BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL

The LAST Bastard Operator from HELL! I get back from Britian and return to my old stomping grounds to take up a post as an Analyst/Programmer... As an A/P I'm expected to work weird hours so I start putting in some 9 to 5 shifts to see what it's like. It's weird all right. I don't like it. I go to the computer room to check out my machine, only I'm not the Operator any more, so I've got no access. I call the Operator. He answers. Bad sign. "Can I get access to the Computer Room?" I ask, respectfully "Well..." he pauses ".. what do you want to do?" Indecisive. It gets worse! He should've come straight ou...

The Bastard Operator from Hell Still Birthing the Bastard Operator.. (Bored #3) So the second engineer rolls up, but the FedEx man has been and gone, so he misses out altogether. This guy's a techno, (you can tell by the tie) but he's smart (no grazes), so I'm going to have to be wary. "What's the problem?" he asks, in a business-like manner. "It's the Model Three" I say (what the hell, it worked before) "What the f*ck's a model three?" he asks confused. He could be just testing me, but I decide to come clean. He doesn't notice so I just walk funny for a couple of minutes and then show him the terminal that I&#...

THE BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #15 It's a warm afternoon in the computer room. I dunno, maybe I should turn the chillers back on, but what the hell, I've got a cold and I need to keep warm if I go into the machine room. I flip today's excuse card. Magnetic Interference from Money/Credit Cards. Hmmm, vague enough to be plausible. The phone rings "Hello, Computer Room" I say "Hi!" the caller says "I want to fit some RAM to my machine to upgrade the memory. I just bought some 4 meg chips off a guy in town and wanted to know if you guys would fit it." "Well," I say "normally we would, but today the technicians are busy trying ...

The Bastard Operator from Hell Rides Again. Don't ask how I got back, I just did. Suffice to say that work frowns upon management material that uses electrodes to gain client information. Especially when you do it to the boss's in-laws. That's his entertainment. So I'm back in the saddle. Unfortunately, that means there's a surplus of operators in the computer room. One slam of the tape safe door later, the problem is solved. The knocking dies down in a couple of hours, so I guess the safes really *are* airtight. To welcome myself back, I send a message out saying there's a shutdown in 10 minutes. 5 minutes later I...

BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #13 I'm busy with my new shell replacement login script, and it's almost foolproof. Let's just say it pops up with: "Yes means No and No means Yes. Delete all files [Y]? " upon login. I'm really starting to worry about the number of account breakins we've been having recently.... The manager isn't though. His main concern appears to be the number of computer-related fatalities on campus. Funny world, isn't it? I flip the excuse card. "DOPPLER EFFECT" Sounds implausible enough that it's plausable - with a little work of course. The phone, the bane of my existance, rings. "Hello, Co...

BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #12 I get to work and I'm a bit tired so I plug a thick hunk of copper across the three phase supply and throw the switch. The room is plunged into darkness as the circuit breakers trip and for once the machine room is silent. I like it. I pop the phone off the hook and close the curtains on the observation window. Now it's *really* dark in there. I wouldn't be surprised if someone had an accident in here.. I lift a couple of floor tiles up in the darkness and call our maintenance contractors saying the mini popped the breaker again, then replace the fuses in it with a couple of nails and short the p...

BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL LIVES! #11 The darkness cleared as we got out of the tunnel and it occurred to me that I couldn't be all that injured. Then again, maybe I was. Someone was going to p.. I died. Of course, a true BOFH considers this not really as dying, but more of going home for the holidays. Five seconds later, I'm getting the upside of 15Kv across the nipples. (These ambulance guys sure know how to party). BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL LIVES! Three weeks later I'm back on my backside and feeling rested at relaxed behind the console again. The rest has done me good, I feel *great!*. I catch up on everyone's email t...

BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #10 I get invited to a lecture as a guest speaker in "Computing Operations Fundamentals", so I leave the control room in the capable hands of Sam, the janitor and cruise on down. The lecture starts and goes ok, then there's a 10 minute period where students get to ask a "real operator" questions that they have about operations. I get out my pad and pen. "Before we get started" I say, "could you just call out your username before you ask me a question, I find it easier to apply your problem to terms you would understand better" The lecturer eats all this up - the personal touch really gets to them. "First Que...

BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #9 I'm driving to work and I'm stuck behind this old guy, the classic slow driver from hell, whose car red-lines at 20 mph and can't take corners at more than 5. I honk my horn but his hearing aid's probably turned way down to "whisper", so I'm stuck. I make a mental note of his license plate. In fact, I did that 60 times a minute for 15 and a half minutes. Oh dear.. oh dear.... Looks like another call to the DMV Database to register a vehicle as stolen by out of town arms dealers... I get to work, flick the excuse page over. "ELECTROMAGNETIC RADIATION FROM SATTELLITE DEBRIS". Fair enough, it...

BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL #8 I'm at my desk as usual, and a user calls. "Hello Computer Room, Simon here, How can I help" I answer "I can't get into my account!" A user mumbles at me. "What was your username please?" I say They give me their username. No worries. I look in their account. "No worries, it was just a badly made login file. I've fixed it, you should be able to login." "Thanks!" "No worries. Have a nice day!" WHAT IS THIS? you're asking yourself. Has the BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL turned over a new leaf? Sold out?! GONE INSANE?!!! Nope. The BASTARD OPERATOR FROM HELL is being logfiled. And if that's happen...