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FilkFile 4

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· 4 Mar 2023

The fourth compilation of filksongs collected from the FILK Echo and provided for download via the auspices of Kay Shapero, moderator of same. Publication date, August 1990. All copyrights belong to the writers.

FILKfile appears at irregular intervals of a month or more, depending on how many songs appear on the echo.

The following is not a song per se, but could be useful in these files if it catches on...]

system for posting music in vanilla ASCII.

# = sharp
% = flat
underlined Capitals = whole notes (for example, C = whole C)

Capitals followed by . = 3/4 notes (ex, C. = 3/4 C)
Capitals = half notes (ex, C = half C)
small letters followed by . = dotted quarter notes (ex, c.= dotted c)
small letters = quarter notes (ex, c = quarter C)
underlined small letters = eighth notes (underlined twice = sixteenth notes and so on.) (ex c = eighth high C, c = sixteenth - = high C and so on.)

Rests done as per notes, except the letter used is "R".

++ = C above high C and above
+ = high C through C above high C
no prefix = middle C to below high C
- = below middle C
(at least I believe middle C is the one with the line through it, high C is the one in the next octave up, and C above high C is the one the next octave up from there. If I've gotten this wrong, sorry about that!)
T = treble
B = bass
A series followed by : is the beginning of the staff.
! = end of measure
___ above notes = notes tied together.
= = notes tied across the end of a measure (the ! is left out in this case for clarity but should be assumed). i.e. c=c is actually a half C extending from one measure to the next.

A H'REL ON BOARD

words by Dr Pepper
(Tune: A Policeman's Lot)

When the silly stupid human's busy sleeping, busy sleeping
Dreaming ape dreams, not expecting any harm, any harm
It's a cinch into the cabin to come creeping, to come creeping
And up the volume on the clock alarm

When the stern no nonsense korli reads the orders, reads the orders
They'll be followed though they're bogus ever one, every one
A bjora's shorts can hold a lot of boarders, lot of boarders
A h'rel on board can be a lot of fun

Words copyright Dr Pepper, July 1990

AIN'T GONNA DO NO SAD SONGS

Words by Rob Levin

Ain't gonna do no sad songs anymore,
Ain't gonna do no sad songs anymore;
I may not know much more
Than what happiness is for,
But I ain't gonna do no sad songs anymore.

Ain't gonna sing no lonely times no more,
Ain't gonna sing no lonely times no more;
I'll keep an open door
For that one I'm waiting for
And I ain't gonna sing no lonely times no more.

Ain't gonna find no corner anymore,
Ain't gonna find no corner anymore;
You can see much more
From the middle of the floor
So I ain't gonna find no corner anymore.

Ain't gonna do no run-and-hide no more,
Ain't gonna do no run-and-hide no more;
This is where I land,
And this is where I stand.
Ain't gonna do no run-and-hide no more.

Ain't gonna do no hard time anymore,
Ain't gonna do no hard time anymore;
Took my own parole,
Now I'm free for other roles.
Ain't gonna do no hard time anymore.

CHAINMAIL MOMMA

-Blind Lemon Hrothgar
(standard blues format)

Gets up every morning, puts her armor on (3X)
You know you better not mess with her, or you'll be dead and gone!

She's my chainmail momma, and I'm her shield-munchin' man
With axe, sword or spear, she'll kill you any way she can!

Some women slither, and wiggle their shifty shanks
But when my baby walks with me, you know she rings and clanks!

She's my chainmail momma, dressed head to foot in steel
She's my chainmail momma, and she knows a dozen ways to kill!

She loves me day and night, she never lets me get no rest;
I've got that chainmail waffle-weave imprinted on my chest!

She's my chainmail momma, loves me anytime she can,
She's my chainmail momma, and I'm her shield-munchin' man!
(I assume this is copyright, but I don't know by whom.)

DEFENESTRATION

Words and music by Tom Digby

G
If something has you down,
D7
Makes you worry, fret and frown,
G
And causes lots of pain and irritation;

You'll be rid of it right quick
D7
If you know this simple trick:
G
Just use DEFENESTRATION.

If a friend's electric shaver
Ruins your radio's behavior
With static so you cannot hear the station,
Just tell him that you're feared
He will have to grow a beard,
And use DEFENESTRATION.

If the TV-watching crowd
Keeps the volume way up loud
And blaring without pause or hesitation;
Just tell them, "That is all,"
Pull the plug out of the wall,
And use DEFENESTRATION.

If your in-laws all drop in
Time and time again
For a month or two or three of visitation,
They will bother you no more
If you're on an upper floor
When you use DEFENESTRATION.

words and music copyright Tom Digby 1965 (or around then - I got
this from the Filksong Manual, pub 1978, and it didn't give
copyright dates, just previous publications of the FM.)

Treble, C, F#: d!ggggddd!aaaad.
---- -- ----
Treble, F#: d!aaaaaaga!bg.r
- -------- -
Treble, F#: dd!ggggddd!aaaad
-- ---- -- ----
___ __
Treble, F#: d!+D+d+cba!bgG!
- --- -

And another verse by Charlie Luce

If the party's getting grim
With that One-True-Way GM
Who is shafting you in every situation
There is one thing you should know
You've got one last Saving Throw
Just Use Defenestration!

Words copyright Charlie Luce, 1975 or thereabouts

****

This one is going to take some explaining. Over in SF-LIT, we had a person post a message that basically said if you were going to write a book that had adults in it (or anyone over the age of 7 or 8), and these adults were of the opposite sex, you HAD to put in explicit sex scenes. (Note the word *explicit*.) Replies were swift and fairly predictable. On their next post, the person carried on quite a bit saying that sex was THE prime motivator in anyone's life; it influenced every action that was taken. The poster also said that anyone that refused to admit this or to accept it, might as well be a dried up old eunuch. SF-LIT being what it is, we promptly formed a Dried Up Old Eunuch's club (DUOE). We have a graphic for when we are posting in the mode, :* (for pursed up mouth), a symbol (a prune), a motto (just say no) and now, I hope, an anthem.

DUOE ANTHEM

Words by Bettie Dendekker
(Tune: Do Wah Diddy)

Here we are just as happy as can be,
Singing do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do.
Oh, we're the membership of D. U. O. E.,
Singing do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do.
We don't care (we don't care)
If we're caressed (if we're caressed)
We don't care if we're caressed because with sex we're not obsessed.

We don't fool around and we're very proud of that,
Singing do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do.
Our self control is a feather in our cap,
Singing do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do.
We don't neck (we don't neck),
We don't pet (we don't pet),
We don't neck, we don't pet, a goodnight handshake's all you'll get.

Whoa oh oh oh, you might think that we are straight laced.
It's not true, we just think everything has it's place.

Well, we don't think that our sex lives should be aired,
Singing do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do.
What goes on between folks just never should be shared,
Singing do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do.
We won't kiss (we won't kiss)
And then tell (and then tell)
We won't kiss and then tell (though we do it *very* well).
Singing do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do,
We're singing) do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do.

Words copyright Bette Dendekker, 1990

****

DUOE dah, DUOE dah!

Words by Elise
(Tune: Camptown Races)

Dried up eunuchs don't obsess
(Do we? Do we?)
O'er sex, and things that make a mess

(Do we? Do we? Nah!)

Dried up eunuchs don't complain
(Do we? Do we?)
that we no satisfaction gain
(Do we? Do we? Nah!)

Eunuchs have no time to waste
(Do we? Do we?)
We keep in shape by being c/h/a/s/e/d chaste
(Do we? Do we? Yah!)

Words copyright Elise, 1990

FILK DE TUNE

words by Charlie Kellner
(tune: "Kiss de Girl", from _The Little Mermaid_)

There you hear it
Playing on the radio
What it is you just don't know
But there's something about it
And you don't know why
but you're dying to try
You want to filk de tune

Yes, you want to
Listen now, you know you do
Feeling there is just for you
Just reach out and take it
You just change a word
just a single word
And you can filk de tune

Sha la la la la la
Don't be shy
You know you got to try
Come on and filk de tune

Sha la la la la la
Keep in time
And make de words all rhyme
Dat's how you filk de tune

Now's your moment
It's an old familiar tune
You know all the words -- you do
Right down to de letter
But it don't make you laugh
and it won't make you laugh
Until you filk de tune

Sha la la la la la
Don't be scared
You got the rhythm there
Go on and filk de tune

Sha la la la la la
Don't stop now
Don't try to fight it -- how
You want to filk de tune

Sha la la la la la
What you said

It's runnin' through your head
Go on and filk de tune

Sha la la la la la
What you heard
Now you got de words
You got to filk de tune

Filk de tune... Filk de tune... Filk de tune... <fade out slowly>
Go on and filk de tune...

Words copyright Charlie Kellner, 11 July 1990

HAIKU

by Charlie Kellner

I live life balanced
On a razor's edge -- the pain
That keeps me going

****

The following was written by Pat Miller, a local Navy wife, and is currently being played on WCZL (Cool 105.3) one of our local "oldies" stations. It was recorded by the staff members and disc jockeys. I had to request the words because they are laughing so hard during the recording, you can't make most of 'em out!

HIT THE ROAD, IRAQ!

Words by Pat Miller
(Tune:the old Ray Charles hit, "Hit the Road, Jack")

Chorus:

Hit the road, Iraq, and don't you come back no more, no more, no
more, no
more. Hit the road, Iraq, or there's going to be a war.

Hussein, hey, Hussein what does this mean?
Have you gone too far with your war machine?
You've used poison gas on your own men.
Now you're causin' trouble all over again.

Chorus

Oh Saddam, oh Saddam, what's the scoop?
Are you crazy like a fox or another fruit loop?
Get out of Kuwait, leave the Saudis alone.
The world's against you, take your army on home!

Chorus

You thought we'd sit by and let you have your way.
You didn't count on the U. S. A.!
Our advice to you, revise your plan,
Get out of Kuwait as fast as you can.

Chorus

Do you get the message, can you read our lips?
You can't beat our sanctions, troops or ships.

You can push us so far, then we'll start pushing back!
We can always make a parking lot out of Iraq!

Chorus (fade out)

It is, of course, dedicated to all the Hampton Roads military
forces that have
been deployed to Iraq. Our prayers are with them.

Words copyright Pat Miller

HOLLOW HILLS

words and music by Kay Shapero
chording by Barry Gold

Am
They are tall and very fragile,
Dm E7
yet they seem to live forever
Am Dm E7
and they come out of the places where our people do not dare

Am
They bring music out of nowhere
Dm E7
and a light into the shadow
Am E7 Am
for there's magic in the places that they fare.

E7 Dm
They bring gifts to those they favor
Am
and bring death to the unwary
Dm E7
or, capriciously they steal away our kind.

Am
Fearsome hunters, joyous singers
Dm E7
folk of terror, folk of wonder
Am E7 Am
form a puzzle with a key we cannot find.

Dm Am Dm E7 Am
Who are these dwellers in the hollow hills?

Am
We are but your distant cousins
Dm E7
though our ways were split asunder
Am E7
when you sought the forest and we took the plain.

Call us lludi*, call us humans
or a thousand other words that
mean the creature with the ever-searching brain.

Past our needs of pure survival
lies a never ending hunger
all the secrets of the universe to know.

And from you, our gentle neighbors
do we seek an understanding
of the path we left behind so long ago.

We are the dwellers in the hollow hills.

Words and music copyright Kay Shapero, 1989

*Russian for "people". The most musical sounding name for
humanity
that I happened to be familiar with.

Music for the above:
The first line has two different versions,depending on whether
it's
the first or second verse:

first line
for first verse:
Treble,4/4,G#:
a+c+e+f!+e+d+e+c!a+c+d+e!+d+c+db!gb+c+d!+cb+c+d!+cbab!agE!R!
-
for second verse
Treble,4/4,G#:
a+c+e+f!+e+d+e+c!a+c+d+e!+d+c+db!gb+c+d!+cbab!agE!R!
-

rest of song, both verses
Treble, G#:a+c+e+f!+e+d+e+c!a+c+d+e!+d+c+d+b!gb+c+d!+cbag!#fgA!R!
-
Treble,
G#:bb+f+g!+f+e+f+d!b+d+e+f!+e+d+e+c!a+c+d+e!+db+cb!a+cB!R!
-
Treble,
G#: a+c+e+f!+e+d+e+c!a+c+d+e!+d+c+db!gb+c+d!+cbag!#fb+C!R!
-
Treble, G#: +g+f+d+e!+ca+c+d=+dBc=+C!!
-

JESSE HELMS

Words by Lee Gold
(Tune: "Casey Jones")
-
CHORUS:
Jesse Helms - the jerk from Winston-Salem
Where they grow tobacco, and they really make it pay.
Jesse Helms is against the Women's Libbers
And the gays and the Wiccans and the NEA.
-
Now Jesse is a Senator in Washington,
Got lots of committees that he helps to run.
As long as tobacco subsidies hold firm,
He'll get re-elected every term.

CHORUS

Now if you really want to see old Jesse go,
Write your Congresscritter, don't be slow.
Say that you want tobacco subsidies cut;
That's the best way to put out Jesse's butt.

CHORUS

*Words copyright Lee Gold, 1990

(another verse, by Dr Pepper)
Jesse says subsidies are wrong
Taxes mustn't pay for a statue or song
And welfare's just a free ride for bunch of lazy bums

But none of this applies to his tobacco chums

Words copyright Dr Pepper, 1990

LIMERICK

by Charlie Kellner

There once was a girl with a torso
Like Jessica Rabbit's but more so
Her only complaint
Was because Ink and Paint
Gave each of her tits its own floor show

MENTION MY NAME IN.........

Words by Ioseph of Locksley

Mention my name in West Kingdom
It's the greatest little Kingdom in the world
I know a girl there you'll simply adore!
She was Miss Crown-Craver back in AS 4! (So)
Mention my name in West Kingdom
And if you ever get in a mess
Mention my name, (I said)
Mention my name,
But don't you mention my address!

Mention my name to the Dark Horde
They're the greatest bunch of Mongols in the world
I know the big shots inside the yurt walls
We sing "Tomorrow" in their revel halls! (So)
Mention my name to the Dark Horde
Ardjukk and Cherie and Tagan,
Mention my name, (I said)
Mention my name,
But don't you tell 'em where I am!

Mention my name at the Snake Pit
They're the greatest little bunch in the world
I told the KaKhan he'd really go far!
I even gave the Noyan an exploding cigar! (So)
Mention my name at the Snake Pit
Yang and Bork and all of the rest,
Mention my name, (I said)
Mention my name,
But don't you mention my address!

Words copyright W. J. Bethancourt III 1990

MORE REAL OLD TIME RELIGION VERSES

Of Great Murphy much is spoken
For his Law shall not be broken
It's not pretty when he's woken
Things go wrong for you and me

--Dr Pepper

We will be like the Egyptians

Build pyramids to put our crypts in
Fill our subways with inscriptions
And it's good enough for me

--Elise

the following words by Elise

We will sing a verse for Eris
(Golden apples for the fairest!)
Though she sometimes likes to scare us
But she's good enough for me

We will sing for great Diana
Who will teach of love and honor
But you really gotta wanna!
'Cause she's tough enough for me

If your god of choice is Squat
well then trendy, man, you're not -
But you'll get a parking spot!
and that's good enough for me

(Squat's a local deity. Cousin to the Alley God, whom I learned
about through Doc Bonewits.)

words copyright Elise, 1990

NINE

Words: Kay Shapero
(Tune: First three lines are Banks of Sicily, with a new final two (see below))

The foe had invaded and conquered the land
From border to border lay under his hand
And out in a field a lone farmer did stand
Saying "Nine, nine, nine."
Looking down a deep hole saying "Nine."

Up strode an invader with jackboots and sneer
And seeing the farmer not quaking with fear
Said "Peasant, just why are you standing out here
Saying 'Nine, nine, nine.'
Looking down a deep hole saying 'Nine?'"

The farmer ignored him, not shifting an eye
As though the man's voice were a bird's distant cry.
His only reply, if it WAS a reply
Was just "Nine, nine, nine."
Looking down a deep hole saying "Nine."

The soldier said "Peasant, now listen to me.
I order you; tell me just what do you see?"
His voice might as well have been wind through a tree
Whistling "Nine, nine, nine."
Looking down a deep hole saying "Nine."

The soldier then growled "Are you lacking in wit?"
He shook him and said "Are you having a fit?"
The farmer just flipped him right into the pit
And said "Ten, ten, ten"
Looking down a deep hole saying "Ten."

The tune is a Banks of Sicily variant, with modification towards the end:

Treble, 3/4,C: g!gee!edc!fga!Gg!
Treble, C: gee!edc!fec!Bg!
Treble, C: gee!edc!fga!gef!ggg=gR
Treble, C: efg!ggf!edc=Cr!

OUR PETS

words by Jane Louise Lake and Elise
(To the tune of "Our House", Crosby Stills & Nash)

I'll light the cat
You drown the hamsters in the vase
that you bought
today
Staring at the dog
and thinking of meatloaf while I
listen to you
start the blender
in the kitchen
now-ow-ow
(Don't forget the cow!)

Our pets
are very very very fine pets
when lovingly sauteed
or in a light souffle
please pass the angelfish fillet to me

And now
yum yum, yum yum yum yum, yum, (etc. to fill)

Our pets
are very very very fine pets (very fine pets)
when barbecued or baked
I love chameleon steak
A turtle boil or bunny cake
for you

And now
I'll light the cat
while you place the gerbils
and the cute little duckies in
the stew-ew-ew-ew-ew....

Alternate chorus
Words by Jo Kellner

Our pets
Are very very very nice pets
We like them baked or fried
With cole slaw on the side
They're even good when mixed into a stew...

Part of a "Camp Grenada" filk by Elise and Becky

My friend Becky and I wrote one while staying in the Claridge Hotel in Rhinelander, Wisconsin, 'cause we were pissed off at the desk clerk for shushing us when we were giggling in the lobby.
We had been, um, imbibing a bit (both underage), and were in just the sort of mood to write a song to the tune of "Camp Grenada".
As I recall, the first part went something like:

Hi, Aunt Hilda
How's your marriage?
We are staying
At the Claridge
Please be quiet
when you're tanking* (*our slang for boozing)
So the lady at the desk can do her banking.

We got stuck in
The elevators
And the whirlpool
Has alligators
All the roomers
Carry bottles
And the cutest one is four-foot-two and waddles.

It went on (and on and on) from there....

THE BALLAD OF THE GREEN PERFORMER

Words by Jane Rogge Fredericksen, Elise Krueger, Brian Murphy, and whoever else was in the car on the way home from Minrod's wedding
(Tune: The Ballad of the Green Berets)

See-through tights
upon their legs
They can`t dance
or juggle eggs
Three hundred kids
tried out today
and all but three
will get no pay.

You rookies think
this is your chance
to have a Fest-
ival romance
If you'd avoid
embarrassment
Make sure to get
a soundproof tent

Last year I camped
upon the ground
The winds they blew
the rain came down
This year my home
is watertight
I've moved into
a Satellite. (*local brand of Porta-San, Porta-potty*)

A minstrel lives
upon her hat
You won't get rich
Remember that!

You'll never hear
the clink of gold
unless you're cute
and five years old.

(This verse sung in harmony by me and my singing partner - or MOSTLY harmony, anyway:)
This year we're get-
ting kind of mean
We like to turn
the patrons green
Our method to
provoke unease
We sing duets
In different keys!
(*last line suits action to words...*)

You know those guys
called Puke and Snot?
They get put down
an awful lot
They say they're snobs
But hey, who cares?
They're pretty nice
for millionaires....

I worked and prac-
ticed constantly
in hopes the staff
would notice me
They showed me that
they really care
They traded me
to Valleyfair
(*amusement park competitor just down the road*)

This is a mind-
expanding show
I've learned so much
I didn't know
I have discovered
cosmic truth
It's four parts gin
one part vermouth

Words copyright Jane Rogge Fredericksen, Elise Krueger, Brian
Murphy, and whoever else was in the car on the way home from Min-
rod's wedding 1990 (actually is this note really necessary?)

THE CANTERBURY TALES

spelling by Joe Bethancourt

Whan Aprille shoures may coom your waie
They bringen floures that blume in Maie
Soe if ittes rayninge have ne regrettes
Becausse itte isne rayninge rayne, I wis,
Ittes rayninge violettes.

And whan ye se clowdes uppon ye hille,
Ye soone will se crowdes of daffodilles.
Soe keepe on looken for ye bluebirde
And listning for his songe
whan ever Aprille shoures coom alonge!

THE SCAR MANGLED DRAGON

Words by Jeff Grubb and Frank Dickos
(Tune: "The Star Spangled Banner")

Oh Say, can you see
By the red dragon's breath!
All the treasure we saw
Had our fighters' eyes gleaming.
With broad swords and short bows
We could face certain death,
For the clerics were there
Healing thieves with blood streaming.

And the fireball's red glare,
Magic Missiles in air
Gave proof through the fight
That our mage was still there.

Oh say, has that red dragon
Finally been subdued?
If he has, then we are rich -
If he's not, then we're stewed!

UNDER THE BUNNY FUR

words by Elise
(tune: Down By the Riverside)

Well, I wonder what those Tuchux wear
under the bunny fur
it's kind of funny fur
don't cost much money fur
well, I wonder what those Tuchux wear
under the bunny fur
Guess I'll have to look and SEE!
(at last line, make grab for article in question, if one is
feeling brave, foolish AND bored. This one was written at Penn-
sic to while away weary hours a-merchanting.)

WHEN FIRST

Words by Elise
(Tune?)

When first I played before the crowd
My lute was soft, my voice was loud
My first day's hat was not that great...
Two acorns and a paper plate!

If you like fun
and like to laugh
You should be on
Production staff
You'll get a job
that you can keep
It all depends
on where ya sleep.

I've been a peasant
for six years
I've known the joy
I've known the tears
One thing I must
admit is true
I still don't know
just what we do!

YOU NEVER CAN TELL

Words and Music by Elise
(tune original, or use most of Boiled in Lead's version of
The Lusty Young Smith, or whatever fits.)

Lord Angus went down to Crown Tourney
A distance of many a mile
The tales he brought back from his journey
Will keep us amused for a while

Chorus:
For you never can tell at a tourney
You will see things you haven't before
It may seem a bit wild
But it's all pretty mild
You should see what goes on at the War!

He was trying both courtly and suave to appear
To a certain young lady he wished to impress
When what to his wondering eyes should draw near
But the Baron of Nordskogen --- clad in a dress!

Chorus

Oh, the Baron looked really quite fetching
In fact, he could cause quite a stir
But the lady in question was kvetching
That the dress fit him better that her...

Chorus

Twas the corset that made him the belle of the ball
An image that he will not easily escape
Indeed I'm surprised that he got out at all
For we fastened him in with a whole roll of tape!

Chorus

So if period style is your passion
And if being authentic's your quest
Make sure you take note of the fashion
In which Barons are rightly addressed!

Chorus and finis.