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Fucked Up College Kids File 412
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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Some Raindom Thoughts
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I was thinking tonight; thinking about this magazine...
I have been involved with F.U.C.K. for about four years now. I guess that
I consider myself old school like that, and I wanted to express some of
my experiences and reflections related to the magazine.
I wrote my first file for F.U.C.K. under a different nick when I was a
freshman in high school. My old BBS was one of the first F.U.C.K. distro
sites in 303. I was one of the first people in 303 who knew that DisordeR
was Dam. I have watched this mag grow and change over the last several
years. I don't take credit for any of that. I don't feel special because
I have been involved as much as I have. There are others who have a
deeper background in this zine than myself. That is not the point I want
to make. It's just some background that lets you know where I come from.
I remember chatting with Dis one night on my BBS. Back then, I didn't
know that he was Dam. All I knew was that he was connected to the zine in
some way. I had read several of the files and was very interested in the
mag and what it had to offer. I wanted to be involved, so I asked Dis if
my board could be a distro site. It was actually pretty amusing what took
place. I filled out the app and he told me that he was going to chat with
Dam on IRC and get back to me. Once of the pre-requisites to becoming a
distro site was to have read all the files and he asked me if I had. At
the time there were about 65 files released and I was reading them as we
chatted. I told him that I hadn't, that I was in the process of doing so,
and to "tell Dam that I had read them all". A few weeks later when I made
the Dam/Dis connection I felt like an idiot. It's a story that sticks out
in my mind to this day when I think about the early times.
I was captivated by several of the files that I read back then. Some
titles that stick out in my mind as influential are: "Some Wildly Obscure
Fiction", "Pity the Cynic", "Shock Value", and "Night Sounds". Some of
the early writers I can recall by memory are PsI, fastjack, Loki, Doc
Z., and Acid Warlock to name a few. Those files and authors helped to
build the foundation that F.U.C.K. has been building on for the past
several years. Beyond that, they also make a personal impact on me, my
perceptions, and my thoughts.
I have seen how the face of F.U.C.K. has changed considerably since those
times. Files that are being released now have a totally different
direction and feel to them. Many times I have contemplated whether or not
this change is good, or if we are abandoning the foundation which has made
F.U.C.K. what it is. Even now I am not sure, and I believe that this file
is my own personal interrogation into that question.
I admit that I am "guilty" of contributing to what people perceive
F.U.C.K. as today. I have released my own score of files on
relationships. I have used this zine as an outlet of my own angst, and
cannot and will not apologize for that. However, I do feel that we, the
writers for F.U.C.K., need to evaluate for our selves whether or not we
are keeping the spirit of F.U.C.K. alive.
F.U.C.K. has changed. I have changed. The world has changed. But when I
looked at it closely I have discovered that not much is different. While
I have a completely different outlook on life than I did back in those
days, I can still find my true self. I am still me. I am still a cynic.
I still hate 90% of this world. I still have the anger and rage that I
have always had. There are still things in this world that make me want
to spit in a blind fury. I am still as passionate about my beliefs as I
used to be. I still have things that I love. I am still searching my
soul to define my own existence. None of that has changed. I am still as
dysfunctional and broken as have been for the last 8 years. Who I am
hasn't changed, just the way I portray myself.
In the same manner, I think that this magazine is still itself. Even
though the face of F.U.C.K. is different, I feel that the writers still
hold a common bond with the authors of the past. I cannot restrict the
essence of what I feel F.U.C.K. is to mere words. You have to find and
understand that for yourself.
Now I find myself sitting in my dorm room... in college. I don't feel
that I have grown out of this magazine. I think that I have grown into
it. There is so much that I have yet to ponder and experience and I hope
that I will still be able to use this zine as a way to express myself to
the world.
I realize now who I really am.
I guess I am just a Fucked Up College Kid...
.: illusionary :. .: <illusion@cyberrock.com> :.
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