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Poor Old Ugly Pompous Electronic Yams 21
Poupey 21.
First, there was nothing. The nothing is impossible to comprehend or
contemplate; it exists on every level, and is the moment just before time
began. Eventually, the void came to be. There was no evolution from
nothing to void-- the existance of nothing can't be proved, but in theory
exists. Void wasn't much less boring. Swirling energies of indescripable
power dominated it; and seemingly nothing would ever happen. But even
energy eventually developed crude need-- to have some purpose or design.
Ironically, it's purpose or design was to *have* purpose or design-- but
so it was. Eventually, a vast intellect comprised of nothing but the very
matter(?) that the Void was composed of dominated the whole thing. And the
Void decided to play a vast, sick game. Thus was the Universe made-- and
the rules have been argued over ever since.
----
Thus was the universe created. And it was very boring, for a long,
long time. By this time, in the Void, the intelligence had become
incredibly bored with it's game. It decided to spice things up a bit, and
gave the Universe some of it's sentience. As is the curse of all that is
sentient, the Universe eventually became vastly unsatisfied. It became
hungry for something; what, it could not decide. This was probably because
nothing existed (to it's knowledge) but itself. From this perverse hunger,
eventually a pure manifestation of the key to it's desire developed, a
Potato. Nothing was really special about the potato-- pretty much a normal
potato. And the Universe sat (or whatever it is that Universe's do)
around, contemplating the Potato for a long, long time. It must be
remembered that the Universe had no idea how this Potato came about. And
it couldn't decide why it had been created.
Eventually, the Universe ate the Potato. It was hungry. This put
the Potato at the center and direction of the shard of the Void's
sentience. Kind of like the Universe's brain-- only it hadn't yet
developed any real purpose in existance. The Universe eventually grew
bored with it's nutrition-- chives appeared around the Potato. Soon Sour
Cream joined it. And the Chives have since become what is Evil Manifest,
Col. Sanders on earth, all that strikes fear throughout the Void's Game.
And the Sour Cream have become Eliteness Manifest, Nybarius the God, his
servant is Nybar. After many billions of years, Potato developed
sentience, and began creating senselessly-- as in senseless creation, it
had been created, and being egotistical it had decided that senseless
creation was a good thing. Soon what we like to call the Universe was
created, and eventually sentient life came about. During these billions of
years, elemental Good and Evil had been fighting a pitch'd battle-- but
since they both drew their power from the same source, neither could win.
The Void was vaguely amused by this, but it became really interesting to
it when they started sending out manifestations to distant planets and
galaxies to win the minds of sentient life. For, though a Human life may
seem pathetic, it's energy is something to tip the scales in the battle of
Good and Evil. On Earth, Good and Evil have manifested as Nybarius, whose
messanger is Nybar-- sending out hypnotic prose to win over those worthy
of receiving the message. And Col. Sanders is the manifestation of Evil on
Earth-- question not Puritan Rhetoric, for now you know it's source! Col.
Sanders' hypnotic chicken has taken over the minds of many unworthy
creatures.
Good and Evil wage this unending war on every planet that has
sentient life, and neither has completely won one planet yet. But it is
said that someday, Potato shall be digested by the Universe, and Evil and
Eliteness will have one final battle. And after one is defeated, the game
will be over, Void will destroy it all, and the Winner will dictate what
the New Game will be like. In summary, Nothingness begot Pointless Desire
begot Mindless Creation begot Evil begot Eliteness, and Humans are
extremely minor pawns in an amusing chess game. Still, we struggle, toil
and fight, only hoping that Void never ceases to be amused, and more
importantly; that Nothingness never returns.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Artist: Gravediggaz
Album: 6 Feet Deep (AKA Niggamortis)
Song: Constant Elevation
[Grym Reaper/Too Poetic]
Beeeware! Four figures appear through the fog
Yeah! Gravediggaz cut like swords... rrRRRAAA!!
Fear makes ya brain go numb
You ain't, got a clue, where the Gods, come from
I sold my-self to exist and then I flittle
With millions of sperm cells and I found the eggggg
Know I got my chance
I came to enhance represent and get open as a bank
[Fruitkwan]
Pass it, a deep theourassic
Gravediggaz are massive, puttin niggaz in caskets
Blowin like the wind, when I'm in my spin
ya got fucked cross the path of the twister
You face the storm and bring it onnnnn
and get chopped in the blocks from Hitchcock
The birds, my mental ward is my brainstorm
Somehow I flipped and came equipped with a chainsaw
[Grym Reaper/Too Poetic]
Diggin graves see, pays my rent for the day
Some hate the image that I must portray
Critics, say "Go to hell" I say "Yeah,
stupid motherfucker I'm already there!"
Fru-strated, mentally aggravated
to be the rebel that society created
I'm good most times but when I'm foul then I'm flagrant
Livin in the shadows like a government agent
[Fruitkwan]
Ummm, one side of the story
Shit cooked up from Gravediggaz labratory
Transformin brains with remains of a slug
With the Undertaker makin beats that's buuuuuugged
Path we creatin
Splittin G's, choppin necks with the fat guillotines
I'm your nightmare, fright with verse, one verse
Will put your ass in my black hearse
[Ryzarector/The RZA]
Ryza-rector, ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha
Hooah, hooah, hooah, hoo!
Danger, enter the graveyard, chamber
It's like, diggin, in yer EAR, with a hanger
I inject my poison stinger, into your finger
Of all your life forces, I'll take ya
I'm blood, thirsty, thirsty for sure
About to bust up the same ones, who bust up the poor
You're, not safe, anymore
To all the holy spooks, I declare war
I'll, gravedig them up from hell, ryzarect them
From the poisonous bones of swine, I disinfect them
Positive energy activates, constant elevation
Positive energy activates, constant elevation
[Prince Paul]
Out of the darkness
Out of the deep of the darkness
Lies the Gravediggaz
from the parts unknown
The world that's unknown
People fear what they don't understand
So, this is why we're here
To explain that there's nothin to be afraid of
Have no fear, Gravediggaz are here
A quick note about Nybar and Nybar the cat: Nybar the cat's full name is
Nynthoid Barbarian, given to her after she tore a HUGE rabbit in half.
Nybar's full name is Nybarius, named after the god of eliteness Nybarius
God. Nybarius God isn't in this story so it doesn't matter.
-------
Thus speaks the scroll of silliness: The Earth was created when a large,
indifferent group of rocks fused together. A bunch of small, hardly
indifferent rocks then formed atop it-- People. Some were haughty and some
were naughty, but they really weren't much of an improvement over the
wombats that had come before them. Then one day, Nybarius I came along.
And he danced on the fields, and he hunted the wombat, and he sang the
midnight sonnet backwards at 2 o' clock AM on Tuesday night. Drove the
neighbors crazy-- for, though he was truly Godlike, in the nifty Viking
way,
-=--=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=---=-=--=-=---=-=--=-=-=--
Chapter 1: They Meet
=--=-=-=-=-=--=--=-=-=-=-=---=-=-=-=-=---=-=-=----=-=--=-=---=-
It was a dark and stormy night..
Tanya leapt with great skill onto the ledge of the large building
overlooking the city, where it was rumored a dark and strange man had
taken up residence. She considered how the revolutionary cause was in the
gutter, with all the liberals seeming to be gullible neo-atlanteans who
were communists at heart. She recalled reading about the glory days of
Pain, Pitt, and Wilkes & Liberty. She was amazed and befuddled as to how
this "Counter-evolution" could occur. The purpose of her expedition to
night, and yes all she was making in recent days, was to help find out.
She carefully edged towards the window, and finding it unlocked, went in.
She was suprised to find the entire building largely empty, until she was
on the 13'th floor stairwell and saw an eery light. She leapt up with guns
drawn to see a black figure hunched over a candle writing with an old
quill tipped pen. She leveled the gun on him, when he seemed to dissapear.
Then, her sensitive ears picked up something behind her. She whirled and
fired, only to find a note. It read: "When the people vote is for unity
under oppression, they must not be denied. -GW"
The next day, we find Nybar eating lunch with Harry at the notorius Golden
Hawk Road Cafe....
Nybar "Hmm.. Harry, you know the new popular album by George Washington
and the Freedom Boys?"
Harry "Yes.."
Nybar "Well--" <nybar's cell phone begins to ring> Nybar "Waitasec" <he
takes the call>: Yeah.. Uh huh.. WHAT? I have to attend?! Can't I just
send in a clip?! Well fuck. Yeah. You tell them I'll be there, in 5
minutes.
Nybar "Sorry Harry, have to go. Also.. did you know you were naked?"
Harry "Oh yes. Stops me from fantasizing it does."
<Harry's penis conspiciously begins to rise>
Harry "Shouldn't have said the WORD; fantasizing. Damn."
At the Music Olympics, the nominations for best new album come up..
Tanya "The nominations are, Thomas Jefferson, Sweet Freedom. George III,
Fucking Colony; and George Washington and the Freedom Boys, Fucking
Freedom YEAH. The winner is <drumroll> GEORGE WASHINGTON AND THE FREEDOM
BOYS, FOR THEIR ALBUM FUCKING FREEDOM YEAH!"
George Washington prances towards the stage, but never arrives. Tanya
draws 2 pistols and fires into the crowd.
<nybar jumps up with a sword> "Check it out, I saw this in 'Shinobi'"
Tanya (incredulous) "You've got to be kidding.. are you planning on
blocking the bullet?!"
<nybar stands defiant>
Tanya "Ok.. be that way." <tanya loads her stun rifle and shoots nybar in
the neck>
Nybar "Damn.... technically would pass out before this--"
Tanya "You're coming too" <she shoots george washington> "Ah, if only the
author could think of a good way to get me out of this mess without the
bodyguards getting me."
An hour later, in the interrogation room of Tanya's super secret hideout
in russia <for some reason> nybar and geܥeknob explain it's sick agenda.
Gay and Lesbian activists try to ask it about it's stance on gays in the
millitary. It didn't respond. Feminazis tried to recruit it for their
millitant femme agenda, but it refused by not answering. And all because
it just didn't understand it was a door knob like any other. Finally,
after being cloned, stolen 5 times, dropped accidentaly and prayed to, it
talked. It said something about secret irony.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today I am going to practice a new mode of writing... instead of just
tackling the problem, I am going to write something completely
straightforward and insert things here and there. Like this document.
Also, I think there IS a democracy of taste. If we simply took all the
different kinds of music, for example, and measured them all on several
levels, we could find who the best was!
Today I am going to practice a new mode of writing.... instead of just
tackling people, I am going to strip to my underwear and jump up and down.
Like on garfield. Also, I think there IS a democracy of bees. If we simply
took all the different pieces of poop, for example, and masturbated them
all on several levels, we could find who the best and largest was!
------------------------------------------------
A Brief Profile of the Lead Members of the Cast:
------------------------------------------------
Tanya:
Tanya is a very very strong woman <physically at least.. she beat me up
once> who is the great granddaughter of William Randolph Hearst. She is
well trained in guerilla tactics, and almost always carries a large
arsenal of weaponry and wears her flak jacket. She has a thing for Harry,
even though she is loath to admit it. It should be noted that she is
carrying on the revolutionary tradition, and this time she didn't even
have to be brainwashed!, like her mother.
Hard Dick Harry: Harry is a perfectly normal chap in a world where
everyone is insane. He belongs to pretty much every political party out
there <S&M Communists, ect.> His ultimate goal is to make the goverment
into his ideal, which he is sure would make it better. It should be noted
that he has an aversion to clothes. <And, you might say he's on the way up
in the world! HEhehe..>
George Washington: The commander and chief of the force that liberated
America from British opression, and dictator of the US for 6 months
<appointed by congress>. He turned down the offer of whisky deprivedorge
washington are just waking up whilst Tanya looks on...
Tanya "Wake the hell up."
Nybar "Eh?"
Tanya "Ok, you may be wondering why I've called this meeting."
George Washington "I didn't become an immoral vampire to be subjected to
one terrible sense of humor after another.."
Nybar "Um, I'm a lesbian."
Tanya "Well I'm sure you were.. damnit, what was I saying?!"
Nybar "BIG COWS!"
Tanya "Damnit, I wasn't saying that.."
Nybar "Well, I was, in the small world in my mind."
George Washington "If the cows are that big, how does the fragile ozone
layer of your little world support the methane?"
Nybar "They are robotic cows"
Tanya "Yeah, robotic cows"
George Washington "Well, then how can you be there to say things in if
nothing but automatons can be supported?!"
Tanya "DAMNIT, SHATTAHP! I don't care about your freaking cows!"
George Washington "Did you know my "freedom boys" were really girls in
drag? Also, they are all lesbians."
nybar "Really, lesbians?"
Tanya "grrr.."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Chapter 2: The Prequel
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-==-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
British Music Agent Guy "Ok, we have an act, five girls from britian with
bad teeth but large breasts. Not to fat. Their music sucks and they have a
hypocritical message, so the young girls will lap it up. But, we need a
gimmick."
Suggestion guy who hangs around "Lesbians?"
BMAG "Brilliant!"
Three weeks later, and the girls had failed miserably, showing that truth
is stranger then fiction. Still, the gimmick would be probably have worked
better if the music didn't suck quite so bad.. and there was an extra bit
of panache. Of zing. Then the suggestion guy found it: CROSSDRESSING!
Also, an established musical talent who hadn't yet mentioned princess
bliana or the notorious PIG was found to lead the group; George
Washington! The stage was set to revolutionize the music industry and to
impress alot of goa-tee stroking latee drinking IDIOTS! FUCKING IDIOTS!
COLLEGE -IDIOTS!!%#- er.. to impress a bunch of them. But there was one
problem: the murder of Suggestion guy and the British Music Agent Guy,
<who was getting on in years anyway.>
cut to the present..
Tanya "So, lets talk about what you 2 have been doing.."
Nybar "Are you trying to learn trade secrets? I'm clean damnit! I keep
telling people I didn't kill that guy with the mustache and the three
twins.. as a matter of fact, I've never killed anyone at --"
Tanya "What?! I have a tape of you savagely murdering mercuri and sending
his head to mogel! I have the stamp!"
Nybar "Well... other then.."
Tanya "You unleashed your cat army; IN THE SUPERMARKET!"
Nybar "They deserved it! It would be a crime not to!"
Tanya "BECAUSE THEY WERE OUT OF TOMATOS?! THE SMOOTHIE WOULD HAVE SUCKED
NYBAR! IT WOULD HAVE BEEN BAD!"
George Washington "I can't help but feel left out.."
Tanya "I'M YOUR TERRORIST!@$ I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS!!!"
George Washington "I think this is an issue; of respect."
Nybar "Now you've gone to far... god, this is even worse then when people
took me seriously on alt.conspiracy.."
George Washington "Were you, CIAgent?"
Nybar "Yup. Let me tell you about hitler's secret CIAlien love handles.."
<nybar and GW laugh out loud>
Tanya "Damnit, now I feel left out.."
George Washington "Well, theres a little story about a fool and his apples
which you should learn."
Nybar "No you idiot, that story doesn't exist! You mea--"
Tanya "SHUT UP! FROM NOW ON, WHEN I ASK A QUESTION, ANSWER IT! NO OTHER
TALKING!" cut to the past...
Scotland Yard Raptor "Hmm... III really have no qualifications for this
job at all."
Door Knob "What?! Aren't you the famous raptor who tracked down 2 four
year olds?!"
Scotland Yard Raptor "And I woulda gotten away with it too, if not for
that meddling T-Rex.."
Door Knob "Don't talk to me, I'm just a door knob. <mumbled>: idiot."
present..
Nybar "I don't see how, sir, you could deny the effects of the prison
experiment."
George Washington "Hah, this coming from someone who says that
illeagalizing abortion would result in more deaths."
Nybar "Simply look at the statistics from cuba!"
George Washington "Ban all welfare!!"
Nybar "This is worse the channel 97.. well except for russian and rep...
oh and salisar... oh and karl, and booradley.. and that idiot alexdc.. oh
also styler... well pretty much everyone."
Tanya <half asleep> "I don't.." <yawn> "I don't really care for the debate
on revolutionary issues. Give me something to blow up, and that's that..
I'm a kickass revolutionary."
Nybar "Well, there could be something to be said about the rigid
liberalism of yesterday becoming the insane conservatism of today, which
means, in 300 years, you'll probably seem just as right wing to the citz's
as he seems to me."
Tanya "Do you want to be shot?"
Nybar "Correction, it has to do with most people being fucking idiots."
Tanya <looks at nybar blankly>
Nybar "Fuck this. Georgie, I'm busting out."
Tanya "And how do you think you can do tha-<Hard Dick Harry, from behind,
clubs her>oof!"
Nybar "Damnit, I could have broken out of these chains in 5 seconds or
less."
Hard Dick Harry "Now, George, this is for the game, you want to go lower,
or does he have to prove it?"
George Washington "I say prove it."
Nybar "You guys are wierd.. oh fuck it." <nybar wriggles (not quite a
wrangle, not quite a wiggle, but a wriggle) out in around 2 seconds>
George Washington "Damnit, now how will I get out of debt?"
Tanya "Don't worry, you get our patented piggy bank set!"
back to the past..
George Washington "We need to have this album made regardless of the
murders."
Stupid Freedom Boy/Girl "But, thaer has beyn ah mahdmahn stahlking us.."
George Washington "Hmm.."
the present (with nybar out of the interrogation instruments but GW not)..
Nybar "You killed them, didn't you?"
George Washington "I most certainly didn't!"
Nybar "Oh, so you just hired someone to? Didn't want them to get the share
of the profits aye?"
George Washington "I think a better question would be; have you been
stalking my band and I?!"
Nybar "Nope... the proper grammer seems rather odd though."
George Washington "Oh yeah right, who would then?! Why do you even care
about the murder?!"
Nybar "The suggestion guy.. was my father. You know those suggestion slips
in resteraunts? He INVENTED them!"
Harry "Down with those slips."
Nybar "I'm sick of americans, but I'm even sicker of you assholes. You
can't just change things to no cause. THAT'S WHY ANARCHISM DOESN'T WORK!
By the way, I was never impressed by chumbawumba. Stupid fucking
capitalists to be. Screw them."
Harry "I believe I prefer Tanya's company to yours."
Nybar "Well get used to it, you're rooming with me. We have a contract,
along with those 50 cubans in that other room."
Harry "Thank god they don't have bathroom privleges.."
Nybar "You do know what the hole in your room is for don't you?"
Harry "No, but I have noticed it kind of stinks in my room sometimes.."
Nybar <chortle>
Nybar "Shit, George Washington got away with Tanya."
Harry "Ah well. Back to the diner?"
Nybar "Yesss. I hope you kept our cups."
Harry "Yup. And washed them."
Nybar "Self serve rules."
Harry "Werd up."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Chapter 3, Or "How the hippies sang of a pink frog rain"
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=--
This, this chapter is the story of the hippy joe and his pals. They were
to stoned to move most of their lives, so they only get one chapter. The
thing that was special about hippy joe was, he was the brother of Hard
Dick Harry. That's it. Pretty lame eh? He's just a part of hard dick
harries not too prolific shadow. Anyway, back to the story. One particular
year, he was just sitting around at home jerking off and smoking hemp (the
whole year, and no, contrary to popular belief, they aren't mutually
exclusive.) Then, he decided to go into the pink lemonade buisness. His
production values were very low, and he almost never worked, so of course
the US put his factory on welfare <buisnesses are the real bandits.> One
day, his doorknob fell off. One of his quick witted workers.. THREW IT
INTO THE PINK LEMONADE MIX! <which was quite toxic, he had never stopped
masturbating, even when working. I guess horniness runs in the family.>
The next day, it was another dream of albino frogs. How bawdy, not to
blatant though. But girl's.. girls had nothing to do with it..
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Chapter 4: Take it to new orleans.
=-=--==-=--==-=--==-=--=-=-==--=-==-=-=-=-=-=--==-=--==--=-=-=-=-=-==-=--=-=
George Washington rides through the forest on a horse with tanya, all tied
up, behind him. <tanya begins to wake up>
Tanya "<hehehe>"
George Washington "What the hell is so funny?!"
Tanya "Bwhahahaha!!!!"
George Washington "I don't usually ride on a horse you damn asshole! You
really got the wrong impression from those cartoons. I just need it to
ford a river."
Tanya <looking kind of a like an army officer with her flack jacket>
"Build a bridge."
George Washington "What? I don't have my corps of engineers."
Tanya "It was a joke."
George Washington "I just don't understand this new generation--" <a net
suddenly drops on tanya and george and pulls them off the horse>
Tanya "Shit"
George Washington "What is this, some kinda net?!"
<nybar the cat leaps from the trees, her glass eye shimmering>
Nybar the Cat (demurely) "Indeed."
----------
<once again nybar <not the cat> and hard dick harry sit in the golden hawk
road cafe>
HDH "I'm going to go to new orleans for jazz fest, want to come?"
Nybar "Hm, why would I?"
HDH "They have the most corrupt police force ever! Also they have good
spicey food. On top of all of that; you can sell marijuana to the cajun
guys, all they have is crappy swamp stuff!"
Nybar "Um, why are you going?"
HDH "Well, it seems that cajuns aren't allowed to return to nova scoia,
and theoretically they are supposed to be killed if they try. So I'm going
to offer to be their attorney."
Nybar "And they'll accept a nudist who is always nude?"
HDH "I prefer to be called a naturist"
Nybar "Bullshit, you give a bad name to naturists; they just like to get
naked in the back lawn with their families. You go everywhere! Also that
goat porn I found in your room.. anyway, oh.. and how the fuck are you
going to get on the plane looking that way?"
HDH "I plan to just slip by."
Nybar <muttered>: "Wierdo"
HDH "Anyway, I'm also smuggling some mariHuana.."
Nybar "WHERE?!$#"
HDH "My 'Secret Pocket'"
Nybar "Eww.."
HDH "Then, when I get to nova scoia to file my complaint, I will go around
the countryside to farmers, and get them to pool their funds to get me to
sue a bunch of insects!"
Nybar "Old scam; read about it in 'The Encyclopidea of Hoaxes'"
HDH "Great book eh? I've only pulled around 40 of them." <he lowers his
head> "This will be a big boost!"
Nybar "Aren't I the one who's supposed to do the crazy stuff whilst other
people revolve around me?!?!!"
HDH "That's the thing with having an Ellen Jamesian and an S&M communist
living with you, screws with your priorities.."
Nybar "Well this fucking sucks, I actually need to plot my next move to
stay ahead of you doinks... and this isn't a neo feminist novel, so you
can stop with the wise cracks! "
HDH "I'll win always."
Nybar "Fuck you, I'll kick yer ass, now go board your fucking plain* to
new orleans."
2 weeks later, nybar sits around with hard dick harry still gone, watching
MSNBC
The TV "I'm a talking TV MAN!"
Nybar "Shit, what just happened on the news?"
The TV "Hm, hard dick harry died, killed by some kind of cajun person. It
seems he mocked the way he cooked shrimp.. anyway, after that the person
who killed him was killed, then the person who killed the person who
killed him was killed and.. god damn, it just goes on like this.."
Nybar "How many would you estimate are getting killed every hour?"
The TV "Hour? Why every MINUTE around 20 are killed!"
Nybar "Wow, I think that's enough for the death rate to catch up to the
birth rate. Hm, this could be a good thing. Tell me, are they mainly
localized in one area or widespread?"
The TV "Moving very fast. The style is usually to shoot then drive away
VERY fast. It's nearly continuous, which is very wierd.."
Nybar "Neato, the end of the world... well of course I can't let that
happen... but this will solve alot of the annoying over-population. Good
thing I have 50 cuban roomies who all come equipped with shotgun and
kungfu grip! We'll just wait for a couple weeks, then abduct the person
scheduled to be killed, and starve them to death. No muss no fuss."
The TV "Hm, that would probably not work, they would still lay the blame
on you and shoot you."
Nybar "Hmm.. oh yeah! I have an idea! This will out do hard dick harry's
clever death stunt; any day of the week!!"
---
*intentional
--------------------------------------------------
Chapter 5: Nybar's struggle. (or; "Why can't I ever look at one of these
webcams without seeing some ugly people cavorting around nude?"
--------------------------------------------------
<nybar the cat sits in her tree top prison room, cleverly disguised as a
snowman, opposite a tied up george washington and tanya>
Tanya "This sure is a change of events.."
George Washington "Not really."
Nybar cat "You peeps want anything? Tea? Want some tea?"
George Washington "Yeah, tea is good."
Nybar cat "TOO BAD!"
George Washington "Ah, sick! sick! bad interrogater/bad interrogator
routine! I give in!"
Nybar cat "Hm, ah.. ok.. hm.. what's happening?"
Tanya "Why the hell did you abduct us anyway?!"
Nybar cat "Well, there really is nothing to do in the forest with a big
army of cats, so one day one my pussies was reading 'Robin Hood'"--
Tanya <smacks herself then sighs>
Nynthoid "Hm, you don't, by any chance, know where I could use my army?"
George Washington "Well, you COULD take over new orleans.. <muttered>:
lousy cajuns.. canada belongs to us.. stupid Benedict Arnold.."
Nybar "Good idea." <she meows really loudly, and all around her forces
quickly muster.> Nybar "Ok, lets move out."
And so they marched, day after day. Many rats died on the march and were
eaten. Tanya was disgusted, but remembering how Layfeyette had eaten worm
infested hard tack <and not knowing the national thang against the french>
he gladly obliged, and just like Sylvester Stallone before him, found rat
burger to be a delicious delicacy. Finally, they arrived in new orleans.
Nybar <Scouting around> "Where are all the fucking people?! I'm a hungry
for some chilli and egg nog!"
George Washington "See all the dead bodies around? That indicated that
there has been some kind of struggle where people died.."
Nybar <licks her lips and licks some blood off of some dead persons ear>
"You idiot, of course I see the dead bodies, but WHERE are the people?
This many people dead means theres a wounded force somewhere in the
vicinity, got me?"
<the not quite dead guy wakes up for a couple seconds after nybar licks
him.> Dead Guy "Ahhr, don't you watch the <coughs up blood> news?!"
Nybar "Nope."
Tanya "No."
George Washington "'Watch' the news?"
<he coughs up blood out of frustration> Dead Guy "Lets just say they went
thataway." <he points north, towards a "trail of tears <aka dead bodies>">
Nybar "Ok, so we'll just follow the yellow brick road!"
George Washington "Exactly. Nybar, may I be a general in your army?"
Nybar "Why?"
George Washington "Well recently, I've been wanting to conquer the world
and all.."
Nybar "Yes, but doesn't everybody?"
George Washington "Not to my knowledge.. but anyway, I've been wanting to
conquer the world ever since I stopped being a general.. then a while ago
I realized it's because I no longer have the testosterone draining thrill
of eviscirating a better armed opponent. So I want to kill a bunch of
french canadians; FOR LIBERTY!"
Nybar "Indeed. Kind of ironic, since if you don't want to conquer the
world there aren't that many people to fight, but if you fight alot you
don't want to conquer the world.."
George Washington "A very old problem... europeans used to deal with it by
waging 'Gentlemans wars'.. took someone who was to small to soak up all
the testosterone produced in either to break the cycle.. Napolean."
Nybar "Did you know my former 'Master' was really Napolean? Hitler too..
but during the Hitler days he says he was either drunk or on LSD most of
the time. Also he CLAIMS to have been the godfather, but I don't believe
that."
George Washington "An interesting thought I had about the godfather was
that he wasn't really trying to have them commit crimes, you know? Because
his main gardannis couldn't understand what the fuck he was saying. He
would look out his window and see and old lady and say 'Help that old lady
across the street' and they would hear 'Rob that store over there, then
break that ladie's legs.'"
Nybar "Good, good. I need analytical skills like that for my generals,
you're hired!"
George Washington "Um.. alright.. an-.. ah.. thaa.."
Nybar "Damnit, why is the story still focused on us? We have nothing more
to say!"
George Washington "Damn strai--"
And so Nybar and Nybar both closed in on the same spot, one intent on
stopping the madness, the other wanting to propogate it..
Nybarius trudges on ahead, a sock full of bullets hanging on the end of
his cane and a 45 mm pistol in his pocket, at the head of an elite group
of 50 cubans, 100 cow cavalry, 20 cat light infantry, and 30 duck
bombadiers. The cubans were an elite group because of proximity eliteness
next to Nybar, and because all cubans are trained in deadly, deadly, sexy
weapons. Didn't you know that?! They come upon a stereotypical sign that
reads "Kill fest ahead, 5 miles."
Nybar "Lets hope we have enough to seperate the stooge from the others for
just a bit, when I kill him they should come looking for me.."
One of the cubans, Senor Goat Konswalo, looks at nybar skeptically..
Snakeface <nybar's second in command> "Think we can't? One time an army
just like this took out 2 trillion door to door salesmen."
Nybar "Ah, those were the days.. poor yipyip."
Mew-Mew "He was a prick."
Nybar "Ah yer right, cats are the ones for me.. sorry I even experimented
with dogs."
<as they approach the 5 mile mark, nybar's advanced duck scouts fly back
and tell him about fighting.>
Nybar "Fighting? One of the rubes fighting back?"
Howard the Duck "Not that at all, actually a well organized force, but
vastly out numbered. They are trying to retreat, and holding them back
with grenades. There is one wierd thing though.."
Nybar "Wazzat?"
Howard the Duck "They are all cats.."
Nybar "SHEIST, NYBAR! Lets move peop-- err, YOU-- double speed! And lets
have the 11'th cow regiment go get the landmines at the armory 5 miles
back."
<they hurridly trump off. the ducks, hearing from howard that they have no
ground to air capability and are clumped together hurry up especially>
--------------
Nybar The Cat <at the scene of the crime, trotting with her force to keep
up with the killers> "What the hell?! How could there still be a force
this big after all that bloodshed?! Around 10 million that we've seen, and
we find THIS! Where is the slaughter?! Eh?! US is the slaughter! FUCK YOU
GEORGE!"
GW "Cmon, calm leadership and all you know.."
Nybar "You are right, fuck it, toss the grenades then run like hell."
Her brave force of 2000 abandoned kitties (very well armed due to SPCA
"connections") tosses the various high tech explosive devices in the path
of the killers. They run right into it, and the explosive devestates the
center of their position, taking at least 200,000 human lives. Luckily
they were all Russians, so no one will notice. But there was one problem:
they had killed the victim-to-be.
The killers turn on Nybar's force, who hurl another volley of grenades.
After a few seconds, they CHARGE, in their jeeps and vans, true road
warrior style.
Nybar "Fucking get back! Keep throwing though!"
<two stout tabbies move to the front with chainguns, decimating thousands
more humans, until finally they are forced to turn tail (LITTERally,
heehee) and run.>
Nybar <while running> "I know of a place where we can hide until the heat
cools off, and defend well also. It's my old protectors armory." <nybar
looks back and see's a second force holding off the chasers>
---------------
Nybar (human style) "They say, I'm not sensitive enough.."
Snakeface "What the fuck are you talk---<he bites and/or stings seven
humans>--ing about?"
Nybar "Nevermind, it's just that I signed up for a group sensitivwaitasec"
<he blazes away with 2 chainguns> "err, I signed up for a group
sensitivity class."
Howard the duck lands on nybar's shoulder.
Howard "They retreated, probably to your artillery, with the killers in
hot pursuit."
Nybar "Ok, let's do the same. Yip-yip, I expect you to hold all of the
killers off."
Yip-Yip "All 2.1 billion of them?"
Nybar "Give or take a few million, yes."
Yip-yip "I don't know.. how will I be able to effectively plan.. my
eyesight and sense of feel are poor even though my sense of smell is
good.."
Nybar "Don't worry, I've got that alll figured out."
Yip-yip "Hmm.. I smell wood and something acrid.. oh yeah that's one of
your anthrax bombs! You going to catapult it at the enemy?"
Nybar "I sure am" <nybar catapults yipyip and an anthrax bomb at the enemy
"Cya ladder chef!"
Snakeface "Umm, why did you do that?"
Nybar "No time to explain! Run!"
Snakeface "I'm a snake, remember? I don't have legs."
Nybar looks closely at snakeface and then at the catapult..
Snakeface (looking nervous) "Fine, I'll sssslither.."
<nybar grins, and his force retreats back to the artillery house.>
At the front of the artillery house, moments later..
At the front of the artillery house, a lone cow meets nybar's force and
hands them a map of the land mines he has laid out. Nybar "Yeahhhh..
yeah.."
<they walk carefully, and into the house, only to find nybar the cat's
force>
Nybar "Hi"
Nybar "Oh hi."
Nybar "How did you get in here?"
Nybar "It wasn't locked."
Nybar "Shit."
Nybar "Watch, I'll say two thing in a row and it will confuse the people
reading this."
Nybar "Oh really?"
Nybar "haha, elite."
Nybar "Yo dewd kniggah king waReZ haz aRiVeD in da hood boYee shit yo me
go-- (cut by editor due to space limitation)."
--------------------
At a big conference room with free doughnuts
--------------------
NybarH <for human> "So what were you doing fighting those guys?"
NybarC "Well, I saw a slaughter and I thought I'd find a weakened force,
ripe for the capturing.."
NybarH "Bad kitty!"
NybarC "Catist human!"
NybarH "Humanist cat!"
NybarC "What the fuck? Do I donate money to the people fund?! Do I FUCKING
GIVE TO PEOPLE! No!"
NybarH "You interperet NybarH in the wrong way--" <george washington steps
in.>
NybarH "Hey Georgie boy! I heard about that whole immortal vampire thing..
it's completely radical.."
<meanwhile, tanya is teaching a goat to fuck her>
Tanya "Always wear a condom, though, don't want to make little hybrid
goat/humans."
The Goat "um.... Moo?"
And now for something completely different..
10 ways in which Mogel and Jerry Seinfeld are alike
10. Both are small.
9. Both are jewish.
8. Both are whiney.
7. Both have hooked psitas with a tan in the non-future.
6. Both are greaseballs.
5. Both are REALLY whiney.
4. Shit.. I give up.
Back to the story..
NybarH "Ok, so we'll set a huge electrical fence with land mines out side
and chaingun guards."
NybarC "Just like a connecticuit yankee in king arthur's court."
NybarH "Man, that movie sucked.. stinkaroo.. using a skateboard to topple
a dictatorship.."
NybarH looks out the window to see the rapidly advancing human hoards..
NybarH "Say, who are they after?"
NybarC "Prolly me. I had a snack of the one they were after last."
NybarH "Nybar-- that was really, really stupid. Now they're going to kill
all of us. Bad cat."
NybarC "The only way out of this is to have ... a moment of clarity. We
wander through life, we toil, but never wonder why? How many more have got
to die, heedless of their wishes for immortality to wait for this moment,
before we realize it's all for naught? What if the world devours itself,
and the earth dies screaming? What of it? Will anything change? Will the
Void be any less amused, will the Nothingness return, will the Battle
between Good and Evil cease? Either something stays the same or it
changes, and even when it changes, it's all just in preperation for the
return to Nothingness we all know is invevitable. Yes-- we struggle
through life begging, THIRSTING, for a moment of CLARITY that never comes!
OH WRETCHED CLARITY! THAT I COULD WRENCH YOU FROM THE HAND OF ETERNITY!
THAT I COULD--"
<At this moment, the forces of the world gone mad break into the Fortress
and slaughter all inside. They then take to killing eachother-- fighting
is fierce, but the outcome is predestined: No one lives. The elemental
forces of Eliteness and Evil strike one world from their vast battle, and
neither reflects long enough, in their ceaseless battle, to think that
eventually it is their destiny to go down in flames the way Nybar has.
Another bit of Potato has been digested.>
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Let's all have sex with a goat -By Tanya..
The same one, and stuff. -Tanya
-----------------
Anyyyyyyyway, as I was saying new story.
The scene: Nybar is in a ratty room with no
lights except for a very bright one that is pointed at someone sitting
across from him. It is behind him so he takes no notice.
Extreme Cue, Nybar sucking on a lasange.
Nybar <gravly voice> "Would ya like.. a lasange.."
"Ice Pick" Mike "Sure, ok."
Nybar "Listen, don't get smart with me punk. I eat punks like you for
breakfast."
<cu jubjub, who trots into the room> Jubjub "Nybar, I think he's had
enough."
Nybar "Enough aye! This motherfucker won't talk!!"
Jubjub <talking to ice pick in a compassionite, slightly whiney tone>
"Cmon man, please talk. We just need your confession to put you away for
quite a few years, then justice will have been served. While inside you
can expect to be raped, beaten, and exposed to filthy sorroundings."
Ice Pick "Where are you going to put me now?"
Nybar "He's a real fucking wise guy isn't he."
Jubjub "Nybar, maybe we should let him go..?"
Nybar "WHAT?! MAYOR GULLIANI WOULD EAT US ALIVE!$!#" <nybar bites down on
an aspirin tablet and starts frothing at the mouth.>
Jubjub "Cmon Ice Pick, when he gets like this, it's very bad to pretend
not to know anything."
Ice Pick <whiney> "I'm not pouting!--er pretending. I was just walking
across the street to get the ice off of an old ladies car when you picked
me up!"
Jubjub "Listen ice pick, jaywalking is ILLEAGAL. We can't just choose
which laws we wanted to follow. If we could, I would be married right
now."
Nybar <in a scarily calm voice> "Scum like that doesn't care about the
crimes of sodom and gommorah."
Jubjub "Nyb--"
Nybar "STOP BEING GAY!"
Jubjub "Make me."
Nybar "Oh, I think I know how to make you."
Jubjub "Ok, then it is settled."
Nybar "Fine by me."
<they both start to walk away, when nybar jumps on Jubjub and starts
punching him> Nybar "Oh I'll make you1@%#@!%#" <punch punch>
Ice Pick "Uh, I'll just leave now."
The End (btw, the problem was finally resolved when nybar
hired a prostitute to rape jubjub with a Rock Hudson mask on.)
The Rockin' Continuation! <in the house>
The billions of humans were approaching nybar's fortress quite fast.
Hundred's of thousands had been killed by hand grenades and land mines,
but that hardly made a dent. Then, nybarH did the one thing he knew he had
to do. He did it, becuase... it was his denseity. It was his poirpose in
life. His piece of the big cosmic pie. His-- oh sorry. What he did was
take off his mask and reveal----- TO BE CONTINUED.
Nybar's political podium.
This is Nybar speaking, and I got to speak about something. They tell me,
a 14 year old boy with a rubber dick and a 34 year old woman with an
elastic face have been doing the four legged bogey. Now if this were the
day of cowboys and da horses, where batman and robin were fuckin' with
alfred, then maybe Newsweek would mention Nambla. But now all we have is a
sham monarchy, with the people of scotland lying about britian, and no one
more pathetic then the albino african's. But there've been, 3 robin's and
counting, and batman is an aging weighty old man, no one left to stick his
prig in. Waitasecond, sorry. This story kind of got mixed up with a rap I
was thinking of. Ahhhh.. the end.
========================================================================
"He did have proof about the whole homo improvement thing though."
- Leviticus 17:4
========================================================================
Intro; At first, he was a gardener. Then one day.. ask he was going on the
bus to work.. his mind was pre-occupied. He managed to leave behind his
FAVIORITE clod of dirt. He got out, and realizing his mistake.. sought to
correct it. He's been running after that bus for 20 years now. He has an
elite group of followers who would do anything for him; They run
together.. they sleep together (eeww) and they EAT together. This is the
return of-- NETTLE.. THE... WIZZER --------------------------
-----------------------
==============================================================
Griznok lived aboard a small room, hurtling through the depths of the
cosmos (or whatever.) His only occupation was playing with his little
garden. But then one day, he woke up and something was wrong.. he couldn't
see his little garden anywhere in his little space room. Then, he saw a
space bus hurtling away from his little room with it. He jumped up, tore
off his clothes to reveal the naked garb of: NETTLE, THE WIZZER 2089 1/2.
He jumped out of his little room and KER POP.. he was dead. Lesson: Don't
go out into space naked. Back to present day..
Nettle, The Wizzer "Maybe we should wait at a bus stop or something, or
maybe just get the liscense plate number." Follower #1 "Really, shut up."
Moral: Netle is a twerp. "What........ a........... dick." (elucidation on
thoughts without ad hominuem argument's, #radpoliticalteen style)
===========================================================
Please don't judge this `zine by it's spacer's. HOT ANUS.
===========================================================
Nybar, on the battle of the sexes.
Nybar "Well, a woman and a man can't dick joust or dick swordfight.
Strapons are very inadequate. Therefor, I would have to reccomend my own
pumpable with water or air ejaculating (with our formula or by your own
concotion) vibrating pocket dildo with special strap on for extra control.
Hey, why shouldn't dick jousting be fun for the whole family, even lil'
flaccid Phil, to enjoy? Answer me THAT Pat Robertson!" -Not a solicited
advertisement.
On another front, Nybar has a position teaching Womyn who got a penis
implant to pee properly.
(A gertrude stein lookalike with a penis pees all over nybar's foot.)
Nybar "You need to arc it up. You aren't doing this intentionally are
you?"
Remember, that's 1-800-Hot-Anus for Unkie Nybie's patented pumpable with
water or air ejaculating (with our formula or by your own concotion)
vibrating pocket dildo with special strap on for extra control o' rama
2064. Dick fencing has never been this EXTREEMMEEEEE!! Get in the game.
============================================================
Just remember, that's only 45 dollars american, or 62 trillion pesos, for
1 of nybar's patented pumpable ejaculating vibratorama pocket dildos. Buy
one get another one for the price of another one.
============================================================
This is the story where nybar meet's all of the crooked heroes of day's past.
-------------------------------------------------------
Nybar "Well, as I was paging through the Protocol's of the Elder's of Zion
for my history class, I realized that Ford was a crank. Wait wrong story.
Ok, here goes for real.."
Nybar, on a buisness trip to boston, is dropping a woman dressed like
she's running a marathon off on his way to the store. Nybar "So, you're
sure you haven't heard of the boston marathon?"
Rosie Ruiz "No, I just dress like this.. for.. ahh.. comfort."
Nybar "You're a stripper aren't you?"
Rosie Ruiz "Hm.. yes. Now, gotta RUN.. hehe. GET IT, RUN?"
<nybar let's her out of the car> "Cya"(thinking: what a wierdo)
A little later, at the checkout line of the store..
Nybar "Ok, that will be a 12 pack on condoms, the fur kind, want to test
something. Hey, aren't you Janet Cooke?"
Janet Cooke "No, I'm Princess Di ressurected. Would you like to buy a
royal gem, for the cut price of 5000 dollars?"
Nybar "That's a lollypop."
Janet Cooke "Okok, but you know, it's like my daddy used to say.. BLEAUH!"
she pushes a button, and a spiked cage drops on nybar.
Nybar "Hmm, very nice. What you forgot is that I can just pick the cage up
(he picks it up). Anyway, cya. Time to give some heroin to an 8 year old,
meaning need to keep my appointment.. hehe."
Meanwhile, at the appointment..
Mary "Where the hell is he?" <she takes a long drag from one of those
cigar's.. you know.. the blue ones?>
Nybar's front..
Nybar "Where the hell am I?"
Later, at the meeting
(Nybar walks in the door) Nybar "Sorry I'm late people, I was afraid of a
killer hawk/escaped animals from the zoo/invaders from mars/union
protesters and had to hide a little. Turned out not to be anything. Now,
let's get down to buisness. Mary, you say you were in a field when a giant
demon bunny came up to you, offered sex, now how did he do that?" Mary
Toft "Well, he held his penis in his `and n' gave me cunny a squeeze."
Nybar "And then you resisted, he carried you off to his bunny layer of
infamy, and commited the infamous act. Right?"
Toft "Yeup."
Nybar "Would you be suprised if HA!" <nybar pretends to punch Mary>
Mary "AH..suppose so yes."
Nybar "Ok, then you gave little bunnies. Now, are you aware that there
isn't a trace of your DNA in those bunnie's?"
Mary "That's becauws it's a daemon!"
Nybar "Right. Anyway, you made the hoax work for you, right? I know a guy
who was the victim of a sex hoax, I think you two should get together. Are
you religious?"
Mary "Eastern Dopefish."
Nybar "Good enough, his name is Urban Grandier."
Mary "Oooo yeah, the daemon that had his way with all those nuns."
Nybar "Yup."
=========================================================
Nybar walks into a bar and orders a margarita. Inside of it is an
alternate universe with nybar drinking a margarita that has a margarita in
it.... then Mogel says "And now for something completely different."
==========================================================
This is a true life story.. I'll tell it first person. -Nybar
One summer there was this 15 year old ice skater, real fucking little
idiot, and her mother, who is the stupidest person I have ever seen.
Anyway, she was giving me a ride somewhere or other when the conversation
turned to politics. She started singing the praise of Pat Buchachan, and I
merely innocently said "How can you like that fucking populist robber
baron?", to which she replied "Well, if you give another one of those
little outbursts I'm turning this car around (into traffic, hehe) and
driving right back home. By the way, I don't like that kind of language
either." Later, she said that welfare was 85 percent of the nations
budget, and I told her it was bs and asked her for a source. She said
"Newsweek. It's a fact." After that I calmly explained about how much of
an idiot she was to her, and she actually TURNED THE CAR AROUND, well not
into traffic, did a u-turn, and drove me home. Ohh man what an idiot,
that's supposed to be an idle threat you tard! I don't know how people
like this even get driver's liscenses, too dumb to live. Anyway, I had to
live with this person and her idiot daughter for a whole summer. They even
took my fucking room. The way to get revenge on people like this is a
slow, systematic revenge, not one act. It started with a few relatively
innocent pranks, dildo in her purse during buisness meeting, tacs on the
bed, urine in her apple cider, when finally I learned she had a boyfriend.
This was going to be my triumphant victory. I kicked down his door, put a
pillow over his head, knocked his head against the wall a few times to
knock him out, tied him up with leather ropes after putting him in panties
and a bra. Then, I continued by taking a bunch of pictures. When he was
finally awake, I started a tape recorder out of his sight, started
whipping him. The ensuing conversation went as follows: "Are you a
republican?"
"Y--" <CRacK(that's the crack of the whip baby)> "Are you a republican?"
"Y--" <CRacK> "Are you a democrat?" "Umm, ye--" <CRACK> "Don't lie to me
you swine, are you a democrat?" "Yes! YES--" <CRACK> "Fucking democrat, I
hate democrats, are you sure you are?" <CRACK> "N-" <CRACK> "Then what are
you?" <CRACK> "A libertarian!" "And what do you think about Pat
Buchachan?" "He's an asshole!" <CRACk> "Ok, that was the last one, as a
blow against PC thugs everywhere, and I've let you off. Don't worry, I
called the vice squad, they will be happy to save you from yourself. <I
switch the tape off> hehe, this will show you how it feels, fuckin
republican. Oh, by the way, I'm sending the tape to your idiotic grrl
friend. Cya."
The moral of this story? Libertarians-We're not all wusses and vegitarians
this time around. -This story inspired by the movie "Freaky Friday", which
finally led me to speak out against idiocy. And the beefheart song, "White
Jam".
But wait, there's more! (hehe, shining force 2 rocks)
Nybar "Look, gems." Barbara, the stupid woman "Hm, I think I will put one
on." Nybar "Me too!" Nybar's Brain (in a gerbil voice): "Nybar Nybar, be
careful, these gems utilize the power of thought!" Nybar "Well, then I
have nothing to worry about from her..."
Later, after the newest episode of Star Trek, Deep Space 9, Nybar is
thinking to himself "Hmm, I wish there was a way that I could masturbate
nonstop for 2 hours." vwooo.. Nybar (in barbara's body): "If I'm in her
body, then... she must be in my body!!" Next saturday.....
Nybar "Hm, I believe I prefer the kind of vibrator without a cord..
EeweeweweeAHAEHEH! That one was good."
=======================================================================
Damnit, these fucking self righteous feminists with their ad hominuem
arguments are fucking pissing me off. Or should I say that "I feel that
they piss me off, and I hope you are not offended by the way that I feel
about those arguments" For you see, originally the word "man" did not
denote sex. Therefore "Chairman" is just as appropriate as "Chairperson"
and sounds a hell of a lot better. Wow, big spacer.
=======================================================================
Interlude to nothing--
Middle Aged Woman "Hm, so are you going to be giving my son any marijuana?"
Nybar "Fuck off."
Middle Aged Woman "Excuse me?!"
Nybar "Fuck off."
Middle Aged Woman "EXCUSE ME?!!?!"
Nybar "I SAID FUCK OFF, I'M FUCKING TIRED OF BEING HARRASSED BY YOU MIDDLE
AGED WOMEN WITH HEARING PROBLEMS! I DON'T TAKE OR SELL MARIJUANA!"
Middle Aged Woman "*EXCUSE ME*"
Nybar draws a gun "Go the hell away."
Middle Aged Woman "*!EX--"
Nybar fires.
----------------------------------------------
This compisition will be entitled "TAKE TO THE STREETS AND
FUCKING KILL WILLIAM BENNET!!!" (by nybar!)
Nybar cocks a rifle. Jubjub "Nybar, why are you loaded up like some cuban
guerilla ready for jungle warfare?"
Nybar "Why, silly jubjub. I am just going to kill William Bennet."
Jubjub "Oh, I'm soooooo stupid."
Nybar "Why, yes you are."
Jubjub "I need to jerk off now."
Nybar "Ok, into some doughnut dough!"
And thus, our heroes embarked on their fuckin heroic journey.
Jubjub "Nybar, are we going to walk to washington?"
Nybar "Why no jubjub, you aren't!"
Nybar shoots jubjub in the kneecap.
Jubjub "Ouch! You.. faggot!"
Nybar "Well, I am not a bundle of stickS! HEEHEE!"
Nybar walks along mainstreet.. eventually he meets a postal employee
carrying an uzi with murderous intent.
Postal Employee "Go get em broda."
Nybar "Ah, William Bennet! A cunning disguise indeed.."
Nybar fills William Bennet full of holes, and then searches his postman's
tags. They read "John Lennon."
Nybar "Shit, I have turned into Sirhan Sirhan!, oh wait that was rfk.
Fuck, need to masturbate..."
The.......................................................End.
-------------------------------------------------
The next story is about the little house that could! (nybar wrote it!)
The little house that could stood above a prairie. A prairie of EVIL,
WRTECHED,.. LIES!@$@!#% about.. soddom and gommorah. For now, I must teach
you children.. you will learn by sucking my penis. Um....THE END!
------------------------------------------------
THIS IS THE TITLE FucKAH! an informative essay by Nybaretholep the cat.
Gentle reader, dear reader. You have wronged me. For you see, if you sent
a packaged candy korn the address 1800 milk lane, you were in error. I am
not the greatest sand master that has ever appeared. You will lick my
decals off. Anyway, they were distributing this LSD in the form of a
tatoo. The giant dog's of hell tried to bite his dick off. Sue said mary
wept and swept up all of the laden tears of the sons of the father's
children. It's like an "experience" I had whilst at a swimming pool. There
was this lady teaching a bunch of small kids like 2 or 3 how to swim. All
the yuppie parent's were slinking around and trading cell phone numbers.
The swimming teacher said "Hot Dog! Hot Dog! Hot Dog!" I eventually
discovered that hotdog was the command to roll over and take a breath and
then back again. She demonstrated with a barney doll. She rolled it around
quickly and said "See that? That isn't hotdog! He is going around too
quickly to possibly take a breath! That isn't hotdog! That is.. washing
machine! Like.... . to wash your clothes!"
The moral of this story is that swimming teacher's for tots take lessons
from imaginary purple dinozars, that shit their naga with popa. Later, as
I boarded a cab to escape this disgrace, a socialist worker, named
"Parasite", was eating a rat. He said that we was the president of France.
To prove it, he handed me a campaign poster with a small picutre of a
child holding a liberty doll on it. The liberty doll was huge, and what
the actual poster was written on. It had several Chinese men raising their
fists into a large cunt. It said "Vote Crank `86." The.. end.
-------------------------------------------------
Now, let's get into the mind of Flamos Exavier and Flamos King Exavier.
(nybar)
Well, it seems that my crazy brother jubjub, when he was six, met the future president of turkey upon a cab. The future president said to him "Hey. Take ya someplace little kid?" Jubjub said "I will eat you whole!" the turk replied "Of course! The brothel! Sorry mrs. Narvasklitchin, I had trouble recognizing you!"
Jubjub "TIS I!%#@ JUBJUB!"
Cab Driver "Ah hah! It is jubjub."
------- The.. end. ----------
Gullivan's EROTIC Travels -Nybar
Ohh yeah so I decided to get some sluts ahh this is from me, gullivan's,
perspective. Anyway, I needed to get some tight tight pussy to I went to
the land of small pussy that's right all hell broke loose and did you ever
think of that hell being me? Oh yeah so I fucked that nigga up the ass.
Ok, that was just filler, now the story starts for real.
In the sands of time lay buried a set of circumstances that led to the
birth of the marvellous Gullivan, which, in prig latin, means fucking
midget. Now, Gullivan's frail form gradually got smaller until he was a
dwarfish man. He said to his mother "Mother, I must travel sometime. Why,
I am still sucking at your teet!" And it was true! He had been sucking at
her teet constantly for 34 years 245 days. She had known this day had
come, so she called Mr. T in. Mr. T said 'I pity da foo ah take awhy,may
rerunsblahblahblah.." No one being able to understand him, he flew into a
frenzy, and bit through the teet of Mrs. Gullivan (this being a variation
of a move his friend, Mike Tyson (see bibliography) had innovated. When he
rose back up, since he had to bend over to bite the teet off, his mouth
sprayed blood and milk. They called it bilk. Now, they tried to "bilk" me
out of my money in 1964 for some of this, but I was going to Arkansas at
the time.. but that's a different story. Anyway, he rose up spraying
"bilk". And, as the prophet Malduq e Chazbam Khalifah Zan kan Zshi ei Naka
has said "Quote not the prophet, rather let every man choose his own path
to holiness without coercion." In accordance with this, Mr. T chomped a
toad's head off and proceeded to die of cancer. Now that they were both
free, the mother and son both decided to seek sexual gratification. After
humping eachother for 3 hours they both decided they wanted something
different then incest up da yin yang. The mother's need, which was 69
position with a goat, would send her to a far off land. As would poor
Gullivan, with his incredibly small penis. His need was a tight, *ahem*
fit. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. He needed a tight fit. Meaning that he
wanted a vagina that was slim as to produce greater friction and give a
better "ride". Ride meaning penis goes in the va.. fuck it you get the
point. Fuck. Poor Gullivan searched far and wide, but in his whole town he
couldn't find tight "accomadations", even though everyone bared themselves
for him, man, women, and donkey alike. Sighing, he thought "Oh, woe is me
that I should be born in Whore Town, USA." So he put on his best shoes and
set off. Now, as I have hinted at, Gullivan was a short man. He was only 5
feet tall and his penis was ridiculous. Being raised in Whore Town, USA,
hadn't prepared him for the chiding he would get when he hit the road. He
passed a drunk that couldn't get it up. Even this man; flaccid in
perpetuity, mocked him though. It was at this moment that Gullivan
realized that he was going to have to seriously pump his fucking shitty
little penis to ever have a chance of a good fit-- in a world full of
whores, you need a big rod to make any kind of meaningful penetration.
hello, jubjub here. nybar is peeing. i have to poop. goodbye.
Zinboobi's: Episode 1 by George Lucas
A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, there were born two
prodigal sons of man: Ezekial and Abraham Zinboobi. The galaxy trade
federation had forgotten to regulate dildo shipments, so there was a
galactic escalation of universal proportions! It was the clone's versus
the sodomites... and this is the beginning of our story.
[The Naboo desert. The Zinboobi twins are drinking 40's and basically
chillin' chillin]
Ezekial Zinboobi "Someday... I will be a wrestler. Oh yes."
Abraham Zinboobi "Pass that shit, boy."
[Ezekial passes the spliff]
Jub-Jub Binks stepz in.
Jubjub Binkz "Yo mon WHASSSUPPPP? Man, you don't be smoking de GANJA
wit-out tellin' yo FAVRITE alieon mon, dat be me mon, pass dat sheot
homee!"
[Ezekial takes a long hit]
Ezekial "You know, I think, like, my favorite wrestler has to be Goldberg"
Abraham "What the fuck are you talking about?"
Ezekial "You're right. Stone Cold!"
Jubjub Binks "What the hell is he talking about... [takes a puff]"
Ezekial "I admit it... the ROCK is the best. PEOPLE'S ELBOW!"
Abraham "Ok, he's wasted."
Meanwhile, in the Sodomite shipping federation, a costum'd and
makeup'd waif is having a lesbian orgy... Princess Leiah "I know that I am
not born yet, but I would just like to say --- I sold Nybar my belt and I
still wonder when he uses it" Nybar "I told you, I wear it on the weekend"
----
Intermission:
Quentin Tarrintio "Here, Nybar is speaking of his prison-friend Leah, who
allegedly sold him a spiked belt on April 49. You see, she though Nybar
was a straight arrow... what use would he have for a blatantly S$M belt?
Little did she know..."
---
Fear and Loathing in Delaware. by Nybar (story + Nybar battle rhymez) and
Jubjub (eye-tallian battle Rhymez) and Prince Paul + Chub Rock
(Nybar's Crew Rhymez)
----
The Characters: Nybar. Jubjub. Froboy. Loki. Mogel. Kaia(k).
The Scene: Newark Diner. All of the Characters are sitting in a booth,
waiting to be served. They are in the middle of a conversation.
Nybar "So, Jubjub, tell me about your experiences on the road."
Jubjub "Well Nybar... I basically bummed around. Yaknow... kept it on the
realness. Smoked some cess, did some mushrooms, shit like that."
Mogel "You shouldn't do stuff that fucks your body like that man"
Kaia "Shut the fuck up"
Nybar "Woah, Kaia... so host-e-lay!"
Mogel "Ok, listen up. One time, I was walking home from a late movie...
walking home with Kaia. Ok? There was this guy laying on a grate,
because of the warm air coming up, right? He looked tripped out,
but his eyes were completely open, ok? And Kaia said to me, "He's
not going to take this lying down. And then we started cracking
up... and the guy just eyeballed us. So I threw a 20 dollar bill at
him..."
Nybar "Heh, Alan Greenspan giving out economic relief."
Mogel "Um, my name is Freidrich."
Kaia "Yeah, but he has a point."
Mogel "Which is?"
Kaia "Ummmmm.... it's hard to say."
Jubjub "Guys, my water broke."
Nybar "Well, we'll get you another!"
Jubjub "No, my WATER broke!"
Nybar "Oh. [yelling to waitress] GET MY MAN HERE ANOTHER WATER!"
Mogel "Nybar, I think what, ehe, HE, means is that he is pregnant and the
pregnancy... juices just seeped out."
Kaia "He? Pregnancy juices? Mogel, you're sort of, um..."
Nybar "Stupid? Brain-dead? Nerdy guy who sits around masturbating to KRS-1?"
Kaia "YEah, all of the above."
Nybar "Ba-BING!"
J
ubjub "Oh my god... I'm having a baby!"
Nybar "OK! OK! [yelling to waitress] YO, I SAID BRING MY MAN HERE ANOTHER
WATER! HIS WATER BROKE!"
Waitress "SHUT, THE, FUCK, UP!!!!"
Nybar "THAT'S IT!!!"
Nybar runs to the counter
Waitress "Yo Vinny, we got an asshole here... yeah a real schmeckle!"
Vinny "What? A FUCKING ASSHOLE? Yo, you're a RUBE?"
Nybar "Don't call me a rube. My mother called me a rube once... ONCE."
Vinny "YEAH, WELl I'M CALLING YOU IT AGAIN, YA RUBE!!!"
Nybar "FUCK YOU... Ya got that Italian battle shit and think it's hard
core/ But I'm riding you so long your fucking ass is sore/ Put a
pacifier in your mouth cuz you're nothing but a child/ And now my
lyrical stylings will spank you for a while"
Vinny "look at you ya cro-mag ya whole forehead slump / i been rappin'
since you was a child in fact ya whole style is chump / coming at
me with that nybar the cat shit in my face / don't make me bust out
my 6d6 +2 enchanted mace"
Nybar "yo you just another rappah who's style is fuckin' whack / you
couldn't rhyme yo' punk azz way out of a papah sack. / don't step
to me about the dungeons and draggins / cuz like Thresh, yo ass I
will be fraggin'"
Vinny "you come up in to my diner thinking you the boss / i toss yo ass
in the trash like some used dental floss / bossing around my girl
dolores / couldn't make a bitch cum even if you put a vibrator
straight to da clitoris"
Nybar "yo, like Tony da Tiger, my shit is GRRReat / I don't need to
advertise, wit da Mcmann and Tate / I got dumbass niggaz like you
trying to step to this / while I knocking em back like I wuz a
fish / yo I say fuck that, you ain't mothafuckin' black / you best
step back into line, before I'm bustin' capz"
Vinny "i ain't no nigga i'm da eye-talian stalion / rocky stole my shit /
you walk up in here think you deserve a medallion with that tired
ass wit / stains on ya shirt shoes untied lookin' like a slob /
GET THE FOOK OUTTA MY RESTAURANT AND GET A JOB (cosby style flow)"
Nybar "yo, I said I'd bust capz, and now that's what I'll do / I'm about
to keep it real by shootin the fuck outta you"
Kaia, Mogel, Froboy and Loki, still at the table, look aghast at Nybar.
Mogel "What the fuck is going on?"
Nybar "Yo BOYZ! You got mah back or whuz you just frontin'?"
(mr large)
From East to West,
whether your thin or thick
Whether your girl sucks lollis or just pure dick
Mario Puzo said that I'm the don
W-W I'm the shit dot com
The first born, gone, born conceaded
The black Moses, ask me to leave Egypt
Straight heady, I manage heavy, and lolli petty
I gave R. Kelly a Rolex wit a diamond bezzy
Rock Steady, beg me, consider me stern
The original hoodlum, Fishburn had to learn
Supersperm, court's adjorn for the knowledge
(You, you got what I need)
Let her toss your salad, big hittas love to sit wit big figures
I love black people, but I can't stand niggas
The ozz heads, back me, I'll cock shoggy
Ready to hold it down, I pop niggas like acne
Pay a token to breathe
Apollo wit low creed
For every government nigga, there's government cheese
I'm Mr. Please, Mr. LargeThirty foot garage
Mercedes beggy
Mad cheddy
Mr. Elly
(beatboxin' by diehard aka biz markie)
A buncha negros step behind Nybar to get his back
Vinny "y0, yo think dese NEGROEZ can getchya back? Well, this is MAH
FUCKIN' RESTERAUNT! TIME FO' DA BOYZ IN BLUE!"
[Officer O'Maley Bitchkowski / Everlast]
It's the bad lieutenant,
runnin up in your tenament
plantin' evidence on any black resident
New York's largest crew, it's the Men in Blue
we stick together like glue and make lies come true
my name's Officer O'Maley,
I shoot you in the alley
and burn you like a cross at a fuckin' clan rally
I got spics sellin' nicks in the LES
I stay untouchable like my name's Eliot Ness
New York's finest, with a bullet-proof vest
I confiscate the chronic, I let you keep the stresst
hat is unless you wanna try and test
I'm D.T. undercover, I lock up your mother
you're just another brother, you ain't the mafia don
who the fuck's payroll do you think that I'm on?
(His NPD homies): The Police Department is like a crew--it does whatever
it wants to do
the Police Department, we're like a crew--we do whatever we want to do!
The Police Department, it's like a crew--it does whatever it wants to do
the Police Department, it's like a crew--it does whatever it wants to do!"
[Officer O'Maley Bitchkowski / Everlast]
You know this ain't Serpico and you ain't Al P.
I got it locked from Hunter's Point in the Square in AL B.
From Wilmington to Newark to Dover to Bear, the most organized criminals
in Deleware
When we come, we swarm in full uniform
when the blue lights flash stop runnin' your cash
It goes back to the days of Al Caponal and Frank Nitty
illegal business controls the city -
oh what a pity
if your attitudes shity,
fuck my money up kiddin you'll be doin' this bit -
if you spill what I did
I'll pull a pill in your lid
don't get you bustin like a cherry waitin' in the comissery
Ahh, what's this?! Crack!? Is that a gun!? You stupid moule fuck! You're
gonna be doin' some real time son!
"The Police Department is like a crewit does whatever it wants to dothe
Police Department, we're like a crewwe do whatever we want to do!"
[Officer O'Maley Bitchkowski / Everlast]
I raid stairways in the PJs just for thrill
sand pull triggers on niggaz that won't hurt the crills
it's brought up to paper, punk that's the caper
if we make this connection, I'll give you protection
In this year the mayor's up for reelection
so rat out all the competition in your section
In the next day, there will be a drug sweep around your way
so let your crew know, it's time to stay low
keep up in the dough and you get the info on what's goin down and we can
run this town
straight into the ground, while we rise to the top there ain't no such
thing as a dirty cop
cause I plant what I want on any crime scene
I keep my hands clean, you know what I mean"
The Police Department is like a crewit does whatever it wants to dothe
Police Department, we're like a crewwe do whatever we want to do!
The Police Department, it's like a crewit does whatever it wants to dothe
Police Department, it's like a crew..."
Nybar "Yo Vinny man, no mo' talkin just bring it on"
[Wierdly, the Michael Jackson song "Thriller" stars playing. And Mogel is
Michael.]
Mogel jumps up on the diner table and begins moon-walking as Nybar and
Vinny's forces begin fighting.
Intermission:
<n-writing> you know, Mogel, if you were a little whiter, you'd look just
like Michael Jackson End Intermission.
Mogel "It's just a thrillaaa... thrillaa night... you know a zombie is
butt-fucking you when your girl's pussy is too tight... THRILLAAA"
Nybar + his crew and Vinny and his crew begin a choreographed knife fight
sequence.
Pierre (the director) "CUT! CUT! Oh, good HEAVENS! That is ALL WRONG!
Let's try it again"
Kaia "But, we've been working all night"
Jubjub "and I'm STILL having a baby! Dear lord!"
Kaia "Um Jubjub, I don't think anyone is concerned with your petty, greedy
concerns right now"
(Jubjub passes out)
Kaia "That's right... think about what you did."
Nybar "Oh man, when am I going to get back to the swords, man?"
Mogel "Um, I think I broke my ankle moonwalking"
Nybar "ALL OF YOU ARE FIRED EXCEPT MY CREW! LET'S HAVE A SHAOLIN STYLE
SWORDFIGHT"
Pierre "actually, you're fired. All of you. Pack your bags."
All of the Characters begin to pack up and leave.
Pierre eyes the unconcious Jubjub, who has a squirming baby coming out of
his ass.
Pierre "You too asshole."
Jubjub's limp form sits there.
Pierre "Hey. I'm talking to you"
Ackward silence.
Pierre "Ah fuck it. I'm gonna jerk off."
Pierre masurbates and cums on Jubjub's face
[-[ ((( THE ))) ((( END ))) ] - ]
Poupey -- The Soundtrack.
DJ Mastah Killah Fuck yo Mamma up dee Azz "Ooom, da almight MK, from da
NYC, representin' wit Mad Skillz ya'll wit da Goat-bloah posee, here ta
introudce da best MC beside mahself, Nybar da cat."
DJ Smoke da Chronic and den blow yo' sistah "Hey, yo, right now I'm in
Brooklyn, right, but you KNOW I be representin' da Manhattan, aight? And
right here I stand, da best MC, DJ and all-around fuckin' machine of all
time. But next to me, stands my man, Nybar, who also be representin'
Manhattan, wit his boy Jubjub."
DJ Jubjub "Yeah, right now yo' punk azz is sayin', 'true, true.' Well,
from da path of inner truth, we got DJ Mogel in da houzzee!
DJ Mogel, aka da ultimate azz-fuxler "yo, from the day I was born I wuz
workin da turn tablez and fuckin' dem beotches. But my man Nybar didn't
even wait until he was out of the womb, man. I'm'ah pass dis joint to
someone that really has to get yo hardcore respect, DJ Froboy, straight
from the oldschool, coming out of the shadows, the lurker, night-wrecker,
and he's only INTRODUCING my man!"
DJ Froboy, the one wit' da hair, lobster-boy, da cook (representin' wit
mad flavah) "Oh shit, my boy Nybar been busting dope rhymes since he was
sperm, ya'll hear dat? Hey Nybar man, no more talkin jes bring it on!"
(3 hours of William S Burroughs and Oscar Wilde inspired rapping ensue. It is, depending on who you ask, either the best or wosrt album of all time. But one thing can be said for sure... ummm... solipicism, yaknow? The self does exist. Yeah.)
[-[ ((( THE ))) ((( END ))) ] - ]
[This one goes out to my man Froboy. Man, they may have you in prison in
Missouri, where bizotches try to bring you down, but when you wuz rollin'
wit me, you always kept it real. This is for being hardcore and never
stopping the onslaught of dope rhymez that had me shivering for 11 years.
This t-file is dedicated to MY MAN, Froboy. R.I.P., man. <tashy> i just
ate 2 oranges
<n-writing> ...
<n-writing> is this some kind of sexual reference that I'm missing?
<n-writing> or did you ACTUALLY <gurgle> CONSUME 2 REAL ORANGES!!@
uhh EOF
