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The Hidden Obvious 018
THE HIDDEN OBVIOUS #18!!!!
Here is a file from the newest member of the THO team, Exodus. He's a
little warped, but that's why we like him :)
-Pip
Harve & Marve:Goto Limbo
========================== By Exodus
Once upon a time there were two goblins named Harve and
Marve.They usually thought of different things to get into and ways to
get into trouble.They live in a pile of hay in a big old barn in New
York City.
It was in the middle of the summer and they were both laying
around in their haystack."I tell you mate,I'm bored",said Marve."Me
too",replied Harve."Want to go for a walk?,I mean there is nothing else
to do around here",suggested Harve."Yeah I can't find that damn needle
in here at all,let's go",said Marve.
So the two goblins were off,just walking around the big old city
of New York."You know what we should do",said Marve."What?",questioned
Harve."We should sometime buy a air conditioner for our haystack",said
Marve."Good idea,hey I wonder if Dovetail is home?",asked Harve."Nope
she's not,probably at the beach working on that tan of hers",said Marve.
They were walking right past a dark alley,when Harve saw it.A
innocent looking stray cat.It was then that Harve made one of the
greatest mistakes of his life,he said a phrase that should never be said
in public,with so many people around."Hey nice pussy",he said,pointing
to the cat.
Unfortunately a little old-lady just happened to be passing as
he said this."What!?!,ruffians!",said the old-lady."Hey Harve watch your
mouth,your gonna get us into trouble",warned Marve."I'm sorry mam,I
meant the cat not you",said Harve to the old lady."I'm tired of being
harassed",she yelled.She then pulled out a shotgun out of her
pocket-book."You guys better run",she smiled."Oh great,see what you got
us into",said Marve."Hey I'm sorry,I didn't mean it",replied Harve.
They then promptly ran away from the old lady as fast as their
little legs would carry them.For what seemed like hours the lady chased
them all over the city,shooting at them every minute she could."Good
thing she has cataracts",laughed Harve,"She can't see a bloody thing!".A
shot then just whipped past Harve's head slighty grazing him."Please
just shut-up,I gotta think of a way outa this",yelled Marve.
They kept running,running,running,running,and one more for good
measure,and running.They saw a huge tall building across the street,"Hey
lets get over there for more cover",said Marve."I'm for it",said Harve.
Both of them ran right across the street,not even looking for any other
cars coming,causing half a dozen accidents in the process."Well I doubt
she'll find us over here",said Harve.
Both goblins thought they were safe there,but they forgot to
look up.A piano was hanging vicariously by a rope about 20 feet above
their heads.With a loud SNAP it fell right onto their
heads....flattening them flatter then a pancake.........
"Ohhhhhh,ouououououch,ugggggggg,where am I?"."My head is killing
me,my hands,my body,my peni.......,Good that one is still there"."The
pain will subside my sons",called a booming voice.Slowly Harve and Marve
opened their eyes,to see a huge lobster staring them in the face.The
place around them was completely white,like a fog of nothingness.
"Damn!,where are we?",asked Harve."You are now in Limbo,you have
died",said the lobster."And who are you?",asked Marve."My full name is
Eatyourdamnseafoodnowyoubloodybastard",said the lobster."But you my call
me by my nickname,Mr. Lobster",said the huge crustacean."God is my
brother",replied Mr. Lobster."You are in Limbo,waiting for further
judgement,have fun it may be a while,probably a few million years at the
very least",said Mr. Lobster."Hmmm,let's see our entertainment isn't as
good as Heaven's,but it's definitely better than Hell's,I might add",the
lobster chuckled."While your here check out our movie
theater,cafe,park,sports arena,and a favorite of mine,our very own whore
house,one that even the angels of heaven are known to go to"."Well,I
must be going,tartar",and with that the huge lobster disappeared into
nothingness.
"Well,looks like we've actually died,I can't believe it",sobbed
Harve."Hey quit your crying,we'll find a way out of here,trust me I know
what I'm doing",said Marve.They heard movement off to their
left,"Quiet,someones coming over here",said Harve.
The figure was dressed all in robes and bore a striking
resemblance to the Pope."Hail,oh mighty Pope",said Harve."What?,I'm not
the Pope,I'm Sir Charles the Serial Killer",said the figure."But you can
call me Charley,if you like.I've single-handedly murdered 1.5*10ý
people,all by myself too".".5?",questioned Marve."Well,yes one of them
didn't have any legs",replied Charley."Wow,so you did this with only one
hand?",asked Harve."Yep",nodded Charley,"I've even wrote a book on
it,501 Ways to Successfully Kill Someone with One Hand"."Wasn't that
book on the New York Times bestseller list?",asked Marve."It was on the
list for 3 straight years",beamed Charley."Why are you in the Pope's
outfit?",questioned Harve,pointing to Charley's odd taste of
clothing."Well boys,the taylors in Limbo don't know how to dress
anyone,the other day I was wearing a cheer-leaders mini-skirt,it was
most embarrassing",blushed Charley.
"Well,boys were are you headed?",said Charley."Were off to get a
air conditioner for our haystack",said Marve."Hmmmm,I hear the best ones
are in Hell itself,the Devil likes to keep cool down there you
know"."Well,mind if I join you in your adventures?,my judgement probably
won't be for another million years",said Charley."Sure,it would be an
honor to have you for company",said Harve."I know I special backdoor to
hell,follow me",said Charley.
Charley navigated them carefully around Limbo.6 hours later they
approached a small storm door in the middle of the whiteness."Is this
it?",Harve pointed to the door."Yep,it is",said Charley."Now if I could
just...",he moved over to the door,"Damn!,it's locked",said Charley."Hey
isn't there a password or something?",asked Marve."Good idea,let's just
see if I can remember it",said Charley.They waited for about 4
hours,"Hey everybody I remebered it!",yelled Charley."Well say it
then",pleaded Harve."Okay here it goes,let's hope I don't forget it
later",said Charley.With a inhale of air,he arched his back,and
confidently said,"Enter".The door opened with a loud cracking
noise."Hurraaayyyy,were gonna finally maybe,possibly get our air
conditioner now",said Harve."Oh Harve,why don't you just go to
Hell!",said Marve.
"Sure,I'd love too",replied Harve,and with that he jumped right
into the redness behind the door."Let's go!",yelled Marve,while him and
Charley dove into the redness.Within minutes after falling for about 2
hours they hit the ground.The immediate stench of rotten flesh and stale
popcorn assaulted them.
"Yep,were now in Hell",confirmed Charley."Damn,that smell,it's
aweful",said Marve."Aw,I kind of like it,it reminds me of what I had for
breakfast",said Harve."Just shut-up",Marve and Charley yelled at
Harve."Come'on follow me,I think I know where the devil's hangout is
around here",said Charley.
After a few hours of walking,they all were getting very
tired."Don't they have any mass-transportation in Hell?",asked
Marve."Afraid not,that's why they call it Hell",said Charley."Okay
around this bend and we should see the devil's house in sight",stated
Charley.
They all quietly and quickly and carefully and abruptly
moved around the bend.There straight ahead of them was the devil's
hang-out."Hey it's the White House",said Harve."Except the devil in
there is the real one",said Marve."Well guys let's go,time's
awasting...NOT",said Charley.
The group approached the front door,"Now how do we open this
one?",asked Marve."Another password,I believe,damn it might take me
awhile to think of it",said Charley.Five hours later..."I got
it!!",exclaimed Charley."Here it goes,Open!",he yelled.The door opened
with a loud jingle."Ha can you beat that,the devil put bells on the
outside of his front door,how nice of him",said Harve."Hell's bells he
calls them I think",said Charley.
Harve and Marve followed Charley closely as he made his way
through the halls of the devil's hang-out."We'll be there soon",assured
Charley."I hope so,that smell of stale popcorn is making me hungry",said
Harve.They soon entered a large nice cool room,with the sound of a large
air conditioner running in the background."Come'on this is it!",yelled
Marve and they all ran over to the beautiful air conditioner in the
wall."Wow it's a Power-Cool 9000,made by Inferno Inc.,hey and get this
it's insured for ten million years",said Marve."Good just what we
need",said Harve.Marve pulled a crow-bar out of his pants and both
goblins and Charley had the air conditioner out of the wall in no
time."This will keep our haystack cold all summer long",said Marve in
relief.
All of the sudden they heard footsteps off to there immediate
left."Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa,did you think I would let you take my most
prized possession",laughed the devil."No,but I figured we would give it
a shot anyway",shrugged Harve."By the way do you have any of that
popcorn around here?",asked Harve."Sorry but I already ate it all last
night",said the Devil.
"Prepare to die scum!",the Devil said to Charley,as he pulled
out his nightsaber from it's sheath."Greetings,Sir Charley,it has been
long indeed since we last fought,are you still one with the powers of
the Light Side?",asked the Devil."Yes I am!",barked Charley,as he drew
his own nightsaber from the folds of his robe.The air was crackling and
popping as both the Devil and Charley swung their blades at each other.
"Oh boy!,a fight",exclaimed Harve."Now I wish I really had some
popcorn",he said.
The Devil and Charley fought for hours each countering each
other with similar blows and slashes."Of course you realize you are my
SON",said the Devil."NOOOOOO,it can't be!",cried Charley."Well that
son of a bitch",said Marve."No that's son of a devil",corrected Harve.
"Who's my mother",demanded Charley."That doesn't matter
now",said the Devil."Who's my MOTHER!",yelled Charley,and his attacks
became more frequent,and harder to hit."Your dexterity is too
low",laughed the Devil."Really?,mines 21",said Charley confidently."Ha
mines 23!,I beat you Na NA na ne na",taunted the Devil."Tell me about my
mommy,or I'll finish you off here and now",demanded
Charley."Okay,okay,let the truth be known,I'm impetent",said the
Devil."Ha",laughed Charley."Your mother was artificially
inceminated",said the Devil.
"What? she was artificially urinated?",asked Harve."No no no
no",replied Marve."This fight may take a LONG time guys",said
Charley."Here take this",he threw a very old parchment at them."It's a
map to a door that will lead you to another door out of hell and into
the real world",said Charley."Thanx man",said Marve."Yeah your like our
favorite serial-killer now",said Harve."No prob",said Charley,"Just
trying to be of service".
Harve and Marve quickly made there way through Hell,till they
found another storm door."Damn,this air conditioner is getting
heavy",proclaimed Harve."Wait a few minutes I gotta try to figure out
the right password",said Marve.Hours later "Damn I can't figure it
out!,I'm stumped",said Marve as he slumped to the ground in
disappointment."What seems to be the problem?",asked Harve,"the door is
already unlocked"."What!?!,why didn't you say that in the first
place?",demanded Marve."I was thinking about the popcorn",answered
Harve.
They both opened the door and walked through.To their surprise
they ended up back in their haystack."Ahhhh,safe at last",both said at
the same time.A little while later they had the air conditioner
installed and both just sat there relaxing in their cooled
home..........
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
How would you like to be a writer for THO? Call up the Asylum at
9o8-914-9318 (NUP : I LOVE FEDS) and leave mail to Pip the Angry Youth.
You can also get in contact with us by leaving Pip the Angry Youth mail
on GODnet at the address 143/143:1.
Peace,
Pip the Angry Youth
