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Angstmonster 36
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+ / __ \_ | \ /_/ >\__ \| | Y Y \<_> ) | \__ \| |\ ___/| | \/ +
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* 02.09.04 angstmonster issue 36 *
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¡edited (poorly) by gir¡
AncientWarMoose: hey i found this really cool lighter on ebay
zhixel: the future of t-files is lighters
§+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++¡contents¡++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++§
+ +
+ Brief words from gir +
+ A STORY FROM DUSTY! dusty +
+ That dead feeling gir +
+ Once I split my lip and it bled so much +
+ robot design 101 gir +
+ +
§+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++¡contents¡++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++§
---------------
: Brief Words :
: from gir :
---------------
We are back but it's only me in the driver's seat of this wild ride the likes
of which MISTER TOAD KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT! THAT'S RIGHT MISTER TOAD, YOU'RE
WEAK SHIT NOW! YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE ANGSTMONSTER IS BACK IN FULL FORCE
MINUS OUR ENTIRE STAFF BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO IDEA I AM WRITING THIS! (see kids
that is the power of being the editor of a textfile rag. without your entire
"crew" being any the wiser, you can run amok and start a new issue entirely
written by you and they can not do shit about it. FASCISM RUNS RAMPANT! THIS
IS WHY YOU MY AWESOME COOL READER NEED TO START YOUR OWN EZINE! SAY EFF YOU
TO ALL THEM OTHER TFILE SLOBS IN THE TEXT "SCENE" AND START YOUR NEW JUNX AND
MAKE IT BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE'S! QUANTITY OVER QUALITY ALWAYS!)
So anyways, what's up kids? Does anyone read textfiles anymore? I read this
article in a real live dead tree and ink zine called "broken pencil"
(http://www.brokenpencil.com) and it totally had an article by the great and
might BMC about the current text scene and how much we kick ass. I EVEN GOT
A TOTALLY AWESOME SUBMISSION ABOUT BLOWING SHIT UP FROM SOMEONE. IN FACT, I
AM GOING TO PUT THAT IN THIS ISSUE BECAUSE THAT GUY WASN'T ON MY STAFF!
For some reason, the entire angstmonster universe was hell bent on writing
about baked potatoes. Sixth months ago when that issue was originally
supposed to come out before I abandoned this world to take on a life of my
own, that would have been ok but jump forward to where we are, a world where
the female nipple is a weapon of mass destruction, and what do you have other
than run on sentences? THE ATKINS DIET! First you thought it was just your
favorite chain restaurant or quick stop gas N go sorta place, but no... this
god awful fad has invaded the angstmonster home and accordingly, we must
conform to these standards or risk being labeled terrorists. I have not eaten
a baked potato in that time for FEAR OF MY LIFE BEING STRIPPED FROM ME and
other bad things that happen when you get labeled a terrorist.
Things got really grim for us at angstmonster, in fact they were so grim that
we decided to unplug our server and move it to an undisclosed location in the
southern part of the United States and then to really fuck with people, we
changed over to .com from .org and let some dude selling lighters take up
home where we used to live. Now, the only way we can be tracked if the people
tracking us would happen to be reading this but since we made that totally
awesome switch NO ONE IS THE WISER BUT THOSE OF YOU LUCKY ENOUGH TO BE READING
THIS AWESOME COOL EZINE RIGHT NOW!
With all that out of the way, I bring you ANGSTMONSTER 36's ONLY THING NOT
WRITTEN BY YOURS TRULEY! (don't be fooled though, because it's totally potty
humor)
-----------------------
: A STORY FROM DUSTY! :
: by dusty OF COURSE! :
-----------------------
U said almost anything can get on this site. Which. by the way is so
uncool and sucky that it perfectly suits my mood right now(in the bathtub
on my laptop). Im gonna go nutz in few minutes. i had enough of school
and im gonna snap......im not usually a violent guy but there are some
assholes who are gonna get their heads put in a toilet. ok....now onto a
good poopy story
I have a friend who thought it would be a great idea to blow some shit
up...i mean real, human, feces.......so he saved up for 3 days and shit
in the same bag and stuck it in the freezer......then took it out and
stuck it in the microwave to defrost....no joke. We then took it to a
nearby park an he brought out a small anfo bomb (fertilizer and diesel).
He then proceeded to stuff it into the poop and light it.......this was
death wick...maybe half a centimetre long. badbadbadbadbad mistake...hes
now semi blind in one eye after a pile of shit hit is face hard enough to
bruise it...and i bruised my ribs laughing so much. LEARN FROM THE MORON
AND DONT GET URSELF COVERED IN SHIT!
---------------------
: That dead feeling :
: by gir :
---------------------
I woke up because the room was so cold. The only light came from the tv
humming a dull tun, holding that last note of static, waiting for something
more.
I roll over to face the wall, maybe start a conversation about the night's
dreams. The tv doesn't approve and begins to hiss his static louder.
I ignore it at first. The wall is whispering a secret to me.
I did not want to interrupt what the wall was saying. The way he told his
stories, they were always epic, always important.
I laugh at the funny parts and sob at the sad parts. The whole time the tv
hisses louder in disapproval.
I turn back over when the wall is done with his story.
"Dude, what the fuck is your problem?"
The tv and I are caught in a staring contest.
He makes his move first, flipping from static to the comedy channel.
I give him no response to work with.
This angers the tv and he flips to FOX news.
I flip him the bird for ever allowing bill oreilly to invade my living space
but give no sign of emotion otherwise.
As he goes to make his next move, the wall behind him bulges out like some
sorta soft cement not quite enough parts to be a machine and knocks the tv off
of the dresser.
The crash silences the room with an eerie vibe but then my side of the wall
tells a joke in my ear and I start to laugh.
We quickly forget that we ever had a tv.
Then many years down the road we go to play video games and cannot because
there is no tv. This is when we got our first computer and decided "WHO NEEDS
A TV ANYWAYS!?!"
-----------------------------------------
: Once I bit my lip and it bled so much :
-----------------------------------------
/\ "HI! REMEMBER ME? I USED TO JUST HAVE ONE ARM BUT THANKS TO THE
(**) TOTALLY AWESOME TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCES OF OUR SUPER DUPER DEFENSE
/[]--< INDUSTRY AND OUR SNEAKY ABILITY TO GO THROUGH THEIR TRASH, HAX0R
_/\_ THEIR GIBSONS, AND LIKE STILL THEIR SEEMINGLY "BROKEN" DEVICES, THE
ANGSTMONSTER CREW WAS ABLE TO GIVE ME AN ASCII FITTED ROBOTIC ARM!"
/\ "Ever since then, I have been straight kicking it! Life was really
(**) hard with just one arm, fortunately it was my right arm and not my
/[]--< left. Being left with the hand of similar name would have been really
_/\_ upsetting. But like I said, now that I got a robot arm, life is
good."
/\ "Look at me now, straight reppin' the angstmonster styles! I'm in
(**) angstmonster even after they got extremely popular, sold out, and got
/[]--< a dot com! That must mean that gir has realized my potential as an
_/\_ entertainer and that he will finally let me contribute on a more
regular basis."
/\ "I don't think the lack of content or time constraints have anything
(**) to do with my appearance in angstmonster. I WAS HERE FROM THE VERY
/[]--< BEGINNING WHEN NONE OF YOU KNEW WHAT WAS OF ANGSTMONSTER! I HAVE
_/\_ SACRIFICED MY OWN LIMBS IN THE NAME OF THE HOLY EZINE KNOWN AS
ANGSTMONSTER! YOU! YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING FOR US!"
/\ "But it's all good. I am not angry. I just want to be your friend.
(**) We can totally be friends, you can hang out with the angstmonster
/[]--< crew and it will be totally awesome cause like I'm part of that crew
_/\_ and even though I may not be gir, I can get mad heads up in our
parties. YOU WON'T EVEN HAVE TO WRITE TFILES FOR US!"
/\ "CAN YOU IMAGINE A TEXTFILE CREW WITH MEMBERS THAT ACTUALLY WRITE
(**) TEXTFILES! THAT WOULD BE ALMOST AS NOVEL AS CREW MEMBERS WHO READ
/[]--< THE FINISH PRODUCT! MAN THIS TEXT SCENE IS SO SILLY I THINK I'D MUCH
_/\_ RATHER BE PUTTING SOAP IN MY BUTT THAN HANG OUT WITH YOU GUYS!"
/\ "Some of you won't get that last reference because you aren't old
(**) school like me. Like I said, I've been here from the beginning.
/[]--< What did you ever do for angstmonster?"
_/\_
--------------------
: robot design 101 :
: by gir :
--------------------
Over the years, I as well as many other have thought "WOW WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT
TO HAVE A ROBOT!" So I decided to start building one. Since I am a sociology
student and not an engineer, I have began working on the design in ASCII
characters. He will look cool, but probably won't be able to do much. anyways,
here is what I have so far:
000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
0OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO0OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO0 _______
0OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO0OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO0 |
0OOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOO0OOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOO0 | these are the eyes
0OOOOOOO OOOOOOO0OOOOOOO OOOOOOO0 | they will be the
0OOOOOO OOOOOO0OOOOOO OOOOOO0 | most important
0OOOOO OOOOO0OOOOO OOOOO0 | part of the robot
0OOOO xxxx OOOO0OOOO xxxx OOOO0 | design
0OOOO x/\x OOOO0OOOO x/\x OOOO0 | a robot need to be
0OOOO x\/x OOOO0OOOO x\/x OOOO0 | able to take in as
0OOOO xxxx OOOO0OOOO xxxx OOOO0 | much image based
0OOOO OOOO0OOOO OOOO0 | information as
0OOOOO OOOOO0OOOOO OOOOO0 | possible to better
0OOOOOO OOOOOO0OOOOOO OOOOOO0 | understand his
0OOOOOOO OOOOOOO0OOOOOOO OOOOOOO0 | surroundings
0OOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOO0OOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOO0 |
0OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO0OOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOO0 |
0OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO0OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO0 -------
0ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo0
0ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo0
0ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo0
0ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo0
0ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo0
0ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo0
0ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo0
0ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo0
|______________________________________________|
this area is the neck/mouth area. i haven't decided yet if this robot will
need a mouth, because i am not an expert on what robots eat. if i give the
robot a mouth and digestive track but no food to eat then he will probably die
and end up in robot hell because i do not know how to construct robot souls
either. in fact, i am not much of a good robot builder, i just like ascii art!
æææææææææææææææææææ
æ Æfterthought(s) æ
æææææææææææææææææaæ
As it is the trend to bring back the old schoolness and talk like it's so
original and breaking barriers, we totally did that with this issue. A little
nostalgia for those of you who remember the days when it was just a gir and
his pet angstmonster yanking away with this endless flow of verbal masturbation
that just started picking up again.
During the one year old issue, I promised new shit that broke the conventions
of angstmonster and this right here is it. We took a break, we are back and
soon much things will flow from the anus of the angstmonster and it will all
0wn.
---------------------------------
:WORD UP TO THE FOLLOWING MUSIC :
: (which inspired this issue) :
---------------------------------
bogdan raczynski, the weather(busdriver, radioinactive, and deadelus), aesop
rock, cannibal ox, boom bip, etc
_____
/ |\ |\ /\ |\ |
\ | | |/ |/ < > |/ | *
/ |_| | | \/ |\ | *
FRIENDS:
http://www.bubblemonkey.org/cheesencrackers/ !CHEESENCRACKERS!
http://www.addendumtextfiles.org/ ¿ADDENDUM¿
http://www.neo-comintern.com *THE NEO-COMINTERN*
http://www.angstmonster.com/txt/kob |Kids on Bridges|
http://www.angstmonster.com/txt/kob/blazed -BLAZED-
http://www.textscene.com CURRENT TEXTFILE SCENE
OTHER THINGS WE DO:
http://www.angstmonster.com/txt/turd THE UNDEAD RISE, DAMMIT!
http://www.angstmonster.com/txt/il +iMPULSE LAMEALITY+
http://www.angstmonster.com/txt/idm iNTELLIGENT dANCE mONSTER
?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?¿?
What you have just read was a step into the unknown spontaneous and poorly
edited thoughts for sharing collectively known as "angstmonster." All thoughts
on the matter can be sent to <sars@nextusrecords.com> or you can just visit the
site http://www.angstmonster.com and see what you think. Submissions of all
sorts are welcome! Everything from prose and poetry to rants and opinions,
creative text art, recipes for yummy food, reviews of stuff, etc.
If you you are looking to SUBSCRIBE to angstmonster, send an email to
<gir@angstmonster.com> and say "YES YES DO ADD ME TO YOUR WONDERFUL EMAIL LIST
OF HAPPY FUN DOOM SO I CAN GET A COPY OF ANGSTMONSTER DELIVERED TO MY MAILBOX
EVERY OTHER MONDAY!" Remember, if you don't say those exact words, you shan't
get added to the list.
Thanks and enjoy your day...
copy-cat 2004 issue 36
angstmonster.com 02.09.04
The original copywrit-ish infos that used to make their home here were totally
bitten off of the style of the mighty NeoComIntern. From now on, if you as
a participant in the SCENE OF GLORIOUS TEXT LOVE wish to share our works with
other potential readers, feel free to do so. By free I mean YOU CAN'T SELL IT
TO THEM OR TRY TO BITE OUR STYLES (unless you give some proper creds like are
retroactively being given here). Show love on all fronts, but you yourself
shouldn't be frontin'. word? Nah man, sentence! EFF THAT! TFILE MANG!
TFILE!
