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ZAN The First School of Velcro
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&GS#009 &
& The First School of Velcro &
& by &
& Guido Sanchez &
& &
& Written: July 14, 1991 &
& &
& Greetz: Hacker and Glomer!!! Wish >I< was going to get the crap &
& kicked out of me at Lopalooza! &
& &
& ZAN: More than a religion, because it's NOT!!! &
& Any suggestions or gripes? Leave me voice mail at 1-312-839-3196! &
& "I'll be glad to hear your suggestions" <yeah, right!> &
& &
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This kooky phile is a list of classes available to those who wish to
pursue a high-paying career in Velcro(tm). Enjoy!!!!
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Classes offered by the Department o High Energy and Applied Velcronics
Fall 1991
HEAVE-123: Fundamentals of Velcro (tm) I
The use of Velcro (tm): pressing together - pulling apart; that gratifying "rippppp" sound; things Velcro (tm) can't do; things that
Velcro (tm) can do but shouldn't; things Velcro (tm) hasn't done yet.
OPEN TO STUDENTS OF ALL DEPARTMENTS.
HEAVE-124: Fundamentals of Velcro (tm) II
Loops and Hooks; Inverse Square Velcro (tm) Law; Poison Distribution
Applied to Velcro (tm); Intro. to DC Velcro (tm) Analysis Kirchoff's
Velcro (tm) Laws; Potential Energy and Velcro (tm).
PREREQUISITE: HEAVE-123.
HEAVE-223: Velcro (tm) Analysis I
DC Velcro (tm) Analysis; Mesh and Node Velcro (tm) Solutions; Reduction of Velcro (tm) Networks; Thevinin and Norton Velcro (tm)
equivalents; Intro. to AC Velcro (tm) Analysis; Differential Velcro
(tm) Equations; Complex Velcro (tm) Algebra.
PREREQUISITE: HEAVE-124, COREQUISITE: HEAVE-230.
HEAVE-224: Velcro (tm) Analysis II
AC Velcro (tm) Analysis; First-Order Velcro (tm) Networks; Series and
Parallel Velcro (tm) Networks; Sinor Velcro (tm) Solutions; Phasor
Velcro (tm) Solutions; Second-Order Velcro (tm) Networks; Velcro(tm)
Resonance.
PREREQUISITE: HEAVE-223, COREQUISITE: HEAVE-231
HEAVE-230: Applied Velcronics Lab I
Velcro (tm) As Applied to Polyester Leisure Suits; Velcro (tm) and
Spandex; Velcro (tm) and Facial Hair; Velcro (tm) and Pubic Hair;
Velcro (tm) Networks; Velcro (tm) Hair Nets. Special Guest Lecturer:
Jimmy Walker.
COREQUISITE: HEAVE-223.
HEAVE-231: Applied Velcronics Lab II
More Velcro (tm) Networks; Dynamic Velcro (tm) Applications; Velcro
(tm) and Your Little Brother; Velcro (tm) and the Neighbor's Cat;
Velcro (tm) and Your Pet Gerbil; Field Project: Babysitting with
Velcro (tm).
COREQUISITE: HEAVE-224.
HEAVE-323 Independant Study for Juniors
Self-paced and independantly-oriented instruction on a topic in the
field of Velcronics. (ie, the Chairman is too lazy to think up
curriculum for Juniors)
HEAVE-423 Independant Study for Seniors
Self-paced and independantly-oriented instruction on a topic in the
field of Velcronics. (ie, the Chairman is too lazy to think up
curriculum for Seniors, too)
HEAVE-523 History of Velcronics I - Ancient
Velcro-Magnon Man; Antediluvian Velcro (tm) Fossil Record; Velcro
(tm) and Atlantean Culture; Velcro (tm) and Hindu Mythology - Is
Velcro (tm) the ultimate symbol of Kali-Ma?; Velcro (tm) and Greek
Mythology - Was Velcro (tm) the envy of Aphrodite?; Velcro (tm):
Ancient Chinese Secret?
HEAVE-524 History of Velcronics II - Roman and Renaissance Ages
Velcro (tm) in the Time of Christ; Velcro (tm) Disappears During the
Dark Ages; Nostradamus' Velcro (tm) Prophecies; Napoleon Invents
Velcro (tm) Nipple Warmers; The Da Vinci Velcro (tm) Flying Machine
and Dissection Technique.
HEAVE-525 History of Velcronics III - Modern
Nikola Tesla's Biphase Velcronic Motor; Quantum Velcronics;
Velcronic Relativity; Some Wiseguy Patents Velcro (tm) Requiring
Every Velcro (tm) Reference to Carry a Stupid (tm) Symbol; Velcronic
Cosmology: The Big Rip; Velcro (tm) Probability Theory -- Probability
Adjustment and Alternate Universe Travel; Velcro (tm) Drive --
Fastener to the Stars.
HEAVE-623 Advanced Topics in Velcronics
The Velcro (tm) Closure: Gateway to Utopia? Velcro (tm) Mobius
Strips; Velcro (tm) and the Fabric of Space-time; Velcro (tm)
Warfare; The Ever-lasting Velcro (tm) Gobstopper; Solid-State
Velcronics; High-Energy Velcronics: the Solution to the Energy
Crisis?
HEAVE-923 One-on-One Study for Females
Singular instruction for females of all classes with the Chairman of
HEAVE. Topics covered include Velcro (tm) Undergarments, Velcro (tm)
vs. Button Fly -- Which is faster?, Velcro (tm) Prophylaxis, Velcro
(tm) Chastity Belts, and Breakaway Velcro (tm) Wet Strapless
Minidresses.
NOTE: Admission subject to on-sight approval of instructor.
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Hehe. Oh well, that's the file!! Anyone females out there wanna join
me as the instructor of HEAVE-923?? hehe j'king!
Peace and War, War and Peace (tm),
Guido "Velcro (tm) Master" Sanchez
Minister of Philosophy
ZA/\/ (tm)
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