Jokes Part Two

@Enigmist

Published in

lol jokes

· 13 Oct 2019

SYSTEM PROBLEM REPORT

This is a form to make the reporting of problems consistent, allow records of problems to be kept, and a method of discouraging users from reporting faults in the first place.

*Your name? ___________________
*Your login name? ____________________
*The date? __/__/__
*The date the problem first occured if different? __/__/__
*Problem Severity:

Minor__ Minor__ Minor__ Minor__

*Which machine? ____________________
*Which area appears to be at fault?

Communications__ Disk__ Base Unit__
Network__ Keyboard__ Screen__
Mouse__ Everything__ Don't Know__

*Is it plugged in? Yes__ No__
*Is it switched on? Yes__ No__
*Has it been stolen? Yes__ No__
*Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__
*Have you made it worse? Yes__
*Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
*Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__
*Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? Yes__ No__
*Did you understand it? Yes__ No__
*If `Yes' then why can't you fix it yourself?
_____________________________________________________________
*Is the equipment unexpectedly noisy? Yes__ No__
*If `Yes' what sort of noise?

Grinding__ Rattling__
Whirring__ High pitched whine__
Sound of disk head scouring disk__
Strange, out of tune whistling or humming__

*Is there a smell of burning? Yes__ No__
*If `Yes' is the equipment on fire? Yes__ No__
*Is the fault repeatable? Yes__ No__
*What were you doing (with the equipment) at the time the fault occurred?
______________________________________________________
*If `nothing' explain why you were logged in.
_______________________________________________________________
*Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
*Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__
*Describe the problem.
_______________________________________________________________
*Now, describe the problem accurately.
_______________________________________________________________
*Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem.
_______________________________________________________________

_______________________________________________________________
*Can't you do something else, rather than bothering me? Yes__
No__

Sand:PC Drug of Choice

(Anonymous Press) In Washington today, members of the House Anti-Intelligence Committee proposed legislation outlawing the manufacture and sale of Sand.

Sand, known to experts as Random Access Memory or Megs is the first such "PC Drug" that has come under attack from the legislature.

Studies presented showed clearly that Sand has a narcotic effect on the PC, expanding its conciousness and allowing it to perform at a much higher capacity for a limited time. Over time, however, more and more Sand is needed if the PC is to maintain its ability to compete in the marketplace.

Skeptics argue that Sand is necessary as a treatment for a very common group of PC degenerative conditions which are known in the singular as an OS (pronounced oh ess). The worst and most widespread of these ailments, Windows, infects nearly 80% of all working computers in the US. Banning Sand from the marketplace, they claim, would unnecessarily endanger the lives of these millions of PC's and other systems.

"We cannot neglect the fact that RAM is a necessary resource without which our PC's cannot continue to function" says independant consultant Penny Simms. "The removal of RAM would bring our entire information age culture to a grinding halt."

"Sand, AKA RAM, is one of the greatest dangers facing our nation" responds Rep. Richard Head. "Instead of draining our national pocketbook addressing the symptoms, we should address the causes of these disabling conditions. With education and research we can seek to arrest, prevent, and control the spread of OS's and eventually find a cure." He went on to say that he envisions a future where no computer would suffer the burden of an OS. He also announced that he plans to introduce legislation extending suffrage and benefits to the "unheard legions of silicon assistants".

California has announced its intention to draft its own legislation to gaurantee the medicinal uses of RAM to its resident and alien computers, thus coming under fire from the federal government.

Computer Dictionary

Finally!!! It's here! The computer dictionary. You know all those new terms that you have so much trouble keeping up with? All that techno gab that makes it so hard to read anything having to do with computers? NOW you have your handy all in one computer dictionary. When you run into those unfamiliar words, simply look up the meaning below.

COMPUTER DICTIONARY:

BIT - A word used to describe computers, as in "Our daughter's computer cost quite a bit."

BOOT - What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skill.

BUG - What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: What computer magazine companies do to you after they get you on their mailing list.

CHIPS - The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.

COPY - What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time playing games on your computer and not enough time studying.

CURSOR - What you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You %@& computer!"

DISK - What goes out of your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.

DUMP - The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install games on your computer.

ERROR - What you made when you first walked into a computer showroom "just to look."

EXPANSION UNIT - The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.

FILE - What a secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.

FLOPPY - The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see "CHIPS").

HARDWARE - Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.

IBM - The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.

MENU - What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.

PROGRAMS - Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up.

RETURN - What lots of people do to their computers after they receive their first billing from their internet service provider.

TAB - What your friends pick up when they meet you for lunch (because you spent all your money on new software).

TERMINAL - A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.

WINDOW - What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.

This humor courtesy of The Laffatorium (www.laffnow.com)

Top 10 signs your son is a hacker

Your phone bill lists 1,987 household lines.
Your son tells you that his private interview with the Secret Service agent was for a social studies class essay.
You receive mail addressed to Phil E. Phreak.
The kid cheers Lex Luthor whenever a Superman movie runs on TV.
The CEO of a regional Bell operating company appears on your doorstep, sobbing uncontrollably and begging forgiveness.
You find a copy of Phrack magazine hidden under the underwear in your son's bedroom dresser. (The Playboy magazine is next to the handheld scanner, of course.)
The kid asks for a Novell Access Server for his birthday.
The little silver-colored wheel on your electric meter spins so fast it flies off, slices your neighbor's elm tree neatly in two and flattens a tire on a Chevy Monte Carlo three blocks away.
Your son's English teacher calls, sounding really curious, to ask why the kid selected the Oklahoma City phone directory for his monthly book report.
He names Robert Morris Jr. as his "Most Admired American."

50 Ways to Confuse, Worry, or just Scare the Bejeezus out of People in the Computer Lab

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.
Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
"DISK FIGHT!!!"
Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
Bring som dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire pape this way.
Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they geta chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.
Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
Two words: Tesla Coil. Note: Tesla Coil - an air-core transformer used to Produce high voltages of high-frequency alternating currents.