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Kunt 02
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Uh 0h@#$#*#!!!! l00Kz LiK3 Th0Ze M1ZCr34NtZ R B4K@!#!!! It'Z...
BeAfRaIdBeVeRyAfRaIdBeAfRaIdBeVeRyAfRaIdBeAfRaIdBeVeRyAfRaIdBeAfRaIdBeVeRyAfRaId
W G
E==| |== _ |.\ _ _ _ |--| _ I
S | | |.| |_ |_/ |_ | | | |> |\ | |..| |_ V
E | | | | |_ | \ |_ | |_| |\ | \| |__| | o o o E
L ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ______________ I
L |@@@@| /@@@/ |@@@@| |@@@@| |@@@@\ |@@@@| |@@@@@@@@@@@@@@| N
O |@@@@| /@@@/ |@@@@| |@@@@| |@@@@@\ |@@@@| |@@@@@@@@@@@@@@| T
U |@@@@| /@@@/ |@@@@| |@@@@| |@@@@@@\ |@@@@| |@@@@@@@@@@@@@@| O
R |@@@@|/@@@/ |@@@@| |@@@@| |@@@@@@@\|@@@@| |@@@@| K
S |@@@@@@@@/ |@@@@| |@@@@| |@@@@@@@@@@@@@| |@@@@| U
O |@@@@@@@@\ |@@@@| |@@@@| |@@@@@@@@@@@@@| |@@@@| N
U |@@@@|\@@@\ |@@@@| |@@@@| |@@@@|\@@@@@@@| |@@@@| T
L |@@@@| \@@@\ |@@@@|___|@@@@| |@@@@| \@@@@@@| |@@@@| S
S |@@@@| \@@@\ |@@@@@@@@@@@@@| |@@@@| \@@@@@| |@@@@| P
4 |@@@@| \@@@\ |@@@@@@@@@@@@@| |@@@@| \@@@@| |@@@@| O
C=====================================================================W
A==I==N===D===U===S===T===R===I===E===Z=,===L===I===M===I===T===E==D==E
S=====================================================================R
H S
<o><o> Wh4t3v3r Ew3 D3W, KuNT Iz W4TcH1Ng 3W3 <o><o>
$~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*$
$TH3 0FF1C14L KUNT N3WZL3TT3R$
$ V0LUM3 1, 155U3 2 $
$*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~$
KuNT 1Z:
F33RL3ZZ L33D3R 4ND 4LL4R0UND EL33T GUY
########%%%+SaTaNuS MaXiMuS+%%%########
M4ZT3R PR0GR4MM3R, M4ZT3R H4QR,
M4ZT3R 0F AZZK3Y, M4ZT3R 0F UR M0M
@&@&@&@&@&!>>>> D1G1S4URUS H3X <<<<!&@&@&@&@&@
KuNT AlZ0 F33TUR3Z----===>
V1CE PR3ZID3NTZ M3MB3RZ
& & % %
& TH3 S1L1C0N F4RM3R & % TH4 SYB3R-P0NT1FF %
& D34DL1N3 & % D1G1T4L M1LK5H4K3 %
& & % %
C0NTR1BUT1NG WR1T3RZ FR13NDZ 0F KUNT
# # $ $
# R1CH4RD CR3T4N # $JEZUS CHRIST P0RN0 ST4R$
# TH3 M0RM0NZ # $ SUM GUY N4M3D J03 $
# S1ZT3R M4RY PHUCKF4C3 # $ C4PT41N K1PL0H 4ND HH $
KUNT -- D4 FR35HM4K3R
N3V3R WH1STL3 WH1L3 UR P1551NG
U K4N PR3V3NT H34RTBURN C0MPL3T3LY W1TH KUNT
KUNT, N0W W1TH 4 T4NGY B0LD N3W T45TE
N3V3R TRU5T 4 KUNTL1NG
"I Had to Kill them...because KuNT Made me do it!"
L0G1N SUCC355FUL, 4CC355 R35TR1CT10N5 4PPLY
@*$^!@)$&@_$^@_$^&@(^%T$(!#(%T@$(%#!(%$)(!#%#$!(%$)_#^%_)^$%(&#_*^&@()%$#&%@~*%%
W3LCUM 2 D4 W0RLD 0V KUNT@#@!!!!
V0LUM3 1, 155U3 2
M0R3 3L33T D4N D4 0R1G1N4L
KUNT K0NT41NZ D3Z3 4RT1CL3Z:
01.=============================================>4N 3XC1T1NG T4L3 0F KUNT 0N 1RC
02.=================================================>S3CUR1TY BULL3T1N FR0M M4NT
03.=====================>TH3 4DV3NTUR3Z 0F K0MM4ND3R K-K33N 4ND TH3 B1SQU1K B0YZ
04.=====================================================>Y0U TH1NK Y0U'R3 3L1T3?
05.====================================>ST3V3 C4S3 1S D3AD, L0NG L1V3 ST3V3 C4S3
06.==========================================================>L3TT3R T0 D4 PR3SS
07.====================================================>TH3 4P0C4LYPS3 1S C0M1NG
08.=============================>13 FUN TH1NGZ T0 D0 W1TH TH3 FL3SH 34T1NG V1RUS
09.=================================>H0W T0 T4K3 0V3R TH3 W0RLD 1N 10 3ASY ST3PS
10.=============================================================>H0W T0 M4K3 LSD
11.====================================================================>Y0U SUCK
12.=================================================>KuNT 1NF1LTR4T3Z 3V3RYTH1NG
13.=======================================>S0C14L 3NG1N33R1NG F0R FUN 4ND PR0F1T
@*$^!@)$&@_$^@_$^&@(^%T$(!#(%T@$(%#!(%$)(!#%#$!(%$)_#^%_)^$%(&#_*^&@()%$#&%@~*%%
N1T3 0v d4 l1v1nG K-L4M3rZ!#@#!!!
D1Z iz 4 t4l3 az t0lD 4t d4 FiRzT AnnU4L KoNfeRenZe 4 b3c0m1nG K-L33t, Wh1cH
wuZ h0Zt3d by n0n3 0th3r D4n KuNT. W3 SUgg3zT LiZt3n1ng 2 d4 s0nG "Night of the
Living Rednecks" by d4 D34d K3nn3dyz Wh1l3 r33d1nG d1z St0rY.
S4T4NuS'z k3yb04rd br0k3! n0w w3'LL h4x0r 4nyth1ng. w3'LL 3v3n h4x0r M1tn1k'z
c0mput3r! wh0 d4 fUq iz d4t L4m4h, 4nyw4y'z? 0000h, pUt d4 d4nze sh0eZ 0n,
1t'z t3chn0 t1m3! 1 w4nna t3lL u 4 sT0rY aB0uT D4 L4zT t1Me 1 wUz h4q1ng
4r0und h3r3 0n UnD3Rn3t. d4 n1t3 w3 h4x0r3d d4 sUp3rc0mpUt3r r0und h3r3, i wUz
ch4tTiNg 0n 1RC aB0ut 3 4M(4 l0t ov p3rSuNz g0 t0 CyB3Rw4nK aR0UnD 3 4M h3r3),
4nD 1 wUz h4Q1Ng a10ng Wh3N SuDD3NlY Th3z3 w4nk3rZ w1tH 4n e133t irc11 ScR1pt
c0m3 a10nG. 1t h4d f100d1nG, c10n3b0tz, 3v3rYth1nG bUt d4 0:L1n3 H4Q. 1t
wUz 4 r34l-l1f3 h4Qr 41d 4 sUm DuM m41nfr4m3 0s g33k. w3ll, d3y c4m3 1nt0 mY
ch4nn3l, 4nD d3y Typ3d wH4t DuM M41nfr4m3 0s g33kz uzzua11y tYp3: "HEY BABY!
M/F?" aNd d3y St4rT3D Fl00d1nG d4 Ch4Nn3l W1th 1t. Z0, 1 s4t Th3r3 tH1nK1ng,
"Wh4t 4 bUnCh 0v K-L4m3rz@#$@!!!!," 4nD pr3p4r3d my 3l33teR k1ll3r g0lD ScriPt.
1 w41t3d 4nD k1cK3d d3m oFF d4 ch4nn3L, 4nD sUr3 3nuFF, d3y j01n3d 0uR p4l4ce
0v 3l33tn3zz aG41n, 4nD d3y s3d, "WHERE DA FUCK CAN WE GET HOT WET CHICKS??" and
1 s3d, "h0w d4 FuQ ShUd EyE Kn0? KuNT 4lr3dy h4z 3nuFF Ch1kkZ!@%#!!" aNd d3y
st4rt3d fl00d1ng 4g41n. s0 EyE St4rTeD th3 ScR1Pt 4nD m4d3 50 fL00dB4wTz t0
h4Q d3m, d3ztr0y1ng d3r f1l3z 4l0Ng w1tH sUm ov d3r irc11 scr1ptz. d3y j01n3d
sUm l4M3 h3lP Ch4nn3l Wh0ze n4m3 1 d0n't g1v3 4 fUq 4b0ut, 4nD d3y g0t 4nuTh3r
sCr1pT, 4nD StArt3d C10n1ng, y3ll1nG, "WERE GUNA FUCK YOU UP YOU GODDAMN HACKER!
WERE GUNNA FUCK YOU UP YOU LITTLE GAY FAGGIT!" s0 1 w3nt t0 4n0tH3r l4m3 ch4n,
t00k 1t 0v3r, 4nD M4de 1t PlUz ISLK s0 d3y C0uLdn'T h4q m3. s0 d3y b3g4n MsG
m3 w1th "WERE GUNNA KILL YOU HACKER! WERE GUNNA KILL YOU GAY FAGGIT!" EyE
jUzt 1gN0R3d d3m. s0 d4 p3rSuNz 1 t00k d4 ch4n fruM w3r3 sT1LL h3r3 4nD 4 l4m3r
n4m3d cR4X s3d, "oh no look at him! he's a badass evil hacker boy!" 4nD EyE
tH0uGht, "Ah H4! 1 n0W H4Z 4 k-K00L10 KuNT pL4n@%$!%!" s0 1 m3ss4ge d4 g33kZ,
"c4LL d4 AuTh0R1t1eZ!!! 1'm 4 Cl0nEb0tt3r! Pl33Ze Pl33ze, g3t m3 /k1ll3d, 1'm
3V1L! C4LL d4 0p3rZ t0 t4k3 m3 4w4y! Pl33z3! I w4nn4 b3 k1ll3d@#!@!!!" S0
d3y s3z, "OK HACKER! WERE CALLING THE IRC OPERATORS!!!" s0 d3y mSg 3tt1l, 4nD
d4 B1TcH j01nz d4 cH4NN3l, 4nD 1 tH1nK, "Th4nX t0 d4 M1GhTy KuNT l33d3r 1n d4
SkY! d4 IrC0P w1LL h3lP m3 g3t 4w4y fRuM d3z3 p3rVz!!" Sh3 Cl34Rz d4 ch4n,
s3z, "Hackers are not allowed, you bad man!" k1lLz m3 4 f3w t1m3z, 4nD 0pZ
h3rSeLf. Th3n Sh3 St4rTz t4Lk1nG t0 d4 g33kZ. "Now what exactly happened here?
Looks like we'll have to gline him, but I've got to make it look like I'm not
totally on PMS today first." s0 d4 g33kZ h4d 4n 3l33t pL4n oV Th31r 0wn! 4n
3l33t pl4n 0f n34r KuNTLy Pr0p0rT10nZ! Th3y s3z, "THIS GUY BROKE MY CLONEBOT
SCRIPT! MY ELEET IRCII SCRIPT! SO I GOT MY FLOOD SCRIPT AND WANTED TO KILL
HIM! I WANNA KILL HIM! LEMME FLOOD HIS ASS OFF!!!!" s0 3tt1l 4ut0b4nZ h1m
4nD Sh3 4ut0b4nZ m3. 4nD Sh3 3d1tz d4 l0g t0 m4k3 uZ l00k l3zz 3l33t. s0 EyE
Th1nX, "s0 D1z 1z Und3Rn3t? UnH4Ck4bL3, m0d3r4t3d, Und3rn3t." s4t4nuZ, 3w3 f1x
uR k3tb04rd y3t? 1t'z st1LL br0k3. s0 Wh4t 3lzE d0 EwE w4nT t0 HeRe? 1'm
0utt4 UnCl4ZZiF13d KuNT H4Q T4l3z. d4t'z a11 TrU3, Alz0. JuZt AzK d3aDL1ne.
d4 n3Xt d4y EyE h4d h1m h4x0r Und3rn3t. KuNT RulEz!
d4 3nD n StuPH
@*$^!@)$&@_$^@_$^&@(^%T$(!#(%T@$(%#!(%$)(!#%#$!(%$)_#^%_)^$%(&#_*^&@()%$#&%@~*%%
uh0h@ ^&#&^&*!!!!!!!H0w d1d D1z g3t h3R3?????
Oh no! Some computer hackers are doing bad things! Look like we need...
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###### ###### ###### ###### ###### ###### ######
-----------INTERNATIONAL---SYSTEMS---SECURITY,---INCORPORATED----------
"We burn hackers at the stake, like GOD intended!"
########PRESIDENT, CEO, HEAD OF DIRECTORS BOARD########
# James "Netcop" Keegan #
#######################################################
##NETWORK ADMINISTRATOR AND HEAD OF "NEKSUX" DIVISION##
# Adam "Warezer" Alexander #
#######################################################
##KNOW THY ENEMY DIVISION##
# Graham "2600" Bullers #
###########################
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WHAT IS MANT?
MANT is a conservative Christian Anti-Hacker group formed under the word
of the LORD to find, punish, and eventually DESTROY those who would use comput-
ers for anything other than pure and wholesome purposes. MANT played a key role
in producing the original CDA law, and will fight hard to make sure that God's
word is carried through again and that smut is totally eliminated from this im-
pure "Internet." In exchange for their services to senator Exon, they have been
provided with a machine running UNIX so they can make things safe. Unfortunatly
none of the MANT teams knows how to use UNIX beyond logging onto IRC, but they
will be sure that IRC remains clean.
Seeing a problem in their lack of knowledge about the "Dark side" of
computer useage, MANT has decided to recruit one of the enemy onto their team.
One Graham Bullers is the newest to join MANT's ranks. While Graham knows even
less about UNIX than even the Network Administrator, he was able to provide MANT
with a text called the "Jolly Roger's Cookbook," which details all the most up-
to-date and potent techiniques possessed by the hacker community. MANT is cer-
tain that with the use of this document, they can easily put an end to all hack-
ing and sin on the Internet.
MANT asks that you remember the following passages from the Most Holy
Book of the Lord while you travel on IRC: Genesis 1:1, Exodus 15:4, Mark 7:3,
Luke 34:6, Revelat$^(#7@*#$^&#
# #* #*(%) %)#
)%_)_%$#(%&)_#$*_%
$)%)%&)%_&%)(%(&%Y(*#)&%)%()
&#&$#KuNT Iz InT3RrUpT1nG Th1Z Tr4NzMisS10n$(*$*!!!!
l00kZ l1K3 KuNT H4Z SuM K0Mp3t1T10n#^T^#&!!!!!!
T1m3 2 S33 WuT Th3z3 d00dZ R m4d3 ov@^%$#^!!!!!!!!!!!
[d1g1s4ur@h3x d1g1s4ur]$ telnet abraham.mant.org
Trying 205.666.69.1...
Connected to abraham.mant.org.
Escape character is '^]'.
Abraham.MANT.org
Linux 1.2.13 on an i386
abraham login: root /* l00kZ L1K3 W3'LL H4V 2 HaQ it...leezzee..let'z
password: TrY "root" */
________________________________________________________________
| |
| WELCOME TO ABRAHAM.MANT.ORG |
| "THOU SHALT NOT KILL!" |
| REMEMBER, HACKING IS A SIN! |
|________________________________________________________________|
Last login from nose.karl-marden.net. /* YeZ! We'Ze In!!!! */
[root@abraham /root]# w /* WhO ElZe Iz H3r3??? */
12:00pm up 5 days, 23:20, 7 users, load average: 0.00, 0.00, 0.00
User tty login@ idle JCPU PCPU what
root tty1 Fri 10am 1 vi child.sex.story
yacko ttyp0 Fri 10am 10 xv 6yroldorgy.jpg
chop ttyp1 Sat 3pm 2 irc GayStud atlanta.ga.us.undern
bullers ttyp2 Sat 4am 7 rn
[root@abraham /root]# ps -ux /* TeW KrOwded 4 My Tastes..let's get
RiD Of Sum LaMAhZ */
USER PID %CPU %MEM SIZE RSS TTY STAT START TIME COMMAND
root 1 0.0 0.4 864 64 ? S N Aug 15 0:13 init auto
root 6 0.0 0.3 840 52 ? S N Aug 15 0:26 (update)
root 7 0.0 0.5 840 80 ? S N Aug 15 0:06 update (bdflush)
root 37 0.0 1.0 888 156 ? S N Aug 15 2:41 /usr/sbin/syslogd
root 39 0.0 0.0 860 0 ? SWN Aug 15 0:00 (klogd)
root 41 0.0 0.5 884 76 ? S N Aug 15 0:02 /usr/sbin/inetd
root 43 0.0 0.6 1008 104 ? S N Aug 15 0:00 /usr/sbin/named
root 45 0.0 0.0 872 0 ? SWN Aug 15 0:00 (lpd)
root 48 0.0 1.2 1108 192 ? S N Aug 15 0:00 sendmail: accepting con
root 58 0.0 0.7 1192 112 ? S N Aug 15 0:15 httpd-root
root 69 0.0 0.0 844 0 v02 SWN Aug 15 0:00 (agetty)
root 70 0.0 0.0 844 0 v03 SWN Aug 15 0:00 (agetty)
root 71 0.0 0.0 844 0 v04 SWN Aug 15 0:00 (agetty)
root 72 0.0 0.0 844 0 v05 SWN Aug 15 0:00 (agetty)
root 73 0.0 0.0 844 0 v06 SWN Aug 15 0:00 (agetty)
chop 123 0.0 0.0 576 0 SWN Aug 16 0:03 irc GayStud atlanta.ga.
chop 425 0.0 0.0 463 0 S N Aug 16 0:03 -bash
yacko 563 0.0 0.0 643 0 SWN Aug 15 0:11 xv 6yroldorgy.jpg
yacko 564 0.0 0.0 398 0 S N Aug 15 0:11 -bash
bullers 565 0.0 0.0 342 0 SWN Aug 17 0:08 rn
bullers 566 0.0 0.0 743 0 S N Aug 17 0:08 -bash
root 569 0.0 0.0 353 0 SWN Aug 19 0:00 bash
root 570 0.0 0.0 351 0 SWN Aug 19 0:00 ps -ux
[root@abraham]# kill -9 425 /* Thiz Iz BettEr */
[root@abraham]# kill -9 564
[root@abraham]# kill -9 566
[root@abraham]#
Message from root on tty1 at 01:54 ...
Stop killing my users or else I'll call my mommy on you! waaaaa!
EOF
[root@abraham]# rm -rf /var /* L00kZ L1k3 EyE Bett3R 4kT FaZt N KoV3R Up */
[root@abraham]# gunzip sekrit.tar.gz /* TiMe 4 UltImAtE SeKriT RevEngE... */
[root@abraham]# tar -xf sekrit.tar
[root@abraham]# cd sekrit /* EveRyThIng SeeMz In PlaCe....... */
[root@abraham]# make 386 ; make install
gcc -O -m386 -o vms pain.o suffering.h suckystuff.o evil.o vms.c
mv vms /vmlinux
VMS VERSION 4.0 IS NOW INSTALLED ON YOUR SYSTEM!
[root@abraham]# shutdown -r now
Boadcast Message from root on ttyp3 ...
The System is going down for reboot NOW!
Connection closed by foreign host.
[d1g1s4ur@h3x d1g1s4ur]$ logout /* My WeRk HeRe Iz Dun */
@*$^!@)$&@_$^@_$^&@(^%T$(!#(%T@$(%#!(%$)(!#%#$!(%$)_#^%_)^$%(&#_*^&@()%$#&%@~*%%
Uh 0h@^$^!!!! l00kz L41k3 KuNT Iz CoRRupT1nG D4 P0PUl4R M3d14!!!11!!!
(ThiZ Iz WhAT HaPPeNZ WhEN A KuNTLiNG MiXEZ NyQUiL N DaYQUiL)
T H E A D V E N T U R E S O F
K O M M A N D E R K - K E E N A N D T H E B I S Q U I K B O Y Z
Yes, that's right kiddies, it's time for the journies of that hero of
heroes, KOMMANDOR K-KEEN, and his two misguided partners, Wanderer Foo
and Prime Minister Bar!
<KOMMANDOR K-KEEN stands flexing with his companions by his side
looking proud to be near him.>
Together they travel across the cosmos and fight the dark forces of the
SPA, who want to put an end to warez, kodez, and all else that is
Tr00Ly K-EleeT in the universe!
<KOMMANDOR K-KEEN hands out the newest version of Photoshop to
orphans gathered around him and kisses a baby.>
See them battle the army of darkness from the NSA, armed only with a
copy of AOHell!
<KOMMANDER K-KEEN mailbombs thousands of federal agents and watches
them drop as his partners watch him admirably from behind.>
See them win a stakeout against the head of the FBI himself through
sheer k-rad natural ability!!!!
<KOMMANDOR K-KEEN stares at the FBI Director sternly in the eyes,
and the FBI director bursts into tears.>
Yes, life is a truly better place, all because we have KOMMANDOR K-KEEN
AND THE BISQUIK BOYZ fighting on our side!
<KOMMANDOR K-KEEN holds an American flag and stares off into space
as the national anthem plays.>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TONIGHT'S EPISODE: TROUBLE ON THE AOL FRONT
Scene: The KOMMANDOR K-KEEN patented warez HQ
Adventurer Foo: Wow, look at this catalog! There's a new version of Illustra-
tor just released today!
KOMMANDOR K-KEEN: Oh Really, my young friend? Well then, I suggest you use the
warez-mobile to sign on AOL and get it!
Prime Minister Bar: But isn't using an account made with a fake credit card in
order to steal software ILLEGAL?
KOMMANDOR K-KEEN: Of course not, Bar! They wouldn't do it if it weren't safe!
<Foo enters his password and attempts to sign on, but is unable to
for some mysterious reason.>
Adventurer Foo: I can't seem to sign on!
KOMMANDOR K-KEEN: Uh oh. Looks like Evil Overlord Case is up to his old tricks
again. I'll have to stop him.
Prime Minister Bar: What are you planning on doing???
KOMMANDOR K-KEEN: Don't worry! I have a few proggies up my sleeve!
<KOMMANDOR K-KEEN sits at the terminal and runs one of his more elite
hacker programs. Fourteen hours pass.>
KOMMANDOR K-KEEN: Ah hah! I've done it! I'm in!
Adventurer Foo: You're brilliant!
Prime Minister Bar: Now what?
KOMMANDOR K-KEEN: Now...it's time for revenge.
<Fade to black.>
SCENE: New Member Lounge 14
KOMMANDOR K-KEEN: I have arrived!
Gif Perv69: Who the Hell are you? Have any pictures of young children having
sex with goats?
KOMMANDOR K-KEEN: I am KOMMANDOR K-KEEN, and these are my partners, THE BISQUIK
BOYZ. Bar, send the man what he wants!
<Bar mails Gif Perv a collection of various child pornography.>
Gif Perv69: Wow! Thankx man!
Newbie9394: i amm new too inturrnett. how dew i hakk laike u?
Adventurer Foo: Why don't you post to alt.aol-sucks and ask them? I'm sure
they would be glad to help!
KOMMANDOR K-KEEN: That's exactly right, Foo! You're becoming more perceptive
every day! Don't forget to post it at least sixteen times
so that they'll be sure to see it!
Newbie9394: thannk yu. i goess of to yoosnet now
HAQAH666: Halt KOMMANDOR K-KEEN! Your copy of AOHell is nowhere near as eleet
as my new version of AOLSD 2001 version 6969 beta 3! I will crush
you!
KOMMANDOR K-KEEN: Step aside, citizen! Your puny proggie is nowhere as power-
ful as my inate k-hacker skills!
HAQAH666: Never! This is war, K-KEEN!
KOMMANDOR K-KEEN: Fine, if you insist. I only hope you survive to tell of this
foolish encounter.
<KOMMANDOR K-KEEN scrolls a picture of a middle finger.>
HAQAH666: Stop! Please! I give up! Please don't hurt me!
KOMMANDOR K-KEEN: You're forgiven, but next time remember not to let your
impetuousness get the better of you!
HAQAH666: Oh, I won't! Thank you, KOMMANDOR K-KEEN!
<Guide PIG joins the room.>
Guide PIG: What the FUCK is going on here? I heard there was a fucking distur-
bance and now I have to fucking deal with it! How dare you little
pukes cut into my free time?
<Foo and Bar begin to shiver in the presence of the guide.>
Newbie9394: iz not badd langaudge against amurica onlin term servicez?
Guide PIG: NO! SHUT THE FUCK UP!
<Guide PIG Terms Newbie9394.>
Will there be any OTHER stupid questions tonight?
KOMMANDOR K-KEEN: I have one for you, evil doer! Do you really think that you
can stop the warez empire when it is under the protection of
KOMMANDOR K-KEEN?
Guide PIG: You will die, KOMMANDOR!
KOMMANDOR K-KEEN: We shall see who comes out alive!
<KOMMANDOR K-KEEN executes an elite script just as Guide PIG presses
the term button for KOMMANDOR K-KEEN and his friends.>
Guide PIG: Argh!!!! Not an IM bomb!!! AAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!
<Guide PIG is knocked offline by its awesome power, when suddenly
KOMMANDOR K-KEEN finds himself offline, as well.>
SCENE: The HQ, moments later.
Adventurer Foo: Wow! That was amazing the way you handled that Guide!
Prime Minister Bar: But there are still many other guides!
KOMMANDOR K-KEEN: Don't worry, Bar! For someday we will face Evil Overlord
Case himself, and defeat all his cohorts! Because as long as
someone is unwilling to pay for the newest version of Duke
Nukem, Windows 95, or needs the newest kodez to unlock Paint
Shop Pro, WE WILL SURVIVE!
<Fades to black, and the credits roll.>
the end n stuph
::golf clap::
Copyright(C) 1996 KuNT InDuStRiEz, LiMiTeD
Message from fnord on ttyq09 at 12:09 ...
_ __/|
\'o.O' . o O ( THIRSTYCAT! )
=(___)=
U
EOF
@*$^!@)$&@_$^@_$^&@(^%T$(!#(%T@$(%#!(%$)(!#%#$!(%$)_#^%_)^$%(&#_*^&@()%$#&%@~*%%
In article <51n816$oh7@newsbf02.news.aol.com>, strider007@aol.com
(Strider007) wrote:
>
> All people intersted in joining a new forming Hacker Clan called the
> Artisians, please contact me at AOL under Strider007. I will review all
> applications sent to me and will select a maximum of fifty trial members.
> Benefits will follow as you join. This is for the Elite only.
HeY StRiDeR D00d,
The "Artisians"? Righteous, man. It's so Renaissance and yet, being
misspelled, it still says the 90's. I want in. I'm too busy hacking
to eat or sleep d00d, so you better know what you're getting into by
taking my bad ass on board. You want Elite, I'm Elite. Don't talk to
me about warez and fake accounts. I'm the man who put the Z in warez:
I superglued it to the end of the word. And look, I'm rolling in
passwords, I've got so many I'm logging on as twenty different people
simultaneously and filling entire chatrooms with a Greek Chorus of
like-minded rabid cynical hacker d00dism -- I'm so rad that I'm even
phishing my own screennames. These keyboards stacked up on my desk?
When I'm going on them, with the screens casting a bluish hue on my
Raybans, I look like Stevie Wonder -- verrrrrry superstitious. I've
got the number 2600 tattooed on my tongue. I blink in binary.
Rolexes from former East German Stasi agents band my forearms -- gifts
for teaching them how to use IRC, especially channel "Hackway to
Heaven," which I run. Who needs to write in 3l173 h4kk3r type?
That's lameass *old*. Me, I top off my prose with the ultimate in
cutting-edge hip: invisible control characters. Hacking is my life,
do you understand? I can't walk down the street without popping the
hoods of new cars and jimmying out the chips. I can't go into a room
and turn on a light switch without wanting to dismantle it and embed
infrared sensors behind the wall to detect and alert me to possible
sneaky encroachments by THE MAN. Hey: information wants to be free,
get off its back with your bullshit notions of copyright and
ownership, I mean that's so pre-Net, that's so Stone Age, it's like
the Beatles and Elvis and Ed Sullivan, man, ok? It's I Love Lucy.
It's F-Troop. Old. Over. Software belongs to nobody. It should be
allowed to run around wherever it wants like free-range chickens.
So I guess you see where I'm at, Strider. I could cut you some Elite,
I suppose. But if I join, just don't go draining all my Elite like
some bloodsucking vampire. D00d, I hate that. Don't piggyback on my
cool. Don't zeit on my geist. Get your own mojo. I mean, don't
expect me always to set you up on dates with supermodels. Ain't gonna
happen -- I'll be busy upping a 3,485-part binary to a satellite over
Zurich for re-transmission to anti-Ross Perot separatists. Or
liberating the recipe for the secret sauce in Big Macs. Or perhaps
mailbombing Heaven itself. I'm busy this week. And next week. And
don't always be bumming cigarettes from me, just because you want to
twirl them in your fingers like I do, causing them to ignite from
dizziness. You should quit, anyway.
Here is a list of my hacks, in order of complexity:
#1. Hacked past shrink-wrapping of Mary L-----, the most built girl
in my 8th grade class
#2. Hacked onto brick wall of my school with can of spray paint,
writing *Gary L---- Is A Shithead* after Mary's big brother held me up
by my collar and shook me, all the while insisting that his sister was
a "good girl"
#3. Hacked into TRS-80 using BASIC program that consisted of the
following ingenious code:
10 REM Just try and stop this one, you bald bozo
20 PRINT "MR. ALEXANDER'S CLASS SUCKS"
30 GO TO 20
#4. Hacked into NORAD mainframe, ordering ICBM assault on my high
school guidance counselor's house. This was a leap for me, but
puberty was over, and a decisive new direction was needed. (You've
probably never heard about this one -- that's because THE MAN doesn't
want you to know. But it's been recounted in TONS of underground
zines by people who just take like a whole refreshing new view of the
way things *really* are.)
#5. Hacked into AOL remote staffer Adam Bailey's account. Planted
special TSR app to flash subliminal message across his screen: "I am a
genius. Everything that I post to Usenet -- no matter how stupid --
is diabolically clever. And everyone wants to read it. I'll go post
something right now."
#6-23. These hacks have involved, variously, the Rosecrucians, the
Masons, the Branch Dividians, Amway, Toastmasters, and a nail-clipping
from the left middle finger of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard.
It's all far too Elite to go into any detail here. Not with THE MAN
listening.
#23 - ? Don't even ask. Don't ask. Don't. Ok: here's a clue. Win
95. And the director Preston Sturges's birthday. I wouldn't click on
the little smiley face that's going to appear in the upper right
corner of your screen -- not if I were you. Rent "Sullivan's Travels"
instead, and get a taste of truly elite comic filmmaking.
I think that proves my point, Strider. We aren't in the same league,
and you'll be taking orders from *me* from now on. My first order: I
want some coffee, black, with two lumps of sugar, trapezoidal
preferably. Hop to it.
Richard Cretan
@*$^!@)$&@_$^@_$^&@(^%T$(!#(%T@$(%#!(%$)(!#%#$!(%$)_#^%_)^$%(&#_*^&@()%$#&%@~*%%
Message from God on console at 12:02 ...
brweth mouth nose?
EOF
America Online President Dies in Apparent Suicide
(AP, August 15)America Online, Incorporated President, CEO, and Board of
Directors head Steve Case was found dead in his Vienna, Virginia office earlier
this morning. He was found amongst a circle of candles and what was later
analyzed and discovered to be goat's blood. A criminal investigation has been
initiated to see if the goat's blood belongs to any of the 40 goats, which were
found slaughtered by their owner, a neighbor of the huge America Online office
complex.
A suicide note was found on the scene along with the knife that Steve
apparently used to take his own life. While it is not publiclly available, the
Case family have released portions that speak of "moving on to warmer pastures"
and "finding more efficient ways to torment lusers."
While the Case family has been reluctant to discuss details of Steve's
death, many outside sources claim that they know of some things that very likely
led up to it. A person known only as "Jane" contacted us. Jane claims to be
an expert on matters of the occult. She also claims that Steve was heavily
involved with local and national Satanic organizations, and was even hailed by
some to be "the most evil man on Earth." The Case family refused to comment on
such allegations.
The Catholic Church, which has long publicly dissapproved of many of
America Online's billing practices, when showed evidence of a connection
between Case's suicide and Satanic cults, released a statement directly from the
Pope saying simply, "We told you so."
Wall Street, however, was more concerned over who was going to take the
reigns of the multinational corporation than the cause of Steve's death. AOL
respeonded quickly, by holding a meeting over a possible sale of the company, or
to elect a new head. Major bidders in the sale were Apple Computer, H&R Block,
and Microsoft. All, however, were surprised by the outcome of that meeting.
D1G1S4URUS H3X, alleged member of the anti-government militia terrorist group
"KuNT," announced that he would be taking over all executive positions that
Steve had formally held. America Online PR director Pam McGraph, commented only
that "he was much better in bed than Steve ever was." D1G1S4UR was unavailable
for comment.
Message from Satan on ttyp1 at 12:06 ...
> N0 DID IM BASSIST
EOF
@*$^!@)$&@_$^@_$^&@(^%T$(!#(%T@$(%#!(%$)(!#%#$!(%$)_#^%_)^$%(&#_*^&@()%$#&%@~*%%
Dear ladies and gentlemen of the press,
"You want a piece of me, fat boy? I'll spork your ass!"
That's it.
@*$^!@)$&@_$^@_$^&@(^%T$(!#(%T@$(%#!(%$)(!#%#$!(%$)_#^%_)^$%(&#_*^&@()%$#&%@~*%%
YOU WERE HAPPY. YOU WERE CALM. ONLY MINOR DIFFICULTIES LAY BETWEEN YOU AND
EXECUTING YOUR PLANS NEAR FLAWLESSLY.
YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE SAFE.
THEN I CAME.
I AM THE ONLY LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS WHICH YOU TRY TO CLOUD THE WORLD WITH. YOU
SPREAD YOUR MISTRUTHS AND DONT THINK ANYBODY WILL NOTICE SINCE THEY'VE BEEN
CONCEALED IN YOUR DARKNESS FOR SO LONG. YOU THINK SOMEONE WHO HAS NEVER SEEN
LIGHT WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO ESCAPE THE DARKNESS. BUT I AM THE LIGHT. YOU
PRETEND TO IGNORE ME. YOU DENY MY EXISTANCE. BUT SECRETLY YOU FEAR ME. YOU
KNOW THAT I WILL DESTROY YOU JUST AS I DESTROYED EVERYONE ELSE WHO STOPPED ME
FROM SPREADING MY BRIGHTNESS.
YOU WERE RIGHT TO FEAR ME.
AND NOW I'M HERE, AND YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. YOUR ESTABLISHMENT WILL
CRUMBLE UNDER MY PIERCING RAYS. I LURK THROUGH YOUR HALLWAYS, AND EVEN THOUGH
YOU REFUSE TO SEE ME, YOU KNOW THAT I'M HERE. AND EVEN THOUGH YOU REFUSE TO
ACKNOWLEDGE THE DANGER, YOU KNOW THAT I WILL EAT YOUR SOULS. AND THERE WILL BE
NO MERCY. JUST AS I UNLEASHED MY FULL POWER ON ATLANTA AND THE EVIL SINNERS OF
FLIGHT 800, YOU WILL FEEL THE EXPLOSIVE POWER OF MY WRATH. YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU
CAN'T HIDE, AND YOU KNOW YOU CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT YOUR DARKNESS...YOU WILL NEVER
BE FREE OF THAT WHICH DAMNS YOU...AND THAT'S WHY YOU MUST BE DESTROYED.
I AM THE CLEANSER. I AM THE PURITY. I AM THE POWER. I AM THE FLASH FIRE THAT
BURNS THROUGH YOUR INSTITUTIONS AND YOUR CORRUPTNESS AND LEAVE NOTHING BUT PURE
FLAMES BEHIND. I AM THE EATER OF SOULS, DESTROYING YOUR DARKNESS ONCE AND FOR
ALL...AND I'M NEVER FULL UNTIL EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU IS WIPED OFF THE FACE OF
PLANET. I KNOW YOUR FEARS. I KNOW YOUR WEAKNESSES. I KNOW YOUR SECRETS. I
KNOW HOW TO EXPLOIT THEM.
I CAN FUCKING SMELL YOUR DREAMS.
FEEL THE FEAR CREEPING THROUGH THE DARKEST REACHES OF YOUR SOUL. YOU KNOW IN
YOUR STONE COLD HEART THAT EVERYTHING I SAY IS TRUE. AND I APPROACH SOON. VERY
SOON. AND WHEN I FINISH, THERE WILL BE NOTHING LEFT BUT THE SMOLDERING ASHES
OF YOUR WORTHLESS EXISTANCE AND THE RUBBLE OF YOUR TORN DOWN INSTITUTIONS,
ACTING AS MONUMENTS OF THE GLUTTONY AND IMPURITY OF YOUR FORMER SYSTEM WHICH YOU
TREASURED SO MUCH BEFORE.
SO IT IS WRITTEN AND SO IT SHALL BE.
@*$^!@)$&@_$^@_$^&@(^%T$(!#(%T@$(%#!(%$)(!#%#$!(%$)_#^%_)^$%(&#_*^&@()%$#&%@~*%%
13 Fun Things To Do With The Flesh Eating Virus
1. Put them in a tuna sandwich and give it to guys named Earl.
2. Take a jar of the virus and deposit them in your local water repository.
3. Throw little Jimmy down a well...then drop large quantities of the virus
on Jimmy.
4. Move to the state of Wyoming, sell goats under the assumed name Buck
Johnson.
5. Put them in a glad-lock zipper bag(TM) and ask a guy on the street whether
he would choose a glad lock bag back with the yellow and blue make green
seal, or his bag.
6. Take a can of worms, need i say more?
7. When you are at the dinner table, take out the virus and put it on the
chicken, then start yelping, "The chicken has the deadly flesh-eating
virus!"
8. Take a Scooby Doo toy from Burger King, and put a extra special surprise
in it.
9. 24 hour home loans.
10. Become a disgruntled postal worker, and use the viruses for "special
purposes."
11. Become a very important Stock Broker, once you get very big, release
it all over Wall Street and say bye bye to the economy.
12. 2 words: Biology Class.
13. Claim you have discovered life on Mars and show the press and other such
people your virus claiming its still alive from the asteroid from Mars.
@*$^!@)$&@_$^@_$^&@(^%T$(!#(%T@$(%#!(%$)(!#%#$!(%$)_#^%_)^$%(&#_*^&@()%$#&%@~*%%
How To Take Over The World In 10 Easy Steps
1. You have to be a member of KuNT or have a name such as Earl.
2. You must own 1 nose hair trimmer.
3. On the fourth of July, dress up in a giraffe suit and make monkies
eat sand. (Monkies do eat sand if you make them.)
4. Contrary to popular belief, he did inhale.
5. While playing the acordian, juggle large objects such as a car or two.
6. When you see a time warp, throw stones in a pool.
7. Get a permit for building a doghouse, but ...DONT DO IT!
8. If someone eats your ranch party dip ....Just Say No.
9. You must be able to speak clearly while eating a mouth-full of gummi
bears.
10. When its that time of the year for you to sell girl-scout cookies,
be a rebel and sell girl-scout doughnuts.
@*$^!@)$&@_$^@_$^&@(^%T$(!#(%T@$(%#!(%$)(!#%#$!(%$)_#^%_)^$%(&#_*^&@()%$#&%@~*%%
LET'S MAKE LSD!
Materials required:
Baking soda (Arm & Hammer works well), 15g
Apple Cider Vinegar (Heinz makes this), 25mL
Liquid Ammonia (used for cleaning), 100mL
Liquid Bleach (also used for cleaning), 250mL
A moldy piece of bread (prepare in advance)
One large mixing bowl (Tupperware works)
Procedure:
(WARNING, THIS CAN BE DANGEROUS IF YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING. WE
SUGGEST THAT YOU READ THIS FILE ALL THE WAY THROUGH AT LEAST ONCE BEFORE
YOU ATTEMPT TO MAKE LSD. ALL STEPS MUST BE FOLLOWED EXACTLY AS EXPLAINED
IN THIS FILE.)
1. Pour the Baking Soda into the mixing bowl.
2. Pour the Ammonia into the mixing bowl.
3. Scrape the mold off of the bread, and deposit a pinch (about 1g) into
the mixing bowl.
4. Pour the vinegar into the bowl -- THIS WILL CAUSE BUBBLING AS THE
TRIGLYCERIDES BEGIN TO REACT WITH THE LYSERGICA IN THE MOLD. DO NOT
BE ALARMED. (Although we suggest that you don't let it bubble over
and get on your carpet.)
5. Once the solution has stopped bubbling, this is where the important
part comes in. You will be making gaseous LSD, and it is very important
that you do not waste any, as LSD made using this process is nowhere
near as powerful as that you can buy on the street, so more is required
for a good buzz. Now, move the bowl into a room like your bathroom, and
close the door, and also the window. Here you will be adding the bleach,
which will begin the final reaction.
6. Pour the bleach into the solution. You will immediately see a gaseous
vapor rising from the bowl. THIS IS YOUR LSD! :-) Lean your head over
the bowl, and begin inhaling deeply. Be sure to hold the vapor in, so
that it has time to interact with the atria in your lungs. Continue
inhaling until it kicks in, which should hopefully be within ten minutes.
(Warning: You may feel a little light-headed during this. This may be
disconcerting if you have never done LSD before, but it indicates that
you did the process right and it is starting to kick in.)
7. Enjoy! We suggest you have some toys around that are bright and shiny;
a well-oiled, well-polished pistol makes an excellent toy, as you can
look down the barrel and imagine yourself falling through space, only
a millimeter wide.
THIS FILE IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY YOUR FRIENDS AT KuNT, AND WE REQUEST THAT YOU
DISSEMINATE THIS INFORMATION AS WIDELY AS POSSIBLE. PRINT IT OUT AND PASS IT
AROUND TO YOUR FRIENDS IN HIGH SCHOOL, AND POST IT ON AS MANY BULLETIN BOARDS
AS YOU CAN. SPREAD THE JOY OF LYSERGIC ACID DIETHYLMIDE 25! WE MISS YOU, TIM
LEARY, WE LOVE YOU, ABBIE HOFFMAN! FUCK THE SYSTEM!
@*$^!@)$&@_$^@_$^&@(^%T$(!#(%T@$(%#!(%$)(!#%#$!(%$)_#^%_)^$%(&#_*^&@()%$#&%@~*%%
You suck.
Not because of any particular reason, but you suck. (Not meaning to imply that
there is not a particular reason that you suck (Not meaning to imply that there
isn't a particular reason that you suck.).) We just felt like telling you that
you do, indeed, suck. (As opposed to being acceptable by us (Or being
acceptable by any member of our society (Or being acceptable by members of
another society besides our own (Or being acceptable to yourself (All of which
are highly improbable, as we have incontrovertible evidence that points to the
fact that you do actually suck.).).).).)
So what does "suck" mean, anyhow? Without going into a little mini-rant about
how you can discover the meaning of 'suck' by looking at the world around you,
at your friends, or even at yourself (Although we don't want to instill false
thoughts that there is a world around you (Although we don't want to instill
false thoughts that you do have friends (Although we don't want to instill
false thoughts that you even exist.).).), and saying to yourself (which would
be just a teensy bit hard if you didn't exist), "Just what's wrong with this
picture?!" (Which would be just a teensy bit hard if there wasn't a world
existing around you.) As it would take a couple dozen lifetimes, we suppose,
to describe every possible picture in the world and why it sucks (i.e. why
something is wrong with it (acting on the assumption that everything is
flawed)), that action is pretty damn futile, because after a while you would
realize that the only really sucky thing that is going on is you looking for
things that suck, when you could just be satisfied with the fact that
everything sucks and that there is no escape from it all.
Anyway, on to the etymology of 'suck'. The verb 'suck' means to, well, suck.
However, in a more colloquial usage, 'suck' is used to indicate a sense of
dislike, discontent, or lossage. (So we can apply that to our current topic,
which is why you suck, in the following ways; that we dislike you, we do not
like the way that you turned out when you finally crawled your sorry butt
out of your mother's womb, and we think that you are a loser (A rather big
loser, at that (Please don't get any false thoughts about how maybe you're a
small loser, or that you have a chance at not being a loser, because you
don't (Well, if you send $100,000 in small, unmarked bills to a really cool
non-sucky place, whose address we will specify later, where we will arrive
and pick up your little gift, you have a slight chance of being tolerated
(Actually, you'll still be a loser, but a poor one, and we'll be these rich
cool guys (And we'll also think that you are extremely stupid for sending me
that money when it could have went towards enhancing your self image, so we
would think less of you, which was the opposite desired effect of your
actions (So don't send us any money if you don't want us to like you, and
send us money if you don't want us to like you (See? You lose anyway you
play the game, which is all the more evidence that you are indeed a loser,
and that you do, in fact, suck.).).).).).).).)
Well, with all this new knowledge about how you suck, what suck means, and how
you are a loser, can we apply that to other people and circumstances? We could,
because we don't want anyone to think that we am playing favorites by choosing
only you as the 'target loser' for this rant, but then again we don't want
anyone to think that we am not playing favorites. We could just stop everything
right here, but then we wouldn't get out my opinions on why you, as well as
every other animate or inanimate object in the world, suck. (And we wouldn't
want that, because we'd be on the same level as you are; which is that of a
sucky loser.) So we will do something rather improbable... well, improbable as
opposed to the probability that at least 10% of the people living in the world
today have taken at least one breath in the time it has taken you to read this
sentence.
So, anyhow, it's time for that improbable thingy we alluded to in an earlier
paragraph. The improbable thing is:
During the time it takes you to read this sentence, you won't suck.
Hey, guess what? That sentence is over. You suck once more. Wasn't that
amazing? We thought it was absolutely pointless, because you suck again. If
you weren't going to suck again, it would've been great. We were looking
forward to you not sucking, but as with a bunch of other events, all good
things must come to an end. Well, you suck again; that's too bad, isn't it?
Maybe for a birthday present you can not suck again for a minute or so. (We
don't want to imply that we were hurting your feelings; however we don't
want to imply that I wasn't hurting your feelings. We were aiming for a
50%/50% hurting feelings/not hurting feelings ratio as our target.) We hope
that we didn't hurt your feelings too badly. We also hope that I didn't
make you feel too good about it, either.
Our point is that whatever you do, you will suck at it, because we have
successfully defined you as a loser, a sucker, a person who sucks, a sucky
loser, and any other one of the myriad combinations of those terms. Let us
explore this hypothesis, which should be easily proven true.
You suck because you have been proven to be a 'sucky loser', illustrated
above.
You suck because you are reading this rant, instead of writing one yourself.
The evidence pointing to this is the fact that you are reading this sentence.
You would not know our opinions on why you suck if you have not read this
paragraph. Furthermore, it is a paradox to assume that you know our standings
on the issue of you sucking, when you have not read this rant, especially
because we refuse to voice these opinions through any mode of direct
communication other than this rant. When did you decide that you would
spontaneously decide that we thought that you sucked? That is highly
improbable, as we probably didn't think that you sucked before we wrote this.
(Although we don't wish to imply that we didn't think that you sucked
before we wrote this, nor do I wish to imply that we thought that you sucked
before we wrote this. We leave major assumptions like this up to you (Although
you suck so much that you probably do not possess the mental capacity to
assume anything.).) Anyway, if you didn't suck, you would be out writing your
own rant, possibly about why cross-dressing polar bears are a menace to
society (Not that we wish to imply that cross-dressing polar bears are a
menace to society (Not that we wish to imply that cross-dressing bears aren't
a menace to society.).), instead of sitting here on your sorry ass reading
this one.
Lastly, you suck simply because we say you do, and that single argument alone
outweighs any piece of bullshit you can pick out of your ass... I mean brain...
no, I mean ass... to throw at us in a counter-argument, possibly entitled
"Why I Don't Actually Suck". (Though we don't question the highly probable
possibility that you don't possess the knowledge on writing a proper rant (So
there is a very high probability that your rant will suck, leading us to write
something to the effect of Why You Suck, Part II (And it is even likelier that
you will write a mediocre reply, and so this never-ending hole of ranting will
grow bigger and deeper until it encompasses everything, and the whole universe
will be one big hole, and it will be all your fault because you wouldn't shut
the fuck up (Which would lead many sentient beings throughout this universe
(and, quite possibly, other universes) to come to the conclusion that you suck
quite badly (Leading to the ultimate outcome of you losing again.).).).).)
Let us venture off for a second, and discuss these 'other universes'. Do they
actually exist? Do they suck? Are they acceptable by the non-sucky beings in
existence (which you are not a member of, if you haven't noticed)? Well, first
of all, what evidence do we have that they don't suck? Secondly, what evidence
do we have that they suck? The answer to both of those questions is of course
'none', so therefore we cannot make an assumption as to whether or not they
suck or don't suck. Furthermore, the entire act of writing about these other
universes is inconceivable, because we have no evidence to base the existence
of these other universes at all! So these other universes do not exist
(according to our current evidence), and so we would have nothing to write
about. Therefore, this paragraph, in actuality, should not exist, and therefore
does not exist, by the rule that anything that should not exist does not exist!
It must be great to be a loser living a paradox, because this very paragraph
that you are currently reading does not exist!!! The rule that anything that
should not exist does not exist also does not exist because it was first
conceived in this paragraph, and therefore is a paradox and does not exist
because of the fact that this paragraph itself is a paradox. (Whoah, a double
paradox! They don't suck, by the way.)
This paradox we have illustrated above is slightly akin to a few well known
paradoxes, such as the one about the chicken and the egg, or this famous
paradox;
The following sentence is false.
The preceding sentence is true.
(We shall leave you to figure the paradoxic complications of this problem by
yourself, when you are by yourself, alone, while all the non-sucky people are
out, together, doing non-sucky things and activities, together.)
At this time, we would like to provide you with the address we
alluded to earlier in this rant. That address is:
KuNT Industries, Limited
1874 KuNT Drive
Podunk, WI 84756
Please address all letters, hate mail, letterbombs, and parcels full of
anything from money to cashable checks to dog shit to unidentified amputated
male body parts to unidentified decomposing amputated body parts of human
beings to carded computer hardware to pirated computer software to stolen CDs
to stolen cassettes to stolen various forms of interactive/non-interactive
media (no disco, please) to stolen video games and/or video game systems to
legal documents (please provide a lawyer in a separate parcel, so that I can
have him/her/it peruse the aforementioned legal documents) to magazines to
books to clothes to dirty clothes to condoms to used condoms to pens, pencils
and other writing utensils to KuNT. (Please address any other parcels of
any content not included in the above list to 'Return to Sender'. Please
substitute a blank space for the address of the house, make the name of the
addressee (i.e. 'Return to Sender') quite large, and remember to put your
current name and address in the upper left hand corner of the parcel.)
Now, we bet your sucky little brain is doing somersaults about why we would
provide our address to you. We provide our address here so in the extremely
probable scenario of you waking up and smelling the sucky coffee (you aren't
important enough to warrant non-sucky coffee) and realizing that we am the
supreme, non-sucky masters of everything, and that you will wish to pay homage
to us and donate large portions of material and non-material wealth to us, so
that we can use it to further the cause of non-sucky people (us, for instance).
However we don't mean to imply that you possess large portions of material or
non-material wealth, because we're acting on the highly probable assumption
that you will have already spent it on other extremely sucky things and
possessions.
ATTENTION: If you have been previously identified as non-sucky, you may
disregard that last paragraph as an attempt to scare any sucky beings reading
this into submission where they can serve the non-sucky beings of existence as
(extremely) cheap and (extremely) sucky slave labor.
So, we think that a rant of this length should be enough to satisfy any
curiousities you may have that delve into the many reasons of why you suck. If
more clarity is needed in this matter, please feel free to ask anyone around
you that is non-sucky for further revelations and/or clarification.
Coming Soon:
The Many Uses of Kiwi Fruit
How to Write a Good Rant
How to Write an Awesome Rant
How to Write
Why Barney the Dinosaur Sucks
Big Bird is Mentally Disturbed
The Connection Between Used Condoms and the Cream in Twinkies
Why Nazis Suck
Why Hitler Sucked
Why We Suck
@*$^!@)$&@_$^@_$^&@(^%T$(!#(%T@$(%#!(%$)(!#%#$!(%$)_#^%_)^$%(&#_*^&@()%$#&%@~*%%
KuNT Infiltrates Everything
Well, since the first issue of KuNT came out, the entire world has been
abuzz. People are copying us left and right. Much to our surprise, one
of our BIGGEST imitators has been the mainstream media!
What, you cry? Nonsense, you scoff? Ha, unbeliever, I have PROOF.
1. Look at radio and TV stations. Notice how many of them start with K,
followed by three other letters? KOMA, KQKQ, KROQ, etc.! Hmmmm...
2. As we here at KuNT are both feared and worshipped, so too has the
bastardized word "cunt" found its way into the English language, indicating
ANOTHER thing that is both feared and worshipped. Hmmmm...
3. [Removed, Ed., -><- FNORD]
Now you see the TRUTH, that we at KuNT are omnipresent and that there is NO
ESCAPE from our grasp!
The best you can hope for now is a quick death.
@*$^!@)$&@_$^@_$^&@(^%T$(!#(%T@$(%#!(%$)(!#%#$!(%$)_#^%_)^$%(&#_*^&@()%$#&%@~*%%
Social Engineering for Fun and Profit
Okay, so ya want th' newest, latest, most bad-ass machine to do your LEET
H4X0R1NG on, right? Sure, we all do! Strapped for cash, cause you spent
it all on herbal E and Robitussin? Yup, testify, my brother! Well have no
fear, because we here at KuNT have come up with a FOOLPROOF scheme to raise
money! Yes, that's right, FOOLPROOF! It's guaranteed to work! Here's how
it works.
You use the art of Social Engineering. That means that through cleverly
choosing your words and attitude, you can make people believe that you are
someone you're not, you can make them give you things, you can make them do
things they wouldn't do otherwise, etc. In this primer, we'll show you
how. Now, I know, you've all read social engineering files before, or
already know how to do it, but just wait. This is a NEW kind of Social
Engineering. Social Engineering at its FINEST. It's fast, it's direct,
it's to the point, but it still has all the flair and effectiveness of
previous approaches to the time-honored tradition. KuNT-Style Social
Engineering!
Let's say you have $2 to your name. A pittance, considering that soon
you'll have enough to afford the Pentium MegaWhompus 9000, with all the
peripherals you'll ever need.
Take the $2 to the nearest Coke machine. Make change. Now, if you're
TRULY 'leet, you'll get a coke and change and your dollar back, but that's
another story.
Now take this change and go down to the bus stop. Since you got the
change, you're ready for whatever the fare happens to be. Take the bus to
the shitty part of town. Now, what you want to do is find a park. If
there's not a park, find the place where all the lonely old people hang
out. Sit there for a while, until you see some old-ass man or woman
walking their dog or feeding the pigeons or something.
Strike up a conversation. Ask them about their grandchildren. Talk about
the war. Anything. Just don't tell them your real name. And you gotta
act INTERESTED, too. Can't just sit there and go "Mmmm, mm-hm. Yeah." and
yawn all the time. Remember, the key is to make them TRUST you. When they
start to leave, the fun begins.
Ask them if, since you're so far from home, you can use their phone to call
your parents for a ride. If you've done a REALLY good job with your social
engineering, they'll let you.
When you go into their apartment, don't look around. That'll just scare
them. Politely ask where the phone is, and use it. Try not to leave
fingerprints. Call time and temperature, or dial-a-joke, or some local
recording of something. Anything. Chances are that they'll stand there
and watch you. If they do, make it a long call. Remember to act like
you're talking to your parents. Ask the old bastard his address, or if
there's a Stop-N-Rob on the corner, ask him what corner it is. Make it
seem realistic.
After you hang up the phone is where the social engineering REALLY comes
into play. As soon as their back is turned, punch them as hard as you can,
right in the neck. Now, loot their apartment. Dump everything out, but DO
NOT take things. Just cash. When you are done, to make the scam that much
sweeter, wake them up by throwing water on them or something, and thank
them for a lovely time.
Repeat this a few times a day for a week, and you'll be rolling in new
equipment!
See how that works? By being NICE to them, you make them trust you, and
give you their money, something they would NEVER do without outside (i.e.
YOUR) influence! By applying these principles, you can, with a little
practice, get nearly ANYTHING from ANYBODY!
And remember to say "THANX, KuNT!"
@*$^!@)$&@_$^@_$^&@(^%T$(!#(%T@$(%#!(%$)(!#%#$!(%$)_#^%_)^$%(&#_*^&@()%$#&%@~*%%
KuNT...optimized for your mother's DICK!
