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anti-press ezine 2003 03 22
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< ANTI-PRESS EZINE #36 >
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"We're Positive About The Negative"
This E-dition filed 3/22/03.
(C) Copyright 2003 Anti-Press
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* Even A "C" Student Can Start World War III *
George Wardork Bush.
Now is that a nice thing to say about Our President?
You know those hippie protesters can be kinda mean at times. For shame.
And take those liberals who make fun of Our President when on rare occasions
he utters a verbal slip. For example, even though he was raised as a rich
kid, GWB said one time that he could identify with struggling, hard-working
families. He knew how hard it was "to put food on your family."
During a photo op with some school children he reflected on his mediocre
grades when he was a student. He said that his election proved that even a
C student could become President of the United States. Of course, the
liberal media made it seem that he was bragging or something.
More recently he made another minor slip, warning Saddam Hussein to "Disarm
or we will."
Gee, we should cut the guy some slack. Remember, he fought valiantly during
the Vietnam War and won a Purple Heart while some chicken hawks stayed at
home, "serving" their country in complete comfort with a stateside National
Guard unit. You know why GWB was awarded a Purple Heart? While fighting in
the bullet-riddled jungles, he was sideswiped in the head by a dud Vietcong
shell.
Now those mean liberals will say that Our President's apparent lack of
intelligence was caused by abusing alcohol, even cocaine. They will claim
his adult mentality dropped from a C to a D minus level from such abuse.
Now that kind of talk doesn't win wars. The trouble with most American
people is that they abuse the right of free speech by thinking too much, by
questioning authority. People should talk to God like GWB. After all, God
has all the answers. Unlike Allah.
* And Now The Quasi-Comedy Of Shock & Awe *
SHOCK: Good evening, ladies and bio-warfare germs. Man, is the world going
nuts or what? The latest events, I can't deal with them. For example, take
the war in Iraq -- please.
[RIMSHOT]
SHOCK: Hey, you know what the beatnik said about the war?
AWE: I dunno.
SHOCK: "It's in the bag, dad."
AWE: I see.
SHOCK: You know Our President of These United States said in a speech that
he has a great respect for the Iraqi people.
AWE: Really.
SHOCK: Yup. So far he's respected them with 1,500 bombs and missiles.
[RIMSHOT]
SHOCK: You know what an Iraqi child calls collateral damage?
AWE: I can't guess.
SHOCK: "Mother!"
AWE: Uh-huh.
SHOCK: Of course, here on the home front, we'll all worried about
terrorists. But don't worry, we got John Ashcroft as Attorney General.
He'll take care of any terrorists because he's a sharp cookie. Like there
was a semi-naked statue with a bare boob that he didn't like. That statue
would annoy him during press conferences at the Justice Department, standing
there in the background with her hooter hanging. So Ashcroft spent $8,000
of taxpayer money to put a curtain in front of that granite whore.
AWE: I see.
SHOCK: Yup. It was an act of statutory drape. Hey, they're not fooling
around with that Patriot Act. A father and his beatnik son were talking
about the new laws that take away some of our rights. The father asked what
happened to the U.S. Constitution. And you know what his beatnik son said?
AWE: Not really.
SHOCK: "It's in the body bag, Dad."
AWE: That's interesting.
SHOCK: You know, Awe, I know you're a straight man in this routine, but
can't you say more than a few indifferent words? I mean, all joking aside,
this situation raises some important issues. Aren't you angry? Don't you
want to express your true feelings?
AWE: I can't. I'm a Democrat.
[RIMSHOT]
* We Have Nothing To Fear But Stupidity Itself *
The story goes something like this:
A peacenik dons a gas mask and takes his coffin for a walk through
Plattsburgh, dragging it along with a rope leash. Now it's not a real
coffin, just a symbolic one, a rectangular cardboard box with DEMOCRACY
printed on its sides. The peacenik is protesting the U.S. invasion of Iraq.
So the peacenik stops off at the hippie food co-op, leaving his box outside
on the sidewalk. Uh-oh. The city police see the box and suspect the worse,
i.e. that bogeyman TERRORISM. An officer carefully examines the box,
pushing it with his foot.
Objectively speaking the box is harmless: it's empty. But subjectively it
can hold anything one's imagination can conjure up.
Behold the power of terrorism.
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NOTICE: Unless indicated otherwise, all articles by Anti-Press. Articles
submitted by others do not necessarily express or reflect the opinions or
beliefs of Anti-Press.
WHERE WE'RE AT: Anti-Press Ezine radiates from our Precision Reality Center.
We're presently entrapped in the alleged city of Plattsburgh, northeastern
New York State (NENYland), USA. (GWB: "First, we shock and awe the Iraqis.
Then we'll shuck and jive the rest of the world.")
EMAIL: Antipress1@aol.com
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