When it rains...
MAISON IKKOKU: WHEN IT RAINS...
By Neal Richardson
C & C Welcome
(nrichard@paul.spu.edu)
(This #FanFiction is a remake-of sorts-of "Against All Odds" which had it's roots in a Phil Collins song of the same name)
A dark thunderhead approaches out of the north and a distant peal of thunder coupled with flashes of light bathes the park in a electric gray. I watch Kyoko and Shun run to the car. The first splashes of rain hit them just as they're getting inside. Th e car starts up and pulls out of the lot heading out of my life. I look up at the sky briefly and feel the rain run down face, mingling with the tears.
Kyoko and Shun will be married soon.
I start walking, thankful the process is automatic. I might not have gotten out from underneath that tree, otherwise. I really don't care where I'm wandering at the moment. Everything around me feels alien to me.
I'm soaked to the bone when I arrive on the street where Maison Ikkoku rests. Down the block I can see the ramshackle building--and another figure dressed in red under a black umbrella. For a moment I think it might be Kyoko. But the figure starts walk ing toward me and I can distinguish enough features through the mist to see that it's Akemi.
About halfway down the block she meets me there. She doesn't say anything as she falls into step beside me, relieving me of the rainfall. We walk the rest of the way in silence. My heart's too full to be unburdened easily and Akemi isn't willing to pry for once.
In the foyer of Ikkoku I strip off my soaked jacket while Akemi shakes out her umbrella. "Thanks." I say hoarsely.
She studies me for a moment. "I heard what happened. I'm sorry."
For the first time I can see that she means it. "Where's Kyoko?" I ask.
"In her room." she says. Seeing my expression, she adds "NOT with him." I must have relaxed because she smiles a little. "Look," she says. "I know you're hurting right now. But please take my advice. Don't confront her yet. Cool off a little, get o ut of those wet clothes, and have some tea or something. You care too much for her to intentionally hurt her, right?"
I take a breath as I stand there. I know she's right but that doesn't make the pain any less intense. A part of me that wasn't preoccupied with myself wondered just how often Akemi had gone through this--and what made her reach out to me as I came home.
I made up my mind to ask her about it later.
"You're right, Akemi." I say. I turn from her and ascend the steps to my room. I find it kind of strange to be taking advice from Akemi. Most of the time she's opening her mouth, she's causing me or Kyoko pain, just like Yotsuya or Mrs. Ichinose.
As I change, I'm assailed by another wave of sadness. "All for nothing. The whole damn experience, for nothing." I want to scream, I want to cry, I think I do both. For the next few minutes I don't see much of anything. There's just a lot of white no ise and crashes, similar to the storm outside. When I can see again, the room is a mess. Oddly enough, nothing looks broken. The windows are intact, as is the desk. The chair is upended and the sheets are messed up. Then I'm aware of a throbbing pain my hand. I look down and discover my knuckles are bleeding profusely. "Damn." I say looking around. I find a shirt that I wrap my fist in and see where the damage came from.
There's a hole in my closet door.
I'm staring at it as there's a knock on my door. "Godai? You alright?" It's Kyoko.
"Yeah. I'm fine." I say woodenly.
I guess I wasn't convincing enough because Kyoko opens my door and steps inside. "Oh, my." she says surveying the damage, including my hand.
"Take it out of my deposit," I crack.
"Godai! You're hand." she says and rushes forward to seize it.
"It's fine." I say.
"No, it's not." she says leading me out of the room. "Come on."
She's doing her best not to breach the subject of her engagement to Shun. I'm FRANTICALLY trying not to bring it up. As she cleans up the blood and bandages my hand, I say thanks. She nods.
"While you're at it." I say, trailing off. I just opened a door that should've remained shut. I catch Akemi's eye as she's standing on the other side of the kitchen. She seems to be telling me with her eyes to back off.
I can't.
"Can you fix my heart, as well?" I finish. I tap the new ring on her finger.
She steps away from me, looking like a cornered animal for a second. Then she sighs heavily. She shakes her head. Akemi throws up her hands. "Way to go Godai." she says.
Kyoko doesn't notice but Akemi steps back into the shadows. I guess Akemi likes to listen more than watch. Yotsuya could take lessons from her in that regard.
"I'm sorry for hurting you, Godai." she says.
I stare into her eyes and I can see genuine pain behind them. And yet, for a few moments I just didn't care.
"What WAS I to you, anyway?" I ask.
"Everything you ever thought I was to you except for one--a marriage partner." she says.
That's when it hits me. She never considered me in the same terms I did her. After all we'd been through together, her feelings still hadn't changed. In her mind, I was always a child. Sure I'd grown up but I guess marriage and widowhood has a way of aging people before their time. In terms of experience I was still a kid waiting for the world to kick my ass.
How odd I realize. I've made her laugh, cry and smile. But I can't make her happy. I'm not what she had in mind. A fresh wave of tears is tugging at me.
I turn from her and cross the kitchen until the table is separating us. I lean heavily on it. I look her full in the face and am ready to let her have it.
But I can't do it. I'm still in love with her and I can't hurt her like that.
Kyoko is looking at me, clearly surprised that I haven't laid into her like she might have expected. I reach a decision.
"Well, Kyoko. I'm sorry too. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to start packing. I can't stay here anymore. Too many memories." I turn to leave.
Her words stop me like wet cement.
"Is that all you have to say?" she asks, clearly incredulous.
I whip around, wondering where my resolve went. "All I have to say?" I repeat. "My God! I have so much inside me that wants to get out but can't, BECAUSE YOU SLAMMED THE DOOR ON IT!"
I couldn't stop if someone shot me. "I look at you and see my kids. I see a life, while not materially satisfying, it's heart satsifying. I see a future that I've always longed for, BUT CAN'T HAVE!" My voice drops to a whisper. "Not with you. Not ever."
I collect my thoughts, amazed I'm still rational. "Love's a very selfish thing, I've discovered. My desires weren't the same as yours and because of that I've put my heart through hell. Yes I'm hurt, but this also has hurt you by placing you in this po sition. And for THAT, I'm sorry too."
I throw up my hands and walk away from her. I'd done enough crying for the day and didn't feel like engaging in any more of it.
Yeah, right. Like I could stop that.
As I ascend the steps I see through blurred vision another vision in red. It's Akemi again. She's got a bottle in her hand. She says "Come on, Godai. Before you start packing, have a drink."
I don't protest.
THE END
