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rebel anarchistic tendencies 09
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T h e R a t P h i l e s
A Dead Rat Society Publication
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
EDITORIAL
~~~~~~~~~~~
We're back again! Yes, *this* is the official, complete, pure and
unadulterated RAT electronic magazine, issue 9.
RAT has been undergoing a little evolution in the past few months,
we hope for the better. It has officially become 'an electronic
amateur writer's magazine'. Read the officialdom at the end of the
phile for more on that.
Share and enjoy,
The Eds.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
This Month's Exciting Edition Contains the Following Important Items :-
- Editorial
- Mailbox Improvement Service
- Online Games News
- Sale of The Century
- Barbie Dolls
- The Quest for Truth
- Headlines
- Stir Trek 3
- Quotable Quotes
- 15 Ways to Annoy a Sysop
- IF
- Kiddies Korner
- Officialdom Stuff
- Credits
- BBS Listings
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Are you jealous of your neighbors newly painted letter box?
Is your ordinary green mailbox looking decidely unoriginal?
Does the postman yawn when he delivers your letters?
Why not call...
* * * LACHY'S MAIL BOX IMPROVEMENT SERVICE! * * *
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| ========= | / |\{!@*$===[]===@$$|?/
|_________________|/ |YARRASUX!%@$_$@@!|/
| | | | | |
| | | | | |
| | | | | |
| | | | | |
| | | | | |
| | | | | |
| | | | | |
| | | | | |
_\]| | |/._ _\]| | |/._
.-=+[{"[;]{//_ .-=+[{"[;]{//_
B E F O R E A F T E R
The complete letter box repainting service.
In the latest fashion colours: bright red, bright yellow and bright pink.
Call now. (03) 794-7949. First fifty customers receive a free
genuine Lachy fish shirt and matching tie.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
ON-LINE GAME NEWS!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hey folks..there is a new online game out.. called Global Destruction...
Here's a sample printout..
___________________________________________________________________________
|o| |o|
|o| |o|
|o| |o|
|o| Welcome to Global Destruction! |o|
|o| ------------------------------ |o|
|o| |o|
|o| |o|
|o| Locating your account details.. Yes! You're that dweeb from MELB,VIC.|o|
|o| |o|
|o| Things that have happened since your last call: |o|
|o| |o|
|o| |o|
|o| SADDAM HUSSEIN (Player 1) invaded KUWAIT with three armies. |o|
|o| KUWAIT lost a few thousand peasants. SADDAM HUSSEIN captured |o|
|o| OIL RESERVES. In response, GEORGE BUSH (Player 2) sent four |o|
|o| armies into SAUDI ARABIA, in fear of losing more OIL RESERVES, |o|
|o| and thus running out of OIL to give to his ARMIES. |o|
|o| |o|
|o| UNITED NATIONS has issued 3 commendations to GEORGE BUSH, |o|
|o| for being AMERICAN. |o|
|o| |o|
|o| |o|
|o| It's your move, SADDAM HUSSEIN: |o|
|o| |o|
|o| Your command? MURDER THE UNHOLY BASTARDS WITH THE WRATH OF ALLAH! |o|
|o| |o|
|o| |o|
|o| Calculating move..... |o|
|o| |o|
|o| |o|
|o| You unleash the power of ALLAH upon the world and start a |o|
|o| HOLY WAR. Casualties across MIDDLE EAST, millions die. You |o|
|o| gain 5 kilometres of land. |o|
|o| |o|
|o| You receive 0 commendations, because you're not AMERICAN. |o|
|o| |o|
|o| |o|
|o| |o|
|o|_______________________________________________________________________|o|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Are you working too hard?
Is the boss asking you to complete too many things?
Are you not getting paid a full days wage for your half day work?
Is the stress of a broken coffee machine just too much?
How about a career change?
Why not become..
a university lecturer.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
$$$
$$$$
$$$$
$$$
$$$ $$$
$$$$$$
$$ $$$$ $$$
$$$ $$$ $$$
$$$ $$$$$
$$$$$ $$$ $$$
$$$$ $$$ $$$
$$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ $$$
$$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ $$$
$$$$$ $$$ $$$$$ $$$$$
$$$ $$ $$$$$ $$$ $$$
$$$ $$$$ $$$
$$$ $$$ $$$ $$$ of the
$$$$ $$$ $$$ CC
$$$ CCCCCC CCCCC CC CC CCCCCC CC CC CCCCCC CC CC
$$ $$$ CC CC CC CCCC CC CC CC CC CC CC CC CC
$$$$$$$ CC CCCC CC CCCC CC CCC CC CC CCCCCC CCCC
$$$ CC CC CC CC CCC CC CC CC CC CC CC
$$$ CCCCCC CCCCC CC CC CC CCCCCC CC CC CC
$$$ CC
FX: Play jingle, flash lights, etc...
[ Enter compere, Lachy Maher, dressed in a garish bright shirt and matching
fish tie. He runs around the stage a lot, waves arms, and acts like a
real idiot. ]
LACHY: Hi folks!
AUDIENCE: Hi Lachy!
[ Audience cheers...]
[ Lachy stops, smiles like a used-car salesman, and then positions himself
behind the compere's desk. ]
LACHY: Hey, a funny thing happened on the way to the studio tonight!
I was walking across the studio carpark when this flying saucer
landed and out hopped all these 3 feet tall aliens, and they said
to me ... "take me to your ladder !"
[audience cheers and claps loudly]
And now, introducing the lovely.... Mr. Jordan!
[ Enter Mr. Jordan, dressed in a strapless evening gown..]
LACHY: Why, you're looking lovely as usual tonight, Mr. Jordan.
JORDY: Why thankyou Tony.. err i mean Lachy. Did you know, a funny thing
happened on the way here tonight..
LACHY: What was that, Jordy ?
JORDY: I was walking across the studio carpark, and there was a flying
saucer there, and all these short green aliens started asking me
if I knew where they could buy sunglasses !
[audience cheers and claps loudly]
LACHY: Hey, why don't you introduce our guests tonite, Jordy?
JORDY: Sure thing Lachy. Our carry-over champion tonite is Inki. She's a
mother of four, a sysop and convicted bibliophile.
[Audience cheers..]
JORDY: Our second contestant tonite is a man who likes to spend his time
writing programs for his Amiga 500, growing beards and pretending
to be an intellectual. Say hi to Daaaaave Seikel!
[ Audience cheers..]
Our final contestant is the founder of the Mr.Jordan fan club,
a DragNet representative and part time sysop. It's Handyman!
[ Audience boos, hisses..]
LACHY: Buzzers ready.. here we go..
Ok, what is the capital of Victoria?
FX: Bzzzz!
DAVE: Melbourne?
FX: Bzzzz!
INKI: Perth?
FX: Bzzzz!
HANDY: Darwin?
LACHY: All wrong! Its actually about three dollars fifty.
Next question... Who am I?
FX: Bzzzz!
DAVE: Lachy Maher.
LACHY: Correct.
Where do you find virgin wool?
FX: Bzzzz!
DAVE: On ugly sheep?
FX: Bzzzz!
INKI: Anywhere but New Zealand?
LACHY: Hmm.. I think I'll skip that one.
Ok, now for the bonus points, Which is the best BBS software ?
FX: Bzzzz!
INKI: SuperBBS!
FX: Bzzzz!
HANDY: RemoteAccess!
FX: BRRRRRINGGGGGGGGG!
LACHY: Oh, dear, that's the bell for the end of the round, and we're
right out of time, I guess we'll just have to wait till next time to
find out the answer to that one ... say Good Night, Jordy !
JORDY: Good Night Jordy !
FX: [lights dim until only the silhouettes of host, hostess and
contestants can be seen. The contestants are obviously arguing
about the answer to the last question. Music plays as screen fades
to black.]
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
BARBIE DOLLS !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Handyman's view!
I loathe Barbie and her simpering ways.
I also know that there will never be a real-life Barbie, for who
would buy her?
Can you imagine young girls adoring and adorning anorexic Barbie,
the doll that comes with a complete set of out-sized clothes and
detachable hair?
Or could you see a rush on obese Barbie, the doll that couldn't
fit into her own doll's house?
Or how about working-mum Barbie, the doll that comes with a
special support to prop her at the sink at the end of the day?
And who would buy feminist Barbie, the doll that not only paints
her own town-house, and fixes her own dream car, but also, at the
press of a button, propositions Ken?
As I look at the future of the Barbie doll, my only hope is that
somehow, peaches 'n' cream Barbie ends up in the same box as
Skeletor (the evil lord of destruction) - and that he rips her
bloody arms off.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
In The Quest For Truth
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nothing is certain
Nothing is done
Nothing is over
When you think you've won
Everything changes
Everything moves
Whoever remembers
Yesterdays news?
Life philosophies change
With each clock chime
Believing in something
Not entirely devine
A constant idea
Warms and secures
One day it will blow away
And return will your fears
Arrogant you stand
Believing in right
Little do you know
How pitiful your plight
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was scrounging around the RAT archives a few days ago, and lo-and-behold
look what I found! Over the years some of our editors have been collecting
newspaper articles about members of the society! And what revelations!
(Unfortunately, these articles were stored on top of the heater near the
air moisteriser and have deteriorated slightly... )
+-------------------------------+
| {__
| Aphelia Bottom Confesses.. |
| |
| I SLEPT WITH A NINJA TURTLE! |
| | _____________________________________
| "Yes, its true", she confessed, | I I
| openly sobbing infront of RAT | I POLICE CRACKDOWN ON PAEDOPHILES I
| news reporters."But it was hot!"| I Inka Princess arrested! I
| "I never thought Turtles would_{ I I
| have such large _/-----------' I News just at hand has revealled I
| "Even his ____{' I Police raided a house in Doveton I
| lasted _/` I earlier today, and arrested I
| +-----/ I a known paedophile. As well, the I
|_/ +------------------------I Police confiscated $1000 in I
| I computer equipment, believed I
| Masked Avenger and FeaI to be used by paedophiles to I
| I make contacts. Inspector Image I
| Secret Love Affair!I was on the scene when reporters I
| I_=_-=---=__+_=___+==__==-___--++_--I
+-------------------------------+in bed with |
| RAT 150 HITS TOP OF |photographs of |
| BEST SELLER LIST |holding his nude |
| ---------------- |together in bath | +--------------------{
| |naked. The secret | | GIRL, 19, COMMITS_{
| The 150th edition of the |shared. "I lov_____{ | SUICIDE _{
| RAT philes has been selling |and will neve{ | {
| like hot-cakes in Europe and |nd." ___{ | Shocking news{
| the USA, as well as Australia|age 2____{ | heartbroken m{
| From humble beginnings as an |____{ | Many boyfrie{
| electronic hobby-writers mag-| | said Matthe{
| azine, distributed on a few | | Serious.__{
| local Bulletin Boards, the | | Yarra__{
| phenomenon that is the rat | | Suc_{
| philes has gone on to take | | X{
| world by storm. | |_{
+-------------------------------+
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
z z
z zz z z
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___ ________________________________z
___________.+===-+.____________ O\\]] ] ] ] ] ] ] D/
\_..._____ ..... _____.. || `~~~~========== ~~~~~~~====
~`~~|_|~~~|.....\. / |==
z \ .. .\. / _ / ' zz
zz \ ____\. / //
zz |: -----\__|_./_________
z /.~......o ........./\ z
):: .. ... . ./__' z z
`\\. oooo ___'
~_____----""~
z
zz z z
PROLOGUE:
After capture during his attempt to hi-jack the EgoPrise, Doctor McCoy
(played by Doc) faced the supreme Federation Of Planets court, where
he was tried and found guilty on all counts of wilfully rigging the
story-line for his own endeavours. He was sentenced to thirteen years
on the Prison-Planet BetelSoup IV, were it was hoped he may reform so
one day he may return to his position as doctor on the U.S.S.Egoprise.
Although a lot of attention was paid to the trial of Doctor McCoy,
(and yes, it was very trying..) this was not the only trouble that
StarFleet Command was left to sort out. The two Space Pirates,
(Super Boy & Handyman) together with the corrupted Mr.Jordan (Mr.Jordan),
had eluded StarFleet Security and still roamed the galaxy as outlawed
programmers.
And so our story continues...
----------------------
Somewhere deep within the vastness of inter-stellar space, a rust-pitted
space-DeLoreon was sneaking up behind a cruising shuttle.
So sneaky was this move, in fact, that only one sort of low-down
space-garbage scum would ever attempt it.
Yes. We're talking contract-programming space pirates.
"Keep to da left!", cried Superboy, the evil space-pirate, as he slid
further back into his pilot seat, chewing on a lollipop and re-adjusting his
glasses. Handyman fidgeted nervously, and sat upright at the controls.
Into the room walked a gorgeous young woman (aka Mr.Jordan). She was dressed
in a pretty pink space-suit, the sort of outfit you'd expect out of a family
space pseudo-sci-fi series they fill in the hours between kiddies television
and the news on weekends, designed to show the femininity of the wearer, and
so increase the viewing audience to include more 'scientifically interested'
adult males.
"You shouldn't pick on him like that!", she said, pushing the short Super Boy
back into his seat. Her attention switched to the nervous pilot.
"Here, I brought you some more lollipops."
Super Boy sat upright. Between sucks, he asked, "Where do you get these things?
They're delicious.."
"Oh, ", replied the girl, blushing. "These men who call themselves 'bbs users'
keep sending them through the mail. I haven't got the heart to refuse all of
them.". She held up a rather large red one. "I got this really big one from
an Inter-planetary Yellow-taxi driver!"
A light on the controls began to flash.
"Holy disk-crash!", cried Handyman. "A Federation Starship has just entered
this sector!".
Super Boy stayed cool. "Relax, man. How would they know what we're up to?
We're just a bunch of lowly out-of-work COBOL programmers cruising this
sector for a summer vacation. What's wrong with that?"
"This is a highly restricted security zone sector.", argued Handyman. "We're
carrying a thermo-nuclear device. We're also outlawed space-pirates, our
faces have been plastered on every Federation bulletin-board this side of The
Black Hole. It's winter. And we couldn't program in COBOL if our lives
depended on it."
"Hey, why spoil a good story with a few basic facts !?"
The onboard computer interrupted the philosophical discussion with its
distinctly feminine articulate voice.
"The shuttle you have been following is now fully in the tractor beam,
and you may now board this craft. Have a nice day."
-------------------
Meanwhile, not far away, the U.S.S.Egoprise was orbiting a rather dull red
planet called BetelSoup IV.
Sulu (played by Yuen Ho), a StarFleet programmer extraordinaire,
was busily monitoring radio freqeuncies. He beamed emphatically, in the
knowledge his name had been recently added to the honours board of the
StarFleet Academy, for his bravery on Planet Reknaw in the last adventure.
A light on Sulu's console began to flash. For a moment Sulu ignored it,
believing that the light was just flashing in honour of him, but soon
his rationality caught up and accelerated past his ego and he reluctantly
shifted his eyes to the warning message that had appeared.
"Captain, check this out!", he suddenly cried.
Kirk (Rob Judd) came rushing to Sulu's side.
"Quick, get a scan on that!", ordered Kirk. "Nurse, nurse! Where is that damn
nurse..?"
A sweet, gay voice sounded from the turbo lift. "Here I am, Capt'n dearest!
Are you ready to play Doctor's & Nurses? But remember, I'm the Doctor now!"
Nurse Chappel (Inka Princess) entered the Bridge.
Kirk resisted. "Prepare yourself for a mission. Sulu has reported a break-out
down on the prison planet BetelSoup IV, and if we want to keep our contract
with the MGM studios, we'd better get ourselves involved."
Uhura (Amy Morris) lit up. "Another mission?", she queried, peering
up from a pile of medical manuals, dictonaries and other intellectual
publications. "Can I come this time?"
The Captain could hardly say no to the sweet face. "Yeah, I guess so.", he
answered. Then, glancing down at Uhura's feet, corrected himself. "But not
while you're wearing those bunny slippers!".
"Chekov, take the helm." he ordered, regaining control. "Sulu, I'll
want you too. And Spock.. has anybody seen Spock recently?"
"Eer...", stammered Chekov (Maelstrom), "I think he was working on that
damn adventure he discovered in that radio transmission we received a few
days ago. You know.. the one where you have to dodge the guards and escape
out of the prison complex.."
-------------------
Kirk found Spock (played by Gordon Walker) in his quarters, hunched over a
glowing computer terminal.
"Waddchadoin?", asked Kirk, always intrigued by what Spock was doing. This
was because, inevitably, whatever Spock was doing was vitally important to
the story. Otherwise Spock wouldn't be doing it. Kirk pondered for a moment
about this logic, and the words 'bloody Vulcans' seemed to float around
inside his head for a brief moment.
"I'm playing an adventure game, Captain.", came the monotone reply.
Kirk was impressed. "And you do this to analyse the command interpreter flux
and its effect on the multi-IO interfaced logic vector parser right?"
"Exactly, Captain. And as a result I have solved the adventure."
"Oh", responded Kirk. "What happens then?"
"You escape from the prison in a shuttle, and fly away."
"Sounds great fun", said Kirk, as he pondered the other hundred and one
mindless things Spock had achieved in the name of science. "Well I hate to
break up this party, but we've got another story brewing. A guy has just
broken out of the prison on planet BetelSoup IV and we're gonna catch him."
-------------------
"We really shouldn't be doing this.", stammered Handyman, as the three
pirates stepped into the hull of the captured shuttle.
"Hey, chill out man... ", replied Superboy, as he attacked a security door
with a sonic crowbar. "We're pirates remember. We do these sort of things."
"Anyway", added Mr Jordan, "we'll never gain Ultimate Dominance unless we
go through with this."
"Uh.. I guess so.. ", mumbled the submissive Handyman.
-------------------
Ultimate Dominance, readers are reminded, is the concept of complete and
utter power over everything in existence. Once obtained, every particle in
the universe is placed under your control, nothing may touch you, everything
exists only for the benefit of you. In essence, nifty way to spend a summer
holiday.
The concept of Ultimate Dominance was considered by the Gods as so hugely
mega powerful that they declared that no mortal must obtain it. The knowledge
of how one may achieve Ultimate Dominance was to remain forever with the
Gods.
But a young rebel God, called Elkor Cornelius, thought it would be funny if
he released the knowledge upon the world. And so he descended from the
heavens, and wrote the knowledge onto a tablet, then hid it somewhere on the
surface of a largely insignficant blue-green planet in the Milky Way Galaxy.
He declared that anyone desperate enough to search out and find the tablets
deserved the knowledge.
Many of the great plunderers of history have sought to possess the tablet,
and interpret its writings. First there was Rameses II, the great Pharoah of
Egypt. However, the Egyptians could not read the tablet, and buried it in
a tomb, declaring it 'as confusing as hieroglyphics'.
A savage conqueror from Alpha Centauri, Moses, was the next mortal to
possess the tablets. However, on the voyage back to his space-ship in
Palestine, some religious fanatics stole the ark that contained it and
took off into the desert leaving Moses with little more than some sour
bread and a recipe to make more.
And so the great megalomaniacs of history have searched for the tablet.
Alexander The Great, Julius Caesar, Napoleon, Adolf Hitler, and Zero Hour.
But alas they never found the tablet, and most died as mere conquerors of a
rather insignificant blue-green planet in the Milky Way Galaxy, and not
much else.
Still the knowledge of Ultimate Dominance remains only to the Gods. The
tablet remains undiscovered. Many now believed Elkor never did created the
tablet, after all, would you believe a DragNet user?
-------------------
"But how is raiding this shuttle going to help us achieve Ultimate
Dominance?", persisted Handyman.
"Because, Erk-brain, we must first obtain the sacred tablets of Elkor.",
taunted SuperBoy. "Sheesh, didn't you learn anything in cyber-school?"
"I'm sorry", sobbed Handyman, "but I was so busy calling up bulletin-boards
to convince the SysOps to join DragNet I failed Year 11 and dropped out."
"Well", continued Supes, "there is a legend that the sacred tablets of Elkor
were in fact the same sacred tablets held in The Temple Of Doccism in
Jerusalem, on that insigificant little blue-green planet in the Milky-way
Galaxy. And so, by kidnapping the head guru of the Doccism religion, the
right dishonourable Doctor McCoy, and extracting his brain and retrieving
his knowledge, we shall, without fail, attain the knowledge held on the
sacred tablets of Elkor!"
"B-bb-but how is raiding this space-shuttle going to help us?", babbled
the mightily confused Handyman.
"Because, you insigificant downloading Cafe-user, Doctor McCoy is in fact
aboard this ship!"
At last the shuttle door gave way in a display of smoke and sparks, and the
three space-pirates carefully stepped into a deserted silver corridor..
-------------------
Beaming down onto a planet was something Captain Kirk enjoyed most of
all out of all the things he got to do as Captain of the U.S.S.Egoprise.
It was a really kinky feeling, having each and every molecule in your
body zapped, forced into energy, shot over zillions of metres, and
reformed into molecules again within a few brief seconds.
Together with Lt. Uhura, Nurse Chapel, Spock, Sulu and Chekov, Kirk lead the
team across a sandy desert towards a silver city on the horizon. But Sandy
didn't like being stood on, so they walked on the gravel instead.
As they passed through the city gate, noticeably wide open, Spock took
particular interest in a rather odd multi-coloured letter box standing
not far from the gate.
Inside the city walls, the team were astounded to find the prison-city,
(well, this was a prison-planet..) more of a leisure centre than a
place to soften hard criminals. There were swimming pools, tennis courts,
lots of bikini clad women and Chippendales, cocktail bars, restaurants,
even MacDonalds. Paradise, it seemed.
"Greetings, welcome to Betelsoup IV, the prison-planet with a difference!",
said a tall red-haired man wearing a psychedelic shirt. (Lachy Maher of
course)
"You're the man in-charge of this prison, I presume?", questioned Kirk.
"Why, sure I am. Here, come and rest by the pool with me. Bring your
friends, they look like they need a drink too."
Kirk paused for a moment. His mother warned him about people like this.
But the drink sounded better.
As they moved towards the pool, they passed a young couple engaged in
earnest conversation. It was Ivan, chatting up yet another nubile, young
female.
"You see, I used to be a hacker, I carded, phreaked, and all that .." he
was explaining as they walked past.
"I see," the girl replied, "So you've been sent here as a punishment for
hacking crimes ?"
"No, for bullshitting about it afterwards .... "
-------------------
In the shade of a large umbrella by the pool, Kirk leaned back in his
chair and sipped a brightly-coloured cocktail, and asked "By the way,
we actually came here to respond to your distress signal." Kirk added,
"It appears you have an escaped prisoner."
"Impossible!", proclaimed the Yarra Valleyian. "Nobody escapes from this
Prison Planet!"
"But", stammered Nurse Chappel, "the front gates were left wide open.
A prisoner could just walk right out."
Lachy was undeterred. "Ah! But we don't need to shut the gates. Because our
prisoners don't WANT to leave. We offer them spas, saunas, bikini-clad
women, give them a real resort to live in, and so they won't resort to
escaping. This place IS an escape! In fact, I'd place my life on the fact
that no prisoner would wish not to be imprisoned here. Why, the whole
reason we have guards is to prevent them getting back in once their
sentences are served !"
"But", argued Nurse Chappel "doesn't that .. sort of.. defeat the purpose
of having prisons? Like, their supposed to stop people committing crimes..
not encourage more!"
Kirk butted in, before logic could ruin the storyline, "Hang on.. wasn't
this where that evil Doctor McCoy was being held? Yes - I remember. He was
sentenced here. A complete one, with adjectives, nouns, predicates and even
an adverb. Hmmm.. I wonder how he is coping."
A tinge of redness seemed to creep across Lachy's face. "D-d-d-doctor
Mc-c-Coy did y-you s-s-say?"
"Why", responded Kirk, "is there anything wrong with my former friend and
employee?"
"He is kept over there...", stammered Lachy, pointing to a large concrete
bunker not far away. "He.. he doesn't seem to be affected by all this, and
we had to lock him up properly. It seems there is something outside these
walls more important than pools, spas, cocktails and bikini-clad women."
"I find that hard to believe..", commented Sulu, as his gaze followed
a nice tempting figure walking past. "Hmm... I think I've been spending too
much time with my computer.. "
Suddenly a little boy came running up to Lachy. "Sir! Sir!", blabbed
Black Wizard, "Doctor McCoy has escaped!"
"WHAT!?", cried Lachy, breaking out into a bright red. "How did he get
off the planet?"
"In a stolen space-shuttle.", replied the boy.
"To the EgoPrise!", commanded Kirk. "Scotty, beam us up !"
-------------------
Doc was happy for once. That deviant plan to write an adventure game about
the prison, and send it off in a radio tranmission, was brilliant. And to
his luck, some poor sod had received the transmission, and played the
adventure, and solved it for him.. So he followed the solution, and escaped
in a space-shuttle. And so now he was free. Free once more! Now he could
resurrect his mastermind plan for world domination..
However, the pyrotechnic destruction of the rear panel of the shuttle cockpit
was not something Doc had included in his calculations. Nor was the concept
of being held kidnapped by three teenage space pirates and carted off into
a daggy rusted space-Dolorean. In fact, the whole idea of being tied down
onto a bench and electrodes placed on his skull, in an effort to extract
the knowledge in his brain, was something entirely contrary to his plans.
-------------------
Not far away in interstellar space, (well, in interstellar space distances
at any rate), a StarFleet vessel was cruising the hyper-space-way. On board,
commanders Brigitte and Matty Lambert were having a quiet philosophical
discussion.
"Oh, I'm sure out there, in that big inter-stellar space, there is somebody
who believes in true love..", sighed Brigitte as she gazed out the cockpit
window.
"Ha!", laughed the cynical Matty. "True love!? - You have to be joking!
You've as much chance of finding that as the Cafe has of getting new
menus !"
"But..", continued Brigitte in her red teddy-bear StarFleet uniform, "don't
you reckon that someone, somewhere out there, has a heart of gold - and a
body to match - who will devote their lives to another human being, sharing
and joining their lives, forever faithful, forever trusting.. and every day
you can wake up, feeling great in the knowledge that there is somebody in
this world who will be there when you need them, always ready to drop things
just to say 'hi'.. someone you can say anything to and they won't use it
against you.. someone who becomes part of you, but still far enough away to
retain your individuality.. someone you can trust the world with.. someone
you can depend on.."
Brigitte paused for a moment.
"I see your point.", she finally conceded.
"Oops !" said Matty, blushing. He turned away and adjusted his uniform before
continuing...
"Look!", he cried in newfound excitement, "Up there! It's a space-pirate
Dolorean raiding a shuttle.."
"Let's stop them!", added Brigitte, as she pushed down hard on the
accelerator.
-------------------
Stopping them was something Doc was also hoping for, in increasing demand.
Secured firmly onto a bench with straps, several electrodes connected to
his skull, combined with comforting words from Mr. Jordan about "high
voltages" did not build a particularly desirable picture for him. In fact,
right now he wished he was back on BetelSoup IV in that concrete bunker,
designing new shirt patterns for Lachy with a mandelbrot generator.
As Super Boy and Handyman surveyed Jordan's handywork, she worked a computer
on the side wall. "Increasing Phase I power now..", she echoed.
Doc's torso jolted.
"OUCH!" he cried.
"Hmm.." said Super Boy. "Interesting reaction."
Handyman butted in. "What's the readin', Jordy?"
Mr.Jordan surveyed the computer screen. "We just touched his outer conscious
neural circuits. Adventure game writing methods. Bulletin board numbers.
Unix super-user account passwords.. Just garbage."
"Try some more voltage.", suggested Super Boy.
"Nooo!!!!" cried Doc.
Doc's torso jolted again.
"OUUUCCH!!", he cried, in undeniably excruciating pain.
"How could you do this to me??", Doc wailed. "Supes... my friend.. pal..
after all the bulletin board programs I wrote for you.. after I lent
you all my Peter Juliff programming books.. why.. I even taught you
how to program in Pascal.."
Super Boy turned to Jordan. "What does the scanner show now?"
"Oh.. not much better..", she sighed. "We pierced his minor subconciousness
neural matrix this time.. Just useless stuff on how to write IO units in
Turbo C. Hey, there's even a guide to running bulletin boards here... OH,
it just says "don't". Strange."
Doc wailed some more. "Handy.. you great stud.. remember the good old days..
you-know.. when dragnet had real users leaving mail.. and interstate mail
actually got through.. "
And some more. "Jordy.. my sweet love.. apple of mine eye.. how could you..
argggh.. I've been used again!"
"More voltage coming up!", suggested Jordan. "There! Maximum voltage!"
Doc was now experiencing pain. [Good ! -Ed] And I mean PAIN. In fact, the
pain he experienced was ranked amongst the top ten experiences of pain in
the history of deviant sexual activity. More painful than when The Masked
Avenger discovered he was actually Taxi Cab's alter ego. More excruciating
than when Inka Princess saw Decadence go offline for more than an hour. More
terrible than the moment Zero Hour realised he wasn't in fact God. [He's
realised ? -Ed] And boy did it feel bad.
Super Boy cackled. "Har har.. soon I shall have the knowledge.. and the
power.."
"Hey, ", said the startled Handyman, "I thought this was 50/50!"
Jordan jumped up in alarm. "WHAT!? You double-crossing Cafe-holics! What
about ME!?"
"Aaaaaaaarrrrrgghhhhhh", cried Doc.
-------------------
Although the secret to Ultimate Dominance was etched into a stone tablets,
no mortal who possessed the tablets had ever been able to interpret them.
That was, until the demi-God Doctor McCoy had laid eyes upon the words.
However, rather than instantly obtaining pure and utter dominance over
everything, which any mortal would have instanteously done, the demi-God
started a religion instead. It's called Doccism.
Current statistics show that the entire population of Doccism believers
totals a big zero, excluding its founder Doctor McCoy.
Which says something about university students.
Distraught in the knowledge that nobody believed in his ultimate teachings,
the demi-God returned to living a mortal existence, got drunk in a sleazy
niteclub and woke up a member of StarFleet academy. Which was novel in one
sense, because everyone else in that niteclub who was drunk that night
ended up laid. Which isn't very novel for niteclubs.
-------------------
Hassling Brigitte was what Matty enjoyed most of all of the things he got
to do as Commander of his StarFleet vessel. And right now he was doing just
that. What a horrible little arrogant chauvanistic bastard. Then again, he
did go to Yarra Valley.
"Can't you drive properly!?", he whined. "Bloody women drivers!"
Brigitte had had just enough. She let go of the controls, ripped off her
StarFleet badge, stood up, and promptly said, "I quit."
"I'll never find true love working for a little arrogant chauvanistic bastard
StarFleet commander like you.. I'm off. And I'm leaving too.."
And she did.
Moments later the ship echoed with a shudder as a space-pod shot out
of the docking bay in a fury of gaseous exhaust.
Matty paused, then glanced at the vacant controls, then up at the screen
displaying the void of interstellar space. He glanced back at the controls.
There were a lot of buttons, knobs, dials, and flashing things. In fact,
there were far too bloody many buttons, knobs, dials and flashing things,
more than Matty liked. Sighing deeply, Matty contemplated the years spent at
StarFleet academy, the long and arduous hours of studying flight navigation,
or at least, in Matty's situation, the long and arduous hours he spent
contemplating studying flight navigation. It had all been alright since then,
Brigitte was always there to navigate the ship.
Slowly it dawned on Matty, that actually he didn't have a flaming clue how
to navigate this ship.
And so, with sincere concern, Matty watched as his space-vessel
plummeted through space, towards a rather dull reddish planet that
slowly increased in size on the scanner.
He screamed in terror and passed out.
-------------------
Matty smelt suncream. Matty heard laughter, glasses clinking together, water
splashing. Matty opened his eyes. He screamed, and shut them instantly.
Ever so cautiously, Matty raised his left eyelid a fraction. Then some more.
The other eye followed suit.
"Sorry if I startled you.", said Lachy, as he put on a cardigan over his
psychadelic shirt. The whole area around him went a little darker.
"Where am I?", whined Matty, rubbing his eyes. He sniffed again, and caught
a whiff of burning petrol. He turned, and not far away lay the burning
wreckage of his beloved StarFleet vessel.
"Planet Betelsoup IV, the prison with a difference!" exclaimed Lachy,
glad to find someone he could say that to again.
Matty reflected, there was something he was supposed to be doing.
"Brigitte...", he remembered. "I've got to find her! If I don't.. and mummy
finds out, I'll be in real trouble!"
-------------------
"Admiral Plato, requesting to board ship.", echoed the speaker
on the wall of the bridge, aboard the U.S.S. Egoprise.
"Permission granted.", replied Uhura into her microphone.
A nearby turbo lift shuddered, and opened to the sound of air compression.
"Great!", said the Admiral, as he strode onto the bridge. "Finally I'm
going to get more than three lines in the story!"
"Sorry sir", said Uhura, "but the Captain and the crew are not here. Doc's
stolen shuttle has been captured, and they've all left to join the boarding
party. And after the festivities they'll join the team entering the
craft and arrest Doc. They won't be back for at least another three pages."
"Shit!"
-------------------
On through interstellar space the Dolorean rocketed. Jordy was at the
controls.
Glancing briefly behind her, she checked on her three prisoners, Handyman,
Super Boy and Doc, as they squirmed and protested against the knots that
held them tied to the back-wall. A servo-bot sat obediently at their feet,
phasor trained on them, waiting patiently for any one of them to make
a threatening move.
"What are you going to do with us?", questioned Handy.
"Wait and see!", she cried, in the high pitched tone of a maniac possessed.
She slipped a Julian Lennon CD into a slot on the control deck, and
tortured the three prisoners some more.
"Nooo! Nooo!", they cried. "Anything but Julian Lennon!"
"O.K.!", agreed Jordy. She popped out the Lennon album, and swapped it for
Bros's Greatest Hits.
"Noooooooooooooooo!", the three cried. "Julian Lennon! Julian Lennon!"
Slowly the Dolorean approached an insignificant blue-green planet.
"Why, that's Earth!", exclaimed Doc.
"What's so great about that little lump of dirt?", queried Supes.
"Nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.", offered Doc.
Jordy cackled to her self, and rubbed her hands together. Soon she would
be landing there, and entering the sacred temple of Doccism. With the help
of the three bumbling buffoons, she would be obtaining the tablets that
held the secret to Ultimate Dominance. And Doc - she would convince him
to interpret the tablets for her, and then... har har har... Ultimate
Dominance would be hers! Finally!
-------------------
"HE'S GONE!", exclaimed Kirk, Spock, Nurse & Sulu in unison.
The four StarFleet personnel stood in disbelief, staring at the empty chair
that sat infront of the controls of Doc's shuttle.
"Da plot thickens...", echoed Sulu.
"Search this joint..", ordered Kirk. "I want clues."
The four began a systematic search of the cockpit.
"Hey what's this!", exclaimed Nurse Chapel. She held up a small white
fragment. "It looks like plaster!"
"Hmm..", contributed Kirk, "do you know what I'm thinking?"
Nurse Chapel slapped Kirk.
"Nooo, mean I think I know who did this!", exclaimed Kirk, rubbing a
swelling eye.
"WHO?", the three crew members cried.
"Mr Jordan, the arch evil space pirate! And I bet I know what she's doing,
kidnapping Doc! Quick - Back to the EgoPrise! We must stop her!"
-------------------
The wind howled in Palestine, thrashing sand particles back and forth across
the desert plains. And on through the sandstorm trudged four figures.
Nobody in their right mind would trudge through a Palestinian sandstorm.
That is, unless, they had a very good reason to do so.
Ultimate Dominance, it would seem, was a very good reason.
Soon the four figures had reached their destination. And it was huge.
Massive. Extraordinarily enourmous. Big, even. A set of stone pillars rose
out of the sandstorm, like a cliff beside the sea, dwarfing the four
figures as they stood back in awe.
"My temple..", announced Doc, as he showed the way for the others to enter.
Footsteps echoed as the four clamboured down some mighty steps into
the athaneum. It was an impressive temple, with mighty pillars, a towering
roof so high one could barely work out the drawings etched there. In the
middle sat a dais, with some old crumbling tablets on display.
Mr Jordan rushed to the dais. "The sacred tablets of Elkor!", she exclaimed,
in delight.
"Intepret them, Doc!", she ordered.
Doc wavered.
"I can't.", he mumbled.
"Do it. Or I'll shoot these sysops here.", she replied, pointing her
phasor menacingly at the two helpless space pirates.
"Interpret them! Interpret them!", Superboy and Handyman cried, anxiously.
"B...b..but I can't..", persisted Doc, "if I did... it would mean..."
"It would mean I would obtain Ultimate Dominance! Yes! Yes!", cried MJ.
"Oh well..", sighed Doc. He cleared his throat. "To obtain Ultimate
Dominance, one must first.."
Suddenly...
"PARTY'S OVER DUDES!", cried a voice from behind. Out from behind a pillar
jumped Sulu, brandishing a pair of sais.
Nurse Chapel, Kirk and Mr Spock emerged from behind some adjacent pillars,
also brandishing ninja weapons.
"Oh no!", cried Superboy. "StarFleet!"
"Pah!", cried Mr Jordan, "they can't stop us now!". "Doc - read on!"
Doc continued... "One must first obtain a .."
"Cut it right there, Doccie !!", cried Kirk.
Mr Jordan shot a phasor bolt towards Kirk. He quickly held up a ninja
sword and deflect the bolt sideways.
"How did you do that???", gasped Mr Jordan.
"Haha!", laughed Kirk. "I'm not just a captain of a U.S.S. Starship! I'm
also... tadadada... a ninja turtle in disguise!". Kirk then proceeded to
rip off his StarFleet uniform, and removed a mask from his face. He now
was a lean, green ninja turtle!
Michaelangelo Kirk looked sideways to Sulu. Sulu quickly undressed likewise,
ripped his plastic mask off, and revealed himself as Raphael Sulu! Then
Nurse Chappel followed... Nurse Donatello! And beside her, now stood
Leonardo Spock!
"Teenage Mutant Ninja Star-Trek Turtles!", screamed Handyman, and he reached
for a piece of wood to defend himself. Mr Jordan set her phasor on full,
and Super Boy grabbed a stone tablet for defence.
"Sick'em!", cried Michaelangelo Kirk, as he charged at Mr Jordan.
"Kowabungles!", cried Nurse Donatello, thrashing away at Superboy.
"Turt'l power!", yelled Raphael Sulu, and he lept towards Handyman.
"Pizza prowess!", screamed Leonardo Spock, as he chased after Doc.
A violent fight proceeded, atypical of a cute, friendly, charming, peaceful
kiddies cartoon.
While dodging Kirk's flashing numchukas, Mr Jordan had an idea.
"You're only cartoon characters!", she exclaimed, and proceeded to pull
out a large eraser from her pocket. "Take that!", she cried, as she lunged
back at Michaelangelo Kirk, rubbing furiously.
"Aurrghh!", cried Michaelangelo Kirk, as his numchuk was erased back to
a pair of toothpicks.
"Yelp!", he cried, as Mr Jordan started erasing his left leg.
The other pirates got the picture, pulled out their own erasers, and
started attacking Nurse Donatello, Raphael Sulu and Leonardo Spock.
"Eek!, you've erased my left hand!", cried Raphael Sulu.
"Irk!", screeched Nurse Donatello, "that was my chest you just rubbed out!"
"Keep rubbing!", cried Mr Jordan to the other pirates. "We'll beat 'em!"
While losing her right arm, Nurse Donatello had an inspiration. With her
remaining left arm she delved into her pocket, and pulled out a pencil.
She then madly attempted to draw back her right arm.
"Quick, lend me your pencil!", cried Michaelangelo Kirk to Nurse
Donatello, as he writhed on the floor, now a mere shoulder and head.
Nurse Donatello quickly sketched in her chest, paused, made a few
enlargements, then leaped to save Michaelangelo Kirk.
"That's cheating!", protested Mr Jordan, "They weren't that big before!"
"Let's split!", suggested Super Boy to Handyman, and the two pirates erased
a section of the wall and jumped through.
"Wait for me!", cried Mr Jordan, as she leaped through the hole. She then
erased a little more around the ceiling, and the roof collapsed blocking the
passage.
"Cold pizza!", exclaimed Raphael Sulu, as he finished of drawing back his
left foot.
The four green turtles admitted defeat, hung their turtle heads and walked
slowly back to the badly parked U.S.S.EgoPrise outside.
All that was left was Doc, alone in his ruined temple. He knelt down, and
slowly began to pick up pieces of rubble and made a pile. Sniffing a little,
he held up a large piece of broken tablet, and paused at the inscription.
"Nahhh..", he concluded, and tossed the broken tablet onto a pile of
rubble.
-=* END OF EPISODE III *=-
----------------------
What will be the Space Pirate's next plan?
Will Brigitte ever find true love?
Will Matty ever find Brigitte before Mummy finds out?
Will the secret of Ultimate Dominance ever be revealed?
Will this story ever be funny?
What will StarFleet do now that they know the true identity of
the EgoPrise crew?
What are Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles doing in a Star Trek episode anyway?
Who cares?
find out in RAT 10's
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
S t i r T r e k I V : T h e S e a r c h f o r B r i g i t t e
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The RatPhile Quotable Quote File
--------------------------------
I know, I know, we said we weren't going to be putting quotes into this
edition, but some things you just gotta quote !
/***/
INKA PRINCESS - "What type are you?"
GENERAL DISCOMFORT - "Tasty!"
/***/
RAFF - Yeah I don't get that much now...I used to get too much now I
can't get enough....
/***/
MR. JORDAN - yeah and he wouldn't even give me higher access no matter
how hard i sucked ... [ The mind boggles -Ed]
/***/
GENERAL DISCOMFORT - Just because I want to rule the world doesn't mean
I am a megalomaniac.
BEN RICHARDS - RiMix All!!
THE NARC - You cant judge a girl just by her personality!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Years ago, in an ancient edition of RAT magazine, we featured
an article describing "50 ways to be a bastard sysop". Well
finally user's can have their revenge, for here is...
15 WAYS TO ANNOY A SYSOP
(or in other words... how to get your access cut in 15 easy steps)
1. Upload the same file more than once. Make sure its a really large
and useless, something like the entire Opus v1.00 package.
2. Page the sysop, chat for a while, then say you're off to call another
board and promptly hangup before they've even closed the chat
window.
3. Apply to sigop a file or message area, then never call back!
4. If you're a point, include ANSI screen control codes in your origin
line and stuff up their screen positioning. It looks like a bug
in the software!
5. Post phone numbers to boards that are offline in the "new boards"
registry. For added fun, post online boards but give the wrong
baud rates. Then people might be calling boards at 300 baud when
they could be calling at 9600! Also, isn't it just so infuriating
when you can hear a carrier but the modem doesn't connect! This
also worries the shit out of the sysop, who thinks their modem
is hanging up on people prematurely!
6. If the sysop is running QuickBBS or RemoteAccess, and has an option
to leave a message to the next caller, try inserting control codes
into the message. Often the actual message is being displayed as
a standard text file, and so you can include control characters like
displaying the next user's password, shell to DOS, or log them off!
7. Enter the same message in a network from several different boards.
It looks like the network mailer is stuffed! Also, complain to the
sysop that some of your mail seems to be missing, and that you
posted it on another board in the network over a week ago!
8. If you're a guy, use a female psuedonym, and vica-versa. This is really
fun when the sysop is desperate and dateless! Bound to give you more
access.
9. If you're going to post a really offensive message, or one that you think
the sysop will delete, then post it in an echomail area at about 3am.
Mail events are usually about an hour later, and so it gets sent
throughout the network before the sysop has time to censor it!
10. Ask the sysop for access to the pirate areas in a public message. But
don't ever use your regular pseudonym, as this will undoubtedly get
your access cut! Sysops are paranoid about this! Especially the ones
who don't run pirate areas!
11. Ignore the message area topics. Sysops spend ages trying to get their
board to look just how they want it, and go to extremes to get the
right mail in the right areas. If the board has lots of science fiction
message areas, write about the footy or tell dirty jokes.
12. Sysops love their menus! Complain about them, and they will be changed.
Then complain that you can't keep up with all the changes, and you liked
the old menus better!
13. The biggest weakness of sysops are their egos! They expect every new user
to login, see the board, and love it and call back every day. So keep
on logging on under different names - it looks like a lot of callers
are not coming back!
14. Every time you logon, make sure the first (and second, third, fourth
etc) thing you do is page ... particularly if you have nothing to talk
about. This REALLY annoys sysops.
15. Make sure you leave lots of soppy one line messages to your
boy/girlfriend in as many message areas as possible. Try to ensure that
there are at least as many punctuation marks as actual letters in the
message.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Now, one for the SysOps and "wannabe"'s out there)
IIIIII FFFFFF
II FF
II FFFF
II FF
IIIIII FF
by
Backyard Ceiling
If you can hold carrier when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can upload when all men download,
But make allowance for their downloading too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being paged non-stop, users will always page,
Or being hated for not giving access,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not let your users wake you up,
If you can think - and still not answer SysOp Page,
If you can meet with Hard Drive Crashes
And still not close down your Board;
If you can bear to be hassled for access
Twisted by smart-asses who have better computers,
Or watch people ruin your good reputation,
And stoop and rebuild it with a worn out Keyboard.
If you can live without a tradewars editor
And still be the best player in tradewars,
And lose to make it look like you're not cheating
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can manage not to call the cafe more than twice a day
And still keep up with the latest gossip,
And not cry when it is all about you
Except for the usual bit about Eric Anderson!
If you can turn up to BBS meets and still keep your sanity,
Or walk with users - and not lose your mind,
If neither hackers nor pirates can hurt you,
If everyone calls your board, just to make it look busy;
If you can fill the unused minute with a game of Leech
With sixty seconds for the computer to reset,
Yours is the userbase, and everyone in it,
Then my son, you shall be a SysOp!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
KIDDIE'S KORNER!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here's a game for all you kiddies to play!
Its called...
-=*> SPOT THE PIRATE BOARD! <*=-
It's a really easy... Hours of online fun too!
Just look for these easy signs:
1. There is a distinct correlation between the top callers and the top
uploaders and downloaders.
2. There is a distinct correlation between the top callers and other
known pirate board top callers.
3. The so called 'file board' has hardly any files in the public domain
areas!
4. There is a message on login saying 'this is not a pirate board, do not
upload pirate software, it's naughty ' etc
5. You're winning the online games (nobody else is playing).
6. You're not getting any replies to your messages (nobody is reading them).
7. Your echomail is not echoing (nobody bothered to check if network is up).
8. Everybody ignores that great PD file you just uploaded.
9. The sysop does not brag about the number of global wide message count.
10. The sysop is an acne-faced teenage social reject.
-------------------
**C O M P E T I T I O N *** C O M P E T I T I O N *** C O M P E T I T I O N**
-------------------
The Editors are pleased to announce a fabulous new competition .. it's
just so easy !!!
Just get your name to the top of as many pirate board downloaders and/or up-
loaders lists over the next three months as possible.
The Fantastic First Prize is a visit from The Federal Police, and the
opportunity to spend several months as a guest of the Australian Goverment,
all expenses paid, at one of Australias finest bluestone Colleges.
Also included in this prize is the bonus offer of confiscation of all
your computer equipment .. make sure YOU enter TODAY !!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
REALLY BORING OFFICIALDOM STUFF..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
RAT is an electronic amateur writers' magazine. It is officially
unofficiated with anything official, unofficial, or anything
unofficially official.
RAT is designed to be read as an entertaining collection of
amateur writings. The opinions expressed in the file are entirely
opinionated and not necessarily the opinions of the authors,
editors, or anyone else with an opinion.
RAT is produced and distributed electronically through public
access remote bulletin board systems. No revenue may be gained
from its distribution in any way. No individual may be restricted
from accessing RAT. However, the editors reserve the right to
refuse to include any submissions. And we're not a bunch of
fascists either.
Anyone may submit. Since private remote bulletin board systems
are notoriously unreliable, the only way to ensure a submission
is to post it snail-mail to:
Rat Society Publications
c/o Stuart Dobbie
P.O.Box 297
Burwood 3130
Victoria, Australia.
Each new RAT is released when submissions exceed 50 kilobytes,
or 50 Kilos, whichever comes first.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Credits and the Golly-gosh-they-put-my-name-in-the-list List.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FOUNDERS................................... Doc
Avalon
EDITOR..................................... Inka Princess
REGULAR CONTRIBUTORS....................... Inka Princess
Handyman
Doc
IRREGULAR CONTRIBUTORS..................... Superboy
Mr Jordan
OCCASIONAL ARTWORK......................... Zero Hour
EVERYBODY ELSE.............................
Al Capone Alex Rogan Avalon
Avatar Azarak Digris Baby Soda
Ben Richards Big Bad John Bigf00t
Black Wizard Boyd Adamson Captain Blood
Cefiar Dave Seikel Deep Image
Defcon One Doc Elliot Ness
End Garet Jax General Discomfort
Gnomie Gordon Walker Grasshopper
Grendel Guru Pete Handyman
Hunter Ice Man Icebreaker
Infiltrator Inka Princess Ivan Trotsky
Jackal Joseph Elkhorne Kik
Lachlan Maher Marty Monster Mystery
Mr Jordan Negative Energy New Wave
Night Stalker & Janine Pennywise Psycho Felix
Pyschosonic Cindy Quantum Leap RAD!
Radical Accumulator Real Article Rob Judd
RummanRazan Snoopy Spector
Super Boy The System The Walrus
Tikva Tinkerbell Warfis
h
Yak Yabbie Pump Zero Hour
And anyone else whose name we've forgotten
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
CALL THESE BOARDS!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
because we're the sysops..
VICTORIA
For interstate callers, prefix with 03
For international callers, prefix with +61-3
Decadence SBBS 794-7949 1200 & 2400 baud only
Nightmare RABBS 560-7386 all speeds to 9600 (V32) baud
S.I.G. RABBS 830-1584 all speeds to 2400 baud
Euphoria RABBS 500-9997 all speeds to 2400 baud
Timescape RABBS 561-5217 all speeds to 2400 baud
Phase V RABBS 803-6976 all speeds to 9600 (PEP) baud
The Cafe TBBS 894-2815 all speeds to 2400 baud
The CrossOver RABBS 364-1282 all speeds to 2400 baud
Lightning RABBS 399-1030 all speeds to 9600 (V32) baud
Roaring Rapids RABBS 877-2609 all speeds to 9600 (V32) baud
The Brick Centre RABBS 761-1468 all speeds to 2400 baud
Real World RABBS 596-5050 1200 & 2400 baud
Brathstray RABBS 562-1852 all speeds to 2400 baud
The Real Connection RABBS 808-0810 all speeds to 2400 baud
or 808-0331 300 & 1200 baud
Crimewave RABBS 728-4232 all speeds to 2400 baud
Zoist!!! 467-7984 all speeds to 9600 (HST) baud
WESTERN AUSTRALIA
For interstate callers, prefix with 09
For international callers, prefix with +61-9
High Flyer RABBS 448-0880 all speeds to 2400 baud
1990 Multiline TBBS 370-3333 all speeds to 2400 baud
QUEENSLAND
For interstate callers, prefix with 07
For international callers, prefix with +61-7
Ground Zero RABBS 812-3474 all speeds to 9600 (V32) baud
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This RAT phile was brought to you by the letters R, A and T, and the number 9
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
o
I I
I I _ ,-.,-. ,-.,-.
I `'I II_II___II_II
I @ I_I I I \
/ ___,-, _\.__
\/ `.____________/ `.__.--.__.--'
----------------------------
------------------------ The Dead Rat Society Lives ------------------------
----------------------------
If you've had as much fun reading this phile as we've had writing it ...
please, seek professional help, NOW !
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
