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The Neo-Comintern 216
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The Neo-Comintern Electronic Magazine -- Installment Number 216
.... .. . . . . . . . . . . . . .. ....
`""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'
Subversive Literature for Subverted People
Date: December 8th, 2002
Editor: BMC
Writers: Ahmed Balfouni
Gnarly Wayne
BMC
d""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""b.
;P Featured in this installment: .b
$ $
$ The DeeJay's Guide to Super Powers that Would Suck - Gnarly Wayne $
$ you have a new order - Ahmed Balfouni $
$ Snow - BMC $
`q p'
`nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn'
EDITOR'S NOTE
(please do not read the following)
It is a wonderful dae! These bomb-ass articles are too hype to ignore.
Get ready for a new movement, yo, a new dae.
My computer tells me things. It whispers in my ear. "You are aliiv."
I'm just like, "Word."
As they say, another bomb-ass dae, another bomb-ass issue.
,o$o
o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$Y$$$$b
d$$$' ` `$$b
d$$' The DeeJay's Guide to Super Powers that Would Suck ,$$
$$: by Gnarly Wayne ,$P
`$n,.. . . . . . . . . . . . . ..P'
`"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'
We would all like to have super powers. Let's face it, some of us already
do, but I do not think super powers would be all they are cracked up to
be. Here is a government-funded, top technical secret approach to
quantify these powers based on suckiness factor.
Teleportation: Would be alright for saving on gas and escaping the K.G.B.,
but you would have to be careful about what you thought. Imagine sitting
on the can and then thinking about the classroom that you are late to
attend. *poof* There you are in class with ya drawaz 'round ya anklez.
Nobody would ever drive with you either. You'd be going down the highway
at 150 kilometres per hour with backseat filled with hot chicks and cool
party guys (and beer). You're on your way to some concert when you think
"Man, I wish I was at the concert already." *poof* You have dead friends
everywhere.
Rating: B+
Super Strength: It'd be handy, yeah, that's for sure. Except if you only
got it in a certain area, which is most likely what would happen. Super
strength in one arm would make life very difficult. Every time you turned
the wheel to the right, you'd spin out of control and wrap your Impala 64
'round a telephone pole. Even if you did manage to luck out and get it
everywhere, there is no way that your bones would stand up to the stuff
you would try to punch. Whether or not you can benchpress three semis is
not going to matter when calcium-made bones come face to face with a
brick-made brick wall.
Rating: B-
Invisibility: Why is it that every super being with invisibility can turn
it off at will? You do not see other super powers capable of being
deactivated until your little heart desires it to once again resurface.
Can Superman turn off his super strength? Can Wolverine put his
adamantium skeleton in the closet? Can Galactus not eat planets? The
answers to all these questions are no. No, they cannot. Invisibility
would most likely be permanent, which would be a real pain. Imagine
raising your hand in class because you know the answer and this single
answer will gain you the favour of the teacher (who would be the final
reference you need for the fourty thousand dollar scholarship). Well, if
you were invisible, forget it. Your shaving would be terrible as well and
you would end up with all these patches of hair and just look ridiculous.
Plus you would have one huge weakness. If you ever fell into a mirror
maze, it would take you an uncalculatible, thus far, amount of time.
Rating: B-
Flight: Nothing really wrong with this one other than it is really not all
that super. Hey, you know what else flies? Birds. And planes. And
many different types of insects. Oh good, you can get that frisbee off
the roof. *clap* *clap* Wow, I am real impressed. Call me when you get
some IMPRESSIVE powers, sucka.
Rating: A+
Superspeed: You always see cartoon speedsters doing things like cleaning
up their room faster then you can say "Wha?" or cleaning the bathroom
faster than mom can, and everybody is real impressed. You know what
though? While the speed demon is cleaning the place faster than the
blink of an eye, to him he is cleaning EXACTLY AS FAST AS HE NORMALLY
DOES. Shit, that doesn't save me a joule of work. All it does is save me
about half an hour. Listen, ALL I HAVE is half-hours. People always brag
about how their superspeed prevents them from being late for school and
board meetings. Wow! I already duplicate this power. It's called being
punctual.
Superspeed: It may sound great, but it isn't.
Rating: A-
Hrmmm.. even though I'm a fairly low grade fan of comic books and cartoon
"action" heroes, I was sure I would be able to think of more powers than
these. *shrug* There's always tomorrow, I guess. Use this guide in
indifferent health.
,o$o
o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$Y$$$$b
d$$$' ` `$$b
d$$' you have a new order ,$$
$$: by Ahmed Balfouni ,$P
`$n,.. . . . . . . . . . . . . ..P'
`"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'
so they raid a Pachinko Parlor
paid off in Pogs and Pokémon
the wind blows not at all from the
mouthing face silent at yours
not that any of the city escapes hearing
this what you know by all in all accounts
to be said unfortunately what is yours mine anyhow
in all account books locked up tight for the weekend
anybody's whirl of time and creak of suspicion
and what a blow
the recording angel
sees all knows all
sells to the highest bidder
,o$o
o$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$Y$$$$b
d$$$' ` `$$b
d$$' Snow ,$$
$$: by BMC ,$P
`$n,.. . . . . . . . . . . . . ..P'
`"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""'
Every year, at about the same time, this stuff comes out of the sky and
lands on my face and on the street. It's called snow. People build
snowbodies out of it. They build snowbodies and not snow men because the
term "snow men" is gender exclusive and bad. "Snow men" would technically
be gender constructions, which are bad, as opposed to snow constructions,
which are good.
Not many people like snow, but it can be used for many things. Cooking,
swimming, shopping, etc. Some people like to snow all the time, but when
that happens it is very strange. People come up to them and say "Why are
you snowing? You are a person and so you should not snow but do the
things that people do instead." And then there is an awkward silence.
I was not always familiar with snow. I first saw it when I was about 3
months old, but I bet that I didn't know what it was even then. It is
still very difficult to say exactly what it is. All I know for sure is
that if you put it in a bowl and then take a nap, when you are done taking
a nap the snow will not be in the bowl but it will have been replaced with
lots of water and a little bit of snow will still be there, but probably
not as much as when you went to have a nap. So I hope you had a good nap,
because you will be disappointed to see that you no longer have any snow.
Some people say that no two snow flakes are alike. But I think they are
all pretty much the same. I've never looked at them under a micro scope
before, but I think that they're mostly little white things that fall on
the street and my face. And they disappear when I take a nap. So they're
all pretty much the same, like I said before.
It doesn't snow everywhere in the world, but I still haven't been to a
place where it didn't snow. What I mean to say is that I have never been
to a plce where it has never snowed. Well, except for my house here in
Fredericton. It has never snowed in here. But before the house was built
it probably did snow right in this spot. The house was built in 1782. I
wonder if it snowed back then. I bet it did.
.d&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&b.
The Neo-Comintern Magazine / Online Magazine is seeking submissions.
Unpublished stories and articles of an unusual, experimental, or
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submit works incorporating any or all of the following: Musings, Delvings
into Philosophy, Flights of Fancy, Freefall Selections, and Tales of
General Mirth. The more creative and astray from the norm, the better.
For examples of typical Neo-Comintern writing, see our website at
<http://www.neo-comintern.com>.
Submissions of 25-4000 words are wanted; the average article length is
approximately 200-1000 words. Send submissions via email attachment to
<bmc@neo-comintern.com>, or through ICQ to #29981964.
Contributors will receive copies of the most recent print issue of The
Neo-Comintern; works of any length and type will be considered for
publication in The Neo-Comintern Online Magazine and/or The Neo-Comintern
Magazine.
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copyright 2002 by #216-12/08/02
the neo-comintern
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