but the truth of the
matter is, I'm just going to use them for their bodies.
Fame doesn't sit easily with everyone and indeed, my fame shall be my own
cross to bear. But I shall suffer it with a grin, for I know that my actions
as a famous person, nay, a famously famous person, shall be appreciated
throughout the world, and my name shall oft be spoken with a smile and a fond
memory.
~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~"~
..--------------------------------------------------------------------------.
:| (C) 2002 by CLiT || http://clit.freeshell.org || clit@sdf.lonestar.org |
:| Australian Owned & Made || Released 20.10.02 |
:`--------------------------------------------------------------------------'
:
: THEY WHO STAND UNDER THE CLiT FLAG OF PROCRASTINATION :-
:
: Aerialisticish :- Too lazy to stand under any flag, really ;
: Arianrhod :- Flying south, for summer and for good ;
: AlterEcho :- The ego lives on! ;
: et al!
:
: BRINGING YOU QUALITY TEXTFILES SINCE THE LAST MILLENIUM.
*
