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Viewer Discretion vol. 2 issue 2 Aug. 17:99
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\ \ /_/i e w e r issue 2 vol. 2 Aug. 17/99
\ \/| |i s c r e t i o n ISSN 1481-2266
\__| |/ v_d@iname.com
| _ |/ archived at disobey.com
|___|/ http://www.disobey.com/text/
__ __________________ _ __________________ _ _________________ __
__ ________________ _ __________________ _ ___________________ __
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T h e r e a r e 1 3 6 d a y s r e m a i n i n g . . .
In this issue:
WELCOME
QUOTABLE
MORE QUOTABLES - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW MILLER
HORROR - BY ANDREW MILLER
MASS MURDER THEORYSHITE
BOOBS, BOYS & HIGH HEELS - SUBMITTED BY BUNNIE23
VIADUCT DEATH
SERIAL CAT KILLER
OXFORDMORBUS DICKTIONARYSHITE
JOCKITCHSHITE
ETC
:: WELCOME ::
Welcome to the "sex & death" issue. Seems almost everything in this
issue has something to do with death or dying. Except the boobs piece -
that has to do with sex. But seeing as the French refer to the orgasm
as the little death, well, there's the theme dammit.
Death, death, death, sex, death, death, death. Christ, I think I'm
turning Goth or something....Ohhhhh, I'm soooooo depressed...I'm
moooore depressed than anyone....Burp! Ah, excuse me.
Sorry. What was I saying now?...
Oh yeah, This is also the issue where VD dares to scream "Your Boobs
Are The Best Boobs In The World! Feel it, feel them, Your proud tits."
Of course I'm just quoting one Dianne Brill, so don't bother sending
any "you sexist bastard" types of email because I'll just make fun of
you next issue if you do. Just doing our part to help everyone's self
esteem. Uh huh. Social conscious to the fucking bone, that's us. Yup.
So I'm reading last Friday's "Movies" section of the Toronto Star while
also listening to the radio (yes, I can multi-task). In that section of
the paper there are no less than 3 stories on or about KISS and their
movie DETROIT ROCK CITY. I'm reading the last story when "Rock and Roll
all Night" by KISS comes on the radio. It's a strange world at
times... Funny thing is Paul Stanley of KISS was just in town for a
month or so singing the lead in The Phantom Of The Opera (to quite
good reviews I might add). But when he was here he had really short
slicked back hair - he even talked about cutting off all his hair for
the roll in an interview. But the picture of him receiving his star on
some stupid ass Hollywood walk of stars or something the day before, he
has like 8 foot hair. Nice fucking wig Paul.
Oh yeah part two, 4 words: THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. Read Andrew Miller's
review further below for more than 4 words on it and some spoilers as
well. Consider yourself warned. Go see this movie.
Speaking of witch (hehe) I got the following in a spam email take off
of The Blair Witch Project:
The Bare Tits Project
In August of 1999 three beautiful models disappeared
in the woods while making a documentary.
Their footage was never found.
Will you help us look for it?
We sent Julia Parton, Becky Sunshine and Nikki Fritz
into the woods to find visual evidence of the Bare
Tits Witch. They haven't come back. Can you help us
find them and their videotape?
Well, I thought it was funny enough to check out and found a great
graphic take off of the stick figures in the movie. This stick figure
had big, round stick breasts. Pretty humourous given the theme of this
issue.
And on that note, here is yet another issue for you to do with what you
will.... Scream proudly, feel your breasts, love your neighbour, lead
them down into the basement in pairs, whatever works for you...
:: QUOTABLE ::
" My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way."
-Henny Youngman or Andrew Miller I don't remember...
"A Microsoft official downplayed the vulnerability and said users are
at risk only if an untrusted person is looking over their shoulder
during the download. Microsoft will address the problem in a future
version of Internet Explorer, the official said."
-MS rep regarding a ftp username/password bug in IE5
"If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide."
-Mahatma Gandhi (submitted by Andrew Miller)
:: MORE QUOTABLES - SUBMITTED BY ANDREW MILLER ::
If you wish to receive bi-weekly quotes from Mr. Miller, who BTW, is
now declared by VD an "Honourary Canadian". Morbus also holds this coveted
title. If you would like to be declared an Honourary Canadian as well, send
a cheque or money order for $19.95 (US funds only please) made out to "Cash"
and VD will declare you too, an Honourary Canuck.
Anyways, to get Andy's quotes send a note to: amiller@teleport.com and ask
to be put on the quotes list. Tell him that VD sent ya.
** Dreams **
"The poor man is not he who is without a cent, but he who is without a
dream."
-Harry Kemp
"You must go after your wish. As soon as you start to pursue a dream,
your life wakes up and everything has meaning."
-Barbara Sher
** Politics **
"Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges even
when there are no rivers."
-Nikita Khruschev
** Wisdom **
"You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell
whether a man is wise by his questions."
-Naguib, Mahfouz
"It requires wisdom to understand wisdom: the music is nothing if the
audience is deaf."
-Walter Lippman
** Ideas / Imagination **
"I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination.
Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited.
Imagination encircles the world."
-Albert Einstein
"Reality can be beaten with enough imagination."
-Anonymous
"Don't worry about people stealing an idea. If it's original, you will
have to ram it down their throats."
-Howard Aiken
"The people who oppose your ideas are inevitably those who represent
the established order that your ideas will upset."
-Anthony D'Angelo
"I got a lot of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck."
-George Carlin
** Age **
"If the whole world depends on today's youth, I can't see the world
lasting another 100 years."
-Socrates
Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind it doesn't
matter."
-Satchel Paige
"The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie
about your age."
-Lucille Ball
** Relationships **
"The Japanese have a word for it. It's Judo--the art of conquering by
yielding. The Western equivalent of judo is, Yes, dear."
-J. P. McEvoy, Marriage is a romance in which the
hero dies in the first chapter.
"A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in love. Just ask
yourself this one question: "Would I mind being destroyed financially
by this person?"
-Ronnie Shakes
"A date is a job interview that lasts all night. The only difference
between a date and a job interview is that there are not many job
interviews where there's a chance you'll end up naked at the end of
it."
-Jerry Seinfeld
"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog."
-Wendy Liebman
"Keep the sunny side up and the dirty side down and I'll catch you on the
flip-flop good buddy."
-C.W. McCall
"I say men with pierced ears are ready for marriage. They have
experienced pain and bought jewellery."
-Rita Rudner
** Intelligence **
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."
-Joe Theismann, football commentator
** Work **
"It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat
people up."
-Muhammed Ali
** Politics **
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
-unknown
** Comedy **
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open
manhole cover and die."
-Mel Brooks
"In the end, everything is a gag."
-Charlie Chaplin
"What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without
making them puke."
-Steve Martin
Simone: "I know you're right, Pee-wee, but..."
Pee-wee: "But what? Everyone I know has a big but. C'mon, Simone, let's
talk about YOUR big but."
-From _Pee-wee's Big Adventure_ (1985)
** Simpsons **
MARGE: Homer, I've been thinking, if the baby's a boy, what do you
think of the name Larry?
HOMER: Marge, we can't do that! All the kids will call him `Larry
Fairy'.
MARGE: Well, how about Louie?
HOMER: They'll call him `Screwy Louie'.
MARGE: Bob?
HOMER: `Flob'.
MARGE: Luke?
HOMER: `Puke'.
MARGE: Marcus?
HOMER: `Mucus'.
MARGE: What about Bart?
HOMER: Let's see... Bart, Cart, Dart, Ee-art... Nope, can't see any
problem with that!
-----
MARGE: Ooh! A punchbowl like that just screams good taste. Wouldn't
it be perfect for the dinner party.
HOMER: Oh, we can't afford that. Who do you think I am, Liz Taylor?
MARGE: Well, maybe we could use it once, and then return it.
HOMER: Marge, we're not talking about a toothbrush here.
-----
HOMER: This year, I invested in pumpkins. They've been going up the
whole month of October and I got a feeling they're going to peak
right around January. Then, bang! That's when I'll cash in.
:: HORROR - BY ANDREW MILLER ::
Review of "The Blair Witch Project"
by Andrew Miller amiller@teleport.com
"There is more in heaven and earth then is dreamt of in your
philosophies, dear Horatio."
- William Shakespeare, Hamlet
"More shit happens around here then you know of buddy."
- Bill Shakespeare, Hamlet [my paraphrase]
"This is the first horror movie in years and years that actually,
seriously made my heart race in spots. If you have ever spent a night
(or 16) camping in the woods and heard strange noises outside your tent
that just freaked you out completely, then this movie will definitely
strike a cord. Wow."
- Neil, from Viewer Discretion (Hey, that's me!!! -Ed)
***********************************************************************
If you want to know nothing more about this movie except what the
trailers show, do NOT read this review. Some minor spoilers are
included.
***********************************************************************
The movie "The Blair Witch Project" [TBWP] is frightening. Even though
the movie is not literally, factually true, the realization that those
events could happen [in my own personal beliefs] terrifies me.
This amazing, small independent film, which had a budget of $60,000,
has gotten wide mainstream release in the United States and has already
grossed the $10 million mark (This was accurate at the time of writing.
It has now surpassed $100 million - Ed) Plans are underway for the
creators to present an original "stickman" to the Planet Hollywood in
Orlando, Fla.
TBWP is about three student filmmakers (Heather, Josh and Mike)
preparing to take a few video cameras, an audio recorder and camping
supplies into the woods to film a documentary about a local urban
legend, the Blair Witch [not the Wlair Bitch, tho].
As the legend goes, a woman was cast out of the town of Blair in the
1800s and left for dead. Over the years, weird things happened: people
disappeared, bodies were found tied together in a circle, kids were
grabbed by hands rising out of the water and so on. Your usual
"monster-under-the-bed-to-scare-the-children" type thing.
In the 1940's, over a course of two years, seven children disappeared
from the town. In 1942, a hermit, who lived in a cabin deep in the
forest, came forth and told townspeople "I am finished" and admitted to
slaughtering six of the seven kids. The reason he killed them was
"because a disembodied voice of a woman forced him to." He would lead
them to the basement two at a time, forcing one kid to stand facing a
corner while he murdered the other kid.
He was put on trial and executed.
So now we have these three students traipsing around the woods, looking
for the cabin to take shots of it for the documentary. Heather, who is
leading them with a map, gets them lost, then loses the map.
During the days they complain and fight with each other as dread slowly
sets in. At night, things happen: bizarre, unnatural noises are heard;
piles of rocks are left outside their tent (which no animal would have
left); little "stickmen" made out of twigs are left hanging from a tree
outside their tent; a midnight encounter; and so on, each building
until it climaxes horrifyingly at the very end.
TBWP was amazing. Both the production and the direction were well done
[from what I hear, the producers told the three young people to go into
the woods to film stuff and improv] and the editing was masterful.
There was no soundtrack, leaving us to the sounds of the natural (and
unnatural). The audience was given no musical cues... amazing.
Since I first saw TBWP, I've been engaged in a few different
conversations about horror, what about the movie was terrifying, and so
on.
First, the directors used very basic materials to mess our brains with.
Silence. Blackness. The absence of civilization. Unknown and unnatural
noises. Symbols which don't make sense [the rocks and the stickmen were
ominous signs, yet not ones that are well known]. The horror of the
unseen enemy. The objective nature of the documentary camera, allowing
us to voyeuristically see and hear what's happening, as if it were
happening to us.
The movie is filmed as a mock-documentary with incredible realism. We
never see the whatever is supposedly causing this stuff to happen.
Hell, we never KNOW what is doing this stuff... is it the Blair Witch,
the guy from the Cabin or something or someone else? As in the movie
"Se7en," we are forced to imagine the horror in our own minds. We
aren't shown it.
Even as I write this, 9 days after I first saw TBWP, I still get chills
and creepy-crawlies up and down my arms. And I'm not a horror novice;
I've seen my share of movies. Halloween, Hellraiser, Exorcist,
Nightmare on Elm St., Fri. the 13th, and so on and so forth. But only a
small handful of movies have disturbed me: after I saw "Se7en" I was
disturbed for about 4-5 hours; "Natural Born Killers" for about 1 hour.
"Kids" for 2 hours. TBWP tweaked with me for approximately 50 hours.
On a bit more of a humorous note, I surfed the TBWP website the night
after I saw the movie. At 4 a.m. Unbeknownst to me, my computer
speakers were turned up. The windows in my room were open. Big mistake.
You go to the website and text slowly appears on the screen and then
fades to a black screen. Then you hear the "unknown" sound (that the
kids hear outside of their tent in the movie) and I literally jumped
out of my chair and almost shat on myself.
Finally, I am not a gullible person, but the website added so much to
the realistic feeling of the movie that I was unsure for several hours
whether the movie was true or false. The creators have created a legacy
around this movie: film clips, photographs of "evidence," clips from
newspapers and so on.
See this movie. From my observations, 30 percent of people say that it
wasn't scary enough (stemming, perhaps, from the "mainstream-need-to-
see-blood-and-gore-Hollywood-culture"?). The other 70 percent found it
terrifying, disturbing and masterfully done.
Oh, and if you have problems with motion sickness, don't sit in the
first 1/3 of the theatre. People prone to vertigo complained of motion
sickness when they sat too close to the screen.
:: MASS MURDER THEORYSHITE::
Here's a sample list of killers or other criminal types from the news
and the FBI's wanted list:
Buford Furrow
Ottis Elwood Toole
Jose de Jesus Kratc-Usman
Kushi Samuels
Brooklyn Lue
Chiron Sharroll Francis
Esnel Jean
Why did these men commit murder or other heinous crimes you ask?
Because their parents gave them such stupid fucking names. Because of
names like Buford & Ottis Elwood, the kids were singled out as knobs
while growing up and ended up as hate filled social retards with
violent inferiority complexes...and guns. Of course I don't have any
scientific evidence to back this but it is a pretty strong hunch...
Oh yeah and most of them are from the South...
:: BOOBS, BOYS & HIGH HEELS - SUBMITTED BY BUNNIE23 ::
A good friend of mine, Bunnie23, sent me this collection of quotes from
Dianne Brill's out of print book "Boobs, Boys & High Heels". And I
thought I would share them with you all in return... Thanks B23.
"If you don't know "their" rules, you have no limitations. That has
always been and continues to be my guideline for success. In work and
in love. With friends and lovers. From nightlife into daylife."
"I realized that the key to making it in business was believing in what
I had to offer. And I know this applies to just about every career and
especially to love. Because without that unshakable belief, it doesn't
matter if you're giving the stuff away...nobody will want it."
"I know that when I really put my mind, heart, soul, back and boobs
into a project, it will work. You can do the same."
"A true sex goddess is not a bitch (though she may play one on
occasion). She adores women as much as men (usually in a different way)
and values the spiritual bond of Babedom."
"There is Love God potential in every guy. English can be learned. Fu
Manchu moustaches can be shaved off. Pecs can be developed, and style
can be acquired (or enforced by you, Grand Dame of the Fashion Patrol)"
"The rule of thumb is when in doubt, overdress! Be sure your heels
will be at least two inches higher than any other woman's in a given
environment."
"Whenever barefoot, tiptoe."
"Too many men? No such thing, doll, when there's so much love sampling
to be done. Have a harem of hims, those datable delights waiting for
their hot little love angel: vous. Hmmm. At its finest, monogamy
takes you to the highest heights, and eventually you will find that
sole soul mate...but take it slow. Procrastination is key when you're
looking for love-lasting. Date till you drop! Close your eyes...pick
one (okay, leave your eyes open and pick one!). Be ambitious for love
while holding out on changing the monograms on your new towels after
his first call. Save the "is-he-going-to-be-the-one" mind chant for
later, like on the fifth call. This way, you can make the right choice
after the fab old days of boy scouting. There are so many types of
men, yours for the dating! Which is your type? Did you say "all"?
Good answer! Be versatile! Be democratic! Different kinds of men will
fill a variety of your social calendar."
"Weight is a cultural condition. A media condition. The desire to
lose/gain weight or become any particular shape is based on a
collective image, somebody else's idea of the woman of the moment.
Today's concept of the ideal bod is different from that of the past and
probably won't resemble the accepted fab figure of the future. Because
there's no such thing as a timeless, ultimate proportion, there's
no such thing as a timeless, ultimate diet."
"Size isn't the issue. What you do with it is."
"You have the right to be the body type that you are at any particular
moment. The key, I believe, is that you have to completely embody the
ideal of that body in all respects. What that means, babe, is truly
believing that your body is the best body."
"Simply feel secure in the knowledge that what you've got is special
and deserving of adoration. Only if you have the strength of this
conviction will you have the great guys of the world eating out of your
hand."
"Ignore what your family, friends, and the glamourexic "bulimic
moderns" are pushing on you."
"Think of yourself as a marble sculpture, a Venus. Have you ever seen a
skinny Venus? You have to be regal."
"No department store "fat people's" underwear ever! Stockings, the
finest quality, and always black. Guys love nearly naked voluptuosness;
they give everything they've got when you inspire them
with your being. With your soft skin luminous in satin and garters,
envelop him. Be generous. He wants all of you. Now give that boy
what he deserves!"
"Don't be afraid to show that you love food: A hearty appetite for
eating signals a healthy hunger in other areas your date will surely
appreciate."
"And speaking of sex, seduction becomes a bigger, more dramatic affair
when you're big. Sex Goddesses are generally larger than life. You
can get away with more extremes in behavior. For instance, grabbing
him to your breasts, growling throatily, throwing *him* up against a
wall - all these antics might seem silly done by a smaller seducer, but
they're natural for the big one."
"You have great boobs. Believe me, you do. They may not seem so to
you, but like all other aspects of the Goddess Complex, boobs are a
matter of attitude more than inches or consistency. Size, for
instance, is such a subjective thing. Think about it. Your boobs
are bigger now than they were when you were on the brink of adolescent,
right? Firmness is also subjective. In the hands of your man, your
breasts are sublime! He loves the way you feel when he's holding
you, even more maybe than if you were made of saline or silicone,
because whatever shape they're in they belong to you, and you and yours
is what he wants. Remember, it's not what you've got, it's what you
think you've got (and what they think you've got!) that counts. If you
think you've got fab boobs, you do. Thrust them out! Flaunt them
forward! Maybe you feel your boobs are "too wide apart", "too pointy",
"too round" "too droopy"....oh, you babes: Shut up! Dianne Brill is
here to tell you that Your Boobs Are The Best Boobs In The World! Feel
it, feel them, Your proud t*ts. Believe."
:: VIADUCT DEATH ::
There's this bridge joining to the two halves of the city of Toronto.
It's called the Bloor Street Viaduct, built in 1919. It was
immortalized in Michael Ondaatjee's incredible book "In the Skin of a
Lion". It's a high bridge spanning the Don River and the Don Valley in
general. Well, since 1919 when the bridge open over 300 people have
committed suicide by jumping off it (in a side note, I had a friend who
was an ambulance attendant who told me of being first on the scene of a
jumper from there. The person was hanging, bent at the midriff, over a
security fence. He said the person was elongated like a cartoon
character with intestines and guts tangled up within the fence - neat).
Anyways, the powers that be are building an anti-suicide barrier on
both sides of the bridge. For some reason this bothers me. I think
people should be allowed to commit suicide from public structures if
they so desire. Perhaps these suicide wannabes are being discriminated
against? I think they should get up in arms and start committing mass
suicides from city owned flag poles, stages, boardwalks, street curbs,
etc. Make the city put anti-suicide barriers on everything damnit. So I
guess if you live in around Toronto, or planning a combination visit
and suicide attempt, and want to be one of the last people to do it
from the Bloor Street Viaduct, then you better get here soon. Hey,
there's an a idea - have a contest to see who is the last person to
successfully kill themselves by jumping off the bridge! Give their
relatives a bunch of prizes and whatnot, immortalize the suicidee in
a portrait - in mid flight on the way down - it would be great. I think
I'll propose it to city council....
:: SERIAL CAT KILLER ::
It seems that there is a serial cat killer on the loose in the Toronto
suburb of Willowdale. 3 dead cats were just found recently along with
5 found last month. The 5 were all in a garbage bin. Of the most recent
3 found one was decapitated, one was cut in half, the other was just
dead. They are doing a autopsy to determine the cause of death of that
one. Really. The news story noted that no collar was found on the
decapitated cat. Duh. Cat owners are advised to keep there cats indoors
or on leashes when outside. Yeah. Sure. Authorities say there is
nothing to link the killings. Seriously. I don't make this shit up, I
just report it. I think if they really want to solve this case they are
going to have to check the menus of the restaurants in the area where
the cats were found...tasty... And before you cat lovers on the list
(MM & Angie) start sending me "how could you... you evil motherf..."
notes, remember your words will be used against you next issue...(if
that ain't a challenge I don't what is...)
:: OXFORDMORBUS DICKTIONARY ::
Ug - pronounced uh-g (hard 'g' sound), verb, New Hampshire slang
meaning: 1)when one shouldn't have to thank another for additional
services or favours rendered as part of a larger service
arrangement but does, the proprietor responds with "Ug". Which is
to "ug" it out, as in a comment tag in HTML code or a REM comment
in DOS.
:: JOCKITCHSHITE ::
I read a story in the paper about a football player - Leonard Little
of the St. Louis something or others in the NFL - who pleaded guilty
to involuntary manslaughter after running a red light and smashing into
a woman, killing her real good. Of course ole JockItch was piss drunk.
The NFL in turn suspended him from playing in eight games for violation
of the League's substance abuse policy (only *after* the conviction
though. If he was found innocent he'd have no NFL penalties I'd assume - not
that he really has any NFL penalties now...). He's still allowed
to attend practices and play in exhibition games. Something is
seriously fucking wrong here...Now I feel even more justified in hating
football.
:: ETC ::
You can catch VD. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. If you want VD delivered
to your mailbox, send an empty email to: v_d-subscribe@makelist.com
Conversely, if you don't want VD, figure it out (it has something to do
with empty mail and v_d-unsubscribe@makelist.com - duh).
If you have something you'd like to see in VD or an idea for a section
you'd like to write or whatever, type it up and send it in a note to
v_d@iname.com or don't.
Next issue August 31/99 <-yes! a 3 issue month -woohoo!!!
__ _______________ _ ___________________ _ _____________________ __
__ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __
__ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __
Morbus made me put this here cos he's a "visionary"...
Viewer Discretion and its back issues are available at:
http://www.disobey.com/text/
Viewer Discretion, VD, its content are. <-Zen style copyright, uh yeah.
Copyright 1998-2000 Neil MacKay <-Legal style copyright, uh huh.
Publication by Disobey.
http://www.disobey.com/
TO SUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Subscribe ViewerDiscretion
TO UNSUBSCRIBE: majordomo@disobey.com BODY: Unsubscribe ViewerDiscretion
...whatever...dogs bark...but the caravan moves on.
__ ___________________ _ ___________________ _ _________________ __
__ _________________ _ ___________________ _ ___________________ __
__ _______________ _ ___________________ _ _____________________ __
