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Fucked Up College Kids File 276
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= F.U.C.K. - Fucked Up College Kids - Born Jan. 24th, 1993 - F.U.C.K. =
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A Femme's Philosophy
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Right now my best "frend" is over, pacing around the house talking to
=Stud o' The Week=, paying absolutely no attention to me AND using my
telephone line. Rushing over to ask me if I've read some book as a child
called _The Phantom Tollbooth_, because this guy thinks it's cool if she has.
Wellllll, she never read it, but I have, so I told her parts of the book
to convince him that she read it. hehe....
But anyway, that leaves me sitting here alone with abstract thoughts
flying around in my head. Thinking of how much I've changed lately, and
more particularly, in the past couple years. I think about it a lot. Do
you ever reminisce about the good old care-free days? When I was younger
I used to imagine myself as older, wonder what I'd be doing, as I sat in
the mud and made mud pies and weed bouquets for Barbie. I never had a
computer and I used to be normal. I guess I still am, to some extent.
Then again, it depends on your idea of "normal." Where did my mother go
wrong???
Anyway, here I am now. A cyberwhore (yep, I'm femme!) if nothing
else. OK, well maybe not, but do fall hard for guys who talk in 'codes'
instead of cheesy pick-up lines. =P I keep getting side-tracked..... Like
I was saying, I think about change.... I do a lot of things that people
normally wouldn't do (feel free to question me on that), take pretty much
any dare. But it's the way of thinking I've taken on; it's completely
different than it used to be. At times I feel so much more mature than
people my age.
I fear nothing; I like nightmares; I like to dominate. Control.
There is no such thing as control. There is no All-Powerful God who is
in control either. There are too many random acts of tragedy to put much
faith in that. Control is just some concept made up by humans. Much like
the idea of time, just something created....
I have a major trust problem. This is because damn near everybody
in my life that I put any faith into were "here today, gone tomorrow" types.
Who isn't..? I used to revolve my life around people and put everything I
had into 'frendships' and then one day...CRASH. I realized that not a soul
was around to hear me.. to care. I was really sad about it, I used to cry.
And then I hardened myself and quit crying too. Nothing really makes me
cry anymore. No shock value, I've seen it all. And in high skool I never
really talked to anybody, felt quite detached from them. I was smart, I got
good grades, but I was always picked on for keeping to myself. That never
really changed. But at least now I've learned to deal with it and be
self-sufficient. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of 'frends', but it
sucks because I can't trust a single one of them. Is pain so bad when one
believes in nothing? Take one pain-killer and call me in the morning.....
OK, time to wreak some havoc on the "frend" using up my phone line....
SkiNFloweR
skinflower@cyberjunkie.com
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