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The Schidt Issue 07
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: NEW Schidt #7 **Approx 300 Lines**
Message-ID: <sanderso-260293171525@ch-lab-mac-j.gac.edu>
From: sanderso@gacvx2.gac.edu (Scott T. Anderson)
Date: 26 Feb 93 16:22:20 -0600
Organization: The Schidt and other dementia
Lines: 273
T h e S C H I D T
Issue #7 March 1993
The Schidt is published every so often by Scott T. Anderson. It is not
authorized nor endorsed by Gustavus Adolphus College. The Schidt is
published for entertainment purposes only. The first course of action for
anyone who is offended by it is to lighten up. While we strongly believe
in the freedom of all people to do what they want to do, we also support
peoples right to say what they want to say.
SCHIDT CORRESPONDENCE:
Scott Anderson
Gustavus Adolphus College
St Peter MN 56082-1498 USA
E-MAIL:
sanderso@gacvx2.gac.edu
_____________________________________________
"Jeff, I am standing three feet away from your wet, naked body, and I am
holding my penis." --Lance Hampton
_____________________________________________
SCOTT'S PORK RINDS
(formerly Condom Boy's Corner)
By Scott T. Anderson
Like, wow. It's, like, so cool the way the Schidt is, like, EVERYWHERE!
Though I occasionally wonder why so many people like it, I'm quite happy
with the response.
Many people wonder why I am (was) called Condom Boy. That's a very
interesting question.
This issue of the Schidt has been rather delayed in being published.
Anyone who is angry about this should GET A LIFE! I have one! That's why
there was a delay! Oh, sorry Nathan.
_____________________________________________
A BEDTIME STORY
By Scott T. Anderson
I was going to delete this article, but it is being kept in because of its
gratuitous violence. For more gratuitous violence, see David Crowe's
untitled (sort of) story. Okay, here we go:
Once upon a time there lived a brave prince. He was in love with a
beautiful princess. They lived in a big castle. One day the princess got
locked in the tower of the castle. She was yelling out the window of the
tower for help, but she leaned out too far, and fell out into the moat
below. The crocodiles in the moat chomped her into little bits. The
prince was very sad. A fairy came to him and said that if he killed a
dragon in the forest, the princess would come back to life. As the prince
was riding from the castle on his white stallion to find the dragon, he
fell off of the stallion into the moat, where he was chomped to little bits
by the crocodiles.
THE END.
_____________________________________________
IT'S LOUD! IT'S PROUD! IT'S DISALLOWED (at least it should be)!
It's Leather Congregation's debut release:
CAUSTIC SEMEN!!!!!
Thirty minutes of ear-splitting musical manna. Get your copy today from
Scott Anderson for only $2!!!!! Featuring the KGAC #1* hit "Scrotalwurst!"
Select copies include the bonus "LC N Full F-Ekt, BOY-EE! (Smooth Rhymin'
Remix)" track! Don't delay, be a masochist today: Buy Leather
Congregation's Caustic Semen from Scott Anderson NOW! NOTE: This is a
serious offer.
(*all ratings approximate** [**yes that's a Spinal Tap rip-off])
_____________________________________________
And now, as a public service, the Schidt presents...
THE MEANING OF LIFE
By Scott T. Anderson
Throughout the centuries, mankind has searched for some glimmer of meaning
in his/her dreary existence. Now, to enlighten the world, I present my
speculations on the matter....
* To discover the dharma of Erik Estrada.
* "Gilligan's Island" reruns.
* Study and meditation in the ways of Mark Linn Baker (Larry Appleton of
"Perfect Strangers").
* Duct tape.
* Realization of one's fated role in society, such as Martin Luther King
Jr. (civil rights leader), Charles Manson (homicidal maniac), or Dan Quayle
(complete and utter fool).
* Three words: Oatmeal creme pies.
* To suffer through five years of parental domination, thirteen years of
drudgery in public school, four years of pressure and insomnia in college,
thirty to forty more years of drudgery in a dead-end job, and twenty years
of dependency on the state before you finally kick the bucket. (Upliftin',
ain't it?)
* Chitlins 'n gravy, three meals a day.
* To enjoy the beautiful songs of Michael Bolton.
* Dahmer had it figured out.
_____________________________________________
A BUSINESS PROPOSITION
Submitted, but NOT written, by Scott T. Anderson
This letter was in my mailbox the other day. It cannot possibly be a
serious offer. The name has been removed just in case this person actually
exists....
February 12, 1993
I do not know if you will be interested in this, but I thought I would
mention it to you because it could be a real sleeper in making a lot of
money with a small investment.
A group of us are considering investing in a large cat ranch near
Hermosillo, Mexico. It is our purpose to start rather small with about 1
million cats. Each cat averages about 12 kittens a year; skin can be sold
for about 20 cents for the white ones and up to 40 cents for the black.
This will give us 12 million cat skins per year to sell at an average price
of around 32 cents, making our gross revenue about 3 million dollars a
year. This nearly averages out to about $10,000.00 per day--exclusive of
Sunday and Holidays.
A good Mexican can skin about 50 cats per day at a wage of $3.15 per day.
It will take only 633 men to operate the ranch. So the net profit will be
over $8,200.00 per day.
Now the cats would be fed on rats exclusively. Rats multiply four times
as fast as cats. We would start a rat ranch adjacent to our cat farm. If
we start with a million rats, we will have four rats per cat per day. The
rats will be fed on the carcasses of the cats that we skin. This will give
each rat a quarter of the cat. You can see by this that the business is a
real clean operation. It is self-supporting and nearly automatic
throughout. The cats will eat the rats and the rats will eat the cats and
we get the skins.
Let me know if you are interested. As you can imagine, we are rather
particular who we want to get into this, and we want the fewest investors
possible.
Eventually, it is our hope to cross the cats with snakes, and they will
skin themselves twice a year. This would save the major cost of skinning
as well as is two skins for one cat.
Sincerely,
(name deleted)
Executive Director
_____________________________________________
AN OFFER YOU CAN'T REFUSE!
Get your very own
BASTARD WEAR
HIGH-FASHION t-shirt!
Each Bastard Wear t-shirt features the ultra-cool Bastard Wear logo
emblazoned on the front of a high-quality 100% cotton t-shirt. These
t-shirts are worth their weight in gold, but you can get one for just
***$10*** if you act now! GAC students can order theirs from Scott
Anderson. Please specify size and color preference. Off-campus orderers
(USA only), please send check, money order, cash, whatever in the amount of
$12 (shirt + shipping) to:
SCOTT ANDERSON
GUSTAVUS ADOLPHUS COLLEGE
ST PETER MN 56082-1498
_____________________________________________
THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF JIM
By Scott T. Anderson
"Now you kids'd better give our Jimmy his pants back or we'll have to have
a little talk with your parents."
--Jim Sr. and the Mrs.
Jim sat in awe as Bertha squeezed herself out the bedroom door and went
off to find her destiny with a Hustler model. "How could she leave me
for..." Jim began to think (a relatively foreign activity to him), but then
he took a look at the photo in the magazine and realized that any woman
would choose that over him.
Crushed at the loss of the lard of his life, Jim wandered out to the
garage and drove off into the night. Pretty soon he ran out of gas (having
not eaten a sufficient number of tacos from the dumpster behind the mall
that night), and stopped to fill up. As if his night wasn't bad enough
already, he realized that the gas station attendant was the ringleader of
the kids who had stolen his pants earlier in the evening.
"Hey," Jim said in a most studious tone, "yer the goddamn kid who stole my
pants. I'm gonna whip yer hide, yuh little punk!" But Jim was no match
for the 110 pound fighting machine he was up against, and soon he found
himself stranded in the countryside, with his pants no where to be found.
_____________________________________________
I CAN'T THINK OF A SUITABLE TITLE FOR THIS STORY
By David Crowe
Bernard stared across the table at her beautiful, shining face. The
reflection of the candlelight flame flickered in her dark brown eyes. The
night was perfect.
"I love you, Susan," he said.
"I love you too," she replied. "I've really had a good time this
evening."
"Now's the time," thought Bernard. After months of trying to find the
right moment, he finally decided to ask her.
"Susan, my darling, will you marry me?"
Her face clouded. Bernard started to panic. He had been almost certain
she would say yes, but now, it looked as if she was going to reject him.
"Bernard, I really love you, but... you know, it's just not socially
acceptable for a woman of my upbringing to marry an iguana."
Bernard was shocked. "I know we have our differences, Susan. You like
seafood, steak and caviar, and I eat insects. Your skin is smooth and soft
while mine is green and scaly. You are warmblooded, while my internal
temperature changes with the temperature of the surrounding environment.
Your eyes...
NOTICE: I will stop this story before it gets any more stupid than it
already is. A quick summary of the rest of the tale will suffice.
Bernard gets angry at the discrimination against iguanas. He plans a
revolution to overthrow human dominance of the Earth. At a rally of
iguanas that he has organized, Susan comes to him and says she has changed
her mind and will marry him. Unfortunately, the crowd of iguanas at the
rally are so intent on killing all humans that they overrun Susan, ripping
her to shreds. In vain, Bernard tries to save his love, but, also
unfortunately, he dies as well. The story ends with iguanas taking over
the world, and leaving Earth devoid of human life.
_____________________________________________
TOP TEN USES FOR THE SCHIDT
(OTHER THAN READING IT)
By Scott T. Anderson
(Note: Many of these humorous morsels rely on the existence of a printed
[i.e. on paper] copy of the Schidt. If you have received the Schidt via
e-mail, but would like to experience these alternate uses, just print
yourself a copy!!!!!)
10. Rid the world of those damn, annoying trees.
9. High source of dietary fiber.
8. Putting it on the coffee table so everyone will be impressed.
7. Conversation topic on blind date.
6. Cluttering people's e-mail and otherwise aggravating them.
5. The chain letter of the '90s.
4. Bird cage liner.
3. Wastebasket filler.
2. Kindling.
1. Replacement for the corn cob in the outhouse.
_____________________________________________
WHAT IS SCHIDT?
By Scott T. Anderson
This is a question that I have been frequently asked recently (making it a
FAQ, no doubt). I've decided to tackle it here. At least the first two
are actually true.
The Schidt is:
*A publication full of meaningless garbage.
*A European beverage (so I am told by one reader).
*The author of a textbook on the subject of rodent mating rituals.
*Hitler's favorite parlor game.
*Here's that last one again for our non-Americanized readers:
Hitler's favourite parlour game.
*A physiological disorder characterized by a deficiency of intelligence.
*A HUGE waste of time.
*A bunch of crap thrown together, often in violation of copyright and other
laws, to satisfy a need for entropy in the universe.
*Never mind. Just be quiet and eat your dinner before it gets cold.
*A forum for the discussion of such pivotal issues as the smell of burning
cat hair and whether its fumes are really carcinogenic.
*Don't ask me, I just work here.
*A place where all ideas, even those of very closed-minded individuals, are
openly accepted.
*Better than Cats. I'm going to read it again and again.
*1 part Mr. Clean to 10 parts water.
*Um, what was the question again? (This is also my favorite thing to say
in Russian class, besides "Ya izuchayu russky yazyk." [I am studying
Russian.])
*The most utterly bitchin' thing ever.
_____________________________________________
Thank you for reading the Schidt. Feel free to pass it on....
Stay tuned for SCHIDT #8 - APRIL 1993!!!!
