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Addendum Issue 101
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#101 : Sunday 10 August 2003 : http://addendumtextfiles.org
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Notes on the search for fulfillment, by Steak
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I like to think, I have several different spots where I sit and ponder
things in the universe. A reoccurring thought that I have is trying to
work out why exactly it is human beings are so fucked up and illogical
all the time. This isnt just something that I think about from time
to time, this is a full on obsession that I just cant stop thinking
about. Week after week I will spend minutes, hours, days trying my
hardest to work out what it is that drives us to do what we do.
I want there to be a simple answer; I want there to be a piece of
writing that is easy to comprehend, which will make all these problems
magically disappear. The only error there is that deep down I am more
than one hundred percent sure that it just doesnt work that way.
There is no easy answer, in fact it is debatable if there even is an
answer at all.
Every time I think about these things all I can come up with in the
end is the sad conclusion that there is no answer and never will be.
There is no solution to all the problems I perceive in the world,
there is no way to interact with other people so that they will
instantly like me one hundred percent of the time. There is no way I
will ever truly know what other people are thinking about or what
drives them
The sad fucked up thing is that in the end we are totally alone,
completely devoid of anyone else for company. We have been alone all
our lives and we always will be alone. We will never know what it is
to be anyone else and no one else will ever know what it is to be us.
We may get close, but we will never truly understand other people,
just as we will never truly be understood.
This wouldnt be so bad if it wasnt for the fact that we often dont
even know ourselves very well. What little we manage to piece together
from the incomplete jigsaw puzzle that is our conscious mind is
uncertain. Its questionable, often clouded and almost always made
biased by all manner of emotions, hormones, feelings, morals or
whatever other barriers we consciously or subconsciously choose to
place between us and the one thing we know we are constantly searching
for - personal fulfillment
---
Sometimes there are so many problems in my head, sometimes there is so
much bullshit, so much complication (a complication so complicated
that the solutions to the complications are in turn more complicated
than the original complication) inherent in just going about my day to
day thinking, that sometimes, for me at least, it seems almost
impossible to cope.
These feelings are the closet thing to suicidal feelings I have ever
felt. I reach a stage where I find some idea Ive had so complicated
that my head cannot cope with the complexity of the idea that my mind
just retreats in terror with its tail between its legs, I find at
that point, for a few brief seconds at least, that it would be
impossible to go on without that problem being solved.
I feel completely helpless at a point like this, its like I suddenly
realize that the problem has no answer and to carry on trying to work
out the answer to this problem would be fruitless as the search would
result in nothing, or worse than nothing, nothing but more questions;
the complexity of which surpasses even the most impossible
mathematical equation.
My mind will go off into these sorts of illogical circles with
disturbing regularity. When they happen they are often unpleasant but
luckily last only a very short amount of time (in the region of one to
three minutes) before I manage to find a way of ignoring the problem.
The only possibility I have for solving this problem in my head is the
hope that one day I, and more importantly, my brain will mature to a
point where I am able to stay hold of these problems, comprehend,
understand and then hopefully solve them. Either that or I reach a
point where I am able to easily and confidently ignore the problems,
so much so that it will become another non-issue.
The only question I would have for myself in this case is asking
whether it is better to be thinking about these things and having to
endure these illogical circles or be dumb and enjoy the blissful
ignorance of the worlds complexities.
---
As I have stated in many different places and ways before this time,
human beings are problem-solving animals. This simple fact is what I
believe makes up most of the unhappy unfulfilled and empty
feelings that most people seem to have.
It can be reasoned quite simply that the only reason we exist is to
solve problems, its what we do best, we enjoy doing it and so hence
forth we do it, most of the time without even thinking about it.
On the face of it, being a problem-solving creature seems all well and
good, but when you start analyzing our problem solving ability,
significant and slightly worrying flaws start to pop up.
Humans dont actually like having the problems themselves, ironically
enough they also (most of the time) dont like the solutions that the
problems encourage, they only like the *process* of solving the
problem, if we arent doing this then we are not happy.
We have a natural desire to solve all the worlds problems; we want to
think that we hold the key. We like the idea that if were presented
with an easily understandable form of the ultimate question that we
would be able to crack it without much trouble.
We fantasize for a time when there might be no more problems to solve,
(being naturally compelled to solve problems leads to wishes like
this) but we have to realize that such a place just doesnt exist
anywhere in the universe. It is also interesting to note that if such
an area did in fact exist we would find it excruciatingly boring, by
its very nature there would be nothing to do
So why, after all this evidence that it doesnt even exist are we
still working towards a time when there are no more problems to solve?
The answer is a multi layered one, biologically its quite easy, we
need problems to advance, they are how we have managed to come as far
as we have done. I think there is defiantly a direct link between the
amount of problems that we solve as a species and the more complex
that we as a race become.
For example, our distant ancestors might have thought this way:
Problem: How can I kill that dear far away? Solution: Create weapons,
or problem: How can I keep warm at night Solution: Discover fire,
henceforth problem solving leads to two the most important discoveries
of our existence.
Lots of different questions and answers like this build up over time
eventually leading to such questions as "how can I add up quicker?"
"How can I talk to people in far away places in real time?" and "how
can I download copyrighted music and pornography?" after many
questions and answers like this we have managed to form the society
that we see today, a society completely based on problems.
The way our capitalist economic system (not that thats necessarily a
bad thing) works is by people helping other people out with their
problems. Every single company is there to help you solve a problem,
whether you actually have that problem or not.
There are millions of advertisers hell-bent on trying to persuade you
that you have certain problems and they magically have exactly the
right solution for your new problem - you just will need to part with
some of your money. This money will in time help them with their
problems, eg buying stock, paying employees, general business evilness
etc. Wham bam there you go, you have a business model.
Human beings will never be happy with what they have because they are
never truly happy period. We have to solve problems to make ourselves
feel worth while, but the solutions never present the grand reward we
are hoping for, the relief we seek always seems one problem solve
away, just out of reach.
This in turn leads to phrases like 'the grass is always greener on the
other side' and it makes people create such rules as 'I shall no covet
my neighbours ass' to live by and feel good about. But even with these
age old long and complex rules being followed to the letter, they to
strangely never seem to reach the personal fulfillment that they seek.
---
Its interesting also that people try to bypass the problem with
trying to seek spiritual fulfillment. An ideal that if you follow a
strict set of someone elses (whos actual existence is fundamentally
uncertain) rules, then you will feel respected in their eyes.
Do this for long enough and you hope you will be able to fill that gap
with a fulfillment that is pre packaged and stripped down to fit
into an outdated two thousand year old civilization. Even the source
isnt not even pure, something which has been perverted and distorted
from the original texts in the first place anyway.
This, as you might imagine does not work. You still see people in
religions as unhappy as ever, these people tend to skip from religion
to religion trying to find one that is 'right for them' but in the
long run all they are really looking for is personal fulfillment, they
really havent found anything in any religion. They never will, they
will continue looking until they realize that they are never going to
find what they are looking for in religion.
Its the ones that settle on one religion, or have grown up with one
religion as a child that are the most far from help yet ironically the
closest at the same time. They have had it drilled into them from a
very early age and there is unfortunately little hope for them, no
matter how close they are they will never hit the target. However they
are ironically almost the happiest of the bunch, having the blind
faith and ultimate dismissal of all who disagree leads to a quite
happy life, being convinced of your own righteousness is very
comforting.
However, to live like this you need to sacrifice one thing that I hold
very close to my heart, your ability to see things for what they are.
Your ability to be open to new ideas and new theories, the possibility
to say "yes Im wrong and hence forth Ill change my rule". Not to
have to say "No, my rule cant be wrong, it says it cant be" only to
say later that "my rule is outdated and doesnt reflect the nice clean
politically correct changes of today, so of course it will need to be
reinterpreted"
No, for me spiritual fulfillment is not a substantial substitute for
personal fulfillment, it just will not do, people who follow this way
in my view are fundamentally flawed be it even in only one small way.
This is what I mean when I say they are so close. They have the
right idea -you have to ignore the search, you have to think of
something else (the delusion of spiritual fulfillment) but while they
are thinking about this they are not thinking about the things in life
that are important and living life to the fullest possible extreme.
They are spending too much of their precious time making sure they
dont offend some overly authoritarian father figure, one who a long
time ago was overrun by fat cat profiteering pseudo businessmen.
---
Its now really late into the night, my seat is uncomfortable, the
light is giving me headaches, the topic is tiring and the fire is
burning dim. The lights will need to be switched off and plans about
sleep will have to be made.
With thought I study the beige buttons on my keyboard, Ill come back
to this topic again I think but for now, Im going to stop
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